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Totally in my feelings...What a day!!

Today was full of highs & lows. Certainty & uncertainty. Hope & doubt.     I had my physical exam to try and set things off on the right foot. Especially since I know that Dr. monitored weight loss is part of the deal when it comes to getting to the surgery date. I found out I have a “mild” heart murmur, which did not please the queen at. ALL. But the good thing is that my doc said he will try to help the process along as much as possible.     I also went to my first meeting at the Fat Surgeon’s office. *straightface* (some of the BIGGEST waiting room chairs I’ve EVER seen. And a “cattle” scale to boot.) GREAT info session that provided me with info that I hadn’t thought about. I may ultimately decide to take a route other than the Lap Band – totally dependent on what is/isn’t covered by my insurance -but at this point, I’m going with my gut. (no pun intended)         So, maybe I just need to chalk it up to my own ignorance…but the process leading to actually scheduling the surgery is ALOT longer than I anticipated. Granted, I have limited first hand knowledge, and everyone’s experience is different. But, I was told [in general] to expect a 3 month (best case) to 1 year (worst case) wait before my actual surgery date. Of course there are 100/50/11 tons of paperwork, and testing, and evaluations, and re-DUNK-ulous insurance “stuff” to be handled. Hell, my insurance may not even approve it. (tho according to the requirements for candidacy, I’m a shoe-in). I am starting to get concerned about the possibility that I may be denied. Which will leave me at big, fat, square one.         I did find that I’ll be able to utilize some of my own resources (ie: my own doctors) to get some of the pre-requisites accomplished (psyche eval, medical clearance, etc). But I also found that to land on the closer end of the surgery date spectrum (for me, best case is looking like a September surgery date) I could do a “one stop shop” at the surgical facility. Bad news is that will add on some out-of-pocket costs on my end. *sigh* What to do, what to do? (tho im not even sure I’ll even have a say – I gotta see what Aetna is talking about first.)         What I *DO* know is: I grossly underestimated how convoluted the process is for me to go from my dream to my destiny. Admittedly, I left there feeling a little discouraged. All of the what-if’s and uncertainty is like’ta give me a friggen anxiety attack.I have my “official” consultation – my own personal path forward – scheduled for March 15. Things should be clearer by then.         On another note: Day 1 of operation Skinny Cow (an oxymoron, I know. A cow can only be so skinny. I get it. But it seemed to fit my mood today *lol*)I think I’ll make my food journal entries separate from here on out. Just consider today a 2 for 1 special. Starting point: 300#   Fatty Girl Food Journal:   Bowl of Life Cereal w/soy milk
small slice cheese pizza
1/2 grilled chicken quesedilla w/low fat cheese
1 fudge pop (a surprisingly good treat @ only 60 calories!)
fresh apple juice
I feel pretty full, but my daily diet leaves alot to be desired. I’ll have to consume more food/healthy snacks spread out over the course of the day. But seriously, just looking at it – this is a STELLAR performance for me considering… I definitely need to work in more water, alot less juice, and add some veggies. No problem. Today was just one of those kinds of days. Btu I’m proud. *yawn*     It’s been a long day. I’m calling it a night… Maybe my outlook will be better in the morning. Time to take it to God in prayer! What’s meant to be…WILL!
vanishingvixen

vanishingvixen

2
 

Twitter me this...

www.twitter.com/starrdusstt www.twitter.com/vanishingvixen   OH yeah - I'm also a jewelry artist. This will be a great benefit during my journey as I need to divert my attention from food...I can refocus on my craft. check me out! :rolleyes2: www.ggxjewels.com
vanishingvixen

vanishingvixen

3
 

There's a [thin] line between Love & Hate...

What is it about food that can cause some people to become totally addicted to it, while others have a perfectly normal (even sometimes disconnected association) relationship with it?         I’m an emotional eater. When I’m happy, sad, angry, excited, depressed…I look for something to put into my mouth that will help me process or celebrate said emotions. I love the taste, the texture, the smell, the appeal…of some good food. I LOVE FOOD. (Obviously. Have you seen me?) But I absolutely abhor what I’ve allowed it to do to me/my appearance/my health. But WHY I love food so, I don’t really know.         Yesterday I went to Medieval times for my birthday dinner. Standard fare there? An entire HALF of a roasted chicken, spare rib, half of a roasted potato, garlic bread, bowl of soup & an apple turnover. THIS is what they serve for just one person. (Is there any wonder why most ppl in the US are overweight?? *sigh*) While I thoroughly enjoyed the grub, I’m happy to say that i only ate about HALF of what was served.           I feel like I’m mentally preparing myself by seriously re-considering my food choices & portions..which is a good thing. I also have a 30-day supply of slim-shots in the mail, that should help with this jump-start diet that will be required of me.   enroute to Medieval Times to grub           That’s tomorrow. TODAY? I’m gonna eat like the fat girl that I am. For the LAST time, I will make food my love-slave. I’ll make love to some bacon, and give pasta some good head…I’ll fondle some chocolate, and make-out with a Martini.         I understand that starting tomorrow, the way I relate to food will have to change (tho strangely, I think in my head, I “get it”…I just decided to allow myself to have what I wanted this weekend. I haven’t gone anywhere near as overboard as I thought I would or have even desired to. go figure!) I just haven’t totally figured out how to go from having a love affair with food, to putting that relationship in it’s proper place: sustenance, nutrition, and necessity. That, by far, is the most challenging aspect of this entire thing. Eating to live…not living to eat.       Now there’s a novel idea *smirk*
vanishingvixen

vanishingvixen

2
 

The Battlefield of the Mind

It was a long night. 50/11grillion things running thru my head. A plethora of feelings and mixed emotions. Very little sleep. I’m having 2nd and 3rd and 4th thoughts about this entire thing. Yet another reason I decided to blog the journey – accountability. And the fact that once I let the blogosphere know my plans, by obligation and not wanting to looking foolish, I know ill persevere.     what will become me??         I’d be lying if I didn’t say that a lot of my concerns are about vanity. What the man in my life will think of my appearance sans clothes in a year from now. After all, he’s been here with me thru the thick of it. Or fat of it, as it were. I’ve gained about 30lbs since we met… most post-baby. (Ironically, so has he) But for the most part, I pretty much look the same.     He’s used to my fluff. And he’s a boobman. The fullness of my breasts (which happen to be my 2nd best feature – the first is my awesome firely red mane!) are bound to be the first thing to go. There may be some hope for them, because even at my smallest, I’ve been busty…but I somehow doubt they’ll shrink up “nice & perky” (from training bra to C-cup over the course of a summer…and from there, I rested comfortably at a full D/DD until the last few years as I’ve picked up weight). I’ve seen & heard what happens to the boobs when you lose a lot of weight, and I’m not looking forward to it. There. I said it! *eyeroll*     Now, the other part of my body where I carry the most weight is my thighs. I shutter to think what will become of them aesthetically. But it will be kinda nice to wear a pair of stockings/tights without the burning of my delicate thigh meat from the incessant rubbing together as I walk. I might even be able to cross my legs all lady-like for the first time. A definite bonus! But, will I look like a 97 year old woman? Of course Bertha the Belly is bound to go missing. But will she go missing hanging down around my knee caps is the question. *face twisted*     I know. I know. I KNOW that this is about health. But my own thoughts about this process are leading me to want to do a lot more research on the mental/emotional space of folks who have lost a drastic amount of weight. I know I’ve gained roughly 50-75lbs over the span of 10 yrs. And it will be nice to be back down to a “respectable” size. But will I be depressed because my body won’t look the same as I did back then?     I’m pretty solid. I don’t have a big Buddha belly. I’m compact. Fairly proportionate. And until I blasted my weight for the whole world to see, most folk don’t have a clue I weigh so much. So I’d like to think that I carry it “well”. But how “well” will I be carrying this smaller figure 365 days from now? That remains to be seen…     All I know is I need to go ahead and buy some stock in the company that sells SPANX, because imma be a foundation/compression wearin fool. *hmmmmm* Maybe if I wear those for the duration of the process, it will help my skin be tighter? Just a thought. Though ill miss my days of traipsing around the house butterballbooty bucketnayket…a smaller me, may make for a more modest me.     But somehow I doubt it! *lol*
vanishingvixen

vanishingvixen

3
 

Phine, RE-defined... (cross-post. original date 2/25/2010)

10/2009   Take a good look. This is what Morbid Obesity looks like.   Let me preface this by saying that at first I was going to keep it all a hush-hush big super secret squirrel secret. But I figured blogging would not only help me chronicle my journey, but serve as a sounding board. Of course I run the risk of opening myself up to criticism and negativity. But I figured…they talked about Jesus they’ll talk about me too. And what’s more is – I really don’t give a rat’s sweaty nads. *shrug*     With that said… I’ve never had a problem with being full-figured. In fact, I’ve embraced it. It’s a part of the me that I’ve been proud to be. Even flaunted my curves. And its not like I’ve been starved for attention. Most…well, a lot (only basing on what I’ve been told) of men (women too) think that I’m (are you ready for this?) SEXY. I’m not bragging at all…but can you imagine? Me, at 298lbs…on a 5′3″ frame. What doctors frown at in disapproval. What some people in public look at in disgust…but yet others…desire. To this day. As recently as an hour ago.   8/2008       *smh kinda confused* Admittedly, I’ve thought the same thing for a long time. My self esteem has remained in its proper sometimes over-elevated place. The men folk (husband included) never seemed to have had a problem with it, so I never had a problem with it…     Until now. I’m at my biggest ever. Almost 30lbs more than I weighed when I was 9 months pregnant (2 years ago). I’m uncomfortable. I don’t like what I see in the mirror any more. My feet hurt. My knees ache. (ironically enough, the VERY reason why working out has been such a chore – that aside from time: 9-5 job, jewelry biz, almost 2 year old daughter, and a hubby that works nights/weekends). And now, my once high (sometimes too high) self esteem has taken a nosedive. So what to do??     9/2002       I’ve done the diets, the shakes, the cleanses, the “lifestyle change”, the pills, the work-out regimen, etc… Something has to be done. NOW. So after about 6 months of mulling it over, I’ve opted to have the LAP-BAND®®® surgery. In fact, that’s the entire reason for this blog. My goal is 75-100lbs. Realistically, at 200lbs, I’ll still be +size…but ALOT better off than I am now.     I’m making a decision to better my life, and thereby, my family’s life. I will learn healthier habits to pass on to my daughter and share with my husband, as well as actually be around a lot longer to see her grow up, and grow into the olden golden years with her daddy. This vixen, is about to change her game up, for good.     I have my physical exam and initial info session at the Bariatric Surgeon’s office on Monday. Then comes the consult to chart the path forward, counseling, etc. I will join the Million Pound Challlenge to help get me started on the right track. But that’s Monday – and it’s going to be a life-changing day. So this weekend, I’m gettin it in. *lol* I’m gonna eat what I want…probably for the last time (at least for a long time); Celebrate my 35th bday (late, bc of all the snow) and celebrate in anticipation of a new life and a new, even sexier, healthier me… I’m excited.     I can only pray that by sharing this journey, it will garner some support & encouragement from friends, acquaintances, and strangers alike. But even if it doesn’t, it’s no skin off my teeth. I’m CERTAIN that my words will touch or encourage SOMEONE out there.   1/2010     Beauty can be found at ANY size. From a size 6 to 26. However, HEALTH cannot. And that’s all its about for me. Taking off some pounds to add some years to my life. Phine, re-defined… *sexy grin*
vanishingvixen

vanishingvixen

3
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