The pounds go down on the scale...so it's been awhile since I've been on or blogged but just a quick update. I haven't had a fill since December... which was great at first then I got to the point where I was throwing up then ok then throwing up then ok... Not wanting to waste the co-pay and not get a fill I just decided to go it on my own.. Come late April/May I evidently hit my sweet spot because I've lost more weight in the last 3 months than I've lost the entire time I've had my band. I was starting to feel like I was a band failure hovering at the same weightloss since 6 months out of surgery... not really gaining, but not losing either.. or if I gained 10lbs losing it (hormonal) then just balancing out at the same range..
So now I am 1 yr 7 months out since surgery, it's been 8 months since my last fill and about 2.5 to 3 months since I hit my "sweet spot" I no longer HAVE to shop in fat girl stores, I am now able to shop in the skinny girl stores even if it's they're biggest size, it fits... So now my band is just truly giving me portion control...the way it's intended and now I'm losing losing losing.. I've also stopped weighing myself since the 1st...So I have absolutely no idea what I weigh at this point but everyone keeps telling me how I look like I've lost so much weight and I actually see the changes on an almost daily basis.
I guess I've just stopped worrying about it and just doing my best to live right and eat clean... always room for improvement and it's a process but it's getting better everyday! Hope you're all doing well.
Totally realizing that weight loss is more of a mental battle than it is a physical. Going through my closet getting rid of clothes that are too big for me, and instead of having tears of joy, I have tears of something else. I know they're just clothes, and can be easily replaced...I can rationalize but it doesn't change how I'm feeling. *sigh*
I'm a bit of a clothes horse and when I buy something, I buy it because I absolutely LOVE it, so watching it go to someone else, or parting with it is hard, but really it's not about them or the clothes. It's more about I feel like layers of me are be peeled away and I'm not sure what we'll find or what will be exposed. It's so weird, I never thought I'd feel this way. I thought I'd be doing the HAPPY DANCE, and there's times I do, but tonight, I don't know.. it's just affecting me different. I think because as many times as I've cleaned out my closet and given away clothes, there's certain items I've hung on to, and kept "just in case" maybe that's it... maybe it's because somewhere deep down I'm feeling like, I can't go back, like before, I've yo-yo'd my whole life. Making jokes out of true stories about how I went on a cruise at a size 18, but packed my "Fat clothes" and came off a 20/22. I think maybe it's because releasing those items on some level means I'm releasing the permission I once gave myself to be fat, that it was OK, that I could go up and down and would figure it out and be fine as long as I stayed under 300lbs or a size 26 or smaller.
Going into stores I'm so used to shopping in and realizing I'm toward the end of my days there... maybe I just feel exposed and afraid of the unknown, a size 18 is the smallest I've ever been in adult life. Well since I was about 14 actually.... I don't know anything else beyond this. I see my body changing every day, even if the scale doesn't change, I lose inches, go down in size etc..
A custom t-shirt I had made not too long ago is now a little big, I just realized I may actually HAVE to get another shirt made soon, just these little things, usually they make me happy. But tonight, for some reason they made me sad, like I literally had tears... I was laughing at myself because I couldn't figure out WHY I was feeling this way, but I no matter how hard I tried... I still felt the way I felt.
This is a long journey and it's so much more than just a physical one, but at the same time.. to be honest, I haven't really worked out since I've had my surgery.... in this exposed feeling tonight, I think it's evident why... I've been afraid of the unknown, of the life that awaits me below a size 18 of the life where I'm not longer really seen as "fat" or overweight by most people. Where I'm no longer the biggest person in the room. The last time I was here... I creeped my way back up to a 26 in a year and half... their were some extenuating circumstance but still....it happened.. thing is, the whole reason I got this done was so that it would NEVER happen again.
So ready or not, here I go...tomorrow (or today) is a new day, I'll take each day, one by one, do something for myself everyday, move everyday, do something EVERYDAY and see what changes come out of it. Who would have known at a year and 3 months out I would be feeling this flood of emotions?!?! Like I always say....this is a journey... I've obviously got mine cut out for me, but I'm more than up to it!
My journey...
My weight loss...
My weight gain...
My progress....
My thoughts...
My feelings...
My prayers...
My beliefs...
My faith...
Noticing a trend here? My and by my I mean Me. This is the best thing I've ever done for myself. My journey is not yours, nor is yours mine. I wouldn't want it any other way. I'm here to encourage and uplift by my blogs, thoughts and comments. Spread love and encourage nothing else.
I see/hear some comments and receive some that just leaving me with a blank look on my face and going *blink...blink*, your issues are not mine, feel free to share and comment but be careful to not try to PUSH/DUMP/UNLOAD your issues or feelings on me or anyone else, I wonder when some of you will stop trying to find yourself in others and find yourself within. That's when this REALLY works, when anything YOU really wants to do works. Whether it's weightloss, business, or something else. You have to find it within YOURSELF to do it, just as I have to find it within MYSELF to do it. We should all want those around us to be our very best, and we should encourage them and love on them until they reach it. Just my two cents.
These are the moments where I realize how fat I once was, am and no matter how much weight I lose, will be.. It's because it's not on the outside it's on the inside. It's a mental thing.
I sit here writing this... 80lbs....wait make that 83lbs from goal. As someone who can lose 10+lbs in a week.. I really have no excuse to not hit my goal by my birthday in Oct. Even if losing at a slower rate.
This week, I hit the lowest number I'd been since I've been on this journey and it felt so good.....I then proceeded to make these "victory meals", cause that's what you do when you have something to celebrate right?!?!? #FatGIrlMoment - There was Ribeye Steak, Pork Sirloin Steak, "Light" Jello Salads ok....not so bad, but then we got to the mashed potatoes.. It's a celebration let's load them up... Garlic mashed potatoes, with triple cheddar cheese, with a touch of cream cheese and butter oh and bacon, and finally green onion for color.... These potatoes were and have been a meal in themselves for me in the past. They're so good they come straight out of my "Get Your Man" recipes/book I'm working on. But that's besides the point, the point to this is.. through the celebratory eating over the last 3 days I have gained 3lbs...
Last night having seen the scale move up 2lbs I decided "It's ok I'm gonna work out hard and lose it again" and I REALLY REALLY REALLY want donuts. So off to walmart I go, in the middle of the night for donuts, they didn't have the kind I wanted.. so I settled for my 2nd favorite again justifying it in my head, it's ok... I haven't had them in Sooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo long, I think I may have actually caught myself talking to them about how I'd missed them at one point. #FatGirlMoment
But here's the kicker.. today when I got on the scale, I actually got on the scale with a donut in my hand and was eating it as I looked down at the scale, half expecting it to move down. No shock and awe here....it was up, I'd offically gained 3lbs in just over 3 days....
Things like this is exactly why it's SO important for us to get the mental aspect about losing weight. Why it's SO important to understand our relationship with food and how it effects us, not only our bodies but our emotions as well.
I look forward to my #FatGirlMoments both good and bad as they're always a learning experience for me. And this time I learned a big one.... Everything we pick up is a choice, everything we eat can either move us closer to our goal or further from our goal and that's how we have to look at it. One day at a time, one meal at a time, one bite at a time.
It's not easy... but I'm in faith I can and WILL do this!.
Maybe... with YOUR support!
I have a friend and client who is a lapband patient. She's lost a ton of weight and looks fabulous. She's currently being considered for the next installment of the Real Housewives franchise: Real Housewives of Las Vegas.
She's open about everything in her life and wants to put a positive image of the lapband out to the public as part of her time on the show... And or this we need YOUR support!
Check out her Fanpage on Facebook http://www.facebook.com/MarissaZdazinsky
Please please please like her page and show your support! The production company is making their final decisions this week and we want to let them and Bravo know.. That WE WANT MARISSA!!!
Just shy of 14 months out, finally in my sweet spot and losing PRAISE THE LORD!!! I'm at the lowest weight I've been since having surgery and shrinking...lt's been 2 months since my last fill - lol had to remember I'm not catholic , this was starting to feel like confession lol.. anyways.. as I lose and my body is shrinking... my skin is so ITCHY, mostly at my incision sites. I use cocoa butter and coconut oil on a daily basis and stay hydrated so it's not dry skin.. it's all weight loss related.. like the skin that's used to being covered is now being exposed to air or something.. but the incision sites, the incision sites are something else completely. Maybe it's because 1 of them has keloided - oh the joy of being mixed lol.. but they are just ugh.. I can't even explain it.. is anyone else experiencing this? There's no rash/infection etc.. it's just ITCHY!
I've had the strangest cravings for potato chips and soda lately. This was never anything I craved pre-surgery and yet here I am just shy of 14 months post op and I am CRAVING them.. I of course, know this isn't something I should be eating.. but recently on a trip to Kona Grill they had taro chips. I'd tried these once before but didn't really remember them but now I'm HOOKED. It's just like a potato chip you can season it and do all kinds of flavors with it but it's great just plain with sea salt... Then last night thinking I was grabbing Taro chips I grabbed Terra chips - Exotic Vegetable Chips... this is a packaged blend of Taro, Yuca, Sweet Potato, Ruby Root, Batata and Parsnip chips...SOOOOOOOOOOOOOO good and works on that whole "sweet/salty" thing.
But eating this makes me want soda.. diet soda but still soda, which I rarely drank prior to surgery and the few times I've tried it post surgery has been hard... but I've figured out if I pour it over ice and let it sit, it's drinkable and don't hurt to drink...
And then... then there's the cake... some of you make have seen my blog about the recipe or the RED CARPET READY 150 calorie cake.. which is SO good, but I wanted real cake, with frosting so I decided to make one myself.. I made a yellow cake from scratch using mayo and applesauce, sounds gross but it was DELICIOUS and I made a cream cheese frosting to put over it... I'd eaten nothing but cake and beef jerky for 3 days and still lost 3lbs... how is this possible?!?!?
I mean not that I was wanting to gain weight, obviously not, but with results like that.. it makes it hard to not want to go on a cake diet lol...
At any rate, my food choices obviously need to improve, but I think I'm making up for being on that fast or 30 days lol... but I'm still losing so I'm happy!.
So I came across this AWESOME recipe...and as fat kids, former fat kids and on our way to being former fat kids... you know there's one thing we all have in common... WE LOVE CAKE! lol
So I came across this awesome recipe for "Red Carpet Ready Cake" they're individual cakes that are SUPER band friendly and easy and the best part it's a 100 calorie snack ok 150 if you go crazy with the toppings.. but don't! If you're following weight watchers it's 3 points (I'm not but the creator of the recipe is soooo figured I'd add it in for those of you that are.)
Ok so here's what you'll need:
1 Box of Angel Food Cake Mix (I used Duncan Hines)
1 Box of Flavored Cake Mix (I used Pillsbury Strawberry because I know it's SUPER moist and it goes well)
Water
Optional: (but in my opinion SO necessary lol)
1 container of Cool Whip Free - yes FREE not lite, FREE.
Fruit to garnish.
Go home open both cake mixes and mix them together in a ziplock bag or container that you will hold the rest of the mixture in. Once it's mixed you're ready to go.
Now the cake part:
In a microwave safe container mix the following: (I used a big coffee/soup mug)
3 tablespoons of cake mix
2 tablespoons of water
1 minute in the microwave
Top with Cool Whip Free and Fruit (I use blueberries or sliced strawberries but just a couple)
Enjoy!
Save the rest of the mix for the next time you want a sweet treat that's both band and weight loss friendly, while being quick and delicious!
Like the title says.. You'll thank me later! lol
Trying to document my progress, living alone it's hard to get full body pics, so mirrors will have to do lol... Anyways, this is just a documentation for me and those who are curious
I have often told those dieting or making an effort to lose weight to be sure they DON'T weigh themselves daily. This habit becomes obsessive and can be disappointing. I really need to take my own advise.
I woke up this morning anxious to see the scale move down another pound again... I got on the scale.. I was .8 from it moving... frustrated I remembered what the skinny girls I used to work with would go on and on about.. "Oh I never weigh myself until after I have a BM, it makes such a HUGE difference." Hmmm works for them, may work for me. I go about my day..... and the time comes.. after I run and get on the scale now .6 away from the scale moving down... "Hmmm poop sure doesn't weigh very much does it?!?!?" I think to myself.
A few minutes later I'm having an over share moment and I'm talking to a friend of mine who has the same weight loss struggles I do, we laugh about how different it must be when skinny girls poop cause she had tried the same thing and had the same result I had. We've decided all of their fat is stored in their intestines and that's why they always look thin, but evidently have REALLY heavy poo.
My day continues and another BM comes...ok now THIS...THIS has got to make the difference.. I run and jump on the scale .1 from the scale moving... Are you kdding me?!?!!??! Ok I give up.. I give up.... I'll stop for the day. I end up taking a nap and waking up to have a dinner of black bean burgers and hummus, water and a small glass of organic soy milk.
I decide to weigh myself again... I gained .7 that can't be right... I get a call and forget about it... a couple of hours later.. I'm on the scale again... WHAT?!??!?! HOW COULD I HAVE GAINED 3LBS?!?!?!??!?!?!
So the moral of the story is, dont' weigh yourself everyday and if you do make sure it's at the same time everyday but don't stress if it goes up or doesn't move because our weight fluxuates by a few pounds through out the day and there's absolutely NOTHING we can do about it.. also we tend to weigh more at night, as we're water and just as the ocean tide is effected by the moon, so are we. I know all of this, I've done the research for YEARS and yet I think I was becoming addicted to the high of seeing the scale go down every day.....today was a reality check and reminder to TAKE MY OWN ADVICE!
I am so excited to be losing a pound a day! I wake up every morning anxious to step on the scale and see the numbers go down. I am 7lbs away from my lowest weight since being banded, so despite last year's set back I am NOW on track and that's all that matters. 10lbs down for the year and I started this fast on the 3rd, so that's actually a little more than a pound a day, but either way it's great!
No band issues since starting my new eating plan for the spiritual fast and I am excited to adapt this style of eating for the long run. I love to cook and I'm being challenged to come up with new and delicious veggie/vegan recipes. My Zucchini, Mushroom, Hummus pita pizzas are AMAZING and the stir frys and bakes and so on and so on.. I'm so excited for what this year is going to bring and as soon as I can figure out how to rename my blog I will to "How I lost 100lbs+" will be the documenting journey!.
Now to just work in a more routine work out schedule instead of trying to fit it in here and there when I can, it's becoming a priority, it has to!
So year out... couple weeks over.. this time last year I was on liquids only so the spiritual fast I do every January was very easy...protein shakes and more protein smoothies.. I had been doing it for weeks prior to my surgery and just kept on it while I healed. So here we are this year... January and this year's spiritual fast is here.. no meat, no bread, no sweets. Just all natural fruits, veggies, etc... essentially vegan for a month.. NO animal products. This means alot of gluten free, wheat free and organic eating.. Oh look that was in the aftercare diet..
So now here I am eating veggies and "whole" foods, all organic and gluten free and in the 3 days (started on the 3rd) I've been doing it, I haven't had one single issue with my band, getting stuck or getting that overly full feeling sneaking up on me. Wouldn't you know that in 3 days I've lost 10lbs?!?!?!? PRAISE THE LORD.. last year I lost 42lbs on the fast but I did it for 6 or 7 weeks if you include the pre-op diet.
If I keep up at this rate for the month... Hmmmmm I'll be ALOT closer to goal...
In my prayer time, I heard to stop eating wheat, it's the gluten that keeps me fat because of my blood type. Then I went online and researched and sure enough... there it was clear as day, O blood types shouldn't eat wheat products because the gluten reacts with our bodies and we pack on pounds...
As someone who has lived most of their years on the planet eating sandwiches, hamburgers and pasta.... it ALL makes sense... either way the point to this post is.. I totally get it now and will be making these changes, and adhering to the true aftercare diet...this time next year, I'll be on a billboard... Watch!
So I had my 1 yr Bandiversary on 12/18.... I've been so busy I haven't had a lot of time to be around and check on on everyone.
But that being said, this year has been a bumpy one as far as my success with the band... band is fine, in place no problems. From Dec - April I did extremely well. May, eh... June eh.. next thing I know it's Nov and I'm almost at my surgery day weight. I was SHOCKED...
I was eating right, and ok so I wasn't exercising but then I figured it out... the coffee and sweet tea I drank every day were adding an extra 847-1200 calories to my diet per day. I didn't start drinking them until May when it got hot... and I spent the summer working in various locations so I made sure I got a coffee to start my day and 2 sweet teas to go along.. on those days we were hitting the 1200+ calorie mark on just the beverages alone. Of course it took me til after thanksgiving to figure this out, as I watched the scale creep up another 4lbs in 3 days, again I couldn't figure it out, I was SO tight I didn't really eat much at thanksgiving but ah yes, I was making my lil' runs to the closest QT (QuikTrip) for sweet tea and a caramel mach.
So here it is December and I feel like I'm almost back where I started... but now that I know and have STOPPED drinking them, the weight is rapidly shedding like it did before. This time next year I'm going to be where I want to be. So other than a lil' disappointed, I'm not worse for wear... but I definitely learned alot in this first year... I'm still down and still getting "OMGOODNESS You lost so much weight" compliments... so it's still working... now to just make up for lost time.
I hope all my fellow 1 yrers are doing well and had a very successful year! I also am in faith that you all had a fabulous Christmas, and in the event that I don't speak to you before then.. All the best in blessings for a prosperous new year!
So something else I was doing made me start to think about all of my progress.. I think I need to print this out and put it on the fridge or something.. It's not goo quality, I don't know how to photoshop or anything like that.. but umm yeah.. WOW
*Please see attachment*
Hey bandland!
Weird to realize I haven't been here since August 5th.. Life has kept me pretty busy!
I am almost to the 10 month mark, (the 18th will be it) I've been told I'm doing well by my dr's so I'm happy about that. Before the end of the year I have to have an upper GI to make sure everything looks good with my esophagus...yeah that sounds fun.. lol..
In other news, I attended my friend's birthday party last night and saw lots of friends I hadn't seen since my surgery. They all went on and on about how great I looked so THAT... THAT right there makes it all worth it! LOL :cursing: and totally gave me the motivation I needed to keep going and reignite my fire!
On my last fill I had them go aggressive and so now I'm having some issues but for the most part all is well.. I'm doing 2-a-days at the gym and loving it, pilates, yoga, zumba, cardio, weights, kickboxing, swimming, you name it.. I'm doing it and it feels great!
I'm actually feeling the effects of being out of town for the past week without access to a gym.. I can't wait to get back in there tomorrow :thumbup:
Other than that, I think that's it for now.. this is my busy time of year so I don't spend alot of extra time online, but I would love to catch up with all of you, hope you're all doing well!
Love & Faith,
Y
A big HEY GIRL HEYYYY! Out to all of you in bandland :scared2: I know it's been a while since I was here.
I have some how managed to gain 4lbs in the last 2 months. Well I guess I shouldn't say some how, I know exactly how. STRESS causing me A.) to not eat enough and B.) stress eat when I do eat.
And you know what? It's just not worth it, so EFF IT. I've decided me and my health is worth way more than someone else's project so I'll give it another week to see if they get it together, if not.. See ya! And I'll be busy working out and working this weight off.
Totally lost my train of thought... 8 hours later... eh I'll come back to it
So I know it's a total overshare but when you eat something that gets stuck, I mean horribly stuck, I don't know about the rest of you but something I used to HATE absolutely HATE to do is suddenly a relief.
Last night at a dinner party of sorts, I had an epic fail of someone's chicken kabob and a cup of the tropical savory & sweet rice pudding (fully expanded in this form prior to eating) that I brought, the pudding turned out delicious and easy to go down..(yay me!) not to mention everyone LOVED it, I should so be on top chef! lol - but while I was able to avoid most of the other dishes because they were sides, I had to eat the only protein and the host's dish of Chicken Kabobs.. The kabob was dry, horribly, horribly dry. Being polite I tried to eat what I could... ugh.. 1 bite too many and the slime comes, the pain, all of that...I finally excuse myself and go home to shower...Not sure why, but I think because sliming is SO gross to me, this where I like to do it at lol. (WOW that may have been a complete overshare lol) but finally about 15 mins into the ordeal it FINALLY comes up...
Now I know why people say they can't eat things, or can't handle meats, etc... I've come to realize I need to just stick to eating things I cooked, my meats, especially chicken are never dry. How does one dry out chicken? Evidently this is a common phenomenon.. WHO KNEW?!??!?
But I now have full understanding of what people go through.. In 7 months of being banded I've only had 1 bad sliming/throw up experience, oddly enough with honeydew melon.. but after that dry chicken last night ugh! I get it.. I totally get it..
Think today will be a all smoothie day and I'll eat later tonight..
SO.... who knew LBT showed up on places like google, as far as what we post, etc...
So just a warning for those of you who want to keep your surgery or blogs private... if someone were to google your username or email, it comes up.
On the upside you can change your username if necessary by going to the USER CP section and at the very bottom it gives you an option to change your name.
So good deal!
Anyways happy blogging...
Anyone else get SUPER tight restriction when they're stressed or upset?
In the 7 months I've had my band I've been blessed to have it pretty easy, the past few days I've been having some personal issues that are a cause of stress and anger. For the past 3 days it has been difficult for me to eat anything even though I'm hungry and try to eat it, within 3 bites I'm full or in pain from trying to eat/restriction.
Does anyone else experience this? And keep in mind, I missed my scheduled fill on the 15th.. so it's not that..
So since I'm not eating as much... I've figured I better put my mouth to use in other ways.
I've started singing again... (Uh huh what were you thinking?!???! lol)
Something I've ALWAYS loved to do and have done forever.. I stopped singing right around 21 and now 12 yrs later, a lot of weight gain and more importantly loss later here I am.
There's truth to the saying "If you don't use it, you lose it" though.. but here I am just singing away trying to get some of it back. It's been interesting.. I joined an online karaoke site and it's the most hysterical thing, you can be TERRIBLE and people will give you 5 stars, right now I have a couple of songs in the site's "Top recordings" trust me when I tell you they're not good but hey I'll take the ego boost.
Anyways just one of my new hobbies I've picked up now that I'm feeling great about myself.. what interesting thing have you done or gotten back into since surgery?
So I missed my fill yesterday, I've been laid up in bed with a knee injury so I wasn't able to go.
I still have restriction which is GREAT but painful as a reminder for the carb craving I've been on.
Um yeah.. ask me what I ate yesterday? Biscuits. Yep just biscuits.. hot fresh out the oven with honey and butter.. that's what I ate for the whole day...
Today my face is FAT.. so there will be no more biscuits.
But I don't know where this out of control carb/bread craving is coming from. I don't even have PMS as an excuse. But all I want is carbs. The other night I made baked potatoes and dirty rice for dinner.. WHO DOES THAT?!!??!
But I've been fighting off this craving.. it's out of control.. it's so bad even a piece of paper looks good to me.. (oddly enough when I was a kid I used to eat paper) but yeah..
I know they say that cravings mean you're deficient in something.. I've been eating balanced meals, I don't know what I would be deficient in.. guess it's time to go google.
I rescheduled my appointment for the 4th, that gives me time to undo any damage I did on my carb binge.. but um yeah.. HELP.. send donuts lol j/k ok well maybe just one..
If you follow my blog you know that I had an affair with Ronald under the glow of his golden arches for years. Even though I knew he wasn't good for me and I shouldn't be there, he was my old comfortable lover that knew how to do everything I liked just right.
I'll admit I've visited my old flame a couple of times since my banding mostly due to lack of time/necessity during a month long moving process with a BUSY schedule.. I know I could have made better choices but I didn't.
I came across this and now I know... WOW
Take the next 5 mins and see this below and you'll figure out how much damage we've done with every visit... never again.. NEVER AGAIN..
Not because I'm embarrassed or ashamed, never have been. But because my bathing suits are TOO BIG and I don't want to go shop for another one that will be too big in a couple of weeks.. what's a girl to do.. lol
Oh to have such problems LOL... YAY ME!:smile2:
Ok so I'm by no means thin or skinny but my surgery has definitely helped, if not made me change my outlook on food and over eating.
I now know and understand how the rest of the world looks at us and why some almost feel a disgust for us. I never understood it until now... and now that it's finally clicked I never want to be there again.
Before I continue let me first say I don't believe in discrimination against anyone for any reason. I also do not believe in judging a book by it's cover and I realize this may be hard for some of you to read or accept but it's my thoughts and my blog and if you're bothered by what I say, feel free to kindly hit the x, or take part in a respectful and intelligent debate. I'm up for either.
All of that being said...let me continue.
The problem with fat people is...
1.) We're killing ourselves
2.) We (meaning most) do nothing about it
3.) We've developed such shameful eating habits that we've also developed denial right along with it.
4.) We encourage others to eat with us, as if when we eat with other people it doesn't count.
5.) We seek out others like us, so we have eating buddies.
I can go on and on about all of this.. but it has really just got to stop.
So, my ever so rude awakening came when I opened my home to a young lady from church. I invited her to stay with the hopes of helping her grow spiritually and financially and remove her from the living situation she was in.
Everything was ok at first, until I started noticing her eating habits. Just greedy and fat and not in a cute lil' have a fat day and pig out kinda way. In a I eat like this EVERY day at EVERY meal kinda way.
Understand this is not a rant about any one person, I just use my examples as a reference point.
It's hard for me as a foodie to live with someone who eats so extreme, especially when I'm still recovering and being delivered from that area myself.
For years I had myself fooled that "I didn't really over eat." because I went all day without eating and then thought nothing of going through the drive thru at 10pm for 2 double cheeseburgers, fries and sweet tea. Rationalizing it in my head that I hadn't eaten all day. When the truth of the matter is, that was too much freakin' food at one time, for anyone at any given time. I was eating like a linebacker and wondering why and how I ended up with the physique of one.
I really thought there was nothing wrong with my behavior, or at least I thought, I thought that.. looking back on it I realize now that I would ALWAYS mute my phone while ordering so the person on the other end didn't hear. Or eat it in the car and throw it away before I went in the house, even though I lived by myself... All acts of a shamed and guilty person.
So now I have a young lady in my home who thinks nothing of downing 3 fried hotlinks at a time. These are not small hotdogs, I mean the hillshire farm kind that can be split in two and used as a hotdog...that type. Someone who I made 2 boxes of mac & cheese for easy leftovers, I had 1/2 of cup and went back to put it away only to find an empty pan.
Someone who as I'm making cookies for church (simple breakaway readymade ones) can't control themselves and takes a block of unmade cookies and thinks it's funny.
Someone who has lunch, then comes home and ransacks whatever is in the fridge not an hour later, eating a dinner I prepared for someone else.
And to be honest....it's disgusting. I had to stop and have a moment and repent for thinking so poorly of someone but then I realized being obese really truly is a disease. The trouble with fat people is, we don't see it often times until it's too late. We're literally eating ourselves to death and it's disgusting to watch.
I wonder how many times did someone think the same of me? People would always make comments to me about how they don't consider me "fat" that being "fat" was gross and that I wasn't, I was just overweight. Skinny/thin people would make these comments to me and I never understood why, or what made me different. Was it the way I carried myself? How I dressed? How I was shaped? No what it is, is that I NEVER ALLOWED them to watch me pile food into my mouth like some out of control cross between a hungry hippo and a garbage disposal.
Even if I was eating out with people I would eat normally. Sometimes over indulging in bread, but always having a takehome bag/box. UNLESS, I was having a "fat day" with one of my "fat friends" who had lured me out to eat something fattening and just indulge in it. This is where we sabotage ourselves and each other.
While it's fine to have a cheat day or meal, we shouldn't encourage it with each other. I have a good friend who lives in another state and we would both get Oreo shakes and bacon cheddar wedges from Jack in the box and eat them while on the phone together when we were having "bad" or "fat" days... WHO DOES THAT?!?!??! Fat people...that's who!
I notice too how my friends plan their vacations around eating, I've had 3 people say to me "Oh when I get there, we're gonna eat this this this this ____ this this this blah blah blah..." I just kinda laugh it off when the reality is ummm NO WE'RE NOT... you might, but I'm not.
Then the funny part is when you don't indulge your fat friends will then start to try to gode you into eating with them, by saying things like "Oh you think you're too good now cause you lost some weight?" or something to that effect, even though it's in a joking manner.. they still mean it.
Or friends who look at you funny because you've lost weight... and say things that they mean as a compliment but really just come out sounding bitter.
We do it to ourselves...all of this to ourselves and the problem with Fat people is we're sick and we don't even realize it. Looking back on it I know and realize I was addicted to food. The tastes, the flavors, the textures.. I would almost get a high off of it. I think that's why it's so hard for me to watch others now who are still sick.
It's like when someone stops smoking, they can't stand to be around other smokers.. it's the same feeling..
Ok I'm rambling.. feel free to respond or not I just needed to get this out.. these thoughts were blocking my other thoughts I needed to get to for another writing I'm doing.. but man.. whew.. I feel better :smile2:
It's the strangest thing to watch and feel my body lose weight and change. I mean just the weirdest sensation. I have to wonder why I didn't feel this when I was gaining weight. As uncomfortable and as many weird sensations as I've felt losing it, you would think there would have been some tell-tale signs when I was gaining; but no. Or maybe I just chose to ignore them.
So the strangest sensation to me is feeling my ummm private areas shrink. I know most overweight people have what they call a "fat pad" covering their pubic bone area.. but as my stomach shrinks and that area shrinks it's just the strangest feeling. I woke up this morning like something was "off" so I go and look in the mirror and I was right something was indeed off.. FAT and unwanted pounds. But now.. now one side of my stomach is an inch tighter than the other side.
Ok so maybe all of this is an overshare but I KNOW I cannot be the only one experiencing this. Like I look in the mirror and while I never had a HUGE belly it did hang more than I would of liked stopping just before my pubic area..but now the right side is up and so is the left, just not as much as the right.. a whole inch difference to be exact.
Thank the Lord for being celibate right now because ummmmmm my naked body changes on a daily basis! There's no hanging/sagging skin - THANK YOU JESUS! but the fat I do have is shifting/changing where it's deposited at as I lose it. For instance.. my bra-line incision is now in the middle of my stomach and to the left, not under my bra and centered like it was.
I'm at a point where I'm SO anxious to see what's underneath all of this, I now understand why people get surgeries like liposuctions and tummy tucks... Watching my stomach shrink and get definition is AMAZING to me... especially when I really haven't been working out. I know I know.. I could be alot further on in my process but I was so consumed with other things I wasn't making time to workout like I should...and the muscle weight gain I experienced was a turn off but now I'm back at it. Doing what's necessary to burn the rest of this weight off and sculpt the beautiful body I know is underneath. I've always had a nice shape, just a big shape..an hourglass but the big ben of hourglasses....if that makes sense lol.
So I'm SUPER anxious and motivated to get to the final result. In the meantime these sensations are just SO weird to me.. and when you think about it, it shows you just how amazing the human body really is.
The sensation I'm experience is my skin being able to breathe, being exposed to air after being covered by layers of fat or rolls previously. First it itches and can be painful as the skin is healing but then it just heals up into smooth, soft, supple skin. It's the most amazing thing.
The down side is seeing stretchmarks where I didn't know I had them.. like the backs of calves. I've always had nice legs, big, powerful, muscular, as the little bit of fat that was on them goes, I can see the traces of stretchmarks, everyone says I'm crazy and they don't see anything, but I see it, has to be in the right light but it's there.. I see it! Then again I've had stretchmarks since I was 8 yrs old... They're all old and faded and blended in with my skin. Only if I tan too much do they really show or turn red.
Ok I'm rambling but seriously this journey is just AMAZING to me... absolutely, positively AMAZING.
