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Today I pray for...

Strength… I am in the beginning of this long journey. So easy is it to forget why I started this, and to fall off track. I get discouraged easily when I am not in fighting mode. I firmly believe that everything happens for a reason. I firmly believe that God controls what happens and we are his pawns. But I also believe that we have the ability of choice. We can chose the path laid out for us that looks difficult because it is uphill, or we can make our own path and it will be littered with thorns and rocks. On rare occasions the path is easier, but has consequences in the end! I’m tired so I am rambling. My point dear reader is that I am weak, I want so badly to walk into the Dr Office, and he say to me “your fat you need surgery to correct this…how is next weekend for you?” I am a jump in head first and get it over with or I am going to chicken out kinda of person. In this case I won’t chicken out but I will give up thinking once again I am doomed to be fat all my life. Patience… As I have explained in the first part, I would be much happier if this all happened in a few months time and fear that it will take Y-E-A-R-S to get accomplished. I used to have an abundance of patience; I was a Sunday school teacher and babysitter extraordinaire. That all faded in my early 20s with the ever present “hurry up and wait” generation we live in. I just started out this journey about a month ago, I mean I didn’t even call a Dr (my PCP) till last week to discuss it with him. And low and behold I have an assigned Dr and have a different Dr to deal with. I have the fear that this is not going to be an option that this new Dr wants for me. Well I see him in the 26th, id that soon enough…no, but I have more things than I can count to occupy my mind. Forgiveness... I am breaking a ton of promises to myself for this to happen. I looked at WLS as a way out, for so long I wouldn’t allow myself to consider it, like when my insurance did cover it, and when it was first brought up to me. I beat myself up saying “you failed yet another diet, why would having WLS help?” I also thought for the longest time that WLS wouldn’t help ME. I don’t over eat in fact my Drs have always said that I don’t eat enough. For 3-5 days a week I “starve” because of my schedule, or I forget to eat, or I’m just not hungry. Then the other 2-4 days I eat either normal meals or have the occasional munchies fest. (No real meal day just munching all day long.) this gets frustrating because I yo-yo “diet” weekly then. I go to the gym but I don’t lose! Just gain! More to come… I have to get kiddos off to school or daycare so I can sleep!
zimmersdreamer

zimmersdreamer

1
 

to get to the other side...

Well that’s why the chicken crossed the road! :Dancing_chief:but is the grass always greener? Hmm? Ok so as I attempted turbo kickboxing:Banane21: the other day I had yet another epiphany, what if I don’t weigh ENOUGH to get the surgery? I am 5' 9" and 270lbs. I border the 40 BMI range. I’m Fat and have no diagnosed co morbidities. I have a STRONG family history. My grandfather was in his early 40 had a heart attack and died. My uncle (on my mom’s side) died also in his early 40s with heart disease. (Heart attack) my father 2 years ago with at the ripe old age of 51 had...wait for it... heart attack. He had pulmonary edema and is fighting SSI right now. He also has insulin dependent diabetes; my mom is pre diabetic with metformin (Ok I so can’t spell!) Mom also has sleep apnea. Cancer runs in my family (man why did I ever procreate? Oh yeah I make pretty babies) SO I am there sweating my butt off and planning another class in 2 days, what happens if I lose too much weight prior to getting the appointment with the surgeon? I am getting my insurance cards in the mail, (just found out I am on Medicaid woo who I guess) I am in the phase where I record my eating, but not watching what I eat. I do end up watching it; I am not beating myself up about it. I’m only a week out so I guess that it’s ok. I am not talking about 15-20 lbs either I am talking about a simple 3lbs. three lbs takes me down to 39.3! Even if my Dr rounds to the nearest whole number, I am just under hence the non co morbidities rant. Waaah. Ok growing up now… So I have a few options, I can either forgo the surgery (and yoyo diet yet again) or talk to the Dr once I get a chance. I firmly believe if this is supposed to happen it will!
zimmersdreamer

zimmersdreamer

3
 

the me in me

I could bore you with the "I’ve been fat all my life..." story and sadly its true but I won’t.:thumbup: Instead I will start this "journey" of blogging with my epiphany. I am not fat because I am depressed; I am depressed because I am fat.   I am a fit woman in a fat suit!:thumbup: I thought about it long and hard. I have issues looking into mirrors, not because I don’t like what I see, and sometimes I don’t, but because I don’t recognize what I see. In my minds eye I am thinner. In all (ALL) my dreams I am thinner. I look at a space and see that I should be able fit, and in my mind I do but I physically don’t. I see myself in clothing that just doesn’t fit my body type. That’s what makes this so hard. I just don’t feel like I belong in my skin. I can relater to transgender people. I feel like there is a mistake, Im not supposed to have all this extra weight. I’m supposed to be thinner.   I feel like a failure. :frown:That’s how I beat myself up! I tell myself that I don’t deserve something that I have worked SOO hard to earn but I still feel that I am worthy. I work out, and 3-5 days a week I don’t eat much, similar to what size portions that I would have should I have a LAP-BAND®. But its that 2-3 days that kill me. I eat “normal” portions, or eat because I’m bored, Sad, angry, PMS-ing… ect. you know the drill. My DR 15 years ago explained it as I go through “starvation” mode and my body holds on to every cal it can. That means even if I diet, the week after I stop I will gain it all back on!   I am an odd ball I love to work out. I love the rush I feel after. I forget to go to the gym. I make excuses like I don’t have childcare, I’m not going to get any sleep yadda yadda yadda. (I work overnights so it is difficult on days when I don’t have childcare) I have always thought that I can do this! All I need to do is go to the gym. I would dream of an event, for example my graduation, and would say OK it’s a month away. I could easily loose 30lbs in a month. I just have to … then I would “fall off the wagon” one meal, then that would turn into one day ect. That would depress me to the point I would not only give up but I would hate the event. :cursing:Sometimes even cancel (things like a trip to the beach or vacation to Puerto Rico)   It was very recent that I have even thought about the LAP-BAND®. Mom has been pushing this on me forever, always saying that she wishes she qualified to have it done. I had always turned her down as well as the idea because after all the DR said my issue was not that I ate too much but that I often didn’t eat enough. It all happened the day that I talked to the Girl Scout leader. She had gastric bypass. This was not a surgery though for someone who loves to work out. I told her my “problem” and she said that was her problem too.:wink: Her Dr said that this will make you hungry when you forget to eat, and will restrict the meals you DO eat. So I looked into it.   I searched many message boards and read a few blogs to see if there was anything that would be a deal breaker. No alcohol, :Banane34:I don’t drink. No smoking,:biggrin: I don’t smoke. No carbonation, until a few months ago I didn’t drink soda. No caffeine, now this one may kill me,:thumbup: I am addicted to my espressos but I guess that if I lost the weight and had energy I wouldn’t need them, and the occasional decaf coffee for taste maybe. (though I can’t stand decafL) there isn’t much else that I could think of that would keep me from getting it done except that fact for me (and I stress for ME not you!) it feels like Im throwing in the towel. I feel like I cant do it any other way I guess I have to get banded.   Here is the catch, although there is a mandate in IN for insurances to cover bariatric surgeries, My insurance does not cover it. :thumbup: So there is road block number 1. I did find out that I am on Medicaid. So I guess that will cover it (I know the Medicaid insurance covers it but I always feel guilty for having it and even more for using it.) Now all I need to do id get a surgeon to look at me and call me a candidate!     I will update you all later so for now Keep Dreaming Some Dreams Come True! :thumbup:
zimmersdreamer

zimmersdreamer

3
 

so little lost but so much gained!

after the PCP told me that the ultra sound and MRI said I didnt have PCOS, but did have adenomyosis (the lining of the uterus is growing into the musculatr tissue) he sent me to a GYN. low and behold he said the ultra sound said "indiacative of PCOS" and "multiple cysts on overies" he diagnosed and treated me for PCOS! So, that said, he put me on metformin. I lost almost 20lbs with the meds in the month that I was on iot because I had NO appetite I ate less than 700 cal a day (still counting daily) and it caused major "movement" issues well he also put me on birth control which I started late, so I ended up gaining 5lbs back. then I started to go to the gym 5 days a week, guess what I started to get my hunger back, and also started to gain more weight... 5 more lbs. So the Dr on a follow up visit said that I lost 8lbs he was happy! I was pissed! I had lost 20! but gained 10 back when I started eating normal, and lifting weights. I have started to lose weight again, but its much slower! but heres what I have Gained! I went to a class, turbo kickboxing, last week I hadnt been in
zimmersdreamer

zimmersdreamer

0
 

oh to want the simple things in life. (adult content)

I want to shave my legs in the same shower, instead of taking 2 in a day because I get light headed. I want to get down to my kids level without getting up light headed. I want to carry my plate as well as my kids without sideways glances and whispers "is she going to eat all of THAT?" I want to walk into a store and buy something that doesn't make me look like my grandmother. I want to do jumping jacks without feeling like my belly is going to fall off. I want to stretch and feel it! I have too much of a belly roll. I want one sert of boobs, not two. I want to wipe my but all the way! (you know we don't admit the embarrassing things out loud!) I want to wear regular pads not the disposable underwear every month! I want to have my hand raised in class (or brush my hair) without feeling like it (my arm)will fall off. I want to be on top without the fear that I am going to squish my partner. :w00t: screw that I want to get into different positions! :Banane59::sad::fruitsex::Banane56: I want to slide with my kids without thinking I'm going to break the slide. I want to have a bathing suit that is not from the maternity section. :Banane30: I want to have a prego belly when I DO get pregnant. I want them to use a regular sized blood pressure cuff rather than calling bariatrics every time I go to the Dr. I want to take NORMAL doses of medication. I want to wear knee high boots! I want a costume for Halloween that is not a NUN or Devil...or cow.:Banane26: I want to wake up in the morning and say "today IS going to be a good day!" I want to take a bath, emerge in hot soapy water and NOT spill it all over the tub!:thumbup: I want sex in the shower! I want to be "normal" It feels like we, fat people, are handicapped, or in a minority of our own. there should be a show, instead of " the little people" there should be "the obese people" then maybe just maybe people would see what it's like day to day, what we have to give up, what we can't do.
zimmersdreamer

zimmersdreamer

3
 

newtons law of motion...

So I got the ball rolling. I talked to a nutritionist, who seems to think that the bad is a good idea, knows how to get me through the approval process and is willing to work with me. :tt1: Told me to increase my protein intake, get more sleep, and basically cut out carbs. Oh and I am supposed to be writing this all down! I forgot for about a week, don’t know if I should pencil whip it or fess up. I had a few days in there that she would not like to read anyway. I have a few weeks in there she is not going to like my sleep pattern either! Ok SO, my Dr was reluctant at best to send me to a bariatric surgeon. I still have not gotten the referral, because the Dr office hasn’t heard back from the surgeons office, :sneaky:or so I am told. I have my second nutritionist appointment tomorrow and would like to update her on where we stand on getting me in. After all she is not going to be pleased in my lack of paperwork, sigh. I feel like I am failing, I thought that my family would be supportive, and verbally they say they are, but when my mom makes me my favorite dish, or says she is too tired to cook we should just eat out, or makes me a dish of ice cream with cho sauce instead of sherbert. When she decides to lecture me on my going to the gym instead of sleeping; I would say there is no support there. I go out and buy skim milk, the family complains, but drinks all my milk leaving me with 2%, or whole. I buy fruits and lettuce for me and its eaten or just sitting out to go bad. That’s not supporting me. Stressing me out to the max isn’t either. Buying me a 2lb box of chocolates for Easter,:tt1: then this morning getting mad at me for taking it to work and leaving it for the associates, that was the tops there. Part of me wants to give in because I feel like whats the use.:thumbup: But part of me wants desperately to get healthy! I just need my family on board!:smile:
zimmersdreamer

zimmersdreamer

1
 

feeling the defeat...im depressed!

This past week has been a downward spiral to where all I feel is defeat. Logically I know I'm not, but it feels that way. Tue- we had our Dr appointments. My youngest is underweight, my oldest is over weight...that concerns him. and I am morbidly obese (BMI41) to which he is testing my thyroid, glucose and sending me to a dietitian. I tried to explain to him that I KNOW what my "problem" is and we just need to figure out how to fix it, I tried to talk surgery, I tried to talk...He didn't seem to want to listen. He came back in the room informing me that my BMI is 41, morbidly obese. (I knew that) and that I should be consuming 1500 cal a day to help loose the weight....:mad3: Doc! I get maybe 400 cal some days... and 1200 others! what do you suppose I do! carry food in my pocket with a timer that tells me I'm hungry! I forget to eat! I will be starving, and walk to go make food (I work in a bakery!) a salad, as a baker if I hear the ovens go off that is my priority...So on my way to make food the oven goes off, cookies come out, pastries go in bread goes here, bagels prepped here... you get my drift, by that point an hour passes and I have once again forgotten to eat! Wed. My youngest 3rd birthday. In lue of gifts (after all Christmas was a few weeks ago, she still hasn't played much with the toys anyway) we hosted a DORA party at her daycare. because of this I got NO sleep, played with 20 2-3yr olds and forgot again to eat! went to work that night and had to get packed for my vacation, after mom not so suddlely told me to go, she pointed out I was just a "expensive booty call that pays her own fare!" So I didn't want to go , I beat myself up because I have been a door mat for a man for 8 years before I left him just last Aug. I am head over heels in love with the other guy (the one I'm visiting) He is my high school sweet heart, and he just came back in the pic 3 1/2 years ago. sigh...looooooooooooong story one day I will bore you with it. So Fri I spent all day packing cleaning my cloths and errands as well as trying to sneak a nap in there..again I ate 2 meals but forgot to eat much... Fri, Sat and Sun is what killed me 3 days 3 meals each day all fast food... well eating out cause olive garden and Sonnys is not fast food. I got plenty of exercise to compensate:wub:but.... No weight lost. (I didn't expect there would be)   Sun (the piece de resistance) was a baby shower for a friend that I was told a week ago that I was to host the games. :bored: I was under the impression it was from 11-2 So I would leave and be home in the same day, I said my good byes to the guy (this time it was a final good bye not just "see ya next year" he just doesn't know it yet) hosted a baby shower that lasted till 530pm! and got an ear full about how my 5yr old (the oldest of my 2 daughters) didn't want to wear pants in 10 degree weather, she wanted to wear a summer dress. Apparently when I asked to have the clothes that I washed folded, I was ignored. Apparently no one found the cloths I had laid out on the dining room table...apparently it is ALL MY fault there is cloths scattered my bed room floor that I share with the 3&5 yr old. (when I left all cloths were picked up) Apparently I am not doing enough around the house and It is my fault that the house looks like it has been ransacked by bulls! I should have known that going on a "vacation" was a BAAD mistake! I think I am done ranting!:rant:
zimmersdreamer

zimmersdreamer

2
 

And the beat goes on...

So now I am in the few days where i can find every excuse in the book not to go to the gym.:w00t: For starters I had a Dr appt, Had to get kidgits off to daycare and school, and had to arrange for sleep:closedeyes:, So I ended up getting about 3 hours of sleep, and looked at my schedule of Zumba with eyes crossed. I Had to pick up 3 kidgets from school, daycare and bring them home, one had orchestra practice at 630, my class started at 6...dinner had to be made, ect. Another day another excuse. legitimate mind you all the things I did today were things I HAD to do. Or came up last min and couldn't be avoided (oh the pleasures I would have had telling my 16 yr old brother to stay at school...hehehe :devil_smile:my horns are showing) I bought contraband from the bread store, cookies and nutter butters yum! But I'm not in the refrain from stage. just being aware. It makes it a little easier when you have kidgets (with endless metabolism) ready to eat whatever I don't "want" two bites and I hear the whine, if you're a mom you know the whine, the "I want it" whine. So another epiphany today :sad:(yes I am SO enlightened, the cure for obesity here I come! just after the cure for greediness and cancer) My 5 year old is JUST like ME! I don't mean devilish good looks or personality galore. I mean eating hobbits. She has always said she wanted to be big like me, she didn't want me to be short, she wanted me to be "bigger" She didn't eat breakfast, ate a small sandwich for lunch and didn't "eat" till snack time all the way till dinner. she makes healthy choices, apples bananas gold fish... just seems like a lot of food consumed after her high activity point in the day. She has however just joined taekwondo 2 days a week, and ballet one day a week 1/2 a day for each class. sigh, I just don't want her to become "squishy" like me. :thumbup: I have a Dr appointment that I am going to talk to her Dr about her eating habits, she not "fat" but is getting chubby and is headed to be a "boredom" eater. She eats, and asks for food if she is bored. I dont particularly like that idea. off I go to save the bathroom from the invasion of the girls. :troll:Wash hair and become the sea monster from the upstairs bathroom.
zimmersdreamer

zimmersdreamer

1
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