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Slow Recovery to the Same Old, Same Old...

Just a little over a week from my surgery. I was understandably tired and couch surfing for a couple of days but was really surprised to find how tired I was even after resuming my normal activities. Each day I've been able to go a bit longer before finally having to say, "Enough". It's really disconcerting to find yourself breaking a sweat by simply making the bed!   My band removal surgery ended up being a hiatel hernia repair. The steri strips are still in place and the bruising has gone yellow. Really didn't have much post-surgical pain. Still have this peculiar lump at the base of my throat and am thankful I have my post-op visit tomorrow to find out what this is. Surgical boo-boo?   My discharge paperwork didn't really give me much to go on regarding what I should eat post-op. "Clear liquids...progess to normal diet.." really doesn't provide much help. Went online and WebMD has two weeks clear liquid only and so on until the SIX Week mark where supposedly you're able to eat a normal diet. Confusing.   How am I? Belching after even a sip of water. Any drink sounds like a slow drain gurggling down. Annoying cough to the point I'm tasting blood in the back of my throat. Acid reflux. Pain across back and jaw when I eat - even yogurt. Discharge instructions say it's okay for me to take my usual scripts and multi-vitamins - it now takes me half and hour to get them down and I've got to be standing to do it. I have to fight the urge to vomit them back up as they seem to stick with that horrid bitter medicine taste. Still can't eat while wearing a bra. Everything I do eat has that stuck, 'stop & drop' feeling, but as my husband pointed out, "At least you're not vomiting!". True, but that's more to do with my prior experience and now having restriction to the point of knowing at one bite that if I try another, it's going to be a problem. Incredible restriction considering I have an 11cc band with nothing in it.   Yes, the band is just a tool, but not every tool works for everybody. I'm wondering if there's something structurally different about me that's making the band a poor choice for me. I wasn't able to have post-mastectomy reconstruction because my body rejected the tissue expanders. I had an allergic reaction to my eyeglass arms and nose piece. Periodically the area around my port erupts with a strange itchy rash that requires extra antihistimines to bring under control. Having a stent in my ureter following kidney stone removal resulted in two weeks of painfilled hell beyond the normal discomfort as it felt like my body was trying to squeeze the damn thing out.   Here I sit, back at my desk with my hand up my blouse pulling my bra away from my chest as I belch after a couple of sips of coffee. As noted before - Same old, same old! Today's client lunch should be a riot!
RavenClaw779

RavenClaw779

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Name Change

Yes - Changed my screen name. Thought I was being clever "JaxNole88" refering to the last vacation (Jackson Hole, WY) I enjoyed before I was really plus sized (1988). Got too many strange inquires so I decided to go even more obscure.   RavenClaw779 - Was it my "house" at Hogwarts:tongue2:? Or is it a part of a line from a poem(song) by a famous singer? Did I weigh 779 pounds? Things that make you go "hmmm"!   Ponder on dear readers...
RavenClaw779

RavenClaw779

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**Warning - Off WLS Topic -Weasels from the Past

My senior year in college I dated a graduate student. It was my first head-over-heels love affair. I was 21; he was 26. Never was the line, "Hindsight is always 20/20!" more true and now more than two decades later I Thank God for the un-answered prayer titled, "Oh please let us get back together...".   Right from the start, my friends could not stand Alex. As one pal put it, "His arrogance is only exceeded by his condescension"...or was it the other way around!?! His "friends" had a similar vibe and would ask me what I saw in him. Several weeks into dating me he was let go from his internship at due to a "personality conflict" - of course according to Alex it wasn't his fault; they were against him. I had an uncomfortable feeling then as I would several weeks later when he roughed up a fellow lacrosse player who ribbed him for a missed goal.   Alex played into my insecurities with ruthless skill. Based on my old photos, I would've been considered "cute" maybe even "pretty" and I weighed about 125-130. At that time though, I didn't think I was any of those things and agonized over my weight.   We'd probably been going out less than a month when Alex dropped me off at my dorm after a date. I still remember stepping out of his car as he made a comment along the lines of,"...if you think you're the most beautiful girl in the world, you're sadly mistaken...!". Of course he'd already informed me that he hadn't found me that attractive when he first met me, so this comment while a real kick in the gut wasn't that surprising.   My nieces can't believe I didn't "kick'em to the curb" then and there. Goes to my lack of self-esteem at the time.   As it was, we dated for about six months. I put graduate school on hold because he didn't know where he'd(we - as he implied)get a job. I starved myself because he had no problems advising me at intimate moments that he'd seen me, "looking slimmer in that teddie". I cooked and baked for him only to have him complain that boxed brownie mix was so much better and on one memorable occasion, throw a fit because there were bones in a piece of fish I'd broiled.   Stir into this pot my meddling mother who between trying to live my life for me and engineer our break up was telling me she'd never forgive me I "screwed up" this relationship(she thought Alex was a "catch") and telling him he wasn't good enough for me(well - that was true:w00t:).   Right around graduation time, I found a faux-diamond ring in a Tiffany box on his desk. Since he only bought the best for himself I don't know whether he was going to try to pass it off as the real deal or if it was left there for me to find and either get upset about or give me a clue. I never acknowledged finding it. This was a guy who told me he'd never send me flowers, because then I'd "expect it all the time".   He broke up with me three weeks before graduation. Looking back, I can see how he'd planned the whole thing. There was no concrete "reason" ... he "didn't know what he was going to do with his life", and he "couldn't stand my family"...   Oh he wanted us to stay "friends", but he "too busy" attend my graduation ceremony. Me being the doormat I was back then - went to his. His parents didn't even know he'd dumped me! One of his classmates made the comment to me that "...you don't realize it now, but you dodged a bullet..."   I moved home to Virginia and from the day after I got home he was calling me and sending me job notices from the city he landed in - but never came out and said he wanted us to be together again. Like an idiot, I got a job and moved in with one of my sorority sisters who lived in the area. Quasi-dating lasted three months and we split up again. A month or so later I'd realized I was better off without him and had been accepted to grad school at UVA for the fall term, so I was packing to move back home when he called and wanted me to pick up some things I'd left at his apartment. I should've never gone over.   He'd been drinking and wanted to know why I hadn't called in over a month? Who had I been seeing? You can guess where it went from there - I got to see the same side of Alex that his former lacrosse teammate saw - and a trip to the ER from my roomie-sister - though I had only minor physical injuries.   So jump ahead twenty some odd years. My 21-year-old niece is home from college for the summer and I'm telling her this tale. She wonders if Alex is on FaceBook. I'd prefer not to think of Alex so I never looked - but to amuse her we did. Oh - he's on there and guess who one of his Facebook buddies is - my old roomie-sister..who only knew him because she knew me...and knew what he did and said to me...Two Weasels from the Past!
RavenClaw779

RavenClaw779

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One Blissful Month...

When the swelling finally went down - about the third week in July - I was finally able to eat normally. Didn't go crazy, but was able to eat all those things that had become impossible due to "Jill's Rules"(see prior blog entries for details). I ate salad, had a steak, had pizza- had everything I wasn't able to eat for over a year. Actually got to go out to lunch with my girlfriends! Continued tracking my WW points and was feeling great...until the end of August.   Invited to dinner at a friend's house - yet another experience I'd largely had to either pass on or do my fake-out food shuffle around the plate routine. The roast was a bit tough, but with no fill, drinking with meal, I was able to get it down. That was until the drive home, where I started gagging, sliming and couldn't get to the bathroom fast enough for a prolonged period of vomiting.   It's been down hill since then. Pretty much any solid food creates the pain across the lower jaw and shoulders. Every episode results in an upper abdomen swelling that looks like I'm pregnant. Back to not being able to eat while wearing a bra. Back to the protein shakes, yogurt, cottage cheese...zzzz. Maybe if they made savory yogurts instead of just sweets - LOL   Next appointment isn't until October ("soonest available") - not that there's anything that can be done. There's no fill in the band. Dreading what I know my WLS is going to want to do...more pricey tests and re-tests that I can't afford.   I was warned that this might not resolve the problem and that in the future I'd likely need to have it removed. Just don't know if my insurance would cover it or if I could even swing another $500 co-pay, time off from work, surgery/recovery. Guess I'm just happy to have the memory of that one month.
RavenClaw779

RavenClaw779

0
 

Checking In Four Months Post Band Removal

Definitely over-enjoyed my band freedom and regained 17 pounds eating without abandon. Some problems persist: Pills are still tough to get down. I can eat raw carrots and radishes, but they do get a bit stuck if I'm not careful. Had to give up tomato juice - acid reflux. Have to take an antacid before eating something with tomato sauce or anything remotely greasy - surprise! turkey bacon is a bit too fatty for me. Still feel banded when I eat with a bra on   The weight gain gave me that out-of-control feeling and I started considering the gastric sleeve or the full bypass until it dawned on me that neither restricts your eating persay. It might take you longer to get it down and you might end up vomiting or dumping, but if you're an emotional and/or binge eater, you're likely to press on. Actually started missing my band with the thought that at least it kept me from blossoming back to 283. Then I started listening to myself and it sounded like I wasn't taking any responsibility for any of my weight issues, but I still decided I couldn't trust myself.   I mentioned to my husband that I was thinking of going to an informational seminar at a new bariatrics practice which just opened locally with a highly respected surgeon. He said he thought I was, "nuts" but he'd go with me if I really wanted to go down this road again.   Still on the fence when I got a call from an old friend who was aware I'd had the procedure, but not the complications. We got to talking. He begged me not to go through another surgery - he and his wife just lost a good friend who'd gone in for the sleeve and died several days later from a blood clot. Yes, I know, all surgery has risks but it sat in the back of my mind...   About a week later, I had lunch with a new friend who didn't know I'd had the procedure, but was aware of my apparent inability to eat much of anything. When I ordred something besides my usual soup, she mentioned it was good to see me actually eating something. This opened the door and I told her about my band experience. Her response surprised me - she commented that I was "lucky" to have made it!? Apparently, she has a friend who'd used the same surgeon as I. Her friend also was banded, and ended up in the hospital for over a month with complications. She survived but continues to have troubles. Again, Yes - I know, all surgery has risks but it sat in the back of my mind...   Yesterday sealed the deal. One of my business associates had sleeve surgery about six weeks ago. He seemed to be doing fine. We were schedule to meet yesterday afternoon to discuss a proposal. When he didn't show, I called his office. His assistant told me he'd collapsed at work in severe pain and they had to call 911. I'm still waiting to hear what happened - all I know is he's, "stable". Maybe it has nothing to do with his sleeve surgery - but is that likely?   That old saying about things happening in threes got me thinking that maybe this is a sign and I should pay attention.   I've decided it's time to parent myself. If I won't feed my nieces and nephews crap, why am I feeding it to myself?   I've begun working through various self-help books on disordered eating. One amusingly but perhaps accurately pointed out that a binge is an adult form of a temper tantrum. I'm scared, angry, not getting my own way. I'm too old to throw myself on the floor kicking and screaming, so what can I do? I'll stuff myself with the kind of food that sooths the child in me - Candy! Ice Cream! Junk Food! until I stuff down the fear, anger or disappointment. Interesting idea.   I've gone back to Weight Watchers and am embracing a more vegan diet. Not a bad idea as a cancer survivor with a family history of heart disease. I'm finding that by focusing on whole grains, limiting processed food and added sugar plus nixing coffee after 3pm, I'm not feeling bloated and sluggish. With meals in the 300-400 calorie range, I'm able to go about four hours without needing to snack. If I do need a little something, I've got string cheese, carrots, celery, fruit on hand. I don't feel guilty when I eat and I'm not skipping meals so that I get to the point that I'm ravenous and looking for candy and fast food.   Am I a saint? No. Will I slip? Of course. But when I lay the cards out on the table, I realize it's up to me to save my health.   So far, I've lost seven of the gained pounds. I'm taking it one day at a time.
RavenClaw779

RavenClaw779

0
 

Weight Watchers, Mastectomy Bras & My Band

Despite only gaining 9 pounds during chemo, my weight bounced right back up to where I was at the beginning of last year. My docs tell me the steroids can have delayed and lasting effects - great. Feeling almost like my old self most days but since starting Arimidex, I have days when I'm beat and my lower back aches like I've been digging ditches. Yet another side effect - but whew! only have to take this drug for five years! A friend got me to try Weight Watchers with her and though it's only been a few weeks, it seems to be helping. Still able to get all the protein I need - it's just so much simpler to have x amount of points to work with rather than the elaborate charts I seemed to be keeping noting protein, calories, carbs, fat etc. Well - I've tried everything else!!   On a strange note - like most women who've had mastectomies, I was professionally fitted for my special bras and prosthetics. The prosthetics add about 3 pounds of weight and are -to be blunt - HUGE! When not holstered, I tend to leave them laying on my bed where they look like two wrinkle breasts just fell off and landed. When worn - gee, it's just as great as wearing a bra before - still having to pull up my right strap while tugging down on the left. It's the first thing off when I get home - just like before. The really strange thing though is that I can't eat while wearing the bra - ANYTHING - and I'm throwing up. I first noticed this when I had to wear a compression bra post-surgery and was throwing up yogurt. Apparently the bra band in combination with the lap band creates some sort of vacuum. This is really great as I now have to either avoid going out to eat, go out wearing a big sweater and no bra, or find a creative way to unhook my bra before eating. Thankfully when I don't eat in public everyone assumes it's because of my band - I just don't admit its the OUTSIDE band...
RavenClaw779

RavenClaw779

0
 

Fill#5

In the immortal words of Gomer Pyle, "Shazam!" Made you laugh didn't I!:tt2: So Fill #5 - I had been scheduling my appts for Friday afternoons think that especially in the summer, things are a little less busy and surely I'll be back before 3pm...but for the last four visits, my surgeon's practice is always running late and I never make it back to the office at a decent time, or have waited so long to eat that I end up with a migraine... SO...this time I took Monday off and scheduled a mid-morning appt. What a refreshing surprise..no crowds, no stressed out nurse or PA - I was in and out in 20 minutes. The "fill" ended up being an Unfill - saw a different PA this time and she actually listened to what I was telling her...how my incidents of vomiting have increased including throwing up sipped liquid...how I'm not losing but feel like all I can eat is safe(very crunchy or soft and melting) and dangerous(calorie-wise)...how I am always hungry and my stomach is growling so loudly it's embarassing...how at a family dinner the other night I had three pinky tip bites of med-rare filet mignon, two small slices of baked zucchini and a teaspoon of corn and felt uncomfortable with pain in my throat and upper chest. An awful feeling coupled with the fact that my lower stomach was telling me, "Eat - I'm hungry!" while my brain was saying, "God - please don't let me spit up at the table!" Half an hour later, I was able to eat...dessert - which was a texture I could manage, but not an appropriate energy source on it's own. I guess I should've realized something was off when the night before my fill, I was getting ready for bed, took my Crestor(very small pill) with a couple sips of water on an empty stomach, went to brush my teeth, felt nauseous and tossed my cookies - except there were no "cookies" - it was all water.   My hide is still chapped with regard to my surgeon's practice...the PA would not tell me how much was in my band, "A little over 5cc's..." or how much she took out. I live over an hour from my bariatric center. In an emergency I'm going to my local hospital which is less than five minutes from my house. I also travel quite a bit on business. I'd think that in an emergency I should be able to tell the responding docs what I've got in my body in case they need to take it out. If they'd tell me what's in the band, I'd even put it on a sticky flag with the band card in my wallet in case I was incapacitated. Just seems like common sense to me. Couple that with the $485 the practice just billed my insurance carrier for my last fill...billed as "surgery" ?! and I am moving forward with looking for another bariatric practice for my follow up care.   Why the Unfill? Well, I guess even with as little as I had in my 11cc band, it was too much and the vomiting, the pain after a few bites, the slight cough should've been a tip off. That afternoon after my unfill, I felt the best I had since Fill #4 - other than the extreme belching and burping. I'm eating what I should, feeling a bit more in control(thanks in part to my self-directed therapy), and haven't felt sick and fatigued! :thumbup:   I have to go back in two weeks...
RavenClaw779

RavenClaw779

0
 

Surgery Scheduled

The band will be coming out the first week of July. I am a bit sad(that it failed) and worried(that I'll pack it back on), but I have learned better portioning, and better control over emotional eating, so I'll try to be optimistic. Been following Weight Watchers and cut out all my slider/excuse foods so my weight is back down to ye olde plateau of 223. Still better than the 285 I was. I have a 15 pound cat who likes to be picked up like a baby. Just picking him up is a reminder of how what seems like a small amount of weight is quickly felt. Feel like a need a back support just hoisting him up from the floor! LOL   As I sit here at my desk - dressed; jeans,bra etc., I feel like I have acid reflux, and the last time I ate was over three hours ago. So that old bra + band double restriction with no fill in an 11cc band is reinforcement that it needs to go. I wonder what I'd be dealing with if I had a significant amount of fill in the band. Ah - never mind - too scary to think about!   So now with a BMI of 37.1, I would not qualify for WLS. Not sure how the Type 2 DM would play out - I am one, but my A1C is almost that of a non-diabetic. Wonder what would happen if I decide to proceed with a gastric sleeve?
RavenClaw779

RavenClaw779

0
 

It's Working!

Yes! Between my dietary counsel from my NUT and the band, the scale has finally started moving and even with just 4cc in my 11cc band I can sense when I'm full. Was actually able to enjoy a modest meal of Chinese take-out last night. What's working for me is not neccessarily the standard "3 meals - no snacks" approach. My NUT has me on a meal plan structured for me which includes real foods(inc veggies and salad), carbs(limited - not zero) and an 8oz glass of moo juice(skim) half an hour after each meal. I use it to take my vitamins. My NUT gives me lots of reading material the latest being the Journal of the American Dietetic Association - April 2010 edition (Understanding the Impact of Bariatric Surgery). One over reaching theme of everything I've read is that there is no hard and fast rule on post procedure nutrition/meal planning and the ADA is trying to nail down specific recs to be made. That said - this works for me and it feels like it's a good mesh(for now) of proper nutrition, willpower and the band.
RavenClaw779

RavenClaw779

0
 

Checking In

LapBand + bad cold = weight loss! Just kidding - but it's too bad no one ever came up with a non-surgical solution to over eating.   Still hate shopping, but made myself go. Found a pair of great chocolate tweed lined slacks - size 18. Figured they wouldn't fit but they did. Needless to say I did a lot more shopping. Am now a L/XL(misses) on top and 18/20- maybe 1X on the bottom. Finally got rid of the sweatpants my husband said made me look like I was channelling MC Hammer. Another big step for me - actually wearing colors other than BLACK!   Visiting with my RD the other day. She attended a conference where I group of bariatric docs were talking about the "disappointing" success rate with WLS and how gastric banding can serve as "training wheels" for the new gastric sleeve procedure. Very expensive set of training wheels!
RavenClaw779

RavenClaw779

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