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About this blog

This blog is for me and anyone who wants to read it. I can be quite long-winded at times, so be ware. :wink2: This blog will chronicle my experience from start to finish, which means it will never end so long as I am alive. :rolleyes2:

Entries in this blog

 

10/28/09

I have a job that is fun and interesting. But it can also include a lot of waiting on computers to get their act together. So I tend to blog and write emails and play games in those times...   This is one such time. And I have been doing this all day long and have read back through some of my blogs and want to update where things are TODAY.   Still not sure what's happening on the insurance front.   From yesterday's blog, I was UP four pounds - after being DOWN four pounds on Sunday. Today I am DOWN three.   The pantry is getting cleaned out slowly but surely. The potato chips are gone and I am glad for that. Still have tortilla chips in there but I am not so worried about them. You see...I LIKE tortilla chips and I do NOT like potato chips. Potato chips are NOT satisfying and yet you always want more. Tortilla chips, on the other hand, do satisfy an urge and they are filling and depending on what you buy, may not be so bad for you, either...   Once upon a time I wrote a blog asking if I was lieing to myself. And here's my answer.   Yes.   And No.   I think the reality is that I DO know how to eat well and healthy and I DO know what proper portion size is. I think that the reality is that somewhere around about two years or so ago I decided somewhere deep in the pea I have for a brain that if I'm going to look like this, I might as well throw what I know out the window. And around about two years ago - I started letting myself, almost making myself, actually, eat those potato chips I actually don't even really like and actually never crave. Does that make sense? No. But it's how I resolved myself to what was happening. If you can't beat it, join it, was the premise.   With the cleaning out of the pantry well underway, things ARE changing. My husband is eating in a way I don't think he ever has before and the weight is quite simply melting off him. Good for him.   If I do what I inherently know - and am discovering I have seriously missed - I should be ok.   An interesting conversation came up with friends last night. One friend is married to a power lifter. He competes and he owns his own gym so he can teach others the differences between power lifting and body building. He's cooky. He lifts TIRES instead of weights. Big ol' huge 750 pound tires - turns them over instead of rolling them along. Anywho. He has a competition in about a week and a half and so is on a no-carb diet for the rest of the time until the competition so that he can beef up as much as possible before hand. Great. Good for him. Except - it is a major undertaking for him to give up those carbs. Ok, so what's wrong with this, you ask? Well. As he sits there and eats all the "bad stuff" (in normal times, not prepping for competitions) he WILL NOT let his kids touch it. And so, of course, that's all they want - is what DAD eats. Mom cooks healthy, lean, good food. And they don't want that - cause DAD doesn't have to eat that. So, that's the background. In this conversation we were talking about the double standard and how that is likely to rear it's ugly head later in their lives.   And I think that's true. And I think I had never really thought of it THAT way before. My mom cooked healthy, lean, good food. It was a very balanced diet. And we did not pack in sugar - wasn't allowed to have regular Kool-Aid, wasn't allowed to have sweetened cereals like Lucky Charms. Wasn't allowed this or that or this or that. And the truth is, I don't like the this or that's that were excluded from my childhood. BUT. My DAD did get that stuff. And he did eat that stuff. And he also died from diabetes and heart disease.   But when I moved out and on my own - I said you know what - Dad ate it, so so can I.   And almost to prove a point, I bought the stuff. And I ate the stuff.   And here I am.   And the irony? The "stuff" doesn't taste good to me. That good, lean, healthy stuff DOES but that "bad stuff" does NOT.   And I'm finding, as I'm making the switch back to what I did for so long - that I AM GLAD AND RELIEVED to be making this switch!   And my husband. He's so cute. I swear by sugarfree Kool-Aid. He thought :crying:.   And then I made a pitcher of it.   And he took a sip (cause he'd never had it before and wanted to be sure it really WAS :thumbup:). But he LIKED it. :smile:   If he cuts the sugar out - that's huge - cause he DID grow up on the stuff.   I don't know why it matters what you grew up with - I keep saying that - but there is personal choice in that realm, too. That matters as much as anything.   One would think.   Anywho.   I am glad the pantry is getting cleaned out. I am glad my husband is so onboard with this lifestyle change. I am glad I actually do know how to do this and that it's turning out to not be a struggle, even. I am glad I have this time, this six months mandatory supervised weight loss time, to work this all out because I DO think this would be HARD HARD HARD if it was just all cold turkey, all just done, all just over with all with the snap of a finger.   And that's what I know.   As for me and the scale - believe it or not - it just cracks me up. How do you lose four pounds over night and then gain back four pounds the next night and then stay steady for two days and then lose three pounds overnight? I really get on the scale for the humor - so what humorousness will I discover tomorrow?
ldswims

ldswims

2
 

11/30/09: Back to work...part 2

All through last week I averaged one meal a day and I was never hungry. It's interesting to me when I have time periods like this. I kept expecting to wake up, get on the scale as I always do, and to see a drop in weight. But all through the week I never did. I was not eating crap, per se, but I was not holding back, either - as losing weight is somehow or another not what I want to be doing right now. Ok, said that wrong. I DO want to. But I can't. Not physically can't - but in terms of eligibility... Anywho. :thumbup: Monday was a rather lazy day. My hubby and I ran some errands but we were around the house and just chillin, too. Monday was the only day that was rather calm like that, so that was a bit of a surprise. After the weekend we had, we did sleep quite late on Monday. Tuesday was a trip to the grocery store and a few more odds and ends of errands. Not much else excitement that day. Wednesday was a neighbor and I taking another neighbor out for her birthday. The birthday girl is a mother of five with kids ranging from just about a year old up to 9 years. She never gets to have me-time because her husband is in the middle of getting his business off the ground. So we stole her away and took her for a pedicure, something she has not had since quite awhile before her baby was born. And from there we went to a local place called the Charleston Tea Room. I was expecting tea and scones and finger sandwiches but it was really just a sandwich shop that had two flavors of iced teas and the full assortment of hot teas. Given that this is Texas, though - after having the quite chilly weekend, this particular day was in the low-70's and everyone was drinking iced tea. They say in Texas - if you don't like the weather you have two options. 1) wait ten minutes. 2) drive ten miles. It's true. :sleep: We stopped at a shop that was right next door and perused their incredibly over-priced junk, too. This shop wanted to be an upscale sort of affair and it was just more of the same ol' same ol' with prices that averaged twice as much as most other places. They were in the middle of a "huge sale" in efforts to get people to spend some money there. There was tons of foot traffic and not one single person buying any of the stuff. I figure - if they want to get some income going, they need to drop the prices. Unfortunately, as we walked in the door they hit us with their "select savings program" and email addresses were given. We all thought the store looked cute and like our own styles so we gladly gave over those precious email addresses. And then we started looking and saw wall sconces - average quality wall sconces - selling for $185 EACH! Eventually it was time to wander home as the babies were getting hungry. So I got home and grabbed the Hubby and said come on, les go. He dutifully put on some shoes and we headed out for something or another. At this point, I can't tell you where we went or what we did - but I know I enjoyed the afternoon with my sweetheart! When we got back home I grabbed all the pie making ingredients and headed over to super-Mom's house to bake pies. We made two pumpkins, a pecan and a buttermilk pecan. We then peeled and cut up the potatoes (10lbs) to leave them soaking in water and got the green beans all snapped and cleaned. I headed back home with the potatoes and the green beans and I pre-made the green beans so they'd be ready to toss in the green bean casserole. In the past I've always used canned green beans for that casserole and decided this year to do fresh as I generally like them better. Oh how the flavor was packing in that dish. I will never used canned again! I also pre-made the pudding for a Banana Cream Pie for my Hubby and whipped up the cranberry relish. Thursday it was up at 7am to get the stuffing started. Super-Mom came over to help out while the children slept the morning away. She did bring her oldest daughter along. I've been told that when the oldest daughter gets a few more years under her belt she will be coming to me for cooking lessons. This neighborhood of mine thinks I am a gourmet chef. It's flattering that they like my food but truth be told - I just follow recipes. I'm just really good about trying new things and new techniques. That is the only thing that sets me apart. Yes, I have developed a few of my own things and I always adapt recipes to my own styles. But I generally always have a starting point from someone or something else. We got the stuffing done and I rubbed the bird with a fennel seed, coriander seed and black peppercorn mix. With the bird cleaned and stuffed and nestled nicely in the roasting pan he went in the backyard on the grill. I was amazed at how quickly that bird cooked. A 22 pound bird plus and it was done in a little over two hours. We actually dropped the temperature quite a bit to get the cooking to slow down but the bird was out by about 12:30. From there we got the rest of the veggies chopped. I make a broccoli rice casserole and a cauliflower gratin. Those veggies all were steamed and ready to go for later. The sweet potatoes had been cooked the night before and with them now cold they then were peeled and ready as well. I went ahead and made the rice for the broccoli rice casserole and chopped and grated and minced whatever I could. And then it was break time. Super-mom went back across the street and Hubby and I headed south to put a fresh set of flowers on his grandmother's grave. I wish I could have met this woman - I think she is the sole reason why my Hubby is such a gracious sharing easy-going human being. She taught him his manners and insisted on keeping him in line. I have now learned so much about his mother but I cannot say any of the good qualities in my Hubby can be attributed to her. He has never claimed that, and in fact has always claimed his grandmother was more of an influence on his good upbringing than anyone else. I always thought, ah, well, MIL HAS to have been a good influence. But with the unfolding of the past few weeks and especially Thursday, I can't claim otherwise now. On a very personal note I always ask my Hubby who I'm most like - mother, step-mother or grandmother. And luckily for me, he does not think I'm like his mom. Don't get me wrong, she has some great qualities - but mothering was not one of them. On the same token, my Hubby is most like, personality wise, my own Mom - that easy-going thing being one of the greatest characteristics. Anywho... We cleaned up the grave site a bit and shoo-ed away the ants with some fire ant killer. And with the fresh flowers placed there was a touching moment where I was glad to be alone with my Hubby. We are usually there with the in-law's... From there we headed back home and then the kitchen turned into a whirlwind of activity. My sweet Hubby set the table and opened the wines and cleaned up behind Super-mom and I. He would also get either of us a cup of this or that on request. I finished off the cauliflower gratin (the most amazing cauliflower dish you'll ever eat!) and made the gravy. I chopped and chopped for the waldorf salad and got the biscuits ready to go. We made the Red Lobster biscuits and Super-mom was surprised at how easy they are. I'm telling you, it's just about trying the recipes... Super-mom whipped up the mashed potatoes and the yams. And she assembled the broccoli rice casserole. Hubby put together the green bean casserole and everything went in the oven. Back for part 3 in a jiffy... :sleep2:
ldswims

ldswims

1
 

11/04/09: How is it that...

How is it that one can go from being skinny and seeing herself as fat to being fat and still see the skinny person inside?   When I was a teenager/20-something year old, I was thin and thought I was fat. It makes me sad to realize just how warped my view of myself was.   How could I not hear my friends when they called me "Barbie"? They even tried to explain to me, sincerely, why they called me that... How could I not hear the company commanders in boot camp when they called me "Miss America"? I always thought to myself - they are doing something like calling a huge man (tall AND wide) 'tiny'. I was the opposite of what they called me in my eye. How could I not understand and realize and see for myself what my mom always told me. When I walked around a mall - I'd leave men turning their heads. She always thought it was pretty neat walking around with me - because I didn't know I was even doing that.   All I REALLY heard was the rest of my family.   My uncle told me at the age of 15 I "was getting too pudgy". My aunt slapped him. Harm was done, nonetheless.   My dad called me "thunderthighs" because he "thought it was funny". Maybe it was a "joke" but harm was done, nonetheless.   My grandmother told me "I would never be able to attract a man if I continued to look like I did" (at 132 pounds which was technically underweight for my height.) Apparently she wanted me to be a waif - which I consider unhealthy.   I was smart enough to know then that waifs are unhealthy. I was not smart enough, if you will, to know that I was being pressured into "society's norms".   I was an athlete. I swam for miles. I was also in drill team. So when I wasn't swimming, I was marching for miles or dancing on football fields. Between the two activities, I had something going "all year long". And in my spare time I was in choir and drama. And in my "leftover" spare time, I was never sitting down.   I look back NOW and I KNOW I was healthy and fit and JUST FINE!   Is it wrong of me to just be mad mad mad at this family of mine?   Because somewhere in this weight gain journey I began to realize EXACTLY how off base they all were.   But. BUT. NOW....I look in the mirror...and I still see my skinny self. I look at pictures and I cannot be deceived in those cases. So I don't take pictures - and if they are taken for some horrendous reason - I DO NOT LOOK AT THEM. Who wants to see a puffed out hideous puff ball when in the minds eye, there is still a waist line? In the minds eye there are still muscular legs? In the minds eye there are still curves where curves are supposed to be.   I can still see who I used to be. Don't get me wrong - I'm not entirely delusional. I AM fat! I DO need to lose weight? I DO have fat sitting on top of muscles that used to show through easily. I DO have curves where curves should not exist. I just know NOW that once upon a time - I WAS ok.   I'm ok, you're ok, right? :smile2:   I don't want to forget that this thinking has evolved like this. I want to remember when I am at a healthy weight that HEALTHY is what looks best. I want to remember when I am at a healthy weight that I must follow my own heart. Forget my grandmother who worked in the fashion industry. Forget my uncle who thinks that women cannot be athletes and who considered muscle "pudge". Forget my dad who just didn't know better. Forget them all. It's what I think about myself that matters.
ldswims

ldswims

4
 

11/05/09: Sigh....part 1

So today was important. But not for reasons that I had anticipated.   I was told I needed letters of medical necessity from every physician that treats me. For me that means my PCP and my OB/GYN. I got the letter from my PCP last month. But the earliest I could get into see my OB/GYN was today. He agreed to give me the letter.   I had that appt right at 8 am and then headed into the medical center to my second weightloss appt and my nutrition consult.   So I had it backwards in my head about which appt came first. I thought the nutrition consult was second. So this person comes in and doesn't identify herself as "the nutritionist", just gives me her name and asks if I had any questions. So I asked her all my general questions about my insurance predicament.   Man. I didn't really KNOW what that predicament was. Cause it's a whole lotta different than I thought it was. There's a new one...and it's the real one...   She didn't know, told me I'd have to talk to my advocate who was not there today. Said call her Monday.   So we have some general conversation about my diet over the last month. I told her about my cleaning out of the pantry and my moves towards the "good stuff". I really am eating the good stuff with just little snippets of the bad stuff here and there - mostly on weekends. Most of what is in my pantry will be ok to restock in the future if I so desired. Still a few clean out things - but she wasn't into that whole "just throw it all out" notion. She was more into "be aware" - which I think I am and she claimed to think I was at the end of the appt, too. But in the last half hour with her I realized - she's the nutritionist and then in the last twenty minutes she got on her little soap box and the judging began.   Oh well. I do hate that - but I have never met a nutritionist that CAN'T judge...   Ok. So no real problems so far.   The Nurse Practitioner eventually wanders in after the nutrition consult was over and she listens to my heart and lungs and says good job and is ready to send me on my merry way.   Hold on...I think to myself.   Since I now know I was talking to the nutritionist I'm thinking some of my "vague" questions might be answerable by the RNP. And two of them were. Yay!   Somewhere along the line in the conversation with the nutritionist I think to myself - why can't I see one of the advocates that IS here. It doesn't have to be anything specific to my case, it doesn't mean anyone is looking up my specifics. I just had some general questions.   And the RNP suggested that I do that...talk to one of the advocates that WAS there.   So they go tell the advocate that was still there at the lunch hour that I have some questions and she comes and gets me after a bit.   And I tell her my story.   My company is changing my insurance options pretty drastically and I'll be left with a hefty deductible and a hefty OOP-Max (Out Of Pocket) or I'll be left with a ginormous deductible and a ginormous OOP-Max. The one with the ginormous options comes with a HSA, though - a health savings account. It's kinda like a health spending account but money left in the savings account at the end of the year will not be forfeited. And my employer will treat it like a 401K and will be putting money in that account for me as well as my own contributions. That account is (according to my employer) designed to pay for my healthcare after I retire. A third option is to switch to my husbands plans. He is currently on mine but we can walk away from mine and he would go back to his and I'd start up on his. If we did that, we could get a plan that is fairly comparable to my current plan - and the surgery would be paid for. Premiums are a bit higher than my two options - but they are actually $16 less than what we are currently paying. My insurance provider is Cigna. My husband's through his employer is Aetna.         I know I have the Cigna requirements for eligibility that I was given last month covered. A BMI over 40
a nutrition consult
a pysch eval
a 6 month supervised weightloss program
letters of medical necessity from all treating physicians.
On the other hand, Aetna's requirements for my husbands optional plans are: A BMI over 40
a nutrition consult
a pysch eval
a 3 month supervised weightloss program
letters of medical necessity from my PCP
and a 2 year history of obesity
So my question going in was is obesity a BMI over 40? Or is over 35 sufficient since I am NOW over 40?   Yep, gotta have a minimum of 40 for all two years or more.   I have no comorbidities. I don't want any. My dad died from type II diabetes and heart disease and my mom died from colon cancer. I have PLENTY of risks already - I don't need to add the weight, dagnabit!!!!   I love that word!   And then this advocate lady says - Aetna is the same as what you need for Cigna, so I'd recommend switching.         No. I have this form RIGHT here that THIS office gave me that says my requirements are: A BMI over 40
a nutrition consult
a pysch eval
a 6 month supervised weightloss program
letters of medical necessity from all treating physicians
And she says, no, for your group on Cigna you need: A BMI over 40
a nutrition consult
a pysch eval
a 6 month supervised weightloss program
letters of medical necessity from my PCP
and a 2 year history of obesity
And follows that with - what piece of paper do you have? So I pull it out of my handy dandy little folder and hand it to her.   And she reads the top line. And she says - you shouldn't have this form, this isn't YOUR group.   So I'm not eligible.   Now.   After doing the pysch consult. The nutrition consult. After redoing the stress test and my cardiologist I never saw in the first place signing off on it. After having my PCP and my OB/GYN agree to it. After ALL of that - and 4-8 missed hours of work EACH week since I started down this path - I find out I AM NOT ELIGIBLE :ohmy::mad::frown::crying::smile2::scared2::wub::mad:   So she starts digging further. How did I get given this misinformation? Turns out THIS lady IS my advocate. Who knows why the other lady's name is written all over my chart - the one I am talking to is the one that has handled everything for my case so far.   And now it makes sense.   See. The problem is that I have not even been at this weight for a year let alone two.   And my advocate breaks it down like this. If I do Aetna, I will be done with the weightloss program in early Jan. They submit my package, I get my approval, surgery in Feb. OK. Since they submit the package in Jan, Aetna will want two years which means going back to Jan of 2008.   Jan 2008 = 132 pounds. For me that's a BMI of 37.4   Jan 2009 = 138 pounds. For me that's a BMI of 38.4.   It was in March/April of this year that my weight went crazy putting me over the BMI of 40.   I gain weight when I get OFF of birth control. I have gotten off of birth control four times and four times I have had the same reaction - 30-40 pounds before my hormones are back to normal and then I can hold steady from there.   It is generally fairly easy for me to maintain a weight. It is literally when I play with my hormones that I get in trouble. With that said, sometimes my hormones play with themselves - and I know as I get older they will do that even more. And those times are just as damaging for my weight control.   So that part that "makes sense".   In October I went into my surgeon's office. And the RNP there told me that I would qualify if I proved two comorbidities along with my BMI of 40.   And to prove those comorbidities I would need to go to this other clinic in the medical center where I would also do my six month supervised weight loss program.   I have high cholesterol. She told me that would be one comorbidity and probably doing a sleep study would prove the second one. So I should be good.   But I get to this other clinic a few days later and they say - no, you don't need any comorbidities.   So this advocate - still scared to call her mine cause am I gonna end up with someone else later? - says well then lets get a sleep study.   Are you drowsy in the afternoon? No. Do you wake up with headaches? No. Do you snore? My husband says No.   Hmmm...then I won't qualify as needing a sleep study.   And then she says - get this - well, you could do some things to prove type 2 diabetes?   Excuse me?   Excuse me?   Excuse me?   Excuse me?   The disease that KILLED my dad - you want me to "play around with that"? Really?   My blood pressure is absurdly LOW. Got any tricks for screwing that up?   My heart has been deamed healthy by none other than a cardiologist.   So she goes and gets the RNP eventually.   Apparently you can be determined as qualified for a sleep study if 1) your neck is too big, 2) your waist is too big, and 3) if you say you are sleepy during the day.   1) my neck is huge. :tt2: I call it a football neck.   It works on my body, I have a very strong neck and if we have boys when my husband and I have kids - they will have a good build for being football players. I like my neck. I will be happy when it loses weight, but I don't have an issue with my "huge" neck.   2) my waist is large. I'm fat. That was easy.   3) sure - I can say I'm sleepy. I sit at a computer all day long and around mid afternoon I get bored. And when I get bored, I get sleepy.
ldswims

ldswims

2
 

10/13/09: This is scary...

Am I lieing to myself?   I have generally always considered my weight struggle a hormone problem. I don't eat perfectly but I don't think I eat worse than the people I'm surrounded by who are thin and not struggling. We go out to dinner - they clean their plates - and they order feasts - and I nibble on salads. I cook for them once a week and they don't gain weight off of my food - but I do. I watch them eat desert night after night after night while I don't eat desert all that often. Not because I am holding myself back - but because I generally don't like sweet things. I HATE chocolate. I HATE ice cream. I dislike cake unless it's a very specific kind of cake with a very specific kind of frosting. I only like about three pies known to man. And in most cases, I don't bake them nor do I order them when we eat out. My one weakness for desert is creme brulee but I rarely end up in restaurants that offer it so would say I eat the stuff about three or four times a year. I don't generally eat bread except for with sandwiches. I don't go crazy with grazing throughout the day, in fact I eat three meals and one afternoon snack. Breakfast is a fruit smoothie with nonfat plain yogurt. Lunch is a turkey sandwich on wheat bread with a smidge of mayo. And dinner varies - during the week it's generally leftovers and on weekends is when I cook. It can range from pot roast to roasted chicken to sushi at our favorite sushi bar to Vietnamese grilled beef vermicelli to grilled fish...   So am I lieing to myself? Is food my problem? Am I food addict and I don't know it?   I'm not perfect. I don't pretend to be. I DO eat out probably too much. But I also think I order wise things, for the most part. I'm not big on fried food - although on occasion some fried chicken IS good.   Am I lieing to myself? Have the six nutritionists I've seen over the years been wrong when they said "your food is not your problem?"   I've had TSH tests run on me multiple times just to find out I have HYPER-thyroidism. THAT does not make sense so no one treats it. I have had my metabolism measured a few times just to find out I have a fast metabolism.   And yet the weight packs on.   So am I lieing to myself?   I swim, walk, lift weights three or four times a week. Swimming in the summer, walking otherwise. I garden - that burns calories when you are out there pulling out all those weeds with all the built up frustration you don't know you have. I am like a ping-pong ball when my husband and I TRY to sit down and watch a movie. I'm up every fifteen minutes to do this or that. My dog used to get so mad at me...he'd get all curled up and cozy and then ping, I'm off again. He thinks he has to follow me everywhere but by the time he was about three years old or so, he said 'forget it, do whatcha gotta do and I'll be here when you get back'. He has now found solace in the fact that my husband gets irritated by this, too. Just curls up with my husband if need be and they sit idly by watching me ping and pong about.   So am I lieing to myself?   Am I setting myself up for failure here?   If I'm not lieing to myself - will this work for me? Can it help me?   It almost seems like if I am lieing to myself, then yay. I can fix that!
ldswims

ldswims

2
 

11/03/09

Just checking in.   Friday I visited a cardiologist I was sent to earlier this year. I suddenly started getting heart palpitations and my PCP wanted to rule out anything "wrong". I would be sitting on the couch watching tv with Hubby and my heart would go from its resting rate of 65 up to 140. It was ANNOYING. Nothing was ever wrong. But in an effort to try and provide comorbidities last month I mentioned this at my first appt. It wasn't a comboridity they were interested in - but now I needed to get the cardiologist to approve me for surgery. I went in almost two weeks ago to explain my case and he had me come back last Friday for a stress test.   I was given the stamp of approval. I was actually told that I "have the heart of a very fit person". I like hearing stuff like that! (since I think I'm fit and all...)   Yesterday I went in for my follow-up with the Ph.D. Psychologist. I'd been in there two weeks earlier to do the testing for my psych consult. I could have been back sooner but I was scared to schedule appts last week as I had jury duty.   I live in Galveston county. In Galveston county they get their jury pool and put everyone on call. We can be sent out to any of the district courts or we can be sent out to any of the justices of the peace. I never did get selected but I had to call in every night at 6PM and find out what I may or may not be doing the next day. I took a gamble with scheduling an appt for Friday but it worked out.   Anywho - so the follow-up with the Psychologist was pushed back until this week.   And he proclaimed me "normal" yesterday.   Did anyone else worry about that?   I don't think I'm in danger of any bad diagnosis there, but it worried me nonetheless. Do "abnormal" people pursue this above and beyond ordinary?   Thursday I go in for weigh in number two. And I have zillions of questions that have formed over the last month.   I'm hoping they can help me with some information that will help my husband and I decide which route to take with the insurance. We are hesitant to be switching back and forth between his and mine. We know that what my employer is offering is better long term - it just isn't helpful with this procedure. It seems like the sooner we make the switch the better off we are. But do we wait one year? Do we bite the bullet? I had been thinking along the lines of my deductible is going to be outrageous based on the self-pay price. However, my insurance provider has negotiated prices on about everything they will pay out on - and since they will pay out on this - that self-pay price is not my price. So that might change what I would pay as a deductible to reasonable. And if that's the case, we are better of switching.   So it's back to information research mode as we try to find the balance between what's best for next year AND the long term.   Does anyone else know anything about Aetna's requirements? When I read their document there is talk of a six month program AND a three month program. I am wondering which of those programs is most like the one I am currently doing. Right now, for Cigna, I am doing six months of once a month check-in's. I am trying to do a lower calorie diet and for me, I'm trying to start mimmicking what I will have to do post-band (although there is still some cleanout of the pantry going on, so it's not there yet). I am also doing an exercise program. I keep track of this on paper and turn this in each month. So, did anyone do the Aetna requirements? And if so, how does this compare?   I am looking forward to Thursday's appt. I hope to get some answers. And I'm even down a few pounds. Not many, just a few. I want to see if I can even get some clarification on this - can I lose weight and be ok? Or do I need to try to stay steady? As of last week I was down 7. And over the weekend I did a few things to gain some of it back, on purpose. So now I'm down 3. But I'd rather be down 7. :smile:   If I weren't trying to stay steady, I'd actually be down more.   One question about switching to Aetna is about my BMI, too. Does my BMI have to be 40 when Aetna starts covering me? Or is it quite simply from the beginning of this process? Since my BMI is so close to the edge, it's making me wonder....I started with Cigna with a higher BMI and am following their requirements. But if I switch to Aetna midway - does my BMI have to be above 40 from the day Aetna gets me?   No sodas in over a week and a half. No sugar or cream in my coffee. When I want a snack in the middle of the afternoon I eat broccoli and cucumbers. Protein is something I am eating more of - and carbs less of.   Sad story, though. I live in this awesome neighborhood where we are all friends and we are always watching out for each other. We use any excuse to get together and typically raid each other's pantrys to come up with the best Saturday evening meals. As is the case in any situation where friendships are easy, there are also cliques. Our cliques are not exclusive and we all mingle well. But we also have the clique where they are our closer friends. The cliques have names. My clique became known as the "first wives club". We have our "first wives club" dinner every Tuesday. It's a lot of fun and a nice time to be away from the Hubby.   One of us will cook the main entree, one the veggies and starch and one the desert. Here is where the sadness comes in. There are five of us in this group. And they LOVE starch. So much so there is usually, in any given week, bread, potatoes AND pasta. EEKS! :ohmy:   I make ONE starch at home with any given meal. ONE! That's MORE than enough!   But THREE? AND desert?   EEEEEEKS! :ohmy:   Starch is my weakness. Baked potatoes - I can walk away from. Country fried potatoes - I can walk away from. But mashed? GIMME! :drool: Roasted? GIMME! :drool: Pasta? I hate spaghetti. But something with alfredo? GIMME! :drool: I don't care for penne and pasta salads are hit or miss. But anything smothered with cheese? GIMME! :drool: And bread. Uggg. Bread! Sourdough? GIMME! :drool: About the only bread I don't like is potato rolls or loafs or whatever.   I feel like it's getting to the point that I need to withdraw from the dinners for self-preservation. Cause the other "first wives" don't have to care. They don't have to worry. They should - but they don't have to.   Anyway.   That's my sadness. I love them, love being with them, and love our Tuesday's. But I don't think I can beat these temptations YET. Maybe some day. But the sodas and the coffee and some of the other little things I have done this month are already quite a lot. I know I can get to the point where I don't even serve myself those things :tt2: but I'm just not there yet. And so long as I don't serve 'em, I won't care that it's in the bowl on the counter. But for now - I CARE.
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10/19/09: It's a Monday...

I am a Geophysicist. That means absolutely nothing except for that I most closely resemble a project manager who gets to test their project in addition to manage their project. I generally enjoy my job. It's fun, to me, to keep track of where everything is. And it's also fun, to me, to test the parameters that give the best result. My "product" is a cross section of the planet. And it's especially fun, to me, to see cross sections of the Earth that are so far down in the ocean that "man" will probably never see it "for real". By 'cross section' I mean image. And by 'so far down' I mean 60,000 (yes, sixty thousand) FEET into the earth - at a water depth of 5000 feet or more. Sometimes the water depth is only 500 feet. Sometimes it's 8000 feet. But suffice it to say, it's a water depth deeper than we can dive to outside of a manned submersible. And manned submersibles are not cheap - nor will they get you INTO the Earth.   Anywho, that's a little bit about what I do.   I'm in the middle of a project right now that is fun stuff to me. And last Friday my project went from the testing stage to the production stage. Not a problem - production can run over the weekend and we should be in a good place on Monday morning.   Before I submitted production, I checked how much disk space I would require for my data. A mere 22.4 TERRA bytes. That's all.   This is a small-ish dataset.   Terra bytes. Funny to be calling something small that is in the realm of multiple terra bytes.   I have a profound respect for how far computers have come in the last twenty years...my job without disk space is impossible - and people used to do it.   I had 44.5 TERRA bytes available. So with what I had available and what I needed - I was golden.   I checked Friday morning. I submitted Friday afternoon.   I came in on Saturday to check the status of my production. All was fine.   I came in this morning and my disk space was gone.   The bad thing about disk space disappearing like this and me not knowing it because I checked a few hours before I submitted is that it shuts other people down, too. My jobs cannot finish because they cannot write out the datasets. And no one else's can, either.   So when people realized they were dead in the water, well, it turned into a bad morning pretty quickly.   And I was all excited about today. I have my psych consult testing stuff this afternoon. I don't know why a psych consult would have me excited but it feels like forward progress and I LIKE that!   The interesting thing to me is that days like this make me LESS likely to eat. Even more interesting - so long as the day turns out positive (which so far it seems to be), I LIKE days like this. Status quo day in and day out is BORING!   And to make it even funnier - because I did something "wrong", I get to file a report on myself. And that report turns into a bonus. ODD!   So yay for Mondays! (?)
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10/29/09: Can I?

Can I eat sushi (on occasion)?   Can I drink black coffee (Monday-Friday)?   Can I eat rice with my favorite Japanese rice topping (on occasion)?   Can I drink a soda (on occasion)? I suspect soda will soon stop tasting good to me and so don't think I'll really miss this, but I'm just wondering...   Can I eat a small sandwich of wheat bread and turkey for lunch (on occasion)?   How long will I have to not lift weights following surgery?   Can I lose this weight?   For good?
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10/12/09: And so it goes...

Thursday night last week I went to the seminar. I don't know that it would have ever been required of me but I'm so glad I went. My husband went with me. And we both learned a lot. A lot almost seems like an understatement. And what's weird, was I already knew a lot - but it makes a difference hearing it from the surgeon. It makes a difference being able to ask questions of someone QUALIFIED to answer the questions.   My husband learned a lot, too. And my husband and I both learned that he is on the border of being eligible for this himself.   He thinks he can lose the weight on his own - by following the "diet" I am doing and continuing with his exercise program that he likes. I think there is potential for his yo-yo'ing to continue, though. I also think if we were doing this together, at the same time, on the same page - that would make it "easier". If we both had to do the liquid diet at the same time, for example, t'would be "easier" than if I do it and then six months later, he does it. If we both do the six month supervised weight loss together, t'would be easier, than if I do it and then he starts his program.   He is like me - I KNOW he can lose the weight. But he's gained it back before, like me, multiple times.   There is no easy answer for this, that's for sure.   I surely can't push or cajol or try to convince him. He needs to decide on this for himself and no matter what he decides, I am and will always be by his side - just like he is for me. And no matter what, I know he is just as in this as I am.   We had a long conversation this morning and some last night about cleaning out our pantry, about changing our approach to grocery shopping, about setting a menu on a Sunday, for example, doing our grocery shopping accordingly, and what we will no longer buy. Before I met my husband I was not an impulse buyer. I was also not in the shape I am currently, either. :wub: After I met my husband, I was able (as we wifes do) to retrain some habits - mostly not buying the little debbie crap and things like that. But he retrained me, too (as husbands do) and I now keep chips on hand, whereas the single me would not have. I now keep a second freezer full of meat and a second refrigerator full of sodas. We now both completey agree with each other that we quite simply CANNOT DO THAT!   I grew up eating well, cooking well, exercising frequently (some might say too much), and generally active even when not exercising. From the age of four through high school I was on a swim team and I was good. I still am. I had to be on two sports teams all the time and the second thing bounced around from soccer to basketball to volleyball. Around junior high I switched to drill team and chearleading as my second thing. Around high school I was just doing swimming and drill and in my spare time I was in the choir and drum line.   My mom ALWAYS steamed our vegetables - they were not soaked in broth and bacon fat or cheese or anything else. My mom always baked our fish and chicken - it was never fried and very rarely was it poached. We ate very small servings of carbs, if at all. We did not keep sodas in the house - we drank sugar free cool aid. I didn't eat my first dorito until I was 8 years old - and while it was good, I didn't care about them.   And then I went in the Navy. Who in the world goes in the military to see their activity level DECREASE? Their food quality go bad? Their portions go up?   The Navy is aware, though, that they have a problem. They were aware then and they were trying to fix it. But suffice it to say, in the Navy - I gained weight. In the Navy, in BOOT CAMP of all places, I lost a LOT of muscle tone which was my first step in the wrong direction.   Anywho.   I know how to do this. That's the story there. I have spent more of my life living healthy than not. However, add in some hormone complications of my late 20's and here I am...unable to lose it AND keep it off. And sadly, it, in the last year or so, has gotten to the point where I think, apparently, that if I'm going to look like this, I might as well eat what I want. And that's the part that's changing NOW!   So Friday, I went to my first "weight loss appointment". I met the Nurse Practitioner in the new place - the practitioner that will be following me for my six months of supervised weight loss and exercise. I like her. Friendly. Non-judgemental. And straight forward.   And she said - you already know what to do. So do it. And I'll see you in a month.   She didn't sit there and preach to me about the importance of portion control. About the importance of balanced meals. About the importance of not drinking sodas. About the importance of exercise. She said "YOU ALREADY KNOW".   And she's right. We ALL do.   I read on here somewhere last week "If you want to know how to lose weight - ask a fat person" and that is so true. We KNOW how to lose it. We can't keep it OFF!   I told a "friend" that Saturday night - a skinny girl who eats FIVE, yes FIVE pieces of PIE in one night and doesn't gain an inch and yet is always trying to lose weight - and she scoffed at me like :confused:. So I asked her - knowing she is ALWAYS wanting to lose weight - do YOUR "diets" work? No. See. Mine DO. I just can't KEEP it off. And hopefully this is the tool to help me be able to.   Her answer. "Whatever". She seems to think that human beings cannot live on restricted calories. Since she can't (and doesn't need to) therefore no one should/could.   Anyway...   Friday was good. I was happy to be getting everything OFFICIALLY started. I go back on Nov 5 for the next check in. Now time seems to have slowed down.   In the meantime - I should be able to pick up the letter of medical necessity from my PCP this week. Since my OB/GYN is someone with ongoing care, I should get a letter from him, too. I see him later this month. I need to also see a cardiologist since I have had issues with heart palpitations in the past. I see him later this month, as well. Finally, I've started trying to get into do my psych consult as well - although that's not been easy. I got a list of In-Network Providers from my insurance company and when I attempted to call SIX different practices on Friday, they were ALL closed for the day! Seriously. Not ONE mental health practitioner in my area works on Friday? Really? Whatever. My goal is to be able to turn in as much as possible when I go back on Nov 5th.   This weekend was strangely emotional to me, though. Friday I was excited, happy, and certain. Saturday morning as I was waking up I was vaguely depressed. I just kept thinking in the back of my pea brain - no more bread EVER? But by the time I was fully awake I was back to my normal opinion - whatever. I am not a bread-aholic...   Saturday night, had friends over for dinner - and skinny minny stood there in my family room judging me. I've had issues with her judgements already and am now of the opinion that she is just not ever going to understand.   Sunday I had the vaguely depressed notions coming up again as I realized - no 'this', no 'that'. How to juggle this and that. Can I really not just do this on my own? That skinny minny got to me.   Finally got to talk to my hubbie last night and he thinks that I CAN do this on my own - but thinks that this might also be a fail safe that would be worth it in the long run. He thinks that I should nevermind that skinny minny and chalk this up to experience. He thinks that no matter what, I should do this six month thing and then make a better informed decision then.   So I woke up this morning thinking - we need to change how we grocery shop. We need to change our pantry. We need to change our refrigerators. And I need to go back to what my mom taught me, what I was raised with, what I know. And my hubbie is along for the ride. He's such a great man!
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11/13/09: Oh so many thoughts

1) It's a Friday. It's the 13th. Friday-the-13th's tend to lucky days for me. I have won three contests in my life - and they've all been on Friday-the-13th's. 2) FIVE more months? REALLY? Ok. Four months and three weeks. But I want to start NOW - not play games...but here I am. I guess four months and three weeks IS better than five months IS better than six months.... 3) How to eat post-band. How will it be different than now. I struggle to get my protein now, although becoming aware of this battle has helped. In the past two days I have been getting enough. I have approached Atkins in the past as eat whatever I want - protein like. But you can't sustain that for very long without causing other problems for your body, I believe. But what if I'm incredibly selective about the proteins I select? Instead of bacon, I pick salmon. Instead of cheese cubes, I eat broccoli dipped in hummus. Can my body sustain THOSE choices longer? I wonder. When I get banded, I am supposed to follow a high protein diet. Eat protein and then if you still can eat, then eat the veggies and then if you still can eat, then eat the carbs. Well. Out of seven days, I am supposed to avoid the carbs for six. On the seventh day, I can eat those carbs. It's my "cheat" day. If I pick a Sunday, though, to be my cheat day, then my cheat day should always fall on a Sunday. So hey, everyone, get your birthdays scheduled accordingly! Sorry, just a little blithe sarcasm, there. Anywho, say it takes me a year to lose my weight. For a whole year - I have not really eaten "normally". When I get into maintenance mode, then the band would presumably be loosened a smidge. Which should mean my caloric intake might be sufficient for actually getting to eat the carbs. Wouldn't that cause my body to say "here we go again, better start hoarding?" Now, Band_Groupie pointed out to me this morning that with restriction, by default, you essentially are doing an Atkins diet. You just quite simply can't eat enough food to get ALL the necessary protein AND ingest the carbs. Fair point. But as my weight decreases my necessary intake of protein will, too. This has me wondering and I will do more research. In esseance all of this came from - you guessed it - Band_Groupie's blog! It really got me to thinking when she was blogging about not wanting to diet. She’s been there done that – and this is a lifestyle change. I agree with that whole-heartedly. And that got me to thinking – so how is doing the Atkins AGAIN, even though with a band this time, not a diet? But. But But But But But. I can see why people would get into smoothies and shakes because although they are sliders – they also would be a way that you might actually be able to ingest the daily recommended protein and carbs (and all that other stuff that goes with them). I, like BG, do not want to be a smoothie/shake chick, either. With one exception. As is, right now, unbanded – and it’s been this way for years – I do drink smoothies in the morning. I will not stop that post-band. Lots of thoughts in this one little thought. Lots of research to do, too! Next… 4) I’m such a whiner. I don’t generally consider myself a whiner – but it sure is coming across that way when I reread my blog. I am sorry for that. With the insurance situation under check, I should be getting back to my non-whiny self. Sorry for the detour… 5) I am so glad I am done with all the Dr. appt’s. I have an appt with my cardiologist this afternoon. He had me do a stress test a couple weeks ago and stated I was cleared for surgery. Today is the formality of getting the written clearance that I can turn in. With this appt done, I literally only have the weigh in appt’s left. Two of those down – four to go… 6) Four appt’s to go sounds better than five months to go. I think I’ll switch to that song and dance…33% done. 7) I want to remember what it feels like to be bloated but thin. It’s bad enough that I have to be bloated on a monthly basis, but to be bloated and fat – well…that’s just downright uncomfortable!!!! I don’t remember ever feeling this uncomfortability (like my word?) before my heavy days. And even with the heavy days – it’s still pretty recent that it’s become so dagged uncomfortable. Now there’s a strange milestone for myself… 8) Maybe my cramps will get better, too! (TMI?) 9) Does anyone else see anything wrong with failing the unweightloss program on purpose? Does our insurance industry not get what they are causing here? Added expense, wasted time, a whole plethora of negatives by creating this game. My very own insurance company cites study after study in their very own weightloss surgery policy document. One such study states that a sample group of about ~300 patients was put together. ~50 of those patients were forced to do what I have termed the “unweightloss” program. ~250 were just given the surgery. (All cases used the Lap-Band.) The ~50 who were on the “unweightloss” program did it for real and were losing weight. Of those ~50 people, ~60% decided to not do the surgery. A year later all ~300 people were examined. The ~250 people who had the band surgery had ALL lost a minimum of ~50% of the weight they wanted to shed. Of the people who were on the weightloss program that did have the surgery, they had ALL lost weight, although not as much as those that just went straight to surgery since at the recheck they’d only been banded for six months vs. a year. But the people who thought the diet was going well and opted out of the surgery – they had ALL regained ALL of their weight back plus more, in most cases. So here we have it. Cigna has a document citing what their policies are. In this document they backup those policies with study after study after study. And in this particular study it shows that the unweightloss program hinders weightloss! There are quite a few other studies cited in that document that show similar results. Quite a few show that the efficacy of the lap-band is substantially greater long term than any other weight loss surgery option. And yet there they are, playing games. Oh well. On with life. Only four more appts to go! I think I’ve blogged enough today. So with that, I bid you adieu. I will be back this weekend with additional thoughts I may or may not have.
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10/27/09: And the journey continues...

So I'm just about one month in to my six month weight loss program. HA!   HA HA HA!   I'm still not sure where this is all going to go. My employer is changing my insurance options so drastically that this might get taken off the table. My husband's employer is releasing next years options sometime this week or next and so we will see what that offers. If we switch to his insurance - it might actually make this "quicker" meaning only that I'd only have to do a three month program instead of a six month program. His employer, though, may very well be switching to something drastic like my own employer is. And the common sentiment is that this is all "designed" to force us into a public option.   Yay. Thanks.   Politics aside, yes, something DOES need to happen with our insurance companies. Politics aside, I WAS happy with my insurance policy - and yes, I was lucky to have coverage!   Anywho...   The next week or so will tell a lot.   But there is also a chance that my husband and I will go with one of the two crappy options I'm being given and this will STILL work out, too. There's a chance.   But with only chances to be embracing - it's hard to stay "motivated".   And by "motivated" I mean - to keep going to all the goll-derned appointments I have all over the place. Last week I had two. This week, I have one. Next week I have three. The following week I have one...that I know of so far. I think my supervisor is getting tired of this! I certainly am!   And as I sit here, at my desk, begging (internally) for work - but why SHOULD they give it to me? - I wonder WHY I'm going to all these appointments if there's only a sliver of a chance? Because even if the insurance works out - doesn't mean they will ACCEPT me.   On the other hand, if the insurance WILL work out - better to get these appointments taken care of while I still have the coverage I do. Less out of pocket and all that.   So, like I said, hard to stay "motivated".   Now, I'm parenthesizing that because I AM motivated to lose weight. I don't know that I am "motivated" to pursue this procedure anymore, though.   I am STILL not drinking soda. I did have one on Saturday after a long day volunteering at a children's Halloween nature festival thingy. Had a blast doing it but man oh man my feet were killing me after all was said and done. So drank a soda. It DID taste good - but I DID NOT want another one. YAY! That's huge progress. Prior to Saturday - hadn't had one since Monday and I couldn't even drink that one because it DID NOT taste good. YAY! That's progress. One soda in a week? I'd call that good!   When I got on the scale on Sunday I was DOWN four pounds. YAY!   When I got on the scale today I was UP four pounds. BOO!   Such is life. Such is the journey I have been on for years. Haven't changed a thing and yet....   Interestingly, with not drinking sodas anymore - as that's the single-handed biggest change I've made so far - my FACE looks better. It's not puffy. And I hadn't even realized THAT was what the problem was. It's interesting to see my jaw coming back out. My cheeks. Still more work to be done, but it's progress.   I LIKE PROGRESS.   Maybe tomorrow I will wake up and have magically lost those four pounds again.   Maybe.   But the general gist of my almost entire month of "supervised" weight loss is that...I STILL weigh the same as I did the day I checked in for the first time.   I guess I can say "at least I'm not gaining...."   And so the journey continues....
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10/08/09: Who's in control - me or them?

Me.   And it should be me.   This is MY life.   This is MY future.   This is MY well-being.   No one else's.   I was told yesterday to, in my own words, sit patiently by the phone and wait for THEM to call me.   I'm not patient.   Can't do it.   Won't lie and say I can.   So I searched and dawdled and explored and cajoled and got myself a phone number out of thin air.   And I called it.   And I said - I can't wait. :thumbup:   Ok, not really, I was a WHOLE LOTTA nicer than that. But that was the general jist of it.   And they made me an appt. Not for two weeks from now. Not for two weeks from two weeks from now. Nope. For TOMORROW. Friday. 10/9. At 10:30.   And here's what I know about this. My six months starts TOMORROW.   At the end of the conversation with the lady who really didn't care that I had called even though I was told not to, I asked - is this going to cause a problem? She said no, it's a good thing actually. I then asked if they'd have my paperwork on time? She said she didn't know but if they didn't they'd call the other office and get it.   Oh. Ok.   That was so NOT difficult!   I went to a friends house for dinner last night with my husband. She is recently retired and was an office manager for a asthma and allergy clinic. That clinic is a lot like this place I'm being sent to. They had offices all over Houston. So this place I'm being sent to - it seems to me they have satellite offices in all the corners of Houston and once they know you're a candidate they send you to the main office for all the workup stuff. And then when it's time for surgery, you go back to your satellite location, if you want to. And fills may or may not be done there. And support may or may not be done there. Her office was similar. It was a bunch of satellites. She said here's what happens.   The Nurse Practitioner has to get her notes done. Because she's a Nurse Practitioner, she has to get the surgeon to sign off on them. Once he does that, then the paperwork can be sent into this main office. Once it's in the main office, they will call me and schedule the appt. They generally say two weeks so that if anything goes wrong, they are covered, but it doesn't generally take that long.   She said, though - that in scenarios where offices or clinics are set up like this - they love love love people like me. Instead of sitting in a quagmire of paperwork, I'm saying "this is what I want, this is when I want it, this is how I want it" and they are happy to comply because now they aren't waiting, either, AND they know I'm serious about moving forward.   Enlightening.   So - as is generally the case - although not always, there are always exceptions - it's a good thing to be in control of my own life and my own outcome and my own future. :biggrin:   So I'm excited, eager and ready for tomorrow!
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11/16/09: Eeks!!

Whoever would have thunk it - but having all the doctor's appts last month made the first month of my "unweightloss" program fly by. However...with all the doctor's appts now out of the way...now what can I look forward to?   The only thing remaining besides the few weigh-ins I have left is to do some blood work. They told me that they would give me the lab slip for that at my next weigh in so that I can do the blood work in January.   Eeeks. Sooooooo slowwwwwww. Those appts had me feeling like I was making progress all the time. Now I feel like I can easily get derailed from all of this. When you have something to work towards, that helps. This is odd, though - I feel as though I have nothing to work towards anymore...   Sigh...I guess I'll just keep waiting. :biggrin:
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10/06/09: YAY! Hope is on the horizon!!!

What feels to me like the biggest hurdle has been jumped! And it's fine! I came down on the other side on both feet!   I had my appt with my PCP today. I need from her a letter of medical necessity. And I wasn't sure how my visit with her would go - whether she would make me defend and justify this, whether she would be adamantly against it, whether she would emphatically support it...I just wasn't sure at all! And she said she would absolutely give me that because while she's only known me for a year, she's seen enough to know that I'm not lieing when I say "I TRY!" And it comes off. And it comes back.   She said we would do some testing to prove a comorbidity that she thinks I may have. She said we will jump through those insurance hoops and give them NO REASON to deny this!   She also said three or four years ago she would have been hesitant, would have said, 'do it yourself' but she's seen those people she told that lose the weight and then gain it back plus some. It's something about a BMI over 40 that makes your body NOT WANT TO LET GO! And she's seen lap-band® after lap-band® do wonders for people.   She said my choice in surgeon is fantastic. Can't beat him in my area and she would have suggested him had I not found him myself. She recommended doing the supervised exercise and diet program with them because she likes their nutritionist and the staff in that office are all fantastic.   She gave me copies of everything I need for the consult tomorrow - which should help some of this role along faster.   I did some blood work because I had questionable liver function earlier this year and she wants to see if we can prove it's fatty liver. If the blood work warrants it, I already have the order in hand for a abdominal ultrasound.   She said even if we can't prove that comorbidity, it's enough that my parents are ALREADY deceased - were deceased by 55 (mother) and 61 (father) - for things that are comorbidities. I already have tons of odds against me, I don't need this weight stacking my odds even further!   To me, getting her approval was potentially my biggest stumbling block. Had she said no, I would have gotten myself a new PCP and kept trying. But I like her and I didn't want that hassle which would also potentially become a demotivator.   And I KNOW I'm fat enough. She laughed at that. Was impressed at how much research I've done, what I knew, and how I've been taking care of myself in this endeavor. Wasn't asking for the answers, was asking for endorsement - and from what she said, the people willing to do this from start to finish like this, on their own - if you will, are the successful ones. The people on this website, I'd venture!   Can't be done on your own - don't get me wrong. But I'm not being spoon fed my information. This wasn't suggested to me, I explored the thought. That's what I'm talking about...   Anywho...   She said she has seen it before where people are like me, on the fence with the BMI with no comorbidities. And she's seen - and even supported - minor weight gain to get them to the "acceptable level of fatness". I find that sad. But it's the game we have to play, apparently. Comorbidities help, but I've enjoyed my food this weekend to ensure my weight today and tomorrow would not be an issue.   And hopefully tomorrow can start the six month supervision. And hopefully I can be looking at the March/April time frame.   And if not, I'll take it as it comes.   My biggest stumbling block has been passed. I just feel like now I can say "Ok, hope is on the horizon!"   YAY!
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11/08/09: I had an interesting break through yesterday...

Weekends are always the hardest time for me to continue watching what I eat, I think. During football season the downfall is beer and bar food. During the rest of the year the downfall is beer and bar food, but on a lesser scale.   When you are sitting in front of the fantabulous tv we spent a fortune on last year you want to eat chicken wings and french fries. And you reason to yourself - how often does football season come along? Come on, enjoy...   Ok...so not really. I'm exagerating. I generally can't sit still long enough to watch a game with my husband and I'm generally bouncing into the kitchen to make some something or another for the guys that accumulate in front of the amazingly fantabulous tv that cost a fortune.   But I had a breakthrough nonetheless.   Saturday mornings I can usually claim that tv for myself while the hubby snoozes away the morning. And I will watch one or two of the shows that I have dvr'ed over the week while I can.   So yesterday, I sat down to watch one of those shows, all nuzzled up in a cozy throw with my doggie curled up in my arms. I was happy as a clam and snug as a bug in a rug. It's things like that that make me proclaim "I love the fall!"   Towards the end of watching that show, an hour long but when you count in the fast forwarding through commercials, it turns into 40 minutes, I started to think to myself I've got the munchies.   And then I asked myself the best question I've ever come up with for anything in life.   "Why?"   And I couldn't answer it. There was no answer. I was not hungry. I'd had a great breakfast and it was holding me over. It was nowhere near time for lunch. And when I realized all of that - I was fine.   I went on with my morning. When the show was finished I moved myself to my computer to take care of the bills and such. As I was sitting here thinking about things, I realized I had the munchies again. By this time, I had eaten lunch and I had a fantastic glass of water sitting beside me.   I interrupt this program to say "I have not had a soda in over two weeks now!"   Back to the program at hand. So I ask myself again - that most awesome-ist of questions...   "Why?"   And I got the same result.   I couldn't answer it. There was no answer. I was not hungry. I'd had a great lunch and it was holding me over. It was nowhere near time for dinner. And when I realized all of that - I was fine.   From there the day progressed. Through watching football and the rest of the afternoon, I never did have a munchie moment again.   I ate a dinner that was fantastic and quite satisfying.   And then the day was over.   I always munch on Saturday's and Sunday's!   Today was not so successful. I made home made snickerdoodles last weekend. We freeze our cookies and pull out what we want when we want them. But when you have to thaw a cookie it makes you question whether you really want it - if you even remember they are there. So I had two cookies today.   I did not eat a satisfying breakfast or lunch today and that equated to "needing" something this afternoon. But when I realized that, I did go for a more protein rich snack.   So...interesting...   Ironically, I generally give myself credit for being someone that doesn't eat unless I'm hungry. My mom said that about me, actually. But in this journey to being overweight, I am discovering, I rewrote my definition of hunger.   I'd call that a break through.   Can I get back to my once upon a time mentality?
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10/20/09: A hurdle?

So I checked the mail yesterday. And there was something from my employer. I don't know why but they always send a monthly newsletter to both my email and my house. I get to it when I get to it. So I threw the mail on my desk and headed off to make dinner.   After dinner, I went back and opened the large envelope to remove the newsletter so I could flip through it - and probably throw it away. But it wasn't the newsletter. It was a brochure informing my husband and I of what our health insurance options will be next year. It was a brochure discussing the merits of the two plans we will be able to choose from.   We currently have three plans and I have a plan that requires a copay and no deductible. My current plan will no longer be offered next year. My current plan will pay for the Lap-Band® procedure and requires a six month supervised weightloss program and a psych consult. I am two weeks into that six months.   The plans being offered next year will also require a six month supervised weightloss program and a psych consult. The plans being offered next year will also require a hefty deductible.   HEFTY.   As I sit here and think about it - that deductible is over half the cost of being self-pay.   So hmmm. My husband and I get to thinking. Can't speed up the calendar. Can't convince them "it's just not fair". So what to do?   My husband and I are both on my employer's plan.   So maybe we switch to HIS employer's plan. My open enrollment is the month of Nov and his is the month of Dec.   His insurance only requires THREE months of a supervised weightloss program.   So we shall see. We have more questions than answers right now, that's for sure - but because of financial reasons, this may get better, this may get worse, or this may get shelved.   I sure didn't see that coming...
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10/05/09: I'm absolutely useless at work!

I am so eager for these dr appt's/consults/seminars! Who in the world is ever EAGER to see a DR? This is NUTS!   Tomorrow I go see my Dr. I hope she feels like I do - that this is a good thing in my case. I know she wants me to lose weight. I'm scared, though, that she's going to say 'do it yourself'. I will be doing it myself - but this tool will HELP give me feedback. I hope I don't come across as using this as a crutch - 'cause I certainly won't be and I certainly am not thinking that way. Seems to me, though, that no matter what I THINK I've said, people hear or read what they want to anyway. So while I say "this isn't a crutch, it's a tool, this isn't a crutch, it's a feedback mechanism", people will hear - "I need a crutch". I don't need a crutch. I need a lasting solution!   Suffice it to say, tomorrow scares me.   Wednesday, on the other hand, is oddly exciting. It's the consult. I know I'm fat. I know my BMI is too high. I know my insurance covers it and I know they want me to do six months of supervised dieting and exercise. I will be eager to get that started and am eager to meet the folks at the surgeons office and to feel like this is starting to go somewhere.   And Thursday night my husband and I will attend a seminar. I figure at this point, with my research and my exploration and the fact that I'll have already been in for the consult, that it might be a lot of repetition. But repetition is good! And my husband and I hearing things together will undoubtedly lead to new questions and even clarification in some cases.   I don't know why I'm so scared of tomorrow. Because even if she's not supportive, how hard is it to get a new doctor? One can generally find the answer they want if they look hard enough. And she's generally been supportive or helpful of me and my issues in the past. I just don't want hassle. I don't want demotivators. I don't want frustration. I know there will be some all over the place along this journey - that's what LIFE is and I've certainly encountered it before and come out stronger for it. Everything happens for a reason and all that....   Anyway, as I sit here at my desk trying to look at my data, I just can't stop thinking about tomorrow and the rest of this week!
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11/05/09: Really? Seriously?

I just wrote up a ridiculously long ridiculously detailed blournal entry about the grr of the day I've had....   And then....   Just before I finished writing it up, I looked at my husband and said what about that other company your employer offers coverage through. So while I finished writing that ridiculously long ridiculously detailed blournal entry he started looking through that website for info. And about the time I finished my ridiculously long ridiculously detailed blournal entry and all that typing, he gave up on the website and called.   Yeah, they couldn't help. He needs the group number first. And he said he can't think of anyone in his department that uses that coverage vs. the Aetna coverage.   BUT.   BUT..   This made me think to myself.   Since my clinic seems to be confused - why don't I call MYSELF and see what the official answer is from the source?   So I called Cigna.   And after that ridiculously long ridiculously detailed blournal entry....I DO NOT, I repeat, I DO NOT need two years history.   So the first answer was correct.   And the lady on the phone pointed me to the actual coverage document in pdf format so I could download it and TAKE IT WITH ME TO THE NEXT dagged appointment.   Furthermore. THAT DOCUMENT...DECLARES - I must FAIL this six month weight loss program.   Literally says the word FAILURE.   Which is ALSO contradicting what they told me today. They told me today - lose all the weight you want. It's fine.   The TRUTH is, apparently...fail this program. "Learn" the correct ways of eating and get the bad ways out of your system - but ultimately, from what I read in the official policy it says that this program IS NOT supposed to be successful.   I read this somewhere else. Don't gain. Lose very little. But stay steady. That's the goal. Just maintain....   Sigh.   Games. Hate em! :mad: :frown: :smile2: :ohmy: :wub:
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11/06/09: Can I have a do-over?

I feel cheated by yesterday's appointments.   The appointment with the nutritionist went just fine and even as I'd expected. I do wish that I'd remembered that appt was first because I would not have "hassled" her with my questions on insurance.   But the appointment with the nurse practitioner...I'm not sure it was meaningful. I ended up missing work because everything involved with the insurance and then determining if I would even be qualified to do the sleep study kept me there far too late. I got there at 9:45 and didn't leave until well after 2 - and how is that anything I should have expected based on a weigh in?   She listened to my heart and lungs and deemed me healthy. Yeah. Not concerned! I find it funny that - from the mouth of my mom, years ago, a Nurse Practitioner - doctors, PA's and nurse practitioners listen to your heart and lungs because "the patient expects them to".   I hate it when they do that and there isn't any reason for me to be there other than - you called me in to give me bloodwork results. Bloodwork results say I'm fine. So why would you listen to my heart and lungs? They were fine three days ago...   That RNP didn't really offer any suggestions. She didn't really converse with me about how this past month went. She didn't converse with me about what a goal might be for the next month. So what was the point?   To keep me from work? To keep me from the place that is giving me the money to pay for this unnecessary visit? Do health practitioners even get that?   And then. To talk to that "advocate", and I use the term very losely, and get so much misinformation.   Why'd I go there?   If it's on me to determine my eligibility - why don't I just do this myself?   Yeah, stupid question. I know there is so much more that happens.   If it's on me to examine my diet and determine what to focus on next, why don't I just do this myself?   Wait. I am.   And according to my obesity surgery rider - I am expected to fail this program.   :cool:   That is just hard hard hard to stomach.   Ok. So I'm going to spend the next five months relearning how to eat. But if it really is about what I eat - no preservatives, no artificial crap, no no no...then won't that cause me to lose weight?   As I have read through here I have now developed a fear of losing weight. Why? Because yes, I can lose it. But as has been my history for the last ten years, I won't keep it off. And I have too much risk for too many bad things and I don't want to gain it all back yet again. So I want to make this happen and I expect to be successful. Because I want to keep it off for good. This band isn't about losing the weight. This band is about keeping the weight off. And I will do that with lifestyle changes - doing what I inherently know and simultaneously turning over new leafs. But how do you take this seriously when the goal of this "supervised weightloss program" is to "fail"?   How does that start my adaptation if I have to consistently go behind myself and un-do my weightloss? :huh2:   On another note, I am seriously looking forward to Thanksgiving. I think my favorite holiday is Thanksgiving and it's because of the years that I had with the most wonderful Mom that ever lived - my very own. She was not a super cook through out the year. She cooked a great meal every night of the week - or we had leftovers - but she was time conscious and with both my step-dad and my dad (at different times) being unwilling to try some things, she was not necessarily adventurous with her cooking. But Thanksgiving. OH, Thanksgiving. :thumbup:   We'd have my family to our house. I grew up in a very large house but was an only child. My grandmother, mother of seven, lived in a very small house. So they came to us. My mom would go all out. We lived in California and had a beautiful patio that would accomodate enough tables and chairs for 60 people to have a sitdown meal.   We would have a smoked turkey and a roasted turkey. We would have all the fixings. But the best thing to me was the stuffing. I love the stuffing because I loved loved loved making it with my Mom. We'd set the bread out to stale the night before. And we'd get up at 6am to break it into pieces and saute it with butter, onions, celery and our secret seasonings. It was so amazingly simple - and to me, it can't be beat. Add whatever you want - the turkey is the best way to get flavor in the stuffing.   We'd get the birds stuffed and into the ovens. And then we would prep as much of the rest as we could.   My aunts would start arriving between 10-11 and they would join us. My mom never pushed or cajoled anyone to do anything. If YOU wanted to make the waldorf salad - fine, make it. If someone else wanted to make whatever, fine, make it. If you were tired of cooking/baking/clearning - then go watch or play football, depending on the time of the day.   I loved every single Thanksgiving I had with my mom. They were and always will be priceless.   And I hope to pass this on to my children. Whenever they join us.   In the meantime, I've ended up with a very fantastic MIL. She and I are good friends and my one gripe about her is that she moved to Wisconsin. Nothing against WI at all - it's just too far away from Texas. She, unlike me, grew up with a mother who absolutely would NOT share the kitchen. The downfall of not sharing the kitchen is that my MIL did not get to learn a great many of wonderful things in the kitchen that her own mother knows.   Prior to last year, my MIL would never have even tried a Thanksgiving feast. She felt inadequate, which is truly sad because she is a great cook. Last year, my husband and I hosted Thanksgiving. Her self-proclaimed goal was "to watch [me] and to do as [she] was told". And she did. And she did well with the dishes she did. And she was surprised that oven-roasted turkeys are better than bagged (i.e. steamed) turkeys. This year, we are hosting Thanksgiving again. And she has declared she will do more. She wants to help with the stuffing instead of observing.   Back to the stuffing, my mom and I would get up and get everything chopped. And we'd both stand at the stove with two skillets running each. It is amazing how much stuffing fits in a bird.   A Lap-Band® side note- maybe this is the wrong attitude but I don't and will never feel guilty about eating the stuffing. It is the first thing to go even though we always make two additional pans of the stuff. There are never leftovers of the stuffing. One serving a year is not my downfall!   My MIL - wants to be the other person at the stove this year. I love that.   I especially love that I have MIL that thinks she can learn from me. That is the greatest compliment I think you can give someone - learn their ways.:smile2::thanks:   I can't wait until Thanksgiving. Not to mention, we have the whole week off and that will just be a very pleasant break!   And furthermore it means we get to see the MIL and the S-DIL. They are in WI right now "winterizing" their house and they come HOME that week! Hubby and I are both looking forward to their arrival!   I love this time of year!
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11/11/09: Two great things...and one frustrating computer

I wrote up a really nice blog. I was happy with it. It was great, IMO. I was ready to post and I was reviewing it for the typos that always get through in spite of knowing better. And then it happened. My gosh-darned IE FROZE. Dead as a doornail. Couldn't do a gall-derned thing. And there it went.   LOVE the computer...   So I am going to try and replicate the great news in a great blog as best as I can. But you know how it is - the second version - from scratch - is never as good as the first.   Great thing number one - my husband and I got some news last night that totally has me relaxed about my "insurance issues". I now KNOW that I won't be the reason this doesn't happen. My ducks are in a row and things are good.   I felt like I was getting signs that were telling me to question this whole thing. And now I feel like I've got the sign that says go forth and be successful. Furthermore, go forth and be successful and shoot for the April banding!   So I feel better.   Great thing number two. And here is where I can't do this rewritten blog justice. I will certainly try too hard to capture what I had there - and that will mean that I've tried too hard and the message will be lost.   Love the computer.   ^&*$($^(&%&&^*()^%&$^&*$^*:confused:   So here's my re-effort...   A bit of background.   I've been working my way through another blog on here - a blog by band_groupie. It is an amazing blog that is very well written, very amusing, very personal, very real! She does a lot of research for quite a lot of her blogs and she is quite able to articulate what I believe many struggle with even identifying. Her blog has been an eye-opener for me. It's also pointed out places where I am doing well, IMO. I totally recommend, at the very least, checking it out. I know there are other fantastic bloggers on here and I expect to find them and wander through their journey, too. To be honest, I appreciate band_groupie's opinion, perspective and insight - I think her approach to the band is successful because of those three things and I think I can always learn how to form better opinions, have a more positive perspective and insight is always great - the more insights I can read/hear about the better able I will be to form better opinions and maintain a positive perspective.   With that said (and I'm telling you, this rewrite is totally NOT doing justice to the original blog lost somewhere in cyberspace), band_groupie (and I know many others, because she got this from somewhere, herself) talks about www.fitday.com in a few of her blogs.   And here's great thing number two. So I wandered off to www.fitday.com to see for myself. And I decided to play with it while I'm on this "unweightloss" journey. I so totally was not expecting what I have now learned.   I have been tracking what I'm eating each day on that website for about a week now. I learned last week while visiting the nutritionist that for my current weight I should be consuming about 90 grams of protein per day.   On my best day in this past week or so that I've been tracking this, I consumed 63 grams. I am nowhere near where I should be.   And oh nelly, that actually makes things start to make sense! I have been proclaiming left and right that my calorie intake is already pretty low. And it is. My highest day was a little over 1300 calories - and that was a "binge" day for me.   But of those calories, the majority are coming from carbs and fat. I never would have expected that. NEVER!!! So now I have something to work with and play around with.   Of course, this being my "unweightloss" period, I can only do so much. But this is the perfect time for me to be adjusting to this - not later, I think.   Ugh, I wish I had my original blog back - because there were other things I pointed out and now for the life of me, I can't even remember what they were, so I can't even try to rewrite them.   Let me just say again, band_groupie's blog is quite educational, it's fun to read and it's a great place to really learn what this process is really like. She does a great job of articulating each new discovery on her path. This process is necessarily life changing - but if you never get into the introspective phase of self-examination, I predict struggles. By reading that blog, I think I am exposing new questions which I must ask myself. And the sooner I ask - the better!   Every person's jouney will be different. Each body is unique and each's body's reaction to this process is different. Furthermore, each mindset is unique and that mindset is just as important, if not moreso, in determining success. The questions are quite important - even though the responses will all be different.   So two things here. Check out www.fitday.com and band_groupie's blog.   What a difference a day makes!
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11/10/09: Do you want some cheese with that?

I hate insurance. I got slapped with another insurance problem yesterday but it is what it is and therefore that's it. For history's documentation, I'll just say our deductibles are determined by our "eligible compensation". 2008's eligible compensation will be used for 2010's deductible and OOP-Max determination. And since I work in the oil and gas industry and 2008 was a boom year for exploration - my "eligible compensation" was 40% more than it was this year, 2009. So next year I have the highest deductible possible, the highest OOP-Max possible - while making 40% less (at min) than anyone else that will be in that category.   No, it's not the insurance company's fault on that one, that's my good ol' employer. And I understand the theory that my salary should always be rising. Doggoneit though I wish it were! I HATE THIS! We've had to make some very drastic cuts this year because of losing >40% of our income - and now to be slapped with this...just no pleasantness about it!   Sigh.   On with the world, though....   It is what it is.   I just feel the need to gripe and whine today. I can't believe what a GRRR process this is and then to aggravate it with these insurance issues...and then time is ticking so so very slowly.   Will this even be a possibility? I do not know. That remains to be seen. Given a 40% salary reduction that we are still struggling with and max possible deductions and OOP-Max's, well...this may be a stretch. And that just bites. But it will be next year before I know the answer to that.   Which means to continue with this gall-derned "unweightloss" program.   This program is so laughable to me. My unassurance company requires you to "fail".   Why bother with the expense then?   I think my problem is that I want to know how this all turns out! I've said before I don't deal well with uncertainty and it's still true.   I've satisfied just about all the requirements my unassurance company has.   Psych consult = done Nutritionist visit = done Letters of medical necessity from all following physicians = done Clearance from Cardiologist for a non-existent issue = done   All I have left is a physical and letter of medical necessity by and from the surgeon and bloodwork (TSH test), as well as to fail the six month ridiculous "unweightloss" program.   So why do all this if 1) turns out I can't afford it or 2) turns out my unassurance company will deny it or 3) who knows what kind of poppycock excuse they'll come up with.   I want to feel like there is hope to work toward. And I do not. I want to feel like it is worthwhile and useful for me to continue with the "unweightloss" program. And I do not. I want to feel like I am moving forward. And I do not. I want to feel like five more months and I am officially onto a new life. And I definitely do not!   Sigh.   Is this unassurance quagmire a sign?   Should I be on my husband's coverage aferall? That requires a 2 year history which I don't have...but it is better coverage.   Will my husband get a new and better paying job negating all this worry I have about the financial issues?   Do I pursue a new job myself?   I hate that the business world has developed into a place where loyalty is no longer desired or even rewarded. I want to be loyal to a company. But I can't give them what they can't give me! I started with this company feeling as though - 'wow, they really want to take care of me'. Now that feeling is - 'wow, they really do not care about me!' I'd be fine if the pendulum swung to the middle - but it is now absolutely about the bottom line. Interestingly enough, moral is quite low. There will be repercussions for this, but when and how drastic are yet to be seen.   I started today with the notion that I would be begging for time to speed up a smidge. If that would happen I could at least get closer to having some answers. But it's not so much about that as a true whine-fest. Not my normal modus operandi, I believe, but it is something that does happen with me periodically.   And so now maybe I can get on with it. This is out of my system - although that isn't really true. This will fester with me for quite awhile.   I feel like this whole year has been about being slapped down. And while my husband and I both are fortunate, thus far, in being able to keep our jobs, we are certainly, as are most everyone else, enduring a year we did not quite foresee. Will this - CAN THIS - turn around?   I have to chuckle - I think my aggravation with the unassurance slaps is really because of all the fear and worry I am really feeling about everything else. I can generally roll with the punches pretty well - but sometimes the punches I react to are not really what I'm upset about.
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10/30/09: Yay!

My husband and I finally received the information on his insurance options for next year today. His options are staying the same - which means we can switch to his plan and still have something deductible and out-of-pocket-max free. Add to that it will save us $8 a payperiod of my own plan that's going away.   So we will be switching to Aetna. From things I read around here, seems Aetna is good about this. But I don't know what my specific case will be.   Right now I am on Cigna.   Cigna required a six month supervised weight loss program which I am one month into.   Cigna required a pysch consult which I have done the testing for. I go back on Monday to get the results. Yes, I'm nuts. Not sure why anyone has to pay for that info. :smile:   Cigna required letters of medical necessity from any practictioners with ongoing care. In my case that's my PCP and my OB/GYN. I got one from my PCP. I see my OB/GYN next Thurs but don't expect an issue here as he has mentioned this in the past.   The good news about Aetna is all of my doc's - the pcp, the ob/gyn, even the surgeon, are still in-network. So there will be no change of care.   Cigna required a nutritionist consult. I will have that on Thurs when I go in for my weigh in.   When I go in for that weigh in, I'll see what they might be able to say about this switch. Seems that some with Aetna only have to do three months of supervised weightloss. So maybe this is happening sooner?   But in perusing Aetna's website, I found a document that says I have to have documented severe obesity issues for two years or more. I have not been over a BMI of 40 for a year, let alone two. I've been at 40 (and counting) since the start of this year. Last year I hovered around 37-38. Got off BC at the beginning of the year and that threw everything out of whack. Problem is that while I have history of a BMI over 35, I do not have any comorbidities....   I feel so much better about the insurance. There may have to be a delay in getting the insurance requirements sorted out after that insurance plan goes into effect (Jan 1 2010) but in the meantime I can keep plugging away on all this other stuff. I do know that I will still have to have the psych consult and a nutritionist consult. I do know there is a supervised weightloss time period - may be 6 months may be 3. But I can keep all this going.   And the motivation is back. I no longer feel like there's a potential hurdle to overcome.   YAY!:crying::thumbup::thumbup:
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10/15/09: A pound in 6 days

I got on the scale this morning because I'm a scale-aholic. I like the feedback. I don't generally expect to see a loss but I want to know when there is a gain.   So this week, I've cut my breakfast lunch and dinner down by half. I am supposed to be trying for 1200 calories a day. This week I also went three days without a single soda. I have been drinking water, iced tea and coffee. Iced tea unsweetened. Coffee sweetened with about a third of a teaspoon in an oversized cup. I really could cut that sugar out and it's next on my list. But one thing at a time is my approach.   So funny story - last night - I about ripped my husband's head off because he wouldn't tell me which door he was picking me up at. I have three doors I can exit and I just wanted to know which one to exit. He wanted me to tell him where I'd exit and he'd go there. I wanted HIM to make the decision. Is it really that hard? I WAS STARVING and I was not thinking let alone thinking clearly and who the frick cares? Normally, I don't. But 1200 calories a day is HARD!   I knew it wouldn't last. And this isn't that self-fulfilling prophecy kind of thing. It just isn't feasible. Especially since I am trying to do this WHILE cleaning out the pantry. So I'm not necessarily eating protein intense foods or the right kinds of things to make this work out. For now, I am just eating what I want to get out of the pantry - and never buy again, at least not for a daily lunch. Things like potato chips that just do not satisfy hunger.   I would not talk to my husband for about thirty minutes over this REALLY stupid thing. And when I DID talk, my voice was cracking like I was thoroughly exhausted - which I wasn't, although I certainly didn't have my normal energy.   And when I realized JUST how hungry I WAS - I said FEED ME. And he said ok. And we went out for sushi.   And before we ate - I apologized and said I was wrong and he, being the sweet sweet man that he is, said, it's ok.   Sushi is good!   And then I was not hungry.   Nor was I for the rest of the evening.   However, this morning, I woke up famished.   And I got on the scale and I'm down. Now THAT is significant because this is the time of the month where I gain five pounds overnight, keep that weight for about five days, then drop it all just as suddenly. I should have gained that five pounds last night, in fact.   I decided I need to go about this much more wisely.   The potato chips will get gone. I have about half a bag left and they will get added to lunches until they no longer exist and that will be the end of them. But where I was bringing a bag to eat with lunch and a bag for a mid-afternoon snack to get them gone faster, now I will bring one bag - for lunch - and a protein snack for the mid-afternoon lull. I am hoping this will tide me over until dinner better.   I do know that as the pantry gets worked through over the next few weeks/months, that the snacks and light meals will be replaced with more protein rich foods, for example, or veggies instead of chips. I have known that all along - but I just can't throw food that is edible. Even if it's not the best food for me, it's not something like I have it so I sit there and eat the whole bag of chips all at once.   And I also know that 1200 a calories a day just isn't likely. I'm striving for it. But I'm not going to walk around famished, either. My husband doesn't need to endure that - and I have a brain intense job that needs me to be able to think quickly and accurately. If I end up having to do rework because I was striving for a calorie count that is just not satisfying, well, it's just not worth losing my job over that.   On average, I take in about 1800 calories - and I think that's not too shabby. I think I'd rather shoot for 1500 and have enough energy in me to be able to work out! Cause that was the other downfall last night - I managed to fix myself - but I still didn't get enough energy in me to hit the lake for a brisk walk...   So one pound. If I continue to lose one pound a week over the span of this supervised weight loss thing - that would be about 24 pounds. 24 pounds would mean a BMI of about 38. But I'm sure I'll plateau before this time is up...   Have to chuckle, though. This is such an odd thing to be concerned about...
ldswims

ldswims

2
 

10/14/09: I like to blog!!!

I'm a nut. I'm weird. I LIKE to blog. I even like it when people read my blogs. I like it even more when people comment on my blogs.   Today's blog is all about what I have not had in two days.   A SODA!   I'm a Dr. Pepper junkie. I think that is truly my worst habit. And I know that where ever I go with this - I NEED TO GIVE IT UP!   It may or may not be the root of my problems - but it doesn't matter. Just the expense should be enough to be happy about giving it up!   When I went in for my first weight loss appointment last week I told the NP that I was going to start working on this, figuring, I've got six months to ween myself.   And over the weekend, I did actually drink less soda. And I thought to myself, well, if I can keep this up, by the time we work through all the twelve packs we have saved for moving into the refrigerator that holds nothing but soda, well, I should be able to make it last for six months.   I don't drink soda at work. Don't buy them out of the vending machines and don't bring one with me. Usually, I get home and grab one on the way into the house (that "soda refrigerator" is in the garage).   Monday - I didn't grab one. Nor did I ever go out there to get one.   Tuesday - I didn't grab one. Nor did I ever go out there to get one.   To me, this is like quitting smoking. I quit smoking cold turkey when I'd decided enough was enough. Just quit. And never really looked back. About two days into that, I realized I was fine. And I've never picked up another cigarette since then. I have been a non-smoker now for four years. Ironically, my lung capacity has decreased...but that's neither here nor there.   So. I'm thinking, if I'm two days without a soda now - and I'm fine with it - then maybe it's all good. Not craving one. Not missing one. Not anything about soda. I might just give them all away! Or not. Who knows.   But what I do know is this is awesome to me!   So far, about a week into my "supervised weight loss" - I've cut all my meals down to half. Half a breakfast. Half a lunch. Half a dinner. But not half the water...and now I'm working on three days of no soda...YAY!
ldswims

ldswims

7
 

10/07/09: Well then...

Went in for my appt today. Thought I was excited and thought I was so ready to go and couldn't wait to get started.   And I have to wait...   Turns out, if I'd already done my six months supervised thing then I could just move on and go on with the process. But since I still need to do that - they need me to go somewhere else.   I can still have the same surgeon.   But the location just became a pain in the something. Whereas I thought I'd be going to an office about 10 miles from home, now I get to fight traffic to get to the medical center which is not even remotely near my normal beaten path - and my normal beaten path encompasses a lot of Houston.   I can still do the surgery at the same hospital which is close to home. But I will most likely have to do the fills there at that place I did not want to go to. This Dr. is trying to get a program up and running with all of the extras - the fills, the nutritionist, the mental health professional, you know, all of the above - at the hospital where his office is. So there might be a chance that by the time I can have the surgery they might be able to do fills there.   This Dr. just moved into this office that I visited today. Boxes of medical records are still sitting everywhere. 'Just moved in' means - a month and two days ago. I asked because I found it odd that the pictures are not on the walls, just propped against the walls, found it odd that the records are not filed in a nice looking file cabinet syste, found it odd that entire counters are blank. You'd think they'd want to get settled...   On the good side, the Nurse Practictioner I saw told me about this surgeon's philosophy and I like it. So between what I've heard from my friend the nurse anesthetist and my own primary care, I am feeling comfortable with the surgeon and these groups.   And this office is affiliated with the one they referred me to. That same Nurse Practictioner told me that office has a group of office staff that absolutely KNOW how to get these things approved and having them on my side will be good.   She told me I DO need to prove a comorbidity even though my insurance company is claiming I only need one if the BMI is 35-39. Since my BMI is over 40, shouldn't need one, but I will follow their lead on that! She told me this office has everything in place to do everything basically. And a number of their people who are on staff for the various aspects of this have had the procedure done themselves. She said there's a great support structure that comes with this office, whereas the office I visited cannot make the same claim.   So now the part that I really don't like. I have to wait for them to call me to even get the appt to get things going. And it can be up to two weeks before they call. I don't care if my appt is next month, I'll just feel better when I know I have an APPT!   Please call, please call, please call!!!
ldswims

ldswims

1
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