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The Journey Begins....

I have never written a blog before. I have never really considered it. Nor have I ever read others' blogs. But the past couple of days I began reading blogs of others who have already begun this journey. I wanted to see the progression of thoughts and feelings they have gone through after their banding. It has been fascinating to read about the ups and downs of others' experiences, and to know that I am embarking on this myself.   I will be banded on February 8. I begin my 3 week pre-op diet a week from now. I feel like I am struggling to focus on anything else. I know my life is about to change forever, and I'm almost obsessed with it. I know my husband and parents are sick of hearing about it!   To give a brief background on who I am - I am 34 years old. I am a former teacher, currently a stay-at-home mother of two children, aged 2 and 4. My husband has never weighed over 190 pounds and doesn't understand my struggles. He is not really in favor of me having Lap-band®® surgery. He says that his gut feeling is that this is a bad idea. But I don't think anyone can understand the struggles of a morbidly obese person except for another person who has walked in the same shoes.   I believe that God has led me down this path. My faith and my relationship with God is very important to me. When I felt like even God could not help me out of this pit, He revealed to me that this was the way He was going to choose to answer the prayers I have prayed for so long.   I know that if I do not do something, I will not live to see my children grow up. Even now, I feel like I am preventing my children from having the childhood they could if I were 100 pounds lighter. I'm too tired to run in the backyard with them. I won't take them to amusement parks because I know I won't fit on the rides. I keep myself from getting together with others and making friends because I hate being the only fat mother in a group of beautiful, skinny, perfect mothers. I'm tired of feeling like I never have anything to wear, even though I have boxes and boxes of clothes that USED to fit, and a few things that currently fit that I don't really like. I don't want my kids to be known as the kids with the "fat mom." Most of all, I want my kids to remember me as happy, healthy, energetic, and fun. I don't think that would describe me now.   I want my life to change.   So, I don't really care if anyone ever reads this blog or not. This is for me. I want to have a record of this time in my life. I don't want to forget where I came from. When I feel like things aren't moving fast enough, or that it's just not worth it.... I want to be able to look back at where I started.   Michelle 1/10/10
philippians413

philippians413

6
 

Twas the night before surgery.....

and all through the house, not a creature was stirring except for me. I thought I would feel differently by the time I reached this point. I expected to be so proud for sucessfully completing my preop diet. And I do feel that. But I don't feel the excitement I thought I would. I am thrilled that I made it through the diet. I didn't cheat once, no bites, no licks. Perfect. And I am happy, but not exstatic like I thought. I'm not sure if it's because I'm so, so very tired. This diet has done a number on my body. I'm often dizzy and lightheaded, and usually very tired. It makes it hard to celebrate anything like that! Maybe I'm tentative because up until this point, I've seen the surgery itself as an escape from the preop diet. But now that I'm there, I am realizing the enormity of what tomorrow brings. I've had surgery before, but never one that I chose to have. I've never been in a situation where I could change my mind if I wanted to. I'm a little afraid of the pain. But I'm mainly afraid that I won't make it through the next weeks until I get a fill, or even until I get enough fills, that I am not hungry and struggling. While in one sense, the surgery is the end... it is really the beginning. For the last 3 1/2 weeks I had someone dictating what I would eat, how much, and that I would eat nothing else. After the surgery, I will have to make choices again. Choices are dangeous for me... I am looking forward to moving on. Hoping God is merciful and will continue to give me strength and able to get through this!
philippians413

philippians413

4
 

Here we go.... PreOp diet begins

Yesterday I had my nutrition class and I saw the nurse practioner. I also found out I had to begin my Preop diet today. It was only supposed to be 3 weeks, so I'm not sure how it got changed to 3 1/2. The nurse prac. said 3 weeks, but then the nutritionist just told me to start it today. AAHHHH! I cried on the hour drive home. I feel silly admitting that. I know it's just food. But I guess I felt like I needed time to prepare myself, and I didn't have any. So the PreOp diet is about 500-800 calories a day. I can have 5 Medifast/Healthwise products a day and 1 bar. The products they offer are: shakes, oatmeal, scrambled eggs/omelets, pancakes/blueberry pancakes, hot chocolate./cappuchino, and soups. I know that probably sounds great - but the portions are very, very small, and all of these products are low carb and high protein... so pancakes that aren't made with flour are really mediocre. Other than those and the bars (which are really pretty good) I can have all the broth, sugar free jello or popsicles and Crystal Light that I want. This morning I was really down. Which is funny, because I often skip breakfast. I had Amaretto Hot Chocolate, which was pretty yummy but was not very filling. I felt so hungry. I think probably because it's on my mind it makes me feel more hungry. I got some crossword and word puzzle books, and a couple of magazines. I think I might also get into some games on my husband's Nintendo DS. I joined NetFlix so I can get some movies. Trying to find other things to do with my time. I've also decided not to eat at the table. At least for now. So far today when I prepared food for the kids, I went to my bedroom while they ate. Just didn't want to be around it. The only other thing I have to report is that my surgery date has changed from Feb 8 to Feb 9. My insurance wants me to have it at a different hospital, thus the date change.
philippians413

philippians413

3
 

Trying to keep control

My nutrition class is in 2 days. This is where we will told about our preop diet and also how we will be eating after the surgery. I don't think I'm supposed to start my preop diet until next Monday though. So my challenge is... "Last Meal Syndrome." I had been doing pretty well at losing some weight. But now I've quit journaling, and I'm eating things because I know that I won't be able to eat them for a long time. (if ever) Last night my husband and I went out on a date to our favorite place - The Melting Pot. It's a fondue restaurant that serves a four course dinner. Cheese fondue, salad, main course, and dessert fondue. You end up eating a lot of food while you are there, but you eat it quite slowly because of the nature of fondue. I sat there and wondered if that was the last time I'd be able to eat there. And I realized something about myself. I have a really hard time having fun if food is not involved. To me, a nice date always involves a nice dinner. I don't know how to enjoy myself any other way. When my best friend comes into town (she's overweight too) we buy special foods so that we can have a good time. It seems like food is a form of entertainment for me. Not just that, it is my primary form of entertainment. I need to find a way to change the way I find fun and enjoyment. In the meantime, I need to find a way to maintain control of my eating these last few days.
philippians413

philippians413

2
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