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What do you mean... "I am supposed to be selfish"

Ok.....so, here is is my rant for the day. I am sure most of you can relate. I can remember for most of my life I was always told...."Don't be selfish"--- "the kind thing is to put others before yourself". I am starting to think my parents maybe went a little overboard. Cause I have gave, gave , gave so much of myself and locked all of my feelings inside and I used food as a deadbolt. Now I have people telling me to be selfish....put my needs first for a change and stop using food as a way to keep all of my feelings inside. I realize that there is a fine line between how we should be. Sometimes though...I just wish things could be simple. (By the way....I believe that at a certain point in your life as an adult, you are in control of you life, no matter how dysfuntionable your enviroment was as a child there comes a point that the responsibility of your life becomes your own) I know how to eat healthy. I know how to exercise. I also can realize at what point I have had way too much pizza...but I continue to eat because 'I just LOVE pizza'. In my quest to be approved for LAP-BAND® surgery....I am not only looking to be "approved" by my insurance. I am looking forward to this new life that being "selfish" at times is appropriate....... My inner child is gonna love this. :confused:
ShellieBell

ShellieBell

2
 

Today my Journey begins

It just happened only moments ago....I decided to let go. I decided that I am worth fighting for and that I will not allow anyone to make me doubt my self worth again. So at this moment...my journey begins. So if you are curious(even a little bit) I will start from the begining. Well..as I am sure most of you can relate...I have been overweight almost all of my life. I have "dieted" so much that I feel like I could be a licensed nutritionist. Further more, I could probably teach a class on exercising from your desk. I know the importance of 8-8oz glasses of water a day and how portion control is way out of control in our society. BUT.....as I write this, my weight is at the highest I can remember. My weight is my biggest battle in life. At times I forget about it, only to be reminded when it's time to walk up a flight of stairs or when I am out with friends and they insist on sitting at a booth. Don't even get me started about when I have to board an airplane. Six or seven yrs ago I was on an emotionally charged misson to get insurance approval for a R&Y gastric bypass. It was a terrible experience for me. Of course I was never approved, and due to my lack of information and support I never appealed the decision. My support team consisted of my mother who never had the same struggles with her weight. I know her intentions were only good but I can remember her diets consisting of not eating for a couple of days so she could keep her trim figure. So, I always felt she never really could understand my desire for the surgery. Today as I am sitting here at my desk writing this I have givin myself permission to move forward with another attempt at being approved through my insurance. The difference between then and now is that I am educating myself with as much knowledge as possible. I will reach out to others who are also struggling with the same weight issues and learn from their experiences. It feels good to be at place were I know that people understand that my struggle with my obesity is more than a quick fix...it's more than not eating for a couple of days.
ShellieBell

ShellieBell

7
 

Tick tock...tick tock

I had my initial consulation with my surgeon and I have set up apptointments to get my chest xrays...dietician etc....and showing the insurance co that they have no choice but to say yes. So it looks positive at this point. I am going to use these next 5 months to continue educating myself on the ins and outs of this crazy, wonderful, scary, exciting life changing thing they call LAP-BAND®.
ShellieBell

ShellieBell

2
 

Now is the time

Monday I go to have my initial visit with my lap band surgeon....I just got my "reminder" phone call from the Doc office. I am so excited to be able to tell him that I have the support of my other Dr's. I can almost hear it now..."Yes, your insurance has approved your request and your surgery date is on". I finally feel like I can accept that this may really happen. I tried several years ago to be approved RNY and my insurance company wanted no part of it. So...for now I will chalk it up to that it wasn't the right time and that everything happens for a reason...and I am ok with that.
ShellieBell

ShellieBell

4
 

I let it go for good!!

Ok...so that last time I posted...I took ownership of my smoking habit and finally faced the fact that if I was going to pursue this lap band procedure any longer, I was going to have to let them go for good. Besides having my surgeon flat out refuse to perform the surgery on me if I smoked, deep down I just really wanted to not be a smoker. So one day I let it go. I refused to be a prisoner any longer to nicotine. Trust me though....nicotine fought a good fight. I went through a whole week of being irritated at EVERYTHING and EVERYONE:cursing:. I couldn't sleep very well and I ate like nobodies business:eek:. It was a scary week...but I made it through it. I wouldn’t change it for anything. I am so excited that I am no longer being held hostage by a cigarette....sure, I still have the normal cravings but I like to call them "Head cravings". I am really beginning to like the fact that I no longer run to have a smoke when times get tough and I am trying a different and healthier approached when face with anxiety.
ShellieBell

ShellieBell

4
 

Directions: One foot in front of the other....repeat

I went for my 2nd medically supervised diet appointment yesterday….and it was very educating. I was up a pound…which was probably due to the whole stopped smoking thing. I am pretty satisfied…I mean it could have been worse. I also found out that I am vitamin D deficient. I was told they have really only been doing research on this for the past few yrs but it looks like vitamin D deficiency is apparently an epidemic. I was also told that I have underactive thyroid. I don’t know a whole lot about this subject just yet…..but I plan on doing some major research. When I was handed an actual prescription for medication to treat this thyroid thing….I was really concerned. Not sure how everything is going to work out…..but I do know….IT WILL WORK OUT. I have an appointment to go to my bariatric office tomorrow for more of my pre-op stuff….chest x-rays and upper GI scan. I am feeling a little anxious but I am still positive that all things happen for a reason. Sooooo without sounding to cliché…my journey continues…one step at a time.
ShellieBell

ShellieBell

3
 

Baby Steps

Well..it's official. I signed up for my first seminar. I am really looking forward to hearing what the surgeon has to say. Of course this has caused my inner detective to come out. I have done more comparing and reading about lap bands in the last week that....maybe I can give the seminar myself..heehee :tongue_smilie:. Ok..OK...I still have lots to learn, but that's ok.....I am looking forward to it. I guess my biggest question is...What is actually the big difference between the LAP-BAND® brand and the realize brand? Does one cost more than the other? So...it looks like I better start writing these questions down so I don't forget them when I actually get to the seminar. I am also getting a head start on the 6 month medically supervised diet, my appointment is next month...yay me! :w00t:
ShellieBell

ShellieBell

2
 

As if being fat wasn't hard enough

Looking at my body it's clearly obvious...I'm obese....yeah, the morbidly kind and.....I'm a smoker....ugh... I said it(well, typed it). Never been a chain, pack of day smoker, don't care how anyone else feels, push my habit on everyone else cause I have rights kinda gal. To be honest....when I do smoke I seek solitude. I am one of those smokers that if you didn't see me doing it...you would of never guessed. I guess you can kinda of say...it's not one of my best qualities. The reason I bring this up on my LAP-BAND® blog is because... of course I have to stop. Not only because they won't let me have the surgery (which is enough reason on its own) but because if I am going to go through this whole process of a lifestyle change... I want to reap all of the blessings I can get from this surgery. The truth be told…. my smoking habit has been similar to my weight loss battle. Smoking has had a grip on me for about 10 yrs now with a few 6 months of quitting thrown in there every once in a while. I've spent my fair share of money on hypnosis and patches and pills and gum but this time I'm just doing it on my own. Last week was really bad and it caused my tolerance for any kind of BS to be minimal but, I am hoping for a better week this week. I am claiming freedom from this. I will not allow this or anything else stand in between my health and happiness any longer, especially something I am embarrassed about. I have had enough embarassment and shame to last a life time.
ShellieBell

ShellieBell

5
 

35 days of realization

35 days ago..... I had a sort of awakening. I had a very intense moment of realization...that if I didn't fight for me...who would? Today I was able to feel that incredible rush of emotion that consumed me during those first few minutes of deciding to change my life over a month ago....and it was great! I had the "talk" with my primary care physician about my desires for the LAP-BAND® procedure. I waited a month after deciding to pursue the LAP-BAND® because I wanted to be educated with as much knowledge my brain could hold. I wanted to know the risks; I wanted to know the benefits. I wanted to know the difference between the realize band and the LAP-BAND®. I wanted to know how other people felt after their surgery. Basically I wanted to be well armored with as much info as possible. It was as if I was preparing to fight and defend my feelings to the world why I deserve to have this procedure. And then it happened....as I was explaining to him my feelings(yeah....I had a whole speech prepared in my head of why I was a candidate for the band....and I wasn't afraid to use it!!! ) he just smiled at me....and said "lets do it"! he told me that he would support me 100% and that we would start the 1st month of a supervised diet today.....so that leaves me only 5 more months to go!! Yay me! I realized going into my doctor’s visit today that regardless if I did or didn’t have the support of my physician....I would be able to find support elsewhere. BUT... I really wanted him to embrace this idea for me like I embraced it for me. I needed that extra little bit of confidence from someone who knows my medical history...it just kind of validated my feelings. Trust me, there are not very many times I have left the doctors office with an extremely positive outlook about my weight....but today it was just the opposite. Today was just for me...and I have the feeling it’s just the first of many to come….and when I finally made it into the “safe haven” of my car I was able to give release the river of tears that have been levied back for way too long.
ShellieBell

ShellieBell

5
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