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Surgery Scheduled

The band will be coming out the first week of July. I am a bit sad(that it failed) and worried(that I'll pack it back on), but I have learned better portioning, and better control over emotional eating, so I'll try to be optimistic. Been following Weight Watchers and cut out all my slider/excuse foods so my weight is back down to ye olde plateau of 223. Still better than the 285 I was. I have a 15 pound cat who likes to be picked up like a baby. Just picking him up is a reminder of how what seems like a small amount of weight is quickly felt. Feel like a need a back support just hoisting him up from the floor! LOL   As I sit here at my desk - dressed; jeans,bra etc., I feel like I have acid reflux, and the last time I ate was over three hours ago. So that old bra + band double restriction with no fill in an 11cc band is reinforcement that it needs to go. I wonder what I'd be dealing with if I had a significant amount of fill in the band. Ah - never mind - too scary to think about!   So now with a BMI of 37.1, I would not qualify for WLS. Not sure how the Type 2 DM would play out - I am one, but my A1C is almost that of a non-diabetic. Wonder what would happen if I decide to proceed with a gastric sleeve?
RavenClaw779

RavenClaw779

0
 

Surgery Day

Left the house at 5am to get to Ellis by 6am. Within 15 minutes I was in my gown and slippers give yet another blood sample. The anesthesiologist, the surgeon and all the nurses attending came in and introduced themselves. I was wheeled in to the operating room at 7:50am and awoke in recovery at 9:30am. The surgeon advised my husband that everything went fine and that she'd repaired a haital(sp) hernia. Left the hospital around noon and slept all the way home. Then I slept off and on for the rest of the day. Wasn't hungry and the pain was not too severe - actually it was the CO2 that was causing the most pain. The Kicker: The CPAP that I had to have and had to bring with me - WAS NOT USED.
RavenClaw779

RavenClaw779

1
 

Still Banded

In the lead up to my surgery, my surgeon was 99% sure the band was going to have to come out, but agreed to get approval from my insurance carrier that if when he got in there, it appeared the band or the problem could be remedied without removal, that he'd fix the problem and leave the band in. Again, my fear of packing the weight back on overriding the numerous problems I've had with the band.   Nevertheless, I came out of surgery feeling relieved that the band was out and finally I'd have no more painful or embarassing food adventures. I was surprised at my disappointment of finding out the band was still in and the protruding, lopsided, scarred port area even bigger than ever. The surgeon repaired a hiatel hernia - just like when I had the band placed three years ago.   It's been three days and I can barely swallow the pain meds. Liquids are still going down with the old 'stop and drop' feeling. Not hungry but how laughable - still haven't lost a pound even after four days on nothing but clear liquid. Here we go again.
RavenClaw779

RavenClaw779

0
 

Sometimes You Just Have To Shake Your Head...

Just got the EOB for my endoscopy. My insurance company was billed $4,400! That's more than my bi-lateral mastectomies cost! No real change to what I can and can't eat - but I can't even imagine how much an exploratory laproscopy would be. Maybe I'll just resign myself to a life of yogurt and protien shakes!
RavenClaw779

RavenClaw779

1
 

Some Real Nutritional Info - From a Reliable Source

Met with my NUT practice today(not the one affliated w/my surgeon). I explained that I was confused about what to eat and how much(don't know about everyone else, but I've gotten so many conflicting tidbits that I've got pages of notes). So the ladies get out the ADA Pocket Guide to Bariatric Surgery - Appendix C - LAGB Stages and Postadjustment Diet Instructions. Right there on the front it says, "Note: There is no evidence supporting a specific diet transition. Expert opinion suggests (a) a staged approach; ( diet advanced as tolerated. Some other notes of interest: Stage III (whole grain crackers may be added to eat with protein) StageIV (your calorie needs are based on height, weight , age and activity - so much for the "1,000 calorie" pat answer)   Another great help was the ADA's EatRight - Bariatric Surgery Blended and Pureed Nutrition Therapy which provided a Sample Menu by Hour with amounts to consume - you are literally eating or drinking every hour from 8am to 10pm! I had no clue - so this will help as I go through the stages again following my fills.
RavenClaw779

RavenClaw779

1
 

Slow Recovery to the Same Old, Same Old...

Just a little over a week from my surgery. I was understandably tired and couch surfing for a couple of days but was really surprised to find how tired I was even after resuming my normal activities. Each day I've been able to go a bit longer before finally having to say, "Enough". It's really disconcerting to find yourself breaking a sweat by simply making the bed!   My band removal surgery ended up being a hiatel hernia repair. The steri strips are still in place and the bruising has gone yellow. Really didn't have much post-surgical pain. Still have this peculiar lump at the base of my throat and am thankful I have my post-op visit tomorrow to find out what this is. Surgical boo-boo?   My discharge paperwork didn't really give me much to go on regarding what I should eat post-op. "Clear liquids...progess to normal diet.." really doesn't provide much help. Went online and WebMD has two weeks clear liquid only and so on until the SIX Week mark where supposedly you're able to eat a normal diet. Confusing.   How am I? Belching after even a sip of water. Any drink sounds like a slow drain gurggling down. Annoying cough to the point I'm tasting blood in the back of my throat. Acid reflux. Pain across back and jaw when I eat - even yogurt. Discharge instructions say it's okay for me to take my usual scripts and multi-vitamins - it now takes me half and hour to get them down and I've got to be standing to do it. I have to fight the urge to vomit them back up as they seem to stick with that horrid bitter medicine taste. Still can't eat while wearing a bra. Everything I do eat has that stuck, 'stop & drop' feeling, but as my husband pointed out, "At least you're not vomiting!". True, but that's more to do with my prior experience and now having restriction to the point of knowing at one bite that if I try another, it's going to be a problem. Incredible restriction considering I have an 11cc band with nothing in it.   Yes, the band is just a tool, but not every tool works for everybody. I'm wondering if there's something structurally different about me that's making the band a poor choice for me. I wasn't able to have post-mastectomy reconstruction because my body rejected the tissue expanders. I had an allergic reaction to my eyeglass arms and nose piece. Periodically the area around my port erupts with a strange itchy rash that requires extra antihistimines to bring under control. Having a stent in my ureter following kidney stone removal resulted in two weeks of painfilled hell beyond the normal discomfort as it felt like my body was trying to squeeze the damn thing out.   Here I sit, back at my desk with my hand up my blouse pulling my bra away from my chest as I belch after a couple of sips of coffee. As noted before - Same old, same old! Today's client lunch should be a riot!
RavenClaw779

RavenClaw779

0
 

Sleep Lab Part Deux

What a surprise - despite no hallmarks for sleep apnea I was forced to go to the sleep lab and attempt to sleep in a hot room with two loud fans and wires all over my head and face plus two tight elastic bands across my chest. Now I have to go back to be fitted for a CPAP(cha-ching$$$). I keep hearing this scenario from other patients - that it's almost pre-decided you have sleep apnea...:rolleyes2:
RavenClaw779

RavenClaw779

1
 

Shock & Awe?!

So...big church BBQ last weekend. Lots of family and friends including one who had the LapBand last fall...and has lost 85+ pounds...SINCE the procedure i.e., not including what this person lost in prep for surgery. There were whispers and it wasn't good as this rapid weight loss coupled with this individual's love of tanning beds has resulted in a look that someone described(unkindly but accurate) as a "...cross between a dried prune and a boneless walnut.."! Couple this with this bandster's free admission(but not to their doctor or surgeon) that they often going on nothing but a cereal bar and some yogurt as a once daily meal...oh, and they've been in the ER twice in the past two months for illnesses directly related to improper nutrition/hydration, and a very different face of this potentially helpful procedure emerges. It also put me in the hot seat as some wanted to question why I haven't lost as much(in 4 months - are you serious?) and why don't I look "sick" like X. If seeing the other side of this journey wasn't enough, I was blown away when my fellow bandster announced that after the last trip to the ER, a call was placed to the bariatric facility. Apparently the bariatric facility didn't feel that the ER doc(at a major medical center doing angioplasty, stroke intervention, chemo using ports...) was "qualified" to remove fluid from the band. So - rather than sending a nurse or PA to the hospital or arranging to meet the patient at their PCP's office, a NP met the patient at a convenience store and withdrew all the fluid in the band in the parking lot...and told the patient they'd lost too much weight!:thumbup:
RavenClaw779

RavenClaw779

5
 

Reasons for Weight Loss Part II

(Continued) Through the remainder of my college years and through my twenties, I kept my weight under control; my weight averaged between 125 - 136, but I worked and worried about it endlessly, always feeling “fat”. As my career started to really take off and my responsibilities grew - travel, business dinners, I had to aggressively restrict my food intake to maintain my weight.   I spent the first seven years after I graduated living at home, helping to support my financially irresponsible father, nursing my mother through breast and then lung cancer and caring for my youngest brother.   I was finally able to break free in 1995. Money was tight and the debts incurred supporting my parents were high. I worked for an international insurance company, but the pay wasn’t great and my boss difficult to work for. Turnover in my department was over 50% that year, so I was working long hours, weekends and living in fear that I wouldn’t be able to keep a roof over my head. My weight escalated to 176 by January 1996.   As I became more acclimated to living on my own and managing my career, I was able to better manage my weight. Between January 1996 and August 1997 I lost 37 pounds.   I started dating my future husband, in July of that year. We both worked for the same company and although it was not against company policy to date a co-worker we opted to keep it a secret. That in addition to living 150 miles apart, was stressful and I began to battle my weight again. In the first year we dated, we both gained 20 pounds.   In 1998 I was offered a plumb position with a competing company, one that would provide a new direction to my career, a company car, double my salary, and eventually transfer me to the same city as my future husband.   I now telecommuted from a home office and inherited a service territory which hadn’t been handled in two years. Coupled with the fact that the promised “training” wasn’t provided, I was now working at times 14 hours a day, seven days a week.   Often on the road for hours at time, I turned to fast food. Late nights at my desk with pizza, long work hours, long distance relationship and loads of stress and I soon became a junk food, comfort food and binge eater. By the end of 1998 I was 166.   In 1999, I was a top performer with my company and was offered a relocation to the same city as my future husband. I was made aware that my assignment had problems and as I worked my way into my new territory, it became clear that the “problems” were quite serious and in some cases, potentially litigious. I was charged to, “treat this territory like it was my own business”. I did, and won the support of my direct manager and home office staff. I was still working 12 to 14 hours a day plus weekends. I ended 1999 at 183 pounds.   Year 2000 would prove to be the most stressful year of my life. My company decided to dramatically change my (and my co-workers) job duties. I was now juggling tasks that had been handled by three separate individuals. In April I got engaged and began planning a wedding for October in my future husband's home state, a 1,000 miles away. In August I found a lump in my breast and was diagnosed with breast cancer the same weekend the invitations arrived from the printer. Fortunately I became a patient at a world recognized research facility, but it was still a crazy, stressful time. Between August and October I was diagnosed, packed my apartment, moved to my fiance's house, arranged a wedding reception for 150 people, had surgery and worked full time. In November I began chemotherapy. By the end of 2000 my weight was up to 213 pounds.   I finished chemo in January 2001. A month later I started five weeks of radiation therapy. I continued to work full time, often 70+ plus hours a week. Despite winning multiple “key contributor” awards that year, I was given my first “unsatisfactory” performance review and told that as soon as my radiation therapy had finished, I should’ve been able to get back to my old service numbers. I was constantly stressed, sleeping sometimes just four hours a night - terrified that I’d lose my job and hence my insurance coverage. Couple with my new job duties as a “wife” I threw in the diet towel and ate whatever I wanted. By the end of 2001, I was 252 and 2002 added another 31 pounds - 283. In 2003 I was diagnosed with Type II diabetes and not surprisingly, due to the radiation to my chest, my thyroid had shut down. The job stress was incredible . My territory was supposed to be staffed by four people, but despite numerous promises from corporate that additional staff would be hired, I continued to hear that management didn’t feel we needed additional staff , since, I, "managed it all so well”. When once again my recommendations were ignored and resulted in a loss to the company in excess of 1M, I realized that I was just wearing myself out for nothing. My husband and I discussed it and as it looked like his company was going to transfer us to New York in 2004(actually took until 2005) we decided it would be best for me to quit before it killed me. Following my early “retirement” I enrolled in a local hospital's Simple Success Weight Loss Program and lost 20 pounds over 8 week period.   Over the last seven years, my weight has averaged between 253-267. I can manage weight loss for a limited time, but stress leads me to binge eating. I find myself haunted by memories of my childhood and sometimes wonder if I’m not stuffing myself to stuff down the painful memories. I am the primary “homemaker” and find that everything from paying bills, to housework, to family obligations are my resonsibility. I have minimal down time and often find my days are just as long now, serving my family, as it was when I worked full-time. I jokingly say that I “gave up” one of my jobs - now I can’t figure out how I managed to work the hours I used to and do all that I do now?!?   Nevertheless, not working has created a gap in my life socially and for my husband and I financially. I need to get back in the work force, but I’m afraid to get out there at this size. In the South, where I'm from, people are a little more gentile, a little less willing to pick on someone for their weight. I’ve found since I’ve moved to New York, that people, even strangers, will very directly comment on someone’s weight. I’ve had a neighbor snub me then very loudly comment on my weight and make disparaging remarks to other neighbors. I’ve had business professionals I contact on behalf of my charity work feel free to comment. I even had a medical professional at Memorial Sloan-Kettering harass me to the point I left the clinic in the middle of an MRI! I have had enough of dealing with and being defined by my weight, by being weighed in the balance and being found wanting because I’m too big.   I’ve spent 32 years with issues related to food and my weight coloring every aspect of my life. I was able to overcome the short comings related to growing up in a physically and emotionally abusive home; going on to have a productive professional career, a real family, and being an active member of my community. Despite numerous attempts to control my weight, this is one area in which I have failed repeatedly. I’ve been well-educated through nutritional counseling, and my own efforts to self-educate. I know the risks this extra weight puts on my overall health and I am already seeing the effects. Coupled with the social and emotional aspects of being “plus sized”, I feel like the “life” is gone from my life - that I’m avoiding doing more and more activities because I’m trapped in a body that doesn’t feel like mine. When I dream, I don’t look like this. I’m willing to make the changes needed to lose weight - I’ve done it before, but I need a partner(so to speak) to help me down the long road back to being me.
RavenClaw779

RavenClaw779

2
 

Precognition?

I started my journey on January 14, 2010 with my initial appointment with the bariatric team. We reviewed surgical options; GB -v-RNY etc. and the decision I made was GB due to the fact that I'd had breast cancer in 2000 and if I were to have a reoccurence, the band could be unfilled if I weren't getting the needed nutrition. So here I am, 50 pounds thinner and feeling good, when my yearly breast MRI shows an area of concern on the right breast(my original cancer was on the left). My gyn had me see a surgeon, who ordered an ultrasound and the biopsy done on 1/13 is postive for breast cancer. Just found out today - oddly, exactly 10 years to the date of the last day of my chemo. Of course, I cried but now I'm a bit angry and some what resigned. Kicking myself because I should've had preventative mastectomies 10 years ago and been done with it. Pissed that just as it seemed my life was improving I'm facing the possibility of debilitating surgery, chemo and radiation. Worried that it's spread and I'm not going to see my niece grow up and how will I get everything organized so my husband will be able to stay on top of running the household and caring for our pets. Saddened that I just may die a fat girl who didn't accomplish much. And just a little weirded out that what I said came to pass...and this isn't the first time!
RavenClaw779

RavenClaw779

1
 

Pre-Surgical Visit w/Surgeon + PAT's

Took my husband with me for the last meeting with my surgeon. She is pleased with my weight loss(21-25 lbs depending on time of day and level of dress:ohmy:), told me that all my tests came out clear but advised that I have a "fatty liver":sad:. My husband's concerns were addressed - still can't believe he thought the port was going to hang out of my body!?! What - like the tag on a stuffed animal!?   PAT's were a repeat of tests done several weeks ago plus a pregnancy test. Strange to have to have that done as I've been POST MENOPAUSAL(surgical) since 2007!?! Guess this is another sign the insurance industry needs reform - test after pointless test to hedge against any kind of lawsuit.   Told the surgeon about my CPAP failure and asked what happens now? She's going to have her patient case coordinator follow up with the pulmonologist but she made it pretty clear - No CPAP - No Surgery. So slap one one me in the recovery room.
RavenClaw779

RavenClaw779

1
 

Pre-Surgical Testing

A fun week so far - and it's only Wednesday. Had the upper GI series, chest xray and abdominal Ultra Sound on Monday plus the blood gases and PFT - none was too terrible. Drinking the barium was awful - a banana/vanilla cup of sludge..but actually better than Medifast and it sits in your gut like a rock! A definate appetite killer! Tomorrow it's four hours of nuclear stress testing and an echocardiogram then on to the sleep lab followed my the nutritionist on Friday. I get off easy next week - just the PAT's and meeting with the surgeon on Friday. Got a message from the patient coordinator that they want to move my surgery up a day, but that was two days ago and I haven't managed to get her to call me back!
RavenClaw779

RavenClaw779

1
 

Post Surgical Follow Up

Wow - it really blew me away - the sheer number of people in the waiting room for post-surgical follow up, but I guess if they're doing 5-6 a day, 6 days a week it makes sense.   Healing okay - first fill will be 4/14. Getting real tired of puree. Nurse was running an hour behind schedule so by the time I got out of there, I'd driven an hour down, been in the office for two and a half hours and face a rush hour drive home. I was starving! Went to McDonalds and got a small coffee, small fry and a snack wrap. Coffee and fries went down okay - snack wrap made a grand reappearance. Definitely a learning experience!
RavenClaw779

RavenClaw779

1
 

Poison Ivy!

So - having more energy can be dangerous! Got it into my head to clear some brush to increase the size of my landscape project. Out I go with my 1" lopers - chop,chop, chop(great stress reliever). I create a giant mound of limbs and brush before going off to help my husband with a building project. At the end of a long day I take a shower, feeling pretty good about my boundless energy. Two days later I'm covered in weeping poison ivy rashes - and I mean covered! That other weight loss positive - looser clothes - meant that as I worked, I was hitching up my pants, tucking my shirt in...so in addition to the sweaty ear I scratched(now big,itchy and red), I have a ring of rash around my waist, one boob with a similiar effect plus my arms and legs which look like I was in a battle for my life against some sort of clawed animal.
RavenClaw779

RavenClaw779

2
 

Out & About - OUCH!

Feeling pretty good five days out and down to 1 tbsp of Loratab a day, so I agreed to go to Best Buy with my husband. Let's just say regular jeans in lieu of sweatpants was a big painful mistake.   This is the first day I've felt remotely hungry but a cup of soup took care of it.   Blood glucose number are normal so I'll have to call the doctor tomorrow to see if I need to keep on with the metformin.
RavenClaw779

RavenClaw779

1
 

One Blissful Month...

When the swelling finally went down - about the third week in July - I was finally able to eat normally. Didn't go crazy, but was able to eat all those things that had become impossible due to "Jill's Rules"(see prior blog entries for details). I ate salad, had a steak, had pizza- had everything I wasn't able to eat for over a year. Actually got to go out to lunch with my girlfriends! Continued tracking my WW points and was feeling great...until the end of August.   Invited to dinner at a friend's house - yet another experience I'd largely had to either pass on or do my fake-out food shuffle around the plate routine. The roast was a bit tough, but with no fill, drinking with meal, I was able to get it down. That was until the drive home, where I started gagging, sliming and couldn't get to the bathroom fast enough for a prolonged period of vomiting.   It's been down hill since then. Pretty much any solid food creates the pain across the lower jaw and shoulders. Every episode results in an upper abdomen swelling that looks like I'm pregnant. Back to not being able to eat while wearing a bra. Back to the protein shakes, yogurt, cottage cheese...zzzz. Maybe if they made savory yogurts instead of just sweets - LOL   Next appointment isn't until October ("soonest available") - not that there's anything that can be done. There's no fill in the band. Dreading what I know my WLS is going to want to do...more pricey tests and re-tests that I can't afford.   I was warned that this might not resolve the problem and that in the future I'd likely need to have it removed. Just don't know if my insurance would cover it or if I could even swing another $500 co-pay, time off from work, surgery/recovery. Guess I'm just happy to have the memory of that one month.
RavenClaw779

RavenClaw779

0
 

On the diet, sleep lab and other updates

Was hoping to avoid that second trip to the sleep lab tonight - using my unplowed 90' driveway of snow as an excuse...sadly, must go or the surgeon will cancel the surgery. Guess the hubs better get home early and get to work shoveling:laugh:   Was so hungry yesterday I ate a couple of whole grain waffles and a bagel. Was prepared for the worst when I stepped on the scale. DOWN - to within a pound and a half of my pre-surgery goal weight. My nutritionist said that when you're on an extremely low calorie fasting diet, your metabolism slows down to accommedate less fuel coming in. By eating a little more I "tricked" my body into feeling like everything's status quo.   Added one packet of nutrasweet to the Jillian Michaels shake - cuts that horrid stevia bittersweet aftertaste. Managed to choke it down...
RavenClaw779

RavenClaw779

3
 

Nutrition Meeting

I have my own nutritionist who I've been working with for a while, but I was required to meet with a nutritionist affliated with the hospital. Guess I expected more from the meeting. I wasn't weighed or asked how the Medifast was going. The nutritionist was a recent grad with little personality. The only way I caught her name was by her ID tag. She acted bored and as if she was dealing with an idiot. Let me guess - if you're fat, you're probably a dunce. She had all her required checklists all lined up in a rack and was whipping them out like a well-oiled machine. We went through the same questions I answered before my first visit with the surgeon, and during my psych consult. She read the Post-Surgical diet to me and told me to call if I had any problems. Meanwhile her phone line rang and rang. Methinks I'll be calling my own nutritionist.:redface:
RavenClaw779

RavenClaw779

1
 

Not Hungry

(Must be boring everyone to death - no one has any comments...)   Two weeks from surgery. I found I was allergic to the MediFast shakes with the soy so I changed to the MediFast "cold drinks" (per the nurse - "no soy"). I'm to have five shakes a day plus add'l protein as needed. I've now had "the runs" for two days and just the thought of eating anything makes me feel sick. Still 3 pounds from pre-surgery goal weight.
RavenClaw779

RavenClaw779

1
 

No More Ms. Nice Girl or Just A Feel Good Rant?!

Sometimes my friends and family make me want to scream, but being a "Nice Girl" I force a polite smile on my face and role with it.   Today I'm just putting it out there because its better than screaming and scaring the you-know-what out of the dog!   Sister-in-law #1 aka "Jabber Jaws". I'd have thought that after my husband, her brother, Mr. Calm-Cool & Collected got pissed off when she spoiled the surprise of our moving into the area(hence de-railing the big party we'd planned) that she'd have learned her lesson? Apparently not as she had to tell simply everyone that I'd had a hysterctomy after I specifically asked her not to.   I guess telling her that this was a "personal journey" wasn't clear enough or perhaps it just didn't matter to her. Imagine my surprise when not half an hour after I'd confided in her, my mother-in-law called to offer her opinion i.e., "I just heard from Lisa...if you just tried a little harder...".   Since then, people she's blabbed to are coming out of the wood work. People who are merely acquaintences are calling for the details. Some friend of hers from downstate called and told my my s-i-l had been, "keeping her in the loop" re; my ongoing "saga". Are you kidding me?! Gee - how long until the local paper or news team arrives at the door? How weird is it that a friend of my husband heard about my surgery from his mother who heard it from the postman(no lie). :eek: The flip side of this is the pseudo concerned - Sister-in-law #2. We see this side of the family once or twice a year. They mostly hang with her people and tend to look down their noses at our side of the family as we aren't of the same political views. S-i-l #2 called yesterday: "I heard you had surgery!" (me) "Yes" "So you're doing okay? No one tells me anything!" (me)"I'm fine..." (don't even get to finish what I'm saying when S-i-l #2 cuts me off to, as usual, talk about herself and her family..."It's a shame it had to come to this. Oh well, we're having a great time down in VA...Bob is going to run a marathon, and Billy is at Lacrosse camp and all I do is shop and ...Okay - talk to you later - Bye". What the hell was the point of this call - so you can say you've done your duty? I've been married to my husband for over 15 years and I have yet to attend a family function where these people have ever let someone finish talking or expressed any real interest in what's going on in anyone else's life:eek:
RavenClaw779

RavenClaw779

5
 

New Drawers!

So - I'm down from a size 24/26 to around an 18/20 and my underwear was just too big, so I had to go buy some new big girl panties. The experience, though a positive (smaller size) was some what daunting. Why? Well, all the winter clearance sales are going on and there are some sweet deals but as I cruised the racks I realized that by this time next year I have no idea what size I might be. Will I have lost significant weight or just a couple of sizes? So I comfort myself by remembering that I've spent the past 10 years getting to be this big all while continuing my career so whew - I'm covered...I have clothes of all sizes! That is until I remember that a few years ago in a fit of "let's get real - you'll never be anything but a 3x " I donated all those clothes to Dress for Success. What's the problem? Even years ago when I was an 8/10 I HATED shopping and still do. Over the years I've built a wardrobe of quality classics - "investment pieces" so that at most I buy a new item or two with the emphasis on that which always fits - Shoes & Purses. Now I'm going to have to see just how much my tailor can alter what I've got and push myself into the dreaded - FITTING ROOM w/ MIRRORS:eek:
RavenClaw779

RavenClaw779

1
 

Name Change

Yes - Changed my screen name. Thought I was being clever "JaxNole88" refering to the last vacation (Jackson Hole, WY) I enjoyed before I was really plus sized (1988). Got too many strange inquires so I decided to go even more obscure.   RavenClaw779 - Was it my "house" at Hogwarts:tongue2:? Or is it a part of a line from a poem(song) by a famous singer? Did I weigh 779 pounds? Things that make you go "hmmm"!   Ponder on dear readers...
RavenClaw779

RavenClaw779

0
 

My Reasons for Weight Loss Surgery

Reasons for Weight Loss Surgery Part 1   I was a normal weight child and very active - a “Tomboy”. My home life at best was dysfunctional , at worst, physically and emotionally abusive. Food and access to food was controlled by my mother. You ate what was put on your plate and if you didn’t finish by the time everyone else had, you sat there until you did. Didn’t finish? Your plate was put in the refrigerator and served again at breakfast and again until you ate it. You were not allowed to help yourself to something to eat in between meals and there were no “after school snacks” unless I had a friend over. When I had company, treats like milk and cookies were offered but I knew better than to have any - as soon as the other child had gone home, I’d be castigated for having eaten the “treats” which were “just for company“. I was also schooled not to accept any snacks at a playmates’ house. If by chance the other parent mentioned to my mother that, “the kids had a snack of…“ as soon we got home I would be punished.   Food and the withholding of food figured prominently in our disciplining. Poor grade on a test - I was sent to my room to await my father’s return from work. At which point I would be beaten with a belt and sent to bed with no dinner. Accused of “back talking” - sent to my room to write 1,000 sentences; “I will not back talk” - and provided an apple and a glass of milk per day until the task was completed.   My mother designated food as belonging to certain people; “your father’s cookies”, “my ice cream”. To ensure my brothers and I didn’t, “steal” or “sneak” food, it was often hidden. When I was 9 or 10, my younger brother already had a weight problem so to ensure neither of us were eating outside of my mother’s control, we were locked in our rooms at night.   Mealtime was itself was a miserable experience. My father would come home from work to down a pitcher of martinis and as my mother would harangue about a variety of issues, we would sit down to dinner. To deflect my father’s anger away from her, my mother would pick a scapegoat. Usually, it was me. Both of my parents made it clear from the time I was a small child that they hadn’t wanted a daughter, thus I was fair game for humiliation for any shortcomings ranging from a poor grade or a messy room to not being invited to a party. More often than not the verbal abuse would denigrate to being slapped, punched or dragged by my hair from the room before being beaten with a belt. I learned to eat fast and get away from the table as quickly as possible.   At age 13, my mother became concerned that I was getting, “too fat” and took me to the pediatrician for my annual physical. The doctor assured her my weight was normal and that I was developing into a woman. As we left the doctor’s office my mother told me that she, “Didn’t care what the doctor said - you’re going on a diet!“.   I tend to recall that day as the day my problems with food really started.   My mother was an expert dieter - 5’6’’ and no more than 118 pounds ever. Extremely proud that at the birth of her last child, my second brother, she’d gained no weight, her eating habits were poor: coffee and a cigarette for breakfast, a weight loss shake for lunch, minimal servings of whatever we had for dinner, followed by a large serving of frozen yogurt for dessert.   Following the fateful doctor visit, the focus on my weight became excruciating as did the rules. No bread, no dessert, breakfast of coffee and orange juice only. My lunch was packed for me daily and was the same thing - dry tuna, an apple, a thermos of skim milk. Dinner was portioned out by my mother - no seconds allowed. We did not celebrate my birthday one year as I was “too fat”. Now in high school, the control over my eating extended to my personal life. My mother went though my drawers, reading notes from friends, refusing to allow me to drive, or work, putting me on social restrictions for months. Despite this I was a solid B+ student, class officer and involved in numerous clubs and school organizations. At home the physical and verbal abuse continued; I had, “thunder thighs”, “whale lips”, “piano legs”.   I chose a college five hours away from home. While I quickly got the hang of college life, the availability of food was something I wasn’t used to. I joined at sorority and lived in the house. We were provided with three meals a day and it certainly wasn’t the narrow selections offered to me a home. Other girls were eating bread and dessert - it wasn’t long before I was eating like everyone else.   I was 118 pounds when I left home and 133 when I came home for Thanksgiving my freshman year. My mother was furious and refused to speak to me again after advising me that if I wasn’t down to 118 by Christmas, there’d be no presents. I wasn’t and there weren’t.   When I came home for the summer break that year I was up to 156. This time I was advised that it was too humiliating to be for her to been seen in public with a “pig” and that if I wasn’t 120 by the time it was time to return to school there would be no new clothes. That summer passed with her indirect references to me as “her”, “she” and “it”, using other family members to communicate as necessary.   I came home from my summer job on my birthday to find my parents had left that day for a beach vacation with my brothers. The note left indicated that no one wanted me to go as it was too embarrassing to be seen with someone as “disgusting” as me.   I left for college that fall - 123 pounds but no new clothes as I weighed “too much”.   I haven’t worn shorts or a bathing suit since then. (Continued...)
RavenClaw779

RavenClaw779

5
 

Mortified

That's the only word I could come up with describe what I felt when I saw the photo my husband took of me at a charity event the other night. Here I am, sixty pounds smaller than I was at my highest weight. I straighted my naturally curly, unruly hair and was wearing an outfit I thought looked nice and certainly fit a lot looser than the last time I wore it. Since I was the chairman of this event, I really made an effort to look good.   OMG! I looked enormous - I'm only a 38B but I looked like a line backer with a giant jelly roll. Can your head also get fat? I know your face can, but damn if I didn't look like my head was a large melon wearing a flat blonde wig. All the hassles and hurling of the past three years you'd think I'd at least have looked better than I did 60 pounds ago, but no - I look exactly the same!   In for my pre-admission testing on Friday and the nurse said to me, "So the band didn't work for you?" . I've gotten so tired of explaining what I've gone through I just let her roll on with a lecture of how people really need to deal with the root cause of their eating issues. Yeah - tell me about it Twiggy! Laughably, now that I'm really eating next to nothing - let's put it this way, even yogurt can be tough to get down - you'd think the pounds would just be falling off especially after a day of creating my extensive outdoor Christmas light display and hauling boxes up from the basement and down from the attic. Nope - no change.   I'll be interested to see if when(if?) I can eat more normally, whether I'm going to balloon up or whether having had such a negative relationship with food for so long, if I'll lose or just hang out at this same weight forever.   One thing for sure - No more photos!!
RavenClaw779

RavenClaw779

3
 

More Fluid Out of The Band

Unfortunately, I've returned to having discomfort after several bites of greek yogurt so my PA took 1cc out of the band - and ahh...no more pain. My labs and counts were all good, but my A1C is still a little over 7%, so I remain on my meds. Because of the issues I've been having, I have to have an upper GI series... At this point all I can say is at least I'm not gaining!
RavenClaw779

RavenClaw779

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