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Almost a year

Here I am on a Saturday morning, my only day off this weekend. Instead of making the best of it, I'm wallowing, feeling inept. My life has become unmanageable. More days than not I go to bed having to push out overwhelming negative thoughts. I have to numb myself so that I don't think about all the things I'm not doing or have done wrong or don't do as well as others. It's hard. Things bothering me are:   1. It's been almost a year since my surgery and I've lost 45 lbs. My better me thinks good thoughts about this. I've kept it off for longer than I've ever kept weight off in my life. But the rest of me is disappointed, not surprised though. I haven't worked at it for a very long time. I want to go back for another fill, but I'm afraid to show my face, be seen, be reprimanded for the long hiatus, be seen as a failure. I don't know why I can't do this. What is wrong with me. Conclusion: I haven't worked very hard at it, I regret that, but nothing is stopping me from getting back in the game if I can overcome what stops me.   2. Getting blown off by a guy who I thought would call. I thought I was doing him a favor seeing him again, and now I feel like a total idiot. Was I nasty to him, did he sense my disinterest? Was he not all that intereted to begin with? Why can't I get over it. Coming up on 30 I feel overwhelmed sometimes thinking that I will always be alone, like I didn't get picked for the team in gym class. I'm a reject and everyone else left to be with is a reject as well. Mostly I think, why do I keep trying to date when I know that I'm not remotely comfortable with who I am? Conclusion: I'm not ready to give up online dating because I don't have much going on in my life and even the occasional first date gives me something to get excited about. There is no reason I can't work on myself and continue dating.   3. I'm lonely. I hate that no one calls me to do anything. I don't feel like I matter to anyone. Granted Cara calls daily, but I'm tired of talking to her. I don't know if I should say anything. She just redirects every conversation towards herself and even when she does let me talk there's no conversation, just uh huh, yeah, that sucks - anyways...back to me. I can't keep it up. Beyond that, I feel like others here all have a life and put me it when I ask if they have to. Otherwise they all have significant others or close groups of friends. I'm alone, completely alone.   4. Work. I love when I'm with patients, but I'm just not challenged or inspired to work hard. I've become so lazy and I'm not learning anything. I have a chip on my shoulder that I'm not a real doctor, yet I make no effort to actually be an expert in what I do.   5. My apartment, it's a wreck. It's always been that way, it's nothing new. I've never been able to maintain my home. It's always a mad dash to clean it up, a promise to keep it up, and failure. I don't know why I can't do better. I think it's because I park myself in front of the boob tube every night and zone out until it's time for bed. Sad. I know things were better last year when I quit smoking. I would like to stop again, I just don't know if I'm ready. I'm definitely precontemplative.   6. I don't want to go home and disappoint my family with how I look.   7. I'm not in the holiday spirit, I'm really depressed that I'm alone again and have to beg the other folks to come over so that I can celebrate. I'm afraid I'm going to develop an aversion the holidays that I used to love so much.   8. All the crap I haven't done. Loan deferments being the biggest issue.   9. My hair, I can't believe that wasn't number one. I don't even know if I can write about it. It's pitiful and disgusting and I can't stop and I don't want to get help but I really don't want to go on like this. I say I can stop but I can't. I just don't want it to get any worse.   10. Apathy. I used to work a full time job, teach part time and study for classes and tests. During that time I journalled all the time and was able to live a normal life. Maybe I remember it better than it was. Why can't I do that now. I get home by 430 most days. I'm off more weekends than not.   SO, what now. I have the day off, what do I want to do with it. Can I even motivate myself to do anything?   What would make me feel better: -getting out of the house -doing something social -shopping for dress pants -fixing my other dress pants -cleaning up a bit -organizing clothes in my room -sending Pete an email -painting?
laphappy

laphappy

1
 

Feeling good

Well, I'm typing in the darkl on a saturday night and I dont have the patience to delete all of the ls that stickl to my kls. There is so much going on in my life right now that I feel the need to record it for posterity.   First of all, this morning I was 238.6!!!! I havent been eating much at all lately. Its not that Im trying to starve myself, I just havent had an appetite. I've mostly been living on dating fumes. In the last month, actually a little less, I've been on so many dates. First there was Alejandro, which turned into four dates with no action and no potential. Then in between there was Matt, no chemistry, Jon, not interested, and then Jim. Ahhh Jim. Thinkling about him gives me butterflies. Cheesy, yes. But true. I really likled that I had that hotmail message written just after meeting Pete. Being able to lookl backl at that years later and see that I klnew all the problems with him from the get go. But still, fun to have my thoughts recorded. I want to do the same with Jim because I feel like there is potential there. I'm scared to say it out loud because I fear a million things. But our first date was outstanding. We met at Jamaica Pond at sunset. He hugged me and gave me a kliss on the cheekl and then we walkled and talkled and it was easy and fun. We made it about two thirds of the way around and were lookling at some baby duckls when he reached for my hand and he didnt really let go after that. I almost forgot the best part. When he guided me by the small of my backl around a pothole in the path and various other things. He was such a gentleman! We went to the alchemist and had a great time chatting and laughing at our bizarre waitress. Then we walkled backl to my car and he gave me a very very forward first kliss (which he later mentioned he had thought I had done?). Then I klissed him again. The second kliss was oustanding. I was, and still am, so attracted to his broad shoulders and how thick he is. I feel likle we fit together. Althought I kleep fighting off the urge to tell him that my thicklness is liklely fleeting. So, after the first date he texted me to say he had a great time and would talkl to me soon. I agonized monday and tuesday waiting for him to call. When he finally did he klept explaining how busy he had been workling on some tax forms for workl. Then he asked me out, I mentioned him coming over. Which I felt a little bad about, didn't want to raise expectations of action. He came over Thursday, but late because of a flat, so funny. We made dinner. It was comfortable but conversation was at times more of a challenge than it was on the first date. We retired to the futon and went at it. He klissed me so well. His hands were wandering. Then he started with the dry humping. This was troubling to me a bit, maybe too forward a little weird. he went for second base. He had some very good skills nibbling through my shirt. He klept pulling my leg up onto his hip and the hands went to my legs etc. It was nice. I worry that inviting him over shifted things a bit, maybe we won't conversate as well. Regardless, it was a great time. He stayed until almost midnight. Still bragged a bit, talkled about some girl he met online just wanting to jump him. I klept thinkling that I really wanted to see him before he went to philly, but i had told him I needed to study and I didnt want to seem desperate. Today I really just wanted to talkl to him so I called this afternoon, we had a slow conversation but he seemed happy I had called. I said, I'm just really tired of studying and I thought I'd give you a call for a little study breakll. He said "aw, thats nice." I askled him if he wanted to meet for lunch monday before he left town and he said sure. Gave me his office line. We also talkled about how he needed a soundtrackl for his trip on the train to philly. Now I want to burn him a cd called "train trackls" because I thinkl its an incredibly clever title. I'm scared he will be likle, whoa - too much. But you klnow what. I'm thoughtful and anyone who would be turned off by that isnt the person for me. So, tomorrow I'm going to burn him a nice cd of random music. Nothing romanticky, just a nice collection of stuff I likle. I cant wait to see him and it klills me that I hve to wait to see him again untill next weeklend after that. I hope he holds my hand when we walkl to lunch. I thinklt hat would show me that he isnt ashamed to be with me. I dont want to do any big klissing though. I thinkll its good to step backl from all the messing around we did on Thursday. So, I'm all butterfly likle about him and I wanted to list out. 1. Evidence that he is interested 2. Things I likle 3. Things I wonder about.   1. Evidence that he likles me -left Thursday saying to sadie "hopefully I'll see you again sometime" -said he would call from philly -said he likled klissing me and many other things   2. Things I likle: -has a spine Love his lips, shoulders, butt, chest!, legs, etc. I'm so attracted to him, I just want to touch him all the time when we're together He is smart, and curious about things that I dont klnlow a lot about Despite his dry humping, he's a gentleman He loves his family He calls backll, sends texts after dates, brings wine He is goofy He holds my hand His job is so freakin hot He lives on the orange line and has his own place He listens well He seems klind He gives me butterflies He klnows how to plan a date     Things I wonder about: Is he dull? Is he too dorky? His laugh His dry humping Is he promiscuous? Shrek? Arrogant? Mamas boy? Religion differences?   Regardless of all that, I cant wait to see him again. I have got to go to bed now, I'm soooooooo tired I can barely type.
laphappy

laphappy

1
 

What a difference a day makes

So, after my long winded rant yesterday I took some action. I think I did almost everything on my list. I went to CVS, Dunkys, the Harvest Coop, put the sticker on my car, cleaned out my car, sent my USMLE thingy, Icleaned my kitchen, bathroom and living room. Emptied out the nasty pots from the fridge, ran the dishwasher, and washed my towels, pillowcases and comforter cover. I cooked a decent dinner, AND had Rachel over for a few drinks and a chat. So all in all, I think I did quite well. Today I took a trip to Target and got some new pillows, an awesome polkadot top with big circles and a ruched waist, very nice. I also cleaned up after myself on several occasions, which only took a minute. I shined my sink just now. I guess the whole flylady theory is sticking. I kind of realized earlier this evening, that very few of the things I insist on doing on a regular basis are good for me. When I think about Pete, or Chrissy or many of the other somewhat normal people I know. They all had things they sort of insisted on doing. Pete had to go to the gym regardless of whether or not we'd seen each other in a while. Chrissy had to do laundry, had to lay her clothes to dry on a rack, had to empty the cat box. I HAVE TO, by my own insistence, do very litte. The things I do get stubborn about aren't very good for me. I HAVE to sit on my ass all night at smoke and watch tv, I'll even pass on plans to do this at times. I HAVE TO eat junky crap in too large quantities, band or no band. I don't have good regular habits. I can think of a couple - I usually stay in touch with friends, call once in a while, check in - one up on Chrissy there. But after that, not so much. I don't "have to" put on face cream every night because it's something I want to do for myself. I don't "have to" exercise "cause it makes me feel less stressed, or makes me feel good, etc." I dont "have to" take care of nagging errands because I want the weight off my shoulders. I have developed very few beneficial habits. Very few. I want more of them. I was reading some posts of other december bandsters today and was seeing how much they had lost in roughly the same time span since my surgery. I didn't see anyone as low as myself. I really have accomplished something, but haven't tried very hard at all! There isn't much I've denied myself. I don't do the protein thing. I don't avoid ice cream or other high calorie things. ie the au bon pain a thon of bakery. I drink when I eat, I don't exercise. All in all, it's kind of a miracle that I've lost anything at all. I can say that since I've been back on the synthroid bandwagon, the scale seems more cooperative. I don't know why I stopped taking it for so long. Dumb. So, anyway, reading the posts you see how much success those who exericise have had. I did it for a few weeks. It wasn't that bad. I don't know why I can't keep it up. I didn't hate it, I didn't feel super embarassed. Once I was there I always wanted to stay. In addition, I have a perfectly good recumbent bike in my bedroom collecting dust. What if I always did that first when I came home? Even just thirty minutes a day would have to give me something in return. It's right there, I can watch tv, I can be in my underwear for petes sake, if I wanted to. I don't. But really, the gravity of the couch is overwhelming. Maybe that's why I've avoided the cable thing. Realistically, I could afford it, but I just don't need another excuse to sit in front of the television. That's all I do. Good lord, Sadie is on a rant of her own right now, howling away. I think it has something to do with the cat outside who must be in heat or something. Regardless, I digress. So.... things learned this weekend:   Cleaning up is hard to do. Doing little things every day to avoid a mess in the first place is better. I am not working with the band. I ate way too much Crackin Oat Bran Being productive makes me feel better about myself. Having someone just stop by and having things look nice is great Having an organized life whether someone sees it or not is better I have one call left with Kelly Hoagland, I'd say she's VP of bad calls I have one 12 hour period in the daytime with Leena, she's the Prez After that, all my calls are with Cathy Gonzales, Liz or Carmen, and no more weekend calls. So, basically I just have to get through my medium call tomorrow, my large call Sunday, and the rest is smooth sailing. I can pretty much feel secure in hoping that the rest of them will only require as needed ED work.   Other stresses: Next years schedule. I'm fairly sure I will get either Faulkner split or BIDMC first. I think she'll stick me with the Faulkner split. This is good because: Less time at BIDMC days, always on the eight person half, get my float either out of the way at the beginning or saved up to the end. Benefits either way I suppose. Close commute.   Bad because: Celeste   What else: Feel bad about binge today, def was a binge in the true old days way. I ate over a box of cereal today. Not good. I knew it would happen. I need a fill, I think I would consider scheduling one for next week. Would like to avoid the TOM though, that makes things soooo much tighter.   Need to remember mothers day is approaching.   I think that's it. I want to go to bed now feeling peaceful and proud of what I did this weekend.   The scale said 49 this morning, not expecting the same tomorrow.   So: You had a productive weekend, a little bit of social time. You just have to go on call tomorrow night and then you have all of Tuesday off. Then Wednesday is a half day, as is Thurs unless Erin wants to go. Then it's friday, a day off, then Sunday. When Sunday is over (well actually at eight oclock when Cathy comes on, you are all good!!!!) You then get monday off and you are past call hell.   Second year definitely sounds hard, but at the same time - I really look forward to being master of my own work. Not needing to come to anyones call who gets to tell me what to do and when to go to bed. At least I'll be the boss of my time, even if it's all spent awake.   OK, off to bed. Please exercise when you get home post call. I dont really want to set difinitve weight loss goals, but If I'm at fifty now(who knows after today). I'd like May to be a banner month. I want to see the thirties early this summer. I think my realistic goal would be thirty five by the end of first year. That would be a fifty lb total loss, and it would put me back to a recognizable place in my past. Its also shooting distance to one of my first major goals. That means fifteen lbs in approximately 7 weeks. So the two lbs a week rule, which is completely doable. If I could hit thirty five by June 19, then my next goal would be two fifteen. Another 8-9 weeks for that would put me there by the end of summer. Then I spend my fall getting past ONEderland. Oh the possibilites, and the fact that they're both realistic and maintainable now is such a relief.   Goodnight!:clap2: :notagree
laphappy

laphappy

1
 

Spring has sprung

Here I am, in the season of change/rebirth blah blah blah. I suck. I know, that's counterproductive, internal dialogue such as that can change the way you view the world and won't motivate change - again blah blah blah. I don't know why I am able to have this bizarre selective content ignorance about how things in my life are at the moment. When I have a moment of clarity, I look around my apartment right now and see a rug littered with crumbs and a coffee table ripe with old dishes, cigarette butts and junk. My dining room table is piled with all the things I deposit on my way in the door. My kitchen, which I painstakingly cleaned last week, is deep in rotting fruit and cheese, my fridge has several pots that have been marinating in their choice fuzzy molded over dishes for several months. My bedroom has nary a spot of open floor for all the clothes and crap. I come home early from work, I leave at a reasonable time in the morning. I have no excuse. Yesterday I came home at 4:00. Passed on a wine party with half formed delusions of accomplishing something. Instead I melted into TV/computer coma till bedtime, as I knew I would. I had this surgery because I was tired of the relentlessly inevitable frantic motivated "new plan" "life overhall" "lifestlye change" that always resulted in failure, a period of deluded "whatever" to be rinsed and repeated. Now I feel like I'd kill to have that kind of motivation again. I'm not the same person I was back then. I seem unable to even pretend to muster that degree of fervency. Now, I have this tool, more reason than ever to feel I will succeed, and I don't. Not that I haven't lost weight. If my highest was 285, I'm down 35lbs and that's something. But, it's been four and a half months. If I had used the time better I could have easily lost another 15. I just don't know what is wrong with me. Something is definitely wrong with me. I'm always letting life get away from me, I don't want to do the things that aren't fun. I ignore the things that have to be done so that I can sit and stare at a TV and pretend they don't exist. When I'm at work, all I think about is getting home to smoke and watch tv and do nothing. I am numb. I don't want to be numb anymore. I want to take care of things, be ahead of the game. I want to succeed damnit. But instead I just rot and get older and don't achieve any of the things that really matter. I know improving yourself is supposed to be about you, not wanting external things. But really, I want to find a man who I love and would settle down with. I don't really feel confident that I can get as much quality with what I'm carrying around right now. I strongly believe that the sooner I get thinner, the sooner I can attract the kind of man I would want to marry. Yet I sit. I want to have a clean and organized apartment, I want to be someone who washes their sheets more often than every six months. Yet I sit. I want to cook healthy meals and become more compliant with this band. Yet I sit. Why, because it's easy. I've become incredily complacent in my actions, yet internally still want all kinds of things that require hard work and motivation. I only seem to have that in burst form, nothing sustainable. Can that be changed, it it programed somewhere in me? How do I change it? I guess I just suck it up and do it, but I've never been able to before. I guess everything comes one day at a time. I've never really suceeded at those kinds of things. Instead I do big tests that I cram for in a burst of motivation, call nights that come in one big chunk. I can't even remember to regularly take medicine every day, forget vitamins. My inclination is to get excited and say, okay - I will fix this today. I will clean everything, wash everything, plan the perfect grocery list. Make the perfect meals today. I will make a list of things to do and check them off one by one. But tomorrow there will be new things, and the next day and the next day. I can't ever really get ahead of life. Burying my ass in the couch and resting saying "ah, finally it's all done." Never going to happen. I cringe at the thought. There will always be something I have to take care of. How does everyone else do it? It overwhelms me. I suppose I can think of my strengths and incorporate them into a strategy? Fuck it. :angry   What can I do today, that's all I can think about right now.   Today:   I can: Clean up my kitchen in probably about 30 minutes. I can take out the garbage and probably even muster the strength to clean out a few of the nasy fridge pots.   I can: Tidy and vacuum my living room   I can: Find my Step 3 registration and put postage on it and put it in a mailbox.   I can: Tidy the bathroom   I can: Do a couple loads of laundry   I can: Put the registration sticker on my car.   I can: Go get a new DVD player   I can: Buy a dresser   I can: Go grocery shopping after deciding on food for the week.   I can: write a thank you letter to penny   I can: sit on my ass all day and do nothing   I can: exercise   So I transferred these things to a list. I can get through all this in the next two days. However, afterwards, there will be more laundry and more cleaning and more crappy tasks. It will never all be done for good.   Ok, so now I have to take action. I don't generally start doing that until I can somewhat visualize a course of events. I can get up, stretch, go put on my comfy jeans and a nice casual top. I can go to dunkys and to get cigs, get some preliminary groceries. In the mean time, putting the sticker on my car. (If it's still there, I have some doubt as I've heard a cacophany of car alarm in the past half hour). I could also find my usmle thing and mail it on the way down. In fact, I could also start a load of towels/sheets on my way. So, amended plan....   Get dressed, put on makeup. Gather a load of towels and sheets, put dryer sheets in purse. Find my uslme thing and put it in an envelope with postage. Go downstairs, drop off the laundry, go to dunkins and get coffee, walk up to the quick-e-mart and get a three pack of cigs. Go to harvest market and get some preliminary groceries. Come back and switch laundry load using handy dryer sheets that I've already got with me. Go upstairs and put in the ipod, you have an hour to clean kitchen and empty out nasty pots before laundry is done.
laphappy

laphappy

1
 

2cc

Well, again I feel obligated to comment on the fact that I haven't been journalling. Whatever, I haven't felt like it. I look at the notebook fairly often and have romanticized visions of sitting down and really pondering the meaning of life and banding. Then I smoke and ph and watch tv. That's about all I do. I sit at work all day counting down the hours until I can go home to do more of it. It does nothing for me. But then I think, what else is there to do. Go for a walk, nah. Exercise, nah. Be social, nah. I'll just sit on my ass. I don't know why I'm so broken that way. I imagine all the normal people out living their lives and I think about how much of mine has been wasted. I think I figure that my life is on hold now, I'll start doing all that fun stuff later when weight isn't an issue. I think I've been in a sort of half reality since banding. Not really realizing what this change could mean for me. I could actually not be fat anymore. Even as I type that I don't understand what it means. I hear it in my mind and still just don't grasp it. It's the more likely than not reality of this surgery. Mostly I think, what will others say. How do I explain looking like a sharpei puppy? Almost makes me wonder if keeping some flub on will fill out the sags better. Silly. But anyways. I went in for my second fill the Wednesday before last. I got another half cc or so, bringing my grand total to 2cc. It's been very effective. I feel restriction in the form of golf balls now. I have learned through several attempts, that chips (doritos in particular) will not be part of my future. Also most breads have given me some trouble especially in the morning. I made a grilled ham and cheese this evening and dipped it in copious amounts of horseradish and light sour cream. After one bite I got the short term golf ball, it passed quickly. The worst are the 15 minute golf balls where I have to go hide somewhere as it's sooooo uncomfortable. I have been able to successfully eat chicken and most everything else I've tried. I have been drinking with most of my meals and I need to work on that. I haven't really paid attention to feelings of fullness. However, when I ate that grilled cheese it was in quarters and after two of them I sort of took a break. Then had one more quarter and really was full. I have much less desire to eat. The area that needs the most improvement are the "extras." I am back to drinking coffee and I find that my hand keeps reaching for the cream. I still want cookies or some kind of treat with every meal. I'm also not keeping up with protein, but am realizing that I never got the required protein any other time in my life either. Not that it makes it any more acceptable. So today, for breakfast I had one packet of oatmeal with whole milk, DOH! Then at lunch I had a chicken fajita and I just ate the chicken and veggies from inside, and asked for it with no rice. I had some sour cream mixed with salsa on it, but only a few tablespoons. THen I ate a pack of snackwell cookies and a little bit of apple juice. For a snack I had an iced coffee and two small oatmeal cookies. For dinner I had three quarters of that grilled swiss and ham sandwich. That was it. I don't feel hungry. Scale wise, it's been varying. I didn't have as big a drop as last time. I'm also on my period so water weight should be coming off shortly. I've been hovering aroudn 253, but its weird. I get on once and its 256 again and its 254 then 253.something that rounds it up but I ignore it. So, my main goal is to be in the fourties by the time I go home. If I could be 247 it'd be a miracle. Then I'd have technically lost 40lbs. If I can keep weight off while I'm home that would be the real miracle. Everything we do is food focused and with two birthdays I don't really know what to expect. Dad will be judgemental and I will want UDF, probably in reverse order. Exercise needs to become a committment. I haven't a single excuse that holds water at the moment. My schedule is beyond light and I could be at that gym almost every day of the week. I hope that on child I can get back in the habit. But of course there's no reason I can't get back in the habit next week when I'm on night shift for that matter. I like going, It's not embarassing. I don't love that I might run into Karen's son. But oh well. By the way, I think Karen had lap band. I can't be absolutely sure, but I'm fairly certain. I heard a nurse ask her several times how she was doing with her "fill." And she has talked frequently about weight loss. Oddly I feel a bond, and almost want to tell her. But then I think again. She is anything but trustworthy and has access to everyone I work with. Mmmm, think I will not share personal details with passive aggressive neurotic jewish lady who seems anti-resident. I would really like to be sharing things with Angie, but since she completely blew me off last weekend for the third time I think?, I will have to keep it between me and the keyboard. I just want to call her and yell at her, but what can I do. She knows she done wrong.   So, as for the near future and my goal of dropping six pounds in 9 days, probably not going to happen. But, if the water weight is yet to come, it's feasible that I could hit the 40's.   First challenge: Call tomorrow It's a Saturday, argh. But I work with CG who should be a very nice resident to work with, bonus. I am afraid I will use my meal card to it's full evil potential and eat nothing but frozen yogurt. I have found that if that's all I really want, that's all I should get. But really I should just skip it. I will have a nice breakfast, maybe oatmeal or eggs. Then go to work with the goal of getting a healthy lunch. There are limited options down there. But I could go with a piece of fruit, yogurt, grab some expensive soy drinks or whatever. For protein I could try to get a grilled chicken sandwich or veggie pattie. Will not be getting doritos. For dinner, I can do the same. It's so freakin boring. So, goal is to get through call without cookies or other sweets. Could replace frozen yogurt with fruit popcicles? Cookies with snackwells.   Then I have no reason all day Sunday to avoid the recumbent bike. Even if I get no sleep what so ever, I could sleep for four or five hours sunday and then hit the bike. I also desperately need to do laundry and get my clothes/room in order. Monday I'm on nights so I can easily work out that day.   OK, now I'm getting tired and my rant must come to a close. Overall conclusions:   1. Stop drinking with your meals idiot. 2. Don't eat bad foods in the cafeteria 3. Stop making excused about exercising. 4. Try to get as close to the 40's as you can by April 8th. 5. Stay calm and resilient on call, you have to do what they tell you and you have to be there. Just agree to be working hard for 24 hours and expect nothing less. That's your job and you chose it damnit. It will be much worse next year. 6. Yay, you have restriction. 7. Yay, you've lost at least 30lbs. 8. Yay, you journalled. 9. Yay, you get to go to sleep now! :clap2:
laphappy

laphappy

1
 

1-16-07

As Chris Isaak would say "Baby did a bad bad thing." When I was on call last night, Faye was talking about McDonalds in the Galleria. We walked over, and as I passed the Subway I said, oh I should be good and go there. But I didn't, of course. I walked with her to McD's, got the purple food haze and ordered a small fry, 10pc chicken nuggets AND a medium milkshake. SERIOUSLY!!! I also had waaaay too much for lunch, veggie burger (plain no bun), frozen yogurt with snackwells cookies, small serving of veggie lasagne. I was so full after that lunch, I can't believe I went on to eat McDonalds - it wasn't even that good. I think there are a couple things leading to this: 1. The fact that I have this card with tons of money and I can have whatever I want for free. Solution: Think of it as having as many healthy things as possible, pretend the other stuff doesn't exist. This is not easy. 2. The "reward" thing, I'm on call - I deserve to have whatever I want Solution: There are some rewards down there in moderation. Fruit bars, small amnt of frozen yogurt, snackwells 3. The fact that I am very hungry, have to rush down when I get a second to eat. Also not many good choices. Solution: Eat smaller meals through the day, pack a few things... protein bar etc. 4 The fact that I have access to foods that I don't usually have access to at home and that I want them. Nothing can change that, hopefully the fill with help.   Ok, so now to turn over a more positive leaf. Saturday: Joined the gym, did 20 mins on the elliptical and it was rough. Sunday: Gym closed so did 30 minutes on the recumbent bike, it wasn't that hard, nice to watch tv. Monday: On Call Tuesday(today): Went to gym post call and did 30 mintues on the elliptical at 20 resistance and 0 elevation, found it a bit easier without my hands on the arm swingies. I also did a good job on the nautilus, figured out the big bugee machine. Still feel a little fragmented on them, like I'm not picking the right weights or doing enough reps/or few enough, and repeating the way I should. Regardless, I was there for an hour. I feel pretty beat now.   So, this is actually a pretty good week overall. Monday holiday (even though I was on call I wasn't at Neuro), Tuesday post call, Wednesday lecture, so just really a full two day week. And I'm on call Friday, so I don't have to stay late. Then I have eight days off!!!! I sort of feel that I'm wasting my vacation though. Not going anywhere or doing anything. Truth is, I can't really afford it. I could get together with Jill, take care of more annoying busy work (insurance/accident thing, apartment condo thing). Hopefully I won't sit around and eat all day.   Ok, so overall, winning on the exercise front, losing on the food choices front.
laphappy

laphappy

1
 

January 14th, 2007

So I havent logged my progress or my journey much lately, not sure why. Maybe because all the negative inner monologue stuff comes into play and all I can think of is working that out instead of talking about weight. So here is the weighty end of things:   I haven't lost as much in the first month as I thought I would. I chalked it up, initially, to the fact that I was so dehydrated from gastroenterities that going into surgery I had already lost all that water weight. Thats also likley why I gained several pounds after surgery and had to lose that as well. So that explains the short term stalling. Then I thought it would just drop off like it did for Angie and so many others on LBT. But it didn't. Now being honest with myself - much of that was my fault. I was good with liquids for about a week, then I had my chocolates and ice cream snafoo. Then I was making my smoothies way too calorie dense. Then at the xmas party I was eating like a normal person, very bad. So much ice cream purchased even though I know how bad it is for me. Then when Neuro started, I initially packed, but no more. Now Im eating just like everyone else. I went to an Indian buffet and ate waaaay too much. So I have made my fair share of mistakes that can explain my lack of dramatic losses.   I was feeling pretty down about all my transgressions until I went for my post op checkup, it was Jan 3rd. (approx 3.5 wks after surgery) and she told me I have acutally lost 21 lbs from my highest!!!! That really perked me up let me tell you!!!! I didn't realize I was ever that high. I thought maybe I had gone up to the eighties but I couldnt remember for sure. I was 287 at my highest in September (so I figure 284 naked) and I was 266 January 3rd!!! (263 that morning at home). I didn't realize how far I had come. I realized that even though only ten of that was post op, the overall change is what matters.   I have noticed some really positive changes. First of all, my clothes fit much much better. So many jeans that I couldnt wear any more are now loose to comfortable. Shirts I couldn't button now go on much better. I have seen pictures of my face and I can see that it has thinned out.   I've also made some positive changes. I quit smoking!! It's amazing to me. It was such a huge crippling part of my life for several years. I would rush home to smoke, stay home to smoke, leave rotations to go home or to the car to smoke. My apartment stunk. I would have to take a shower every time I wanted to leave the house. I was spending close to a hundred dollars a month on cigarettes. Then I just quit. I didn't have withdrawal, I didn't think about it that much. It still crosses my mind every once in a while... "just go get a pack, just one pack" But the thought passes pretty quickly. I'm just surprised it wasnt harder to quit. Even when I smoked like a chimney at that party with Eric, i still didn't relapse. I am very proud of that!!! I breathe so much better, I dont get that tightness in my chest when I walk outside. I don't have that nasty cough and post nasal drip anymore. I quit Nov 25th so its been almost eight weeks.   I also quit the coffee habit. I guess I can't say that I never have any, because diet snapple certainly has a bit, and I've had an iced coffee once I think? I also gave up on carbonation. I just sipped at half a beer once. I do miss having that diet coke/pepsi fix. But I already break the rules enough, I think I should stick to as many as I can.   So I go for my first fill? Jan 31st, which is post call so no one will know. I have had some trouble with the whole "make sure no one knows" syndrome. It has motivated me to eat more than I should, and things I shouldn't eat in order to avoid being noticed. At that pharm lunch I ate a whole serving of fries and half a turkey sandwich with bread and bacon. God those fries were good. Anyways - I didn't get this done so that I would pick at carrott sticks, I did it so that I could learn to have a normal relationship with food, in reasonable quantities. I think that my first fill should help move me in that direction. Right now it's hard because I feel like I have been able to tolerate eating everything, makes it hard not to have whatever I want.   I'm really going to have to get better at the "bandster" rules. I am eating more per meal than I should - restriction should help with that. I am really feeling the need to drink with meals. I am not chewing as well as I should. So I have a lot to work on. But I am looking forward to the fill.   So: On the exercise front. I had done absolutely nothing up until this weekend. Although I have gotten tons of walking in at work. Regardless, Saturday I remembered that patient mentioning there was a pool around the corner at the community center. Well, they also have a nice fitness center so I went and joined and worked out. I did the elliptical for about 20 minutes, thats all I could do. Man did that work up a sweat!!!! Then I did a brief nautilus circuit, but I need to figure out the machines. Its 19 a month, which is a lot cheaper than work gym. And its around the corner, couldn't be closer. And when I finally feel able - I can swim there!!!! I keep fantasizing about doing a good cardio workout and then having a refreshing swim afterwards. That would be soooo great!!!!   As far as my actual weight, its been fluctuating around a two or three pound variation. It was as low as 261.8 a couple weeks ago, before I started eating badly. Then it went up to 264 ( but I felt that was from pre period swelling). It then seemed to settle at 263 for a long time. (And I still feel swollen). So I worked out on Saturday, then went out and had Etoh and a dessert on top of 1300 calories, and then this morning I weighed 260.4!!!!!! I was so excited. Usually after a workout my muscles swell and I gain weight. So I am headed off to do some time on the much neglected recumbent bike.   I think that journalling on this forum will work much better than sitting down with the notebook, I can always print them out and then put them in the notebook.
laphappy

laphappy

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