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feeling better

After feeling so down on myself, I am better. Husband and I went to lunch with my mother and her boyfriend. Ate too much so I was full for the rest of the night. Not bad to eat only once a day. I did have a handfull of nuts before bed and I'm still full so that is good. I'm going to fix a couple of eggs for breakfast today and tomorrow and see if that keeps me satisfied until lunch. I bought some cottage cheese to take for lunch Thursday and Friday since I can only have liquids after my fill Tuesday and Wednesday. That is what the doctor says is 2 days liquids, 2 days mushy, and then back to normal just smaller portions. I can do this. It's been a challenge for me in the past but I can do it this time. I got 2 new books on compulsive eating and weight issues so I'm looking forward to reading them. I just finished the 2 lap band books I was reading. Life After the lap band was a good book and had alot of information. The information is what I needed before I began this journey, it would have told me not to drink milk shakes and eat hamburgers and expect to lose the weight. I was just thinking I can only eat in small amounts so I can't gain weight if I don't eat like I used too. There were times when I could eat what I wanted and how much I wanted I gained weight in fact with the band. I know the doctor was getting tired of it, he must have been. Then I got my act together and have been losing except for my binge when I had the 4 days off. You never get a day off with the band, it is like you have to be spot on or you will gain weight and that is the last thing I want to do right now. I know I'll gain weight while being on vacation because the strawberry dacquiri's just call my name in Vegas. They have the tall one's with the long straw and they are so good. My husband and I share them so that isn't so bad just bad enough I'm sure to show on the scale. While we are out there I won't be thinking about anything but swimming, laying by the pool, and eating at some nice restaraunts. Since I can only eat a small amount, we have decided to go to some nice places and spend the $30-$40 on one meal and share it. Makes sense to me. Last time we were there was right before I got the band, in fact I had to go on my 8 day pre-op diet when I got back. We didn't eat at any really nice places just cafe's in the casino and burger joints. Nothing special though so this time I am taking enough money that we don't have to worry about eating or playing the machines. It should be a nice time. My friend "C" from work is watching Kiko and Gabby since I watched her dog for her while she went to Disneyworld. He was a good dog, very loving and sweet but he lifted his leg on everything to mark his territory. That is something we weren't used to so for a week we dealt with it. But I'm sure my dogs will get her carpet a few times. Gabby will enjoy seeing Jasper again and they will play for the first few days and then Jasper will get tired like he did here at our house and try to hide from her. He is 10 years old and Gabby is 1 1/2 years so she is full of energy and doesn't know when to stop but I don't know how long it will take for her to get comfortable around "C". She may just hide under the bed for a few days and then come creeping out. We will take her bed for her but who knows if she will sleep in it. I hope she just decides to sleep with "C" and be comfortable enough to relax a little. She is very skiddish around new people. I hope she is ok. Kiko I don't worry about, as long as she has food and her bed she is ok. She doesn't play much so Jasper doesn't have to worry about keeping her company. I can't wait to go on vacation. I'm thinking even if I lose another 10 lbs before we leave (Aug 29th) that will be fine with me. I wanted to hit the 200 mark before we left but it just isn't happening. I would have to really buckle down and exercise every night at the gym and do the elliptical here at home before getting ready for the day. Robert bought a gym style elliptical so we use it and it is hard so I can only do 9-10 minutes on it so that is enough to get my metabolism going but not enough to burn any extra calories but anything is better than nothing. My husband is looking for a full time job since his bookkeeping isn't really enough to keep us afloat and tax season is over. So it will be hard having him gone throughout the days and the dogs will miss him most since he has been around them for so long. During tax season he did taxes with another CPA so he wasn't home during the day and Gabby showed him how she felt by peeing on the carpet. That cost $1700 to get it ripped up and tile put down. But hey what do you expect from a strong-headed chihuahua. She will hate him being gone and I will too since he does everything around the house. I feel so spoiled by having him home. He is there to watch me leave for work and there when I get home from work. He is always there showing his support through all this. He has never made me feel badly about myself except when he would talk about how his ex-wife would win the wet t-shirt contest in Las Vegas, or how he carried her while on vacation. I found some nude photo's of her that were taken by the beach when they went to Cancun. She is so pretty but she uses her looks to get what she wants. That is why they divorced. She was accepting diamond earrings and other gifts from doctor's at the hospital where she worked. She is a nurse. I found pictures of her being on a billboard advertisement for the hospital with another nurse. How can you get that lucky? To be so pretty and have a good career? I wish I was like that. The cable company I work for is really good and has great benefits and I made more than my husband did when he was an accountant for a firm. That bites for him since I don't have a master's degree and make that much money he says. I just don't think he was getting paid what he should have been. He is very smart and sometimes I feel like a real dummy but he never says anything about it so that is good cause I would have to kill him. The only other time I told him I would kill him is if he ever cheated on me. But I really don't think I would, I would feel like it but I would keep him alive so he would have to deal with his decisions. He knows how much it would hurt me and since it feels like all the men in my life have used me and left me for other women it would just feel like "here we go again". It would break my heart since he is the only man I haven't cheated on and he has my heart. All the men before left me bored and wanting more and you always think the grass is greener on the other side so I was always looking. No regrets except I shouldn't have wasted my time on more than half of them but boy did I have fun when I was younger. I had so much fun. When I would lose the weight is when I had the most fun, but when I gained the weight I was with a couple of guys that didn't care how big I was, they liked the company and I was fun so they enjoyed it. I left those 2 guys when I met Robert. I knew I couldn't juggle 3 men and Robert was a keeper. Handsome, had a job, had a car, and paid for the movie...what more could I ask for. He didn't pressure me for sex so that was a good thing and that is what stuck in my head. When we went on our first date all I could think about was how good looking he was and how good he smelled. It was just filling up my mind with happy thoughts. Then when we talked for so long in the car I knew he was the one that I wanted to spend the rest of my life with. Well more on that story later. I'm done rambling for the day. Have a good one and good luck losing.
khunt719

khunt719

1
 

did I make a mistake

Ok so I come home last night after eating good all day and I weigh 4 more lbs than what I weighed the day before. It is like I can't get back to 226 to save my life. I don't know what I am doing wrong but the way I ate yesterday I should have been down a lb or so. I am drinking my water, walking, eating my protein. I just don't know. Before having surgery I lost 30 lbs before we went on vacation in Sept and it only took me 3 months to do that but now that I have had surgery it is taking alot longer to lose weight. What have I done to myself? I know I need to get to the gym and swim but working this OT is taking it's toll on me. I've been up since 3:00 and the internet was down for 2 1/2 hours of that so now that I can get on, I've had alot of time to think. I'm reading "Ultimate lap-band success" by Dr. Duc Vuong. He has alot of good information about behavior and I fall into the category of not getting my act together. I fall off the wagon it seems like every other day, I can't just stay on eating small amounts. Do I need a fill? I think so but I have to wait until Tuesday to get one. I don't know if that is going to make a change but I went 6 hours between lunch and dinner yesterday but Sunday I was hungry after 3 hours so I don't know what is going on with my band. It is very frustrating. I don't have to go in and do OT today...go figure since I have been up since 3, would have come in handy today of all days. So maybe tonight I can get to the gym and do some exercising for about an hour. I mean I worked so hard to get approved by my insurance. It took 1 1/2 years from my first appt with the surgeon to my approval letter in the mail. I had to exercise, journal, keep track of my thoughts and feelings, no drinking 30 minutes before and 1 hour after my meals, learn to chew chew chew. There was alot of things that lead up to this point and it isn't coming together like I thought. It is very disappointing that my mother has lost 22 lbs in her first month I haven't lost that much since having surgery. I didn't weigh myself this morning and don't think I will for a few days at least until Sunday and then I will see where I am at. Work was good yesterday, I got my score card for the month of May and I met my goals for sales and did above the average on receipts so it was good. Alot of co-workers didn't get good scores so they were upset but they only have themselves to blame on that one. I guess I only have myself to blame for me not losing the weight. I just need to get it together and it seems like it was just last week that I was saying the same thing and still haven't gotten it together. Just another story of my life. Husband is still supporting me and keeping me feeling like I really amount to something in his life and he would die if something happened to me. He doesn't like to see me upset about what is going on with my weight but he says he loves me for who I am and I am beautiful the way I look. And that is why I love him. He has been here when I gained the 70 lbs and he will still be here when I lose it and more. I just love him so much, he is my life. And of course the dogs. My daughter is in WY with her boyfriend whom I don't like but have to live with the fact that she is 22 and can do what she wants but we are here if she needs to come back home or can't make it there. She has a weight problem and her boyfriend seems to love her for who she is and doesn't mind her being fat. It bothers me more since diabetes runs in our family and I don't want her health or body to suffer because she is carrying around an extra 100 lbs. So now that I have told you how grand my life is...this is my story for the day. Hope you have a good one.
khunt719

khunt719

1
 

Couldn't sleep

Well I woke up at 12:00 and couldn't get back to sleep so I decided to do my cafe on facebook and make some coffee. After 4 cups and about an hour on the computer I went upstairs to try and sleep but that wasn't happening. I just laid there and my mind starts to think. I wonder why this surgery isn't working like I thought it should? was it all the sabotaging I did in the early stages? do I need to exercise more? What is it? I just have to lose this 10 lbs by next Tuesday and I'll be fine but it is getting it off that is the problem. So for breakfast I am having a slim jim, for lunch about a cup of chili that I made last night, and for dinner who knows. I guess we could go out for dinner since we haven't for a few days. I just hate going out because it is like you order and this heaping plate of food comes to the table and you can only eat a little bit and then you take the rest home. I don't eat leftovers unless they are from PF Changs so my husband ends up eating them. He doesn't mind all the food leftover but I get tired of going out and only eating a small portion but do I really hate it worse than being fat? I honestly hate being fat. The way my belly hangs and jiggles when I move, the way my thighs rub together, the way my boobs sag...there are so many things about my body that I would change. I already plan on getting a tummy tuck after the majority of my weight comes off but that will be in 2 years if I don't get it together and really try at this weight loss program. My slim jim is spicy but good and I guess it will do for being breakfast. At least it will keep me from craving something that isn't as good for me. I'll get some protein from it and I'll have a shake on my first break that should tie me over until I go to lunch. It is going to be a long day at work because my day started so early. I hope I don't get rude with the customers but after yesterday I think I can get through anything. We had so many yellers in here it was nuts. Everyone had an attitude and I hate when they think they are better than me just because they come and pay their cable bill. Pay it on time and pay the full balance if you are going to act that way with me. Please, I am college educated and making more money now than when I was in law enforcement and I don't have the danger that came with that job. Well this in my story for today. I'll let you know how it goes tomorrow.
khunt719

khunt719

2
 

Back on the wagon

I had 4 days off from work for the holiday and loved every bit of them. I was bad though. It was my mother's birthday and I bought her a cake and I ate it for 3 days. I ate some good foods and some bad foods. I didn't go to the gym like I wanted to and I go for my fill on the 15th so I have to kick it in gear and at least lose 5 lbs before I go into the doctors. I hate disappointing myself and him but the cake was so worth it. Moist, soft, creamy...so full of goodness, calories and carbs. So I bought a big bottle of Arrowhead water and plan on drinking it throughout the day. My stomach didn't bother me all 4 days so I know I didn't over eat. I just ate the wrong foods. I wasn't brave enough to weigh myself this morning but I came in to do OT so I was in a hurry getting ready for the day. I'll plan on going to the gym tonight, I want to start swimming again. My mother says it is very good exercise and my body doesn't hurt after I swim and pre-surgery that is how I lost my weight is by swimming so that is what I'm going back to doing. Not lifting weights or doing cardio, just swimming. Life is good for right now. My husband did enjoy having me home for the 4 days, he is lost without me or atleast that is what he says. We have such a great time together. I can't imagine spending my life with someone else. God help me if anything ever happened to him. So this is how my day is going so far and how my weekend went. The goal for today is to eat good and exercise.
khunt719

khunt719

0
 

Back at it

I got up at 4:15 to come into work at 5:30 so I could get some OT. I am supposed to have drops today and that is fine. Drops are where you sit in the office and process the checks that have been dropped off at King Sooper's and outside in the payment only box. It is a nice break from dealing face to face with customers and it usually takes about 4-5 hours, some people take the full 8 hours to do them but I like to get them done and come back up front to work the customers. I went and bought a new blue tooth yesterday and car charger for my cell phone. My cell phone was going dead after about 40 min of talk time which was killing me since I talk all the way to work and all the way home to family. I have to tell them about my day and then it pisses me off when it goes dead and I'm in the middle of a story. I hope the blue tooth works like it should but yesterday after I charged it while I was talking it was making this crackling sound so I don't know if that is just where I was talking that caused it but if it continues I'll take it back and buy the more expensive one. This one was $80 so it wasn't a cheap one. I'm watching dance your ass off and I have never seen it before and it is great. People are crazy on it. Eating was ok yesterday, went to PF Changs and it was good but I was hungry about 3 hours later so I had some cheese from the Whole Food's sample trays. That lasted me another couple of hours and then I had 2 pieces of pizza and 6 wings which were wonderful. So I can't take anymore days off because I eat like a pig. It was like I could have eaten anything last night, just like before I had surgery. Some days a cup of food fills me up for 6 hours and sometimes I can eat a bunch of food and am hungry in a couple of hours, It doesn't make sense. My mother is about 5 or 6 weeks out from having the sleeve done in Mexico and she is down 22 lbs so it is working for her. Just wish I could get over this hump and continue losing my weight. well this is my story for today. Have a good one.
khunt719

khunt719

1
 

Another disappointment

Well I did see 224.5 once about a week ago and that was the last time I saw it. Since then I have gone back up to 227. Maybe it is water weight? I am so tired of this game with the scale. It is like a never ending battle. I have to go for my fill tomorrow and probably haven't lost any weight this last month but I will go with my head held high. I'm just going to eat some watermelon, protein shakes, and a laxative hoping that will take a lb off before tomorrow. I took a day off so that gives me a 3 day weekend which is nice because I can get what I need to get done like laundry and cleaning. So the husband found a job with a CPA firm so he is at work. I'll just enjoy the day off by myself nothing to do because friends are at work. Using the body bugg has definately helped me to see how many calories I have burned and how many calories I take in. I knew about how many I took in but never knew how many I burned throughout the day and with the help of this little machine there is no guessing to do. It really makes you think about having that last bite or doing one more minute on the elliptical. Is it really worth it? and then you see the numbers and know it was totally worth it. I better go get cleaned up and ready for the day. I'll take the dogs for a walk and then just watch a few things on DVR before hitting the stores. I love my life today and I feel so lucky to be on this journey. :rolleyes2:
khunt719

khunt719

1
 

A little more about my life

I believe because of my weight and the imbalance of chemicals in my brain the doctor's diagnosed me as being bi-polar. They have me on every kind of mood stabalizer and anti-depressant out there. I think I have tried everything. I'm hoping my self-esteem goes up as my weight goes down. I've tried suicide 3 times, failed at those attempts which I am glad about now. My grandmother who I was very close to was bi-polar and I seemed to have gotten all her traits. She passed away 5 years ago and I miss her still to this day. I was there when she took her last breath, holding her hand. I'll never forget that day. What kind of memories are in my head? it seems like all the bad ones, but when I remember my grandmother they are nothing but good ones. My mother is my confidant in all this because she had the band before I did. She went to Mexico and had it done, it slipped and she almost died. The surgeon had to perform emergency surgery and she got better. While she got better she gained 50 lbs in a year. So she decided to go back to Mexico and get the sleeve done. She has lost 22 lbs the first month since being back and is doing great. She is diabetic and fights her sugar levels everyday. She never knows how her body is going to react to what foods. I have a brother that I rarely talk to and he lives in AZ. I have a father that is very close to me and lives about 45 minutes away in another town and we see each other once every 2-3 months. He is a compulsive gambler and is happy with how is life is. He doesn't date, has a few friends, and works for the state prison. He is almost ready to retire. I have 2 dogs, a pekingnese name Kiko, she is a rescue dog and is 10 years old so she is getting up there. I have a chihuahua Gabby that is 1 1/2 years old. Gab is my husbands favorite and Kiko is my favorite. I had Kiko before I met my husband and we have been through alot together. Well that is a start and I'll fill you in more tomorrow. Stay tuned.
khunt719

khunt719

0
 

225.5

Yep that is what I weighed in at this morning. I know I told you I wasn't going to weigh in until Tuesday but I was so excited, I had to do it today. I ate so good yesterday and I knew food wouldn't be an issue for me since all I had was a cup of olives, 7 hot wings, and 2 crackers with spread ( it was so good). I can't believe I am under 226. It has taken me a month to get under 226. I am so happy. I just know this month I will be able to get under 220 by the time I go to the doctor for my next fill on July 13th. Ha ha I know I can do it. I am taking a piece of eggplant parm for lunch and I'll have s/f oatmeal for breakfast. I'm going to try and have something to eat for breakfast instead of just a protein shake hoping that will make a difference. We also went swimming at the gym yesterday and I swam for 40 min so that helped. We are going to go tonight. I'll come home from work and walk the dogs and then go swim. It is nice because it gives me a chance to relax and take time to let everything go from the day. I really can't wait to go to work today. I just want this week to be over fast and hopefully we will be slow. Today is the end of the sales goals period and then tomorrow we start another month and new goals. I hit all mine this period so I'm not worried about getting a write up or a coaching so that takes a load off my mind. My husband is just wonderful, we spent yesterday together and did some shopping, went by the bank, got gas, and then to the gym. To end the day we went to Sonic where I got a diet cherry limeaid...my favorite. It keeps me so full and takes me a while to drink it. Oh and we also went by the book store to get Shrink Yourself about emotional eating and it has some good information in it. Like being powerless when it comes to eating and that is why we can't say no. It is something that I will finish and tell you about. Hoping that it will help me not gorge my self at night. That is the worse time for me. I have to cook some Chicken Pot Pie on my Cafe World in 10 minutes. I love Cafe World and I like the way my cafe looks. At first I had everything in pink and then change to the pyramid theme. It gives me something to do in the mornings. Instead of eating I sit here and listen to Sirius and do my cafe and write on here. Next month I have to start looking for shows to go see in Vegas. I want to go to a topless show because I have never been to one but my husband doesn't want to go. He says he has seen enough boobs in his life so he doesn't need to spend money seeing more. I can appreciate that but I have never been to one so I wanted to go so maybe I will go alone. I don't know what it is about seeing medically enhanced boobs but I just have never been to a show where there is dancing and singing with the fancy costumes before. Maybe he will come around. If not I love him for not wanting to go. It probably will just make me feel inadequate. I do want to get a boob job after I lose the weight because I had a breast reduction in 1999 and went from a DD to a large B and now they are C's. I want to go back to having perky tits like when I was 14. I have never had perky tits since then because they grew too big too fast and just hung down. I can remember how big they got when I had my daughter, boy they were big. And then they went back to being DD's. Robert says mine are perky now but I want them to be full and stand out but he says mine are perfect. I'm trying to grow my hair long because I have never had really long hair, just to my shoulders and I want to be able to pull it into a ponytail for vacation since it will be hot out there. I have 10 weeks to lose 25 lbs. It is doable but will take extra hard attention to my eating and exercise routine to get enough calories burned to lose the weight. That's 2.5 lbs a week. It will be hard but I know I can atleast lose 15 lbs if anything. I want to get to 223 by next Monday so I will work hard to reach this goal. I don't think it is out of my reach so I know I can do it. I'll keep you updated on my progress. Take care and have a good day.
khunt719

khunt719

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