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I'm such a failure

I haven't blogged in what seems to be forever so here it goes...It seems like no matter what I do the weight just doesn't come off. I have been stuck between 224 and 227 for a month now. I have been working crazy hours so exercising hasn't been high on the list of things to do. I am on my feet at work and do 2-15 min walks a day but that doesn't seem to be helping either. I do well during the day but at night is when I am at my worst. It's like nothing will fill me up or satisfy me. Last night I had a ham sandwich on 45 calorie bread, a bowl of lucky charms (which tasted fabulous but didn't meet the nutrition standards), and some white cheddar popcorn. It's like nothing I had would fill me up. The sandwich should have been enough but I didn't stop. I sat there and thought about the cereal until I had to have it. It's like the demons inside of my head tell me to eat and I break down and eat it. It's a vicious cycle that I haven't learned to break. It's just the nights, I started to crochet to take my mind off food and that seems to help most nights but lately it has been a battle and I don't know how to make it stop. I go for another fill in 2 Tuesdays and haven't lost anything in a month so I know the doctor is going to ask what is going on and what am I supposed to say? I wanted to lose 30 lbs 3 months ago and haven't met that goal. I'm still 24 lbs away from that. The weight just isn't coming off. My mother had the lap band done and then had the sleeve done later after they took out the band and she loses without any exercise. Why couldn't I be that lucky? I think I'll go on a 5 day liquid diet this coming week starting Monday and see how I do with that. Even if I lost 3 lbs that would be ok with me. I would have something to talk about when I go to the doctor's. I was taking Phentermine and it wasn't really suppressing my appetite so I switched to Adderall to help with my overeating and ocd. I can't imagine how much I would eat if I weren't on it. Life is just throwing me a ringer and I don't know how to get past it but to starve myself. My calories have been good and I'm burning more than I am taking in on most days so why am I not losing. It seems whenever I overeat I gain 4 lbs overnight and then it takes the whole week to lose it. Could it be water weight? Should I ask for a dieretic? I am totally lost on this one. I don't know what I should do. Maybe the liquid diet will give some results so I'll try it for a week and see where it gets me. Thanks for listening and if you have any advice, feel free to give it. Good luck on your journey.
khunt719

khunt719

4
 

Another disappointment

Well I did see 224.5 once about a week ago and that was the last time I saw it. Since then I have gone back up to 227. Maybe it is water weight? I am so tired of this game with the scale. It is like a never ending battle. I have to go for my fill tomorrow and probably haven't lost any weight this last month but I will go with my head held high. I'm just going to eat some watermelon, protein shakes, and a laxative hoping that will take a lb off before tomorrow. I took a day off so that gives me a 3 day weekend which is nice because I can get what I need to get done like laundry and cleaning. So the husband found a job with a CPA firm so he is at work. I'll just enjoy the day off by myself nothing to do because friends are at work. Using the body bugg has definately helped me to see how many calories I have burned and how many calories I take in. I knew about how many I took in but never knew how many I burned throughout the day and with the help of this little machine there is no guessing to do. It really makes you think about having that last bite or doing one more minute on the elliptical. Is it really worth it? and then you see the numbers and know it was totally worth it. I better go get cleaned up and ready for the day. I'll take the dogs for a walk and then just watch a few things on DVR before hitting the stores. I love my life today and I feel so lucky to be on this journey. :rolleyes2:
khunt719

khunt719

1
 

The demons inside of me

Last night was a bad night to be fighting the demons, I call them demons because they go inside my head and tell me things like I'm not good enough or I'm not losing enough. It is a constant battle with them. Whenever I become positive about the surgery, they seem to come from out of nowhere and start with me. It is a tug-a-war between me feeling good about myself and me feeling depressed, I can't seem to get past this no matter how much weight I lose. It just isn't coming off fast enough. It's like I want to lose it over night but I know that won't happen. I look in the mirror and get so sick of what I see...the big belly, the rolls, the saggy skin. How could anyone love me like this? Good thing we have clothes to cover our bodies up. I don't know how to get rid of the demons, I used to cut myself to relieve the pain I felt inside but with the help of medication I don't have that urge anymore. I just need to find a way to keep them from coming back. My head hurts and I feel overwhelmed with emotions when this happens. If any one else feels this way, let me know what works for you.
khunt719

khunt719

2
 

I finally got below 225.

I never thought for a second that when I stepped onto the scale this morning I would final be below 225. I have been fighting this for a month now and after gaining and losing the same 3 lbs I finally got to 224.5. What a relief. I upped my exercise and I've been watching what I have been eating and finally got to it. Now I just need to get to 223 by next Tuesday since that is the day I go for my next fill. I will be at 9cc in a 10 cc band. My restriction has been good but I want more. I want between 5-6 hours before I am feeling hungry again. What a sense of accomplishment for me. I am so excited. Now maybe my plateau is over and I can start losing again. What a rush.
khunt719

khunt719

3
 

I got my body bugg

Well I ordered the body bugg and it seems to be very disappointing with the results. I would think that I was burning calories throughout the day but it is frustrating to see just how little you burn. I only hope I can get more exercise in and lose some more weight. I weigh in tomorrow and have 11 days until I go for another fill. Work is going good and home life hasn't been very stressful. So eating hasn't been a challenge for me. Well that is all I can say for right now. If anyone has any advice on how to benefit the most from the body bugg let me know.
khunt719

khunt719

1
 

Had a good night

Every night is like a battle for me to not eat everything in site. Last night I had a good night. I had a 4 oz piece of fish and a few nuts. That was good for me. So yesterday my eating looked like this. I had protein shake for breakfast, protein bar for break, a cup and a half of roasted squash for lunch, and then the fish and nuts for dinner. So not a bad day. I didn't get on the scale because I am waiting until Tuesday to do that. I didn't go swim last night, got off work and have a terrible case of allergies or a head cold can't decide which. I'm still sick this morning. My nose is red and hurts from blowing and my head is hurting. I woke up at 2:00 with a headache and couldn't go back to sleep. My eyes are so tired but my nose tickles and runs and my head just won't stop aching. I don't feel like I have a fever but am very warm sitting here so maybe it is a cold. Hopefully whatever it is I get over it soon. I don't feel like eating anything so I'll just stick with my protein shake for breakfast and then see how I feel at breaktime. I am taking cottage cheese with a few pieces of pineapple in it for lunch today. I'm going to go sit in the hot tub tonight when I get off. I have to run to walmart and refill some prescriptions and then I should be able to go to the gym and relax. I just might swim to cool off if I am still hot. No problems with the band except I am really tight in the morning and taking my pills to work helps because I can take them later in the day, they don't seem to come choking up that way. We are going to PF Chang's tomorrow so I am excited to see what I want to eat. They have such good food. My mom got a nutritional print out for the restaurant so I'll be looking over it. My mother seems to be doing good since getting the sleeve done. She lost 22 lbs the first month and is still losing, she is down to 150 now, boy what I would do to be 150 lbs. I can't ever see that far down the road. I'm just struggling to get to 220. I can't wait to say I've lost 50 lbs so far. It will be so nice. Well that is all I have to say for today. Take care and good luck in your journey.
khunt719

khunt719

1
 

Lost 2 1/2 lbs

I watched what I ate yesterday and I'm down 2 1/2 lbs. 227 this morning. I ate pretty good yesterday and tried to watch my calorie intake. Protein shake for breakfast, cottage cheese for lunch, a piece of salmon and a cup of nuts for dinner. So that wasn't too bad. I probably could have gotten away without having the nuts but I wasn't satisfied with the fish. My husband had a bad day yesterday so we didn't get to the gym but we did walk the dogs twice so that helped. I'm taking 4-5 stool softners a day since I have a hard time going to the bathroom without them and don't know what else to do to remedy it. I think I'll just stick to protein drinks for breakfast, a piece of fish for lunch, and one for dinner that should keep my calories down for the day. That is if I can do it. This is a total mind game and I feel like I am losing most of the time. It is a battle to say no to food, even being 9 months out it is hard to say no to food. I eat smaller amounts most of the time but there are those days when food is my best friend and I just can't say no to it. My anxiety has slowed down to where I don't have to know where each meal is coming from or what it will be. I just wish I would have found this website earlier like right after I had the surgery because then I would have known what to eat and how much to eat. That was my big problem...how much to eat. It was like I was stuffing myself every time we would go out and now we take most of my meal home with us for Robert to have later that evening or the next day for lunch. Well that is what I have to say for today. Hope everyone has a good day. Only 2 more lbs before I hit 225, can't wait.
khunt719

khunt719

0
 

I'm so sick of myself

Nighttime is the worst time for me and last night was no surprise. I just couldn't stop eating, it's like no matter what I ate it wouldn't fill me up. I was still hungry. It felt physically that I just couldn't get full. I just kept eating stuff and nothing would do it. Then finally I hit my breaking point and was so stuffed I could hardly stand it. I say I will never do that again but usually that thinking lasts until the next time. I wish I would never do it again. I have been fighting for a month to get under 225 and haven't done it yet. Now I get on the scale and it says 229.5. I can't believe how fast I gain weight. I did 5 min on the elliptical and took the dogs for 2 walks but I guess that wasn't enough. Maybe just enough to keep me from gaining another pound. I'm so sick of myself for doing this. It is like a continuous fight inside of my head that won't stop. A battle of wills. I say stop eating but my mouth won't stop, it just is on a path of destruction. I need some advice or tips on how to stop this. I am reading about emotional eating and that isn't helping yet because I just started the book. I get very bored at night and I know that is what is causing this but I don't know how to stop it. I keep telling myself I will go to the gym but by the time I get home from work I am pooped from the day and don't want to leave the house again. I feel bad when I don't come straight home and see the dogs and take them for their walk. Maybe I just need to take them for their walk and then go to the gym. I have to push myself to go or I'm not going to lose any weight. I have to get back on track. I'm so happy for the people on here that are losing at a good pace, I wish I was one of them. So tonight I vow to hit the gym before going to bed. I'll write tomorrow and let you know how this works but if anyone has any suggestions on how to stop the night binges I would love to hear them.
khunt719

khunt719

3
 

This frickin' scale

Ok Ok I know I wasn't going to weigh myself everyday but I did weigh in today and from yesterday to today I've gained 2 1/2 lbs. How is this possible? It is so frustrating because I know I ate yesterday and that is the reason but I was hungry. It is like I can't eat anything without gaining weight. I didn't go swim like I thought I would because I was tired when I got home. I just have to pull myself to the gym everyday in order for me to lose. I did take the dogs for their walk and that helped but it wasn't long enough, just 15 minutes. I bought the bodybugg from 24 hour fitness and I am excited for it to get here. It comes with a free 6 month subscription so that helps. I'm going to give it a try and if it doesn't help I will just sell it. I did have a diet cherry coke yesterday from Sonic for the first time since surgery. I let the bubbles work their way out of it and then drank it. It tasted good at first but then it went to being warm and I threw it away. I just can't get over how the scale just takes the wind out of your sail. It is just too much for me. It is like I am addicted to it and can't get away from it for one day. I'll just buckle down and have my protein for breakfast and then pickles for break and hot wings for lunch. The wings aren't breaded so they can't be too bad for you. Then I'll have protein shake for dinner. That should get the weight off by tomorrow. So frustrating. I don't know if any of you have this problem. I have to keep on track every day all day in order for me to lose the weight. I just can't listen to my stomach, I have to listen to my head. My stomach sometimes get so empty it feels like I am going to starve to death if I don't eat something. Well that is my day so far. What a way to start it.
khunt719

khunt719

1
 

225.5

Yep that is what I weighed in at this morning. I know I told you I wasn't going to weigh in until Tuesday but I was so excited, I had to do it today. I ate so good yesterday and I knew food wouldn't be an issue for me since all I had was a cup of olives, 7 hot wings, and 2 crackers with spread ( it was so good). I can't believe I am under 226. It has taken me a month to get under 226. I am so happy. I just know this month I will be able to get under 220 by the time I go to the doctor for my next fill on July 13th. Ha ha I know I can do it. I am taking a piece of eggplant parm for lunch and I'll have s/f oatmeal for breakfast. I'm going to try and have something to eat for breakfast instead of just a protein shake hoping that will make a difference. We also went swimming at the gym yesterday and I swam for 40 min so that helped. We are going to go tonight. I'll come home from work and walk the dogs and then go swim. It is nice because it gives me a chance to relax and take time to let everything go from the day. I really can't wait to go to work today. I just want this week to be over fast and hopefully we will be slow. Today is the end of the sales goals period and then tomorrow we start another month and new goals. I hit all mine this period so I'm not worried about getting a write up or a coaching so that takes a load off my mind. My husband is just wonderful, we spent yesterday together and did some shopping, went by the bank, got gas, and then to the gym. To end the day we went to Sonic where I got a diet cherry limeaid...my favorite. It keeps me so full and takes me a while to drink it. Oh and we also went by the book store to get Shrink Yourself about emotional eating and it has some good information in it. Like being powerless when it comes to eating and that is why we can't say no. It is something that I will finish and tell you about. Hoping that it will help me not gorge my self at night. That is the worse time for me. I have to cook some Chicken Pot Pie on my Cafe World in 10 minutes. I love Cafe World and I like the way my cafe looks. At first I had everything in pink and then change to the pyramid theme. It gives me something to do in the mornings. Instead of eating I sit here and listen to Sirius and do my cafe and write on here. Next month I have to start looking for shows to go see in Vegas. I want to go to a topless show because I have never been to one but my husband doesn't want to go. He says he has seen enough boobs in his life so he doesn't need to spend money seeing more. I can appreciate that but I have never been to one so I wanted to go so maybe I will go alone. I don't know what it is about seeing medically enhanced boobs but I just have never been to a show where there is dancing and singing with the fancy costumes before. Maybe he will come around. If not I love him for not wanting to go. It probably will just make me feel inadequate. I do want to get a boob job after I lose the weight because I had a breast reduction in 1999 and went from a DD to a large B and now they are C's. I want to go back to having perky tits like when I was 14. I have never had perky tits since then because they grew too big too fast and just hung down. I can remember how big they got when I had my daughter, boy they were big. And then they went back to being DD's. Robert says mine are perky now but I want them to be full and stand out but he says mine are perfect. I'm trying to grow my hair long because I have never had really long hair, just to my shoulders and I want to be able to pull it into a ponytail for vacation since it will be hot out there. I have 10 weeks to lose 25 lbs. It is doable but will take extra hard attention to my eating and exercise routine to get enough calories burned to lose the weight. That's 2.5 lbs a week. It will be hard but I know I can atleast lose 15 lbs if anything. I want to get to 223 by next Monday so I will work hard to reach this goal. I don't think it is out of my reach so I know I can do it. I'll keep you updated on my progress. Take care and have a good day.
khunt719

khunt719

0
 

Yesterday

Well I didn't blog yesterday because I had to be at work so early and Robert got up with me and I have to spend time with him so it is hard to have him awake and be sitting at the computer. I feel guilty. I try to blog at work but I can't always because people are always looking over your shoulder to see what you are doing and since they don't know that I have had surgery, that isn't a good idea. Wish people would mind their own business. Work was so easy yesterday for being a Saturday, no one came in. I got 2 sales out of it but those were the only sales that came in. I was glad to get them. My eating was good, I had an avocado for breakfast, a cup and a half of chili for lunch. We went to Red Robin's for dinner and I got one of their new burgers and took about 5 small bites out of it and ate 4 french fries. The bun was so big that I didn't want to risk getting stuck. That was at 5:00 so about 8:00 I had another avocado and a handful of nuts. So that wasn't bad eating. I did weigh this morning to see where I was at and I weighed in at 227 so I am glad I haven't gained anything more than 1 lb. We are going to the book store today and I am going to buy Shrink Yourself. I read about it in the forum's and want to see what it is about. Robert finished his quickbooks certification so he is happy about that. Hasn't gotten any calls back from any CPA firms but he still holds out hope of getting his business off the ground or working with someone else. He is so smart that it would be a shame to let all his education go to waste. I want to get back to 226 by Tuesday so we are going to the gym today and tomorrow night after work. I just have to lose some weight before I go for my next fill. I think it is the hardest to go to the gym at night so by me getting up so early I might start going in the morning but I heard that the lanes get busy early so I would have to go about 5:00 and since that is the time I wake up it shouldn't be a big deal. I'm on my 5th cup of coffee and it tastes so good this morning. I love coffee. I'm pretty bored right now since Robert is sleeping and I have nothing to do on Cafe World and Farmville. They are all taken care of. I have to make an appt with the doctor to see if any of my medications come in a liquid form since I am having a hard time swallowing them. They aren't very big but they try and come up every morning. Maybe I should wait until later in the day to take them. My nighttime pills go down fine. We stayed up until about 10:30 last night and that was like staying up forever for me since I am usually asleep by 8:00. I slept until 6:00 so that was good. I guess I have gotten all the sleep that I needed to. My mother had the salmon burger wrapped in lettuce and she gave me the leftover's to bring home. I don't know if I will eat it because I've never had salmon wrapped in lettuce before and it didn't look that good. I feel like I am all over the place on today's blog but there is so much inside my head that I have to get out and it just comes to me at certain times. My friend Kim from work is leaving her husband after 15 years. She has applied for an appt and she got rid of 2 of her dogs and still has to get rid of the long-haired chihuahua. Harley doesn't like being around strangers so it will be hard for him to get adopted. The corgi and st. bernard went fast. She had just put them up for adoption yesterday at work. She is having a hard time with everything but I think she will be okay for the most part. She is just tired of being ignored. She is a cute girl and has one daughter that is 10 years old so she will have Samantha there with her. She says her husband doesn't pay any attention to her and he just plays his playstation and talks to his friend on the phone. He sleeps in the recliner so he is never in the bed unless he wants sex. Just not a good place to be in. I feel for her. She came to work crying the other day because she touched him and he got mad at her for waking him up. She cried and cried and couldn't stop crying. It was awful. So she went home. Yesterday at work all she was doing was texting on her phone to people because her husband wouldn't talk to her about the situation. She was driving me crazy because people would come in and wait in line and she was in the backroom texting. Good thing we weren't busy. I don't have alot planned for today since Robert is a dad to the dogs and has no kids we don't really have anything to celebrate. He will call his dad later today and wish him a happy father's day. I'm glad he doesn't have children because they are hard sometimes and I don't think I would be a good step-mother since I don't have a lot of patience. I am glad my daughter is grown and gone because she drives me crazy just being where she is and living the life that she does. It isn't the life I would lead but she is happy. She has been looking for a job but hasn't found one. He is working finally and she stays home. Their tv is going out so I am going to send some money for them to get another one. She is my girl and I try to take care of her by sending her packages and money when I can. I just went over the itenerary for our trip to Vegas in Aug, I can't wait. My mother bought us tickets to see Phantom of the Opera there at the Venetian so that should be nice. She doesn't know where the seats are but it should be fun anyways. Well that is all that I have to say for today. Hope you have a good one.
khunt719

khunt719

0
 

I haven't weighed myself

I have come to the conclusion that weighing myself everyday isn't a good idea because my weight fluctuates throughout the day. So I'm going to weigh every Tuesday until I go for my next fill. I am hoping to lose 5 lbs this month and that is my goal so hopefully I can achieve it. I made some chili this morning for me to take for lunch today since I had nothing else and it stays with me for a long time. It smells rather good and I can't wait to taste it, maybe I will have some for breakfast. I was so hungry yesterday at lunch. The company bought us lunch from Honeybaked Ham and I had a turkey sandwich that was fabulous. I was worried about the bread but it didn't bother me and it stayed with me until I got home and had dinner. I had leftover PF Changs for dinner and it was so good. I love their food if you haven't noticed. I think I will start to walk on my lunch and/or break to get that extra exercise in. It has been hot here but 15 min won't be so bad. Exercise is what I need most and it seems like I don't get enough of it. I want to go swimming after work but it is so hard for me to get off and then come home and go back out. I would meet my husband at the gym after work without coming home but it is early and people are there and then you don't have a lane to swim in, you have to wait for them to get done. I am on my 6th cup of coffee and I think the caffeine is bothering my stomach because it is starting to ache. I had a hard time taking my pills this morning and I am going to ask the doctor about getting them in a liquid form. I don't think I can stop taking them because they are the mood stabalizers and anti-depressants but maybe I can go off one or two of them. They have worked so well together I hate to try something new. I wasn't myself yesterday, very down in the dumps. I don't know why, maybe it was because my friend wasn't there or because it was slow and I had nothing to do. When we are slow I go on here and read the threads because that helps keep me busy. I ordered some more protein from BE and hopefully it will get here soon. My mother is almost out of hers so I have to run some of mine out to her this weekend. I tried the melon and I am not crazy about it so I'll give it to her. She likes melons so she should like this one. The peanut butter is really good, it is thick and tastes like real peanut butter is in it. My scalp is starting to tingle so I have definately gotten my caffeine for the day. I need to slow down on it but coffee is so good. I think I will try the decaf kind. Robert doesn't drink the decaf so I would get the ready to mix instant kind. Well that is about all I have to say for today. Good luck losing.
khunt719

khunt719

1
 

Panic Attack

Yesterday I had a panic attack and had to leave work. It was the second time in 3 years that I had to leave work early because I was sick so that was no big deal. But as I was sitting doing drops, I just got to thinking about how stressed out Robert has been about not having a job and my back started hurting, then my head and then my blood started racing inside me and all these thoughts came over me and I just had to leave. I cried all the way home. I got home took a Percocet and a Xanax and settled down. Then Robert and I ran a few errands. It didn't take me long to get back to normal and it was nice spending time with him. We went and looked at a Nissan Altima and I test drove one...not the one I wanted but a 4 cylinder, I want a V6. And it drove nice so now I want one. Robert says I have to wait the 3 years until mine is paid off so I am going to put whatever extra money towards my car payment and get it paid off fast. I just need to pay off the credit card but that won't take long after we get back from vacation so I am happy about that. I just need to make some more money and get my car paid off now. I love the look of the Altima and I'm sure the V6 is faster that the 4 cylinder. I can't believe they didn't have any V6's on the lot to test drive. Stupid if you ask me because that is what I wanted to test drive. He wouldn't let me get on the interstate and that is where I do most of my driving so it wasn't a great experience to begin with. I might just end up going to Denver and looking there. My husband is doing good, he is still looking for a job and hopefully can get one before tax season but I know he will definately get one for tax season because of his CPA license. My eating was out of control again last night but I didn't eat anything bad for me just a lot of food. I ate a big thing of watermelon and it has a lot of sugar in it but it works down to about nothing when you eat it. It tasted so good. Then I had some nuts. I had a cup of mashed potatoes for dinner. It was good. We went to PF Chang's for lunch and I had 2 ribs, some soup, and 2 dumplings. That filled me up so that was good. Well I have to get in the shower now so have a good day and good luck losing.
khunt719

khunt719

0
 

I did my best

I'm at 227 this morning so I have to be proud that I lost 9 of those 10 lbs I gained. It isn't the fact that I have to weigh in today for my fill but it is the fact that I have gained 1 lb since my last fill. Doc isn't going to know what to do with me. I'll just ask for another fill and tell him I had a 4 day eating binge and gained the 10 lbs and lost 9 of those and hopefully he will be happy with that. I think I will wait until right before vacation before going back to him for another fill if I need one or just keep the band the same for a year. They say the saline goes away over time so I would have to go back in for a check up. I took 2 laxatives yesterday hoping they would help get the pound off and they haven't even worked yet so I don't know what the problem is, now I am stuffed up and can't poop. I know eating less makes you poop less but I read where you can take a laxative and lose some excess water weight so that is what I did and nothing. I even fail at that. Robert made the coffee this morning and it tastes so good, I love my coffee. I'll have to do liquids for 2 days and I am already dreading it. I slept good last night until 6:30 this morning so that was sleeping in for me. Last night, we had steak and vegetables on the grill. I had about 3 oz's of steak and a few peppers and onion. They were good and the steak didn't bother me so I guess I chewed it good enough to go down ok. I get up in the morning and that gives me time to do my facebook, I am addicted to Cafe World. It is so much fun. My friends from work do it too. So this month I am going to try very hard to follow the rules, I don't have anything special planned other than 4th of July but we don't do anything for it. I do have that Monday off so that is nice. Then I took the Monday after that off so I would get a 4 day weekend. I just really have to focus on my eating and drinking protein. I have done good these past 2 weeks. I lost the 9 lbs in the 2 weeks so that is something to be proud of. I am just fixated on what the scale says. My clothes fit the same but I know once I get to 200 lbs all my clothes should be fitting me and I can finally give the big clothes away to goodwill or a church somewhere. I can also call the domestic violence center and see if they need some for the safe house. I know women there could always use the clothes to look for a job or to just wear since most of them just come with little or no extra clothing. My heart is in the right place. I feel like I am just jumping all over the place with this entry, it's like my head is thinking of so many things. My books about eating are interesting, they start out slow but hopefully they will get into it soon or I am going to lose interest. One deals with self-image, weight and food addictions...that is what I need since I weigh myself 2-3 times a day and you know how it is to be addicted to food. It's like there is nothing else you can think about but food. It swallows you up. I think about it morning, noon, and night, I get anxious if I don't know where the next meal is coming from or what it is. Yesterday was a good day because I had protein shakes for breakfast and first break, naked ribs for lunch, and the steak kabob for dinner. So my day was planned out so I felt good about that. Today we are supposed to go to breakfast where I order scrambled eggs and sausage. Then I'll be on protein for the rest of the day so I don't feel like I have to plan anything for today and tomorrow will be just liquids so I have some soup and protein drinks for that. It's just the next 2 days after tomorrow that I will worry about what to eat and I don't know why because I'll only be able to eat soft foods so my choices are limited. I'll probably have cottage cheese for lunch, applesauce for breakfast, and then cottage cheese for dinner. I usually put a few pieces of pineapple in with the cottage cheese to give it a little bit of flavor, I also know that some people put in pepper or hot sauce to dress it up a bit. It is pretty boring just eating it like it is. I don't know what else to eat that is soft other than mashed potatoes but it has alot of carbs so that is out. Do you have any ideas? What do you eat after you get a fill, I would really like to know because it can get so boring eating the same thing for 2 days especially when it isn't even good foods. I know I go on binges where I'll eat the same food for 2 weeks and not get tired of it but cottage cheese isn't one of them. I love my beef hot dogs...weird I know but they taste so good with a little bit a ketchup. I also love chili. Cowboy chili with kidney beans in it. I can eat about a cup of it and feel just satisfied enough that it lasts me until the next meal before I get hungry again. I could eat it for breakfast it is so good. Gross but it is good. I have been craving watermelon too. I know it is full of natural sugars so I haven't been eating alot of it. I did have some during the 4 days I was off and it was good, not too sweet just right for what I was looking for. I never really got into blogging before but reading about other people's lives is pretty interesting. It is nice to read what I am going through someone else out there is going through the same thing or has the same issue or problem that I have. And it lets me get alot off my mind. My head sometimes gets so congested with things that it feels so full and won't allow for one more thing to enter it. I'm on medication for it but it still happens. I am going to make an appt with my family doctor to see if there is some of the medication I can go off of because I take so many and they are starting not to go down very easily. I want to puke them back up and fight them to go down. My family doctor is pretty good and she gives me what I ask for so that helps since I don't have to fight her for the prescription. I know she would never let me take a mixture that would harm me but I am on so many anti-depressants and mood stabilizers, there has to be a way to just take a few of them and be able to function in society. My friend at work is having her breasts reduced. I gave her the idea since she is a "G" and I had it done years ago. It was one of the better surgeries that I have had. It sure makes a difference with how you feel and no matter how much weight I would lose it never would come off my chest. I stayed a "DD" ever since high school. And when they hang down and go south it is time for someone to do something with them. They would hang down to my belly button and they were always in the way. It's not pretty waking up with a boob across your neck or tucked under your arm. I can just imagine how good she will feel once she has it done. It took the insurance 1 week to approve her and she is set for surgery on the 7th of July so it went pretty quickly. I took a week off of work and then was on light duty. I did alot of paperwork and couldn't be around inmates or arrestees until the stitches dissolved. She is taking 6 weeks off so she should be recoved by then. I would hope. She is going to look so good. I think she is about 55 years old and just having the weight lifted off her back and shoulders will be nice. Well that is enough of my rambling for today. Hope the best for all you losers out there and good luck losing the weight.
khunt719

khunt719

0
 

Shiiiitttttttt!!!!

I once again wrote a frickin' book and can't find it now. I don't know where on this website it goes but Robert came in so I showed him what blogging was like and now I can't find the blog I was writing in the first place, it is probably a good thing because I just went on and on about how much I love him and how much we are in love and crap like that. I also told you about how I gained the 2 lbs that I had lost putting me back at 228 instead of 226 where I need to be before tomorrow's weigh in and fill. Not good but that is the way it is. I'll do my exercising today and watch what I eat. I have northern style ribs from PF Changs for lunch and will have my protein shake for breakfast. Depending on how that lasts me I'll have a protein bar for break. The shake sometimes lasts me and then other times I am so hungry I can't stand it. I should have an easy day today at work and then I'm off tomorrow. I want to go look at a Nissan Altima...that is the car of my dreams, I'm not sorry I bought a new Subaru but the Altima is what I wanted and should have gotten but I thought it was too expensive for me. I am throwing around the idea that maybe I just need to get a grip on having a slow car and putting tint on the windows and I already have the Sirius system in it and everything I could ask for like power windows and A/C. This is the first brand new car I have ever had. The ones I have had in the past are either hand me downs or given to me by a boyfriend. I guess getting a Porsche and Corvette weren't too bad of gifts. But I gave them back when we broke up so I miss the Porsche, the Corvette had too long of nose for me and I didn't like driving it too much. But it got me alot of attention and was fun. Now I have a Subaru Impreza, it was something that was practical and had what I needed and I have since put in a $700 Sirius system and want an amplifier now. So that should cost me another $500 with the new speakers and getting it installed but it will be so worth it when it is done. I want to get the windows tinted on it next so I think after we get back from vacation and I renew my plates I will have that done. My husband keeps every business card that has been handed to him and a tinting company that he used is one of them so that is who I will call. I also want to get my credit card paid off. I went on a shopping binge and spent $600 on Mac make up. An easy thing to do but since then I have expanded my collection to include Urban Decay, Sephora, and Lancome. All that I love just wish I could change make up 2-3 times a day depending on what mood I was in. I think every woman needs to have a big collection of make up to help make her feel pretty. Some women are just beautiful without the use of make up, I on the other hand am not one of these women. I have to have at least eye make up and lipstick to feel complete in the morning. That is how I end getting ready for my day is by putting on my make up before I do my hair. It really gives me the extra boost in self-esteem that I need. My husband turned our loft area into my make up station. I have a big desk, with lighted mirror, and computer chair to roll around in while doing my daily ritual. It's like being a little girl playing dress up. My husband had a hard time sleeping the night before and that keeps me awake because if I wake up and he is not in bed I can't sleep so it was good that I was off yesterday. Made for a long day getting up at 3:30 a.m. and getting him to come back to bed. I did make it to the gym and swam until someone asked if they could swim in my lane once I was done...that made me feel like I had to hurry. Well it is 8:00 a.m. and that means time to getting for my day at work. I will be back tomorrow morning to tell you about how my day was and what else is on my mind. Happy losing
khunt719

khunt719

0
 

feeling better

After feeling so down on myself, I am better. Husband and I went to lunch with my mother and her boyfriend. Ate too much so I was full for the rest of the night. Not bad to eat only once a day. I did have a handfull of nuts before bed and I'm still full so that is good. I'm going to fix a couple of eggs for breakfast today and tomorrow and see if that keeps me satisfied until lunch. I bought some cottage cheese to take for lunch Thursday and Friday since I can only have liquids after my fill Tuesday and Wednesday. That is what the doctor says is 2 days liquids, 2 days mushy, and then back to normal just smaller portions. I can do this. It's been a challenge for me in the past but I can do it this time. I got 2 new books on compulsive eating and weight issues so I'm looking forward to reading them. I just finished the 2 lap band books I was reading. Life After the lap band was a good book and had alot of information. The information is what I needed before I began this journey, it would have told me not to drink milk shakes and eat hamburgers and expect to lose the weight. I was just thinking I can only eat in small amounts so I can't gain weight if I don't eat like I used too. There were times when I could eat what I wanted and how much I wanted I gained weight in fact with the band. I know the doctor was getting tired of it, he must have been. Then I got my act together and have been losing except for my binge when I had the 4 days off. You never get a day off with the band, it is like you have to be spot on or you will gain weight and that is the last thing I want to do right now. I know I'll gain weight while being on vacation because the strawberry dacquiri's just call my name in Vegas. They have the tall one's with the long straw and they are so good. My husband and I share them so that isn't so bad just bad enough I'm sure to show on the scale. While we are out there I won't be thinking about anything but swimming, laying by the pool, and eating at some nice restaraunts. Since I can only eat a small amount, we have decided to go to some nice places and spend the $30-$40 on one meal and share it. Makes sense to me. Last time we were there was right before I got the band, in fact I had to go on my 8 day pre-op diet when I got back. We didn't eat at any really nice places just cafe's in the casino and burger joints. Nothing special though so this time I am taking enough money that we don't have to worry about eating or playing the machines. It should be a nice time. My friend "C" from work is watching Kiko and Gabby since I watched her dog for her while she went to Disneyworld. He was a good dog, very loving and sweet but he lifted his leg on everything to mark his territory. That is something we weren't used to so for a week we dealt with it. But I'm sure my dogs will get her carpet a few times. Gabby will enjoy seeing Jasper again and they will play for the first few days and then Jasper will get tired like he did here at our house and try to hide from her. He is 10 years old and Gabby is 1 1/2 years so she is full of energy and doesn't know when to stop but I don't know how long it will take for her to get comfortable around "C". She may just hide under the bed for a few days and then come creeping out. We will take her bed for her but who knows if she will sleep in it. I hope she just decides to sleep with "C" and be comfortable enough to relax a little. She is very skiddish around new people. I hope she is ok. Kiko I don't worry about, as long as she has food and her bed she is ok. She doesn't play much so Jasper doesn't have to worry about keeping her company. I can't wait to go on vacation. I'm thinking even if I lose another 10 lbs before we leave (Aug 29th) that will be fine with me. I wanted to hit the 200 mark before we left but it just isn't happening. I would have to really buckle down and exercise every night at the gym and do the elliptical here at home before getting ready for the day. Robert bought a gym style elliptical so we use it and it is hard so I can only do 9-10 minutes on it so that is enough to get my metabolism going but not enough to burn any extra calories but anything is better than nothing. My husband is looking for a full time job since his bookkeeping isn't really enough to keep us afloat and tax season is over. So it will be hard having him gone throughout the days and the dogs will miss him most since he has been around them for so long. During tax season he did taxes with another CPA so he wasn't home during the day and Gabby showed him how she felt by peeing on the carpet. That cost $1700 to get it ripped up and tile put down. But hey what do you expect from a strong-headed chihuahua. She will hate him being gone and I will too since he does everything around the house. I feel so spoiled by having him home. He is there to watch me leave for work and there when I get home from work. He is always there showing his support through all this. He has never made me feel badly about myself except when he would talk about how his ex-wife would win the wet t-shirt contest in Las Vegas, or how he carried her while on vacation. I found some nude photo's of her that were taken by the beach when they went to Cancun. She is so pretty but she uses her looks to get what she wants. That is why they divorced. She was accepting diamond earrings and other gifts from doctor's at the hospital where she worked. She is a nurse. I found pictures of her being on a billboard advertisement for the hospital with another nurse. How can you get that lucky? To be so pretty and have a good career? I wish I was like that. The cable company I work for is really good and has great benefits and I made more than my husband did when he was an accountant for a firm. That bites for him since I don't have a master's degree and make that much money he says. I just don't think he was getting paid what he should have been. He is very smart and sometimes I feel like a real dummy but he never says anything about it so that is good cause I would have to kill him. The only other time I told him I would kill him is if he ever cheated on me. But I really don't think I would, I would feel like it but I would keep him alive so he would have to deal with his decisions. He knows how much it would hurt me and since it feels like all the men in my life have used me and left me for other women it would just feel like "here we go again". It would break my heart since he is the only man I haven't cheated on and he has my heart. All the men before left me bored and wanting more and you always think the grass is greener on the other side so I was always looking. No regrets except I shouldn't have wasted my time on more than half of them but boy did I have fun when I was younger. I had so much fun. When I would lose the weight is when I had the most fun, but when I gained the weight I was with a couple of guys that didn't care how big I was, they liked the company and I was fun so they enjoyed it. I left those 2 guys when I met Robert. I knew I couldn't juggle 3 men and Robert was a keeper. Handsome, had a job, had a car, and paid for the movie...what more could I ask for. He didn't pressure me for sex so that was a good thing and that is what stuck in my head. When we went on our first date all I could think about was how good looking he was and how good he smelled. It was just filling up my mind with happy thoughts. Then when we talked for so long in the car I knew he was the one that I wanted to spend the rest of my life with. Well more on that story later. I'm done rambling for the day. Have a good one and good luck losing.
khunt719

khunt719

1
 

finally I see it

Every night when I get off work I call the husband to see what is for dinner. The night before he said let's figure out what we are eating tomorrow night so you don't have to ask. I didn't get the fact that it bothered him for me to ask...I ask every night after work, it's just a question. I've made decisions all day and don't want to have to make one when I get off. Well last night he went off when I asked about how he doesn't know what is for dinner and I always ask and that it makes him mad because he doesn't know what to say when I ask. That threw me into thinking...my life revolves around food. Food is my best friend...it is there when I am happy, sad, depressed, bored, celebrating. It is always there and I can't stop thinking about it. I think about food from the moment I wake up until I go to bed. I think about what's for breakfast, what's for lunch, and what's for dinner. I can only eat 3 times a day so food is very important to me. I even dream about it sometimes. So I've come to the conclusion that I need to focus more on what I am doing that day and take one meal at a time. You have to be prepared when you have had the surgery, you just can't pop into McDonalds for lunch and order a burger. There has to be some meal preparation and thought into what you eat. My life just revolves around food. I love to eat out even though I can't eat that much, I like the atmosphere and getting waited on, not having to cook or dirty up dishes. I love to eat out. At first I didn't because I couldn't stuff myself from the plate of goodness that sat before me but now I am getting re-adjusted and I love it. PF Chang's is my favorite because there are appetizers that I can make a meal out of and have enough to take home for another meal later on. But just having him make me think about how important food really is got to me. I hadn't realized just how important it is and how much I think about. So that is that story. I weighed this morning and finally hit 226 lbs so I feel better since this is what I weighed last month when I went in for my fill. So anything that I lose after this will be a plus. I'll tell the doctor about my 4 day binge eating feast that I had and how I gained 10 lbs in 4 days so he will know that I am human and lost alot more than what shows on the scale. I just can't believe baked beans and birthday cake were worth gaining the weight because it has taken me 1 1/2 weeks to get it off. I don't know why I chose them to be my friends for the 4 days off but I did. I think after my fill I will stick with my protein shake in the morning along with my coffee, cottage cheese or some type of meat for lunch, and a hot dog for dinner. The hot dog helps because I know I am getting more calories from it and that is what I seem to not be hitting. Maybe that is why I am not losing the weight like I think I should be. One of the series Robert and I like started on Showtime and we missed the last 4 episodes so tonight we are going to catch up with it again. I can't wait for True Blood to start but I hope it isn't as stupid as last year. The commercials look good. We also like Dexter, it is so good and coming from being a cop, I can relate to wanting to kill off the bad guys that get away with their crimes. Yes I was a cop, I made $9 an hour working as a Deputy Sheriff for the small town I lived in. Now I make more than twice that and don't have the life threatening decisions to make. All I can do these days is turn off your cable if you don't pay. It bothers me that people come in wanting extensions on their bill because they are unemployed and can't afford to pay that month of service and you look and they have the top teir of cable there is. How can you justify paying $149 for cable for one month when you don't have a job? I know cable is a big thing in people's lives and it is the only source of entertainment for some families and I'm ok with that but don't come in and give me a pity party because you are broke and have that kind of teir. Do you really need all the channels? The high definition box and the recording box? If it were me I would downsize to just basic which runs $20, keep my internet so I could look for a job. I'm more than happy to put you on a promotion for 6 months to help you get back on your feet but we look at payment history and how long you have been a customer to do that. I've been unemployed twice lost 2 jobs and didn't have another one to back it up so I understand being unemployed. In fact before I got this job at the cable company I was unemployed and this first thing I did was get rid of the cable, internet, and house phone. I had my cell phone in case I got a call about a job and would go to the library to look on the computer for a job so I understand being in a position where you don't know where the money is going to come from for the next month. I didn't get unemployment so I didn't have that to fall back on. I understand where people are coming from that are in this position. Ok enough about that. I have the day off with the husband and we are going to meet up with my mother and her boyfriend for lunch so it should be good, don't know where we are going but it should be good wherever we go. We have some shopping to do so I'll have something to eat this coming week but really I don't need much after Monday because Tuesday is my fill and I have to be on liquids for 2 days after and then mushy for 2 days after that so that takes me to Saturday before I can eat something good. I hate getting fills for this reason but like the restriction I get from them. I'm not at full restriction but I have some. I just hope this fill does the trick. Well everyone have a good day and please don't bash me on this entry.
khunt719

khunt719

0
 

The scale won't budge

I don't know why but the scale just isn't moving fast enough for me. I woke up this morning and weighed in at 227.5. I have to be 226 by Tuesday and that is where I was last time I went for my fill. I was so hungry last night I ate a hot dog and a can of pea's. I sometimes can eat alot and then other times not eat hardly at all, so what gives there? yesterday we went to get our award, I had 2 eggs before I left and work brought McDonalds right when I got there to leave to Denver. How was I going to eat McDonalds? So I was starving throughout the day. We took a break and they had drinks and snacks for us...none which I could have but I did grab a diet soda hoping the carbonation would fill up my stomach so I wouldn't be so hungry. Boy did it ever. It took me about 2 1/2 hours to drink half of it and my stomach felt like it had to burst. So now I know I can't have bottled soda. I occassionaly go to Sonic and get a diet cherry limeade which doesn't give me any trouble but I let it sit long enough for the fizz to leave. This morning coffee is my best friend...it tastes so good and is hot and really helps open me up so I can have my protein shake later on. I don't know what I am going to take for lunch today. Probably a little thing of vegetables since we have no protein in the house. I told Robert we had to go to Sam's tonight or this weekend since I am off to buy some fish for me to take. Fish goes down easy and it tastes so good. I get the salmon filet that is already seasoned and is so good. But I don't have any right now. I do however have some shrimp scampi but since I got stuck on shrimp earlier this month I don't know if I want to risk it again or just chew chew chew. I know that was my problem before. I didn't chew it like I should have I'm sure and it got stuck. My husband has been trying to complete this quickbooks certification course and it is draining on him. He feels like all he does is study and take tests...I can attest that he gets cranky when he has been at the computer all day. He did his bookkeeping clients in a couple of days so now he has the month to do this training. Boy being a CPA really takes a toll on you. I finally got my BE protein shakes and I bought the melon and peanut butter. The peanut butter is really good kinda thick though more like it has real peanut butter in it. I haven't been brave enough to try the melon so I'll send some to my mother's tomorrow and let her try it first and if she likes it and I don't then I'll give it to her and I'll buy some more chocolate and caffe latte. I haven't tried the cinnamon yet but I don't really go for cinnamon. After yesterday from sitting all day, the bus ride up there, sitting through speeches, sitting on the bus ride home, my back is killing me. It hurts right where the tailbone ends. If I move any it hurts. That is where I was getting injections about every 3-4 months and they seemed to help for a short while but it is just sitting that hurts it the worst. I took my little shoulder sling purse so there was no room for percocet so I worked it out and was just in pain for the day. Now just sitting here it hurts, thank goodness we have a big computer chair. We got 2 shirts yesterday, I got my polo a 4x and it just hangs on me like a night shirt. My friend Lisa says I still have the fat girl image stuck in my head. I could have easily went to a 3x or even a 2x but I like them to cover my body so no one can see how big I really am. The other shirt came in a woman's XL so I know that it will be about another 25 lbs before I can fit into it. I have this nice yellow blouse that has a see-through shirt to go over the tank top. It is a 2 piece and I wore it when I was down to 200 lbs so I know once I am able to fit into it, I will have reached thinner...not skinny, that is 175 lbs but thinner. I love that blouse and only wore it once. It is beautiful and I bought it from Kohl's...the "I can't shop until I lose weight store." They have good bargains and nice clothes but I have to get to 200 lbs before I go back there. It would only depress me more to go in and not be able to try anything on. So I guess I'll do the elliptical in a few minutes...I'll try to do 10 min today. The doctor wants me to do 20 min but try that at my weight in one session and it is hard but I can break it up to 10 min in the morning and 10 min at night. By the time I get home from work I don't really feel like doing it. I take the dogs for their walk and I am on and off my feet all day so I know I get my walking in that way. I should start walking on my break at work that would be a 15 min walk and then I wouldn't have to do the elliptical when I get home....that would work. So how is everyone out there? Are you losing weight? running into any challenges with the band like I have? Just need a pick-me-up? Let me know I'll try to help. Have a good day and good luck losing. This is the first time I am happy about being a loser. lol:thumbup:
khunt719

khunt719

0
 

On my soap box

I know I know that I have self-pity for not losing more weight. I can't stand the fact that I am tied to the scale. I weigh when I wake up and when I get home and before bed. If I am at the same weight when I get home from work as I was when I woke up I'll eat some protein but if I have gained any weight I'll just have a shake and then I get depressed. All I wanted was this last 2 lbs to come off before Tuesday because that is when I go for my fill. I don't want to have gained weight. What kind of message does that send to my doctor and I know I went overboard for the 4 days I had off. But is my body really punishing me for that. How can someone gain 10 lbs in 4 days? It doesn't make sense. I am losing sleep over this. Today I actually slept in and woke up at 5:30 so that was good for a change. I have this weekend off and hope to sleep in until at least 7:00. I have to take a xanax to help me sleep along with the other 3 prescription nighttime pills I already take. It is a cocktail that keeps me sane. I want to get off some of the pills I am on because most of them are for mood stabalizing and anti-depressants but how many does one person have to take before they feel like they can make it through the day without cutting themselves or the thought of suicide enters their head. That is what I have when I am not on my pills, I have cutter personality, I think about suicide all the time, I am a mean and hateful person and can't take a day with any stress in it. That is why I am on what I am on and now with the surgery and hopefully losing the weight will help my self-esteem enough that I can face people without the help of medication but I doubt it. I will probably be on something for the rest of my life. My grandmother gave me all her traits and she ended up having shock treatments done on her. Before the shock treatment she was delusional, hated the world, you just couldn't stand to be around her for very long because she was so negative and then after her treatment she was the best I had ever seen her. She and I were so close and I miss her so much. She is always on my mind and the good times we had when I was growing up and how we are so much alike. I just wish my husband could have met her because then he would understand where I get my personality and the things that I do came from her. When we first got together there was some stress because I was insecure and had been hurt so many times in the past. Robert was still close friends with his ex-wife and I couldn't see how 2 people that were involved could divorce and remain friends so everytime she would call I would get upset and cut myself. It made the world stand still and the pain go away. He didn't know how to handle it but since he saw how it hurt me he stopped talking to her. I didn't want her to know what was going on in our lives, it was none of her business and she always bragged about how good her life was and what she bought and how she did this and did that so well that he would tell me and I would feel like I was dirt compared to what she was, how could he go from that---a 5'2" 100 lbs beautiful woman to me...5'6" 200 lb not so pretty and then I gained another 70 lbs on top of it. What could he possibly see in me? All I have going for me is I have a great personality most of the time. I am caring, honest, protective, loving, I would give the shirt off my back if you needed one. I have a big heart to match my big body is what Robert says. He is silly. For our one year anniversary we decided it was time for me to get an engagement ring, well I told him I was a big girl and I needed a big ring, So he went out and bought me a 2.75 carat diamond ring, it is beautiful but sometimes I ask myself am I even worth it? He is a CPA so he has his tax and bookkeeping clients and works out of the house. He does all the housework and takes care of the 2 dogs. All I have to worry about is doing my laundry (which I am doing right now as we speak). He takes care of getting the groceries, making the dinners which has become even easier since I don't eat alot. We usually eat the chili he makes or hot wings from pizza hut. Right now I am on a hot dog kick where everynight I have one hot dog. It fills me up and it is protein so I don't mind eating it all the time. I go on kicks, I am sure you do too. Where all you want to eat is one thing and you can never get tired of it but after eating it for 2 weeks you are sick of it but it tasted so good while you were on the binge. That is what I do, my husband says I take everything to the extreme instead of eating a hot dog one night I eat them for 2 weeks, instead of making chili and eating it a couple of times, we make enough so I can take it for the week and I don't get tired of it. We had nothing yesterday for me to take for lunch so I took a can of artichoke hearts and ate them. They were low calorie and not too many carbs so it wasn't a waste and it filled me up enough to last until dinner. After reading on here I see where some doctors say no caffeine and others say it is fine, well coffee is my best friend in the morning, I usually have about 6-8 cups and then go to work and have another 20 oz's. It fills me up so I have a protein shake and then coffee in the morning and that is my breakfast. I figure as long as I have my protein I am doing good. By lunch I am hungry so the cup of food that I take I really enjoy. Sometimes depending on my mood I eat it real slow and take 20 min to eat it and then other times, I am so hungry I just want to get it down so it will fill my belly and I won't feel the hunger pains....is anyone else like that? I get so tired of people on here bitching because they have only lost 30 lbs in 2 months please people I would kill to lose that. It has taken me 9 months to lose this 15 lbs and I'm still fighting to lose. It is like a constant battle to try and keep the weight I have lost off and then to try and lose more, it just isn't happening. At work yesterday my team found out that we get to take the day off from working the front counter and go to Denver because we won "The Midas Award" which is a big deal for the company I work for. We usually see about 9,000 customers in a month and that is working with 9 employees on the team (most days there are 7-8 because of people taking vacation and days off) so last month with this transition we did with cable we saw 30,000 so we got this award and so we get to travel to Denver to meet with the head of the company and have lunch and get our picture taken. It should be fun, a day off from dealing with angry customers to having a leisure day to go meet new people and be recognized for what we achieved, what we did. It was 3 times the volume of people and our little lobby isn't met for that many people so most days they were out the door down the sidewalk waiting 30 minutes just to make a payment... I've been to the post office and had days like that. At our post office there is one lady who looks like she hasn't had a bath in a week, her hair is so oily it just hangs and she pulls it back with clips, but she takes forever with a customer and the sad thing is people in line have been there before and know she is the slowest person. She wants to sell you a PO Box, Stamps, Tape, Shipping Boxes...anything she can sell she tries. I know she is just doing her job but please lady there is a line out the door and sometimes you just have to go with it and get them through. I know we are supposed to sell at my job and I do get my sales every month and a nice commission but I get through the people. The average receipts for last month was 1,700 and I did 1.995 so I know I do my share of work. It is very nerve racking to have a line out the door and when people leave to take lunch or break you can just hear the customer's getting upset. It is so nice to take that 15 min and just relax and read. I have read just about every lap-band book out there and wish I would have read them before I had surgery but what I am learning now makes sense with how I feel and what I should be eating and how I should be losing weight...well we know the story behind losing the weight. I read the "Before and After" book but she had the gastric bypass but there are somethings she says that make sense even for lap band patients. The one thing she says that has stuck in my mind is nothing tastes as good as thin feels. I say that everytime I want to eat that big burger from Red Robins. Now I just eat it wrapped in lettuce but before I had restriction I would eat the whole thing. How could someone with the band eat the whole burgery and not get sick? That is how I was. I just ate whatever I wanted, now I look back on it and say how stupid I was for doing that. Well I am now off my soap box so hope you have enjoyed reading about a day in the life of Kelly. Have a good day and good luck with losing.
khunt719

khunt719

2
 

did I make a mistake

Ok so I come home last night after eating good all day and I weigh 4 more lbs than what I weighed the day before. It is like I can't get back to 226 to save my life. I don't know what I am doing wrong but the way I ate yesterday I should have been down a lb or so. I am drinking my water, walking, eating my protein. I just don't know. Before having surgery I lost 30 lbs before we went on vacation in Sept and it only took me 3 months to do that but now that I have had surgery it is taking alot longer to lose weight. What have I done to myself? I know I need to get to the gym and swim but working this OT is taking it's toll on me. I've been up since 3:00 and the internet was down for 2 1/2 hours of that so now that I can get on, I've had alot of time to think. I'm reading "Ultimate lap-band success" by Dr. Duc Vuong. He has alot of good information about behavior and I fall into the category of not getting my act together. I fall off the wagon it seems like every other day, I can't just stay on eating small amounts. Do I need a fill? I think so but I have to wait until Tuesday to get one. I don't know if that is going to make a change but I went 6 hours between lunch and dinner yesterday but Sunday I was hungry after 3 hours so I don't know what is going on with my band. It is very frustrating. I don't have to go in and do OT today...go figure since I have been up since 3, would have come in handy today of all days. So maybe tonight I can get to the gym and do some exercising for about an hour. I mean I worked so hard to get approved by my insurance. It took 1 1/2 years from my first appt with the surgeon to my approval letter in the mail. I had to exercise, journal, keep track of my thoughts and feelings, no drinking 30 minutes before and 1 hour after my meals, learn to chew chew chew. There was alot of things that lead up to this point and it isn't coming together like I thought. It is very disappointing that my mother has lost 22 lbs in her first month I haven't lost that much since having surgery. I didn't weigh myself this morning and don't think I will for a few days at least until Sunday and then I will see where I am at. Work was good yesterday, I got my score card for the month of May and I met my goals for sales and did above the average on receipts so it was good. Alot of co-workers didn't get good scores so they were upset but they only have themselves to blame on that one. I guess I only have myself to blame for me not losing the weight. I just need to get it together and it seems like it was just last week that I was saying the same thing and still haven't gotten it together. Just another story of my life. Husband is still supporting me and keeping me feeling like I really amount to something in his life and he would die if something happened to me. He doesn't like to see me upset about what is going on with my weight but he says he loves me for who I am and I am beautiful the way I look. And that is why I love him. He has been here when I gained the 70 lbs and he will still be here when I lose it and more. I just love him so much, he is my life. And of course the dogs. My daughter is in WY with her boyfriend whom I don't like but have to live with the fact that she is 22 and can do what she wants but we are here if she needs to come back home or can't make it there. She has a weight problem and her boyfriend seems to love her for who she is and doesn't mind her being fat. It bothers me more since diabetes runs in our family and I don't want her health or body to suffer because she is carrying around an extra 100 lbs. So now that I have told you how grand my life is...this is my story for the day. Hope you have a good one.
khunt719

khunt719

1
 

up early again

I got up early to come into work to get some more OT, I figure as long as they are offering it I'll take it. Yesterday was a very relaxing day, I did about 250 drops for my 8 hours and then some receipts to add equip to accounts. So it wasn't bad. We have a new security guard so who knows how he will be. It is nice to have the regular security guards around because they know they have to be inside the lobby to help out if a customer becomes unruly. I found a station on Sirius that is 70's and 80's music and I really enjoy it because I was getting tired of the 2000's and above. They just play the same music over and over. I bought my lottery tickets so wish me luck. It is like 7.5 mil and that would come in handy. I ate ok last night, had a big fat hot dog with relish and ketchup on it and it was yummy since I hadn't had one in forever. It was the perfect size. Then I had some strawberries with whipped cream on them and that was a nice change. I still have lost any weight and only have 1 week to lose at least a few lbs before going for my next fill. So I think I'll do protein for breakfast, chili for lunch and a hot dog for dinner. Skip the strawberries and nuts. Maybe that will inspire my body to lose some weight. It has been too hot to walk the dogs after work and I leave to early to walk them before hand so I haven't been getting my usual exercise. By the time I get home I am so tired from getting up early I rarely have the energy to work out and I know that is my downfall and I really need to do that. I wore my smaller jeans today and they put pressure on my stomach so hopefully that will keep me from over-eating today. I brought my chili and there wasn't much left but it was enough to almost fill my 1.7 cup container so maybe I will eat half and save the other half for tomorrow depending on how hungry I am by lunch. Work has been a killer with people in a bad mood and that really stresses you out and makes me want to go back to my ways before surgery of eating to deal with my problems or bad days. I just have to keep things in perspective on what I can and can't eat. I'll take a little break from doing receipts and go get a coffee from 7-11. they have pretty good coffee and I've only had 4 cups so far this morning usually my limit is 6 and I am ready for the day. I've been wearing my glasses instead of my contacts because my eyes get very dry from looking at the computer screen all day. So that means I haven't been able to wear any make-up since I can't get close enough to the mirror to put it on. It is a shame because I have about $500 in make up and don't get to use it. I went crazy one month and bought about $300 of Mac makeup and my husband thinks I have a problem with impulsive shopping so I had the doctor put me on Adderral for it and it is supposed to curb your appetite at the same time so I hope that is helping, it must be since I only eat 2 times a day. I ordered some BE protein in new flavors since they have been out of the ones I like so I'm excited to try them. Well that is my day for now. I'll let you know if anything exciting happens.
khunt719

khunt719

0
 

Back at it

I got up at 4:15 to come into work at 5:30 so I could get some OT. I am supposed to have drops today and that is fine. Drops are where you sit in the office and process the checks that have been dropped off at King Sooper's and outside in the payment only box. It is a nice break from dealing face to face with customers and it usually takes about 4-5 hours, some people take the full 8 hours to do them but I like to get them done and come back up front to work the customers. I went and bought a new blue tooth yesterday and car charger for my cell phone. My cell phone was going dead after about 40 min of talk time which was killing me since I talk all the way to work and all the way home to family. I have to tell them about my day and then it pisses me off when it goes dead and I'm in the middle of a story. I hope the blue tooth works like it should but yesterday after I charged it while I was talking it was making this crackling sound so I don't know if that is just where I was talking that caused it but if it continues I'll take it back and buy the more expensive one. This one was $80 so it wasn't a cheap one. I'm watching dance your ass off and I have never seen it before and it is great. People are crazy on it. Eating was ok yesterday, went to PF Changs and it was good but I was hungry about 3 hours later so I had some cheese from the Whole Food's sample trays. That lasted me another couple of hours and then I had 2 pieces of pizza and 6 wings which were wonderful. So I can't take anymore days off because I eat like a pig. It was like I could have eaten anything last night, just like before I had surgery. Some days a cup of food fills me up for 6 hours and sometimes I can eat a bunch of food and am hungry in a couple of hours, It doesn't make sense. My mother is about 5 or 6 weeks out from having the sleeve done in Mexico and she is down 22 lbs so it is working for her. Just wish I could get over this hump and continue losing my weight. well this is my story for today. Have a good one.
khunt719

khunt719

1
 

Couldn't sleep

Well I woke up at 12:00 and couldn't get back to sleep so I decided to do my cafe on facebook and make some coffee. After 4 cups and about an hour on the computer I went upstairs to try and sleep but that wasn't happening. I just laid there and my mind starts to think. I wonder why this surgery isn't working like I thought it should? was it all the sabotaging I did in the early stages? do I need to exercise more? What is it? I just have to lose this 10 lbs by next Tuesday and I'll be fine but it is getting it off that is the problem. So for breakfast I am having a slim jim, for lunch about a cup of chili that I made last night, and for dinner who knows. I guess we could go out for dinner since we haven't for a few days. I just hate going out because it is like you order and this heaping plate of food comes to the table and you can only eat a little bit and then you take the rest home. I don't eat leftovers unless they are from PF Changs so my husband ends up eating them. He doesn't mind all the food leftover but I get tired of going out and only eating a small portion but do I really hate it worse than being fat? I honestly hate being fat. The way my belly hangs and jiggles when I move, the way my thighs rub together, the way my boobs sag...there are so many things about my body that I would change. I already plan on getting a tummy tuck after the majority of my weight comes off but that will be in 2 years if I don't get it together and really try at this weight loss program. My slim jim is spicy but good and I guess it will do for being breakfast. At least it will keep me from craving something that isn't as good for me. I'll get some protein from it and I'll have a shake on my first break that should tie me over until I go to lunch. It is going to be a long day at work because my day started so early. I hope I don't get rude with the customers but after yesterday I think I can get through anything. We had so many yellers in here it was nuts. Everyone had an attitude and I hate when they think they are better than me just because they come and pay their cable bill. Pay it on time and pay the full balance if you are going to act that way with me. Please, I am college educated and making more money now than when I was in law enforcement and I don't have the danger that came with that job. Well this in my story for today. I'll let you know how it goes tomorrow.
khunt719

khunt719

2
 

Omg

well the 4 days off really got me...I gained 10 lbs. How could anyone gain 10 lbs in 4 days? I know I ate like a pig but was it my body taking in all the calories it could since it has been deprived of them for so long? What could it be? I waited yesterday and ate like I should and lost 5 lbs so I'm sure it was mostly water weight but I've never had that much water in me. I'm drinking like I should, ordered more protein powder from BE. They were out of my favorite chocolate so I'll try some new flavors. I just wanted to die when I saw the scale. That means I still have 6 lbs to lose by the 15th. How am I going to do this? I came in early to work, actually at 5:45 instead of 9:30 to catch up on paperwork. I'm trying to get all the OT I can before vacation in Aug. I still want to get to 200 lbs by Aug 29th. Now I have 5 more lbs on top of the 26 lbs I had to lose. I just have to get it together (that is the story of my life) Coming into work is not always a bad thing, I am here by myself and I can watch my favorite show-snapped-on tv and work at the same time. Life couldn't be any better...getting paid and not having to deal with customers what a relief that is. There were some off the wall people yesterday and that makes for a long day. They take their cable very seriously. I got my bangs trimmed, always go to Toni and Guy, and they didn't trim the sides like I am used to so I have to keep sweeping the hair out of my face. I bought 2 books on the lap band procedure and how to deal with it after surgery so I am starting to read those and I will keep you updated. So for now life is good just need to lose the 6 lbs by the 15th.
khunt719

khunt719

1
 

Back on the wagon

I had 4 days off from work for the holiday and loved every bit of them. I was bad though. It was my mother's birthday and I bought her a cake and I ate it for 3 days. I ate some good foods and some bad foods. I didn't go to the gym like I wanted to and I go for my fill on the 15th so I have to kick it in gear and at least lose 5 lbs before I go into the doctors. I hate disappointing myself and him but the cake was so worth it. Moist, soft, creamy...so full of goodness, calories and carbs. So I bought a big bottle of Arrowhead water and plan on drinking it throughout the day. My stomach didn't bother me all 4 days so I know I didn't over eat. I just ate the wrong foods. I wasn't brave enough to weigh myself this morning but I came in to do OT so I was in a hurry getting ready for the day. I'll plan on going to the gym tonight, I want to start swimming again. My mother says it is very good exercise and my body doesn't hurt after I swim and pre-surgery that is how I lost my weight is by swimming so that is what I'm going back to doing. Not lifting weights or doing cardio, just swimming. Life is good for right now. My husband did enjoy having me home for the 4 days, he is lost without me or atleast that is what he says. We have such a great time together. I can't imagine spending my life with someone else. God help me if anything ever happened to him. So this is how my day is going so far and how my weekend went. The goal for today is to eat good and exercise.
khunt719

khunt719

0
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