Well its been about 6 months since my surgery. I have not lost nearly as much as I was hoping, doing nearly as much as I wish I was ... but I'm losing. Thats all that I came into this whole thing for ... to start losing. I have hit goals ... which is awesome! The first one was to just start losing. With having PCOS it was impossible to lose, I had tried, trust me. And it just never happened. So losing anything feels great! The second goal was to get below 200 lbs. I am currently at 198.4!! Not that far below but I still met my goal That one feels awesome too!
I have gotten a job so I dont really have time to come on here at all ... I just wanted to update everyone though Keep on truckin' ... it might take a while but its definitely worth it
So of course I dont like my body. I got the lapband for a reason. As long as I can remember I've been semi-obsessed with losing weight and getting to be "skinny" and fit into skinny jeans etc. I want to look hot and feel hot and be hot. I was always, and still am to a point, jealous of all my skinny friends and all the cute clothes they could wear, and how all the boys liked them and not me. The result this mind set has on me is not really the best ... It makes me feel really discouraged, disappointed and even like I am a failure because I have been overweight since I hit puberty. I used to feel worthless and unlovable because of my size. I've recently come to the realization, even though I have had this head knowledge for a long time, that God loves me just the way I am. He created me in HIS image. I am fearfully and wonderfully made, no matter what this stupid PCOS or I have done to my body.
Today during my devotions the ending question/reflection point was to ask God where you have discontentment in your life and for his help to overcome it, come through it, etc. So I was praying and all I could think about is my weight. The verse I read right before the question was talking about how fearfully and wonderfully made we are and we should know it full well. My weight and being fearfully and WONDERFULLY made doesnt really seem like it goes together but I realized it does. God made me fearfully and wonderfully made, no matter my hair color or how I cut my hair, no matter my weight or what clothes I wear. No matter what I am fearfully and wonderfully made and I need to know it full well. It is not about getting down to a certain weight on the scale, or a certain size ... God is not worried about trivial stuff like that. God is more concerned with my heart and of course if I am healthy enough to do His work.
So my new take on everything is that I will not focus on the size I want to be. I will not focus on the scale. I will focus on my health, eating the proper food and in the proper portions. I will focus on being active and keeping my heart and lungs healthy. I will focus on making sure my muscles can do the jobs God has planned for me. I will focus on keeping my body in good condition so when God says go, I can go and not worry about my body not taking me there! How freeing it is to not be tied to the scale or those cute little jeans I saw at the store. How freeing it is to be tied to God We are ALL fearfully and wonderfully made and we should ALL know it full well!!!
Wow ... I'm completely lost! I knew there was some trouble with the site around the 20th because it seemed like no one was posting. Then I wasnt getting any e-mails saying anyone submitted a blog (at least the ones that I'm subscribed to). This is definitely going to take getting used to. A lot has happened recently since my last post ... besides the reformat of the site, all of these things contribute to the "WOAH" title of this blog. To begin with, my first fill went really well .. it was VERY conservative, only 1 ml and I felt nothing at all. She didnt want to do a lot since it was the week before Thanksgiving (I hope everyone had a great one by the way). I still feel no restriction though and cant wait for my second one, but I'm assuming it will still be just 1 ml since it will be right before Christmas. I really want to feel restriction though ... I feel like I dont even have the band and I feel that if I dont feel like I have it, how is it working for me? I'm stuck at 210 and not moving ... I'm supposed to be moving ... thats the whole point in getting this 30,000+ dollar surgery that put me out of commission for 2+ weeks to include complications and a trip to the ER ... when am I going to see more benefits of it? when am I going to fall in love my band? (Wow he really needs a name lol)
Number two Woah ... it was my 31 st birthday on the 23rd. I thought it was going to suck. Seriously ... my husband decided to go to see his family for thanksgiving without me and our daughter. Granted he wants nothing to do with me right now and I was told last week that he would be filing for divorce when he came back, praying he doesnt though! Anyways, I had no hopes for a nice birthday at all. but to my amazement it was one of the best birthdays i've ever had that i can remember! a friend took me out to lunch and then to get our nails done. again to my amazement she paid for me to get a full set of gel nails .. how freakin nice was that?! her daughter watched my daughter and when we got back to her house my daughter brought me a beaded bracelet she made me and a handmade, hand written by my 4 year old birthday card. it said happy birthday mommy i love you and she drew and colored a heart! my own heart just about melted! that was the first gift and card she has ever made me!! my mommy meter went through the roof!! well my daughter decided that i needed a cake because well .. it was my birthday. how could she sing happy birthday to me if there was no cake so we went to walmart and she picked out a cake (a single slice cake) and we shared it after we ate dominos pizza ( thin sliced and i ate chicken wings). after that we cuddled on the couch and watched movies... it was the most perfect day which i could not have imagined going that well at all ... OH and i've been searching for jobs like crazy and walmart and mcd's didnt even call for an interview but a college called for a secretarial position on my birthday! I was like YAY!!! such a great day!
Unfortunately that great day was followed by thanksgiving ... it was really hard for me because i had no family to spend it with, no great close friends to spend it with. i felt all alone and like no one cared for me at all ... i dont feel like my husbands family cares for me .. i know they love me but it just doesnt seem like they do. it was really hard thinking that he was with his familyl having the grandest time and i was stuck at home with no one. like i was the one being punished for standing for my marriage. i know that just lies and i cant believe them ... but it was just really hard. well i went to two dinners that night ... ate very slow and mostly protein and veggies and the dinners were a few hours apart. the first dinner was .. eh, i didnt really know alot of people and i was just totally bumming from earlier in the day. the second dinner was with a friend and her family who moved a way 4 years ago and just recently moved back and we hadnt been able to connect until last night. it was really great to see her and talk to her again. we used to meet up for lunches all the time when she worked at the local hospital as a social worker in the behavioral health dept. i was really wanting to talk to her about everything going on with my hubs and get her intake on it. anyways, we talked and my daughter got to play with her daughter, and we just had a nice evening. thank God my second dinner was better than the first, and i went home in a much better mood i went there in. its just really nice to reconnect with people. i hope we can keep close. tomorrow we are going to a boat parade on the river together which should be fun.
sorry this is so long, i really need to keep up with blogging. i am having some problems with the whole no restriction and feeling like i dont have the band. i'm trying to limit my portions, trying to eat better but some things just seem to make it past my lips and then i regret it later. if i could do this without the band i wouldnt have gotten it ... so why am doing it with the band but feel nothing?? is this what they call banders hell?? I never really knew what that referred to .. but if this is it ... then i'm in it!
What a crappy week ... There I said it. I've had a terrible week, in regards to my "husband", our fights, being sick, then being sick of what is going on. But I'm determined to make this next week and the ones to come so much better than the one I just had. In church last night the Pastor was talking about a women that was sexually abused by her father when she was a little girl. Well when she grew up she had so many issues because she couldnt let go of the whole situation. She harbored so much emotion and hatred toward him and the situation. She finally learned to forgive him through the workings of the Holy Spirit and when she told him she forgave him for everything he had done to her, she also asked for his forgiveness for all the hatred and other feelings she had towards him. Then the pastor said something so profound it really touched me. He said "Even though she will never trust him alone with her daughters, she forgave him" ... He even repeated it again. That line has been ringing through my mind ever since. She can forgive him but she doesnt have to put herself in his path of destruction. Even though she can forgive him, doesnt mean she has to be a victim of him. It was like a wake up call I guess for what I'm going through in my marriage. I can forgive but not be a victim. I can forgive him but not be in his path of destruction. I can protect myself by keeping a check of my feelings and my heart ... guarding my heart from his actions. I have control over that. I have control over my feelings!
Seeing that I have control over my feelings, then I guess I have control over SOMETHING right? So if I have control over something then I dont have to let everything go spiraling OUT of control. I can have control over my eats .. I can have control over what I put in my mouth and what I do with my body (exercise wise). So here is my new turn ... my new way of thinking. My new "resolve" if you will to not be a victim of anyone ... not even me. I feel like I need to have a plan of action. I am not entirely sure what this plan should look like or include ... probably my diet and exercise of course ... lol ... but besides that, I dont know. I just know that I'm done .... I'm done being a victim, I'm done being all flimsy with my feelings and letting someone else have control over my feelings and I'm done being this freakin heavy. I'm done being fat and I'm done feeling like I have no control over my body. This is my new turn ... a second, sixth, or fourteenth turn actually. But it is my new turn.
So today is my first fill .. I hope at least! I'm literally 15 minutes away from walking out the door to head out to the docs office. It will be the first time I'm seen in the office since before the surgery since I was in there 2 weeks after surgery because of my complications. I'm not really sure if I'm supposed to eat, fast, drink water beforehand or not. And the office isnt even open till 9am! Oh well, I guess if I go in there hungry, and I get the fill that will take care of it for a while LOL.
I'm alittle disappointed going into this first fill. With myself that is. I got down to 199 (YAY!) but then I started eating real foods and I gained 7 back. I forgot to weigh myself this morning in my birthday suit (which coincidently happens to be on Tuesday! My birthday that is lol) so I will weight before I leave to see how my scale matches theirs. Anyways, I'm really bummed I'm still not under 200. I hate the 200's. Its just been such a hard month for me (family and personal problems, that arent going away) and granted I probably had 2 pieces of Halloween candy per day but BLAH ... stress/emo eating sucks! I want to be losing faster (Stop eating junk Laurie!) ... I was doing great on liquids, loosing like 2lbs a day or so ... I know thats fast but it was progress ... right now I see no progess. Hopefully tomorrow and thereafter I will see what I want.
Wish me luck, I really need the fill today!
Well I just got back from the information seminar, got the kiddo in bed and sat down at the computer. It is K's (my daughter) first day of school tomorrow .. going to Pre-K! I"m so excited for her to go and learn, I know she is going to do great but I'm gonna miss my precious baby!
So, on to the seminar ... two things really that I thought of it 1. I'm really leaning toward the Lapband for sure now. Just from what they said about the bypass and the sleeve, I feel like the lapband would suit me better and be more for my lifestyle and desires. and then 2. I'm totally bummed because they are scheduling consults for September, no sooner. I was really hoping to have the surgery in the beginning of Sept since I am already approved with my insurance and all I need to do is the consult, psych and nutrition appts then the surgery. I guess there is a reason God is having me wait. Just have to trust in HIS time. (I"ve been learning that A LOT lately in other areas!)
I am even more excited to have it done though. I've been really worried about excess skin at the end of it all and needing some plastic surgery afterwards ... which would of course have to be out of pocket, and the Doc said that if you are in your 20s or 30s and strength train while you lose, it is easier for your skin to "pop" back. Well I am 30 right now, 31 in Nov and I love strength training! I also heard someone on here say that if you have a BMI of less than 45 or 50, I cant remember which one, that your skin is more likely to "shrink" as well ... All positives!!!
Yes, tomorrow I will officially be a bandster. I'd love to come up with a cute name for it, like LoseIt did ... Band Jovi was it? LOL I dont know. Anyways .. tomorrow I will have it. Tomorrow is the start to the rest of my life. I am praying the Lord helps me stay disciplined, to do what I'm supposed to do and follow the rules so I can have the most benefit and success from this experience.
I have been thinking lately about my NSV and my SV. I dont know if I have a set amount I would like to lose weekly, I'd love to lose at least 5lb ... but I know that probably wont be realistic. During the two week liquid diet I started on the 5th I lost 5 lbs as of the 14th. I think I am still losing though but will sure tomorrow what the final count is. So lets just say that I lost 2.5 lbs each week, thats way more than I was losing before and right in the healthy range. I think thats what I will shoot for my SV.
As far as NSV ... I'd love to be able to cross my legs and not strain my quads or hams doing so, not having to hold my knee or stabilize my foot on something just to keep my legs crossed. Id love to be able to wrap a normal size towel around my body after a shower and have no skin showing! I'd love to be able to not lose my breath walking fast, trying to keep up with my husband. Id love to be able to shop at a normal store and wear single digit sized clothes! I'm very short so I think a normal size for me might be around 4 or 6 ... I'd love a 6, would be happy with an 8 I think. Ahh I'm fooling myself. I want a 6 :thumbup: I want to be able to drive without my stomach touching the steering wheel. I want my daughter to say "mommy what why dont you have two belly's anymore" :smile: I want her to be able to hug ME .. not my fat. I dont want my daughter to know what fat is .... I know there are tons more, but that was on my mind today as I prep for surgery. I have to pack my bag today too ... I wonder what I should bring. I'm only staying a night so should I bring comfy pants to wear to bed? What do I wear home? Will I be able to wear my jeans home? Oh, I also have to fill my prescription today so it can be here ready to use.
My parents are coming here tonight to help with my daughter, my husband is home from Iraq ... YAY ...
Well I'm back! After my 2.5 weeks in WI visiting my family for a get away from stress and life right now and for Christmas, me and my daughter got back to an empty and messy house. My husband moved out of the house the day we got home. Its an adjustment that's for sure and my daughter is missing her daddy and doesn't understand what is going on. He decided to move in with his girlfriend and I don't want her around that. Anyways its been very stressful and I'm breaking out, losing hair like crazy and still around the same weight. I have my third fill on the 19th and should be at about 5ml when I get it. Hoping its a good amount bc I might be losing my insurance in a short amount of tome due to the divorce. Please pray for me if you know the Lord and keep my daughter in them as well please!
Ugh .... I was on mushy foods for like 3 days then realized I could eat real food and moved on to solids. I have no restriction what so ever and can basically eat anything I want. Today I decided to look in my handy dandy information book the surgeon gave me and it says not to move on to solids until day 25 out. I moved on to solids 16 days out. I've gained 8 lbs since I started on regular foods ... granted I was so excited I was basically eating whatever I could get my hands on. :smile2: Plus halloween candy being around really sucks!!
So yeah I've resolved to eat better, going to the grocery store today to get some healthy foods ... but ... should I go back to mushy or just eat healthier solids?
I am so ready for my first fill so I can not have such freedom and screw this up for myself ... could someone please help me??
So! In a past blog I mentioned that I had to wait for my surgeons office to call and schedule a consult with me and I got in on August 25th! Well I called the Psychs office to see if I could get an appt the same day, so we could move it all along ya know? Well they were completely booked that whole week! Bummer! BUT ... I got an appt for Aug 31st!!! I'm going to see the nutritionist on the 25th as well!
So I asked the receptionist what I needed to do to speed things along and when I could "expect" to be able to have surgery if everything goes well ... and she said mid-Sept!!! WHOOO HOOOO!!! She mentioned that I could go ahead and get my doctor to write the necessary letters beforehand and bring them to the appt with me, so I called to make an appt with her, thinking I could get in in about 2 weeks. Well they asked if I wanted to come in TODAY! I hurried up and finished my lunch and headed over there! She was excited for me and said it was the happiest she had seen me in a while (been very upset lately when I saw her bc of PCOS stuff and not being able to loose weight). She seemed really happy for me and said that the insurance will be no problem at all!
I am so excited to have a "prospective" time from for the surgery! Now August just has to hurry up because I have a feeling that at the end of August everything will FLY by! Thats what I'm hoping at least! I cant wait for the surgery!!!
Okay, so Tuesday will be 2 weeks out from surgery. Even though I had that mishap last week and it set me back a bit on my diet, I think I'm ready to move on to soft foods! Last night we had Trick or Treating in our town and after days of candy being in the house, untouched by me of course, I decided to try one Reeses Peanut Butter Cup. I figured, its soft, it can be chewed down to nothing, it will be okay. I took extremely small bites, chewed it to the extreme and it went down well. I waited about a minute or so in between each bite too. I know thats not exactly the best food to try first, or even at all since I'm trying to lose weight but look, a girls gots needs okay?! lol
Anyways, after that went down well, I was really hungry. I've been resting a lot so I've been missing meal times and mine are off now. Like I"ll eat lunch at like 4pm etc. Anywho, it was like 9pm and I made some low sodium veggie soup and I ate pretty good! Small bites, tons of chews and then waited. I ate the veggies in it and the broth!! I felt pretty good afterwards and went to bed a bit later and didnt have any problems!!! YAY!!!! I can eat soft foods now!
So ... Monday I'm going to start of softs. I'm going to figure out what I can eat today so I can plan it all out. I know I can have eggs and mashed potatoes .. but what else can have? Does anyone have any suggestions? I had planned on making 1 egg with cheese and giving half to my dog and trying to eat the other half, or as much of it as I can. I cant really think of anything else that I can have so if you do, let me know! I'm so excited to be starting on REAL foods soon!!!:thumbup:
I cant tell if thats where I am at right now .. either a slow go or a no go. I feel like I'm at a no go. I know I'm eating less, somewhat better quality of foods ... Just have not done a SparkPeople/Fitday calculations for my eats. I guess I'm too lazy for that ... probably not a good combo for having a LapBand. I just feel completely and utterly TIRED of everything that is going on. I know I am partly depressed because of whats happening in my personal life, exhausted of the go around and waiting and hostility and everything else associated with this crap. I just want it over with. You would think that with everything I am not in control of I would want some type of control over my foods and exercise ... its like its the opposite though. If I cant have control of one then forget having control of any of it. Like I'm giving completely up .. I know its not good. I know its not healthy, physically, mentally, or emotionally. The past three days have just been a living hell pretty much in my marriage (If you have read any of my other blogs you know what I'm talking about). we have just been constantly fighting and everything just seems to be spiraling down like crazy. Its hard right now to look up to God, I dont blame him. I dont hate him for what is going on. I know that God is in control, I just dont like the road. God never said we would be completely happy with what he gives us. I guess I'm in a funk .. I need out. I Just cant wait to get to my parents for Christmas and get away from the negativity here. It really is wearing me down, feels like its beating me down actually ...
So I have my second fill on the 16th. I doubt she will be very liberal with it ... infact she will probably be very conservative, probably 1ml again. That will do nothing for me .. It did nothing last time. I'm able to eat whatever I want. I need restriction to help me ... I need peace, I need positivity.
I'm going in for my educational seminar tomorrow night. I don't really know what to expect really. I think I have researched what I need to. I just get this feeling that ... well, I'm not even really sure what I"m feeling.
I guess this doesn't make much sense for my first blog. I was thinking it would be something poetic like :cool: I saw a picture of me that was taken last night and then one today .. wow, I really need this surgery. I know this is a tool and its not an answer. But right now, in this struggle I have been fighting all my life, this tool is my answer. I need a jump-start, something to help me be successful with what I'm already doing. Stupid PCOS makes it so hard for me to lose anything. I swear I breath in carbs and I gain a pound.
I think I'm all confused like because I don't really know how I feel after the seminar. I know how I feel right now and that this is like my only answer to help me, but I feel like maybe at the end of the seminar my mind will change and I wont want the surgery, then what? Where do I go from there?
I'm official! YAY! Everything went really well, my throat is whats causing me the worst pain right now although I am still sore in my tummy and have some gas pain, but seem to be doing well. I walked quiet a bit today so I'm resting for the rest of the night. Hopefully I can check back in tomorrow but this Bandie is going to rest now!
So I got banded Tuesday the 19th, everything was great! I was healing nicely I think, I was able to drink my liquid diet fine but the gas bubble was still around. Saturday I went to get ready for church and once I got dressed in real clothes I started feeling nauseaus and really sick. I decided to go to church anyways and it was so bad we had to leave early and I had to be wheel chaired out! Talk about embarassing. I was in bed the rest of the night. Sunday was a bit better but I could barely drink anything, I had another episode and had to lay down. Monday I had two episodes then at night it got so bad that I was in mega pain and had to call 911.
After being transported to the hospital I was filled with mega drugs and had tons of tests to figure out what was wrong. The issue was a mega gas bubble in my stomach that wasnt allowing anything into my stomach and when I would drink something it would irritate the bubble and make me sick. Everything was perfect with my band though and everything was moving along very well. I spent 2 nights in the hospital before I was able to go home. thankfully I am able to drink now and I'm actually hungry now!
While I was on my liquid diet before the surgery I lost almost 10 lbs then since the surgery I have lost about another 14 lbs. (I posted something different in a response to someone but I totally did the math wrong! Sorry!) Its been a long road so far but I know its going to get better ... I just cant wait to progress to the mushie stage! :thumbup:
YAY!!! So at the end of the info seminar I was under the impression that I wouldnt get any appt until September. Well today ... I GOT A CALL!!! I go in for .. well I dont even know what it is exactly but I go in to see the PA, a pre consultation maybe? I dont know exactly. So that is for August 25th! I'm going to try to schedule the psych consult that day and the nutrition consult too! That way I can just go from there!!! I'm so hoping that I can get the surgery before my husband comes back from Iraq in Oct. *Fingers crossed, Prayers going up and hoping it works out Gods way!*
I have been sick for the last 4 days and it SUCKS. I am just SOO glad that it is 3ish weeks before surgery and hopefully i can be completely healed before the 19th!!!
I start my all liquid diet on tuesday and i went shopping today to get all the stuff i need. i'm anxious to start soooo much and start my new life!!!
So I havent really been on here that much. I guess I was just waiting for more progress to be made in scheduling my surgery. And the progress has been made!!!!
My surgery date is October 19th! I start my 2 week liquid diet on the 5th, my bloodwork is scheduled for the 11th and my pre-op appt is the 14th! I am sooooo excited to get this all done and be on my way to a healthier better me!
I am going to continue to pray that everything turns out the way God wants it, that my blood work will be good and no problems will occur!
The other thing going on is that in about 2 weeks my husband will be coming back from Iraq. Normally that would be incredibly exciting but when he gets back he is looking to get a divorce, I pray that it doesnt go through, that God will change his heart and change it soon .... This is one stress factor that I have had for a long time. But again I am SUPER excited about finally get my surgery date!!!!:smile:
