It is unbelievable how busy I am at work this week, so this blog entry will have to be quick. :-) I hope to get caught up on all my blog reading tonight!!
I'm meeting my sorority little sis for dinner tonight. It will be the first time we have seen each other in almost 15 years!! We reconnected through Facebook and figured out that we both live in the DFW area. That was over a year ago!! But we are finally getting together and I'm so excited. I can tell through her FB posts that she has lost a lot of weight this year and she has really been working at it. She's been an inspiration to me! Her pictures now look like the same Shannon I knew in college. :-)
As promised I'm attaching my spandex progress pics. The changes are definitely more subtle, but I can tell that the once "sausage casing-like" shirt is now getting baggy. Yay! Plus, I'm starting to have a break between my chest and belly, so that's nice.
Have a great day everyone! Hope to catch up more tomorrow.
Although I haven't been banded, I attended my first support group meeting yesterday. The people there were amazing and gave me so much confidence that I'm making the right choice. I decided that it is full speed ahead!
My first doctor's visit is next Tuesday and honestly, I can't wait! I know that there are going to be frustrations and struggles. And I certainly know that not everyday is going to be rainbows and daisies. However, I will be DOING something. I am ready.
Since I'm self-pay, I wonder how soon I will be able to do it. I will certainly do anything that my doctor requires or suggests, but I suspect I won't have to go through months of anything like some insurances require.
I'm looking forward to meeting with the nutritionist. On every diet I've had, my goal was to figure out how I could eat as much as possible with the diet's calorie/fat/point/etc. limitation because I was always SO hungry. It is almost unreal to think that I would be able to eat a child's portion lunch and be satisfied. I have to reprogram my entire mindset!!
I've started the small bite and chewing process now. It is quite a bit harder than I thought, but I think it will help me to practice.
I'm crossing my fingers that I found out WHEN on Tuesday!!
I had a wonderful Christmas vacation with friends and family. I'm so fired up for my pre-op diet (starting Jan. 12th) and my surgery (Jan. 27th)!!
I see my parents several times a year, but I only see my brother's family 2-3 times a year. In 2009 we went to Disney World in January, but then I didn't see them again until September. So seeing them again in December seemed quick, plus I stayed over a week!
I had planned to tell my (adorable, thin, runner, supportive, wonderful) sister-in-law about my surgery, but when I got up there I just decided to wait. I felt sure that she would be supportive, but I wasn't sure how my brother would react and mostly I just didn't want to bring it up.
All was fine, but I guess I never told my mom that I wasn't going to say anything. I'm not exactly sure of the conversation, but she indicated to my SIL that I had something to tell her. I told her that she could just tell her and so she did. I was alone in the car with SIL yesterday before I left and she asked me about it. She was lovely and wonderfully supportive. **The Shocking Part** My brother is a good brother, but he is not always the nicest of guys. He is an atheletic popular type and people just LOVE him. He can be very mean, but then gets mad when you call him on it. One day he was just so grumpy that I left the house. I'm sure it was just having us all around, but gees...deal, we do. Most of the time he was great, so a blip every once in a while is fine. I'm sure I get on his nerves too, so there you go. Anyway, he took me to the airport yesterday and was very nice. When we stopped, he went to the back of the car to help me with my luggage. He hugged me and said "Good luck with your procedure. We'll be thinking of you." That was huge, people. I mean...just huge.
My SILs sister is having a baby in March and we were sitting around the living room talking about baby names. We started teasing about what I would name my baby. My 6 year old niece got so excited because she thought I was pregnant. She was jumping around and said..."That's why you're so fff..." I smiled and laughed and said "..fat? No, we are just teasing." My SIL was slightly mortified, but I took it in stride.
The most horrific moment of the trip was when I got on the plane to come back. The seatbelt didn't fit. I had one on the way that fit with spare room. I feel confident that I didn't gain that much over the week, but it didn't matter. Maybe it was a different kind of plane. I asked the guy attendent and he was super nice and quiet about it. I think if this would have happened before I had made my decisions and plans, I would have broken down. Instead, I let myself get teary eyed for a few minutes, then I just let it go. It is just another not-so-fun reminder that I have a plan that is right for me and things WILL change.
28 days to surgery!!
All of my pains from surgery are behind me and I'm feeling good. I've not had any trouble eating from the beginning although I didn't have an appetite until this weekend. I gained 2 lbs this weekend from the solid food, but I guess that is normal. I'm not aloud to eat a lot of types of protein yet so I'm getting too many carbs. Wednesday I can add chicken and fish to my diet so that is going to help tremendously!!
I also need to get moving. I know I can't Jazzercise yet, but I can walk and work on my Wii. I need to make a committment and do that this week.
I have a support group meeting tonight, my first since being banded. It will be nice to be able to share some of my experience and to better understand some of what others will be sharing.
I'm sure Bandster Hell will get worse before it gets better. My first fill is a week from Friday. I just have to set my mind to "dieting" for a couple of weeks. That will be easier once I can eat meat and vegetables.
I can do it! Have a great week everyone!
I took my montly "casual" pics today. It is the first month that I don't really see a difference. But then again, I only lost 4 pounds since the last picture. At least it is the right direction!!
I will take my super fun spandex pictures tonight at Group. We will see how that goes.
I wrote a nice little blog this morning, then my computer ate it. So, I'm going to have to bail this morning.
Have a great day and I will talk to you tomorrow!
As I have mentioned previously, I have my first visit with the surgeon on Tuesday. I'm self pay, so I'm hoping to schedule the procedure as early as possible in 2010.
That said, I have been on a bender lately. I haven't been binging or anything like that, but I have been just eating whatever I want and I haven't been exercising a lot. I was holding steady at my "highest weight ever" through May of this year. Then, I quit smoking. Don't get me wrong...YAY! Completely quit. Done. Finito. However, the 15-20 pounds I have gained since then have just been horrible. I am uncomfortable like I have never been before. I am actually changing what I do because of my weight. Unacceptable!
But...when it comes to food, I think..."I better enjoy this since I'm not going to get it after I'm banded!" Bad! And when it comes to exercise, I've gotten to the point where my feet hurt, my knees hurt and I'm just so freaking out of shape. Pathetic! I have been Jazzercising regularly for 6 years...how is it even possible that I got to this point? By only going 1-2 times per week, apparently. I guess just paying for my classes doesn't actually contribute to keeping you in shape. Oops.
I stepped on the scale today and HOLY MOLY!! I am the biggest I have ever been. It's like everyday is a new record. I had had enough!
I came to work and had my bowl of cereal instead of a bagel. And we went to a salad place for lunch where I had a nice healthy veggie filled salad. Good me!
I had been back to work for 30 minutes after lunch and I was hungry. I tried to decide the ratio of stomach to head hunger. I made a goal to drink 16 oz of water and if I was still hungry in 10 minutes, I would have a 100 calorie pretzel snack. After the water and 10 minutes, I was still slightly hungry, but didn't feel my stomach was going to growl at any second. Yay for me not immediately eating more. It's a start! Although after another 20 minutes my stomach started to growl so I ate the pretzels. I ate each pretzel slowly one at a time and paused after each to assess my hunger. I also tried to take a big drink of water in between each pretzel (which I know you aren't supposed to do when your banded, so maybe that is the wrong strategy.)
I really want to try and learn to disguish the head/stomach hunger. I'm afraid that I will get banded and still be "hungry" all the time.
I know I'm not going to be perfect between now and band day. But maybe I can at least get started.
I KNOW that the band is not magic and it will still be hard after. But I just keep thinking that it will be a wonderful tool to help me make it less hard than it is now.
Keep on keeping on.
I attended my 2nd LB support group last night. Even though I'm not being banded until January, they are so inclusive and helpful.
It is so wonderful to sit in a room with people that are going through, have gone through or will go through what I'm going through now. They also do things together outside of group, so it brings in a whole new social element.
One of the veterns (she was banded in Dec 2008, met her goal of 84 lbs lost in July and has been maintaining since) gave me her phone number and email address just in case I have any questions that come up. I mean really...how sweet is that!?! She looks FABULOUS, by the way.
I also met some girls my age and they seem fun to get to know. One of the girls talked about how she lost 150 pounds but then she had a band issue and had to empty it. She then went on a bender and gained 15 pounds before she was able to get back on track. 15 pounds?? I don't want to belittle what I'm sure was a difficult time for her, but I can gain 15 pounds over the holidays! It was another example to me how this can be such an effective tool, not only for weight LOSS, but especially for maintaining.
No one, not even the girl with trouble, regretted or didn't like their band. There was a newbie, banded in late October, that was having a little trouble adjusting, but still willing to work at it.
It is interesting how passionately people feel about the time prior to surgery (diet vs. pig out.) People certainly can argue adamantly one way or the other!!
Bottom line is that I love my support group and plan to be a part of it for a long time!!
Another 7.6 pounds down! Yeehaw! I was concerned that my weight loss would slow down a lot after last month's lower (not bad, just lower than normal) loss. But I seemed to have bounced back which makes me VERY happy. Too reach my next goal of 199 pounds, I need to lose 12 pounds. I am going to aggressively push to reach that by Thanksgiving. I can do it!!
I worked out 681 minutes in September which works out to an average of 22.7 minutes per day. I can live with that! I also finished my first 5K which is an amazing accomplishment for me!!
I lost 7 inches this month. Most notably, I lost another .75 inches from EACH thigh. I totally believe that my thighs are as small as they have ever been as an adult. I can't imagine how they will look by Christmas!! Also, I lost 1.5 inches off my bust and 2 inches off my hips. Since January, I have lost 13.50 inches off my waist and 13 inches off my hips. Incredible! I was totally muffin-topping out of size 3 Lane Bryant jeans (that's around 22/24W) at the time of surgery and now I fit perfectly into a lovely Misses' size 16.
What a super fun and happy day!! I just can't envision what future months will bring. Thank you all for your continued support! I will catch up with you all on Monday after my trip to NOLA!
~~ Laizzes les bons temps rouler! ~~
I forgot to measure Wednesday night. That's not like me to forget a checkpoint.
Drum roll, please...
I lost 13 inches total this month! I measure each upper arm and wrist, neck, bust, waist, belly, hips, and each thigh and calf (13 spots in total). That is the 2nd most yet!! I lost 3.5 inches from my waist and 3.75 inches from my belly just this month. Other big losers were my hips (1.5") and my right thigh (??!!?) (1.25").
My biggest loser thusfar...I have lost 9.5 inches from my waist since mid-January. Whoa! Total inches lost from the beginning...53.25". Wow.
Just in the last week or so, I moved to my Lane Bryant size 1 jeans since the 2's were getting a little baggy. I'm not joking when I say that these are not going to make it very long. I have only 3 pairs of jeans that currently fit and no other pants. I think I will absolutely have to go shopping for real in 30-60 days. YAY!!
I told you all about the fabulous book I'm reading...The Amazing Adventures of Diet Girl. This chick is AWESOME!! I have some more "me" quotes for you:
Quote #1: "All this cold hard data is strangely comforting. If I don't like my weigh-in result, I can manipulate the data and spit out a statistic that will make me feel better."
Quote #2: "This whole love-hate relationship with my body is exhausting. How do you tame that negative voice? How do you learn to like yourself? I'd settle for mere tolerance, just enough to make me believe I'm worth all this effort. But I can't run away this time, I'll go back to the class next week. I'll keep on going and I'll get better at it. These days, I'm not the kind of girl who gives up.
Quote #3: "Some days I'm positive and proud to have come this far. But some days my confidence and resolve feel flimsier than those string bikinis, ready to come undone at the slightest hint of a breeze.
Did I mention that I LOVE this book??
Sorry for the horn tootin', but I was just so darn happy! I'm off to Louisiana, so I will talk to you all next Wednesday!!
Hi everyone! I am officially a bandster. Woo hoo!!
Mom flew in the night before and we briefly chatted and got ready for bed. I was really tired, but once I was in bed I was quite anxious so I took my $13 Valium. Next thing I knew it was morning.
We had to be at the surgery center at 6:45 so we were up and at it bright and early. We happened to walk in with my surgeon so I felt that was a good sign somehow. I was slated to go second for the day and I filled out my paperwork. They took the first girl back and it seemed just a few minutes later that they called me back. The nurses were super sweet as they prepped me. I had to give a urine sample before I had the surgery but I had to wait until the first girl was out of the bathroom. That took about 20 minutes, I think. Poor girl could never go so they brought her out to give her fluids and bumped me up a spot. Woo hoo!
I talked to the surgeon a bit. He's a feisty one. But I like that. I remember meeting the anesthesiologist (CA-UTE!) but nothing much after that. Next thing I knew I was in recovery. The nurse said that I did so great during my preop diet that my liver looked fantastic and the normally 45 minutes surgery took only 20! That made it all worth it.
I felt like I had been hit by a truck, but I was also feeling optimistic. I had to sit in post op for about an hour and I started to feel a bit better. As I was about ready to go the girl that got bumped came out of surgery and she was not having an easy time of it. I felt bad for her but it made me realize how well I was doing.
That was it and I was ready to go home. Mom drove me and I realized it was only 9:15. Wow. I was home three hours from the time I left in the morning. Crazy!
The day was long. I wasn't sleepy at all so a nap was out of the question. My mom kept me company and we watched mindless TV all day. I would move back and forth from the TV to the couch throughout the day. One thing I noticed is that I could lay on my side almost immediately. That surprised me, I took pain medication every four hours regardless of how I felt. I think that helped a lot. I also took a lot of GasX. It didn't seem to do much until late in the evening when I started to feel things moving in my tummy. I have been farting like a trucker ever since.
My throat hurt worse than I expected it to, my incisions hurt less than I expected to and my gas hurt about like I expected.
My friends at work sent me flowers which was super sweet. And I had a lot of friends and family members sending me good thoughts and messages.
I went to bed around 10 PM. I was able to cuddle a body pillow and sleep on my side. I slept quite well until 4:30 when I got up and took more pain medication. I went back to sleep and woke up around 8:00 to a text from my friend. (Side note: she recently had a break in, but is trying to hook up with the police officer that came by and I have been giving her pointers. She had just taken some thank you cookies to the station and needed some support. :thumbup: )
I still have gas today, but it has subsided quite a bit. Insicions hurt but only a little bit. My throat is almost all better. There is just a small cut on the top of my mouth from the breathing tube that is driving me crazy.
I have been drinking water like crazy. Yesterday I had grape juice, a popsicle and a tiny bit of chicken broth. No issues whatsoever. Today I have had more juice and I'm having hot tea now. I also took my birth control pill and had no issue. For lunch I will have some more chicken broth and for dinner I might get crazy and have some beef broth.
All in all...not a bad experience. Yesterday I felt like I got hit by a Mack truck, but today just a VW bug. Ha!
Hope you are all doing well out there!!
October 30, 2009: I have been researching LB for a few months now. I have had the initial consultation and learned that my insurance will not cover. I am still moving forward and have my initial meeting with my doctor on 11/17. Since I am paying for the procedure myself, I will need to wait until 2010 to take advantage of my company's flex med program. That will at least help with some of the cost.
I am keeping my mind open in case something comes along that makes me realize that this is not for me. However, I believe that I have done enough research to know most of the costs and benefits.
I am 35 and single so the decision is my own. My parents know I'm thinking of it and support me completely. My friends, although skeptical, realize they have no idea what I'm going through and will stand by my decision.
I have noticed that people who are active in a lap band community seem to be successful overall, so I have determined that I should try.
I'm not a writer by nature, but I think logging my experience (if only for myself) can only help. I have a long way to go, so the next few months will only be prep.
My motto for now: Prayers and preparation! :crying:
...and only 7 Days until my pre-op appointment. Wow. I'm ready though!
I decided that I wouldn't police myself over Christmas. I figured that if I gained 5 or 6 pounds, so be it. How many of you just laughed to yourself about my naivete? Yes, I actually gained 9.5 pounds. Add that to the 3 pounds I gained at Thanksgiving and I am almost 13 pounds heavier from the holidays. Ugh. Can't blame a soul but myself.
I did work out last night for the first time in forever. My feet are killing me these days (from the extra weight) so I can't Jazzercise, but I worked out for 40 minutes on my Wii Fit. It isn't a super duper workout, but I sweat and got my heart rate up. It is a start and I will make a goal to do at least 30 minutes each day this week.
One of the company partners brought in a Bacon Explosion today. What is that you ask? See for yourself: Bacon Explosion: The BBQ Sausage Recipe of all Recipes Yikes! I had one bite. Probably my entire fat count for the whole day. Ha!
Another random thought: I want to take my official "before" picture this weekend before I start my pre-op diet. I live alone and it is not super fun to imagine asking a friend to do it. (I want it to be in workout pants and top. Those seem to show the differences best to me.) So, I was thinking that I would take my outfit and camera to my support group meeting on Monday. I bet one of them would take it for me. I love having that group along with this site. It has really allowed me to talk about it a lot without driving my friends crazy. Plus, my mom talks to me about it all the time so that helps too.
I just need to get through this week then time is going to fly by! Happy week, y'all!
I've been having trouble posting my blog entries and have lost about three. Supposedly things are fixed, so here I go!
I am one month out. I have lost 22 lbs and 8.75 inches. YAY!! Most of that was during my pre-op diet, but I'm still down in total since the surgery. I understand this is bandster hell and I'm trying! I've found that I'm less obsessed which is good, but since I didn't lose anything last week...maybe it isn't too good.
I analyzed what I ate last week and found that I'm spending too many calories on carbs and fat. So my goal for this week is to really focus on high protein and low carb meals. My scale goal is to get on a downward, losing trend. I'm trying not to be too selfish and impatient, but I just want to go in the right direction!
Working out again feels really good. I think it will take about 6 weeks for me to get in the habit of going to class 3-4 times a week, but that is my goal. I used to do that without a problem, but it is amazing what you can get used to when you are being lazy! I know that without a doubt, the exercise makes me feel better and it will help me get off those pounds.
I am definitely feeling more restriction since my first fill. I have had trouble when I eat too fast or take too big of bites, so that has helped me to slow down. I have also had some trouble with heated up chicken no matter the size of the bites, so that has helped me modify my meal plan.
Right now I'm having a protein shake for breakfast, my "big" meal at lunch (today was some chicken on a baked potato), an afternoon snack of pita chips and laughing cow cheese, and dinner (grilled chicken salad with boiled egg.) My breakfast, snack & dinner don't see much diversity, so I really try to mix it up at lunch. For instance, yesterday I had grilled catfish with a small amount (2 T?) of broccoli rice casserole.
I eat lunch out almost every day. If anyone has any meal ideas for restaurants, please send them my way!!
Have a great week!!
Surgery date, that is! I have my pre-op and dietician consult on Tuesday, January 12th. That is when I start my pre-op diet. {cringe}
The big day is Wednesday, January 27th. That is 68 days away! With Thanksgiving and Christmas in there, time is going to fly by.
I'm quite excited! Now that everything is scheduled, it is truly time to just wait. I feel so relaxed, confident and completely satisfied with my decision. I know I will get nervous a few times between now and then, but I am ready.
My parents and 3 friends know right now. A couple remain supportive but skeptical. That's okay, because I plan to "show", not "tell." My plan is to actively blog, attend my support groups and do exactly what my doctor tells me to do.
And so it begins...!!
Yesterday was a tough blog post for me. Because I had a bad morning yesterday, it started bringing up all those old feelings.
I made myself remember all of it. Not just Buffalo Butt, not just the bus, but more... There were so many times that I was interested in a boy that befriended me only to end up dating one of my (thinner) friends. It's very possible it was because they just didn't want to date ME, but all I saw was rejection of a fatty. As an adult, I had two long distance relationships right out of college and that is it. Nada in about a decade. I've only kissed one guy in about 6 years, I think? And that was a drunken hook up at a friend's wedding. Ha!
Growing up, I was the same size as some of my friends, but I always considered myself the fat one. I look at pictures and that wasn't really the case. All my friends had dates and boyfriends, but I didn't. My mom said that I always pushed them away or cut them off. The older I get, the more I realize that might be somewhat true. You know that Rodney Dangerfield quote about him not wanting to join any club that would have himself as a member? That's me, I think. In my head, I don't want to date anyone that would want to date me. Wow. That's just kinda sad...like, really...sad.
Did I mention that I love boys? I do. I'm boy crazy, in fact!! I just never get past the admiring stage.
I know I'm smart. I know I'm witty (in person...not so much in writing, ha!) I know that I am a natural leader, have a good work ethic and I'm nice. Apparently humble as well. But all that is negated much of the time because I'm fat. I was driving with a guy friend one time and he told me that guys will choose the skinny girl over the better looking overweight girl every time. He said that he knew it sucked, but it was true. That has really stuck with me.
Now, don't get me wrong, I know that fat people get married, fat people have sex, fat people date. I know all of that. While I can imagine a romantic scenario with a cute guy in fantasy, I have a hard time truly imagining it in reality.
About 4 years ago, I think I had a pretty good chance with a cute guy. We would email, talk on the phone and generally made excuses to see each other. It didn't work out and I started to gain weight. I didn't stop for 80 pounds. All the weight gain wasn't about him, for sure. But I have no doubt that it contributed to the start of it.
I know I feel better about myself now at 227 than I did at 285. No question about it. So, I do think that as I lose weight, I will continue to feel better about myself. I don't think when I am 185 that I will see myself in the mirror as if I am 285 or 225. Maybe the argument is that I should be happy with myself regardless of the number on the scale. But I don't think that is my reality. We'll see.
One thing I do know is that I haven't stuck with anything this long and I have officially lost more at one time than I ever have before. I WILL lose 120 pounds and I WILL feel good about my body.
I can't promise that losing the weight will net me a boyfriend. I know better than that. But if I feel good about myself, I know that will reflect and will at least allow for the possibility.
I will work on a happier post for tomorrow!!
Busy day ahead, so I don't have time for much. But I wanted to check in and ask for everyone to wish me luck on my 5K tomorrow! Although I have practiced a bit more, I'm still not ready to run 3.1 miles. Ha!
But it will be fun since I'm doing it with a dear friend. I picked up my packet yesterday, so I'm ready to go!!
I have a little bit of Halloween spirit today. I'm wearing a Rangers shirt (they are going to do SO much better at home) with some little devil horns (since I'm an ANGRY Ranger). I need to go by Target tonight because I need some Halloween socks and a long sleeved Tshirt to wear to the run. It's getting COLD in the mornings!!
Have a super weekend everyone!
If you have been reading my blog, you know that I was banded on 1/27, had a good start but stalled after a month. I had my first fill on 2/19, started working out that week as well and gained weight each of the next two weeks. So, two weeks ago, I started what I was calling an 8 week Jumpstart. Basically it was a committment on my part to focus on nutrition and to spend more time working out.
I have completed two weeks of my little program and after losing 1.6 pounds last week, I haved gained 1.2 pounds this week. Sigh.
Recap of the week:
Monday - Did 40 minutes of cardio at Jazzercise and 50 minutes with my personal trainer. I ate just under 1,500 calories for the day, including 100g protein.
Tuesday - Did 25 minutes on the elliptical. I ate 1,600 calories, including 119g protein.
Wedneday - No work out. I ate 1,500 calories.
Thursday - Did 25 minutes on the elliptical at lunch and 40 minutes of cardio at Jazzercise after work. I did have 1,900 calories this day.
Friday - Did 50 minutes with the personal trainer and ate 1,800 calories.
Saturday - Did 60 minutes of cardio and strength training at Jazzercise. Did not track food this day.
Sunday - No exercise and no food tracking. I went back today and tracked the best I could (because I did think I ate a lot and even adding an extra 400 calories for things I might have forgot, I was still under 2,000 calories!)
I took a metabolism test that said that if I was totally inactive, I would maintain my weight by eating 2,000-2,200 calories a day. I would lose moderately eating 1,800-2,000 per day. I felt that my goal of 1,500-1,800 would be sufficient. Don't get me wrong, I wasn't completely on target with that, but by all accounts, I should have lost SOMETHING!
I'm telling myself that a lot of it is muscle and I have no doubt that some of it is. But it is clear that I'm going to have to eat less which gets me to today.
I feel that I have been doing the best I can foodwise, so I'm hoping today will help. I would like to get to a point where I only need 1,000-1,200 calories a day. Although, it is hard for me to imagine woking out with that little...but that's what the doctor's say, right? I will be sure and ask today
Each week is a new one and a renewed comittment. It took me many years to get this way and it will take a long time to get where I want to be. I do not like being negative, so I won't be. I feel strongly that eventually everything I'm doing will kick in and help me, I just have to be patient.
Hope everyone has a good week!
I had an interesting and meaningful experience this morning. It is a little outside my normal blog feel, so I’m posting separately. But it meant a lot to me and I wanted to share.
As a child, I looked up to my older cousin Tammy. In a big family, she was the oldest girl and hung out with all the older boys. There were 13 of us cousins and growing up we spent a lot of time together on my grandparent’s farm. We were so blessed to have that time together. I remember idolizing Tammy when I was in elementary school…she was probably in high school around that time. I thought she was so beautiful. I caught the bouquet at her wedding to handsome Mike. She was radiant that day.
Several years later, Tammy was attacked at her job. I was somewhat young and wasn’t privy to the details, but I know it wasn’t good. From that point on, she was never able to pull out of the spiral that began. She was in unsuccessful therapy, on too many pills and lived with her enabling mother. She lost her husband, her job, her friends, and her happiness. She was terribly obese. At our family get-togethers, she would eat and eat and eat. It was devastating to watch. I understand now that Tammy always had an eating problem…just like everyone else in my family, including me. I honestly believe it is hereditary. We all have weight issues, although some have a better handle on it than others. She had just gotten to the point where she couldn’t or didn’t want (or didn’t have the energy) to control it. Several years ago, Tammy passed away in her sleep. I’m not sure if they every actually figured out the true cause. But in my heart, Tammy just gave up on life.
This morning, I was dreaming about Tammy. I was having a conversation with her and her two sisters (sisters that do not exist in reality and I’m not sure what/who they symbolize). I don’t really remember that conversation, but I do know that it was a positive and happy one. Still in the dream, I called my mom. I told her about the conversation and although she didn’t mention the sisters she did remind me that Tammy had died so it couldn’t have been her. I told her that I forgot Tammy had died, but I KNEW it was her. Of that I was sure. The conversation ended.
Still in the dream, I was standing at a bathroom mirror. I laid my hands flat on the counter and bowed my head. I said to Tammy that I know it was you and I know you are here with me now. I asked her to give me a sign that she was with me. I looked up into the mirror with my hands firmly on the counter. My reflection was there pointing straight at me. It startled me, but then my body became warm and I started to wake up. Before I completely let go, I told her that “I knew it.”
Whether I believe that Tammy’s spirit was truly with me or whether I believe it was simply a dream is irrelevant. I know that Tammy would be behind me and appreciate what I am doing to change my life. It also helps reaffirm what I am fighting for. Although I am not Tammy, I do think that we share many similarities. I could very easily follow her path. But I’m choosing something different. I’m forging my own way and I WILL be successful. I love you Tammy and I promise that you will always be in my heart.
Beth
I guess I didn't really know what Bandster Hell was until today. I stepped on the scales for my weekly weigh-in and I was .2 pounds up. I know that doesn't seem like a lot, but I was .6 pounds up last week, so I am definitely moving in the WRONG direction.
I have been eating in a way (calorie-wise) that would have produced results in the past. Now...not so much. Plus, I worked out 4 times last week. And not just "activity" work outs...hard, high intensity work outs.
I had myself a nice little pity party on the way to work. Unfortunately, my mom had to attend the party because I talk to her during my commute. I'm not good with these types of parties, for myself or anyone else, so as soon as I got to work...I made a plan. I always feel better when I have a plan.
Step 1: I honestly don't know how much effect I can have on my "diet" until my next fill which is 3/22. So, I'm going to do that which I hate and LOG EVERYTHING. UGH. Seriously, I hate it. But I can't deal with these types of results until I hit my sweet spot. If I log my food, I will have one of two results. 1. It will turn out that I am indeed fooling myself and there are changes to be made. 2. I'm doing everything I need to do and will get some sort of weird satisfaction in showing my nurse. Heh.
Step 2: Additionally, I have gotten a couple of co-workers to work out with me (elliptical) at lunch two days a week. This is HUGE for me. I hate staying in for lunch. I REALLY, REALLY, REALLY hate staying in for lunch. I'm a single girl who lives by myself and lunch is one of my only social interactions. But I recognize that in the short term, I need to make a committment to this. So, I'm planning to do this 2 days a week for 8 weeks.
Step 3: I'm getting a personal trainer. I go to Jazzercise 2-4 times per week. I get a fantastic work out from Jazzercise, but it is hell on my feet. I think it will always hurt, but if I lost 50 pounds, I bet it would start huring less!! Anyway...I can't add Jazzercise classes because my feet will fall off. I thought I would try more muscle building so I can burn fat faster. I have had issues with hurting my back in the past, so I want to work out with a personal trainer to try and keep that from happening. That would just not be helpful at all. I meet with someone at the gym tomorrow at 7:30 PM after my Jazzercise class.
I am committing to 8 weeks (through the end of April) to give myself a good jumpstart. I cannot yet say what I will do after that, but that is not the point. Short term committment. 8 weeks.
I can do this!
Hi everyone! It is a busy day getting back into the swing of things. I will have to post about my trip tomorrow.
In the meantime, I'm very proud to say that I lost a pound on this vacation that I found on the last vacation!! :cursing: So, only a pound to go until I'm back to my lowest again.
Also, I got a fill yesterday so that should help me control some of my hunger. I was holding my own, but it was tough.
It is time for progress pictures! I have attached my "Casual" pics from the beginning, last month and this month. I also attached "Head" pics from the beginning and this month.
I will post the super fun "Spandex" pics tomorrow.
I missed you and look forward to getting back into my routine!! :thumbup:
It has been an interesting week. One in which I have learned a bit about myself. Last Monday I began to get sick. I really pushed myself to get through it. I worked out on Monday and twice on Tuesday and ate well. I lost over a pound in those two days. By Tuesday night, I just couldn't deny that I was sick.
Wednesday I went to the doctor and took it easy. Thursday I worked out but didn't push too hard. I also did not make good eating choices. In those two days, I found my lost pound.
By the weekend, I felt myself making excuses. I've been sick, so I should take it easy. I've had a rough week, so a treat is in order. I haven't slept well, so I should sleep in instead of working out. On and on it went through the weekend. Monday (today) is my official weigh in day and I lost 8 tenths of a pound for the week. Don't get me wrong. I will take a loss regardless of the size. But in my heart, I know that I wasn't working at it. A pound when you are working hard is a huge victory...a pound when you are making bad choices is not. (for me.)
If I were the old, unbanded me, today would be the day I would quit. I mean I have lost 50 pounds. I fit GREAT in my clothes. I'm at a "normal" weight for myself as an adult. I can tell that if I were the old me, I would start my climb back into non-diet mode.
Fortunately for me, I'm no longer on a diet! I have changed my life. Therefore, it is much easier for me to say "ENOUGH!" It is much easier to stop this nonsense and get myself back on track. I couldn't help getting sick and causing a pause in my routine. But I CAN help how I react to it.
My goal is to eat "right" (and I know what that means for me) and work out three hours during the next three days. If I do that, I know myself well enough to know that will be enough to get me going in the right direction and the rest will come.
I'm leaving for vacation on Thursday and return on Tuesday. Then I leave again on Friday and return on Sunday. I actually do well on vacation so I'm not worried about that at all. My issues are squarely on me when I'm at home by myself. It is time to make myself busy again.
Thank you Band for helping me to be strong and take control of my life! I will always have hurdles, but you have helped me be able to jump them instead of letting them stop me!
Weightloss has been a lifelong struggle for me as it has most likely been for most of you. In order to lose weight, I had to sacrifice and deprive myself of so much in order to be successful at it.
It has been a challenge this year to completely change my perspective. Although weightloss is my primary goal, I want to enjoy my life as I live it. However, this week, my body seems to be rewarding itself for bad behavior.
I had a fill last week and after a 1/2 pound gain the week before, I lost that plus and additional 4 pounds! I felt strongly that a lot of that was water weight and dehydration that would be put back on. But I got to this week and I'm still losing.
Monday, I didn't work out at all. I had a work lunch and a work dinner, both at delicious restaurants with richly prepared food. On Tuesday, I ran a couple miles at lunch, but I had a decadent dinner. Both nights I also had a drink before dinner and coffee with cream after dinner. Yesterday, I had TWO Otis Spunkmyer (aka HIGH CALORIE) cookies at lunch and finished off the leftovers from Monday night. I did work out, but I finished the night with BOTH ice cream AND two pieces of dark chocolate. All of that and I'm still down over a half pound since Sunday.
Today we are having our Thanksgiving pitch in at work. There will be casseroles and carbs galore! I plan to enjoy it. :smile: I know I tend to be conservative when I log calories. I will put down the calories for the entire serving even if I didn't eat all of it. Or I will put down calories for 1/2 if I eat more like 1/3. I figure there are always hidden calories I miss, so I want to be conservative. However, I wonder if I am being more conservative than I realize. Am I getting so used to eating smaller portions that I don't need to "pad" the numbers so much?
I know that my mom is constantly making comments about me "eating all that food". I think I talk about what I eat as if I ate it all and maybe I even have that in my head, but in reality I didn't. I told her this morning that I had a bagel for breakfast yesterday, but I actually had half a bagel and I don't think I even ate the last 2-3 bites. There is a big difference there.
I guess it comes down to my concern that suddenly I will wake up tomorrow up 4.5 pounds higher which would make me sad. My scale is telling me to keep doing what I'm doing, but my head is yelling at me that I'm not sacrificing enough to be this successful and it will all come crashing down.
I will enjoy our pitch in lunch today, but then I will also work myself out like crazy at Jazzercise. Maybe that isn't bad/nuts/indulgent...maybe it is just normal. I guess only time will tell!!
Beth
Wowzaa...Friday sucked. Flat out one of the top (bottom) ten work days I've ever had. In one decision, I cost my struggling company about $40k that it sincerely doesn't have. I was a basket case on Friday and it took me long into the weekend to get a grip on my mood. Objectively, I knew about 2 hours in that it wasn't truly my fault and about 4 hours in I had determined that with the information I had at the time, I would make the same decision every time. But it took me about 24-30 hours to adjust back from my bad attitude. I was mad at EVERYBODY although I did do my darnedest not to show it. I slipped a little, but my truly awesome friends rallied and even tried to cheer me up with crazy You Tube videos. :thumbup:
But by Sunday, I was all better and today is just another new workday. I have a lot of responsibility in my job and a lot of high expectations. Occassionally, I'm going to make a mistake and that is just part of life. The good news is that we may have legal rights to retrieve the money so that would be even better!! Regardless, we have all learned a lot from this experience.
Moving on to Sunday...I went shopping. (Sidenote: finallyincontrol, I think you were the one that said that I love to shop? I thought of that repeatedly during the day. HA!) I now have plenty of clothes to get me through the next 20-30 pounds, I think. One of my friends here at work told me I look very SLENDER in the outfit I'm wearing today. ME...slender? Uh, okay. Huh. I will take it!!
I figured out last night that I wasn't going to be down this week at my Monday morning weigh in. I even had a fill this week...a teensy weensy one, but a fill nonetheless. I ALWAYS lose a couple of pounds at least on a fill week. But I guess I have reached my first dreaded plateau. Y'all know I'm not one to sit around and find out. So...yes, I have a plan!
I ordered a Body Bugg last night and it should be here sometime this week. I'm committing to a new 8 week plan. I'm not technically starting until next week since I don't have the bug which I have already named Jax (after the badass biker on Sons of Anarchy). I was going to name it Bicho (meaning bug in Spanish), but I was afraid that everyone would think that I was calling it a bitch. :smile2:
I will use Jax to accurately determine calories burned during the day as well as log my calories consumed. I'm committing to using Jax for calories burned for 8 weeks. I'm committing to recording calories consumed for 4 weeks, because I honestly don't think I can get myself to do more. Hopefully after 4 weeks it will become habit, but committing to 8 weeks for something I absolutely hate to do is too overwhelming.
Additionally, I'm committing to doing 20 minutes of beginner yoga 4 times per week. At least 3 of those times must be in the morning before work (because I think it would be really beneficial).
Honestly, using Jax for calories burned is a no brainer. Once I got over the thought of spending $300, using it will be no big deal. Getting myself up (just 20-30 minutes) earlier in the morning is going to be a little more challenging, but I used to do it all the time. I know that once I get through a couple of weeks, I will be able to do it. Recording my calories consumed is going to be the real challenge here.
Technically, it was supposed to be part of my first 8 week challenge, but I gave it up after a day and decided that I would only do it if I gained weight. I'm such a sucker to myself!! But I thought if I lowered the committment to 4 weeks, I might at least get out of the gate.
I'm going to visit my brother and his family for Labor Day. They know I'm doing this and saw me at the highest at Christmas and then again 40 pounds lighter at my grandmother's funeral. There are over 5 weeks until that vacation and I would very much like to lose 10 pounds. That is a lot for me since I typically average 1.8 pounds and I seem to be slowing. BUT it is very doable. That would put me at around 70 pounds lost and only about 15-20 pounds from my lowest weight ever as an adult.
I can do this! Thank you all for your good wishes and support. It makes ALL the difference in the world!
Tomorrow will be 13 weeks post surgery. Wow...time certainly does fly. Yet, in some ways it feels that it was much longer ago. 15 weeks ago I started my pre op diet. For 15 weeks I have been making more healthy choices than unhealthy choices. I honestly can't remember a time when I was that dedicated to anything non-work related for that long.
Today the anticipation of weighing actually got me out of bed. It is kind of funny, but true. I lost 3.2 lbs. last week which is good, but being that it was a fill week, it wasn't outstanding. Plus, Saturday morning I was down a pound from that and subsequently gained it back over the weekend. Yesterday, I did eat 1800 calories which is high for me. My metobolic test showed that I should be able to eat 2200 calories per day with no exercise and maintain. So, although I ate 1800 calories, I worked out for 65 minutes (25 elliptical & 40 Jazzercise). SO...I just knew that pound was going to be gone. I kind of hoped that there would be more, but I'm not greedy, that one pound would be sufficient.
You all know what is coming here...a great big fat ZERO. That's right, nothing. Nada. Zip. ::deep breath:: My body does this and I know better. But darn it if it doesn't get me riled up. I know it's okay though. I know that I need to continue to follow the rules and it will work out.
All of this got me thinking...15 weeks. I've been doing this for 15 weeks. Yes, I have frustrating mornings like I had this morning, but I also know that it will work itself out. I am working hard by working out. I am working hard (for me) by not eating heavy foods and sweets ALL THE TIME. But I'm not working so hard that I can't continue. That's why I have been able to do this for 15 weeks.
Another reason I have been able to do this is that I can't not. There have been a few days in there where I just wanted a big fat cheeseburger...but I can't eat a big fat cheeseburger. It is just not possible. Flat out...my tastes are changing. I have found that I don't even like French fries anymore because I have to chew them so much they don't taste good anymore.
It's been 15 weeks and I'm doing well. The band isn't making me exercise, but I am. The band isn't making me order the grilled chicken instead of the fried, but I am (most of the time.) And most importantly, the band doesn't comfort me in the way that food used to, but I'm not letting it get me down.
This is MY journey. MY life. MY band. I can't live exactly as anyone else and they can't live exactly like me. I'm owning this 15 weeks of positive life change. It is MINE!
I had a major smoothie meltdown over the weekend. I certainly don't hate smoothies, but I was at the point that I couldn't even think of one without gagging. I honestly didn't know that was possible. I didn't eat much on Saturday and I knew that wasn't healthy. I still felt that way yesterday, but managed to choke down a protein shake in the AM, but I ended up having a little less shake and a little more soup than I am supposed to have in the PM. I felt slightly bad for "cheating", but since the two soups together were actually less calories than some of the other soups I can have, I can't imagine that it caused too much damage. Plus, I feel much better today and know that I can finish out the diet from here.
I had a little bit of excitement this morning. I was talking to my mom about her flight in (she is helping me post surgery). She is coming in Tuesday evening and my surgery was Wednesday morning. Well, long story short, her plane ticket is for Wednesday evening, not Tuesday. Sigh. There was a lot of drama, but the airline switched her up and she is coming in Tuesday evening, just like she thought. YAY!
The surgery nurse called me today and I'm to be at the surgery center at 6:45 AM. I like that. I would rather get there early and get it over instead of waiting much of the day...especially since I have to fast. So, it is really starting to feel real. I thought I would be more freaked out, but I'm not. Yet, anyway.
My girlfriends are going to go get pedicures with me tonight so I'm not sitting at home thinking about it. They are awesome!
Wednesday morning will be the official end of my pre op diet and I will weigh in then, but as of this morning I am down 11.8 lbs. So, I think I will hit my goal of 12 lbs. lost on the pre op diet. I'm definitely proud of myself for that.
*** I want to thank you all for your support. I appreciate each and every response because it makes me realize how "not alone" I am. I can't even put into words what a difference it has made. ***
Have a wonderful day!!
