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About this blog

Thoughts and feelings as I settle into my life as a Bandee!

Entries in this blog

 

The fattest I ever was.

Oh God! I have just found a photo of me when we went to Florida two years ago! I can't believe how large I was, it's disgraceful! At least I now have a photo that shows how much I have really changed
libertysuzanne

libertysuzanne

1
 

Pictures of progress

This is after 1 week of Personal Trainer punishment/pleasure I have another 2 months nad 3 weeks to go. It will be interesting to see waht changes happen. I wish I had been brave enough to take a pic of me just before the lapband. I do have a group pic, maybe if I put them all on here, it will give me a better eye of how things are changing!   It is time to stop being a coward.   January 2007 Oct 2006   I'm the one on the left, I've just started to realise how I used to try and dress to hide. It is amazing how a scarf can hide a multitude of sins! I should never delete these pictures, they will always be a good reminder and a positive image of how I am helping myself change. Even with the band there are days when I feel like I am sabotaging myself. I have to learn not to beat myself up, it is detrimental!   I am still learning and hope to keep learning all day!
libertysuzanne

libertysuzanne

1
 

OH MY GOD!!

I know it has been ages since i have written here but I do try to keep in touch int he forums. I felt that this was better done in my journal than on the boards.   I'm excited but it doesn't mean everyone wants to hear about it!   Today I put on a pair of size 18 hipster jeans and they fitted wihtout me having a raging battle with the zip! That is truly a miracle, my hips have always been my bugbear. These sorts of jeans have never been possible for me. So I guess I am losing weight in all the right places for a change.   Admittedly my jelly belly is hanging over the top but not in such a state that it would be humiliating going out in the jeans.   I am just so chuffed, it's insane. I haven't been a saint with my lapband but I wonder if I should experiment with being saintly and see what happens! Mind you, that can also lead to disappointment so best to just focus on everyday as it comes.   The downside I have to buy smaller panties! I don't quite understand why but I have to have size 16, the 18's are sliding off good job I don't wear skirts much or one day it could have been very embarassing he he.
libertysuzanne

libertysuzanne

1
 

A silly emotional day

Feeling miserable today! Don't know why, maybe the reality has finally sunk in that I am losing weight. Yes, I know it should be a cause for joy and happiness. It eventually will be, but I am having to face an issue that has always plagues me when I have tried to lose weight in the past.   Everytime someone noticed I had lost weight, I sabotaged my good fortune. It was like I was scared to be noticed. Whichis down right silly and I can't really explain it. I know I have to deal with this issue or I will be doing myself no good at all.   I was fine, happy even. Everyone was commenting on how good I was looking and all I felt was intense pride. Deirdre called me yesterday, she was our liasion person in the Chimay hospital. She was so nice and so pleased that I was doing so well. Maybe I don't want to let her and the surgeons down, I'm putting myself under imaginary pressure. Maybe that is what I have always done. Doomed to failure mentality. Comments mean expectation, expectations mean disappointment.   I am not going to fail this time, I can't for the good of my mental and physical health I have to get out of this circle of destruction. As they say in counselling 'recognising the problem is the first step'.   Now all I have to do is discover all the other steps, but one day at time. if I can get through this day then I am sure it will all settle. In fact IT IS GOING TO GET BETTER!   I am forgetting my Positive Mental Attitue!   My goal is to lose 9lbs by 24th December. That, even on an ordinary diet is possible so I have no reason to cock it up!!!!!
libertysuzanne

libertysuzanne

2
 

Oh Happy Day! 2

I achieved another NSV (No Scale Victory) today. I put on a pair of trousers, that when first bought were uncomfortably tight and ended up in the wardrobe after only one outting. Now they are comfortable, well more than comfortable, loose! Not loose enough for me to dare to go down to the next size, but what a wonderful way to start the day!     Everyday, even with the occasional hiccup, has been a reminder that I made the right decison. I have finally invested in myself. Still feel it was a bit of a selfish action but I know both CM and I will benefit in the long run!     I know there are going to be some aspects of my health that won't be resolved by my weight loss, but I look forward to the day when I can walk much longer distances without keeling over in pain. I truly do hope that with my combination of weightloss and gentle exercise, I may firm up my joints enough to prevent me causing any further damage.     Not sure what I am going to do today, I know I have food shopping to do. That is also a major benefit my shopping bill - when I shop for household food and animal food - has dramatically decreased! I eat less than CM!!!! Lord help me when my size justifies clothes shopping lol. It's a good job I am not keen on Sinsburys TU! They tend to be at least one size smaller than the lable says. Why is it, that two articles of clothing from different stores can be so dramatically different?     I have asked for clothes vouchers from MOnsoon and next for xmas presents. I won't spend them immediately, I may hold onto them until I get to a size 16 or maybe even 14! 16 is my initial goal and 14 my final goal. I have never been smaller than 14 and doubt I would look that good so skinny. I'd laugh if I managed to get into 12's and then probably panic!     You know it's funny, a part of me is terrified about losing weight! Not sure why that should be. I should see it as a positive. Maybe that is the problem. Being fat (I still hate that word) protected me, I stopped thinking about being attractive, which meant I gave up on contemplating dating, safe in the knowledge that I would never be wanted. Maybe it will still be the case when I get down to my ideal size? It's silly though isn't it, I guess my blubber was keeping me safe from being hurt. I am going to have to work on my self-esteeem!
libertysuzanne

libertysuzanne

2
 

Funny NSVs!

I had a wonderful day of NSV's last night.   With my hypermobility, I had really come to dread having a bath. Not only was the extra weight putting more pressure on my joints, but the bath was getting rather snug! Which made it more difficult for me to get out of!   Well, last night I set myself in my bath and discovered I know longer had to squeeze into it, infact I could gently sway, there was a space either side of me! Also, the chore that was shaving legs, suddenly was easier! My legs weren't being kept away from me by my tummy! There was no awkward spots being missed. (this is one bit my hypermobility is good for.)I was able to stretch my leg to the point where it oculd touch my shoulder, extreme I know but I can't remember I was last able to do tha!   I know that these are small NSVs, but it is a great heart warmer for me. I do look at myself nearly every day, wishing to see drastic changes nad being disappointed. Which I know is silly. The last remenants of my hope that I would lose all the weight with a snap of my fingers, is dwindling day by day and the reality is settling in comfortably!   Just as it takes 4/6 weeks for the healing to complete, it is also a healing process of the mental kind. I am regaining control of my eating and my life. It is a day by day process but is still the best thing, apart from haivng my son!   I'm even contemplating the possibility of dating! Now note, this is just contemplation, it's not just the weight that is holding me back from a realtionship but is most definitey a factor. Being single does have some fantastic advantages lol!
libertysuzanne

libertysuzanne

3
 

Feeling sad today!

I am in a silly mood today. I have been contemplating the changes that I can already see in my body. The truth is it scares me! I had got so used to despising my body, that I never saw the positives.   Mind you the only positive was that my breasts were slightly more plump! I have dropped down from a 42 to a 38. I can still see the roll of flesh on the sides of my breasts, but it definitely isn't as big as it was. But my cup size B is also reducing in size!!! I hope I don't lose all of my chest, now that really would be distressing. I have never been huge but what I did have I cherished! Mind you maybe when those little rolls of flesh also disappear it will balance out. I shall just have to keep my fingers crossed. I must look at the positive, at least I won't have what feels like 4 breasts!   Then there is my hips, my stomach is reducing! It's now more of a large pot belly instead of an huge balloon! I know it won't be to long until I will be able to feel my hip bones underneath the flesh! I think this is more a case of being scared of achieving what I really want to be.   I shouldn't be such a wuss!   It's alright to have off days, it's just not very pleasent!
libertysuzanne

libertysuzanne

1
 

Consuming Liquid

I am finding it quite hard dealing with waiting an hour for liquid after my meal.   I had found a way of dealing with it, chewing gum seemed to sait the thirst for the our, but I've run out of them and I am feeling quite desperate. I am so used to drinking straight after a meal. Still I will get used to it eventually or never run out of gum!!!   Wonder if anyone else feels this thristy after a meal?   Dad has bought me some liquid Aloe Vera, bless him. I mix it with fruit juice, no sugar added etc etc. It will be interesting to see if it makes any difference. I am doign as the instructions tell me, so fingers crossed it will help my stomach heal nice and quickly, so I can avoid tearing anymore stitches because that would be very bad. I know I have been a lot more cautious since the pain and it hasn't returned since. I get an occasional niggle around a scar but, I know it does take me a long time for scars to heal completely, lets hope the AV does up the anti! It is supposed to be full of good and wholesome vitamins. A real wonder plant!
libertysuzanne

libertysuzanne

1
 

Tomato Corned Beef Mush...

I have made a yummy dish in a matter of minutes:   1 tin of Cream of Tomato Soup 1 can of corned Beef A generous Dash of wheat Free Beef Boullion   Swede and Carrot Mash   A nice simple and quick dish to do. My son loved it and to give it a nice kick you can sprinkle some mature cheddar on top as well.   I have found that if I eat with a tea spoon, I feel a lot fuller than if I ate with a big spoon, which tends to allow me to have big mouthfuls of food, which isn't good. So shall eat with a teaspoon until confident I have proper portion control going on!   I was going to type something else, but can't remember what now lol doh!
libertysuzanne

libertysuzanne

1
 

Dad has noticed a difference!

Woo hoo, popped into see dad and he has finally noticed a change! :clap2:   That really cheered me up. Small things eh? *he he*   The pain has gone now, thankfully! Was a wee bit worrying yesterday, but it has ensured I'm being extremely careful now. As H said 'I have to follow the Bandster rules!' I promise to be a good girl from now on!   Contemplating what breakfast to have, slimfast or yoghurt. Really fancy porridge but don't have any of that at home. Only the ready Brek that CM eats and that isn't wheat free. Still I could heat up the slimfast!
libertysuzanne

libertysuzanne

1
 

Over eager with reduction

I think I have been a little to premature in reducing my pain killers. I spent virtually most of today sleeping! The last time I did that we discovered that I wasn't gewt proper sleep because of the pain, hence why I am on so many pain killers. I suspect that because have cut down my daily pills the nighttimes one haven't been working as effectively.   I relied to much on the psychological impact of doing such a positive thing, rushing into silly behaviour! Time to re-introduce my day time pain killers, even though in theory the pain is bareable, my body and brain don't think it is (my feet and knees always seem to be in pain anyway it is ease to use mind over matter!). Had wondered why my bed looked as if I had danced a tango over it each night lol.   I had a most horrible pain th is morning, I thought the band could have slipped, but after going back to bed, the pain eased off and it hasn't returned. A lady did tell me what it felt like if you had a slippage, something like chest pains, this wasn't the case with me, it was lower down, I guess more orund the bowel area, maybe the fod I ate had finally decided to disagre with me. I don't want to lose control like I did that day, eaing small amounts but very frequently which is very bad! So the pain was really just punishment.   Still after all that I still love the fact, that the inches are slowly creeping off my frame, I put on a black dress that I hadn;t worn for over 4 years because it had made me look like a michellin man! It's still not as loose as it was when I first wore it, years ago; but, it really doesn;t cling and show off all te bumps like it had done! So that was a very poisitive NSV! I have a fake fur jacket which is also somethign that I can;t wait to wear again! I think a lot of my NSV's are based on clothes!   Protein Powder now this one confuses me slightly. Do we have to have protein powder for the rest of our lives?? Think I need to search through the forum see what answers I can come up with!
libertysuzanne

libertysuzanne

1
 

A need to vent my guilt!

I have had the band for all of eight days now! I am eating mushies, never have I had such pleasure from mashed potato!   This cold is driving me gaga and I did a horribly bad thing, I ate another milky way! I have to get these milky bars out of my house. I think I shall hand them out to the kids tomorrow morning. It would be fine if it was summer, I can deal with being warm, but this winter front and food that doesn't really give me any heating is hard work. I wish I could just curl up in bed for a few days.   Ah the stuff dreams are made of, if I could I would go and exercise, not allowed for another 3 weeks. Can you believe it!?! I actually want to exercise, infact I am itching to do it....or is that my wounds healing?   This initial weight loss has been a blessing to my poor old joints, 16lbs gone and I have to be honest I have cut down my pain killers. I wonder if once I lose all my weight I want to, will I stop taking pain killers altogether??   I have to gather myself, recall my will power and kick it into gear. I hate being so weak, it doesn't matter that they are just fun size, if I want a snack I should eat something helathy mush or liquid. I shall not forget to drink water to prevent temptation!
libertysuzanne

libertysuzanne

1
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