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The Art of Self Sabotage

So...some of you out there not losing the weight as fast as you hoped after the surgery and several fills?   Feeling like a failure?   Given up and started eating under your old habits? Gobbling up your favorite foods and binge eating? Ice cream in the fridge or Oreos in the pantry? Soda even in the house? Maybe you stopped getting fills and enjoy being able to eat what you want with light restriction   I thought you might be out there...silently struggling...thinking all is well on your part, but the banding support system or LAP-BAND® itself is to blame and has failed you.   Sure, let's blame the fills or the people who sold us on this program. Maybe even your doctor or friends. They should of convinced you to go the gastric bypass route for better results.   Let's be honest with one another. No one is going to know. Just you and the words on the screen. Ask yourself these questions.   You following your recommended diet? That's right...Remember....Protein shakes and healthy meals in between. Smaller portions?   No bad high carb foods, eliminating potato chips, ice cream, milk shakes, cheeseburgers, french fries, pizza, Chinese food, spagetti and fatty Mexican food?   You just made a funny face. Uh-oh. You eating fast food? How many times a week are you eating out? No, you can't have it both ways. Answer the question.   Going to the gym each morning or after work? We are talking real workouts 3-5 days a week. Not just walking around the track once then saying goodbye. You know... real goals and eventually even weights? Seeking help from gym staff to get you started.   No, you don't have time for that kind of thing? Just going to eat well and lose it without excercise? Oh...okay.   Family buying you food you can't eat if you want to lose weight? Eating it anyway? Just too hard to cook for kids and eat healthy?   Spouse doesn't want you to succeed?   Or perhaps you do not want to succeed because you are afraid of being faithful if skinny? Or how it might make your spouse feel because they are not changing their habits?   Just tired of being on a diet? Can't find motivation? Lack of energy? Depressed because others know you are not losing the weight after surgery?   So the final question...why are you finding ways to sabotage your success?   You knew what this surgery was about. Now it's time for you to do your part.   You are not a miracle person who can lose weight by eating whatever you want and not excercising. You have to put your effort in if you want to lose the weight. It takes you.   Look at your lifestyle and make changes.   THIS IS NOT A DIET.   A diet is something you do for a little while then stop.   This is a lifestyle change.This is how you will live the rest of your life to be around healthy and strong. So, set the example for your family and children.   Quit blaming others or yourself. It's time to be honest. Face facts.   If this is not working for you...are you really working for it?   PS: I do not have it figured out. I am struggling. I am failing. I am making poor choices that stack up to cause negative outcomes in weight loss. Most of these questions are to myself, and I know why things have not been working for me.   However I know that if I make enough positive choices back to back, they are going to add up to weight loss.   I am very grateful for the medical staff who don't give up on me. Thanks to them and a powerful support group tonight, I think I am getting back on track.   Feel like joining me if you are in the same place?
drowsydad

drowsydad

10
 

Lap Band Surgery & Post OP Day One

Hello Everyone,   I have been reading everyone's posts, and wanted to say thanks for all the good information during this journey.   Figured I would try to pass this information to the next person who is waiting for surgery. These are my experiences so far, so I hope I do not scare anyone. I just want to be honest about what I feel and how things have went so far. I am trying to be very detailed, so sorry if this is a bit boring.:thumbup:   I went to St. John's Hospital in Springfield, MO yesterday, March 1st, 2010, at 5:30am in the morning for LAP-BAND®® Surgery with surgeon Dr. Robert Cavagnol.   I weighed in at 381 lbs. I was 400 lbs two weeks before after returning from a 7 day Carnival Cruise where I gained 10 lbs. I went straight from eating anything I wanted on the ship to a liquid diet. Not very smart, but the vacation was planned before the surgery and my surgeon felt I could handle the challenge.   I undressed my sweat pants and cotton t-shirt, put on the hospital gown, and waited an hour for the other staff to arrive. The registration and lab staff verified who I was, checked my blood sugar, and placed an IV in my right arm to prep me for surgery.   I was not sure why we had to be there so early. My spouse and I were tired, but enjoyed the intimate moments to talk and spend quite time together with no kids. I was very nervous about this surgery, as I had lost a friend I worked with a few years before during a routine gall stone procedure. He died in the recovery area very unexpectedly.   Soon things started to move quicker. At 7am it seemed like all the staff had come in for their shifts. The anesthesiologist entered my room, gave me an idea what to expect during surgery and gave me some Versed in my IV to calm me, and my surgeon popped his head not too long after for a quick handshake and some last minute discussion on how I would feel post op and promised to talk to my wife Lindsey in the waiting room when finished operating.   My wife was then taken to the waiting room, and a male surgical nurse came in to wheel me off to surgery. Once in the operating room, I was given extra blankets that were warmed and given a mask to breath through. The warm blankets felt great! I went to sleep very quickly after that not even knowing I was getting put to sleep. No time to even worry about it. Everyone was very nice and I really felt comfortable before surgery. I even thanked the staff a few times as they really did everything possible to keep me comfortable and calm. St. John's does a great job and their people make the difference.   I awoke in the recovery room about an hour later. I was very tired and could immediately feel a large amount of pressure on my chest. It was very difficult to breathe. I went back to sleep for a few minutes before waking again. A female nurse asked how I was doing, and I asked the bed to be raised as my lower back was hurting and I hoped that this would help me breathe. She moved the bed immediately. The nurse also explained the pressure in my chest was the carbon dioxide used by the surgeon to inflate my inner stomach area during surgery so he could see better around my stomach and liver. I was told this pain would last for 1-2 days, as my body would need to break the gas down and get rid of it over time. I felt really panicked about this, as it felt like a small child was sitting on my chest. My thoughts wandered to heart attacks and other scenarios I could dream up. My mind always thinks that way. I wish I could stop it, but oh well. I was over reacting in the moment.   I was soon rolled to the room I was in earlier, where I originally undressed and put on my gown.   My wife joined me soon afterwards and told me my surgeon stopped into the waiting room to speak with her. He felt things went very well. He told her that my 2 week pre-op liquid diet had helped, as I had lost weight around my liver and made it easier for him during surgery. This was a relief, because I really wanted to succeed with this goal, and it was hard to go from solid foods on my vacation to broth and protein shakes. Probably one of the hardest things I have ever done diet wise, as I really have little to no willpower.   I tried to get comfortable in the room, and asked the nurse if I could stand. The nurse there was happy that I wanted to get up. She helped me immediately. Standing seemed to help me breathe as my body weight did not press down on my chest as much. I was suprised how easy I could move around. There was little pain.   My wife helped me into my sweat pants and t-shirt and helped me with my shoes. I was asked to pee in the bathroom and not flush by the nurse. Once this was done, they took my wife to get the car, and put me in a wheel chair to meet her at the patient exit and go home. My wife went to a pharmacy to pick up some pain meds, and I slept in the car off and on during the trip home.   Once we got to our house, I plopped into a recliner and again could not get comfortable. The pressure in my chest was really difficult to bear. I eventually asked my wife to help me to the bedroom where I was able to lay sideways and sleep. The stomach area hurt as this pulled on my incisions, but this seemed to relieve the pressure I was feeling in my chest. i was glad to trade one uncomfortable thing for something else taht was more bearable.   I awoke a few hours later and walked around the house, as the medical staff stated this would help the gas pressure from moving to my shoulder. As the day progressed, the pressure seemed to diminish. Walking did help.   I sipped water during the daytime and at night drank some chicken broth. The broth filled my stomach greatly and I began to have horrible hiccups before bed that hurt my incisions. These hiccups moved my whole chest, and there was a strange feeling that I need to burp, but could not. Eventually I was sick and felt better after getting some of the chicken broth out of my stomach.   All I can say, is that after surgery, it is very hard to listen to your body. Especially your stomach. You cannot figure out if you are hungry, ill, or just experiencing pressure from the carbon dioxide. This continued into my first day Post Op (today).   I woke after sleeping comfortably through the night. I was feeling great, the pressure was mostly gone, and I felt hungry. I mixed a strawberry protein shake, thinking I was allowed to have it, since my discharge instructions stated to return to a liquid diet and asked for 50-70 grams of protein a day. BIG MISTAKE! I was sick as a dog all morning. My stomach was angry, and the milk curdled. Took me a few hours to stop vomiting. When my wife came home from work, she quickly reminded me I was to drink only broth and water until my visit with the surgeon on March 8th. I am also allowed sugar free popsicles. I sipped water for the rest of the day and drank half a can of chicken broth for dinner.   Even the chicken broth sat heavy on my stomach and for a while I thought I would again be sick. By the grace of God I have kept it down and was able to type this blog post.   The only real problem now is just eating again. My tummy does not seem comfortable and I am desperately trying to listen to the signs as to what it needs right now. I have these strong hiccups that move my whole chest and occur frequently and put additional pressure on my chest and incisions. They last about 5-10 minutes, and are more of an aggregation that painful. I am guessing this too is normal.   I am not having doubts about the surgery, but it is starting to occur to me this will be a rough few weeks of adapting. I guess I thought I might be the lucky one, but it appears that I will have to tough it out like everyone else these first few days. I can actually feel the band sitting on my stomach, and it feels weird and heavy. I think it causes the hiccups. I do not feel the port, as some have posted. Not even sure what side it is on.   I can sleep on my back and side, get up from my recliner unassisted, and even managed a shower on my own today. I am doing okay with the pain, and really was surprised how little the incisions have hurt. So in some ways I am lucky.   I just keep reminding myself all this discomfort will go away and eventually I will feel some sense of normal. I just don't like feeling this way at the moment.   I keep thinking about the 4th of July and how happy I am going to be that I had this surgery by then. Hopefully I will be much trimmer and more comfortable with the band by then.   As for being comfortable at home, I snuggle with a foam spa pillow that helps when I push it against my stomach. I purchased it at Sam's Club and love it! it has made the difference in sleeping in bed, as I can move it under my feet or back if needed.   I also went to BlockBuster and rented a few movies to keep me entertained.   One thing that has helped me feel better is getting up and moving. I made a taco dinner for the family tonight, even though I could not eat them, it felt good to do something for them. They seemed suprised I could do it.   Tomorrow I am going to walk around the block in my neighborhood for some excercise. It's only 1/4 of a mile, but I know this will be a good goal for the energy I have. Looking forward to the gym in a few more weeks.   Well, thats all for now. Feel like I wrote a book, but this has been the last 48 hours of my life. Good luck to all of you waiting for surgery. I hope to see your journey's and success stories here later.   Would love to read any comments if you had the surgery already and shared similar experiences. I kind of feel abnormal at the moment. I could use some reassurance that others went through the same stuff and survived! LOL!   Thanks for reading.   -Chris
drowsydad

drowsydad

7
 

Bandster Hell and the Honest Truth

I recently went to a Lap band support group and the folks who spoke mentioned only how strong they were. They never cheated, never felt the desire to eat bad foods, and never felt hunger after their surgery.   At first, I thought I was a freak. I could not relate. Sure, the surgery was not too bad and I quickly recovered, but daddy still likes to eat. A few weeks post op and I was hungry just as before.   These folks were talking about losing 50 pounds before their first fill. Not me.   What they were describing felt more like a competition to "one up" each other, and find out who was more perfect. I was too scared to mention that my experience was different and that I was having a hard time with my diet and my first few fills did little to help. I just sat their vey quite nodding my head.   I have been reading about "Bandster Hell", and I can honestly say the guilt is the torment.   You tell so many people about your choice for surgery. You work hard to get there and recover. Then you wait, and wait, and wait...hoping that restriction comes. Hoping the weight will start to drop so you can justify the choice. Especially when some people you know think you were lame for having surgery and don't mind telling you Lap Band is the easy way out.   Family, friends, and co-workers ask how things are going 8,10,and 12 weeks later post op. You feel like they are questioning you because they think you have failed. You feel you have failed. Losing 5 pounds just doesn't seem like enough after going through so much and paying so much money.   Then the support group you go to hoping for comfort decides to only talk about how well things went for them and how strong they were with willpower. I get it! You are amazing and lost weight fast. Doesn't happen that way for everyone, and if you are so perfect, why did you need the surgery in the first place? I know they mean well, but really...be honest.   This is hard. It is not easy. Be human and tell the truth about the night you struggled with ice cream, dodged going to the gym for the first time over a week, or wondering if people were judging your success based on bypass results of someone they know.   A support group is for people being real, open, and honest. Felt like a church ladies social with gossip and bragging.   On better news, I had my 3rd fill this week. I will be having #4 on June 1st. With a 14cc band, this could take a while. At 6cc now.   I know years from now this period of the game will seem less dramatic. However it seems like no one talks about this "Bandster Hell" period where you go crazy waiting for change.   Oh well. Thanks for listening to me rant. Until next time.   -Chris
drowsydad

drowsydad

8
 

Holy crap that is a big needle!

I had band fill number four yesterday. Every visit so far I have made sure not to look down. I do not like needles, and seeing them only makes things worse.   However this time, I found my eyes focusing on what the technician was doing. When she took the plastic cover off I about screamed. That needle is HUGE!   I never feel it thanks to the Lidocaine, but the visual appears to represent a medically approved stabbing.   If you are weak in the knees when it comes to big needles, do not watch or attempt to look.   I now have a total of 7cc in the 14cc band. I can eat anything I want. No issues with bread. I had some trouble with rice a few weeks back, but no issue since.   My weight during the last visit showed I lost 5 lbs in 2 weeks. I was amazed by that. Fill number five is scheduled in two more weeks. I wonder how many cc's it will take. I am guessing around 10cc I should be getting close to the green spot. Anyone with a 14cc band need more than 10cc?   -Chris
drowsydad

drowsydad

3
 

5K Run Update and More...

Happy Thanksgiving everyone!   I am thankful for being alive and having wonderful people in my life who love me unconditionally.   Today was a great day! Started this morning with a 5K walk in Springfield, MO. They call it the Turkey Trot, and today was the 15th year of the event. 6,000 people attended and I was one of them.   Started the race a bit cold, but found myself jogging the first 200 yards. This really helped, and the rest of the way my pace was a very quick walking step. It also helped my six year old son was with me. He really kept me moving. Ended the last 100 yards by jogging and it was inspirational to see so many people clapping and cheering for complete strangers at the finish line. Finished in 53 minutes, 13 seconds. I will be back next year.   I had my Psych Eval yesterday for the LAP-BAND®. Took a long test and talked with someone about life stuff. I will go back in a week to get the results. Before leaving the Psychologist assured me I said nothing to scare her, and that she felt Lap would be beneficial for me.   Still working on the weight. Dropped 2 lbs the last week. Down to 386 lbs as of yesterday. Now that the race is over, I am going to find a new goal to keep working out for. There is another 5K in December called the Jingle Bell Run. Might try that.   Thats all for now. Have a great holiday weekend and be safe if traveling.
drowsydad

drowsydad

2
 

First Fill Update

I had my first fill Tuesday, and though I was a bit scared, the whole ordeal was very easy and short lived.   The only pain was the lidocaine they administered while I was laying on my back. The long needle they used to add fluid was painless.   The sensation felt like a small tug when they entered the port and when they pulled the needle out. I never felt anything as they pushed the fluid in with a syringe.   I did not ask how much saline they used, but it appeared to be 2-3cc.   I had surgery on March 1st, 2010 and have maintained my weight at 375-380lbs. My weight on the day of my surgery was 381.   I feel no restriction currently, even after the first fill. I suppose it might take a couple fills before I actually get to the good place, and start losing weight. I can eat just as much as ever, though I am working hard on portion sizes. Fast food is my nemesis.   My diet could be much better, and I am finding that old habits are returning as I wait to adjust the band. I really like Mexican food, and need to get this off my menu.   It is a horrible feeling to have people close to you question your choice and not be supportive.   Not losing weight seems to fuel their opinions to point me out as a failure, even if they do not fully understand this will take time. I am really down about this right now.   I have been called selfish for having the surgery as well as lazy to not lose the weight the "right way". Part of me wants to starve myself to lose 30 pounds fast just to feel justify my choice.   I know in time I will show the people who doubt me I made a wise decision, but I am currently waiting for things to progress. I feel like I am in limbo.   I am staying active. I purchased a push mower, instead of using my riding lawnmower. Beats the gym, right?   I am also walking several times a week. I love being outdoors.   My clothes are becoming loose. I will be shopping soon for new pants. Since February 1st, I have lost about 20lbs, so I do get a few compliments at work. Feels good.   Well, thats all for now. Time to be patient and wait the next few fills out.   Have a great weekend everyone!   -Chris
drowsydad

drowsydad

1
 

Protein Shake Recipes Needed!!!

I purchased a new blender from Sam's Club. The Oster Professional Series. Figured I am now a person who requires a blender on a daily basis. Can't wait to use it!     Truthfully, I am getting tired of the plain vanilla, chocolate and strawberry protein powders in a shaker to get me through my post op days. I just need more spice to life. Please help! Can you send me what worked for you?   I had LAP-BAND®® Surgery on Monday, March 1st, so I am only a few days Post Op. Can't do the mushies just yet.   Confessional Time: I ate a few things yesterday I feel very guilty about.   First, I ate Egg Drop Soup. I figured there were no LAP-BAND®® risks and that the small egg pieces in the soup would not be frowned upon by my doctor. More protein, right?   Secondly, I enjoyed 1.5 cups of Chester's Butter Flavored Puffcorn. My parents came to visit me, and we ended up watching a movie after a long day of shopping. My mom kindly thought of me and offered this as a snack instead of eating real buttered popcorn. It dissolved easily before swallowing. However the idea of eating junk food so soon after surgery really isn't wonderful either. I can go on to tell you it was baked, had zero trans fats, and all that other marketing wizardry on the bag that leads us astray from the healthy path, but we all know at the end of a dieting day it was junk.     Guilt aside, I may use this later though as an alternative to popcorn when I do splurge at the movies. Just in small pre-portioned amounts.   Happy Saturday Everyone!   -Chris
drowsydad

drowsydad

1
 

Second Fill Update

Had my second fill Tuesday. They added 2cc for a total of 4cc.   Still not feeling restriction. They say this is normal since they used a bigger band. Might be a few more fills.   I feel impatient. Mostly because I am not losing weight. Just maintaining the 30 lbs I have already lost.   Diet is an issue. Working on it, but old habits are tough. Especially when eating out with the family. I have been eating fast food salads if we end up at some place where we need food fast. Skipping diet soda and being very good about sticking with water. No carbonated beverages.   I have not had a beer since two weeks pre-op. Sometimes I really miss it, but staying true on that goal. Went to a micro-brewery and felt out of place with my ice water.   I have scheduled my 3rd fill in two weeks. Hoping that might be the moment I can feel restriction. It would be a relief to know things are working.   I feel like maybe something is wrong, though I know it is all in my head. I get panicky that I will not lose weight, and everyone who knows I had the surgery will see me as a failure.   The x-ray tech that administered my fill said that she could see good restriction. She even showed me the narrow passage where the band was.   It just seems odd that it can show up on the x-ray, but I can still eat whatever I want as quickly as before the surgery.   I am trying hard to chew 30 times and not drink water with meals. Easy to forget sometimes.   Better get some sleep.   Bye for now.   Chris
drowsydad

drowsydad

4
 

388lbs and Choosing Life

I am a jolly old soul. Love to eat, cook, and did I mention eat? I long for that full feeling. It comforts me.   I have lost weight off and on over 12 years. Most successfully by starving myself. Once lost 70lbs eating one meal a day.   Weight Watchers and Adkins worked for 20-40lbs. I gained it all back a few months later.   I always thought bariatric surgery was too extreme and that no matter how bad things were, there was always the possibility that some day I could lose the weight and be healthy by exercising and eating well on my own.   Years later and heavier than ever, I realize that I am going to die on this path of gluttony. I cannot pretend to be a better person than those who take the surgical road, because in truth, it is an illness of willpower. I am sick. Those who have pursued surgery have done something. I have done nothing.   Too often I speak with people I respect in my life and they view bariatric surgery a failure, because one could not diet effectively. It's a stigma that is just wrong. Why attack a person for doing what they can to survive?   At the end of the day, no one can save you but yourself. These same people who will look down upon you are not going to work out with you at the gym, take time to ask how you are doing losing weight, or try to motivate you. They will say nothing until you fail, and then they happily take the opportunity to point out your lack of result.   I think LAP-BAND® is a gift from God. The concept, and staff in the medical field using this option are saving lives. I only hope the insurance games are eventually prohibited. I am pursuing this surgery and will have a few more months before my insurance will consider paying for 50%.   My wife is not supportive. She loves me, but with a Christian Science background in her family, she is quick to judge the medical field as a monster to be avoided.   I recently explained to her I was doing this without her. I will take the money from my 401k if necessary, because I deserve to live and must do anything possible to defeat my obesity and lack of willpower. She thinks I am selfish. I think dying would be selfish, and with two kids I have to do this for them also.   I am walking a lot right now. I have a 5K on Thanksgiving morning to kick off my endeavor. Small goals...one day at a time. Hoping to lose some weight on my own while I wait.   I would like to think in a year it becomes easier. I would like to think the naysayers will look how happy I am, healthier and thinner, and admit they were wrong about my decision.   I would envy a day in which my spouse would thank me for not giving up on this when we fought so hard over it early on.   However, at the end of the day, I have to do this for me. No one else will. I am not a victim. No one else is to blame.   I am just a guy with life choices, and I cannot pretend that what I have been doing will prevent more weight gain. I cannot assume a day will come where I will magically have the willpower and strength to change on my own and never abuse food again.   I cannot pretend I am exempt from diabetes and heart disease. Already my health is starting to slide, and I am only 33 years old.   I cannot pretend that when I do succomb to an early death on this path of denial, the people who did not believe in bariatric surgery will obstain from making aloud comments at my funeral...that I made the choices that led to my demise.   So...this is a choice I make for me. A choice to live. A goal of survival and no one will bring me down or stop me. I will be happy. I will lose this weight...I will live...and this is the choice I make.   I pray God will help me and make LAP-BAND® available to my life. Without this, I don't think I can change or prevent what is coming. With it I have a good shot to lose the weight and keep it off.   Wish me luck!   -Christopher
drowsydad

drowsydad

7
 

Post Op Day 3

Well, I am three days Post Op now. I feel much better since surgery. The pain and vomiting has all went away. I have very minor burning around my incisions when I bend down or sit down too low in a chair. Nothing at all bad. It is easy to manage.   I am drinking protein shakes, chicken broth, and lots of water through the day. I have also had sugar free Jell-O. It feels good to get the digestion process started again.   Today, I was able to keep a dentist appointment for a cleaning and it felt good to get out of the house. I still tire a little easily, but I guess that is just because I have not been sleeping regularly. I like my naps at home whenever I feel like it.   I am thinking about going to see a movie tomorrow if I feel well enough. I like walking and moving. Its not much exercise, but the short walks around the block have really made me feel better. Just leaving the house felt great!   I have had major cravings lately for Mexican food. I would really like to have some salsa or something else spicy. On a side note, I have also been dreaming about eating this stuff. My sister called and woke me up yesterday and I told her I was dreaming about eating breakfast steak quesadillas with salsa and sour cream. I laughed about it, but it was a good dream. Very vivid and detailed. My stomach was really growling long afterwards.   Here is the dish, I am a binge eater, so I really need to be careful to not try and eat something that could hurt my overall band goals. I am embarrassed to admit it, but part of me would love to see what I could get away with right now since I am so hungry, but I will not give in and do something so stupid. I hate that about myself, but I would love to eat a large amount right now if I could.   I will return to work Wednesday if my doctor approves on Tuesday. I figure I will be very comfortable by then and mostly recovered. I am eager to get to the next stage of my diet, as I am getting tired of broth and protein shakes. I am told that after my first fill, things will get more interesting as far as the "full" feeling goes. I am counting on that to help with my binge cravings later.   Thanks for all the comments and support. It has helped.   Appreciatively,   -Chris
drowsydad

drowsydad

2
 

Are we there yet?

I just had my 9th or 10th fill. I have sort of lost track.   They say I have 10cc filled on a 14cc band.   Restriction has been barely noticeable the last few visits. The last two weeks, I actually wondered if they took fluid out, as I was eating everything I wanted and then some with no problems or fullness.   Today, I was told my pouch and restriction looked excellent on the x-ray, but they have said that everytime I visit.   I really think they are milking me for my money every two weeks. Each fill is $75, so it seems they never fill more than .5cc at a time. Keeps the cash coming in, when they could have filled 2cc-4cc each visit. When I first started going they gave me a few at 1cc.   Several of the last visits they have only given .25cc. It is taking forever! Is this normal?   I can still eat anything I want. My only limitations appear to be early in the morning when I am most tight. By lunch, it all goes down fine.   Hmmm....
drowsydad

drowsydad

3
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