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All Over & Back to Fat -n- Flabby

Monday, as I sat in pre-op waiting for the surgeon, I see a sign which states this particular facility has a goal of providing, "Very good care" - not "Outstanding", not "Excellent", just very good.   I don't know that I would even state that their care is "very good".   As usual, everyone on the medical team was running late. Unlike other facilities, their pre-op has no privacy so I got a good dose of people watching. Let's bring six or seven people with us, all talking loudly, with kids running every where poking their heads into other patient's waiting areas. Here's a hint to the extended family of the 300 lb + guy being prepped for gastric bypass...trotting in with a large box of doughnuts and an obese toddler in cordoroy pants so tight you could hear them rubbing together, does not signal future success for the patient!   After several attempts to get the i.v. line in, finally and painfully it's jammed in my hand. In comes my surgeon who I haven't seen since the last surgery in July. He calls me by another patient's name and asks if I followed all the prep instructions for my bypass surgery!? I laugh it off and remind him of who I am and what we're doing - "...Oh yeah - my mistake - just have so many of you all today...".   Surgery went well, but as to be expected, as this is the second time opening the same incisions in under six months, the swelling, bruising and pain is much more severe than last time. As I'm getting dressed to go home I see bright red blood all over my clothes - yes, I'm bleeding from all six steri-stripped incisions. As they bandage me up they're telling me that this is "normal". Thankfully the discharge instructions were a bit more complete than last time, unfortunately though, the script for the pain meds was written incorrectly. The error was caught when my husband dropped the scripts off at the pharmacy, but since the pharmacy was unable to reach the surgeon or his PA until the next day, I got to go almost 24 hours with nothing but OTC ibuprophan and ice packs.   It's been four days since surgery and no one from the practice has called to follow up or see how I'm doing. I did get an email telling me my follow up appointment has been moved to Christmas Eve - fabulous!   Par for the course, I'm not hungry and have pretty much just had coffee, water, broth and a few crackers and yet have managed to gain four pounds! Way to go Jill - in no time I'll be back to where I was before - the biggest gal in the room who eats less than everyone else!
RavenClaw779

RavenClaw779

3
 

Feeling Stupid...

Attended a luncheon award ceremony for a co-worker yesterday. Whole group of us got together to go. Most know I had lap band surgery and know about the problems I've had plus the corrective surgery.   Since the problems have come back, I've been reluctant to say anything as even to my own ears it sounds stupid to have undergone another expensive surgery to end up right where I was before.   To be safe I ordered the vegetarian option as that's generally safe and soft. Thought I'd be okay with a couple of small bites of salad. One grape tomato and a piece of curly endive the size of my thumb nail and I was off to the bathroom hoping to find it empty.   Got the problem resolved and had a cup of coffee - sometimes the heat helps especially when I'm wearing a bra. Managed half of my veggie lasagna(blando) and dessert(nice, soft mousse) and got to appear normal.   Keep trying to convince myself that I'm fine and that the surgery had to have fixed the problem. It must all be in my head and if I just don't think about it everything will normalize.   Been up since 8am - working from home today. Finally decided to eat. Bowl of raisen bran with skim milk. Three bites and blocked. Man do I feel dumb.
RavenClaw779

RavenClaw779

5
 

Mortified

That's the only word I could come up with describe what I felt when I saw the photo my husband took of me at a charity event the other night. Here I am, sixty pounds smaller than I was at my highest weight. I straighted my naturally curly, unruly hair and was wearing an outfit I thought looked nice and certainly fit a lot looser than the last time I wore it. Since I was the chairman of this event, I really made an effort to look good.   OMG! I looked enormous - I'm only a 38B but I looked like a line backer with a giant jelly roll. Can your head also get fat? I know your face can, but damn if I didn't look like my head was a large melon wearing a flat blonde wig. All the hassles and hurling of the past three years you'd think I'd at least have looked better than I did 60 pounds ago, but no - I look exactly the same!   In for my pre-admission testing on Friday and the nurse said to me, "So the band didn't work for you?" . I've gotten so tired of explaining what I've gone through I just let her roll on with a lecture of how people really need to deal with the root cause of their eating issues. Yeah - tell me about it Twiggy! Laughably, now that I'm really eating next to nothing - let's put it this way, even yogurt can be tough to get down - you'd think the pounds would just be falling off especially after a day of creating my extensive outdoor Christmas light display and hauling boxes up from the basement and down from the attic. Nope - no change.   I'll be interested to see if when(if?) I can eat more normally, whether I'm going to balloon up or whether having had such a negative relationship with food for so long, if I'll lose or just hang out at this same weight forever.   One thing for sure - No more photos!!
RavenClaw779

RavenClaw779

3
 

I'm Beat...

Back to the WLS for the next installment of Jill's endless problems with the band.   My appointment was scheduled for 1:00pm and it's about an hour drive. As usual, but for coffee, there isn't any thing I'm going to get down before 10:00am at the earliest. So I planned to just skip eating as it takes me 40+ minutes to work down a Yoplait and some oatmeal. Around 11:00am my husband asked me if I'd make him a sandwich. While making said sandwich I ate one single slice of deli ham and was immediately blocked. Didn't feel like I was going to throw up, it was just 'there'...until I got in the car. About half way to the doctor's office I started sliming and feeling like maybe I should pull over but I made it, checked in, went to the restroom and got sick. All it produced was a tiny piece of ham. Still felt blocked an hour later leaving the doctor's office and ended up throwing up over and over in my car on I-87. Thank God I have a plastic waste basket in my car. Now that's ironic considering I'd made it for a whole week without an episode and once again convinced myself it must just be in my head!   What did the WLS have to say? It's gotta come out. While it's comforting to know the band failed me and not the other way around, having my WLS announce that I need to start planning my revision surgery pronto because he "knows" most patients who have their band removed, "blow up" just adds to the anxiety. So much for the band allowing me to finally stop focusing on food, my weight etc. Let's stir in the fact that I've got to try to find the time before the end of the year it get this done for fear that with the onslaught of Obama-Care I won't have coverage.   It funny how I didn't really notice what poor nutrition does as prior to the attempted repair surgery the problems had slowly built up. I'm a pretty busy person and had just chalked up being tired to my schedule, menopause etc. In the month where I was able to eat more normally and a wider range of foods, I had more energy, got more done and didn't need to nap everyday just to get up the energy to finish chores. Not to sound vain, but I had people telling me how well I looked - which I found to be odd - just how bad was I looking!?! My hair was glossy again and my nails grew.   Since the return of the problems my hairbrush looks like a small kitten and my nails are breaking and splitting and once again I'm hearing, "You look tired". And so I am - nap time for Jill!
RavenClaw779

RavenClaw779

3
 

Jill's Pity Party

Last night as we sat down to dinner - me with my half cup of mashed potatoes and fat free refried beans and my husband enjoying the salad, grilled squash, baked potato and burgers made, of course, by me, I proceeded to have a pity party. I mentioned to my husband how crazy it is that three years and roughly $50,000 later( Thank God for insurance!) and I'm only 33 pounds lighter than I was on the day of my surgery. On I ranted about the past year of puking, eating less than 1,000 calories a day, of tracking my WW points and almost never eating my daily allowance...   His response - "You need to exercise more!"   Yes - that's the magic bullet...except that in six months of working out at the "Y" with 30-45 minutes of cardio I lost nothing despite restricting my intake. I haven't been working out much as the problems increased - frankly, on the little I was getting down, I needed a nap just to power through my day. Since I wasn't busting it at the gym, you'd think I'd be packing it on, but no, neither gained nor lost.   Don't ya love it when someone who never had a weight problem and can eat whatever lectures you on what you should do? Like the waif nutritionist teaching a recent cancer survivors class I took....all of 23 and just out of school, she advised us all to, "Eat more fiber!", "Exercise More!"   What set this off? I know I weigh less - my clothes tell me that, but catching a glimpse of myself in a full length mirror and I'm the same tug boat I was at 283 - same puffy toad belly, same cankles. Seems that 65 pound lost should look like something!   Looking for the positive - I have less food related guilt. I no longer eat pizza. I don't buy snacks, candy, ice cream. I don't indulge in "binge" behaviors any more, so I don't have the weight of being "bad" on my shoulders. Unfortunately, I think I'm going to have to accept that I did this to myself and will wear this fat mantle until the day I die. Couple this with my mastectomy scarred chest and it's a wonder I ever leave the house!
RavenClaw779

RavenClaw779

1
 

Breaking Up...

...With the Band!   If I had to write a letter to my soon to be "ex" I'd have to say,"Baby, it's been a long and expensive three years and while the 34 pounds I lost since the day we got together is progress to a better, healthier me, the price has been a bit steep.   Each of those pounds cost about $2200 - thank God for insurance or you'd have bankrupted me!   The vomiting, the socially inappropriate talking stomach yelling, "Nnnow...ow.ow..." in meetings, the hair loss and breaking nails, the three bites and bolt for the bathroom aerobics, making sure not to bend over least lunch leap out of my mouth, the double band aka my bra, the conveniently locate port-o-pain just so situated so as to be like the toe you just keep stubbing...on the door to the dryer, the edge of the cart at the grocery store and don't even mention how it appears to be a magnet for the small child or pet climbing into your lap.   Ah yes - thanks for the memories, but I've got to end this relationship as it's cramping what little style I have left!   Lunch interview for a job - forget it! Ditto for lunch with the girls or a family dinner. What with everyone watching to see if my trip to the bathroon is to pee or to puke?! It's become the only thing some family members talk about. How can Jill still be so big - she doesn't eat anything!   I will give you this - you have definitely changed my relationship with food. Having puked up so many different foods, there are things that just the smell of now makes me nauseous. Last night's two bites of tuna noodle casserole crossed another off the lengthy list.   Sure - I'm afraid I'm going to pack it all back on, but perhaps the memory of this bad relationship will help keep me focused.   I got the big song & dance from your pal, the weight loss surgeon, who told me how great you were and all you could do for me. Now even he's telling me you're bad news. Of course that's not stopping him from trying to hook me up with either of his other friends - Mr. Roux-N-Y or Mr. G. Sleeve.   For now though, I think I'm going to hanging with a plain jane kind of pal - Ms. W. Watchers and see how things go!
RavenClaw779

RavenClaw779

3
 

Checking In Four Months Post Band Removal

Definitely over-enjoyed my band freedom and regained 17 pounds eating without abandon. Some problems persist: Pills are still tough to get down. I can eat raw carrots and radishes, but they do get a bit stuck if I'm not careful. Had to give up tomato juice - acid reflux. Have to take an antacid before eating something with tomato sauce or anything remotely greasy - surprise! turkey bacon is a bit too fatty for me. Still feel banded when I eat with a bra on   The weight gain gave me that out-of-control feeling and I started considering the gastric sleeve or the full bypass until it dawned on me that neither restricts your eating persay. It might take you longer to get it down and you might end up vomiting or dumping, but if you're an emotional and/or binge eater, you're likely to press on. Actually started missing my band with the thought that at least it kept me from blossoming back to 283. Then I started listening to myself and it sounded like I wasn't taking any responsibility for any of my weight issues, but I still decided I couldn't trust myself.   I mentioned to my husband that I was thinking of going to an informational seminar at a new bariatrics practice which just opened locally with a highly respected surgeon. He said he thought I was, "nuts" but he'd go with me if I really wanted to go down this road again.   Still on the fence when I got a call from an old friend who was aware I'd had the procedure, but not the complications. We got to talking. He begged me not to go through another surgery - he and his wife just lost a good friend who'd gone in for the sleeve and died several days later from a blood clot. Yes, I know, all surgery has risks but it sat in the back of my mind...   About a week later, I had lunch with a new friend who didn't know I'd had the procedure, but was aware of my apparent inability to eat much of anything. When I ordred something besides my usual soup, she mentioned it was good to see me actually eating something. This opened the door and I told her about my band experience. Her response surprised me - she commented that I was "lucky" to have made it!? Apparently, she has a friend who'd used the same surgeon as I. Her friend also was banded, and ended up in the hospital for over a month with complications. She survived but continues to have troubles. Again, Yes - I know, all surgery has risks but it sat in the back of my mind...   Yesterday sealed the deal. One of my business associates had sleeve surgery about six weeks ago. He seemed to be doing fine. We were schedule to meet yesterday afternoon to discuss a proposal. When he didn't show, I called his office. His assistant told me he'd collapsed at work in severe pain and they had to call 911. I'm still waiting to hear what happened - all I know is he's, "stable". Maybe it has nothing to do with his sleeve surgery - but is that likely?   That old saying about things happening in threes got me thinking that maybe this is a sign and I should pay attention.   I've decided it's time to parent myself. If I won't feed my nieces and nephews crap, why am I feeding it to myself?   I've begun working through various self-help books on disordered eating. One amusingly but perhaps accurately pointed out that a binge is an adult form of a temper tantrum. I'm scared, angry, not getting my own way. I'm too old to throw myself on the floor kicking and screaming, so what can I do? I'll stuff myself with the kind of food that sooths the child in me - Candy! Ice Cream! Junk Food! until I stuff down the fear, anger or disappointment. Interesting idea.   I've gone back to Weight Watchers and am embracing a more vegan diet. Not a bad idea as a cancer survivor with a family history of heart disease. I'm finding that by focusing on whole grains, limiting processed food and added sugar plus nixing coffee after 3pm, I'm not feeling bloated and sluggish. With meals in the 300-400 calorie range, I'm able to go about four hours without needing to snack. If I do need a little something, I've got string cheese, carrots, celery, fruit on hand. I don't feel guilty when I eat and I'm not skipping meals so that I get to the point that I'm ravenous and looking for candy and fast food.   Am I a saint? No. Will I slip? Of course. But when I lay the cards out on the table, I realize it's up to me to save my health.   So far, I've lost seven of the gained pounds. I'm taking it one day at a time.
RavenClaw779

RavenClaw779

0
 

Third Anniversary - The Most Expensive 22 Pounds Loss Ever!

Coming up on three years since I was banded. The eight months post surgery was understably the adjustment prior. The following year a wash due to cancer surgery and treatment. Things had actually started to move in the right direction until July '12 when the problems started. I'm 22 pounds lower than the day of surgery - given all the expenses involved, that's about $1,500 a pound. To whit, I am 50+ pounds lower than my highest weight, but as a size 18w ain't no one going to call me "slim" - and I'm still a Type II diabetic.   The problems, which have been bothering me since July - please, if you're having any issues, go to your WLS ASAP - continue regardless of the medications. I have my follow up to the endoscopy this week.   Yesterday was classic. Out late the night before, so I slept in 'til about 10am(for me a real treat). Got up and had coffee. Not hungry, so I was working around the house i.e., on my feet on on the go. Around 2:30pm I felt hungry, so I made myself a piece of toast with Smart Balance. According to my WLS, I should be able to eat this... Nibbled it down and then it came back up or the course of six trips to the bathroom. Waited a bit and settle my stomach with some tea.   Around 7pm, I managed yogurt with no problems. Several hours later I was hungry again, so I scrambled 1/4 egg sub and cooked 1/4 oatmeal. The eggs I ate standing - no problem. Took my oatmeal downstairs to eat while watching TV. Got it down no problem. Watched an episode of a fav show on my DVR - fast forwarding through commercials, so sitting for about 45 minutes. Went back upstairs to go to bed. Felt blocked and stuffed, but thought it was all in my head. Took my bedtime meds and just made it to the bathroom for another three episodes of vomiting.   I'd hoped that having this procedure would mean that I could finally stop thinking about food all the time. Instead I'm thinking about it even more. What I can and can't eat. How I can avoid eating in social situations. How I can pretend eat so I can fake my way through family dinners. Knowing what I should eat, should be able to eat but choosing the slider route to be safe. God how I envy those with no food issues!
RavenClaw779

RavenClaw779

4
 

Clinical - Cold - Cattle Call?

Finally made it back to my WLS for the follow up to my endoscopy. Had to reschedule twice - once due to a funeral and oncedue to a severe snowstorm. Figured since nothing had changed for better or worse, other then dealing with what I've already been dealing with, no big deal. Figured after the total $5,500 procedure where allegedly, "biopsies" were taken, if there was a problem, the surgeon would have called. Actually, I thought regardless of the results, someone would've called, but no one did.   My WLS just moved their office to a new location and with the gray-green paint, super-wide doors and chairs, no magazines and their brusque, unfriendly check-in staff, it was just sooo warm and inviting! It was entertaining watching them shuttle one after another new patient in, with that 'I'm doing you a favor...let's move it along...sign here, here...' eyerolling, heavy sigh annoyed attitude which was delightful.   As usual I'm taken in for the prefunctory weigh in, blood pressure, temperature nonsense and left to sit for 45 minutes past my appointment time. Finally, in trots the PA. I've never met her before and she clearly has no idea why I'm there, so I have to go over the whole deal again. She then asks me what I want to do and I have to explain again that that's why I'm here - to find our what the surgeon noted on the endoscopy and what her thoughts were. "Didn't, umm the doctor, umm talk to like whoever brought you to umm the procedure?" So I recap for her what the surgeon told my husband hoping that'll jog her into disclosing any additional impressions/recommendation/biopsy results the surgeon noted, but no, she comes back with, "well, that's about it...". So I ask the PA what the surgeon suggests we do and she tells me the surgeon was hoping that by scoping me and writing scripts for Prilosec, the problem would've resolved itself?! WTF!   Note that a no time has the surgeon come in to speak with me, although he's there - I saw him in passing.   The PA steps out into the HALL and discusses me and my case in the HALL with the surgeon. The PA comes back in and says to me, "We have one question first - why did it take you so long to come back in?" . I was polite when I said, "Pardon? Do you mean when I first had problems, or for my post-endoscopy follow up?" She's confused(again!) so I have to explain the whole deal from July '12(see my earlier entries) again and then explain that I can't just blow off a funeral and I'm not dumb enough to ignore the local authorites telling me to stay off the roads with a fast falling foot plus of snow!   Long and short of it - I have to go back AGAIN(Chach-ching) to meet with the surgeon to discuss removal, revision... Interesting to note - you can have mastectomies and immediate reconstruction(same time), but apparently you can't have your band removed and have a new band or other surgery. You must "heal" and come back to be opened up again for a second time. Why? According to the PA, it's to ensure your insurance company will cover it!!!
RavenClaw779

RavenClaw779

3
 

A Month Out from Band Removal

It's been so refreshing not to be bent over the toilet at least once a day - and it's freed me from way too much tooth brushing and having to carry eye drops with me at all times!   First couple of weeks weren't that rough. Wasn't very hungry and often it seemed like I was a computer with a glitch. I'd have what felt like the start of a hunger pang, but instead, I'd have a wave of nausea. It took awhile for me to return to being "regular", which I wasn't from about the time I started having problems. Surgery and painkillers can really add to the problem, so finally being back on schedule is great. Nothing worse than heading out to the office feeling like you're carrying a bowling ball in your...ahem...   Hadn't eaten meat/poultry/fish in so long that I have yet to crave it. I made a beautiful standing rib roast for our New Year's Day party. Once was one of my most favorite meals. Smelled great but I ended up only eating about a one inch square piece and just found it to be okay. Same deal with bread and pasta - the only exception being my mother-in-law's homemade rolls which were so fabulous I had four!   Made baked swai(fish) last night for dinner and just smelling it as I was plating for me and the hubs made me nauseous. Maybe in time.   Pills are still a bit tricky and I'm not sure if it's psychosomatic or physical, but with enough water, it's doable.   So what am I eating? Never been a breakfast person, so I go the route of a late breakfast or early lunch - brunch! I've been combining Weight Watchers with a great cookbook I found, Hungry Girl's 300 Under 300 by Lisa Lillian.   Today I had a Very Veggie Egg Mug with spinach, mushrooms, onion, tomatoes, light Laughing Cow cheese and egg substitute(188 calories), a glass of OJ and coffee. I'm not hungry and I feel good. Will likely have some coffee, string cheese and fruit as an afternoon snack, a Lean Cusine and salad for dinner(hubs out-of-town = Jill off kitchen detail), some yogurt or maybe a half cup of ice cream for dessert.   Yes, I've had some - okay - ALL of the forbidden foods since having the band removed and the truth is that as good as they taste, eating that way tends to make me feel sluggish and sets up a chain reaction of me needing a nap, then staying up too late and not getting enough sleep, then eating a fast-fix i.e., carbs or junk food to power up, which then leads to a post-sugar crash and then we're back to square one.   Not exactly sure what has changed in me. I was always a stress eater and not having that as an escape during the past couple of years may have broken the habit. It may also have been just how negative the whole experience was for me(no knock against anyone else's choices or success) and realizing how long I've let my weight dictate my life, that is forcing me to, for lack of a better word, parent myself into better eating. 90% sure I do not want another WLS and it's likely that if I continue to lose, I wouldn't qualify. Sure don't want to go through what I did the last time when I was encourage to "gain a few" to make sure to "seal the deal" for insurance coverage.   The big question - Have I gained? No - actually I've lost five pounds since the surgery and finally broke the two year plateau! 70 pounds lost. 30 with the band. Only 68 to go!
RavenClaw779

RavenClaw779

3
 

One Blissful Month...

When the swelling finally went down - about the third week in July - I was finally able to eat normally. Didn't go crazy, but was able to eat all those things that had become impossible due to "Jill's Rules"(see prior blog entries for details). I ate salad, had a steak, had pizza- had everything I wasn't able to eat for over a year. Actually got to go out to lunch with my girlfriends! Continued tracking my WW points and was feeling great...until the end of August.   Invited to dinner at a friend's house - yet another experience I'd largely had to either pass on or do my fake-out food shuffle around the plate routine. The roast was a bit tough, but with no fill, drinking with meal, I was able to get it down. That was until the drive home, where I started gagging, sliming and couldn't get to the bathroom fast enough for a prolonged period of vomiting.   It's been down hill since then. Pretty much any solid food creates the pain across the lower jaw and shoulders. Every episode results in an upper abdomen swelling that looks like I'm pregnant. Back to not being able to eat while wearing a bra. Back to the protein shakes, yogurt, cottage cheese...zzzz. Maybe if they made savory yogurts instead of just sweets - LOL   Next appointment isn't until October ("soonest available") - not that there's anything that can be done. There's no fill in the band. Dreading what I know my WLS is going to want to do...more pricey tests and re-tests that I can't afford.   I was warned that this might not resolve the problem and that in the future I'd likely need to have it removed. Just don't know if my insurance would cover it or if I could even swing another $500 co-pay, time off from work, surgery/recovery. Guess I'm just happy to have the memory of that one month.
RavenClaw779

RavenClaw779

0
 

Cha-CHING!

Well, I'd was holding out hope that maybe just maybe sticking to soft(but nutritionally sound) foods would result in a miracle and I'd be able to start working in some normal foods and not need surgery. Alas...attended a party yesterday where I managed a couple of tablespoons of guacmole, a teaspoon of corn salad and two mini empanadas - or so I thought.A half hour after my last bite I was in the bathroom - SIX times before leaving for home. It continued after I got home and removed my "second band" - my bra. Later that night I barely got down a cup of hot tea.   Amusingly enough a friend who is also banded was at the party. She's had several fills, and had no trouble eat small amounts of all the different foods served - and there I am with no fill barfing to beat the band.   Pretty much decided that when the band comes out, the surgeon would do a vertical sleeve - after all that's what we'd talked about. Called my insurance carrier and they were okay with this - no additional hoops to jump through. Imagine my surprise when the case coordinator called to tell me that before a removal/revision, I'd have to have another psych consult, testing, nutritional counseling, attend a class about WLS and two support groups. It took some back and forth for me to finally get her to tell me that while my insurance carrier does not require this, their practice does!? Really - did you tell your surgeon this 'cause he was planning to do the full monty in a couple of weeks. Now my choice is to try to run around and get all these additional "requirements" done in a couple of weeks before a 6/15 surgery date, or have the band out and then go through the whole set of hoops again for another surgery in a couple of months OR wait to have the removal/revision after I fulfill these requirements again. Seriously?
RavenClaw779

RavenClaw779

2
 

It's Deja Vu All Over Again!

Still hanging at the 216-224 range. It's gotten to the point that I have "rules" that are so bizarre that my husband is pushing me to see my WLS. I don't want to go back for fear I'm going to hear it's my fault I haven't lost more...   Jill's Rules - not really mine, what my body is dictating:   *Can't eat before 10am; thankfully, coffee goes down okay. *Can't get breakfast down(1/4c oatmeal, 1/4c egg sub, 2 slices turkey bacon or yogurt and fruit) in under 45 minutes. *Can't be wearing a bra or anything remotely fitted around my waist - food will not go down. *Can't sit down to eat - three bites and I'm backlogged. *Attempt to sit down to dinner - see above - then run to the bathroom, throw up food plus a nasty looking mucus ball(TMI-I know!) Then - surprise! I can eat..as long as I stand up to do it. *Hungry all the time - and it's not in my head - my stomach growls so loudly my co-workers crack up in meetings. *Obsessed w/chocolate - never was before. It's either because it will go down and gives me instant(temporary) energy or because if the serotonin release. *Vomitting can be triggered by something as small as the thin slice of a radish or a 1/4 tsp size piece of chicken and can go on for hours. *After throwing up, the area around my port seems to puff up. Despite having my haital hernia fixed a surgery, I feel like I have acid reflux.   When I list it all, it does seem a bit ridiculous for me to continue to suffer. I guess I should just be glad that I'm no longer 286 pounds. Healthier with well-controlled blood glucose, but still the biggest gal in the room. Still not taken seriously or talked down to because I'm plus sized. I suppose it's time I just suck it up and accept that this is as good as it's going to get.
RavenClaw779

RavenClaw779

3
 

I'm Kicking Myself

Writing this as I sit on hold as my WLS office attempts to schedule yet another follow up appointment. I've been transfered and disconnected three times, so I've now spent 45 minutes just trying to get an appointment. Guess if you get confused, or tired of dealing with computer hassles - just hang up!   Par for the course, I was not seen by my WLS for yesterday's post-surgical follow up and once again had to go through the whole history again with yet another PA I'd never met. Once we established that I hadn't just had a band placed, the PA went and got a print out of my surgical notes(not in the file!?). What I was told - my band hadn't slipped, but I had a significant hiatel hernia as well as adhesions(scarring). Per my request to save the band, the surgeon repaired the hiatel hernia.   What the PA indicated was missed/wrong in the discharge instructions: - Pain med should've been in liquid form. - Only Rx meds - no vitamins or supplements unless liquid form until swelling subsides(surgeon noted it okay to resume all meds on day after surgery) - A script for Prilosec in liquid form - Instruction to consume only liquids and pureed food until further notice. No greek yogurt - "too thick". - No lifting anything over the weight of a gallon of milk. - Walking is the only exercise allowed for now.   According to the PA, the repair was quite intense, so the symptoms I've been having are not surprising. Still have abdominal swelling which may take several more weeks to heal. The lump at the base of my throat is from the two tubes inserted during surgery. The cough,reflux and restriction are also a result of surgical irritation, but if I'd been given the Rx for Prilosec, should be significantly less. It may take up to six weeks to see if this corrects the problem.   In the meantime, I've been told I'm not eating enough, so I need to push protein shakes. First and only time I've heard that I should work in some ice cream!   So now we again start with the every 7 - 10 day follow up $400 appointments regardless of the fact I'm not getting a fill. That hour and a half roundtrip drive along with juggling a work schedule that doesn't have much flexibility - super!   I'm kicking myself for having the band left in. It's a tool. It works great for a lot of people - no "hate" here, but for me, the quality of life has dwindled. This is the second hiatel hernia repair. The three years the band has been in have resulted in significant internal scarring, an inability to eat normally, declining social life, endless testing, medicines, embarassing situations, costly co-pays...
RavenClaw779

RavenClaw779

2
 

All Done With Chemo

Had my last chemo treatment a week ago. Just now starting to feel a bit more like myself. My oncologist tells me the rule of thumb is to double the number of months you went through treatment and that's a rough estimate of when you'll actually feel like you did before treatment. So for me that'll be around January 2012. Lost my hair - though it is coming back already - and my eyelashes- which really sucks as I consistantly feel like I have grit in my eyes. Biggest side effect is the fatigue which varies from day to day but hasn't been so bad that I've been nonfunctional. Very proud of myself that despite being on heavy duty steroids the day before, day of and day after chemo(including extra given with the chemo), I didn't go crazy eating and only gained 9 pounds through treatment. I was warned before the last go-round in 2000 that I could gain up to 40lbs during the process - which I did plus more! I was given the same warning this time and it scared the crap out of me since I battled to get banded and have struggled to make it work. My oncologist says I can resume adjustments whenever I want, but I think I'm going to give it a month or so to settle out especially as my immune system will be compromised for awhile.   Whew - tired already - Nap Time!
RavenClaw779

RavenClaw779

4
 

Getting Kicked Out of the Band

Despite another 45 minute wait, I was pleasantly surprised by today's one-on-one with my surgeon - yet another case for the wisdom of reserving judgment on any given situation. Given the vibe that goes around in my own office and the devils that drive us, I'm willing to bet there are plenty of days we come off as a bunch of witches on wheels.   The surgeon spent almost an hour with me reviewing the test results. The verdict? It appears the stomach has mushroomed over the band. Based on the inflammation, it's got to come out. Though my BMI has dropped below what my insurance carrier would tradtionally approve for a revision to a gastric sleeve, my surgeon seems to feel that there's enough to document I've made a good-faith effort and it's the band that failed, not me. Interestingly enough, he told me that his practice is taking out as many bands as they're putting in, and not as many people are getting them in the first place.   So now I have to decide if I'm just going to have it out or if I'm going to also have revision surgery done at the same time. My husband just wants it gone. He's tired of eating dinner alone and that our friends never invite us out to dinner for fear I'll be uncomfortable or worse. We haven't gone out for dinner in over a year. I dread the required business lunches, charity events involving a meal - even a recent girls' night out for drinks took a turn for the worse when the girls I was with ordered dinner. I wasn't offended and they know it doesn't bother me when they nosh. It was the server who made my life hell. Let's face it - I'm not some waif, so apparently when I declined to order anything she felt the need to comment each time she came to our table..."Sure you're not hungry? You look like you've got a good appetite". When I finally caved and ordered a small appetizer of soft potato puffs even that wasn't enough for her..."Is that all you're going to eat?!". When I couldn't finish it and declined a to-go box, it was..."You barely touched this? Didn't like it?".   I feel like I've had enough surgeries to last a life time but I don't want the weight I lost to come back and I don't want to spend the rest of my life avoiding cameras and feeling like a small tug boat entering a room. I am afraid of complications for a non-reversable procedure and wonder if I just need to accept that at almost 50, my ship has sailed. I'll never be young again. I was pretty for about 15 minutes when I was 23. I wasted my 30's and 40's being obese. It seems like a waste of time to attempt another surgery that may not make any difference just as it seems ridiculous for me to bother having breast reconstruction - I'd need a full body re-do to actually look good.   My husband's vote is to just have it out and then commit to "trying harder and working out more" - Gee, if it were that easy would any of us on this site even be here?   So - anyone out there gone from the band to nothing and maintained &/or continued to lose? Anyone gone from band to sleeve? Good? Bad? I want to hear about it!
RavenClaw779

RavenClaw779

3
 

Swallowed (my pride) & Went Back to My WLS and ....

Had my quarterly follow up with my oncologist on Thursday and mentioned the 'Jill's Rules' as applies to eating. He urged me to go see my WLS and I did on Friday. I was ashamed that I'd gotten down to 216 and have been now hovering at 223 - 227 since July and have been blaming myself for not trying hard enough. When I laid this all out to my WLS, he assured me that it wasn't me, it was the band and told me I should've come in when this first started. He took all the fluid out of the band(4cc) and I'm to follow up with him on Monday. He's concerned that my stomach has mushroomed over the band and that due to the amount of time I waited before coming in, I may have scar tissue which would mean additional surgery. So far so good though - was able to eat an english muffin and a scrambled egg for breakfast yesterday in 20 minutes and actually got to go out to dinner with my husband, eat while sitting down and wearing a bra without having to run to the bathroom in agony. It felt so good to feel normal I almost cried!
RavenClaw779

RavenClaw779

4
 

Hello Jelly Roll!?!

My weight is fluxuating between 216 and 222 - feels like I'm circling the drain so to speak. Plugging along with Weight Watchers and working out but having a hard time getting my weight to stablize. Considered going in for a fill, but it seems like I'm stuck at least once a day and vomitting at least once a week. Wish I could say it's consistantly due to the same food violations(pizza, bagels, bread - you know, the "No-No's") but it happened the other morning with my scrambled eggs(couldn't even get them down - my dog loved it though) and I had a fun two hour bout in the bathroom the other night over one stalk of steamed asparagus and less than an ounce of grilled chicken. I can actually eat a slice of thin crust pizza with no problem. Don't really eat bread anymore and forget bagels - but when three mini pretzels cause a problem it gets frustrating. Sometimes I'm afraid to go out to eat for fear that I going to have an incident. Frankly, there are many days when I make my breakfast or lunch and it takes 45 minutes to get it down! Oh well - I keep reminding myself that my weight gain was my own damn fault and now I'm paying the price.   Speaking of prices paid - with the weight loss has come the giant jelly roll which fortunately with the right spanx-type garment I can mostly conceal, but I gotta wonder how much this thing weighs? Oh so much fun to have to buy pants etc to accomedate the "roll' then have to have the waist taken in!   Came home from the gym the other day and notice this sweaty(wet?) semi-circle on the lower abdomen of my yoga pants. Probably TMI, but I'm now getting a permenant red rash and tissue breakdown under the "roll". I'm using baby butt cream and powder in an attempt to keep it dry, but if it's this bad now, what'll it be when(if) I get to my goal weight ...another 75 pounds from now?! Maybe I should just pack the area with paper towel, throw on my gridle and live with it!   Amusingly enough, my insurance will cover the surgery since I had WLS - but if I just lost the weight on my own it wouldn't!?! The plastic surgeons I met with re; my breast reconstruction also consulted on my "tummy tuck" - they suggest that I need to be at or near my goal weight before even considering the latter procedure. Course with a roll this big, maybe they could just pull it up and create some faux boobs!
RavenClaw779

RavenClaw779

1
 

Alas...It Was Just A Temporary Fix...

The symptoms got better for a short while, but flared up again, so I had an upper GI series. Could barely choke the barium down and ended up vomiting it up several hours later. Met with my surgeon's PA who reviewed the films. The band looks like it's in the right place, but there was an area of concern which might indicate the band has partially eroded. I was asked if I was "wedded" to my band - not if it's eroding my body parts! Now the surgeon wants to do an EGD. Guess this is usually done at the same time as they go in to effect any repairs or removal, but mine will be done as a "look see" as the surgeon doesn't think the problem is serious... *Reflux is back *Vomiting *Still can't eat with a bra on *Still takes an hour to get a meal down *Still have to more or less stand to eat   ...but hey, none of that is serious...can't wait to do my next business lunch, where I whip off my bra and stand through the entire meal!
RavenClaw779

RavenClaw779

2
 

Sometimes You Just Have To Shake Your Head...

Just got the EOB for my endoscopy. My insurance company was billed $4,400! That's more than my bi-lateral mastectomies cost! No real change to what I can and can't eat - but I can't even imagine how much an exploratory laproscopy would be. Maybe I'll just resign myself to a life of yogurt and protien shakes!
RavenClaw779

RavenClaw779

1
 

Finally Seeing Results

I was banded on 3/9/10 and got down to 222lb before being diagnosed with breast cancer on 1/17/11, Spent 90% of 2011 going through surgery, recovery and chemo and ended back at 243lb. Joined Weight Watchers on 10/20/11, Joined the "Y" on 1/3/12 and started the FitLinx program along with 30 minutes a day of cardio. Just hit my first WW goal of 10% of my weight lost - down to 218!   NSV 1 - Although I'd heard all the talk about how exercise helps you have more energy, sleep better and relieve stress, I always was "too busy". Well, I'm still "too busy", but realized that there are things that can wait, like housework and catering to my hubs needs. Putting my health first needs to be a priority especially if I want to be around for the long haul.   NSV 2- Last band adjustment was Nov '11 - any further adjustments were understandably nixed by my WLS until after I finished treatment and got the okay from my oncologist. I got that okay back in October, but haven't felt the need to go back. My restriction is good but more importantly, I've learned to realize what true hunger is and what's emotional eating.   NSV 3- Kudos from my trainer: Jill - Congratulations you've reached a milestone with your Strength training lifting 100 000 lbs! It is your commitment to regular strength training that got you here. Great job! Adrian   2012 May just be the year I finally reach my goal!       <a href="http://www.TickerFactory.com/weight-loss/waosz4T/"> <img border="0" src="http://tickers.TickerFactory.com/ezt/t/waosz4T/weight
RavenClaw779

RavenClaw779

2
 

The Neighbor from Hell

When we moved from VA six years ago, we found that most of our neighbors were really friendly - except for one couple. From the get-go these people would not say "Hello" or even acknowledge us. We live across the street and two doors down - within eye and ear shot. After witnessing a few incidents of some rough treatment by the parents to their kids and each other, we figured we were blessed NOT to have made their acquaintence.   So imagine my surprise last holiday season when I was up on a ladder helping the hubs hang lights. He was out of sight(on the roof) when I hear a loud voice(rocking a Sopranos accent) call out, "OMG Should someone that SIZE be on a ladder!?!" It was Mrs. Charming Neighbor. Neither my husband and I acknowledged the comment. I sure clarified for me why they didn't like me/us - my weight - what else could it be?   Several weeks later we attended a neighborhood Christmas party. I was floored when our next door neighbor extended her sympathies - apparently she'd heard from Mrs. Charming Neighbor that my husband and I were having problems?! Huh - apparently the fact that my husband was out-of-town for a week long business trip, followed by a trip back to VA to finalize the sale on the house equaled him "leaving me"!? A couple of weeks after that, we had our 6 and 8 year-old niece and nephew spend the weekend while mom & dad a some time off. We don't have kids of our own. Was I surprised to hear the rumor that we were only allowed visitation rights?! Ugh! Today was the icing on the cake. I'm out cleaning up the yard in prep for my spring planting, when I hear Mrs. Charming Neighbor bellow, " Looks like LardAss has finally lost some weight!" Ah, but this time Ms. Nice Girl didn't keep her mouth shut - I bellowed right back, "You're right and thanks for noticing! Too Bad Your Mouth Is As Fat As Ever!" My husband - who took the day off -was rolling with laughter in the garage!:mad:
RavenClaw779

RavenClaw779

5
 

From the Rooter to the Tooter

Instructions from the surgeon's office, "Take 2 Tablespoons of Milk of Magnesia and a Fleet Enema at 7pm the day before surgery". Beyond the concept of giving myself an enema:crying:, isn't the MOM suppose to send it out the door and the Fleet to sweep the remnants away? Figuring that these two events weren't going to happen immediately and knowing my body, I did a test run this weekend - of the MOM not the Fleet. It took 4 hours for the MOM to kick in and then I was in the bathroom 11 times over the next 7 hours. I checked with my PCP - thankfully he told me to back up the MOM dosage and wait until I was "all clear" before part two.
RavenClaw779

RavenClaw779

1
 

Are You Kidding Me?!?

Still smarting from the verbal slap from my surgeon and PA. "Why didn't you come in sooner if it was that bad?" has been an earworm in my brain and I've been beating myself up...maybe I've not tried hard enough...maybe it's all in my head...   Like a lot of women I put myself last before all my other "gotta do" responsibilities.   Since even with the daily hurl, my weight pretty much stayed the same from July '12 until December '12 and other than annoyance of being sick, not being able to eat in public etc., I was otherwise healthy I dragged my heels on going to the doctor. Face it - after 2011's trip down breast cancer lane, I'd had enough doctors appointments. Going to my WLS cattle market with it's deli counter vibe - "Number 86", "Number 87"...was not something to look forward to.   So I had to laugh when I got home yesterday to find a message on my voice mail advising me that my WLS,"Wasn't going to be in on X date and we've rescheduled your appointment to X...". Three weeks from now. So I guess it's okay for the Doctor to have other commitments arise but not for thePatient.   In hindsight, yeah - it is "that bad". My weight is creeping up which only half surprises me. The list of what I can't eat gets longer and longer, but we all know the slider foods work especially when you're starving, on a short deadline...   Yesterday was what I like to call "classic"...   Even my thyroid medicine which I take first thing in the morning gives me the 'stop & drop' feeling. End up throwing up six times during the course of the day on food previously "safe". Often have a delay of 30 minutes or more following eating before getting sick which can be triggered by sitting down, or bending over. Often feels like it's not only food in the pouch, but food in my stomach coming back up. I so love having to not only make sure I'm still in my pj's to eat(bra and anything fitted on my waist and nothing's going down) but also having to wait to jump in the shower. Gee - if it's a day when I need to shave my legs, gotta make sure breakfast stays down as just bending over to shave could be lethal.   Ah yes, totally normal and likely all my fault - she said, sarcastically!
RavenClaw779

RavenClaw779

1
 

The Apple Don't Fall Far From the Tree?

*Warning - A totally non-WLS rant posted because it's my blog and I'll post what I want to:tt2:   My s-i-l hates to drive at night, so I'll be trucking down to the city to pick up my college age niece. Apparently she has a medical issue which she could've had taken care of at her university health center, but when her mother(my s-i-l) suggested this, my niece had a meltdown and demanded Momma make her an appt at home and fly her in. What a surprise! Momma does what baby wants. She may be 19, but emotionally more like 15...like her group of college friends who hang out together living a "high school but away from home" type of lifestyle. 20-some years ago when I was in college, we were a lot more mature and aware of key world issues. The effect of helicopter parents?! It's scary when my niece tells me she doesn't like kids but wants to teach 'cause she'll get lots of time off. Wow - just who I want educating the future!   Back to the "Apple" topic - my niece is now upset because her mother told the doctor about the problem when she made the appt. Apparently, my niece wanted her to just say that it's for a "check up" (& no - this is not a woman issue)! My s-i-l (rightly so) told her that the doctor needs to know the real reason so as not to waste time. S-i-l wonders what her baby is thinking?!!   RU kidding? Here's where it "falls from the tree"...my s-i-l is a DM2 who tries to deny it. It took 3 years of warnings of pre-diabetes and then 6 mos after diagnosis to get her on oral meds. She's still not testing and tries to "trick" her labs by fasting for several days prior or eating "healthy" the week before. Of course, the numbers are still bad because she's non-compliant and hasn't educated herself. She calls me post doctor visit to report that the doctor wants her on more "meds" because her "numbers are bad" and she feels he's probably getting paid by the pharmacutical companies to give her more "stuff". So I say - "Could be - what new meds does he want? what were your labs?". She says..wait for it.... "I dunno - I wasn't paying attention!". Excuse me? What is more personal than a visit to your doctor - how can you not pay attention when it's your health?? This then leads to a conversation we've had before of how her health plan works and me telling her again to print me a copy and I'll review it...which she forgets - as usual. I guess I'm not too surprised as this is some one who wishes she were back in high school, doesn't read the paper or watch the news, and threw a fit when her boss told her she was going to have to take some tech classes - started crying and shouting that she "didn't want to learn anything new!" I'm actually fond of my s-i-l as apart from the tendency to gossip she is a very kind and non-judgmental person(wish I could be more like that) - but I often feel like I'm dealing with a child.   Not surprising - her mother (my m-i-l) is the same way. No, she doesn't want to go back to high school - instead she's fiercely independent...sort of. She's moderately more aware of what's going on in the world, but so flightly she only grasps half the story. When she doesn't get her own way - or doesn't get buy-in from the "fam" she just goes off and does whatever she wants then let's the rest of us pick up the pieces, the tab...whatever. When it comes to medical issues - see above. She takes whatever scripts the doctor writes but doesn't know why..."I'm not going to take this Liptor anymore - I don't feel any different...". She's still seeing this ancient doc-in-box who treated her mother. She nixed her prior doc because the doctor did an Alzheimer's test on her and was concerned enough to contact my s-i-l. Par for course, my m-i-l wanted my s-i-l to keep it a secret - Right! Her driving skills have always been sub-par and now they're even worse. Sunday night was a classic - when after two glasses of wine she was red-eyed, staggering and slurring but refused to give up her keys or let someone else drive her home and my s-i-l tells me, "She's not drunk - I'd know!"(sorta like, "She doesn't have memory issues - I'd know!") I'm torn between making a confidential call to the DMV before she hurts someone or herself or just stepping back and letting her kids take responsibility. Sigh - good to vent and hope it gives my readers a laugh; I'm sure plenty of you are in the boat.
RavenClaw779

RavenClaw779

2
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