I've struggled with my weight, food addiction and a binge eating disorder all my life. I have always "hidden" behind my weight, being shy and constantly apologizing for who I am. My weight has yo-yo'ed drastically like Oprah's. I'm 5'8" tall, female. My recommended weight is about 160 lbs. My lightest adult weight has been 155 lbs and my heaviest has been 327 lbs. Currently, I am 270 lbs.
My ethnic background is Asian, and our culture does not tolerate "plumpness" well. I grew up chubby, and my mom put me on Slim Fast, Dexatrim and laxatives when I was 8 years old. When I was a teenager, I withdrew into my shell even further. I still struggled with my weight, and my dad put me on NutriSystem when I was 14 yrs old. My constant cycle is losing up to 30 lbs, then gaining maybe 50 lbs back. I have always had overweight friends too, and secretly we'd take pleasure in binge eating. I also had an abusive boyfriend because I didn't think I deserved any better. We broke up after three years.
As a young adult, I went on a low-carb protein diet. I lost an amazing 110 lbs in 10 months. Suddenly a "fat girl" had blossomed into someone quite attractive. But being slim didn't fill that empty feeling inside of me. I felt sexy and men started paying attention to me, but for all the wrong reasons. The men who were interested in me were mainly interested in my appearance and trying to sleep with me. I had new girl friends who were vain, selfish and only talked about appearances. I was surrounded by all the wrong people who didn't know me before, who didn't know my struggles. I ditched my "fat" friends out of fear of association and becoming overweight again. I entered a world of shallow people with no substance, and I became one myself for two years.
I finally settled down with a nice boyfriend, but I wasn't in love or attracted to him. That sad relationship was based on the fear of being alone, and it lasted 8 years until we just grew tired of each other. When I first met him, I was slender. Over the course of our relationship, being unhappy quickly brought my weight back up. I'm sure he was shocked, but he never said anything hurtful and he still wanted to be intimate. I was the one who felt unattractive and ashamed to have sex. He was Caucasian, and his family never fully accepted my Asian background. His parents were conservative, and claimed their son was an embarrassment. They would make fun of my eyes, ask me if my family owned a laundromat or restaurant, etc. It was hurtful. My boyfriend would always defend me, but the thought of marrying into that family disgusted me. I didn't want to have interracial children with racist grandparents.
Which brings my story to today. I am currently 34 years old, single and 270 lbs. This year year has been the worst year of my life so far. My father died a few months ago and my dog died a few weeks ago. I have chronic gout from my previous low-carb diet. I tore an ankle ligament this summer and have been in a wheelchair for 3 months. This week, my work told me they made an error on my salary for the last couple of years and I have to pay back $5,500. I've had several one-night stands, and I was also in a brief relationship with a married man. My self esteem was at an all-time low and that relationship ended terribly. I have spent most of this year crying in bed.
I'm spent. I'm tired of being unhealthy and unhappy. There's got to be more to life than what I've experienced so far. I can accept that I've made some poor choices in life. I've learned to forgive myself and push forward. I'm getting older, I'm less naive and I no longer blame others or circumstance. Every path I've taken in my adult life has been my decision. The choices I've made have usually been picking the easiest path, whatever brings me instant gratification, or because I didn't think I deserved any better. But not anymore. I do deserve better.
First, I've learned that being slim doesn't mean you ditch the people who knew you before, as if the "fat girl" in you never existed. Some friends are good, some not so much. It's the good people we need to keep in our lives, and the negative ones to stay away from. Avoid toxic people, they mean you harm. Respect the people in your life who love, care for and support you. As for the rest of the population, who cares what people think? They can think whatever they want, but they have no bearing on your life happiness.
I used to think eating and drinking to excess was happiness and enjoyment, but it's not. It has left me unhappy and depressed. Now I am looking to other things in life for satisfaction. I want to explore the world and enjoy all it has to offer. I want to be healthier to do things I'm not physically able to right now, being overweight. I want to be able to have children if I decide to. I want to take care of my mother now that she's alone, and help her as she gets older. I am sure my dad would be content in the afterlife knowing his daughter is happy and living life to the fullest.
I have acknowledged that being slim makes me look different, but that's not all I need to deal with. I hate when people stare at me and size me up. I always feel too big to be anywhere, and I always apologize for being too big. I'm afraid to do things because I think people are judging me or laughing at me behind my back. It's taken work, but I am starting to change the way I think. I'm officially done! To hell with apologies. I am who I am. Why should I be afraid of living? I have the right to enjoy my life, like everyone else on this planet. No more mind traps. No more living in fear.
My first LAP-BAND consultation was 3 months ago. My surgery is tomorrow morning and I'm nervous. I know there will be a lot of lifestyle adjustments, and having to find new coping mechanisms. Physically, there won't be any more binge-eating but mentally, that might be a challenge. But after years of sadness, poor health and frustration, I am ready for a new positive lifestyle. It's either this or die an early death, and I don't want to give up yet.
Thanks for reading. Best wishes to everyone in this forum on their journey to good health and happiness!
