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Entries in this blog

 

It's Deja Vu All Over Again!

Still hanging at the 216-224 range. It's gotten to the point that I have "rules" that are so bizarre that my husband is pushing me to see my WLS. I don't want to go back for fear I'm going to hear it's my fault I haven't lost more...   Jill's Rules - not really mine, what my body is dictating:   *Can't eat before 10am; thankfully, coffee goes down okay. *Can't get breakfast down(1/4c oatmeal, 1/4c egg sub, 2 slices turkey bacon or yogurt and fruit) in under 45 minutes. *Can't be wearing a bra or anything remotely fitted around my waist - food will not go down. *Can't sit down to eat - three bites and I'm backlogged. *Attempt to sit down to dinner - see above - then run to the bathroom, throw up food plus a nasty looking mucus ball(TMI-I know!) Then - surprise! I can eat..as long as I stand up to do it. *Hungry all the time - and it's not in my head - my stomach growls so loudly my co-workers crack up in meetings. *Obsessed w/chocolate - never was before. It's either because it will go down and gives me instant(temporary) energy or because if the serotonin release. *Vomitting can be triggered by something as small as the thin slice of a radish or a 1/4 tsp size piece of chicken and can go on for hours. *After throwing up, the area around my port seems to puff up. Despite having my haital hernia fixed a surgery, I feel like I have acid reflux.   When I list it all, it does seem a bit ridiculous for me to continue to suffer. I guess I should just be glad that I'm no longer 286 pounds. Healthier with well-controlled blood glucose, but still the biggest gal in the room. Still not taken seriously or talked down to because I'm plus sized. I suppose it's time I just suck it up and accept that this is as good as it's going to get.
RavenClaw779

RavenClaw779

3
 

The Fourth Fill

Had #4 on Friday and the experience was par for the course. My appointment was @ 9:30am...I was still waiting at 11:30am along with a fairly crowded waiting room. True brilliance on the part of the scheduling department - only one NP on duty. Many interesting conversations in the waiting room and nice to know I'm not the only one who is hungry all the time and wondering when they're going to get "there". Think we were all a bit taken aback when the NP came out to call someone back and was advised in passing that the doctor had slipped an additional patient into the NP's schedule. Her mini-me meltdown of shrieking, "Where does she think I'm going to find room in my schedule - I'm already booked solid?!!?" made me want to re-schedule then and there! My own fill, while unremarkable(quick; not painful; no backwash) was confusing? disappointing? left me in the dark? I thought after the last fill I had 5.5cc in the band. That was based on this same NP telling me she put 1.5cc in at the last fill. I told her I'm hungry an hour after eating and my loud howling stomach during meetings was getting annoying, so she told me I definitely need a fill(ya think?) and advised that she wouldn't be as aggressive as last time...so she put .6cc in and told me I now have 4.8cc in my band. Huh? So instead of the 1.5cc Fill #3 I actually got .2cc and that's aggressive? When questioned I couldn't get a straight answer - of course I can do the math, but I'd like to know accurately how much is in there. Does explain why I've been so hungry and why- BIG SURPRISE - two hours after eating this morning, I'm hungry AGAIN! Next fill is 8/25 - unless I get bold and try to get in in about two weeks....:closedeyes:
RavenClaw779

RavenClaw779

3
 

The Ongoing CPAP Saga

Today I got a phone call at work from "Lincare" calling to set up an appt to fit me with a "BiPap". The first opening was 3/17! I explained that I'm only doing this as a condition for surgery which is scheduled for 3/9. Magically, they're able to see me on 3/4 and even more incredible - they already have my insurance info and plan # - excuse me, isn't that my private info to disclose? Hopefully I can lease rather than buy something I doubt I'll use beyond my surgery date.
RavenClaw779

RavenClaw779

3
 

More CPAP Thoughts

Drowsydad makes a good point about possible positives. Following the last adventure at the (No) Sleep Lab I did some research on CPAP and found out a number of interesting points:   1) Your nose and face are supposed to be measured...nostril type/width, nasal depth, length, eye to nose ratio. Masks come in different sizes based on gender and even age - there's even equipment for kids. No one at Jurassic Sleep Lab measured me for fit.   2) Feelings of confinement are quite common even for people without recognized "claustrophobia" present in other situations.   3) Compliance beyond 3 months is poor. Perhaps that's why the machines and masks are so expensive.   4) There are BiPap machines available which drop the level of "push" on exhalation so it doesn't feel like the machine is trying to breath for you.   5) There are alternatives to the full face mask and the nasal octopus:laugh: - like the nasal prong...   I'll try to keep an open mind.
RavenClaw779

RavenClaw779

3
 

A Month Out from Band Removal

It's been so refreshing not to be bent over the toilet at least once a day - and it's freed me from way too much tooth brushing and having to carry eye drops with me at all times!   First couple of weeks weren't that rough. Wasn't very hungry and often it seemed like I was a computer with a glitch. I'd have what felt like the start of a hunger pang, but instead, I'd have a wave of nausea. It took awhile for me to return to being "regular", which I wasn't from about the time I started having problems. Surgery and painkillers can really add to the problem, so finally being back on schedule is great. Nothing worse than heading out to the office feeling like you're carrying a bowling ball in your...ahem...   Hadn't eaten meat/poultry/fish in so long that I have yet to crave it. I made a beautiful standing rib roast for our New Year's Day party. Once was one of my most favorite meals. Smelled great but I ended up only eating about a one inch square piece and just found it to be okay. Same deal with bread and pasta - the only exception being my mother-in-law's homemade rolls which were so fabulous I had four!   Made baked swai(fish) last night for dinner and just smelling it as I was plating for me and the hubs made me nauseous. Maybe in time.   Pills are still a bit tricky and I'm not sure if it's psychosomatic or physical, but with enough water, it's doable.   So what am I eating? Never been a breakfast person, so I go the route of a late breakfast or early lunch - brunch! I've been combining Weight Watchers with a great cookbook I found, Hungry Girl's 300 Under 300 by Lisa Lillian.   Today I had a Very Veggie Egg Mug with spinach, mushrooms, onion, tomatoes, light Laughing Cow cheese and egg substitute(188 calories), a glass of OJ and coffee. I'm not hungry and I feel good. Will likely have some coffee, string cheese and fruit as an afternoon snack, a Lean Cusine and salad for dinner(hubs out-of-town = Jill off kitchen detail), some yogurt or maybe a half cup of ice cream for dessert.   Yes, I've had some - okay - ALL of the forbidden foods since having the band removed and the truth is that as good as they taste, eating that way tends to make me feel sluggish and sets up a chain reaction of me needing a nap, then staying up too late and not getting enough sleep, then eating a fast-fix i.e., carbs or junk food to power up, which then leads to a post-sugar crash and then we're back to square one.   Not exactly sure what has changed in me. I was always a stress eater and not having that as an escape during the past couple of years may have broken the habit. It may also have been just how negative the whole experience was for me(no knock against anyone else's choices or success) and realizing how long I've let my weight dictate my life, that is forcing me to, for lack of a better word, parent myself into better eating. 90% sure I do not want another WLS and it's likely that if I continue to lose, I wouldn't qualify. Sure don't want to go through what I did the last time when I was encourage to "gain a few" to make sure to "seal the deal" for insurance coverage.   The big question - Have I gained? No - actually I've lost five pounds since the surgery and finally broke the two year plateau! 70 pounds lost. 30 with the band. Only 68 to go!
RavenClaw779

RavenClaw779

3
 

Going for Broke on the Laugh Track

My 25-year-old niece just called to see how I'm doing. She tells me she expects to see me in a bathing suit this summer. Laughed so hard I almost peed my pants. Really - when you weight 283 at your highest, regardless of how much weight I lose, the end product is a saggy Sharpei in a swimsuit. I may be healthy at the end of this, but I ain't going to be a looker.
RavenClaw779

RavenClaw779

3
 

Dining Out

We've been roped into a family dinner celebration at a very pricey and intimate restaurant tonight. This will be the first time I've eaten out since the operation and my stomach is already roiling in anticipation. I'd have prefered my first meal out to be somewhere noisy and crowded so that if I need to make a quick trip to the restroom, it won't be so obvious...think I'll have a protein shake before we leave and just pick at an appetizer....
RavenClaw779

RavenClaw779

3
 

Getting Kicked Out of the Band

Despite another 45 minute wait, I was pleasantly surprised by today's one-on-one with my surgeon - yet another case for the wisdom of reserving judgment on any given situation. Given the vibe that goes around in my own office and the devils that drive us, I'm willing to bet there are plenty of days we come off as a bunch of witches on wheels.   The surgeon spent almost an hour with me reviewing the test results. The verdict? It appears the stomach has mushroomed over the band. Based on the inflammation, it's got to come out. Though my BMI has dropped below what my insurance carrier would tradtionally approve for a revision to a gastric sleeve, my surgeon seems to feel that there's enough to document I've made a good-faith effort and it's the band that failed, not me. Interestingly enough, he told me that his practice is taking out as many bands as they're putting in, and not as many people are getting them in the first place.   So now I have to decide if I'm just going to have it out or if I'm going to also have revision surgery done at the same time. My husband just wants it gone. He's tired of eating dinner alone and that our friends never invite us out to dinner for fear I'll be uncomfortable or worse. We haven't gone out for dinner in over a year. I dread the required business lunches, charity events involving a meal - even a recent girls' night out for drinks took a turn for the worse when the girls I was with ordered dinner. I wasn't offended and they know it doesn't bother me when they nosh. It was the server who made my life hell. Let's face it - I'm not some waif, so apparently when I declined to order anything she felt the need to comment each time she came to our table..."Sure you're not hungry? You look like you've got a good appetite". When I finally caved and ordered a small appetizer of soft potato puffs even that wasn't enough for her..."Is that all you're going to eat?!". When I couldn't finish it and declined a to-go box, it was..."You barely touched this? Didn't like it?".   I feel like I've had enough surgeries to last a life time but I don't want the weight I lost to come back and I don't want to spend the rest of my life avoiding cameras and feeling like a small tug boat entering a room. I am afraid of complications for a non-reversable procedure and wonder if I just need to accept that at almost 50, my ship has sailed. I'll never be young again. I was pretty for about 15 minutes when I was 23. I wasted my 30's and 40's being obese. It seems like a waste of time to attempt another surgery that may not make any difference just as it seems ridiculous for me to bother having breast reconstruction - I'd need a full body re-do to actually look good.   My husband's vote is to just have it out and then commit to "trying harder and working out more" - Gee, if it were that easy would any of us on this site even be here?   So - anyone out there gone from the band to nothing and maintained &/or continued to lose? Anyone gone from band to sleeve? Good? Bad? I want to hear about it!
RavenClaw779

RavenClaw779

3
 

Finally Seeing Results

I was banded on 3/9/10 and got down to 222lb before being diagnosed with breast cancer on 1/17/11, Spent 90% of 2011 going through surgery, recovery and chemo and ended back at 243lb. Joined Weight Watchers on 10/20/11, Joined the "Y" on 1/3/12 and started the FitLinx program along with 30 minutes a day of cardio. Just hit my first WW goal of 10% of my weight lost - down to 218!   NSV 1 - Although I'd heard all the talk about how exercise helps you have more energy, sleep better and relieve stress, I always was "too busy". Well, I'm still "too busy", but realized that there are things that can wait, like housework and catering to my hubs needs. Putting my health first needs to be a priority especially if I want to be around for the long haul.   NSV 2- Last band adjustment was Nov '11 - any further adjustments were understandably nixed by my WLS until after I finished treatment and got the okay from my oncologist. I got that okay back in October, but haven't felt the need to go back. My restriction is good but more importantly, I've learned to realize what true hunger is and what's emotional eating.   NSV 3- Kudos from my trainer: Jill - Congratulations you've reached a milestone with your Strength training lifting 100 000 lbs! It is your commitment to regular strength training that got you here. Great job! Adrian   2012 May just be the year I finally reach my goal!       <a href="http://www.TickerFactory.com/weight-loss/waosz4T/"> <img border="0" src="http://tickers.TickerFactory.com/ezt/t/waosz4T/weight
RavenClaw779

RavenClaw779

2
 

Winding down and some helpful day before hints

All the chores are done, suitcase packed and I'm winding down with a delicious mug of Sirloin Beef Stock - actually quite good or perhaps I really am losing my mind.   btreiger reminded me to bring a pillow to pad my stomach on the ride home - great idea and one not even mentioned by the hospital staff.   Here are some prep tips: * If you have to do a "cleansing" do a test run on the weekend. If I hadn't and had following the timing per the nurse, I'd still be on the toilet at the time of my surgery!   *The numerous trips to the bathroom create what I like to call "Burning Butt". 'Roid cream will only make this worse. Must have - kid's flushable wipes(very gentle) and diaper rash cream(w/zinc oxide and cod liver oil). Yes, it smells but if you 'butter you buns' when you take your MOM as time goes by it's a lot less irritating. Also keep some reading material in the bathroom - you'll be in there so much you can read the whole Harry Potter series!   *Don't forget to bring your insurance card and your health care proxy. Yes, it's a low risk surgery, but it is surgery so make sure your support person knows your wishes.   I'd write more, but I gotta run!
RavenClaw779

RavenClaw779

2
 

Alas...It Was Just A Temporary Fix...

The symptoms got better for a short while, but flared up again, so I had an upper GI series. Could barely choke the barium down and ended up vomiting it up several hours later. Met with my surgeon's PA who reviewed the films. The band looks like it's in the right place, but there was an area of concern which might indicate the band has partially eroded. I was asked if I was "wedded" to my band - not if it's eroding my body parts! Now the surgeon wants to do an EGD. Guess this is usually done at the same time as they go in to effect any repairs or removal, but mine will be done as a "look see" as the surgeon doesn't think the problem is serious... *Reflux is back *Vomiting *Still can't eat with a bra on *Still takes an hour to get a meal down *Still have to more or less stand to eat   ...but hey, none of that is serious...can't wait to do my next business lunch, where I whip off my bra and stand through the entire meal!
RavenClaw779

RavenClaw779

2
 

Cha-CHING!

Well, I'd was holding out hope that maybe just maybe sticking to soft(but nutritionally sound) foods would result in a miracle and I'd be able to start working in some normal foods and not need surgery. Alas...attended a party yesterday where I managed a couple of tablespoons of guacmole, a teaspoon of corn salad and two mini empanadas - or so I thought.A half hour after my last bite I was in the bathroom - SIX times before leaving for home. It continued after I got home and removed my "second band" - my bra. Later that night I barely got down a cup of hot tea.   Amusingly enough a friend who is also banded was at the party. She's had several fills, and had no trouble eat small amounts of all the different foods served - and there I am with no fill barfing to beat the band.   Pretty much decided that when the band comes out, the surgeon would do a vertical sleeve - after all that's what we'd talked about. Called my insurance carrier and they were okay with this - no additional hoops to jump through. Imagine my surprise when the case coordinator called to tell me that before a removal/revision, I'd have to have another psych consult, testing, nutritional counseling, attend a class about WLS and two support groups. It took some back and forth for me to finally get her to tell me that while my insurance carrier does not require this, their practice does!? Really - did you tell your surgeon this 'cause he was planning to do the full monty in a couple of weeks. Now my choice is to try to run around and get all these additional "requirements" done in a couple of weeks before a 6/15 surgery date, or have the band out and then go through the whole set of hoops again for another surgery in a couple of months OR wait to have the removal/revision after I fulfill these requirements again. Seriously?
RavenClaw779

RavenClaw779

2
 

The Nick of Time

(Making up for not blogging for a few days) I realize just how lucky I am to have had my procedure before health care reform really kicks in as who knows what might be "excluded" down the road. Plus, as a result of all the pre-surgical testing I've been checked from head to toe and found to be in excellent health despite my weight and Type II diabetes. I consider myself very lucky that if I am able to tackle the weight problem, I can likely avoid the heart disease, stroke and osteoarthritus history prevalent in my family, and perhaps a recurrence of my breast cancer. Three weeks post-surgery and my doc has reduced my Metformin to once a day and my testing reveals BG within normal(non-diabetic) values - Yea!
RavenClaw779

RavenClaw779

2
 

Poison Ivy!

So - having more energy can be dangerous! Got it into my head to clear some brush to increase the size of my landscape project. Out I go with my 1" lopers - chop,chop, chop(great stress reliever). I create a giant mound of limbs and brush before going off to help my husband with a building project. At the end of a long day I take a shower, feeling pretty good about my boundless energy. Two days later I'm covered in weeping poison ivy rashes - and I mean covered! That other weight loss positive - looser clothes - meant that as I worked, I was hitching up my pants, tucking my shirt in...so in addition to the sweaty ear I scratched(now big,itchy and red), I have a ring of rash around my waist, one boob with a similiar effect plus my arms and legs which look like I was in a battle for my life against some sort of clawed animal.
RavenClaw779

RavenClaw779

2
 

Endoscopy on Monday

Scheduled for an endoscopy on Monday. Never wanting to assume that my insurance will cover just anything, I called to make sure. It is, as is removal of the band, but "revision" requires pre-approval. The person I spoke with couldn't clarify for me what encompasses "revision"...replacing the band with a new band? going for the full monty with a bypass? Not required to, but I emailed my surgeon's PA to reinforce the need for pre-approval if "revision" gets tossed around. Why jump the gun since this is only a"look-see"? Well, I this is what I told him and his response...   Me: "The endoscopy has been scheduled for 2/18. Just to let you/surgeon know, the same "rules" we discussed before still apply. Definitely can't eat while wearing a bra, though I can eat small amounts of "safe" foods while seated. I've largely given up on any food that isn't the consistency of yogurt. I haven't been able to get down more than a tablespoon of vegetables and even the smallest amount of meat/fish/chicken will be making a reappearance. Tried again tonight - single slice of thin deli ham, chewed 45 times - stuck and likely coming back. The area around my port is tender but not consistently so.   Checked with my insurer endoscopy is covered without preapproval, so is band removal if needed. Any revision surgery will need preapproval."   PA: "Hopefully the egd goes well and gives us some answers, but the longer this persists with difficulty swallowing, and keeping down, foods that you should be able to tolerate, especially without any fluid in your Band, the more likely it is we will need to take a look with a diagnostic laparoscopy as we have discussed."   Guess what a "diagnostic laparoscopy" is? It's the same procedure used to go in to place the band, except this would be another "look-see"...if there's a problem, they'd take out the band. I'm guessing that any revision options would be agreed upon before this procedure, which is actually surgery but the thought of the surgeon leaving me on the table while they go off to get pre-approval has crossed my mind! LOL
RavenClaw779

RavenClaw779

2
 

The Apple Don't Fall Far From the Tree?

*Warning - A totally non-WLS rant posted because it's my blog and I'll post what I want to:tt2:   My s-i-l hates to drive at night, so I'll be trucking down to the city to pick up my college age niece. Apparently she has a medical issue which she could've had taken care of at her university health center, but when her mother(my s-i-l) suggested this, my niece had a meltdown and demanded Momma make her an appt at home and fly her in. What a surprise! Momma does what baby wants. She may be 19, but emotionally more like 15...like her group of college friends who hang out together living a "high school but away from home" type of lifestyle. 20-some years ago when I was in college, we were a lot more mature and aware of key world issues. The effect of helicopter parents?! It's scary when my niece tells me she doesn't like kids but wants to teach 'cause she'll get lots of time off. Wow - just who I want educating the future!   Back to the "Apple" topic - my niece is now upset because her mother told the doctor about the problem when she made the appt. Apparently, my niece wanted her to just say that it's for a "check up" (& no - this is not a woman issue)! My s-i-l (rightly so) told her that the doctor needs to know the real reason so as not to waste time. S-i-l wonders what her baby is thinking?!!   RU kidding? Here's where it "falls from the tree"...my s-i-l is a DM2 who tries to deny it. It took 3 years of warnings of pre-diabetes and then 6 mos after diagnosis to get her on oral meds. She's still not testing and tries to "trick" her labs by fasting for several days prior or eating "healthy" the week before. Of course, the numbers are still bad because she's non-compliant and hasn't educated herself. She calls me post doctor visit to report that the doctor wants her on more "meds" because her "numbers are bad" and she feels he's probably getting paid by the pharmacutical companies to give her more "stuff". So I say - "Could be - what new meds does he want? what were your labs?". She says..wait for it.... "I dunno - I wasn't paying attention!". Excuse me? What is more personal than a visit to your doctor - how can you not pay attention when it's your health?? This then leads to a conversation we've had before of how her health plan works and me telling her again to print me a copy and I'll review it...which she forgets - as usual. I guess I'm not too surprised as this is some one who wishes she were back in high school, doesn't read the paper or watch the news, and threw a fit when her boss told her she was going to have to take some tech classes - started crying and shouting that she "didn't want to learn anything new!" I'm actually fond of my s-i-l as apart from the tendency to gossip she is a very kind and non-judgmental person(wish I could be more like that) - but I often feel like I'm dealing with a child.   Not surprising - her mother (my m-i-l) is the same way. No, she doesn't want to go back to high school - instead she's fiercely independent...sort of. She's moderately more aware of what's going on in the world, but so flightly she only grasps half the story. When she doesn't get her own way - or doesn't get buy-in from the "fam" she just goes off and does whatever she wants then let's the rest of us pick up the pieces, the tab...whatever. When it comes to medical issues - see above. She takes whatever scripts the doctor writes but doesn't know why..."I'm not going to take this Liptor anymore - I don't feel any different...". She's still seeing this ancient doc-in-box who treated her mother. She nixed her prior doc because the doctor did an Alzheimer's test on her and was concerned enough to contact my s-i-l. Par for course, my m-i-l wanted my s-i-l to keep it a secret - Right! Her driving skills have always been sub-par and now they're even worse. Sunday night was a classic - when after two glasses of wine she was red-eyed, staggering and slurring but refused to give up her keys or let someone else drive her home and my s-i-l tells me, "She's not drunk - I'd know!"(sorta like, "She doesn't have memory issues - I'd know!") I'm torn between making a confidential call to the DMV before she hurts someone or herself or just stepping back and letting her kids take responsibility. Sigh - good to vent and hope it gives my readers a laugh; I'm sure plenty of you are in the boat.
RavenClaw779

RavenClaw779

2
 

Loathing

How awful is it to absolutely loath a fellow bandster? I really enjoy reading everyone's comments and get a lot of useful info, but there's one community member whose self-satisified, Holier-than-Thou, preachy lectures make me want to scream. That vague school-marmish tone directed at fellow bandsters who've slipped on dietary rules. That "maybe you should question why you have the band" finger wag. What -because you slipped you should get your butt to the doctor and have him take it out because you're just not committed enough?! Everytime I read this bandster's comments I cringe - esp for the person who originally put the question out there looking for positive support and not a smarmy lecture. Even my husband read few of this bandster's posts and had to laugh - his comment is apt - "Get Over Yourself!"!:thumbup:
RavenClaw779

RavenClaw779

2
 

Reasons for Weight Loss Part II

(Continued) Through the remainder of my college years and through my twenties, I kept my weight under control; my weight averaged between 125 - 136, but I worked and worried about it endlessly, always feeling “fat”. As my career started to really take off and my responsibilities grew - travel, business dinners, I had to aggressively restrict my food intake to maintain my weight.   I spent the first seven years after I graduated living at home, helping to support my financially irresponsible father, nursing my mother through breast and then lung cancer and caring for my youngest brother.   I was finally able to break free in 1995. Money was tight and the debts incurred supporting my parents were high. I worked for an international insurance company, but the pay wasn’t great and my boss difficult to work for. Turnover in my department was over 50% that year, so I was working long hours, weekends and living in fear that I wouldn’t be able to keep a roof over my head. My weight escalated to 176 by January 1996.   As I became more acclimated to living on my own and managing my career, I was able to better manage my weight. Between January 1996 and August 1997 I lost 37 pounds.   I started dating my future husband, in July of that year. We both worked for the same company and although it was not against company policy to date a co-worker we opted to keep it a secret. That in addition to living 150 miles apart, was stressful and I began to battle my weight again. In the first year we dated, we both gained 20 pounds.   In 1998 I was offered a plumb position with a competing company, one that would provide a new direction to my career, a company car, double my salary, and eventually transfer me to the same city as my future husband.   I now telecommuted from a home office and inherited a service territory which hadn’t been handled in two years. Coupled with the fact that the promised “training” wasn’t provided, I was now working at times 14 hours a day, seven days a week.   Often on the road for hours at time, I turned to fast food. Late nights at my desk with pizza, long work hours, long distance relationship and loads of stress and I soon became a junk food, comfort food and binge eater. By the end of 1998 I was 166.   In 1999, I was a top performer with my company and was offered a relocation to the same city as my future husband. I was made aware that my assignment had problems and as I worked my way into my new territory, it became clear that the “problems” were quite serious and in some cases, potentially litigious. I was charged to, “treat this territory like it was my own business”. I did, and won the support of my direct manager and home office staff. I was still working 12 to 14 hours a day plus weekends. I ended 1999 at 183 pounds.   Year 2000 would prove to be the most stressful year of my life. My company decided to dramatically change my (and my co-workers) job duties. I was now juggling tasks that had been handled by three separate individuals. In April I got engaged and began planning a wedding for October in my future husband's home state, a 1,000 miles away. In August I found a lump in my breast and was diagnosed with breast cancer the same weekend the invitations arrived from the printer. Fortunately I became a patient at a world recognized research facility, but it was still a crazy, stressful time. Between August and October I was diagnosed, packed my apartment, moved to my fiance's house, arranged a wedding reception for 150 people, had surgery and worked full time. In November I began chemotherapy. By the end of 2000 my weight was up to 213 pounds.   I finished chemo in January 2001. A month later I started five weeks of radiation therapy. I continued to work full time, often 70+ plus hours a week. Despite winning multiple “key contributor” awards that year, I was given my first “unsatisfactory” performance review and told that as soon as my radiation therapy had finished, I should’ve been able to get back to my old service numbers. I was constantly stressed, sleeping sometimes just four hours a night - terrified that I’d lose my job and hence my insurance coverage. Couple with my new job duties as a “wife” I threw in the diet towel and ate whatever I wanted. By the end of 2001, I was 252 and 2002 added another 31 pounds - 283. In 2003 I was diagnosed with Type II diabetes and not surprisingly, due to the radiation to my chest, my thyroid had shut down. The job stress was incredible . My territory was supposed to be staffed by four people, but despite numerous promises from corporate that additional staff would be hired, I continued to hear that management didn’t feel we needed additional staff , since, I, "managed it all so well”. When once again my recommendations were ignored and resulted in a loss to the company in excess of 1M, I realized that I was just wearing myself out for nothing. My husband and I discussed it and as it looked like his company was going to transfer us to New York in 2004(actually took until 2005) we decided it would be best for me to quit before it killed me. Following my early “retirement” I enrolled in a local hospital's Simple Success Weight Loss Program and lost 20 pounds over 8 week period.   Over the last seven years, my weight has averaged between 253-267. I can manage weight loss for a limited time, but stress leads me to binge eating. I find myself haunted by memories of my childhood and sometimes wonder if I’m not stuffing myself to stuff down the painful memories. I am the primary “homemaker” and find that everything from paying bills, to housework, to family obligations are my resonsibility. I have minimal down time and often find my days are just as long now, serving my family, as it was when I worked full-time. I jokingly say that I “gave up” one of my jobs - now I can’t figure out how I managed to work the hours I used to and do all that I do now?!?   Nevertheless, not working has created a gap in my life socially and for my husband and I financially. I need to get back in the work force, but I’m afraid to get out there at this size. In the South, where I'm from, people are a little more gentile, a little less willing to pick on someone for their weight. I’ve found since I’ve moved to New York, that people, even strangers, will very directly comment on someone’s weight. I’ve had a neighbor snub me then very loudly comment on my weight and make disparaging remarks to other neighbors. I’ve had business professionals I contact on behalf of my charity work feel free to comment. I even had a medical professional at Memorial Sloan-Kettering harass me to the point I left the clinic in the middle of an MRI! I have had enough of dealing with and being defined by my weight, by being weighed in the balance and being found wanting because I’m too big.   I’ve spent 32 years with issues related to food and my weight coloring every aspect of my life. I was able to overcome the short comings related to growing up in a physically and emotionally abusive home; going on to have a productive professional career, a real family, and being an active member of my community. Despite numerous attempts to control my weight, this is one area in which I have failed repeatedly. I’ve been well-educated through nutritional counseling, and my own efforts to self-educate. I know the risks this extra weight puts on my overall health and I am already seeing the effects. Coupled with the social and emotional aspects of being “plus sized”, I feel like the “life” is gone from my life - that I’m avoiding doing more and more activities because I’m trapped in a body that doesn’t feel like mine. When I dream, I don’t look like this. I’m willing to make the changes needed to lose weight - I’ve done it before, but I need a partner(so to speak) to help me down the long road back to being me.
RavenClaw779

RavenClaw779

2
 

Veggie Mary Update

Made the Veggie Mary this morning with the Bariatric Eating "Pure" unflavored protein product and added a little garlic and pepper - very good. Even tasted the powder by itself - NO FLAVOR! Will order some today - my quest is over!:thumbup:
RavenClaw779

RavenClaw779

2
 

Group Dynamics

Attended a support group meeting with a friend. There were about 80 people there and not surprising most were quite obese. What got us was when we went around the room with everyone giving their surgery date/weight loss etc and it turned out that most of the people there were a year plus out - and hadn't lost much weight or had reached a plateau. Sadly, the people running the meeting (surgeon's group)had no valuable input to give beyond the same old "60-80grams of Protein!, Exercise!, Eat Less!" Equally troubling - the number of attendees who'd had the procedure yet had no clue about proper nutrition, the presenter when fielding a question from a diabetic patient who commented that because she'd had the procedure she, "couldn't still be a diabetic...next question!..." and the push to go back on Medifast(which they sell - Buy some NOW!) when you reach a plateau. I get more from this site and my NUT - thank God my doctor had the sense to hook me up with the right person!:smile:
RavenClaw779

RavenClaw779

2
 

I'm Kicking Myself

Writing this as I sit on hold as my WLS office attempts to schedule yet another follow up appointment. I've been transfered and disconnected three times, so I've now spent 45 minutes just trying to get an appointment. Guess if you get confused, or tired of dealing with computer hassles - just hang up!   Par for the course, I was not seen by my WLS for yesterday's post-surgical follow up and once again had to go through the whole history again with yet another PA I'd never met. Once we established that I hadn't just had a band placed, the PA went and got a print out of my surgical notes(not in the file!?). What I was told - my band hadn't slipped, but I had a significant hiatel hernia as well as adhesions(scarring). Per my request to save the band, the surgeon repaired the hiatel hernia.   What the PA indicated was missed/wrong in the discharge instructions: - Pain med should've been in liquid form. - Only Rx meds - no vitamins or supplements unless liquid form until swelling subsides(surgeon noted it okay to resume all meds on day after surgery) - A script for Prilosec in liquid form - Instruction to consume only liquids and pureed food until further notice. No greek yogurt - "too thick". - No lifting anything over the weight of a gallon of milk. - Walking is the only exercise allowed for now.   According to the PA, the repair was quite intense, so the symptoms I've been having are not surprising. Still have abdominal swelling which may take several more weeks to heal. The lump at the base of my throat is from the two tubes inserted during surgery. The cough,reflux and restriction are also a result of surgical irritation, but if I'd been given the Rx for Prilosec, should be significantly less. It may take up to six weeks to see if this corrects the problem.   In the meantime, I've been told I'm not eating enough, so I need to push protein shakes. First and only time I've heard that I should work in some ice cream!   So now we again start with the every 7 - 10 day follow up $400 appointments regardless of the fact I'm not getting a fill. That hour and a half roundtrip drive along with juggling a work schedule that doesn't have much flexibility - super!   I'm kicking myself for having the band left in. It's a tool. It works great for a lot of people - no "hate" here, but for me, the quality of life has dwindled. This is the second hiatel hernia repair. The three years the band has been in have resulted in significant internal scarring, an inability to eat normally, declining social life, endless testing, medicines, embarassing situations, costly co-pays...
RavenClaw779

RavenClaw779

2
 

Anxiety Attack

I make no secret about being claustrophobic and it's no secret that many people with claustrophobia have other anxiety issues. My first ever anxiety attack was five years ago when I was juggling a 70 hr a week job, and coordinating a 1,000 mile move for my husband and I. It happened at night - my husband was away on business. I was sitting on the couch and suddenly felt my heart pounding and like I just wanted to run...out of the house and into the dark. It passed but several days later I was working at my desk(at home - I telecommute) and it happened again. I took my BP - 150/120! I called my doctor thinking I was having a heart attack. An EKG and blood test were fine so the doctor gave me a couple of RX anti-anxiety meds and I slept for two days. The anxiety only manifests itself now when faced with closed spaces like MRI's. It tweeks me a bit for things like CT scans and really pinched for the whole CPAP event. I had a minor "attack" last night while watching TV and it's almost embarassing to recount. A Taco Bell commercial came on and I thought to myself, "I'll never be able to eat a burrito again let again a whole one..." This segued into thoughts of blockage, of no solid food, of the foreign object in my body. No, it wasn't a full blown attack - I can usually distract myself from that, but it sucks how weak willed it makes me feel. Like I haven't got my sh-- together.
RavenClaw779

RavenClaw779

2
 

Low Level Panic Attack

Today while getting dressed, I bumped the area where I think the port is - won't actually know until Monday's post surgical follow up. Man did that ever hurt. I started thinking about this foreign body inside me and starting thinking weird thoughts like...what if I go nuts and yank this thing out?...what if I freak out and jump in my car and drive to the doctor's and beg to have it removed...I got all sweaty and had to get a drink of ice water and go outside to clear my head. Perhaps it's just a case of sometimes you feel like a nut and sometimes you don't!
RavenClaw779

RavenClaw779

2
 

Survivor to Thriver

My whole GB experience has made me more mindful of the "why" behind my complusive overeating(binging) - my abusive childhood. While I'm still searching for a local therapist to work with one-on-one, I found the Adult Survivors of Child Abuse website and a promising self-help workbook(downloadable for free from their site) titled Survivor to Thriver. I'm facing the fact that regardless of dietary changes, and my new "tool", until I address what's driving my "drive" to eat, my success may be limited.
RavenClaw779

RavenClaw779

1
 

Cardiologist

Spent five hours yesterday at the cardiologist. Had a nuclear stress test. They inject a radioactive isotope wait and hour, do some films(like a mini-CT), hook you up to the EKG/Treadmill, bring you to a target heart rate and then have you sit for another hour before doing a second set of films. Then I had an echocardiogram - mostly because I've had chemotherapy and it can damage the heart. No word yet from the doctor but the tech said that if they'd seen anything they'd have had me stay so...no news is good news.
RavenClaw779

RavenClaw779

1
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