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About this blog

This blog is for me and anyone who wants to read it. I can be quite long-winded at times, so be ware. :wink2: This blog will chronicle my experience from start to finish, which means it will never end so long as I am alive. :rolleyes2:

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11/05/09: Sigh....part 1

So today was important. But not for reasons that I had anticipated.   I was told I needed letters of medical necessity from every physician that treats me. For me that means my PCP and my OB/GYN. I got the letter from my PCP last month. But the earliest I could get into see my OB/GYN was today. He agreed to give me the letter.   I had that appt right at 8 am and then headed into the medical center to my second weightloss appt and my nutrition consult.   So I had it backwards in my head about which appt came first. I thought the nutrition consult was second. So this person comes in and doesn't identify herself as "the nutritionist", just gives me her name and asks if I had any questions. So I asked her all my general questions about my insurance predicament.   Man. I didn't really KNOW what that predicament was. Cause it's a whole lotta different than I thought it was. There's a new one...and it's the real one...   She didn't know, told me I'd have to talk to my advocate who was not there today. Said call her Monday.   So we have some general conversation about my diet over the last month. I told her about my cleaning out of the pantry and my moves towards the "good stuff". I really am eating the good stuff with just little snippets of the bad stuff here and there - mostly on weekends. Most of what is in my pantry will be ok to restock in the future if I so desired. Still a few clean out things - but she wasn't into that whole "just throw it all out" notion. She was more into "be aware" - which I think I am and she claimed to think I was at the end of the appt, too. But in the last half hour with her I realized - she's the nutritionist and then in the last twenty minutes she got on her little soap box and the judging began.   Oh well. I do hate that - but I have never met a nutritionist that CAN'T judge...   Ok. So no real problems so far.   The Nurse Practitioner eventually wanders in after the nutrition consult was over and she listens to my heart and lungs and says good job and is ready to send me on my merry way.   Hold on...I think to myself.   Since I now know I was talking to the nutritionist I'm thinking some of my "vague" questions might be answerable by the RNP. And two of them were. Yay!   Somewhere along the line in the conversation with the nutritionist I think to myself - why can't I see one of the advocates that IS here. It doesn't have to be anything specific to my case, it doesn't mean anyone is looking up my specifics. I just had some general questions.   And the RNP suggested that I do that...talk to one of the advocates that WAS there.   So they go tell the advocate that was still there at the lunch hour that I have some questions and she comes and gets me after a bit.   And I tell her my story.   My company is changing my insurance options pretty drastically and I'll be left with a hefty deductible and a hefty OOP-Max (Out Of Pocket) or I'll be left with a ginormous deductible and a ginormous OOP-Max. The one with the ginormous options comes with a HSA, though - a health savings account. It's kinda like a health spending account but money left in the savings account at the end of the year will not be forfeited. And my employer will treat it like a 401K and will be putting money in that account for me as well as my own contributions. That account is (according to my employer) designed to pay for my healthcare after I retire. A third option is to switch to my husbands plans. He is currently on mine but we can walk away from mine and he would go back to his and I'd start up on his. If we did that, we could get a plan that is fairly comparable to my current plan - and the surgery would be paid for. Premiums are a bit higher than my two options - but they are actually $16 less than what we are currently paying. My insurance provider is Cigna. My husband's through his employer is Aetna.         I know I have the Cigna requirements for eligibility that I was given last month covered. A BMI over 40
a nutrition consult
a pysch eval
a 6 month supervised weightloss program
letters of medical necessity from all treating physicians.
On the other hand, Aetna's requirements for my husbands optional plans are: A BMI over 40
a nutrition consult
a pysch eval
a 3 month supervised weightloss program
letters of medical necessity from my PCP
and a 2 year history of obesity
So my question going in was is obesity a BMI over 40? Or is over 35 sufficient since I am NOW over 40?   Yep, gotta have a minimum of 40 for all two years or more.   I have no comorbidities. I don't want any. My dad died from type II diabetes and heart disease and my mom died from colon cancer. I have PLENTY of risks already - I don't need to add the weight, dagnabit!!!!   I love that word!   And then this advocate lady says - Aetna is the same as what you need for Cigna, so I'd recommend switching.         No. I have this form RIGHT here that THIS office gave me that says my requirements are: A BMI over 40
a nutrition consult
a pysch eval
a 6 month supervised weightloss program
letters of medical necessity from all treating physicians
And she says, no, for your group on Cigna you need: A BMI over 40
a nutrition consult
a pysch eval
a 6 month supervised weightloss program
letters of medical necessity from my PCP
and a 2 year history of obesity
And follows that with - what piece of paper do you have? So I pull it out of my handy dandy little folder and hand it to her.   And she reads the top line. And she says - you shouldn't have this form, this isn't YOUR group.   So I'm not eligible.   Now.   After doing the pysch consult. The nutrition consult. After redoing the stress test and my cardiologist I never saw in the first place signing off on it. After having my PCP and my OB/GYN agree to it. After ALL of that - and 4-8 missed hours of work EACH week since I started down this path - I find out I AM NOT ELIGIBLE :ohmy::mad::frown::crying::smile2::scared2::wub::mad:   So she starts digging further. How did I get given this misinformation? Turns out THIS lady IS my advocate. Who knows why the other lady's name is written all over my chart - the one I am talking to is the one that has handled everything for my case so far.   And now it makes sense.   See. The problem is that I have not even been at this weight for a year let alone two.   And my advocate breaks it down like this. If I do Aetna, I will be done with the weightloss program in early Jan. They submit my package, I get my approval, surgery in Feb. OK. Since they submit the package in Jan, Aetna will want two years which means going back to Jan of 2008.   Jan 2008 = 132 pounds. For me that's a BMI of 37.4   Jan 2009 = 138 pounds. For me that's a BMI of 38.4.   It was in March/April of this year that my weight went crazy putting me over the BMI of 40.   I gain weight when I get OFF of birth control. I have gotten off of birth control four times and four times I have had the same reaction - 30-40 pounds before my hormones are back to normal and then I can hold steady from there.   It is generally fairly easy for me to maintain a weight. It is literally when I play with my hormones that I get in trouble. With that said, sometimes my hormones play with themselves - and I know as I get older they will do that even more. And those times are just as damaging for my weight control.   So that part that "makes sense".   In October I went into my surgeon's office. And the RNP there told me that I would qualify if I proved two comorbidities along with my BMI of 40.   And to prove those comorbidities I would need to go to this other clinic in the medical center where I would also do my six month supervised weight loss program.   I have high cholesterol. She told me that would be one comorbidity and probably doing a sleep study would prove the second one. So I should be good.   But I get to this other clinic a few days later and they say - no, you don't need any comorbidities.   So this advocate - still scared to call her mine cause am I gonna end up with someone else later? - says well then lets get a sleep study.   Are you drowsy in the afternoon? No. Do you wake up with headaches? No. Do you snore? My husband says No.   Hmmm...then I won't qualify as needing a sleep study.   And then she says - get this - well, you could do some things to prove type 2 diabetes?   Excuse me?   Excuse me?   Excuse me?   Excuse me?   The disease that KILLED my dad - you want me to "play around with that"? Really?   My blood pressure is absurdly LOW. Got any tricks for screwing that up?   My heart has been deamed healthy by none other than a cardiologist.   So she goes and gets the RNP eventually.   Apparently you can be determined as qualified for a sleep study if 1) your neck is too big, 2) your waist is too big, and 3) if you say you are sleepy during the day.   1) my neck is huge. :tt2: I call it a football neck.   It works on my body, I have a very strong neck and if we have boys when my husband and I have kids - they will have a good build for being football players. I like my neck. I will be happy when it loses weight, but I don't have an issue with my "huge" neck.   2) my waist is large. I'm fat. That was easy.   3) sure - I can say I'm sleepy. I sit at a computer all day long and around mid afternoon I get bored. And when I get bored, I get sleepy.
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11/05/09: Really? Seriously?

I just wrote up a ridiculously long ridiculously detailed blournal entry about the grr of the day I've had....   And then....   Just before I finished writing it up, I looked at my husband and said what about that other company your employer offers coverage through. So while I finished writing that ridiculously long ridiculously detailed blournal entry he started looking through that website for info. And about the time I finished my ridiculously long ridiculously detailed blournal entry and all that typing, he gave up on the website and called.   Yeah, they couldn't help. He needs the group number first. And he said he can't think of anyone in his department that uses that coverage vs. the Aetna coverage.   BUT.   BUT..   This made me think to myself.   Since my clinic seems to be confused - why don't I call MYSELF and see what the official answer is from the source?   So I called Cigna.   And after that ridiculously long ridiculously detailed blournal entry....I DO NOT, I repeat, I DO NOT need two years history.   So the first answer was correct.   And the lady on the phone pointed me to the actual coverage document in pdf format so I could download it and TAKE IT WITH ME TO THE NEXT dagged appointment.   Furthermore. THAT DOCUMENT...DECLARES - I must FAIL this six month weight loss program.   Literally says the word FAILURE.   Which is ALSO contradicting what they told me today. They told me today - lose all the weight you want. It's fine.   The TRUTH is, apparently...fail this program. "Learn" the correct ways of eating and get the bad ways out of your system - but ultimately, from what I read in the official policy it says that this program IS NOT supposed to be successful.   I read this somewhere else. Don't gain. Lose very little. But stay steady. That's the goal. Just maintain....   Sigh.   Games. Hate em! :mad: :frown: :smile2: :ohmy: :wub:
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11/04/09: How is it that...

How is it that one can go from being skinny and seeing herself as fat to being fat and still see the skinny person inside?   When I was a teenager/20-something year old, I was thin and thought I was fat. It makes me sad to realize just how warped my view of myself was.   How could I not hear my friends when they called me "Barbie"? They even tried to explain to me, sincerely, why they called me that... How could I not hear the company commanders in boot camp when they called me "Miss America"? I always thought to myself - they are doing something like calling a huge man (tall AND wide) 'tiny'. I was the opposite of what they called me in my eye. How could I not understand and realize and see for myself what my mom always told me. When I walked around a mall - I'd leave men turning their heads. She always thought it was pretty neat walking around with me - because I didn't know I was even doing that.   All I REALLY heard was the rest of my family.   My uncle told me at the age of 15 I "was getting too pudgy". My aunt slapped him. Harm was done, nonetheless.   My dad called me "thunderthighs" because he "thought it was funny". Maybe it was a "joke" but harm was done, nonetheless.   My grandmother told me "I would never be able to attract a man if I continued to look like I did" (at 132 pounds which was technically underweight for my height.) Apparently she wanted me to be a waif - which I consider unhealthy.   I was smart enough to know then that waifs are unhealthy. I was not smart enough, if you will, to know that I was being pressured into "society's norms".   I was an athlete. I swam for miles. I was also in drill team. So when I wasn't swimming, I was marching for miles or dancing on football fields. Between the two activities, I had something going "all year long". And in my spare time I was in choir and drama. And in my "leftover" spare time, I was never sitting down.   I look back NOW and I KNOW I was healthy and fit and JUST FINE!   Is it wrong of me to just be mad mad mad at this family of mine?   Because somewhere in this weight gain journey I began to realize EXACTLY how off base they all were.   But. BUT. NOW....I look in the mirror...and I still see my skinny self. I look at pictures and I cannot be deceived in those cases. So I don't take pictures - and if they are taken for some horrendous reason - I DO NOT LOOK AT THEM. Who wants to see a puffed out hideous puff ball when in the minds eye, there is still a waist line? In the minds eye there are still muscular legs? In the minds eye there are still curves where curves are supposed to be.   I can still see who I used to be. Don't get me wrong - I'm not entirely delusional. I AM fat! I DO need to lose weight? I DO have fat sitting on top of muscles that used to show through easily. I DO have curves where curves should not exist. I just know NOW that once upon a time - I WAS ok.   I'm ok, you're ok, right? :smile2:   I don't want to forget that this thinking has evolved like this. I want to remember when I am at a healthy weight that HEALTHY is what looks best. I want to remember when I am at a healthy weight that I must follow my own heart. Forget my grandmother who worked in the fashion industry. Forget my uncle who thinks that women cannot be athletes and who considered muscle "pudge". Forget my dad who just didn't know better. Forget them all. It's what I think about myself that matters.
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11/03/09

Just checking in.   Friday I visited a cardiologist I was sent to earlier this year. I suddenly started getting heart palpitations and my PCP wanted to rule out anything "wrong". I would be sitting on the couch watching tv with Hubby and my heart would go from its resting rate of 65 up to 140. It was ANNOYING. Nothing was ever wrong. But in an effort to try and provide comorbidities last month I mentioned this at my first appt. It wasn't a comboridity they were interested in - but now I needed to get the cardiologist to approve me for surgery. I went in almost two weeks ago to explain my case and he had me come back last Friday for a stress test.   I was given the stamp of approval. I was actually told that I "have the heart of a very fit person". I like hearing stuff like that! (since I think I'm fit and all...)   Yesterday I went in for my follow-up with the Ph.D. Psychologist. I'd been in there two weeks earlier to do the testing for my psych consult. I could have been back sooner but I was scared to schedule appts last week as I had jury duty.   I live in Galveston county. In Galveston county they get their jury pool and put everyone on call. We can be sent out to any of the district courts or we can be sent out to any of the justices of the peace. I never did get selected but I had to call in every night at 6PM and find out what I may or may not be doing the next day. I took a gamble with scheduling an appt for Friday but it worked out.   Anywho - so the follow-up with the Psychologist was pushed back until this week.   And he proclaimed me "normal" yesterday.   Did anyone else worry about that?   I don't think I'm in danger of any bad diagnosis there, but it worried me nonetheless. Do "abnormal" people pursue this above and beyond ordinary?   Thursday I go in for weigh in number two. And I have zillions of questions that have formed over the last month.   I'm hoping they can help me with some information that will help my husband and I decide which route to take with the insurance. We are hesitant to be switching back and forth between his and mine. We know that what my employer is offering is better long term - it just isn't helpful with this procedure. It seems like the sooner we make the switch the better off we are. But do we wait one year? Do we bite the bullet? I had been thinking along the lines of my deductible is going to be outrageous based on the self-pay price. However, my insurance provider has negotiated prices on about everything they will pay out on - and since they will pay out on this - that self-pay price is not my price. So that might change what I would pay as a deductible to reasonable. And if that's the case, we are better of switching.   So it's back to information research mode as we try to find the balance between what's best for next year AND the long term.   Does anyone else know anything about Aetna's requirements? When I read their document there is talk of a six month program AND a three month program. I am wondering which of those programs is most like the one I am currently doing. Right now, for Cigna, I am doing six months of once a month check-in's. I am trying to do a lower calorie diet and for me, I'm trying to start mimmicking what I will have to do post-band (although there is still some cleanout of the pantry going on, so it's not there yet). I am also doing an exercise program. I keep track of this on paper and turn this in each month. So, did anyone do the Aetna requirements? And if so, how does this compare?   I am looking forward to Thursday's appt. I hope to get some answers. And I'm even down a few pounds. Not many, just a few. I want to see if I can even get some clarification on this - can I lose weight and be ok? Or do I need to try to stay steady? As of last week I was down 7. And over the weekend I did a few things to gain some of it back, on purpose. So now I'm down 3. But I'd rather be down 7. :smile:   If I weren't trying to stay steady, I'd actually be down more.   One question about switching to Aetna is about my BMI, too. Does my BMI have to be 40 when Aetna starts covering me? Or is it quite simply from the beginning of this process? Since my BMI is so close to the edge, it's making me wonder....I started with Cigna with a higher BMI and am following their requirements. But if I switch to Aetna midway - does my BMI have to be above 40 from the day Aetna gets me?   No sodas in over a week and a half. No sugar or cream in my coffee. When I want a snack in the middle of the afternoon I eat broccoli and cucumbers. Protein is something I am eating more of - and carbs less of.   Sad story, though. I live in this awesome neighborhood where we are all friends and we are always watching out for each other. We use any excuse to get together and typically raid each other's pantrys to come up with the best Saturday evening meals. As is the case in any situation where friendships are easy, there are also cliques. Our cliques are not exclusive and we all mingle well. But we also have the clique where they are our closer friends. The cliques have names. My clique became known as the "first wives club". We have our "first wives club" dinner every Tuesday. It's a lot of fun and a nice time to be away from the Hubby.   One of us will cook the main entree, one the veggies and starch and one the desert. Here is where the sadness comes in. There are five of us in this group. And they LOVE starch. So much so there is usually, in any given week, bread, potatoes AND pasta. EEKS! :ohmy:   I make ONE starch at home with any given meal. ONE! That's MORE than enough!   But THREE? AND desert?   EEEEEEKS! :ohmy:   Starch is my weakness. Baked potatoes - I can walk away from. Country fried potatoes - I can walk away from. But mashed? GIMME! :drool: Roasted? GIMME! :drool: Pasta? I hate spaghetti. But something with alfredo? GIMME! :drool: I don't care for penne and pasta salads are hit or miss. But anything smothered with cheese? GIMME! :drool: And bread. Uggg. Bread! Sourdough? GIMME! :drool: About the only bread I don't like is potato rolls or loafs or whatever.   I feel like it's getting to the point that I need to withdraw from the dinners for self-preservation. Cause the other "first wives" don't have to care. They don't have to worry. They should - but they don't have to.   Anyway.   That's my sadness. I love them, love being with them, and love our Tuesday's. But I don't think I can beat these temptations YET. Maybe some day. But the sodas and the coffee and some of the other little things I have done this month are already quite a lot. I know I can get to the point where I don't even serve myself those things :tt2: but I'm just not there yet. And so long as I don't serve 'em, I won't care that it's in the bowl on the counter. But for now - I CARE.
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10/30/09: Yay!

My husband and I finally received the information on his insurance options for next year today. His options are staying the same - which means we can switch to his plan and still have something deductible and out-of-pocket-max free. Add to that it will save us $8 a payperiod of my own plan that's going away.   So we will be switching to Aetna. From things I read around here, seems Aetna is good about this. But I don't know what my specific case will be.   Right now I am on Cigna.   Cigna required a six month supervised weight loss program which I am one month into.   Cigna required a pysch consult which I have done the testing for. I go back on Monday to get the results. Yes, I'm nuts. Not sure why anyone has to pay for that info. :smile:   Cigna required letters of medical necessity from any practictioners with ongoing care. In my case that's my PCP and my OB/GYN. I got one from my PCP. I see my OB/GYN next Thurs but don't expect an issue here as he has mentioned this in the past.   The good news about Aetna is all of my doc's - the pcp, the ob/gyn, even the surgeon, are still in-network. So there will be no change of care.   Cigna required a nutritionist consult. I will have that on Thurs when I go in for my weigh in.   When I go in for that weigh in, I'll see what they might be able to say about this switch. Seems that some with Aetna only have to do three months of supervised weightloss. So maybe this is happening sooner?   But in perusing Aetna's website, I found a document that says I have to have documented severe obesity issues for two years or more. I have not been over a BMI of 40 for a year, let alone two. I've been at 40 (and counting) since the start of this year. Last year I hovered around 37-38. Got off BC at the beginning of the year and that threw everything out of whack. Problem is that while I have history of a BMI over 35, I do not have any comorbidities....   I feel so much better about the insurance. There may have to be a delay in getting the insurance requirements sorted out after that insurance plan goes into effect (Jan 1 2010) but in the meantime I can keep plugging away on all this other stuff. I do know that I will still have to have the psych consult and a nutritionist consult. I do know there is a supervised weightloss time period - may be 6 months may be 3. But I can keep all this going.   And the motivation is back. I no longer feel like there's a potential hurdle to overcome.   YAY!:crying::thumbup::thumbup:
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10/29/09: Can I?

Can I eat sushi (on occasion)?   Can I drink black coffee (Monday-Friday)?   Can I eat rice with my favorite Japanese rice topping (on occasion)?   Can I drink a soda (on occasion)? I suspect soda will soon stop tasting good to me and so don't think I'll really miss this, but I'm just wondering...   Can I eat a small sandwich of wheat bread and turkey for lunch (on occasion)?   How long will I have to not lift weights following surgery?   Can I lose this weight?   For good?
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10/28/09

I have a job that is fun and interesting. But it can also include a lot of waiting on computers to get their act together. So I tend to blog and write emails and play games in those times...   This is one such time. And I have been doing this all day long and have read back through some of my blogs and want to update where things are TODAY.   Still not sure what's happening on the insurance front.   From yesterday's blog, I was UP four pounds - after being DOWN four pounds on Sunday. Today I am DOWN three.   The pantry is getting cleaned out slowly but surely. The potato chips are gone and I am glad for that. Still have tortilla chips in there but I am not so worried about them. You see...I LIKE tortilla chips and I do NOT like potato chips. Potato chips are NOT satisfying and yet you always want more. Tortilla chips, on the other hand, do satisfy an urge and they are filling and depending on what you buy, may not be so bad for you, either...   Once upon a time I wrote a blog asking if I was lieing to myself. And here's my answer.   Yes.   And No.   I think the reality is that I DO know how to eat well and healthy and I DO know what proper portion size is. I think that the reality is that somewhere around about two years or so ago I decided somewhere deep in the pea I have for a brain that if I'm going to look like this, I might as well throw what I know out the window. And around about two years ago - I started letting myself, almost making myself, actually, eat those potato chips I actually don't even really like and actually never crave. Does that make sense? No. But it's how I resolved myself to what was happening. If you can't beat it, join it, was the premise.   With the cleaning out of the pantry well underway, things ARE changing. My husband is eating in a way I don't think he ever has before and the weight is quite simply melting off him. Good for him.   If I do what I inherently know - and am discovering I have seriously missed - I should be ok.   An interesting conversation came up with friends last night. One friend is married to a power lifter. He competes and he owns his own gym so he can teach others the differences between power lifting and body building. He's cooky. He lifts TIRES instead of weights. Big ol' huge 750 pound tires - turns them over instead of rolling them along. Anywho. He has a competition in about a week and a half and so is on a no-carb diet for the rest of the time until the competition so that he can beef up as much as possible before hand. Great. Good for him. Except - it is a major undertaking for him to give up those carbs. Ok, so what's wrong with this, you ask? Well. As he sits there and eats all the "bad stuff" (in normal times, not prepping for competitions) he WILL NOT let his kids touch it. And so, of course, that's all they want - is what DAD eats. Mom cooks healthy, lean, good food. And they don't want that - cause DAD doesn't have to eat that. So, that's the background. In this conversation we were talking about the double standard and how that is likely to rear it's ugly head later in their lives.   And I think that's true. And I think I had never really thought of it THAT way before. My mom cooked healthy, lean, good food. It was a very balanced diet. And we did not pack in sugar - wasn't allowed to have regular Kool-Aid, wasn't allowed to have sweetened cereals like Lucky Charms. Wasn't allowed this or that or this or that. And the truth is, I don't like the this or that's that were excluded from my childhood. BUT. My DAD did get that stuff. And he did eat that stuff. And he also died from diabetes and heart disease.   But when I moved out and on my own - I said you know what - Dad ate it, so so can I.   And almost to prove a point, I bought the stuff. And I ate the stuff.   And here I am.   And the irony? The "stuff" doesn't taste good to me. That good, lean, healthy stuff DOES but that "bad stuff" does NOT.   And I'm finding, as I'm making the switch back to what I did for so long - that I AM GLAD AND RELIEVED to be making this switch!   And my husband. He's so cute. I swear by sugarfree Kool-Aid. He thought :crying:.   And then I made a pitcher of it.   And he took a sip (cause he'd never had it before and wanted to be sure it really WAS :thumbup:). But he LIKED it. :smile:   If he cuts the sugar out - that's huge - cause he DID grow up on the stuff.   I don't know why it matters what you grew up with - I keep saying that - but there is personal choice in that realm, too. That matters as much as anything.   One would think.   Anywho.   I am glad the pantry is getting cleaned out. I am glad my husband is so onboard with this lifestyle change. I am glad I actually do know how to do this and that it's turning out to not be a struggle, even. I am glad I have this time, this six months mandatory supervised weight loss time, to work this all out because I DO think this would be HARD HARD HARD if it was just all cold turkey, all just done, all just over with all with the snap of a finger.   And that's what I know.   As for me and the scale - believe it or not - it just cracks me up. How do you lose four pounds over night and then gain back four pounds the next night and then stay steady for two days and then lose three pounds overnight? I really get on the scale for the humor - so what humorousness will I discover tomorrow?
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10/27/09: And the journey continues...

So I'm just about one month in to my six month weight loss program. HA!   HA HA HA!   I'm still not sure where this is all going to go. My employer is changing my insurance options so drastically that this might get taken off the table. My husband's employer is releasing next years options sometime this week or next and so we will see what that offers. If we switch to his insurance - it might actually make this "quicker" meaning only that I'd only have to do a three month program instead of a six month program. His employer, though, may very well be switching to something drastic like my own employer is. And the common sentiment is that this is all "designed" to force us into a public option.   Yay. Thanks.   Politics aside, yes, something DOES need to happen with our insurance companies. Politics aside, I WAS happy with my insurance policy - and yes, I was lucky to have coverage!   Anywho...   The next week or so will tell a lot.   But there is also a chance that my husband and I will go with one of the two crappy options I'm being given and this will STILL work out, too. There's a chance.   But with only chances to be embracing - it's hard to stay "motivated".   And by "motivated" I mean - to keep going to all the goll-derned appointments I have all over the place. Last week I had two. This week, I have one. Next week I have three. The following week I have one...that I know of so far. I think my supervisor is getting tired of this! I certainly am!   And as I sit here, at my desk, begging (internally) for work - but why SHOULD they give it to me? - I wonder WHY I'm going to all these appointments if there's only a sliver of a chance? Because even if the insurance works out - doesn't mean they will ACCEPT me.   On the other hand, if the insurance WILL work out - better to get these appointments taken care of while I still have the coverage I do. Less out of pocket and all that.   So, like I said, hard to stay "motivated".   Now, I'm parenthesizing that because I AM motivated to lose weight. I don't know that I am "motivated" to pursue this procedure anymore, though.   I am STILL not drinking soda. I did have one on Saturday after a long day volunteering at a children's Halloween nature festival thingy. Had a blast doing it but man oh man my feet were killing me after all was said and done. So drank a soda. It DID taste good - but I DID NOT want another one. YAY! That's huge progress. Prior to Saturday - hadn't had one since Monday and I couldn't even drink that one because it DID NOT taste good. YAY! That's progress. One soda in a week? I'd call that good!   When I got on the scale on Sunday I was DOWN four pounds. YAY!   When I got on the scale today I was UP four pounds. BOO!   Such is life. Such is the journey I have been on for years. Haven't changed a thing and yet....   Interestingly, with not drinking sodas anymore - as that's the single-handed biggest change I've made so far - my FACE looks better. It's not puffy. And I hadn't even realized THAT was what the problem was. It's interesting to see my jaw coming back out. My cheeks. Still more work to be done, but it's progress.   I LIKE PROGRESS.   Maybe tomorrow I will wake up and have magically lost those four pounds again.   Maybe.   But the general gist of my almost entire month of "supervised" weight loss is that...I STILL weigh the same as I did the day I checked in for the first time.   I guess I can say "at least I'm not gaining...."   And so the journey continues....
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10/20/09: A hurdle?

So I checked the mail yesterday. And there was something from my employer. I don't know why but they always send a monthly newsletter to both my email and my house. I get to it when I get to it. So I threw the mail on my desk and headed off to make dinner.   After dinner, I went back and opened the large envelope to remove the newsletter so I could flip through it - and probably throw it away. But it wasn't the newsletter. It was a brochure informing my husband and I of what our health insurance options will be next year. It was a brochure discussing the merits of the two plans we will be able to choose from.   We currently have three plans and I have a plan that requires a copay and no deductible. My current plan will no longer be offered next year. My current plan will pay for the Lap-Band® procedure and requires a six month supervised weightloss program and a psych consult. I am two weeks into that six months.   The plans being offered next year will also require a six month supervised weightloss program and a psych consult. The plans being offered next year will also require a hefty deductible.   HEFTY.   As I sit here and think about it - that deductible is over half the cost of being self-pay.   So hmmm. My husband and I get to thinking. Can't speed up the calendar. Can't convince them "it's just not fair". So what to do?   My husband and I are both on my employer's plan.   So maybe we switch to HIS employer's plan. My open enrollment is the month of Nov and his is the month of Dec.   His insurance only requires THREE months of a supervised weightloss program.   So we shall see. We have more questions than answers right now, that's for sure - but because of financial reasons, this may get better, this may get worse, or this may get shelved.   I sure didn't see that coming...
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10/19/09: It's a Monday...

I am a Geophysicist. That means absolutely nothing except for that I most closely resemble a project manager who gets to test their project in addition to manage their project. I generally enjoy my job. It's fun, to me, to keep track of where everything is. And it's also fun, to me, to test the parameters that give the best result. My "product" is a cross section of the planet. And it's especially fun, to me, to see cross sections of the Earth that are so far down in the ocean that "man" will probably never see it "for real". By 'cross section' I mean image. And by 'so far down' I mean 60,000 (yes, sixty thousand) FEET into the earth - at a water depth of 5000 feet or more. Sometimes the water depth is only 500 feet. Sometimes it's 8000 feet. But suffice it to say, it's a water depth deeper than we can dive to outside of a manned submersible. And manned submersibles are not cheap - nor will they get you INTO the Earth.   Anywho, that's a little bit about what I do.   I'm in the middle of a project right now that is fun stuff to me. And last Friday my project went from the testing stage to the production stage. Not a problem - production can run over the weekend and we should be in a good place on Monday morning.   Before I submitted production, I checked how much disk space I would require for my data. A mere 22.4 TERRA bytes. That's all.   This is a small-ish dataset.   Terra bytes. Funny to be calling something small that is in the realm of multiple terra bytes.   I have a profound respect for how far computers have come in the last twenty years...my job without disk space is impossible - and people used to do it.   I had 44.5 TERRA bytes available. So with what I had available and what I needed - I was golden.   I checked Friday morning. I submitted Friday afternoon.   I came in on Saturday to check the status of my production. All was fine.   I came in this morning and my disk space was gone.   The bad thing about disk space disappearing like this and me not knowing it because I checked a few hours before I submitted is that it shuts other people down, too. My jobs cannot finish because they cannot write out the datasets. And no one else's can, either.   So when people realized they were dead in the water, well, it turned into a bad morning pretty quickly.   And I was all excited about today. I have my psych consult testing stuff this afternoon. I don't know why a psych consult would have me excited but it feels like forward progress and I LIKE that!   The interesting thing to me is that days like this make me LESS likely to eat. Even more interesting - so long as the day turns out positive (which so far it seems to be), I LIKE days like this. Status quo day in and day out is BORING!   And to make it even funnier - because I did something "wrong", I get to file a report on myself. And that report turns into a bonus. ODD!   So yay for Mondays! (?)
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10/15/09: A pound in 6 days

I got on the scale this morning because I'm a scale-aholic. I like the feedback. I don't generally expect to see a loss but I want to know when there is a gain.   So this week, I've cut my breakfast lunch and dinner down by half. I am supposed to be trying for 1200 calories a day. This week I also went three days without a single soda. I have been drinking water, iced tea and coffee. Iced tea unsweetened. Coffee sweetened with about a third of a teaspoon in an oversized cup. I really could cut that sugar out and it's next on my list. But one thing at a time is my approach.   So funny story - last night - I about ripped my husband's head off because he wouldn't tell me which door he was picking me up at. I have three doors I can exit and I just wanted to know which one to exit. He wanted me to tell him where I'd exit and he'd go there. I wanted HIM to make the decision. Is it really that hard? I WAS STARVING and I was not thinking let alone thinking clearly and who the frick cares? Normally, I don't. But 1200 calories a day is HARD!   I knew it wouldn't last. And this isn't that self-fulfilling prophecy kind of thing. It just isn't feasible. Especially since I am trying to do this WHILE cleaning out the pantry. So I'm not necessarily eating protein intense foods or the right kinds of things to make this work out. For now, I am just eating what I want to get out of the pantry - and never buy again, at least not for a daily lunch. Things like potato chips that just do not satisfy hunger.   I would not talk to my husband for about thirty minutes over this REALLY stupid thing. And when I DID talk, my voice was cracking like I was thoroughly exhausted - which I wasn't, although I certainly didn't have my normal energy.   And when I realized JUST how hungry I WAS - I said FEED ME. And he said ok. And we went out for sushi.   And before we ate - I apologized and said I was wrong and he, being the sweet sweet man that he is, said, it's ok.   Sushi is good!   And then I was not hungry.   Nor was I for the rest of the evening.   However, this morning, I woke up famished.   And I got on the scale and I'm down. Now THAT is significant because this is the time of the month where I gain five pounds overnight, keep that weight for about five days, then drop it all just as suddenly. I should have gained that five pounds last night, in fact.   I decided I need to go about this much more wisely.   The potato chips will get gone. I have about half a bag left and they will get added to lunches until they no longer exist and that will be the end of them. But where I was bringing a bag to eat with lunch and a bag for a mid-afternoon snack to get them gone faster, now I will bring one bag - for lunch - and a protein snack for the mid-afternoon lull. I am hoping this will tide me over until dinner better.   I do know that as the pantry gets worked through over the next few weeks/months, that the snacks and light meals will be replaced with more protein rich foods, for example, or veggies instead of chips. I have known that all along - but I just can't throw food that is edible. Even if it's not the best food for me, it's not something like I have it so I sit there and eat the whole bag of chips all at once.   And I also know that 1200 a calories a day just isn't likely. I'm striving for it. But I'm not going to walk around famished, either. My husband doesn't need to endure that - and I have a brain intense job that needs me to be able to think quickly and accurately. If I end up having to do rework because I was striving for a calorie count that is just not satisfying, well, it's just not worth losing my job over that.   On average, I take in about 1800 calories - and I think that's not too shabby. I think I'd rather shoot for 1500 and have enough energy in me to be able to work out! Cause that was the other downfall last night - I managed to fix myself - but I still didn't get enough energy in me to hit the lake for a brisk walk...   So one pound. If I continue to lose one pound a week over the span of this supervised weight loss thing - that would be about 24 pounds. 24 pounds would mean a BMI of about 38. But I'm sure I'll plateau before this time is up...   Have to chuckle, though. This is such an odd thing to be concerned about...
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10/14/09: I like to blog!!!

I'm a nut. I'm weird. I LIKE to blog. I even like it when people read my blogs. I like it even more when people comment on my blogs.   Today's blog is all about what I have not had in two days.   A SODA!   I'm a Dr. Pepper junkie. I think that is truly my worst habit. And I know that where ever I go with this - I NEED TO GIVE IT UP!   It may or may not be the root of my problems - but it doesn't matter. Just the expense should be enough to be happy about giving it up!   When I went in for my first weight loss appointment last week I told the NP that I was going to start working on this, figuring, I've got six months to ween myself.   And over the weekend, I did actually drink less soda. And I thought to myself, well, if I can keep this up, by the time we work through all the twelve packs we have saved for moving into the refrigerator that holds nothing but soda, well, I should be able to make it last for six months.   I don't drink soda at work. Don't buy them out of the vending machines and don't bring one with me. Usually, I get home and grab one on the way into the house (that "soda refrigerator" is in the garage).   Monday - I didn't grab one. Nor did I ever go out there to get one.   Tuesday - I didn't grab one. Nor did I ever go out there to get one.   To me, this is like quitting smoking. I quit smoking cold turkey when I'd decided enough was enough. Just quit. And never really looked back. About two days into that, I realized I was fine. And I've never picked up another cigarette since then. I have been a non-smoker now for four years. Ironically, my lung capacity has decreased...but that's neither here nor there.   So. I'm thinking, if I'm two days without a soda now - and I'm fine with it - then maybe it's all good. Not craving one. Not missing one. Not anything about soda. I might just give them all away! Or not. Who knows.   But what I do know is this is awesome to me!   So far, about a week into my "supervised weight loss" - I've cut all my meals down to half. Half a breakfast. Half a lunch. Half a dinner. But not half the water...and now I'm working on three days of no soda...YAY!
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10/13/09: This is scary...

Am I lieing to myself?   I have generally always considered my weight struggle a hormone problem. I don't eat perfectly but I don't think I eat worse than the people I'm surrounded by who are thin and not struggling. We go out to dinner - they clean their plates - and they order feasts - and I nibble on salads. I cook for them once a week and they don't gain weight off of my food - but I do. I watch them eat desert night after night after night while I don't eat desert all that often. Not because I am holding myself back - but because I generally don't like sweet things. I HATE chocolate. I HATE ice cream. I dislike cake unless it's a very specific kind of cake with a very specific kind of frosting. I only like about three pies known to man. And in most cases, I don't bake them nor do I order them when we eat out. My one weakness for desert is creme brulee but I rarely end up in restaurants that offer it so would say I eat the stuff about three or four times a year. I don't generally eat bread except for with sandwiches. I don't go crazy with grazing throughout the day, in fact I eat three meals and one afternoon snack. Breakfast is a fruit smoothie with nonfat plain yogurt. Lunch is a turkey sandwich on wheat bread with a smidge of mayo. And dinner varies - during the week it's generally leftovers and on weekends is when I cook. It can range from pot roast to roasted chicken to sushi at our favorite sushi bar to Vietnamese grilled beef vermicelli to grilled fish...   So am I lieing to myself? Is food my problem? Am I food addict and I don't know it?   I'm not perfect. I don't pretend to be. I DO eat out probably too much. But I also think I order wise things, for the most part. I'm not big on fried food - although on occasion some fried chicken IS good.   Am I lieing to myself? Have the six nutritionists I've seen over the years been wrong when they said "your food is not your problem?"   I've had TSH tests run on me multiple times just to find out I have HYPER-thyroidism. THAT does not make sense so no one treats it. I have had my metabolism measured a few times just to find out I have a fast metabolism.   And yet the weight packs on.   So am I lieing to myself?   I swim, walk, lift weights three or four times a week. Swimming in the summer, walking otherwise. I garden - that burns calories when you are out there pulling out all those weeds with all the built up frustration you don't know you have. I am like a ping-pong ball when my husband and I TRY to sit down and watch a movie. I'm up every fifteen minutes to do this or that. My dog used to get so mad at me...he'd get all curled up and cozy and then ping, I'm off again. He thinks he has to follow me everywhere but by the time he was about three years old or so, he said 'forget it, do whatcha gotta do and I'll be here when you get back'. He has now found solace in the fact that my husband gets irritated by this, too. Just curls up with my husband if need be and they sit idly by watching me ping and pong about.   So am I lieing to myself?   Am I setting myself up for failure here?   If I'm not lieing to myself - will this work for me? Can it help me?   It almost seems like if I am lieing to myself, then yay. I can fix that!
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10/12/09: And so it goes...

Thursday night last week I went to the seminar. I don't know that it would have ever been required of me but I'm so glad I went. My husband went with me. And we both learned a lot. A lot almost seems like an understatement. And what's weird, was I already knew a lot - but it makes a difference hearing it from the surgeon. It makes a difference being able to ask questions of someone QUALIFIED to answer the questions.   My husband learned a lot, too. And my husband and I both learned that he is on the border of being eligible for this himself.   He thinks he can lose the weight on his own - by following the "diet" I am doing and continuing with his exercise program that he likes. I think there is potential for his yo-yo'ing to continue, though. I also think if we were doing this together, at the same time, on the same page - that would make it "easier". If we both had to do the liquid diet at the same time, for example, t'would be "easier" than if I do it and then six months later, he does it. If we both do the six month supervised weight loss together, t'would be easier, than if I do it and then he starts his program.   He is like me - I KNOW he can lose the weight. But he's gained it back before, like me, multiple times.   There is no easy answer for this, that's for sure.   I surely can't push or cajol or try to convince him. He needs to decide on this for himself and no matter what he decides, I am and will always be by his side - just like he is for me. And no matter what, I know he is just as in this as I am.   We had a long conversation this morning and some last night about cleaning out our pantry, about changing our approach to grocery shopping, about setting a menu on a Sunday, for example, doing our grocery shopping accordingly, and what we will no longer buy. Before I met my husband I was not an impulse buyer. I was also not in the shape I am currently, either. :wub: After I met my husband, I was able (as we wifes do) to retrain some habits - mostly not buying the little debbie crap and things like that. But he retrained me, too (as husbands do) and I now keep chips on hand, whereas the single me would not have. I now keep a second freezer full of meat and a second refrigerator full of sodas. We now both completey agree with each other that we quite simply CANNOT DO THAT!   I grew up eating well, cooking well, exercising frequently (some might say too much), and generally active even when not exercising. From the age of four through high school I was on a swim team and I was good. I still am. I had to be on two sports teams all the time and the second thing bounced around from soccer to basketball to volleyball. Around junior high I switched to drill team and chearleading as my second thing. Around high school I was just doing swimming and drill and in my spare time I was in the choir and drum line.   My mom ALWAYS steamed our vegetables - they were not soaked in broth and bacon fat or cheese or anything else. My mom always baked our fish and chicken - it was never fried and very rarely was it poached. We ate very small servings of carbs, if at all. We did not keep sodas in the house - we drank sugar free cool aid. I didn't eat my first dorito until I was 8 years old - and while it was good, I didn't care about them.   And then I went in the Navy. Who in the world goes in the military to see their activity level DECREASE? Their food quality go bad? Their portions go up?   The Navy is aware, though, that they have a problem. They were aware then and they were trying to fix it. But suffice it to say, in the Navy - I gained weight. In the Navy, in BOOT CAMP of all places, I lost a LOT of muscle tone which was my first step in the wrong direction.   Anywho.   I know how to do this. That's the story there. I have spent more of my life living healthy than not. However, add in some hormone complications of my late 20's and here I am...unable to lose it AND keep it off. And sadly, it, in the last year or so, has gotten to the point where I think, apparently, that if I'm going to look like this, I might as well eat what I want. And that's the part that's changing NOW!   So Friday, I went to my first "weight loss appointment". I met the Nurse Practitioner in the new place - the practitioner that will be following me for my six months of supervised weight loss and exercise. I like her. Friendly. Non-judgemental. And straight forward.   And she said - you already know what to do. So do it. And I'll see you in a month.   She didn't sit there and preach to me about the importance of portion control. About the importance of balanced meals. About the importance of not drinking sodas. About the importance of exercise. She said "YOU ALREADY KNOW".   And she's right. We ALL do.   I read on here somewhere last week "If you want to know how to lose weight - ask a fat person" and that is so true. We KNOW how to lose it. We can't keep it OFF!   I told a "friend" that Saturday night - a skinny girl who eats FIVE, yes FIVE pieces of PIE in one night and doesn't gain an inch and yet is always trying to lose weight - and she scoffed at me like :confused:. So I asked her - knowing she is ALWAYS wanting to lose weight - do YOUR "diets" work? No. See. Mine DO. I just can't KEEP it off. And hopefully this is the tool to help me be able to.   Her answer. "Whatever". She seems to think that human beings cannot live on restricted calories. Since she can't (and doesn't need to) therefore no one should/could.   Anyway...   Friday was good. I was happy to be getting everything OFFICIALLY started. I go back on Nov 5 for the next check in. Now time seems to have slowed down.   In the meantime - I should be able to pick up the letter of medical necessity from my PCP this week. Since my OB/GYN is someone with ongoing care, I should get a letter from him, too. I see him later this month. I need to also see a cardiologist since I have had issues with heart palpitations in the past. I see him later this month, as well. Finally, I've started trying to get into do my psych consult as well - although that's not been easy. I got a list of In-Network Providers from my insurance company and when I attempted to call SIX different practices on Friday, they were ALL closed for the day! Seriously. Not ONE mental health practitioner in my area works on Friday? Really? Whatever. My goal is to be able to turn in as much as possible when I go back on Nov 5th.   This weekend was strangely emotional to me, though. Friday I was excited, happy, and certain. Saturday morning as I was waking up I was vaguely depressed. I just kept thinking in the back of my pea brain - no more bread EVER? But by the time I was fully awake I was back to my normal opinion - whatever. I am not a bread-aholic...   Saturday night, had friends over for dinner - and skinny minny stood there in my family room judging me. I've had issues with her judgements already and am now of the opinion that she is just not ever going to understand.   Sunday I had the vaguely depressed notions coming up again as I realized - no 'this', no 'that'. How to juggle this and that. Can I really not just do this on my own? That skinny minny got to me.   Finally got to talk to my hubbie last night and he thinks that I CAN do this on my own - but thinks that this might also be a fail safe that would be worth it in the long run. He thinks that I should nevermind that skinny minny and chalk this up to experience. He thinks that no matter what, I should do this six month thing and then make a better informed decision then.   So I woke up this morning thinking - we need to change how we grocery shop. We need to change our pantry. We need to change our refrigerators. And I need to go back to what my mom taught me, what I was raised with, what I know. And my hubbie is along for the ride. He's such a great man!
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10/08/09: Who's in control - me or them?

Me.   And it should be me.   This is MY life.   This is MY future.   This is MY well-being.   No one else's.   I was told yesterday to, in my own words, sit patiently by the phone and wait for THEM to call me.   I'm not patient.   Can't do it.   Won't lie and say I can.   So I searched and dawdled and explored and cajoled and got myself a phone number out of thin air.   And I called it.   And I said - I can't wait. :thumbup:   Ok, not really, I was a WHOLE LOTTA nicer than that. But that was the general jist of it.   And they made me an appt. Not for two weeks from now. Not for two weeks from two weeks from now. Nope. For TOMORROW. Friday. 10/9. At 10:30.   And here's what I know about this. My six months starts TOMORROW.   At the end of the conversation with the lady who really didn't care that I had called even though I was told not to, I asked - is this going to cause a problem? She said no, it's a good thing actually. I then asked if they'd have my paperwork on time? She said she didn't know but if they didn't they'd call the other office and get it.   Oh. Ok.   That was so NOT difficult!   I went to a friends house for dinner last night with my husband. She is recently retired and was an office manager for a asthma and allergy clinic. That clinic is a lot like this place I'm being sent to. They had offices all over Houston. So this place I'm being sent to - it seems to me they have satellite offices in all the corners of Houston and once they know you're a candidate they send you to the main office for all the workup stuff. And then when it's time for surgery, you go back to your satellite location, if you want to. And fills may or may not be done there. And support may or may not be done there. Her office was similar. It was a bunch of satellites. She said here's what happens.   The Nurse Practitioner has to get her notes done. Because she's a Nurse Practitioner, she has to get the surgeon to sign off on them. Once he does that, then the paperwork can be sent into this main office. Once it's in the main office, they will call me and schedule the appt. They generally say two weeks so that if anything goes wrong, they are covered, but it doesn't generally take that long.   She said, though - that in scenarios where offices or clinics are set up like this - they love love love people like me. Instead of sitting in a quagmire of paperwork, I'm saying "this is what I want, this is when I want it, this is how I want it" and they are happy to comply because now they aren't waiting, either, AND they know I'm serious about moving forward.   Enlightening.   So - as is generally the case - although not always, there are always exceptions - it's a good thing to be in control of my own life and my own outcome and my own future. :biggrin:   So I'm excited, eager and ready for tomorrow!
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10/07/09: Well then...

Went in for my appt today. Thought I was excited and thought I was so ready to go and couldn't wait to get started.   And I have to wait...   Turns out, if I'd already done my six months supervised thing then I could just move on and go on with the process. But since I still need to do that - they need me to go somewhere else.   I can still have the same surgeon.   But the location just became a pain in the something. Whereas I thought I'd be going to an office about 10 miles from home, now I get to fight traffic to get to the medical center which is not even remotely near my normal beaten path - and my normal beaten path encompasses a lot of Houston.   I can still do the surgery at the same hospital which is close to home. But I will most likely have to do the fills there at that place I did not want to go to. This Dr. is trying to get a program up and running with all of the extras - the fills, the nutritionist, the mental health professional, you know, all of the above - at the hospital where his office is. So there might be a chance that by the time I can have the surgery they might be able to do fills there.   This Dr. just moved into this office that I visited today. Boxes of medical records are still sitting everywhere. 'Just moved in' means - a month and two days ago. I asked because I found it odd that the pictures are not on the walls, just propped against the walls, found it odd that the records are not filed in a nice looking file cabinet syste, found it odd that entire counters are blank. You'd think they'd want to get settled...   On the good side, the Nurse Practictioner I saw told me about this surgeon's philosophy and I like it. So between what I've heard from my friend the nurse anesthetist and my own primary care, I am feeling comfortable with the surgeon and these groups.   And this office is affiliated with the one they referred me to. That same Nurse Practictioner told me that office has a group of office staff that absolutely KNOW how to get these things approved and having them on my side will be good.   She told me I DO need to prove a comorbidity even though my insurance company is claiming I only need one if the BMI is 35-39. Since my BMI is over 40, shouldn't need one, but I will follow their lead on that! She told me this office has everything in place to do everything basically. And a number of their people who are on staff for the various aspects of this have had the procedure done themselves. She said there's a great support structure that comes with this office, whereas the office I visited cannot make the same claim.   So now the part that I really don't like. I have to wait for them to call me to even get the appt to get things going. And it can be up to two weeks before they call. I don't care if my appt is next month, I'll just feel better when I know I have an APPT!   Please call, please call, please call!!!
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10/06/09: YAY! Hope is on the horizon!!!

What feels to me like the biggest hurdle has been jumped! And it's fine! I came down on the other side on both feet!   I had my appt with my PCP today. I need from her a letter of medical necessity. And I wasn't sure how my visit with her would go - whether she would make me defend and justify this, whether she would be adamantly against it, whether she would emphatically support it...I just wasn't sure at all! And she said she would absolutely give me that because while she's only known me for a year, she's seen enough to know that I'm not lieing when I say "I TRY!" And it comes off. And it comes back.   She said we would do some testing to prove a comorbidity that she thinks I may have. She said we will jump through those insurance hoops and give them NO REASON to deny this!   She also said three or four years ago she would have been hesitant, would have said, 'do it yourself' but she's seen those people she told that lose the weight and then gain it back plus some. It's something about a BMI over 40 that makes your body NOT WANT TO LET GO! And she's seen lap-band® after lap-band® do wonders for people.   She said my choice in surgeon is fantastic. Can't beat him in my area and she would have suggested him had I not found him myself. She recommended doing the supervised exercise and diet program with them because she likes their nutritionist and the staff in that office are all fantastic.   She gave me copies of everything I need for the consult tomorrow - which should help some of this role along faster.   I did some blood work because I had questionable liver function earlier this year and she wants to see if we can prove it's fatty liver. If the blood work warrants it, I already have the order in hand for a abdominal ultrasound.   She said even if we can't prove that comorbidity, it's enough that my parents are ALREADY deceased - were deceased by 55 (mother) and 61 (father) - for things that are comorbidities. I already have tons of odds against me, I don't need this weight stacking my odds even further!   To me, getting her approval was potentially my biggest stumbling block. Had she said no, I would have gotten myself a new PCP and kept trying. But I like her and I didn't want that hassle which would also potentially become a demotivator.   And I KNOW I'm fat enough. She laughed at that. Was impressed at how much research I've done, what I knew, and how I've been taking care of myself in this endeavor. Wasn't asking for the answers, was asking for endorsement - and from what she said, the people willing to do this from start to finish like this, on their own - if you will, are the successful ones. The people on this website, I'd venture!   Can't be done on your own - don't get me wrong. But I'm not being spoon fed my information. This wasn't suggested to me, I explored the thought. That's what I'm talking about...   Anywho...   She said she has seen it before where people are like me, on the fence with the BMI with no comorbidities. And she's seen - and even supported - minor weight gain to get them to the "acceptable level of fatness". I find that sad. But it's the game we have to play, apparently. Comorbidities help, but I've enjoyed my food this weekend to ensure my weight today and tomorrow would not be an issue.   And hopefully tomorrow can start the six month supervision. And hopefully I can be looking at the March/April time frame.   And if not, I'll take it as it comes.   My biggest stumbling block has been passed. I just feel like now I can say "Ok, hope is on the horizon!"   YAY!
ldswims

ldswims

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10/05/09: I'm absolutely useless at work!

I am so eager for these dr appt's/consults/seminars! Who in the world is ever EAGER to see a DR? This is NUTS!   Tomorrow I go see my Dr. I hope she feels like I do - that this is a good thing in my case. I know she wants me to lose weight. I'm scared, though, that she's going to say 'do it yourself'. I will be doing it myself - but this tool will HELP give me feedback. I hope I don't come across as using this as a crutch - 'cause I certainly won't be and I certainly am not thinking that way. Seems to me, though, that no matter what I THINK I've said, people hear or read what they want to anyway. So while I say "this isn't a crutch, it's a tool, this isn't a crutch, it's a feedback mechanism", people will hear - "I need a crutch". I don't need a crutch. I need a lasting solution!   Suffice it to say, tomorrow scares me.   Wednesday, on the other hand, is oddly exciting. It's the consult. I know I'm fat. I know my BMI is too high. I know my insurance covers it and I know they want me to do six months of supervised dieting and exercise. I will be eager to get that started and am eager to meet the folks at the surgeons office and to feel like this is starting to go somewhere.   And Thursday night my husband and I will attend a seminar. I figure at this point, with my research and my exploration and the fact that I'll have already been in for the consult, that it might be a lot of repetition. But repetition is good! And my husband and I hearing things together will undoubtedly lead to new questions and even clarification in some cases.   I don't know why I'm so scared of tomorrow. Because even if she's not supportive, how hard is it to get a new doctor? One can generally find the answer they want if they look hard enough. And she's generally been supportive or helpful of me and my issues in the past. I just don't want hassle. I don't want demotivators. I don't want frustration. I know there will be some all over the place along this journey - that's what LIFE is and I've certainly encountered it before and come out stronger for it. Everything happens for a reason and all that....   Anyway, as I sit here at my desk trying to look at my data, I just can't stop thinking about tomorrow and the rest of this week!
ldswims

ldswims

1
 

10/02/09: My life is changing as I type

I have had quite the week! I have looked at this procedure before but have never been "qualified". Lately, I've become qualified - which was not something I aspired to, let me tell you.   I taught swim lessons in my pool over the summer. I was teaching lessons 6 nights a week (after working a full 9-10 hour day mon-fri) and managed to lose twenty pounds or so. As SOON as the swim lessons came to an end and I was no longer in the pool as much, I gained all that weight back in the span of a week plus a little more to boot. Has anyone ever tried to maintain 6 days of activity, with a minimum of 3 hours of that activity for long? If I was training for something, I could see it. But in that time that I was teaching those lessons, so many other things around the house were not happening.   But this isn't about that. That's just one example of my issues I've dealt with over the years. Suffice it to say, I've got good eating habits, a healthy balanced diet. Six nutritionists have agreed with that over the years. I am active. Always have been. Want to always stay that way! And yet here I am.   Last weekend, I did too much. I cooked for and played games with some friends on Friday night. Saturday I was up and about for a mere 20 hours full of running errands and playing football in a parking lot before watching football (on my feet) in a stadium. Sunday I was swimming all day while bbq'ing and playing with friends and their kids.   Doesn't sound like much. To me it sounds like an ideal weekend. Lots of love and laughter and lots of out and about - not lazing on the couch (which is nice on occasion, don't get me wrong - but only on like weeknights after a long day at work after cooking, cleaning, and working out).   But I have a bad foot. When I was in the Navy my foot was injured in a freak accident and it causes problems to this day. Before I got "heavy" my foot rarely had good days. Since I've been heavy, my foot NEVER has good days - and it's now compounded by my feet having to deal with this weight. They both aren't happy. But my bad foot causes my joints to lock up. And it starts with the foot. Then if I don't chill out, it heads off for my ankle. If I still don't chill out, it heads off for my knee. If I STILL don't chill out, it goes after my hip. And then I'm laid up until my foot can relax which lately is running in the two-three day range.   So last weekend, I got myself all locked up. I KNOW my weight is at the heart of this. I used to "recover" quicker. I used to be ok.   So Monday and Tuesday I was home. Monday I was just me. Tuesday I got a bit sad. And then I asked myself - what can I do about this? Lose weight, obviously. But weightlifting, dieting, walking, swimming - that combination ISN'T working. And when it does work, it only works for so long before it all comes back.   And then I saw a commercial of all things. And I hobbled to my computer to see what I could see. And instantaneously I had hope.   By Wednesday morning at 8 am, I had an appt with my PCP to discuss this. I called my insurance company Tues night to find out if it's covered and what I need to do. By Wednesday morning at 9 am, I had an appt with a surgeon's office to discuss this even further.   I initially thought I would not attend a seminar but by Wednesday afternoon realized it would be beneficial to do so.   And I continued doing research. And I continued asking questions.   I got myself all garbled up yesterday by thinking about just how long this might all take. My insurance company requires six months of doctor supervised weightloss and exercise. Ok. No worries there. I do that anyway. I can do that. Yesterday, though, I was still thinking "I wanted immediate gratification". I also had over three weeks to wait until the appt with the surgeon, so the six months wouldn't even start until then. But last night I got myself calmed down.   That's the thing about me. I can get worked up over nothing. And I can also usually get myself back to functional without much effort. And I did. I wish I could avoid that whole process...but that's me.   So here I am, calm and collected again saying "ok". Whatever. I can do this for six months. I can get my good habits in place and situated. I can start this process without the band and use the band to finish it and then maintain it. No, the band is not a magic little thing that is going to work magic on me. I'm calling it my feedback mechanism. I need to recondition myself and I need to recondition myself PERMANENTLY and that's what I see the band as - the reminder.   And like I said, here I am, calm and collected.   About half an hour ago a strange number called my cell phone. I rarely answer strange numbers so I let it go to voicemail. And a lot of times strange numbers don't leave messages and I say - yay, I didn't waste my time. This strange number DID leave a voicemail. I listened to it and didn't know what to think.   The surgeons office called and needed to reschedule. I'm thinking, oh no, they could barely get me in in three weeks - I don't want to wait to start this process until NOVEMBER. So I went in a quiet room which is what we have in this building since each and everyone of us are in cubicles. And I called them back. And they said - do you prefer afternoon? Yes, but I really just want to get in and get this process started and I'll deal with whatever I have to.   So she says...the best I can do is Oct 12th?   Are you kidding? That's AWESOME!   And then she looks a bit more and says, actually, I can't do that.   DANGIT!   And then she says, it will have to be Oct 7th! At 10:30 AM.   So next week will be my starting point. I will meet with my PCP on Tues. I'm fairly certain she'll give me the letter of medical necessity for a variety of reasons. 1) she's mentioned this before. 2) I'm fat - BMI says it all (even though I don't think a BMI is really a true indicator. I am a lot of muscle - but I certainly have a lot of fat on me, too.) 3) parental histories put me at great risk for TONS of stuff all related to weight. 4) she's generally a nice, helpful doctor who wants to help make life better.   And at the end of the day, that's my goal. Make life better. I don't want to pay a price for having an awesome weekend. I don't want to stop having awesome weekends because I'm scared of the pain and discomfort that follows. I want to be healthy and feel better. I want to STAY healthy! I want to not follow my parents to an early grave.   Like I said, I meet with the PCP on Tues. Meet with the surgeon's RNP on Weds. And then the Lap-Band® seminar Thurs night.   I hope it's a good week.
ldswims

ldswims

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01/27/10: Un-news-worthy news

Good Morning. Good Day. Happy Wednesday. To some that means Happy Hump Day.   I am now rambling on a new website. My very own blog on blogspot.   http://ldswims-journeytoembrace.blogspot.com/   I am of the mind that I don't want to read only about the band and it's journey. I want to read about the person and the person's journey with the band. Namely I want to read about life. And that's what I want to blog about. On this site I feel guilty for doing so - although no one has ever said anything. But because of that guilt (self-imposed) and wanting to have a page that I created, a page that is me, I liked what Band_Groupie did and so decided to do the same.   I am still in the midst of transferring my older blogs over there. But anything from 1/22 and onwards is only on   http://ldswims-journeytoembrace.blogspot.com/   I hope to see you there!   And like BG, I'll still be here - although, in my case, probably just lurking around...   PS - the page is still a work in progress - but that will always be the case. :thumbup:
ldswims

ldswims

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01/21/10: And here we are...again...

The thing I love about myself is that when I get down and grumpy and irritated and miserable - it doesn't last long!   Yay! I'm back!   It's always a tiny little teensy eensy thing that makes me go "what was I so bothered about?"   It's this kind of perpetual circle. I want out of the bad mood so badly that I'm running in circles - and getting irritated accordingly - to get out of the bad mood - which just exacerbates my bad mood. And then something eensy teensy happens and I'm fine.   Hopefully this blog won't read like me last two. What I do have to say about the last two, though, is that to me, it's part of what this process is like - for those that have to go through the danged program. Those feelings are real and I've read them elsewhere and it's better to be aware than to be surprised when the irritable grumpiness happens. I could have kept it all to myself and I would have gotten over it all just like I have with letting it out. Letting it out didn't make me feel better and it didn't make me feel worse. The people who piped up and said "dude, we're here for you", well, that helped, but me typing out how stupid I was thinking, that didn't make me feel better or worse. But if someone reads it and says to themselves, "that's how I feel" - well then the work of the blog is done.   Anywho.   I had my annual well woman exam this morning. And this doc is something special. I think he suffers worse PMS than I ever have. Sooooo moody and if you catch him on the wrong day, man, hold your head in your hands cause if you don't, you may lose it.   Today was a good day.   The last time I saw this doc was in November when I approached him to ask for his endorsement for this surgery. He was not so very kind in saying his opinions on my weight gain were that I was basically stupid. It was a less than fulfilling meeting but at the end of the day, he did give me his endorsement and I figured "whatever".   His endorsement meaning a Letter of Medical Necessity.   Today, though...wow.   I didn't know who I was going to meet today.   I've now seen this guy 4 times and I've had 2 wonderful appts and 2 nail-scraping-on-chalkboard appts. I have always loved the office staff there, though, and, in anticipation of having to switch to a new doc in the same office when my hubby and I get pregnant, I've dealt with it.   Anywho. Today.   FABULOUS GUY!   He was chatty, he was sweet, he was positive, he was upbeat, he was in a great mood and even complimentary!   Started with - how was your New Year.   I'm thinking, ok...   Asked if I had questions. I asked his input on actually getting pregnant after being banded. I hear 2 years before we start trying and I don't know that I buy that, personally, especially when considering my case.   Not saying I want to get banded and then immediately start trying to get pregnant.   What I think is that if I focus this year on losing weight, that going into 2011 we should be in a good place for starting to try. If I can lose even just 66 pounds this year, I'll be at a normal BMI. If I can get banded in Feb or March, as has been discussed, then that seems doable. Say it was the end of Feb - that gives me 10 months to lose 66 pounds which means an average of 6.6 pounds a month. Seems to me that most do better than that when they try...and I'll certainly be trying.   So we had a conversation about that. And he thought it was all very doable and reasonable. If I were heavier then it might be more important to focus on two years. But I'm not heavier. And I am older, too. For a first pregnancy anyway.   And then he really surprised me. He complimented me. Said "you are doing well already!"   What? YOU are saying something NICE to ME?   Who ARE you?   In a moment I wish I could undo - he said he wants me to do my baseline mammogram this year. This summer. Really? Am I there already?   But then the whole thing got eery. He got cute. He says, as we are saying our good byes....   "I can't wait to see you next year and I hope to see less of you." Noticing that he was possibly sticking his foot in his mouth he says - "well not less frequently, just less person". Noticing he was still possibly sticking his foot in his mouth he started to stammer. And I'm just smiling cause I know what he means and I know where he's coming from and it's really cute and not bugging me and I even thought it was funny - and right on the dot. So I Iet him off the hook and said "I know what you mean and it sounds great to me, too!" He smiled and shook my hand and said he couldn't wait to see me next year - keep up the good work.   Really? 10 pounds is good work? 10 pounds in 4 months?   I guess it's something. But it's not a lot...   I have to chuckle - cause it is a lot when I consider how I've done it. Given the program and it's design, it's been half-hearted and half-arsed.   Sigh. I really can't wait to just let myself go and TRY!   Anywho.   Who knows if I will get banded. Who knows if this is all for nothing or all for something. But somehow, this appt gave me a warm fuzzy feeling and now I just feel better.   Add to that - the cold is still on the retreat and I feel ~95% finally. Still a bit of a stuffed up nose - but nothing I can't start to attribute to allergies.   Speaking of which, I think I'll go get some decongestants...
ldswims

ldswims

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01/20/10: Life marches on...

I think the cold that was beating me up on Monday is finally receding. Now there's a recession to appreciate!   I don't think I realized quite how badly I felt on Monday. But I think I felt so badly that I was quite grumpy and my perspective is...ummm...not so positive...when I'm grumpy. My mom used to hate me grumpy. I think my husband doesn't know what to do with me grumpy...   I don't either for that matter. But it happens. And sometimes I can figure out what's causing it and can then put myself in check. And other times it's just this thing that gets to badger me all day. And Monday was one such day. Didn't feel bad enough to know I felt bad. But didn't feel good enough to feel good, either.   (For the record, I'm not grumpy today, I'm stressed. There's a difference, although it's a fine line...)   By Tuesday I was done. I slept ALL day yesterday. Alarm went off and I thought to myself - there's just no way. I think this next thing speaks volumes - when I said to my hubby - I'm staying home - he normally says "are you sure?" and yesterday he just said "ok". So I went back to sleep. I woke up at 12:30 and was back asleep by 1. I woke up again at 1:30 and had to run an errand. I was back in bed by 2:30 and slept until 7 last night. And finally I was asleep by 9 for the night.   I feel human today!   And to make it even better - the scale dropped this morning, too! Didn't take any dayquil today and won't take any nyquil tonight. Not saying I've beat this cold - but it sure is receding!   It's been odd this winter. Normally I have one cold when school starts in the fall and one cold when school starts in January. This year - I've had a constant cold since November with a bout of gastroenteritis for good (HA) measure. I'm so sick of being sick.   I think that'd make even the happiest of people grumpy. I'm normally pretty happy, too!   So the scale dropped this morning. Not enough to make me say "ok, I'm good for the next weigh-in" but it was enough that I can now say to myself "ok, if I do this and this, then I'll be good for the next weigh-in". I have two weeks to make something happen - something meaning a pound or two. Seems do-able.   I do think my body has plateau-ed. It has done all it's going to do from just changing what I eat and how I think about it. Now don't take that as me saying "I've got the eating part all figured out" - cause I certainly don't.   I'm on an unweightloss program and with this, I have had a bit of, "well, I'm not banded yet, and I can't lose too much weight here, so I'll eat a little more of this, or a serving of that, or..." In other words, I apply the rules only insofar as I can afford to. I don't have the impression that I can just lose the weight and so I'm constantly doing and undoing my progress.   And I hate that. But that's neither here nor there.   What I do know is that even with this doing and undoing, my body has been responding in manner X. And this month my body is responding in manner Y. Which leads me to believe I've plateaued. So I have to change gears a bit. I feel like I have two options. I can stop the doing and undoing and just do. Or I can continue with the doing and undoing and add in light exercise.   For my mental health - I want my endorphines back - I am opting for the light exercise option.   I wish someone could get out there crystal ball and tell me that this stress I am feelingis worth it. Will this even happen?   I am not the sort that gets colds and flus and gastroenteritis' so easily. I used to work offshore and I went out on my vessel one time with 24 other people. 24 other people shared bronchitis, gastroenteritis, colds and more and I got NOTHING. We were out there for five weeks and these bugs kept getting passed back and forth and all around the crew. I got nothing! I was happy as a clam and not stressed and enjoying life. I got home to a sick fiance (had bronchitis) and still got nothing.   Stress matters. And the stress of this gosh-darned-stupid-as-all-get-out "unweightloss" program is killing me! Add to this the economy and this feeling that it's just a matter of time before I lose my job...and I'm stressed. Downright, nothing else to call it, S T R E S S E D!   So tell me. This one thing that I am truly adding to myself (cause I'm causing all my stress, but as much as I'm causing it, external factors are also at play) but this one thing - it's all me. I could say I'm not doing it, I'm not stressing about it, I'm done - but then I could just be fat forever. So tell me. WILL THIS STRESS BE WORTH IT?   If I get banded, yes. It's worth it. BUT WILL I GET BANDED?   ugh.   and sigh.   and ugh again.   I want to NOT HAVE A COLD. For the rest of this year. Not just this season. Not next season, either.   I want the economy to turn around. I want job security. Can't we all just get along?   I just want this phase to be over.   Over dangit, over!
ldswims

ldswims

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01/18/10: And here we are...

It's a Monday. It's January 18th. That's about all I can say today.   To those that say the last month or two of the danged "unweightloss" program go by fast - go to friggin heck! This is way slower than it used to was.   The first four months I could sit there and think about everything else - still about the band, but it was everything else. But now, I'm in this kind of almost like agony just wondering if this is all for not. Will I even get approved for surgery? Will I have to go through years of appeals? Will this even happen?   I know, years of appeals is exagerating. We hope.   I have two and a half weeks until my next weigh in. And then presumably four more weeks until my last weigh in. Seems like I should be excited about, conceivably, just six and a half more weeks to go. And yet it feels like torture. Because I don't even know what will happen after these six and a half weeks.   In other news, I got my bloodwork results back. I still have high cholesterol. No surprise there. But what IS surprising is that it's not nearly as high as it used to was. It is already coming down. I sure didn't see that coming. I'm supposed to go check in with my PCP about this, but, you know...it's coming down without medical intervention. I want to get banded and see what else happens...   So there I go again...will I even get banded?   Ugh, six weeks. And that's just to finish this danged program. I thought I was at peace with it but apparently I'm not. I do, however, think I'm at a place where I can start working out again. The weight I thought I lost last week decided it missed me...which means I'm exactly where I was at my last weigh-in. I can wear lighter clothes for my next weigh-in cause it appears winter is over. From four days in freezing temps all the way to mid-70's this week. Ugh! I WANT WINTER!   Dangit Texas. Darned temperate climate....:thumbup:   Maybe I'm grumpy today. Just maybe. Spent all weekend fighting a cold and sleeping and now sweet hubby is home today with a day off - they call it a holiday at his place of employment. We are here keeping the computers whirring but I'm sooo not feeling it. Probably cause I'm grumpy. Not feeling anything other than GRRRR.   And for what. When I feel grrr, lately, I ask myself why. Does the alternative beat this? So what's my alternative. I could not be trying to get the lap-band® and I could still be struggling with my weight. Oh, wait. I am still struggling and even feeling defeated. I could not feel badly because of a cold on top of a cold I still hadn't quite beat. Oh wait, well, I'd rather NOT have the cold! I could not have a job. Ok...I'll pass on that one. I want to keep this job!   I guess I could join the ranks of BG et. al. and be plugged up. I'm tellin' you - the smoothie works wonders. I am sooo not the regular type when I don't drink the smoothie. One smoothie and one cup of coffee works wonders on me, though. We shall see what happens after the band...dangit - will I even get banded?   I'm so very all over the place and it's so very how I feel right now. I just want to know that this program is/will be worth it. I want to know that I will get banded. I want to know that life is on the mend, so to speak. I want to know that my new efforts are worth it. It doesn't help that at work I'm doing about the most mindless thing we do and it appears this is what I get to do for the next two months or so. It doesn't help because doing this mindless crap means my mind can race to other things I'd rather not even be conscious of - like will I even get banded?   At least I have a job...At least I have a job...At least I have a job...At least I have a job...At least I have a job...At least I have a job...At least I have a job...   Sigh...   And here we are...  
ldswims

ldswims

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01/15/10: Whoever coulda thunk it...

The MIL and her sweet hubby had to come to Houston for business. They arrived Weds morning and stayed in a hotel on the north side of town that day. Claimed the 50 miles they would have to drive by staying with us was too great to be of a benefit.   I will never understand that...I don't think. It makes no sense to me that staying in a hotel that is within 50 miles of your son is "easier" than not seeing your own son, who you rarely get to see - and always complain about not seeing enough of. To me, if I'm getting within 50 miles of anyone in my family, I'm gonna see them! But if I had kids - I'd be staying with them and dealing with 50 friggin miles.   But this isn't about that...   Cause she kinda sorta did some redeeming last night. At the very least she reminded me of why I used to think we clicked so well in the first place.   Initially they asked us to drive that 50 miles to see them after a long day of work and sitting in extra traffic to do so. Because of a certain situation my sweet hubby and I are dealing with, we asked to meet in the middle.   The next day they say to us, well, it just won't work out.   But it worked out for the better. Because since it "just wouldn't work out" they decided to stay in Houston an extra day. And not having business on the north side of town on that additional day, they could just come stay with us. So they did. They were there and waiting (inside, of course) when we got home yesterday and we spent a wonderful evening together.   I did my chicken in the crock pot. Take a whole roasting chicken, wash, pat dry, then, sprinkle with salt and pepper and throw just that in the pot. Set the pot to low and when you come home from work or errands or whatever, the chicken is so tender and juicy it's falling apart. (ok, takes about 8 hours min, but more time in the pot on low just makes it better...)   It's SOOOO tender and juicy. And whatever you want to do to it for flavor works as well as doing nothing.   I served that with a zucchini souffle. Wanting less starch, I thought that was a good balance of having A LOT of veggies and a little starch. Mix up a cup of flour, a tsp of baking powder, a pinch of paprika and some salt and pepper; then add 4 beaten eggs; and finally add 1 chopped onion and 3-4 zucchini. I added about a cup of cheese last night - a blend of cheddar, monterey and jack. Throw that in the oven at 350 for about an hour and you get a nice light fluffy thing. It's got bunches of protein - for a veggie/starch dish - and not a lot of carbs. (16 grams) Not something I'd make every day or even often, but for a change of pace and just something different, it was a nice dish.   So we sit down to dinner and they are just in awe over how wonderful the chicken was, how flavorful the zucchini was, and how easily it all came together. As a working person, I gotta say, I DO love the crock pot!   So after dinner was eaten, we set the hot tub to heat. Eventually it was warm enough to move out to stew ourselves and so we did. And once we did, the conversation really relaxed.   And then she did it. She started to redeem herself.   It all started with her bringing up the breakfast casseroles she made the last time we visisted her and when she did, my sweet hubby made sure to mention to her that she cannot make those for me anymore. She made one for me and one for my hubby. My hubby's was a grits casserole. I HATE grits. Can't stand the consistency and generally no flavor unless you add crap. For me, she made a hash brown casserole. And it was LOADED with hash browns. If it had been loaded with sausage and had some hash browns that might have helped but it was about a 1/4 lb of sausage and 3 pounds of hash browns all mixed with about 2 eggs. Anywho, since I AM trying to keep the protein up and the carbs down, that's not a great start to the day. And the interesting thing was, until I ate lunch and could get some protein in me, I was famished. It was kind of interesting to me and really drove a point home (a point I was pretty sure that I had already learned).   So when he said last night, you can't make that stuff for Lori anymore, she said...   I don't remember. :cursing:   But it did turn into a long conversation about nutrition and dietary needs/concerns/awarenesses/issues.   She is, like sooooo many people, soooo worried about eating "too much meat". And the category "meat" encompassed chicken, fish, etc in this conversation.   I told her about the "equation" to determine how much protein she should be eating in a day. My hubby and I talked about how to take good-for-you-foods and make them better.   And all the while I was kind of getting the impression that, like my sweet hubby, she's going to try and lose weight vicariously through me. What I learn, she employs. What I try - she will too. So from this whole conversation, she's going to go home and 1) eat the protein first, 2) figure out how much protein she needs in a day for her current weight, 3) eat as much protein as she needs instead of trying to cut back on it, 4) use our smoothie ideas and knowledge. Like us, she likes a smoothie best for breakfast but, like so many, has the idea that it should be pretty liquidy and not have any additives (like flaxseed oil or protein powder). My hubby and I have learned that in addition to switching to Fage (finally found it) and adding flaxseed oil, that if it's thicker, it holds us over longer. That whole slider vs. substantial food thing.   She questioned me on the zucchini souffle - good for her. I had never made it before, and while I will make it again, it will be special things like visits from the in-laws. I talked about something I believe which is that I don't want to diet to lose weight. I want to eat normally and more important,healthily. We had a whole long tangential conversation about if you do ketosis to lose the weight (even with the band) and then you get to your ideal weight and then the band is loosened for maintenance weight, well, you could be in trouble if you suddenly have to learn how to eat all over again. Without the band, that switch could be even worse. You should do, to lose weight, what you will do, to maintain weight. Lose weight = less intake. Maintain weight = optimal intake. But if you eat differently for either "phase", well, it could be a recipe for disaster. She agrees. She's going to try for <1200 calories a day until maintenance mode.   Now I have to mention here that both she and my sweet hubby (who is also doing this vicariously through me) would both qualify for Lap-Band®®® surgery. They are both overweight, although in the 35-40 BMI realm, not over 40. MIL would be self-pay so no worries on insurance stuff but my sweet hubby would have to prove co-morbidities for insurance coverage. MIL thinks she can do this on her own. Sweet hubby thinks he can do this on his own.   MIL has never really tried.   Sweet hubby has been trying for years and can only get 20 or so pounds off before it comes back again. I don't know what will happen for either of them but I suspect when (if it can happen at all) it starts to happen, for me, they will say oh...wait...   But they are holding out for now.   And so this conversation in the hot tub went on for well over a couple of hours. And then it led to great conversation in general in which she finally proclaimed, I just miss you guys.   Well, then...start spending time with us - and start letting us spend time with you!. We go see them - and we are heralded around for everything else but time with them. They come see us and we share a meal and then they leave. If you miss us, then let's stop this ridiculousness and spend some time together! Cause we certainly miss them.   So I'm getting pretty long. But it was a pretty good night filled with interesting conversation and even some affirmation. I love affirmation! I used to think I loved her dearly (and, of course, I do still think that) because we could talk so easily and I could say what I thought - which isn't too common, I don't think, especially when it comes to saying what you think to the person you think it about. There was a level of openness between us that I really appreciated! It made me think I'm-so-lucky-in-the-MIL-department. But the lack of visiting started me questioning priorities which left me disappointed. However, the candor last night was great, to me. For example, if one of my neighbors who is judging me about this decision asked me about the souffle, I'd go on the defensive. But with the MIL, I was pleased she questioned it, appreciated her reasoning for questioning it - and she agreed with my answer for why I chose to make it, too. No one has ever said the band is about eating boring, dry, flavorless, uninteresting food. It's about eating less of all of it - good and bad - and really questioning why or how much of the "bad stuff' you need. And the answer to needing bad stuff is YOU DON'T NEED IT. So then Why do you want it? And sometimes, just sometimes, the answer is ok. And sometimes, just sometimes, it's ok to go ahead and eat a very small portion of that bad stuff.   Anyway, if I don't stop here, I will never stop typing...so I'll just finish with...what started out as a long week with too much to process, for my sweet hubby and I, has turned out to be a week full of blessings and revelations. Life is good. (and then I think of Haiti...my heart goes out to the people of Haiti and I wish that my sweet hubby and I could do something and/or more to help than just donate to Red Cross. But at least that's something... sigh....)
ldswims

ldswims

3
 

01/14/10: A blog for the blogs

I love reading everyone's blogs because I find out a lot of information. I am not reading too much about other people that are stuck in the unweightloss program from he!! just like me - and I kinda wish I were. But I can go back to some other blogs and see what they were thinking/saying/feeling back then and I say "ok". But I do get a sense from all the other bloggers out there what it will be like when I'm done with this and waiting on approval. I do get a sense from all the other bloggers out there what it will be like to finally get a date. I do get a sense from all the other bloggers out there what it will be like to have the surgery. I do get a sense from all the other bloggers out there what the healing will be like. I do get a sense from all the other bloggers out there what the initial weightloss might be like. I do get a sense from all the other bloggers out there what it will be like at six months and then a year and with each 10 pound loss, etc.   I try to make my blog be pertinent and about life and I don't know that I pull it off. But I try...   And my thougts today are not that I need to add another blog (like so many of the others) saying something to the effect of:   "I lost another pound yesterday which means, I'm down 3 for the "month" (which for me started on the 7th) and that's significant to me because I'm at that time of my cycle where I should be gaining. I'm bloated as all get out and my jeans are still loose on me. I just need to keep this going..."   No. I don't need to add that. But it seems like the "recipe book for Bandster blogs" states that you must say how many pounds in how many days. And isn't that a given, on this website of all websites, that we are here to proclaim we lost weight?   Instead, I want to say, today, that somehow, I'm at peace with this danged program that I think is such a joke (sounds like it, eh?). I'm closer to done than not. On the one hand, I want so much to move on. I can't exercise or my weightloss will get out of control and that could be bad. Might not be, but could be. But I WANT to! I want to be walking - because I already feel better with what little I've done. I want to be lifting weights, because I already feel better with what I've done. And "with what I've done" I mean the weight that I've lost already - and it's not much. I am struggling to not exercise. Really struggling. Is anyone else dealing with this?   I want to say that this process, this path has led me to examine other things in my life. And like so many other bloggers/bandsters - this is my year for change. I am cleaning out the proverbial closet and throwing skeletons away. I'm not really sure why I was even hanging onto them. Turning over new stones and leaves and I feel very very fortunate that I'm doing these things at 34.   I keep reading blogs about details. But not about the why's behind them. Those why's tell the story - and they might help someone else in this process.   Why am I losing weight without trying? Because I'm focusing on protein. Not ketosis. I still eat my starches amongst all the other "shoulds" and even a few of the "should-nots". But my protein was way too low for way too long. Who knew that protein intake can matter more than fat intake!   I feel like this year is the year I get back on track. I'm not even sure what the track is - track sounds so uni-directional. But in multiple arenas of my life, I've just been trying and trying and trying to swim upstream in a river that's overflowed it's banks. I got so far off course...I couldn't even begin to tell you where the river once flowed. And I'm not going to try that anymore. I'm going to try something else now. To me, the band represents a new approach. In each of the stones my husband and I are turning over, there are new approaches being discovered. That's the nice thing about life - there is no "one" way to do anything. And if what you are doing doesn't work - find a new way. An obstacle pops up? Go around it - the view from that approach may just be better.
ldswims

ldswims

2
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