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Approval!!!

I've missed all of my LBT peeps! I'm trying not to post much due to The change in WLS – but as promised for those that requested, I’m continuing to stay connected Well folks – it’s official! I got the call on Friday that my insurance has approved me for surgery. As I mentioned, I’ve officially decided on the gastric sleeve vs. The lapband…and I’m confident that this IS the right decision for me. I’ve been blessed with a new lease on a healthier life – that won’t just benefit me – but my family! My nerves (a.k.a. The Vanity Monster) are already kicking in – but not even as it relates to the surgery itself. Still hella nervous about my “post” body and extra skin & such…but I’ll cross that bridge when I get to it. I am really trying to wrap my mind around the fact that after all I’ve done over the years – that this is something that WILL get some of this weight off. My personal goal is only 75-100# – which is much less than what the surgeon would like – but I know where (and my body will tell me) I will be comfortable weight-wise.   So much to think about. And knowing that I’ll be on liquids for 4 wks has kick started a “Last Supper” syndrome of me wanting to eat everything in sight. I really need to get a handle on myself – b/c I don’t want to throw away all that I’ve learned in the nutrition classes, and ruin this lifestyle change before it even gets going real good. Yeah, ill still be able to eat the stuff I love – just LOTS less of it…and probably not really getting to that point until the new year rolls around.   It’s going to be a long, hard journey – because what I’ve learned thus far is that WLS is just a tool – not the be all end all of weight loss. Some folks have gained all of their weight back, or not even gotten a significant amount off. I must stay the course…my life depends on it.   Ill remain true to the original intent of this blog – now that on Sept 21 – I will begin the hardest part of my transformation. Thanks to all who have supported & encouraged. And thanks to those that haven’t been so supportive. Its don’t nothing but make me want this more. Get ready yall …Geyonce is (almost) in the building.   *uh oh uh oh uh oh uh oh*
vanishingvixen

vanishingvixen

4
 

Feeling some kinda way...

*editor's note* this is from my main blog...some of this doesn't apply to this forum*   This will be another quickie – as this week getting back in the swing of things has been rather hectic. I promise to get back on my blogging game next week.   Well, looks like my “start date” (the hoop-jumping 3months I have to go thru for insurance, dr. Monitored weightloss, etc) will be pushed back 1 month. Instead of April, ill start in May – after Mother’s Day/the big GGX event in NYC. Mainly a money issue – I have a few things looming and lots of prep for the 3 vendor events I have in the next 6 wks, and I need to be able to focus all of my time & attention on that…for now.   BUT, if I can figure out a way to do it in April…I will. I’m just very ready to get the show on the road!! I under-estimated how much time and energy go into an actual event. And after the 2day expo this past weekend, I figure I really need to grind the next few weeks. Still praying for a way to get it all done according to schedule…but we’ll see.   Now – I have a rant. This is directed at the folks that have never struggled with weight in their life. I pose this question: Why do some people thinks its so easy to lose weight on your own? Be eat over eating/food addictions/emotional eating/etc or lack of exercise/motivation/lethargy/complacency… Do you think I’d be subjecting myself to a surgical process, hospital bills, etc…if it were “THAT easy”? Even in my most successful weightloss of 20+ lbs (attributed to pills that are no longer on the market), that was it. The 100+ I need to lose is not a matter of it being “THAT easy” if I just put my mind to it – as if I haven’t (put my mind/energy to it) done that already. Weight is a hard, hardddd thing to lose. ESPECIALLY once you have had a child. Why do you think so many people use Trim Spa, Quick Trim, cleanses, etc…hoping for some quick assistance (even the small ppl like Kim ‘Dash)?   Not to take ANYthing away from those who ARE, in fact doing it the “natural way” like my girl Benee -because she is one of the most dedicated folks I've seen. Here attitude, her drive, and the results are phenomenal. But as she's chimed in before - not everyone can do it that way. If we could, there wouldn't be such staggering rates of obesity. Not everyone is able - and for real? Eating healthy is EXPENSIVE. *sheesh* Just curious as to why MY decision to do what *I* need to do…rub so many people (in general) the wrong way? Even other overweight/obese people who are hell-bent on doing it their way…but have been unsuccessful for years. At what point do you decide that something isn't quite working for you? Some folks have been battling the buldge for 10, 15, 20 years like myself. At what point do you consider another alternative - especially when your health & life are at risk?   Let's just keep it real as we look at the chart...(after calculating our BMI's. Mine is 52. Which means I'm HALF fat. *smdh*) http://www.nhlbisupport.com/bmi/bminojs.htm     BMI   Weight StatusBelow 18.5Underweight18.5 – 24.9Normal25.0 – 29.9Overweight30.0 and AboveObese   and for example:     Height Weight Range BMI     Weight Status5' 9"124 lbs or lessBelow 18.5Underweight125 lbs to 168 lbs18.5 to 24.9Normal169 lbs to 202 lbs25.0 to 29.9Overweight203 lbs or more30 or higherObese     How many truly obese people can 50+ pounds on their own, with no assistance? *shrug* Maybe it's just me...   If I trust God to protect me, that includes surgery. I can’t lose any sleep over the “potential complications” with out acknowledging the “potential gain” (which in this case, is weight “loss”). Its all worth it for me…a year from now, I will be A LOT healthier than I am today. Guarenteed. Not sure how many other folks can say that, but I'm glad *I* can...   *thats my rant and I’m sticking to it*
vanishingvixen

vanishingvixen

5
 

Ready...Set...Eat?? NOT! *lol* P.S. The REAL journey begins!

Howdy good people,   I know you may think I’ve fallen wayyyy off the wagon b/c I’ve been so quiet… But *tahdah* – I’m sitting tall & strong.   The reason for the online version of the food journal being M.I.A. For the last couple of weeks is because of time – work has been hella crazy (which is when I do 90% of my blogging *lol*) and home has been even crazier.   I also decided last weekend that this week was going to be one of food leisure. Not over indulgence, mind you, but eating what I wanted within reason since $h!t gets really real next week: the official Dr. Monitored weightloss program, nutritional counseling & and physical training begins on 4/6 , as well as some of the testing I have to go thru (sleep study is Monday). Which means I have to be on my A-game.   The good part? Its gonna be easy. I realized last week, that without a doubt – my relationship with food HAS changed. I’m aware of everything I put in my mouth, almost every bit nutritional data about said food, and I’m forcing myself to think about how “worth” something is to me before I put it in my mouth. Some things are soooooo worth it – like the choco cupcake from curbside cupcakes the other day. And other’s aren’t (like the 2nd vanilla cupcake I purchased at the same time, but decided to give it to a coworker instead of eat it myself ) I’m aware of how much juice I drink – which is very little these days. And any soda is diet. I opt for fruit as dessert most times, and love the fact that I have more energy as of late. Even for Easter dinner - I noticed how much smaller my portions were, and how little I ate compared to say, Christmas. and only one tiny sliver of my g'mas lemon cake? Yeah, I'm making progress!   I’m pretty friggen proud of myself. I’m down maybe 2more lbs over the past week, so I’m doing something right. People are even beginning to notice. *grin* Best part is, I’m not denying myself…and I’m not starving. I’m just thinking about how my (food choices) affect the bottom line – to truly become the VANISHING vixen. Geeyonce is slowly revealing herself… *uh oh uh oh uh oh uh oh*
vanishingvixen

vanishingvixen

1
 

Last tango in Fatvile...

I realized today as I was getting dressed that I always seem to go the “extra mile” when it comes to my appearance on days I go to the doctor. Today I meet w/my bariatric surgeon & dietician on the path forward. Sept 21 will be here before I know it!   But back to appearance – it just dawned on me that I think I go all extra on days I know I’m going to the Fatty Doc, bc I feel like my “cute” will somehow overshadow my “fat” – which is often…or at least SOMEtimes the case in the real world. But at a bariatric Dr.’S office – they rarely see the “cute” – if at all, and mostly only see a person that they are glad had sense enough to do something major, about a major health crisis.   *sigh*   I’m good at being fat. Have been fat my entire life. And though after all is said & done a year from now, for all intents & purposes – I’ll still be a fat girl…but a lot healthier one (and 75-100 lighter). It didn’t hit me until today that this will most likely be my last “uncomfortable, morbidly obese, disgusted with myself and how big I’ve gotten” summer. This time next year – I won’t be so cramped in the metro seat as I blog by crackberry, ill be walking taller w/a lil more pep in my step, AND I will have ridden the rollercoasters that I haven’t been able to get on for the past 5 yrs – at least a thousand times.     While still struggling with some future vanity concerns and how ill feel in my new body – I’m still excited. & optimistic that this was the best decision for ME. I know I’m cute (most of the time)…but for so long the magnitude of my good-lookigness has been overshadowed by my weight.     Get. Ready. Here she comes… *doin my Geyonce dance* uh oh uh oh uh oh…
vanishingvixen

vanishingvixen

3
 

Sometimes i wonder... (excuse the jumble - posting via crackberry)

Sometimes I wonder what miscellaneous people see when they look at me. Are they disgusted by my appearence as much as I am lately?   Like, admittedly, when I see someone fat (my size on upwards of 4 or 500lbs): I wonder if there sturggles w/food have been like mine, I wonder how they feel about themselves, and wonder if they are as uncomfortable as I have been (physically, in terms of knee/hip/foot pain, exhaustion, etc) But most of all, I wonder if they have ever reached the end of their rope w/their weight/health or if they are content with being that way. I ask, b/c I know that some folks enjoy being overweight (ie: the lady recenty who aiming at trying to be 1200 lbs or something so assinine)   I’m not judging. And this is not intended to sound/read as such – I’m just curious about peoples lives…and if, like me, they too are just as fed up with being (so) fat & out of shape…but don’t know what to do about it. I know people probably look at me on the Metro when I’m about to take a seat next to them thinking “noooooooo, I don’t want that fat broad squeezing me into the seat!!”. I’m very aware of peoples reactions…and it hurts. I just wonder if it affects anyone like it has affected me. And further – at what point do you decide to do something about your health??   Being fat I could care lass about. IF I could be fat (morbidly obese is a less pretty term for the truth) AND healthy at this size…ok. But I think it’s physically impossible to be over a certain weight and not have any health issues (present & future) associated with it. Some folks are just riding down the river called denial. I know for me I wasn’t particularly in denial – its just that everything I tried never lasted long term, and I grew sick of feeling like crap about myself – especially over the past year. I don’t want to become one of those folks that acts (seems to act) like I’m so much more enlightened because I’ve decided to do something about my health – because that’s ALL this is about for me. But I wonder if people really know where they stand in terms of mortality.   I’ll put it this way – there is NO food good enough, no alcoholic beverage tasty enough…for me to remain in my current state. I need help trying to shave some years off the death sentance I’ve given myself over the past 2 decades, and pray that the Insurance “Mayor” makes the LAP-BAND® surgery an easy pardon. I’m at my wits end. Add to it married life, motherhood, 9-5 job, jewelry biz…I’m damn near ready to throw myself (and a few other select ppl) off the Woodrow Wilson bridge. But its only a matter of time. Change come soon – I bring it!   P.s. Need a unique and custom-made mother's day gift? I can help! http://ggxjewels.com/Parents_Pride_ZET1.php
vanishingvixen

vanishingvixen

5
 

Goalllllllllllllllllllllllll!!! (a long overdue update!)

Hello Band-land!!   It's been FOREVER since I've checked in. I didn't wanna get outsted by the forum power's that be since I decided to go with the vertical sleeve. BUT, I did promise to touch bases, since i met some amazing people during my stay here. The short update: I had surgery on 9/21 and am down about 65#. I'm feeling great, and looking pretty great too! I've gone from a sz 22/24, to a 16/18...and my knees, hips & back are thanking me!   To keep it light, I'll post one of my recent updates from my VSG forum, along with the link to my full weightloss journey blog (http://vanishingvixen.wordpress.com). I hope everyone is doing well!! also, if you wish to stay in touch - you can email me here: geenahb2@yahoo.com   The below post is from 1/7/10 - and I've lost 6# more since then   -------------------------------------------------------------------   I know, I know. It’s been toooo long since I’ve updated. We’ll just blame it on life. The last couple of months of 2010 were a dooozy. I was so glad to kick that year in the arse on the way out the door into 2011. *sheesh* Praying for a much smoother ride this year – though all things considered: at least I got my health on track.   about 3 mnths post-op. down 55#   Sooo, where were we? Oh yeah. Arm flaps n’such. (read about it here)I’m over it. Sorta-kinda. I figure, why worry? Besides, I got a shake weight for Christmas. Might seem like a gimmick, but it’s doing something. I feel it! I won’t even talk about the rapidly depleting “fun-bags”. I’m greatful I still have significant cuppage – even if it is on the count of them being so longgggg. By the time I scoop the slinky’s up into one of my FAB new over-the-shoulder-boulder-holders from Lane Bryant, I still have an ample bosom. *cheeze* I have also noticed that my build-a-booty exercises are working better than I expected. That, and a nice proper fitting pair of slacks makes me look Beyonce-bootylicious (even if HERS is fake).   Speaking of slacks – I’m in a size 18 now. CANUFRIGGENBELIEVEIT?? At my biggest (in August) I was a sz 22/24. I’m now about 60# down (give or take, depending on the day), and its still somehow lost on me. Yeah, I get that its gonna take awhile for my old brain to catch up to my new body, but I feel like in some weird parallel universe at times. I mean – is “this” really…ME?   The last time I saw 250# was over 10 years ago. And now, I’m only 51# away from my first super big goal of getting UNDER 200#. I’m on my way to ONE-derland, baybee!!! Though, I guess me hitting 50# was worth some fanfare – I just kinda…forgot. *shrug*   People ask me a lot how I feel. Well, most days, I feel pretty good. I’m pretty much back to “normal”. With the exception of raw veggies/salads (and I’m craving a ceasar salad something fierce). The nausea/vomitting has subsided. And my knees and back/hips are thanking me. I’m more active in terms of walking when I can, takig the steps when I can, dancing when I can, and doing my lil mini-workouts in the bedroom. Really, its been going pretty well. I’m rather proud of myself, even if what I’m doing is minimal at the moment.   the new 'do   HOWEVER, due to the drastic change in nutrition/lack of protein in the first couple months…my hair started falling out. BIG time. In CLUMPS. My big beautiful fro is no more. *sadface* At first, I went with rockin drawstring pontails for a minute, but I just didn’t feel like…ME. So, on Christmas, I cut my hair off. I figured I rather have short, vibrant, healthy hair.. then longer/bigger patchy hair. So I’m going to keep it short for the next 9 months or so until I can get my protein & everything where it should be. Maintain my fiery crown of red (with the help of Clairol textures-n-tones “Flaming Desire”), however short, and rock on…   I will say one last thing – the weightloss surgery was one of the best decisions I’ve ever made. Rough start aside, it gets easier every day. I’m making much better food choices, which means I still get to enjoy the things I love on occasion (cupcake, anyone? Well, in my case 1/2 a cupcake *lol*). I’m even rather fond of green veggies. Who woulda thunk it!?   I do still feel guilty when folks give accolades of “keep up the good work” b/c I don’t feel like I’m doing much to earn that. But, if deciding to actually “do” something about my weight & health (surgery or no)…well I guess that counts for something!   Thanks to all who have continued to support, encourage, and drool.   Think I’m lookin hawt now? Just *weight* until the summer   almost halfway there! Surgery Date: 9/21/10 Dr. D. Halmi - Potomac Hosp. - Woodbridge, VA http://vanishingvixen.wordpress.com     A
vanishingvixen

vanishingvixen

3
 

*singing* I've got some NEWWWSSSSSSSSSSSSSS!

Howdy Banders – I know it has been an INSANE amount of time since my last post, but A LOT going on. First – I’m still on the wagon! I gained back 2lbs between my first and second dietician appt’s, but I already know it was my emotional eating that landed me there. HOWEVER, I am down one dress size! From 24 to 22 in about 2 months. 10lbs. I can’t really complain. But between the jewelry biz taking off & prepping for vendor events (now OFFICIAL! Finally got my biz license & tax ID *giggety*), a sudden tragic death of a friend, and motherhood, wifehood, et al…I kinda fell back into the habit of not planning my meals. I’m still watching my portions (as well as severely limiting my juice intake, in favor of water & crystal lite), but I seem to have a “Last Supper” syndrome when it comes to breads & such. I knew that with the LApband, that would pretty much be a thing of the past… Which brings me to the news. I’ve decided to go with a different WLS then Lapband. My insurance company now covers the gastric sleeve (They did not when I first started this process). It’s a nice middle ground between GB and LP. I was also looking at the long-term cost for follow-ups/fills, etc…and decided this procedure will be a great fit for my personal (As well as my doctor’s) goals. I won’t even lie – reading some of the folks horror stories, and the fact that I still needed to come to terms with the band, the port, and the fills…scared the piss outta me. I know people who have had all 3 of the surgeries, so I have a bounty of knowledge - I just feel like this will be a better choice for me, personally. I know this might get me kicked off the website! *lol* But I’ve met some wonderful folks here- so will be keeping my account open to check on everyone. Wishing everyone the best of luck with their respective journeys! If you want to reach me off line, hit me on my website www.ggxjewels.com (MD/DC/VA folks, lots of ops to meet & greet in person!) – or you can email me at: theggxjewel@gmail.com I’ll be poking my head in periodically, and even posting some updated pics… DON’T BE A STRANGER!
vanishingvixen

vanishingvixen

2
 

Gettin my groove back (a quick update)

As promised - I'm checkin in! How is everyone?   ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------   Greetings my Good People!   I know it’s been a hella long minute since I’ve updated. My life has been nothin short of chaos for the past 3 months. That being said – I haven’t lost my focus – even though I lost my day job.I will say though – that this time has helped me really prioritize my life and what’s important…and my health (physical, mental, AND spiritual) is at the top of the heap.   Feeling Accomplished after ZUMBA   The time I spent in NYC motivated me to get out & move more, and that’s something I brought home with me. When I was there – some days Id walk 3 or 4 miles a day. I’d run & play in the park w/my daughter…I’d just get up and move as much as possible. I really attribute this last 15-20# I lost (in the past 2 mnths) to that. On top of that – I realized that moving got my juices flowin…so to speak. It made me WANT to move/do more…and when I do get up/out & move…I feel…vixen-ish! *lol*   Seriously – I really thought my mojo was gone for good. But it is slowly resurfacing. It kicked into overdrive this week with the start of my Zumba obession – thanks to many friends, and a persistent neighbor (also a WLS gal) who wasn’t allowing me to keep making excuses. Zumba is the $h!t! *lol* As much as I lovessssss me some belly dancing, I think I’ve taken on a new luv-ah! (even though some of the core techniques are the same – which is probably why i love it so much!) I’ll be going once a week, and also taking a step-class on an alternate day. There is nothing sexier than sweating off the pounds by shakin my booty-meat for an hour straight *lol* Nothin says “Sexy” like a sweaty love-cave *lmao*.   60# to go!   You know – I really thought that Miss Mojo was gone for good. I just hadn’t been feeling myself. More self conscious than I’ve EVER been in my LIFE. And it kinda saddened me. I was wondering if I would ever feel like that vivacious vixen ever again. But she is slowly-but- surely rearing her beautiful flame-haired self again. Now, I still have some concerns with saggy skin & what-not, but I’m actually very pleased w/how it’s coming off. I’m starting to have quite the svelte lil’ figure, if I might say so myself! Even my arm-flaps are fallin in to line.   (Who says the shake weight doesn’t work?!)   On another note: I’ve gotta say that this journey has been well-worth everything I’ve gone thru to get here. I’m at a   VERY transitional time in my life altogether. This not having a 9-5 job has stressed me to no end.BUT, it has forced me to operate in my God-given gifts & talents.   unique, artistic, handmade jewels...by MOI!   My jewelry business is taking off to the sky, and my newest venture is off to a great running start. I’m always up for networking – so if you don’t know…NOW you know. Check them out! www.ggxjewels.com (unique, artistic, handmade jewelry) and www.present-this.com (virtual assistant services). Who woulda thunk I’d ever have to be FORCED into living my dream (and looking good doing it!?)   Welp – that’s all that’s suitable for print right now… See y’all in ONEderland soon (29# to get there!)!!    
vanishingvixen

vanishingvixen

1
 

Almost 6-months POST :)

Just a quickie – since I realize it’s been a minute. My life is STILL chaotic, but my weightloss is on track, thank GOD. I can’t believe that come March 21, it will be 6 months since my life changing surgery. I am 73# down, and have lost more than half of what I need to make it to *my* goal. (My PCP wants me down to 160# which is fine – but I know once I get to 175, in MY head, I will be a TOTAL rockstar)   I still have my eating issues (like being a perpetual “snacker” – even with healthy stuff), but for the most part, I’m extremely proud of myself. I’ve been spending time between home and The Big Apple, and I must say that the change of scenery has been EXCELLENT for my spirit, in terms of getting up & out & active…thus keeping the pounds coming off.   I will say – I STILL can’t “see” the difference in my weight in terms of what I see in the mirror. *shrug* But the pictures don’t lie, eh?         2 mnths pre-op & at my heaviest EVER: 310#   Halfway there! (-70#)   AFTER (well, “now”, at least)   In any event – all is going well. Will update more in detail when time permits!   BUT MORE IMPORTANTLY - HOW Y'ALL DOIN?!?!?!?         Surgery Date: 9/21/10 Dr. D. Halmi - Potomac Hosp. - Woodbridge, VA http://vanishingvixen.wordpress.com     A
vanishingvixen

vanishingvixen

5
 

The Fat Mommy [@ the playground]

Being the Fat Mommy at the playground (with the cherubic angel faced albeit a lil chubby) is NO. FUN. It was a very rude awakening for me about how people look at fatties like myself. And even moreso at the kids of these fat parents - especially if they display one iota of being a little rounder than the other kids.   My daughter is beautiful, outgoing, funny, loving, affectionate...but I caught the looks of other parents - at me, then her, then me again, then her again, then a shaking of the head or look of...pity. I mean, really?? I was the ONLY parent out in the play area running around with my child - yet they looked at me like I shoud be ashamed...for being fat, and for having the nerve to be seen in public running around with my lil chubby toddler.   Now, in my defense - GiGi was in NYC being spoiled by Auntie and G'ma. She put on a few pounds BUT, that doesn't mean that she is destined to be a fat girl like her mother. I've seen a lot of chubby toddlers with SKINNY parents, and aint nobody giving THEM the gasface. *gasfacing the ppl that gave ME the gasface*   I'm on this journey so that I can be healthy, and live longer and have the opportunity to enjoy playing with my growing child. Not only to mention, to teach her healthy eating & living habits. I'm overly concerned about her lot in life in terms of body type and (future) self image...which makes me super sensitive to things like what happened yesterday. I was litterally in tears when we left, and typing thru tear-filled eyes now.   I'm on my way to a better life...and my not-even 2 year old daughter hopefully won't remember me as the Fat Mommy that everybody else sees...but as the woman who would do anything in the world for her. IDK...reality checks are the hardest to cash. This will only make me more determined to stay the course. And bring my entire family with me on the way.   Today - I'm going to hold my head high as we venture to yet another mall. And I DARE a mofo to give me the Fat Mommy glare.
vanishingvixen

vanishingvixen

13
 

Still here! And still making progress...

I know it's been a minute since my last post. LAst week was a doozy for me. I had to prep for my first jewelry event. It was a SMASH, BTW! Added some cheese to my nest egg   I've fallen off on the food journal over the last week (online), but have been writing it down in a notebook. i'm still on track. Pretty proud, too. Down 2 more lbs!   I'll be back in regular posting mode this week.   take a moment to check out the other part of my life here:    
vanishingvixen

vanishingvixen

3
 

Get outta my belly! (and reduced fat cottage cheesy thighs)

Seems like my post-revolt body didn't take too kindly to the Nemo Patty I had for dinner last night. Dude, my system had NO problem trying to evict that joint & all its baggage. *whew* Then, today, with my "healthy" lunch (rice w/veggies & chix, yummy waldorf salad, cherry pepsi zero), I wanted a handful of my "favorite" UTZ Smokin Sweet potato chips. 5 chips in, I realized that wasn't a good idea. *bubble guts* I guess that's a good thing. My body is reminding me to stay focused, even when my cravings are saying "Might I have another, please?" *in my best Madonna/british accent* Interesting how that works, huh? Now, if I could just find a pair of full body swimming SPANX (complete w/a pair of Tina Turner legs - because even "reduced fat" cottage cheese is still too much for some to digest)... A fatgirl can dream, can't she??
vanishingvixen

vanishingvixen

1
 

A rose by any other name...

Vanishing Vixen.   Vanishing…   An interesting choice of adjectives for my new serial blogger moniker... as pointed out to me yesterday. I was asked if I would be “disappearing” my personality as well as my weight. :bored: *straightface* And was told (by someone that has known me for almost 20yrs) that I seem to be letting this journey get the best of me already...as if I plan to "vanish" into nothingness, or become a shrinking violet (AS IF!)*because* I'm so used to being a Big, Bold, Bodacious (sometimes brash, and VERY bossy *lol*) woman. Maybe the adjectives (all but the "big") that alot folk -self included- seem to think of me as… will indeed vanish when the weight starts coming off.   *really ruminating & marinating on the implications*   I mean, how much of my personality has been tied to my size? And has it been that way to mask insecurity, or just an extra measure of attention whorism? I have a hard time believing either of the two, really. While I do like to be complimented when I go the extra mile to be fully fabulous :tt1:(most of the time – yesterday, I looked like “Who slew Auntie Rue?” ‘s GRANDMOTHER *ugh*) , or my face beat like I'm a MAC Make-up artist, or I'm rocking some of my hottest GGX Jewels...what woman wouldn't want to be appreciated for her appearance? In fact, its also been pointed out that I have a hard time taking a compliment, and by NO means wish to be the center of attention when in a crowd or otherwise (unless we are talking about with my man, in the boudoir *smirk* :tt2:) Go figure. But... $h!t, I am who the hell I am. I AM cute. I AM sexy. I AM fabulous...I just haven't been feeling it as much lately. *shrug*   It’s really made me think about this mental/emotional space I'm in. Does my larger-than-life, feisty personality seem to be shrinking (or vanishing, so to speak) much like I want my body to do? It’s been said that I seem to have been extremely hard on myself lately (more particularly, the last 6-9 mnths) in terms of my confidence, etc.   Why is that?   The fat ugly truth is a number of varied & sundry things. Alot not even having anything to do with my weight/size, so much as it has to do with other areas of my life. Some of which are totally unrelated, but are stressors none-the-less. I'm a wife (to man that works nights), still a relatively new "MeMe" (as she calls me) to a rambunxious lil 22mnt old squirt, I have a fairly stressful 9-5 career, on top of a jewelry biz that requires a lot of my time if I'm ever to make a go of it (why? Because *I* personally make everything myself. I’m not pushing other ppl’s wares, here). And a lot of times I feel ill-equipped to handle any of it - let alone all of it at once. *wooosahhhhh* So yeah, all of the combined stress (add to it this suck-@$$ economy) has a way of knockin a sistah off her game - in more ways than one. :tt2: So what on the surface may seem like one thing, is a culmination of others. And of course…I know. Things could ALWAYS be worse, so I AM grateful for my many blessings. There have just been a few "ah ha!" moments over the past year in particular, that made me realize that I am sooooo far from where I want (or planned) to be in my life at 35. Weight/health included. It be’s that way sometime. *shrug, again*   IDK...   Is it even really that serious? *lol*   I'm hormonal this week. That may account for some of the bloggarhea today. Sometimes I just can't get out of my own head. But that doesn't make me crazy...it makes me human. And blogging it...helps me *relax.relate.release* it all. I'm not scared of what people will think of me for showing who I truly am. Good, bad, ugly, indifferent, confident, insecure, wealthy, poor, encouraged, defeated. It is what it is...and I am who I am. And what I've realized more than anything in my 5 or so years of bloggerdom, is that the folks who generally "seem" to have their $h!t together...don't. *lol* and sometimes are even more screwed up inside/in their life than me, or than they may ever let on to the world. The playing field is even, if you ask me.:glare: But nobody did [ask]... Oh well!   I’m keeping on…keeping on…
vanishingvixen

vanishingvixen

5
 

Fatty Girl Food Journal

Check it out here: http://vanishingvixen.wordpress.com/category/food-journal/   NOTE:   What I'm eating may "seem" like alot - but TRUST - this is but a mere fraction of what I used to eat. I was given the advice to journal everything I eat, cut my portions & add water. (thanks @btrieger :thumbup:) I also check out my food choices on this site: http://caloriecount.about.com/
vanishingvixen

vanishingvixen

3
 

The Break Up *sigh*

Today, my love affair with food ended. He has always been the one constant in my life. And like any other relationship I've had, we'll probably try to make it work a few more times, before it resonates in my spirit that... it. is. indeed. OVER. Not because I want it to be, but because it HAS to be. *sigh*What once consumed almost every thought & desire...will give way to a new, enlightened way of thinking, living, and being.     Health, is my NEW man. The lover of my soul and my future. Gone will be the days of secretly spooning in the bed with and entire bag of UTZ Sour Cream & Onion chips, or making out with my homegirl Lil' Deb *holla*. I'll have to pass on the cupcakeS, and be content with just one, on occasion - Not the 3 or 4 or 7 a week as I have done in the past.     And like any relationship when it ends, I have to look at myself in the mirror as a newly "single" woman, wipe away the tears, and acknowledge how difficult the road ahead would be without my tried & true Lover. Food has been there at the ready to comfort me through it all: the heartache, the heart break, disappointments, and even the times of celebration. But now, I have to learn to put the relationship in it's proper place: one of necessity, not over-indulgence... One of sustenance, not sabotage.       Of course, I still have to meet up with food - a more casual relationship of sorts. I just can no longer take it as my "one & only". *sigh*     It's been a long time coming. 15 years or more. It was inevitable. And no matter how I've tried to fight it, I knew that at some point in life I would have to choose. I'll take an infamous line from Samantha Jones here (Sex & The City, SHEESH!):       [Dear Food,]     "I love you...But I love ME more." *xoxo*     Yours in Health & Fabulousness,     Vixen
vanishingvixen

vanishingvixen

6
 

5lbs down on Surgi Consult Day *woot*

// Preface: I’m sitting in McDonald’s THOROGHLY enjoying the Filet-o-fish I’ve been craving. Not guilty, not ashamed. Twas my reward for losing 5lbs since 3/1/10. Now, the loss coulda been attributed to the little revolt my body staged over the past 3 days, but I was determined to get me that tasty brick-o-minced Nemo. I know – I have a long way to go, but little “rewards” like this, make it easy to keep going. All I have to do is keep doing what I’ve done the past 2 wks – make better, healthier daily choices, ramp up the physical activity, and keep my eyes on the prize. All the while still allowing treats for mini-victories along the way. Carpe Diem & Viva la Fishie! :wink2://         Now, today was my surgical consult. Long story short, it marked the official start of part 1 of my journey (pre-approval) :thumbup:. On 3/29, I have my Pulmonary Consult, 4/5 my sleep study, 4/6 starts the 1st of the 3-month multi-disciplinary weight-loss program required by my insurance company.           It’s amazing how fairly quickly this is all coming together. There is still a lot of work to be done (on my end, in terms of eating habits, exercising, etc), but knowing is half the battle. And if all goes according to plan, I’m looking at a surgery date somewhere around mid-late August. *woot*           I will say, the surgeon suggested that "gastric bypass would probably be the better option" for me since ideally *he* would like to see me lose 125-130#. I get it. BUT, he said that I need to make the decision I feel is best for me…and that is what I’m doing. So lap band, it is. I was told to expect the weightloss of about 80-100lbs over the next 12-18mnths, and that (plus any additional is still up to me and my “new healthier lifestyle”) I CAN gain all the weight back if I don’t stay on the path *duly noted*         I can’t begin to say how excited I am. How nervous. How elated. How scared. How…EVERYTHING I am. I just know that whatever happens…there is no turning back Not now. Not ever…:tongue2:         Besides, Geeyonce waits for no one. The rebirth is upon us. Followed by The unveiling, coming to a blog near you: May 2011. *giggety giggety*         P.s. After eliminating white sugar from my diet for 2 wks, the McD’s sweet tea was too much for my tastebuds *blech* NEVER thought I’d see the day I could/would give that up. Only 5 swigs, and I was d.un. Ill take unsweetend w/splenda from here on out… Pls &thk u!
vanishingvixen

vanishingvixen

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Phine, RE-defined... (cross-post. original date 2/25/2010)

10/2009   Take a good look. This is what Morbid Obesity looks like.   Let me preface this by saying that at first I was going to keep it all a hush-hush big super secret squirrel secret. But I figured blogging would not only help me chronicle my journey, but serve as a sounding board. Of course I run the risk of opening myself up to criticism and negativity. But I figured…they talked about Jesus they’ll talk about me too. And what’s more is – I really don’t give a rat’s sweaty nads. *shrug*     With that said… I’ve never had a problem with being full-figured. In fact, I’ve embraced it. It’s a part of the me that I’ve been proud to be. Even flaunted my curves. And its not like I’ve been starved for attention. Most…well, a lot (only basing on what I’ve been told) of men (women too) think that I’m (are you ready for this?) SEXY. I’m not bragging at all…but can you imagine? Me, at 298lbs…on a 5′3″ frame. What doctors frown at in disapproval. What some people in public look at in disgust…but yet others…desire. To this day. As recently as an hour ago.   8/2008       *smh kinda confused* Admittedly, I’ve thought the same thing for a long time. My self esteem has remained in its proper sometimes over-elevated place. The men folk (husband included) never seemed to have had a problem with it, so I never had a problem with it…     Until now. I’m at my biggest ever. Almost 30lbs more than I weighed when I was 9 months pregnant (2 years ago). I’m uncomfortable. I don’t like what I see in the mirror any more. My feet hurt. My knees ache. (ironically enough, the VERY reason why working out has been such a chore – that aside from time: 9-5 job, jewelry biz, almost 2 year old daughter, and a hubby that works nights/weekends). And now, my once high (sometimes too high) self esteem has taken a nosedive. So what to do??     9/2002       I’ve done the diets, the shakes, the cleanses, the “lifestyle change”, the pills, the work-out regimen, etc… Something has to be done. NOW. So after about 6 months of mulling it over, I’ve opted to have the LAP-BAND®®® surgery. In fact, that’s the entire reason for this blog. My goal is 75-100lbs. Realistically, at 200lbs, I’ll still be +size…but ALOT better off than I am now.     I’m making a decision to better my life, and thereby, my family’s life. I will learn healthier habits to pass on to my daughter and share with my husband, as well as actually be around a lot longer to see her grow up, and grow into the olden golden years with her daddy. This vixen, is about to change her game up, for good.     I have my physical exam and initial info session at the Bariatric Surgeon’s office on Monday. Then comes the consult to chart the path forward, counseling, etc. I will join the Million Pound Challlenge to help get me started on the right track. But that’s Monday – and it’s going to be a life-changing day. So this weekend, I’m gettin it in. *lol* I’m gonna eat what I want…probably for the last time (at least for a long time); Celebrate my 35th bday (late, bc of all the snow) and celebrate in anticipation of a new life and a new, even sexier, healthier me… I’m excited.     I can only pray that by sharing this journey, it will garner some support & encouragement from friends, acquaintances, and strangers alike. But even if it doesn’t, it’s no skin off my teeth. I’m CERTAIN that my words will touch or encourage SOMEONE out there.   1/2010     Beauty can be found at ANY size. From a size 6 to 26. However, HEALTH cannot. And that’s all its about for me. Taking off some pounds to add some years to my life. Phine, re-defined… *sexy grin*
vanishingvixen

vanishingvixen

3
 

shEmotions

**enters the room singing to the tune of Whitney’s “So emotional”: I get sooooo emotional baybe, everytime I think of FOOOOOOOOOD! **   Happy Friday faithful few -   Yesterday was an emotional doozy. At least the last half was. That tends to happen when things are really going well. When I’m mentally & spiritually focused and on my grind. But such as life. The devil is a micky-flickin LIYAH!! *tripple dawg daring him to even THINK about looking my way today* He gets NO play over here. :thumbdown:   This here post will serve as a reminder that no matter the circumstances, I (we) can make better food choices. It bears repeating that I am mostly a total emotional eater. In order to stay my course, I have to break that cycle. (more like forcing myself into submission via suplex, then headlock)   See, for me – here’s how it works for me: quite simply…if I don’t keep it in the house (ie: snack cakes, junkfood, unhealthy snacks, soda, whatever) I can’t get to it when $h!t goes down. If I keep healthier foods in the house, I won’t sabatoge myself when I’m on a mad dash to shove something in my mouth in an effort to self-soothe. :tt1:   It sounds really simple, huh? Not so much. But in theory, its what I know will work for me. If its not there, I can’t gorge/graze on it. If I just HAVE to put something in my mouth, it will be something that I know won’t totally derail me. Besides, I’ve found there are plenty of treats to sate my oral fixation & sweet tooth. Fudgepops are one good indulgence (its not my fault it shaped like a phallus, but hey that could be considered a benefit *shrug*) :tt2: Low fat. And/or fat free at 40-60 cals a pop. Even if I eat 3 (which I haven’t *lol*) no skin off my teeth. And also those 100 mini bags of stuff likr choco pretzels, or cookies, or what have you.   I’m no expert, but I DAMN sure know that a night like last night would have sent me running back into my ex-Lover’s arms. :drool: Me & some cupcakes or a whole quart of ice cream would have be getting. It. IN. *going churchified* But I rebuke thee, oh Devils of Deliciousness. Get thee behind me, Little Debbie, you Jezebel! You Harlot!   Woooosahhhh. :closedeyes: It all alright. I woke up this morning feeling good. I know that there will be plenty more opportunities for me to screw up. But yesterday wasn’t the day. (And today won’t be either *hmph*)
vanishingvixen

vanishingvixen

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Sick & Tired. In that order. Literally...

Yesterday, I was overcome by some type of "bug" out of the blue. Vomitting, hershey squirts, intense abdominal pain, fever...all seemingly out of nowhere, in the middle of the day. I didn't eat anything strange...and it seems to have passed.   My husband mentioned that it "could" possibly be the recent changes in my eating. Has this happened to anyone? I haven't "officially" started my physician approved diet because my surgical consult isn't until Monday...but I HAVE drastically changed my eating habits, and will continue for the duration (3-4 small healthy meals/day, water, increase in fruit & veggies, etc)   Has this happened to anyone???
vanishingvixen

vanishingvixen

2
 

Random

// Note: from time to time I will be promoting my side hustle - GGX Jewels...as it also plays a part in paying for my surgery out-of pocket expenses and body lift nest egg. Please support your lovable neightborhood Fat Girl! // Be one of the first to subscribe to the new GGX You Tube channel and you could win a FREE pair of Sterling Silver earrings! Hop to it!
vanishingvixen

vanishingvixen

1
 

To help pay for surgery...

(and a possible body lift, after I've kept the wait off for a year or more)...I will be on my super grind making jewelry (this of course, is in addition to my FT 9-5 job) check it out... especially for the ladies that are feeling EXTRA fine in their new bodies :thumbup:: www.ggxjewels.com   Also - for those that have already had the surgery...what type of out of pocket expenses did you incur? I'm trying to build me a little LBS nest egg during my 6-9 month wait...
vanishingvixen

vanishingvixen

3
 

Are you ready? Nah, I don't think so...

*entering the room dancing to Destiny's Child singing "I don't think ya readdddy fa this jelllllyyyy"*       Ok, so. I know that I have some concerns about my post-weight loss body. But realistically, looking at me bucket nayket now aint no picnic either :closedeyes: (maybe for my husband, bless him wittle heart). I know I can’t stand too much of my own self. Things jiggle and sag and weeble-wobble now. So, I’m not naïve enough to think that just because I lose some poundage, means that I’m gonna turn into Beyonce…Gee’once, maybe *smirk*, but I digress…         ALTHOUGH, in my mind…I’ve fast-forwarded about a year or so. And I can actually SEE a smaller, more healthy me. :thumbup:I’ve never been there before. And mayhaps that was the problem. *shrug* What I do know, is my saggalicious, droopylicious self is STILL gonna revel in how far I’ve come & gone. Ill hook up the breasticles in a new LB balconette bra and make them shine like the stars they are. I’ll coax the SPANX that ill have to sweet talk into undertaking the monumental task of turning “flab into fab”. Buy a new figure-friendly LBD, and perhaps I may be able to throw on a pair of sexy high heels long enough to turn a few heads and strut the “Skank [Ho] Walk” I learned in my Urban Striptease workout (gotta love On Demand cable program. Exercise TV is awesomeness) *head nod*     :rolleyes:Yup. I justttttt miiiight.       Btw – my bosslady (who also has WLS and looks fabulous) said to *possibly* expect the ending or stressing of friendships/familial relationships and possible spousal jealousy. *exaggerated sigh*     I really have been blessed in terms of my family & friends, so I don’t anticipate that area being an issue for me. But I guess any & everything is possible. Prayerfully those in my corner will stay there – even when I’m too high off my own supply *innocent grin* I know my tried & true peeps will chin-check me quick & without hesitation *lol*     This whole experience is reminding me of when I was with-child. So excited and anticipatory. Wondering “when am I gonna see my baby bump” “when can I finally hold my baby”. All that stuff I worried everyone to death about…and then one day: bam – She was here! The only thing that’s different is that this experience will end with a REbirth…of self. Saggy. Jiggly. Jellified.       So, yeah. I’m ready. But I’m not certain the world is.*pondering for a brief moment*     NaHhhhh. I don’t think ANY one is ready fa THIS jelly. :tt1:
vanishingvixen

vanishingvixen

4
 

Out of Sorts

if I’m just horomonal this week, or if it’s just a combination of so much going on in my life at one time. But I’m feeling like I’m crazy to think ill ever be “size healthy” (thanks to my girl Aja S. For that term *lol*) Now, I’ve always been comfortable being a “Size Sexy” chick (ie: “Good looking & well put together for a Plus-sized woman”. I heard LL Cool J use that term about 5 yrs ago while hosting the +size portion of the Rip the Runway fashion show on BET) in theory, at least – until recently. Not how I looked, but literally…how I felt/feel in my skin/clothes. If you know me/have seen me personally, I do, in fact carry this 300# well. I think that’s why some folks (excluding my closest friends) were shocked when they found out I was going to have WLS. The general response even from my nurses at the Dr’s office was: “But why? You look good girl! Now you tryna get all skinny?” No. I’m not trying to get skinny. I’m unconcerned with being a size 8 or 10 or even 12 for that matter. In fact, personally…I’d be most comfortable in the size 14-16 range (at whatever weight). I just want to be healthy is whatever ways that is. Taking off some of this dead weight, eating healthier, and being more active. Thereby increasing my lifespan (prayerfully) The “out of sorts” part comes in b/c as I’ve said, I’ve been doing a lot of research about the Lap Band. I joined a LB forum and have been communicating with lots of folks, and reading their personal journeys. Most, I’d say 80% have done extreamly well (versus gastric bypass, or the gastric sleeve that are also available). Then there are some, who’s weightloss is so slight (10lbs in a 3 month time period) that the whole thing seems pointless. *sigh* I just hope & pray that I’m not one that this is just a wasted effort. A moot experience altogether… Oh, I know what probably brought on this sudden moodswing of mine also. I went & bought a scale last night so that I can monitor my progress. *straightface* All my efforts of the past week have resulted in gaining a pound. WTF!? Working out, eating significantly smaller portions and controlling my fat intake. Drinking 64oz water each day. 3 square meals + nutricious snacks. Then my husband gets on the scale and has lost 5lbs – the only change in his eating has been a salad or two. *pulling my hair out* Needless to say, the scale is going back to the store – lest it discourages me to the point of journey derailment. So goes the life and ramblings of a Fat Girl…
vanishingvixen

vanishingvixen

4
 

"Now I lay me down to eat..."

“…I’m full but want a tasty treat…”   *sigh*   Undoubtedly, my "midnight feedings" – in which I pace in the kitchen & look for that special something to satisfy & sate (usually something sweet), usually between the hours of 11pm-1am – are the hardest part of this journey for me.   I remember a time in the not too distant past that I would run the water in the kitchen to drown out the sound of my cabinet rummaging and cellophane paper wrap krinkling from the little debbie snack I’d try to sneak back into the bedroom.   I should be ashamed *hangs head*:thumbup:   I think its a step forward that I’m starting to notice my patterns and put an end to them. I’m sure there’s always a chance to relapse, but at least by not keeping the junk in the house anymore, my choices are limited. Of course, I will ALWAYS and FOREVER keep the obligatory chocolate candy bar stashed away “in case of emergency”…but even then, it’s just ONE bar, not an entire bag of mini’s   Old habits die hard, its true. But new habits live in the light, to be nourished and cultivated into a way of life.   I can do this. I. WILL. DO. THIS.   *praying* “Jesus be an appetite suppresant”   *then singing and channeling Carried Underwood*   Jesus, take the wheel…
vanishingvixen

vanishingvixen

3
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