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Ashamed to Admit It

I am starving. I am finding that a 1/4 - 1/2 cup of mush does nothing for me and I'm hungry 45 minutes later. I am finding I can eat things like chocolate(melts in your mouth), ice cream and oddly enough - Doritos(crunch down to nothing). So I've gained 3 pounds. I have no fill so the hungry doesn't surprise me but I am disappointed that after the sheer agony of the three month pre-surgical diet, I am cheating. Am I bored with my food choices(Hell Yes!) Is it a good excuse - No. Fill day can't come soon enough - maybe in the meantime my doctor could prescribe a good appetite suppressant!?!
RavenClaw779

RavenClaw779

5
 

Are You Kidding Me?!?

Still smarting from the verbal slap from my surgeon and PA. "Why didn't you come in sooner if it was that bad?" has been an earworm in my brain and I've been beating myself up...maybe I've not tried hard enough...maybe it's all in my head...   Like a lot of women I put myself last before all my other "gotta do" responsibilities.   Since even with the daily hurl, my weight pretty much stayed the same from July '12 until December '12 and other than annoyance of being sick, not being able to eat in public etc., I was otherwise healthy I dragged my heels on going to the doctor. Face it - after 2011's trip down breast cancer lane, I'd had enough doctors appointments. Going to my WLS cattle market with it's deli counter vibe - "Number 86", "Number 87"...was not something to look forward to.   So I had to laugh when I got home yesterday to find a message on my voice mail advising me that my WLS,"Wasn't going to be in on X date and we've rescheduled your appointment to X...". Three weeks from now. So I guess it's okay for the Doctor to have other commitments arise but not for thePatient.   In hindsight, yeah - it is "that bad". My weight is creeping up which only half surprises me. The list of what I can't eat gets longer and longer, but we all know the slider foods work especially when you're starving, on a short deadline...   Yesterday was what I like to call "classic"...   Even my thyroid medicine which I take first thing in the morning gives me the 'stop & drop' feeling. End up throwing up six times during the course of the day on food previously "safe". Often have a delay of 30 minutes or more following eating before getting sick which can be triggered by sitting down, or bending over. Often feels like it's not only food in the pouch, but food in my stomach coming back up. I so love having to not only make sure I'm still in my pj's to eat(bra and anything fitted on my waist and nothing's going down) but also having to wait to jump in the shower. Gee - if it's a day when I need to shave my legs, gotta make sure breakfast stays down as just bending over to shave could be lethal.   Ah yes, totally normal and likely all my fault - she said, sarcastically!
RavenClaw779

RavenClaw779

1
 

Anxiety Attack

I make no secret about being claustrophobic and it's no secret that many people with claustrophobia have other anxiety issues. My first ever anxiety attack was five years ago when I was juggling a 70 hr a week job, and coordinating a 1,000 mile move for my husband and I. It happened at night - my husband was away on business. I was sitting on the couch and suddenly felt my heart pounding and like I just wanted to run...out of the house and into the dark. It passed but several days later I was working at my desk(at home - I telecommute) and it happened again. I took my BP - 150/120! I called my doctor thinking I was having a heart attack. An EKG and blood test were fine so the doctor gave me a couple of RX anti-anxiety meds and I slept for two days. The anxiety only manifests itself now when faced with closed spaces like MRI's. It tweeks me a bit for things like CT scans and really pinched for the whole CPAP event. I had a minor "attack" last night while watching TV and it's almost embarassing to recount. A Taco Bell commercial came on and I thought to myself, "I'll never be able to eat a burrito again let again a whole one..." This segued into thoughts of blockage, of no solid food, of the foreign object in my body. No, it wasn't a full blown attack - I can usually distract myself from that, but it sucks how weak willed it makes me feel. Like I haven't got my sh-- together.
RavenClaw779

RavenClaw779

2
 

And the Results Are In!

Another special experience at my WLS facility...started with patient registration advising me that despite my insurance being a PPO with no co-pay, because I hadn't yet satisfied this year's $600 deductible, they wanted $300 up front - but would settle for $100! The first intake nurse was a real charmer who while taking my BP felt the need to comment on how "blotchy" my skin is! Snow White ain't got nothing on me and when it's cold, I get flushed and blotchy on my arms. How this related to an endoscopy is beyond me. The doc was hour late for the procedure, I was left sitting in the pre-op/recovery room freezing under one little blanket while the nursing staff bitched at each other about their terrible hours, their crappy kids and where to go to lunch. Meanwhile the janitorial staff decided that in the middle of the workday was a good time to come in and take the rolling trays off to be cleaned, so some guy grabs the chart sitting on my tray, throws it on my bed and takes off with the tray. Finally get wheeled in for the procedure and it's like I'm not even there as the two attending nurses discuss some grievence they're planning to file if they don't get the shifts they want. They then proceed to discuss other patient's procedures using the patient's full names(Hello HIPPA???) and segway in to a fun discussion on episodes of choking they've treated in the ER and how that haven't been able to save everyone. The doc finally breezes in to ask a few questions and it's clear that what ever info gleem from the PA hasn't sunk in so I try to reinterate what I've got going on. Then I assume a semi-uncomfortable position, the drugs kick in and the next thing I know, I'm in recovery listening to some guy shout for a nurse..."Hello...Hello...can I please get some help - Jesus F--- Christ - does anyone work here?!" over and over until finally someone comes and acts like this patient is inconveniencing her.   Results: "Inflammation - esophagus, duodenum, stomach, ? lap band slip" Apparently a biopsy was taken and I was sent home with omeprazole and carafate the latter which I'm supposed to take a hour before each meal and at bedtime. Should be interesting as I haven't eat a real meal persay in ages! Doctor spoke with my husband who also reinterated what he's been seeing me go through. Upshot - take these meds and see you in 7-10 days.   Hope I'm not cursing myself, but as a cancer survivor, "biopsy" sends a chill down my spine!   For those wondering about what the test felt like - don't remember any of, no real sore throat to speak of, but really excessive gas and I spent the majority of the afternoon zonked out on the couch.
RavenClaw779

RavenClaw779

1
 

All Over & Back to Fat -n- Flabby

Monday, as I sat in pre-op waiting for the surgeon, I see a sign which states this particular facility has a goal of providing, "Very good care" - not "Outstanding", not "Excellent", just very good.   I don't know that I would even state that their care is "very good".   As usual, everyone on the medical team was running late. Unlike other facilities, their pre-op has no privacy so I got a good dose of people watching. Let's bring six or seven people with us, all talking loudly, with kids running every where poking their heads into other patient's waiting areas. Here's a hint to the extended family of the 300 lb + guy being prepped for gastric bypass...trotting in with a large box of doughnuts and an obese toddler in cordoroy pants so tight you could hear them rubbing together, does not signal future success for the patient!   After several attempts to get the i.v. line in, finally and painfully it's jammed in my hand. In comes my surgeon who I haven't seen since the last surgery in July. He calls me by another patient's name and asks if I followed all the prep instructions for my bypass surgery!? I laugh it off and remind him of who I am and what we're doing - "...Oh yeah - my mistake - just have so many of you all today...".   Surgery went well, but as to be expected, as this is the second time opening the same incisions in under six months, the swelling, bruising and pain is much more severe than last time. As I'm getting dressed to go home I see bright red blood all over my clothes - yes, I'm bleeding from all six steri-stripped incisions. As they bandage me up they're telling me that this is "normal". Thankfully the discharge instructions were a bit more complete than last time, unfortunately though, the script for the pain meds was written incorrectly. The error was caught when my husband dropped the scripts off at the pharmacy, but since the pharmacy was unable to reach the surgeon or his PA until the next day, I got to go almost 24 hours with nothing but OTC ibuprophan and ice packs.   It's been four days since surgery and no one from the practice has called to follow up or see how I'm doing. I did get an email telling me my follow up appointment has been moved to Christmas Eve - fabulous!   Par for the course, I'm not hungry and have pretty much just had coffee, water, broth and a few crackers and yet have managed to gain four pounds! Way to go Jill - in no time I'll be back to where I was before - the biggest gal in the room who eats less than everyone else!
RavenClaw779

RavenClaw779

3
 

All Done With Chemo

Had my last chemo treatment a week ago. Just now starting to feel a bit more like myself. My oncologist tells me the rule of thumb is to double the number of months you went through treatment and that's a rough estimate of when you'll actually feel like you did before treatment. So for me that'll be around January 2012. Lost my hair - though it is coming back already - and my eyelashes- which really sucks as I consistantly feel like I have grit in my eyes. Biggest side effect is the fatigue which varies from day to day but hasn't been so bad that I've been nonfunctional. Very proud of myself that despite being on heavy duty steroids the day before, day of and day after chemo(including extra given with the chemo), I didn't go crazy eating and only gained 9 pounds through treatment. I was warned before the last go-round in 2000 that I could gain up to 40lbs during the process - which I did plus more! I was given the same warning this time and it scared the crap out of me since I battled to get banded and have struggled to make it work. My oncologist says I can resume adjustments whenever I want, but I think I'm going to give it a month or so to settle out especially as my immune system will be compromised for awhile.   Whew - tired already - Nap Time!
RavenClaw779

RavenClaw779

4
 

Alas...It Was Just A Temporary Fix...

The symptoms got better for a short while, but flared up again, so I had an upper GI series. Could barely choke the barium down and ended up vomiting it up several hours later. Met with my surgeon's PA who reviewed the films. The band looks like it's in the right place, but there was an area of concern which might indicate the band has partially eroded. I was asked if I was "wedded" to my band - not if it's eroding my body parts! Now the surgeon wants to do an EGD. Guess this is usually done at the same time as they go in to effect any repairs or removal, but mine will be done as a "look see" as the surgeon doesn't think the problem is serious... *Reflux is back *Vomiting *Still can't eat with a bra on *Still takes an hour to get a meal down *Still have to more or less stand to eat   ...but hey, none of that is serious...can't wait to do my next business lunch, where I whip off my bra and stand through the entire meal!
RavenClaw779

RavenClaw779

2
 

Admitting I'm a Binge Eater

When I'd finally reached the end of my rope with my weight last fall and began the process of considering and applying for WLS one of the things my surgical practice required was an "essay" on why I wanted WLS. I posted that essay at the beginning of my blog. One thing I commented about myself somewhat laughingly was that I am a "bulimic who doesn't vomit", thinking that I was a rare bird or that I didn't really have a problem. Recently, my NUT recommended, OVERCOMING Binge Eating by Dr. Christopher Fairburn. What an eye-opener! I'm not uncommon and I'm not alone. Sadly, I never felt comfortable telling my doctors about my secret problem. I'm a classic Type-A; organized, perfectionist, Miss-do-it-all, not willing to admit weakness. In fact these are traits often possessed by a bulimic/binge eater. Handling stress, disappointments and sadness but stuffing it down - metaphorically and physically. I now know that if I'd had the courage to reveal my weakness, maybe I could've gotten help before I got to the point of considering WLS. I find it some what distressing, that no doctor - including my surgeon, and their affliated dietitian, and psychologist - ever picked up on it - even when it was there in writing and there was no evidence that anyone had ever addressed this problem with me. So here I am - most of the weight I've lost since banding in March has been pre-surgical. I'm not gaining - I'm stuck at 238. I'm still binging but for the obvious reason, I can't consume as much. I'm still not getting straight answers from my surgical practice and no one there has bothered to bring up the obvious - Jill...why aren't you losing weight? So I'm starting to work through this problem on my own - the above book has a Part II; a self-help workbook - and still looking for the right therapist. There is no way that anyone who says WLS was the easy way out has a clue as to what I'm (and I'm sure a number of fellow bandsters) are dealing with - it's not just the surgery, it's everything else that's coming out as a result. Pray for me as I will for you.
RavenClaw779

RavenClaw779

4
 

A Trip to the Tailor

I'm blessed with a really great tailor - Chris. Her s-i-l had lapband so she gets it. She's also straight up about what she can and can't do. I really hate shopping - I've said it before - even when I was a size 8/10 I hated it. So I naively thought that I'd just had everything taken in - they do it with wedding gowns don't they? Well, Chris had me try on what I brought including a couple of brand new size 24 Charter Club "Allison" pants..which were too small when I bought them in January. She was honest - they were too big to take in and the inseam(crotch) was so low it just wasn't flattering. So I guess it's time to face facts and go through my closets - Consignment stores here I come! Oh - my shoes are now loose too. Better not let my husband see the shopping bags!
RavenClaw779

RavenClaw779

1
 

A Month Out from Band Removal

It's been so refreshing not to be bent over the toilet at least once a day - and it's freed me from way too much tooth brushing and having to carry eye drops with me at all times!   First couple of weeks weren't that rough. Wasn't very hungry and often it seemed like I was a computer with a glitch. I'd have what felt like the start of a hunger pang, but instead, I'd have a wave of nausea. It took awhile for me to return to being "regular", which I wasn't from about the time I started having problems. Surgery and painkillers can really add to the problem, so finally being back on schedule is great. Nothing worse than heading out to the office feeling like you're carrying a bowling ball in your...ahem...   Hadn't eaten meat/poultry/fish in so long that I have yet to crave it. I made a beautiful standing rib roast for our New Year's Day party. Once was one of my most favorite meals. Smelled great but I ended up only eating about a one inch square piece and just found it to be okay. Same deal with bread and pasta - the only exception being my mother-in-law's homemade rolls which were so fabulous I had four!   Made baked swai(fish) last night for dinner and just smelling it as I was plating for me and the hubs made me nauseous. Maybe in time.   Pills are still a bit tricky and I'm not sure if it's psychosomatic or physical, but with enough water, it's doable.   So what am I eating? Never been a breakfast person, so I go the route of a late breakfast or early lunch - brunch! I've been combining Weight Watchers with a great cookbook I found, Hungry Girl's 300 Under 300 by Lisa Lillian.   Today I had a Very Veggie Egg Mug with spinach, mushrooms, onion, tomatoes, light Laughing Cow cheese and egg substitute(188 calories), a glass of OJ and coffee. I'm not hungry and I feel good. Will likely have some coffee, string cheese and fruit as an afternoon snack, a Lean Cusine and salad for dinner(hubs out-of-town = Jill off kitchen detail), some yogurt or maybe a half cup of ice cream for dessert.   Yes, I've had some - okay - ALL of the forbidden foods since having the band removed and the truth is that as good as they taste, eating that way tends to make me feel sluggish and sets up a chain reaction of me needing a nap, then staying up too late and not getting enough sleep, then eating a fast-fix i.e., carbs or junk food to power up, which then leads to a post-sugar crash and then we're back to square one.   Not exactly sure what has changed in me. I was always a stress eater and not having that as an escape during the past couple of years may have broken the habit. It may also have been just how negative the whole experience was for me(no knock against anyone else's choices or success) and realizing how long I've let my weight dictate my life, that is forcing me to, for lack of a better word, parent myself into better eating. 90% sure I do not want another WLS and it's likely that if I continue to lose, I wouldn't qualify. Sure don't want to go through what I did the last time when I was encourage to "gain a few" to make sure to "seal the deal" for insurance coverage.   The big question - Have I gained? No - actually I've lost five pounds since the surgery and finally broke the two year plateau! 70 pounds lost. 30 with the band. Only 68 to go!
RavenClaw779

RavenClaw779

3
 

**Warning - Off WLS Topic -Weasels from the Past

My senior year in college I dated a graduate student. It was my first head-over-heels love affair. I was 21; he was 26. Never was the line, "Hindsight is always 20/20!" more true and now more than two decades later I Thank God for the un-answered prayer titled, "Oh please let us get back together...".   Right from the start, my friends could not stand Alex. As one pal put it, "His arrogance is only exceeded by his condescension"...or was it the other way around!?! His "friends" had a similar vibe and would ask me what I saw in him. Several weeks into dating me he was let go from his internship at due to a "personality conflict" - of course according to Alex it wasn't his fault; they were against him. I had an uncomfortable feeling then as I would several weeks later when he roughed up a fellow lacrosse player who ribbed him for a missed goal.   Alex played into my insecurities with ruthless skill. Based on my old photos, I would've been considered "cute" maybe even "pretty" and I weighed about 125-130. At that time though, I didn't think I was any of those things and agonized over my weight.   We'd probably been going out less than a month when Alex dropped me off at my dorm after a date. I still remember stepping out of his car as he made a comment along the lines of,"...if you think you're the most beautiful girl in the world, you're sadly mistaken...!". Of course he'd already informed me that he hadn't found me that attractive when he first met me, so this comment while a real kick in the gut wasn't that surprising.   My nieces can't believe I didn't "kick'em to the curb" then and there. Goes to my lack of self-esteem at the time.   As it was, we dated for about six months. I put graduate school on hold because he didn't know where he'd(we - as he implied)get a job. I starved myself because he had no problems advising me at intimate moments that he'd seen me, "looking slimmer in that teddie". I cooked and baked for him only to have him complain that boxed brownie mix was so much better and on one memorable occasion, throw a fit because there were bones in a piece of fish I'd broiled.   Stir into this pot my meddling mother who between trying to live my life for me and engineer our break up was telling me she'd never forgive me I "screwed up" this relationship(she thought Alex was a "catch") and telling him he wasn't good enough for me(well - that was true:w00t:).   Right around graduation time, I found a faux-diamond ring in a Tiffany box on his desk. Since he only bought the best for himself I don't know whether he was going to try to pass it off as the real deal or if it was left there for me to find and either get upset about or give me a clue. I never acknowledged finding it. This was a guy who told me he'd never send me flowers, because then I'd "expect it all the time".   He broke up with me three weeks before graduation. Looking back, I can see how he'd planned the whole thing. There was no concrete "reason" ... he "didn't know what he was going to do with his life", and he "couldn't stand my family"...   Oh he wanted us to stay "friends", but he "too busy" attend my graduation ceremony. Me being the doormat I was back then - went to his. His parents didn't even know he'd dumped me! One of his classmates made the comment to me that "...you don't realize it now, but you dodged a bullet..."   I moved home to Virginia and from the day after I got home he was calling me and sending me job notices from the city he landed in - but never came out and said he wanted us to be together again. Like an idiot, I got a job and moved in with one of my sorority sisters who lived in the area. Quasi-dating lasted three months and we split up again. A month or so later I'd realized I was better off without him and had been accepted to grad school at UVA for the fall term, so I was packing to move back home when he called and wanted me to pick up some things I'd left at his apartment. I should've never gone over.   He'd been drinking and wanted to know why I hadn't called in over a month? Who had I been seeing? You can guess where it went from there - I got to see the same side of Alex that his former lacrosse teammate saw - and a trip to the ER from my roomie-sister - though I had only minor physical injuries.   So jump ahead twenty some odd years. My 21-year-old niece is home from college for the summer and I'm telling her this tale. She wonders if Alex is on FaceBook. I'd prefer not to think of Alex so I never looked - but to amuse her we did. Oh - he's on there and guess who one of his Facebook buddies is - my old roomie-sister..who only knew him because she knew me...and knew what he did and said to me...Two Weasels from the Past!
RavenClaw779

RavenClaw779

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