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I married late in life - 37 years old to the love of my life who is 17 yrs older. We had our only daughter a year later. I left the hospital happier than I had ever been. Then the weight would not come off. Prior to getting pregnant I was SOOO successful on PhenPhen! Went from 280 down to 223 in less than 1 year. I just never thought about food. It was great. I suffered very bad dreams, but loved the weight loss. I started soul searching after the med. was taken off the market. After years of so-so dieting I started really paying attention to my relationship with food and realized I depended on it too much for emotional support. As the scale crept up I realized I had to do something about the weight and it had to be drastic. I didn't want my daughter to go through weight issues like I have all my life. September 2001 I had my surgery at 341 lbs. I did sooo good the first 2 years. A few ups and downs, but lost 120 lbs. Then I crashed and burned. The pouch got distorted and I had to get it unfilled numberous times throughout the next three years. Fill, unfill, fill, unfill....and by myself. No support, no one to talk to. I went back up to 301 lbs and felt like such a failure. I cried at my last unfill appt. and agreed with dr. that I would continue psych appts and perhaps try Overeaters Anon. I kept the psych appts and went to 2 OA meetings and was scared to death of what I realized. I was addicted to food. But I didn't want to listen so did not go back. Then recently, I found this website and have found so much love and understanding amongst everyone here. I don't have to feel bad for the past years. I don't have to feel like I failed. I don't have to feel like I got this major surgery for nothing. I don't have to hide out so no one I know sees me and feel like they are laughing behind my back. Every day now, since I found this website, I log on. I read, read, read. And feel good about myself. I know for today, I doing OK. I am listening to my band and 80% of the time, I do fine. Sometimes, I do something stupid like eating boiled eggs in my salad KNOWING my band does NOT like boiled eggs and I suffer until it all comes up. But I sleep at night. I no longer throw up all night long. I no longer wake up in the morning realizing I CAN'T eat because I can't even swallow my own spit. I use to get so scared of what would I do without food????!! Now, I keep myself in check so I don't get to that point. I remember when I lost +100 lbs and I said, I would never put it back on. Well here I am at 299. But you know what? I love myself more today than before and I accept myself no matter what I do. And I know each day will get easier and easier. I even went for a walk in the mountains yesterday! Me, exerting energy!!! Thanks for listening.....and thanks for always being there!! My fellow-banders! TB

evcase

August 13, 2006

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