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Bad, Bad, and Worse

I was a bad, bad girl today. I mean swat my wrist, spank me with a switch, over the knee and everything (in a non-kinky way) bad. I know... one week clear liquids, one week thick liquid, one week soft food, and one week introducing regular food. I may have deliberately skipped a few weeks. Bad, bad girl.   I had this craving starting yesterday. I'd have given anything just to bite into something. And just walking around Kohl's made me feel like I would faint from the lack of calories I've consumed over the last week. So today, I was naughty... in a bad way. I was picking up KFC for my mom and my little brother... and I had a little. I know! I KNOW! I had one small popcorn chicken (chewed until it was unrecognizable) and half a serving of mashed potatos. I felt so satisfied... it was incredible. It didn't take much... and I didn't drink like the doctor said... But to eat... even just a little.   I'm back on the wagon tomorrow. I'm supposed to officially start the thick liquids, which means protein shakes and more calories. I plan to spluge a little for my birthday and have a bite of cake (mostly frosting ... and only ONE) before filling up on water. But I'm going back on the wagon. I just... needed the calorie boost. And it went fine. I digested everything without complication (which probably means I'm definitely going to be having that fill at 4 weeks) and I felt satisfied (e.g. not hungry) for hours. And I didn't eat anymore as soon as I didn't feel hungry, which is a plus... as overeating has always been my problem. Now, I can't wait for week 4. Grilled chicken and broccoli. Peas and spinach. Fruit! I know it doesn't sound like much, but I'd kill for a nice grapefruit right now. No more pushing it though... I caved out of pure desperation for calories. I will have enough calories in protien shakes to sustain me. No excuses for further failures. I probably shouldn't even have frosting at my party. I'd be harrassed endlessly, but it's probably for the best. I don't know. I have a few days left to think about it. Is half a bite of icing falling off the wagon, or an acceptable exception to the rule? If I stick to protein shakes and water (and juice and vitamins), can I reward myself with a little icing as long as I don't go overboard? I'm walking, I'm taking my meds, I'm talking to my NP about my concerns, I'm doing what I'm supposed to... but it's a question nontheless... to have icing (1/2 of on table spoon) or not? That's a question that's harder for me tonight than the to be or not to be nonsense...   The pain... overall the pain is getting better. The gas is still an issue, and an extremely annoying one at that. I'm taking chewable Gas X, which let me just say: Yuck. Mint chalk is still chalk. Most of the time the gas is gathered right under my left collar bone, but tonight it's decided to take residence under my left lung. Breathe in - ow! Breathe out - damn! And I've tried walking. I've even tried - gulp - ... how do I put this... hell, you guys probably understand this better than most of my friends... I've even tried jiggling my fat. I seriously cannot BELIEVE I just wrote that on a public forum. Ugh. Anyway... it's still there. I've tried taking deep breaths... everything I can think of... actually, when I'm done here, I'm off to try laying upside down on my bed. When I got up to take my nightly meds and to put a bandage on my big incision (kind of seeping a little, and I rather like my pjs) I could barely stand. I was breathing so heavily from the pain I started to sweat. Awful. For the most part though, aside from tonight (which could be a product of the mashed potato cheating ... karma can be a cruel mistress), it's been ok. The only real pain from the incision is when I get up or down from a seated position. Otherwise, no pain. I'm off pain meds (which is great because before the surgery I was in physical therapy for my back for months and on serious pain meds for 6 months... I was worried about addiction like you wouldn't believe). I didn't even take Advil tonight. I think I'll be fine without it.     Was this a bad idea? This surgery... was this really the road I should have taken... It's such a major change, and I know it has long term benefits... but is this really me? Am I really struggling over whether or not to have a bite of icing on my birthday... my husband is in Afghanistan and is going to miss my birthday for the 4th time in 5 years and I'm worried about icing... and starting to tear up is making my lower lung ache worse. Fabulous.   Laying upside down it is. Perhaps it'll give me a different perspective.
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Day 5

I am sleeping a lot now. I am still moving around and exercising, but I'm actually sleeping through the night.   Everything is starting to hurt less, but my belly is still full of air, which is getting annoying.   At least things are starting to improve.   Thank you for all of you who left encouraging messages. I'll try to write more tomorrow.     PS. I don't think I've ever wanted a curly fry so much in my life.
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Well, call me a monkey's uncle...

So, I finally got sleep last night. Turns out Advil and heating pads do make a difference. Who would have thought that adding a little Advil to Hydrocone would make any difference?!?   It's day 3. Things are both better and worse. The gas pain is almost completely gone, and the incision sites are less painful. However, all of my compensating with my other muscles means that every muscle in my body is screaming "We're not build for this you crazy woman!" My bruises have gone from a dark purple to a splotchy red color. In fact, looking at my incision, it reminds of the fake scars they put on actors in horror movies... all bumpy and blotchy. Yep, I have movie make up on my belly. Yay. The best part of all of this is I was finally able to sleep last night - and a good portion of today. I'm still walking an drinking fluids and everything, but oh, precious sleep, you have returned to me!   I made the serious mistake of not listening to my doctor and trying logic. FYI, logic will fail you if you only plan to use it to make things easier. You see, I know I'm supposed to crush my pills... but even putting them in grape juice, I can still taste the yuck. So, I decided, why not just cut them into little bitty pieces and they'll slide right though. Yeah, that didn't work. They clogged the hole. I had to take a sip of water, wait for it to slowly pass through the pile up (taking little granuals with it) before taking another sip. 30 mintues later, I finally got everything through. I'll be crushing pills from now on, bad taste and all.   All in all, not a bad day today. I still feel like someone cut me open, but it doesn't hurt when I'm lying still. Tomorrow is going to be intersting. Halloween. Passing out candy at my mom's house - without eating any - and wearing a costume (very loose, I assure you), and makeup and the whole shabang. Should be a good 'workout'.   Speaking of tomorrow's activities, I'd better get to bed. The more you sleep, the faster you heal, right?
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Holy Bruises Batman!

Not only am I at a 9-10 on the pain scale, but I have a dollar size dark purple bruise under my incision. Every time I move, every time I reach... ow. So, my surgical nurse called to check on me, and when I told her how I felt, she informed me that the intense pain was not normal and to contact Dr. Hollis immediately. I called and got Hollis's NP. The NP told me that, since the Lortab Elixar wasn't making a dent, I should try using a heating pad and taking Advil every six hours. Seriously? Heating pad and Advil for pain that makes me wish I'd decided to stay fat?? And do they even read the warning label, because I do. Know what it says... may cause stomach bleeding. Anyone else seeing the problem? I don't know.. I'm walking, I'm moving... not sleeping, but otherwise doing what I'm doing what I'm supposed to do. The gas pain is getting better, which is good.   The bruises are a little scary. Just the look of the dark purple and the scares... it made my mom physically ill to look at. I can't wait until that part goes away. And the super glue stuff they put Humpty Dumpty back togther again is a little scary. Stitches I'm ok with...but they super glued me! It just looks WEIRD.   In fact, I just took my first shower since the surgery and was super nervous about rubbing the glue off by accident. Let me tell you, your skin that has been sliced 2" pushed together and super glued back together feels incredibly weird!   So now, I'm sitting here, tired as heck, with a cat making muffins on my leg because my stomach is strickly off limits, and I'm waiting for the heating pad and Advil to make a difference.     Still waiting....:crying:
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OMG Pain

I can't sleep. I didn't sleep for a week before the surgery due to terrible nightmares (it seems slaying the food dragon makes for nasty dreams), and now, I can't sleep because of all the pain. Yes, I'm taking my pain meds... but between the gas pain and the scar/bruises, I can't seem to sleep for more than an hour at a time. Can you say FRUSTRATED???   Don't get me wrong, I knew going in that this wound be easy... but no sleep... still? I need my sleep. I get cranky when I can't sleep... and added to the cranky from the pain, let's just say, my poor, poor mother (who's taking care of me).   I have been drinking water and warm low sodium chicken broth. At first I thought the bland taste would kill me. Now, I'm convinced if I had anything else, my agony would significantly increase. Did anyone else know that immediately post op, it takes over 5 hours to drink 16oz of broth? Because I didn't know that. I also didn't know how painful choking on the water I'm carefully sipping so as not to add more air to my body would be.   I'm down 22lbs pre-op, and my doctor told me the weight should fall off, but when I weighed myself yesterday afternoon, the fluids and air they gave me added 6lbs! Not fair! I know it'll come off slowly - mostly because I have to pee every 30 minutes. Still, some of my 'woohoo' has be stolen.   It's 5:20am. I don't even remember the last time (less yesterday) that I was up this early. I am a night owl, NOT a morning bird. As far as I'm concerned, let someone else have the damn worm. But sleeping late, sleeping at all is not an option. My eyes are scratchy, my poor lids have 10lb weights on them, and my typing skills are seriously compromised... still, breathing hurts, moving is agony, and laying flat is... well, not the best plan.   Long term plan... must focus on long term goals... losing 200lbs. Must focus. No pain, no ... loss. But seriously, you should see these incisions... they'd keep you from sleeping too.
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Getting started after surgery.

I really thought I'd be doing this alone. I'm not one to prattle on about my problems and my thoughts. I give everything in my life adequate though, and I make decisions accordingly. I decided a month ago to have the banding surgery. My surgery date is ... well, in 2.5 hours. I've lost 20lbs pre-op (down from 356 to 336) in 3 weeks. I know I can do this. I'm certain of it. So why am I not sleeping? Why have I had nightmare after nightmare with the central theme of reluctantly having to kill the one thing I love the most (translation- FOOD!).   I gave this a lot of thought, really. I considered a cost/benefit analysis and came up with this answer. But... last minute, I'm terrified.   (Dr appt implied the following) Pasta is a bad idea... for the rest of my life?? White bread, big fluffy biscuts, and garlic toast are gone forever? Seriously, wheat pasta??? So much for Olive Garden...   I know these are guidelines, and maitenance is different that losing, so I'll be able to re-introduce my lover (carbs) when I'm at my goal weight... but even then, only in small doses.   And I've been heavy my whole life. I don't even know what I'd look like without excess baggage! I don't know what I'll do. I know I won't change how I dress - you can take the fat out of the girl but you can't take the girl out of the fat (frame of mind). I just don't know who I'd be if I'm not the fat girl at every event. It's scary. There's the whole "oh, just be yourself" school of thought; but I've been the fat girl. That's been my role. I've worked very hard at pretending it doesn't bother me, at telling people I'd be happy at any size as long as I'm healthy. I lie more to myself than others... so who? Who am I supposed to be?   I have to take my pre-op shower and get on my 'loose fitting clothes' (that statement on my instruction sheet alone makes me wonder if this place 'gets' fat people... what do I wear that tight, besides my bras?) for surgery. Hopefully I'll be out by this afternoon and ready to post again, but I know it could be days. I tend to be a big baby when it comes to pain.   I certainly don't feel like everyone else. I refused banding for so long. On my father's side of the family (the side I grew up a part of), something like this is considered giving up and letting your weakness win. Of course, these are the same people who believe alcoholism is a choice, not a disease.   I got through surgery fine. I had a huge hiatal hernia that had to be repaired, and the band went in with 4cc of fluid. I have bruises and slices and PAIN. I knew there would be pain, but... seriously? The pain from the cuts aren't too bad, but the air they push into you in order to see better may kill me. I'm told it should be gone by tomorrow or the next day.   *Post - Op*   I haven't had time to fully process the fact that this is done. I went into this quickly, as I said before, and so to be at the finish/starting line is a little intimidating. My doctor told me today that if I lost 22lbs in 3 weeks of pre-op dieting, my weight loss over the next 6 months is going to be dramatic. I hope so... I just promise my husband(who works in Afghanistan) a long hike when he comes home on break in March!   I'm about to head to bed... but I know ppl who think this is easy are NUTS. I've had nightmares for weeks... food is my ally... but I have to give it up. And not just a little... but some thing forever--like soda. I'm hoping for 4 days--or 1. Ugh. This pain is absolutely the worst. Worst than gallstones passing. UGH!!!!!!!!!!!!   *Posted on forum yesterday*
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