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About this blog

My rants as I try to get this thing right.l

Entries in this blog

 

Today Was My Unfill

So today I went back to my bariatric doctor for the first time in almost a year. Let me tell you, I was not looking forward to that and was a bit nervous. The last time I had went there I had a pretty bad experience with the nurse practioner, and decided not to go back. Since no one else would take me, and I am obviously filled too tight, I went back. It was a pretty good experience today. The nurse practioner who I hadnt liked is no longer there, which was a relief. Natalie, my new NP, asked why I was here, and was very considerate of my situation. I am 1lb heavier than I was when I got the surgery (which is 4.5lbs less than I was 2 weeks ago! ) but Im taking that in stride. Im trying my best to measure my food, and chart my food. I bought an electronic scale today from bath and body works, and let me tell ya, I think it's gonna help! A coworker (and fellow bandster) challenged me to measure my food and stay between 6-8 ounces per meal, and I said GAME ON! We'll see if it helps (I think it will). I told myself if I lost 5 lbs in 2 weeks I will get my hair colored, and I really want that done. I dunno if 2.5lbs a week is too much, but we shall see. Wish me luck fellow bandsters, Im trying to do this right now.
ape087

ape087

4
 

Dear Self

So if I could write a letter to myself, and have it make a difference, what would it say? Ive got this "tool" inside me, yet I know that Im not using it right. When I went into surgery I weight 269lbs. What do I weigh now, a year and a half later? 271.5. I feel like an utter failure most days. How and why do I come up with so many excuses as to why this doesnt work? I dont have time to exercise, Im too poor to buy healthy food, the weight stays on because Im stressed, blah blah blah. I always say that Im going to do better tomorrow, but tomorrow never seems to come. I'd like to know what the heck Im thinking!   I go in for an adjustment on Wednesday. Adjustments are usually fills, but in my case it's not. Im trying to come to terms with the fact that I'm just too tight, but it scares me. I guess having them take the fluid out makes me feel like I have to admit that I'm a failure. I mean, you fill so you can hit that sweet spot, but I never hit it and my band is pretty close to being full. Are they going to judge me because I havent been in to see them in about a year, and I havent lost any weight? These are the types of things that bother me. Part of me wants to go in there, tell them to take it all out, and we will slowly add it back in until I get "the spot". However, another part of me feels pissed that Ive had this thing in for over a year, and it's been nothing. Ive lost more weight BEFORE the surgery than I have after placement. I read the statistics. They say most patients lose 100lbs in the first year on average. Way to go me for breaking the norm. I guess I just need to get the whiney out of my system, and start over. No more excuses. More accountability. More me time. Yeah, that sounds good. Lets see if it happens.
ape087

ape087

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I put forth the effort

I gained some motivation today and went to the gym. My dr's suggest working out at least a half hour everyday, so I thought today would be a great time to start. My husband is in the navy, so I decided to go to the base gym. Granted, being surrounded by all these sweaty guys with big muscles is definatly a perk, but its also a bit intimidating too. What must they think of me, this 264lb girl, drenched in sweat, but only walking 2.4 miles an hour? I started thinking about this, and realized after awhile I didnt care what they thought. :redface: Sure, I wasnt buff, and Im not fitting into a bikini anytime soon, but hey, at least Im here, Im on a treadmill (which is a real feat in itself!) and Im sweating my ass off while I walk my mile at what is considered "cardio pace" for my body. It was liberating. So now Im at home, getting ready to jump in the shower. Ive realized that Im actually kinda hungry, and its only 11:45, and I just ate at 9:30. Do I eat? Or do I wait? Only time will tell. Im gonna go jump in the shower (washing away my hard earned sweat), drink some water, and see where that puts me. I'll write more tonight, but I just felt sooo good about realizing that I didnt care what others thought because I was doing this for me that I had to share. :smile:
ape087

ape087

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how did I get here?

I decided I needed to write out what I was feeling through this whole entire journey, in hopes that maybe it will help someone, mostly me, but others as well.   Its crazy to think that Ive finally went and done the surgery. My dr's have been after me about my weight, and wanted to push for surgery since I was 21 (im 23 now). At that time I hadnt had my daughter yet, I hadnt been married all that long, and I just hadnt lived life. I thought that I would just magically muster up the will power and stamina to lose all my weight. Well that day never came. Fast forward 2 years later, and Im laying on a stretcher in an ambulance with chest pains, a tingely face, and blue toes. I was sitting at work on the phone with a customer (actually a polite one at that) and I had a sudden chest pain and my left arm went numb. I went to the ER, and it turns out it was nothing, or nothing they could identify, but it really got me thinking. When it happened again, I knew I needed help.   So what got me to my state of 297lbs? Was I eating my emotions? Was I compensating for something I was lacking with food? Did my parents make me fat? I don't think I will ever know the answer to that question, but I dont think it was any of those secnerios. I was 23, married for 3 years, and a mother to a wonderful baby girl. I had friends, I had a job, I wasnt depressed. I was just fat.   like i said before, i always thougth I would wake up magically one day and be able to help myself be thin. I bought gym memberships, but never went. I had offers to walk on my lunch breaks, but had other things to do. It seems like for every good intention I had, I had something to downplay it. I worked a desk job in an office that didnt have vending machines. surely that would help keep someone who doesnt move much slim, right? Wrong. I would make sure that I was stocked up with 'snacks' so that when I was hungry I didnt battle it out. I went out for lunches and dinners so I didnt have to cook for 1 (my husband was on deployments). Also most of my socialization was based around meals. If I met a new friend, it was always safe to go out for dinner, because everyone needs to eat. It was just easier to be fat, than to be thin in my mind.   Then in 2009 I got pregnant. I remember several times when I would call my mom sobbing because the dr would make some comment about my weight. "You're gonna have diabetes", "you're not gonna lose the weight after the baby", "you're gonna be bigger". These things hurt. And while I only gained 12lbs during my pregnancy, and delivered a healthly 6lb girl, I dont think I enjoyed my pregnancy as much as I could have. Instead of anticipating hearing my baby's heartbeat, I dreaded stepping on the scale. I would get a disapproving look if I gained 2lbs in a month. It was tough. Yes, it did make me more conscious of what I ate, but that feeling of dread and guilt wasn't worth it.   When I first went into the surgeons office, I knew I wanted the band. I had seen the effects of the bypass, and definatly did not want to deal with that. The sleeve was an option I would consider, but i didnt know much about it. The band seemed perfect. I had read up on it, talked to other patients about it, joined support groups about it, but nothing prepared me for when the surgeon said "you're just too big". I felt defeated. Their requirements for banded patients was a BMI of 50 or under, while I was sittin on 54, the verge of 55. They thought the sleeve would be a great option, the best one that they saw, but upon hearing my insurance they knew it wouldnt be covered. "we will submit it and appeal it, but be prepared for the gastric bypass instead".   This was not at all what I had anticipated. The process that I had come to terms with, and was looking forward to was slipping out of my hands. I couldn't/wouldn't do a bypass. It was too risky in my opinion. However, i trusted that my surgeon would fight for me, and said "Submit the paperwork"   As i waited for the paperwork to come back, I started my own diet. Portion control was what I needed to work on. My eyes were always bigger than my stomach, and I was a member of the clean your plate club. I hated left overs, and I hated throwing food away, so I ate as much as I could. I decided after that consult I would take better care to resolve this issue. I started making my own food (as I should have done anways) and measured out everything. I also started a food log. I wrote down nutritional info for everything that went into my mouth, and watched my calories.   While this was sometimes tedious, it did pay off. I was rejected for the sleeve, and had to go back to the dr to discuss the dreaded bypass. I had finally accepted it as an option, only because I knew I couldnt do this on my own. However, I had explained to my dr's and nurses's what I had been doing, and was really suprised with my weight loss. They asked if they recommended me loggin my foods (which they didnt) and said I was doing everything right for a band patient. It was that decision right there that showed my dr's that the band woudl work for me, because I was willing to work for it.   So now I sit here, 7 days post op, wondering where this new band will take me. Ive already lost 28lbs thanks to pre op diets and the band, and I anticipate more. I would be happy to see me at 200lbs, but why limit myself? I just hope that I have the willpower to make myself work out. i dont want to be one of those sob stories where people wonder why it doesnt work, when they dont follow the rules.   My husband goes on his final naval deployment in January. I hope by the time that he leaves me I will be down to 250 (14lbs in a month and a half) and by the time he returns in June I will be at that 200 mark.   Wish me luck readers (if you're out there). Im not always the strongest willed, but I want to do this, for my family, for my friends, and most importantly for me.
ape087

ape087

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And Then I Just Stopped!

So today has been a day. My darling 2 y/o has been in an *amazing* mood That in inself has made me wanna resort to old ways. However, I've tried to make my food choices a bit better. It has been a great thing though, because in what I've ate, Ive reached a point where Ive said "hey, lets stop" and I did! I had pancakes this morning and had just one when my belly said "hey, lets stop". Then for dinner I had whats called "hamburger pie". I didnt even finish my serving before the belly spoke agian. It was great! No over eating, no getting stuck, no trying to throw up for 45 minutes. I dont wanna say "hey this was easy" but it wasnt. Ive overlooked this feeling before, so my first instince was to ignore it again. That would have been easy. Food has been my comfort, why would I want to give that away? But Ive been trying to turn over a new leaf, so I listened to myself, and let me tell you, it feels good.   I went to the store to try to "stock up" on my "food arsnel". I picked up on frozen fruit for my new protein shakes. Ive never really added things to them before, so I hope that it comes out okay. Im subbing almond milk for regular milk, in hopes of making a few better choices. Im gonna try at least 1, maybe 2, shakes and a good meal for a few days. Maybe that will help things. Can you tell Im still aprehensive about going to the Dr on Wednesday?
ape087

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Good Food Day, Bad Mom Day

SO today was a pretty good day food wise. I bypassed the shake for breakfast and had eggs instead, which was a good choice. Then for lunch I had 3 peices of crab, 2 pieces of lunch meat, and some cheetos. The only thing that stunk was my afternoon. I did hit the candy drawer and had another 1.5oz of chips late afternoon because I was hungry.I havent decided if I was actually hungry or not, but it wasnt bad calories wise. However, when I got home from work it was a different story. My stepson decided that at daycare he would try to cut a piece of his own hair off and blame another kid. Not cool. My husband decided he wanted to wait until I got home to "have a family discussion" about what to do about him. This also means that he was waiting for me to come home and do something. Needless to say Ive been the evil stepmom today and I dished out the punishment. Life will be ruined for our son without the TV and his bike. Hopefully he will learn.
ape087

ape087

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