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About this blog

This blog is for me and anyone who wants to read it. I can be quite long-winded at times, so be ware. :wink2: This blog will chronicle my experience from start to finish, which means it will never end so long as I am alive. :rolleyes2:

Entries in this blog

 

11/17/09: I seem to have inadvertently misplaced a few pounds

So I am on the "unweightloss" program right now. When I finally was able to see my insurance company's policy regarding weightloss surgery I read in exact terms this: Failure of medical management including evidence of active participation within the last two years in a weight-management program that is supervised either by a physician or a registered dietician for a minimum of six months without significant gaps. This is frustrating to say the least. I WANT TO LOSE WEIGHT. I WANT TO LOSE WEIGHT NOW. AND I WANT TO LOSE WEIGHT FOR GOOD.   I am seriously struggling with this. In fact, with just changing my diet and not even my exercise levels, I seem to have misplaced TEN pounds over the past four days! I knew it was coming. My weight issues have always revolved around my hormone inbalances created by being a wonderful glorious woman (said dripping with sarcasm). Once a month - lasting for about a week - no matter what I do, I can't lose a single ounce. Once a month - lasting for about three days - no matter what I do, I gain five to seven pounds. And for the rest of the month, the weight melts off of me when I am behaving. Before I really discovered the trends and understood my body, this would get frustrating beyond all get out. But it's not so frustrating anymore. Now I can muscle down and just keep doing what I'm doing and know that when my hormones balance back out, I will be down.   I have said before that my weight gains have always come when I get off of birth control. It's that hormone fluctuation that makes my body go crazy. So I'm off birth control, I'm regular, and I'm "normal", too. HA!   I knew, because of where I am in my cycle, that I'd see a drop this week. I WAS NOT EXPECTING THAT DROP TO BE TEN FRIGGIN POUNDS!   That TEN pounds puts my BMI below 40 - therefore making me ineligible. So...I have to gain it back.   Yes, you heard me. I have to gain it back. I really have no choice.   Unless I forego this and say "I can do this by myself". I have no doubt that "I can do this by myself". I do doubt that I can keep it off by myself. Which is why I'm here.   :thumbup: I WANT TO LOSE WEIGHT. I WANT TO LOSE WEIGHT NOW. AND I WANT TO LOSE WEIGHT FOR GOOD.   Sigh.   I don't want to gain it back. I DON WANNA!   THIS IS SO STUPID! :biggrin:
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ldswims

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10/14/09: I like to blog!!!

I'm a nut. I'm weird. I LIKE to blog. I even like it when people read my blogs. I like it even more when people comment on my blogs.   Today's blog is all about what I have not had in two days.   A SODA!   I'm a Dr. Pepper junkie. I think that is truly my worst habit. And I know that where ever I go with this - I NEED TO GIVE IT UP!   It may or may not be the root of my problems - but it doesn't matter. Just the expense should be enough to be happy about giving it up!   When I went in for my first weight loss appointment last week I told the NP that I was going to start working on this, figuring, I've got six months to ween myself.   And over the weekend, I did actually drink less soda. And I thought to myself, well, if I can keep this up, by the time we work through all the twelve packs we have saved for moving into the refrigerator that holds nothing but soda, well, I should be able to make it last for six months.   I don't drink soda at work. Don't buy them out of the vending machines and don't bring one with me. Usually, I get home and grab one on the way into the house (that "soda refrigerator" is in the garage).   Monday - I didn't grab one. Nor did I ever go out there to get one.   Tuesday - I didn't grab one. Nor did I ever go out there to get one.   To me, this is like quitting smoking. I quit smoking cold turkey when I'd decided enough was enough. Just quit. And never really looked back. About two days into that, I realized I was fine. And I've never picked up another cigarette since then. I have been a non-smoker now for four years. Ironically, my lung capacity has decreased...but that's neither here nor there.   So. I'm thinking, if I'm two days without a soda now - and I'm fine with it - then maybe it's all good. Not craving one. Not missing one. Not anything about soda. I might just give them all away! Or not. Who knows.   But what I do know is this is awesome to me!   So far, about a week into my "supervised weight loss" - I've cut all my meals down to half. Half a breakfast. Half a lunch. Half a dinner. But not half the water...and now I'm working on three days of no soda...YAY!
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12/28/09: Christmas is over?

Is Christmas really over? I guess since I'm back to work and everything is now gearing up for bringing in the New Year, I suppose that does mean that Christmas really IS over. :drool:   I had a great Christmas. We spent Christmas Eve evening with my husband's father's side of the family. Aside from having to drive almost an hour and a half each way to get there, it was a good time. We spent Christmas day at home. Mostly. Christmas morning we were home together. That afternoon we got together with our neighbors for a feast. They cooked a turkey and I cooked a prime rib roast. I also did my cauliflower gratin - which is one of my all time fave dishes! In addition to that, I did a batch of my stuffing, my cranberry relish and my green bean casserole which people say is "just different and better" than theirs. I use fresh green beans and I'm sure it's how I cook those green beans that makes the difference. We sat down to our meal around 3 and ate and ate and ate.   We played games well into the night and my sweet hubby and I had to run home for about an hour in the middle of that to get our stuff ready for Saturday's festivities. We were commissioned to bring our stuffed jalapenos so we got them stuffed and baked and headed back over for more games.   Saturday it was almost impossible to get up. We should have been leaving our house around 9 as our destination was 3 hours away and lunch was scheduled for 1pm. But we didn't even get out of bed until 10. And we didn't get to the destination until 2:30.   The destination was a small town on the outskirts of hill country here in Texas. We were having a family reunion Christmas party and this was the first year in over a decade where all members of the family were present. One wife and new baby and one girlfriend on the verge of becoming fiance were missing. I have finally met all of my sweet hubby's family. We got there at 2:30 and as is usual, lunch still had not happened. We ate around 3. Again with turkey but this time it was accompanied by ham and brisket. And lots of fixin's, of course.   I was pretty good on Saturday about not hitting the candy, cakes, pies, and sweets in general. I did eat my home made concoctions on Christmas day...   We were at that party until well after 10pm and then we headed back to the MIL's house. There the BIL and his wife, MIL and her husband and my husband and I sat down for our gift exchange. My homemade craftiness elicited many excited shouts of glee. I was actually surprised a bit as I had anticipated my MIL being way more "ooh and ahh" about it all but it was my SIL that was jumping up and down saying "YOU DID THIS?" Her craftiness has led to entrepreneurialism and so her compliments and amazement were flattering to me.   We finally crashed around 1am and were up bright and early at 9 for breakfast and then church. My MIL is the organist at her church and with all of her family in town many of us descended on her church. One of her brothers played as well, MIL on the organ and her brother on the piano. She had premade casseroles for each of us as SIL can't eat dairy, I dislike grits - and my hubby - her oldest son - LOVES grits. The casserole made with me in mind was a hashbrown casserole stuffed with scrambled eggs, sausage and bacon. While I love it - I had to tell her when she asked if it was good that I hope she understands she can't keep making these things for me. It was way more hash browns than anything else. Don't worry, I said it with tact and compliments as I do like the stuff. But I have also gotten to the point where anything but my smoothie in the morning just causes problems.   And yesterday was a case in point. Having had ALL that heavy starch first thing in the morning with not nearly enough protein in it to balance it out...I was FAMISHED all day long!   After church we headed over to one of the uncle's homes for lunch which was tacos and fajitas. I ate far more of all that than I would normally. Sweet hubby and I got on the road for Houston around 4 yesterday afternoon and after all that eating, I STILL wanted dinner last night, too. Got salads, though, so that was better than it could have been.   After three days of no scale activity I got on the scale this morning and saw a one pound rise. I had anticipated more, especially after yesterday. But I am not convinced this pound will stick as there are some issues working that when resolved will show a drop. Enough said on that one. :crying:   But here I am - after Christmas with things settling and only a pound to show for it. I did have this attitude this year of 'I'm just gonna eat and enjoy cause next year I'll have to worry about PB's and everything else' so I've actually eaten more cookies than I normally do. It's been odd. I know I'll still be able to eat cookies. I just don't know that I'll want to. And so I decided to enjoy! I'm still down from my last weigh in and I have my next one next Thurs. So when my issue works itself out, I know I'll be down even more. I know my issue is related to not having drank nearly enough water over the past four-five days. And now that I'm back to work, that will change.   It's been a wonderful Christmas this year - although way too busy. I think I will make gifts again - but I'm starting them in January. I think we will attend parties again - but not all of them. We have done too much driving over the past four days and while that was beneficial for knitting scarves, it was just too much time in the car. Visits were too short and my hubby and I are just thoroughly exhausted at this point. And the stressful part there is I'm not sure when we will catch up on sleep as we have more festivities, of course, this weekend - and travel, too. Our efforts to "have Christmas at home" have apparently made Christmas more stressful. :thumbup: So the feeling now...is that Christmas will be spent elsewhere. No more to-ing and fro-ing...that's what I say! Either that...or we move! :thumbdown:
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11/08/09: I had an interesting break through yesterday...

Weekends are always the hardest time for me to continue watching what I eat, I think. During football season the downfall is beer and bar food. During the rest of the year the downfall is beer and bar food, but on a lesser scale.   When you are sitting in front of the fantabulous tv we spent a fortune on last year you want to eat chicken wings and french fries. And you reason to yourself - how often does football season come along? Come on, enjoy...   Ok...so not really. I'm exagerating. I generally can't sit still long enough to watch a game with my husband and I'm generally bouncing into the kitchen to make some something or another for the guys that accumulate in front of the amazingly fantabulous tv that cost a fortune.   But I had a breakthrough nonetheless.   Saturday mornings I can usually claim that tv for myself while the hubby snoozes away the morning. And I will watch one or two of the shows that I have dvr'ed over the week while I can.   So yesterday, I sat down to watch one of those shows, all nuzzled up in a cozy throw with my doggie curled up in my arms. I was happy as a clam and snug as a bug in a rug. It's things like that that make me proclaim "I love the fall!"   Towards the end of watching that show, an hour long but when you count in the fast forwarding through commercials, it turns into 40 minutes, I started to think to myself I've got the munchies.   And then I asked myself the best question I've ever come up with for anything in life.   "Why?"   And I couldn't answer it. There was no answer. I was not hungry. I'd had a great breakfast and it was holding me over. It was nowhere near time for lunch. And when I realized all of that - I was fine.   I went on with my morning. When the show was finished I moved myself to my computer to take care of the bills and such. As I was sitting here thinking about things, I realized I had the munchies again. By this time, I had eaten lunch and I had a fantastic glass of water sitting beside me.   I interrupt this program to say "I have not had a soda in over two weeks now!"   Back to the program at hand. So I ask myself again - that most awesome-ist of questions...   "Why?"   And I got the same result.   I couldn't answer it. There was no answer. I was not hungry. I'd had a great lunch and it was holding me over. It was nowhere near time for dinner. And when I realized all of that - I was fine.   From there the day progressed. Through watching football and the rest of the afternoon, I never did have a munchie moment again.   I ate a dinner that was fantastic and quite satisfying.   And then the day was over.   I always munch on Saturday's and Sunday's!   Today was not so successful. I made home made snickerdoodles last weekend. We freeze our cookies and pull out what we want when we want them. But when you have to thaw a cookie it makes you question whether you really want it - if you even remember they are there. So I had two cookies today.   I did not eat a satisfying breakfast or lunch today and that equated to "needing" something this afternoon. But when I realized that, I did go for a more protein rich snack.   So...interesting...   Ironically, I generally give myself credit for being someone that doesn't eat unless I'm hungry. My mom said that about me, actually. But in this journey to being overweight, I am discovering, I rewrote my definition of hunger.   I'd call that a break through.   Can I get back to my once upon a time mentality?
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11/19/09: Another day

Oddly, this blog is helping me get through the six months. So if you get tired of my drivel, I understand - but this is entirely about getting through this and keeping my momentum, right now anyway.   Between this blog and reading everyone else's - I'm learning a lot and generally keeping my mind occupied on something other than my impatience.   I am impatient.   Yesterday was Wednesday. Today is Thursday. That's progress! I like progress!   Why is this progress? Because sometimes one little ol' day is enough to comfort me. Yesterday - Dec 7th seemed so very far away. Dec 7th is my next weigh in. Dec 7th is, in some realm or another, my midway point for the unweightloss program. So how does going from Weds to Thurs make me feel better?   Because Weds is hump day. It's that day that's not leading into the week and it's not leading out of the week. It's just there. It was my hump day before vacation. So now I'm on the downhill slide for the week and vacation is looming.   Next week will be different. I won't be preoccupied about this - because I'll be preoccupied about something else.   And then I'll come back and have one measly week before my next weigh in. And therefore (knowing myself as I do) that will be a quick week! Couple the excitement of midway with returning from vacation and being slammed with "crap, I'm back at work" - it will be a quick week.   And then it's Christmas season, anyway. And time will fly! I'll be begging for the days when all I could do is sit here and think about this because time will speed up in the next week to something a bit beyond a blur.   So really, one day changes everything for me.   I know, I've got this whacky count down thing and now one day means it's the end of the year and I'm half way through my unweightloss program. But work with me here. If this makes me feel better - let me have it. Cause I feel better now.   All I can say is I hope there are people on this planet who don't have to twist calendars and clocks to get 'feel better' moments.
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11/07/09: I love the fall!

I live in Texas where we don't get a winter at all. With that said - we do have these cold fronts come throught that can leave the temperature barely climbing above 45. That is chilly - and it's fantastic.   I am the type of person that when it starts to get cold like that, I open the window and start fires in the fireplace while jumping for joy.:huh2:   So it's fall. We generally hover around the mid-high 70's and temps at night are wonderful for having the windows open. Still not fireplace weather - but it's coming. If we were to sit outside at night chatting with friends, however, we might light a chiminea. The scent of smoke wafting through the neighborhood always makes my heart jump for joy - "winter" is coming! :smile2:   Between the cooling weather and football - it's just such a wonderful time of year. My husband and I are addicted to football! This time of year, it's on at all hours of the day and night from Thurs-Mon. We save our household projects until January when football season is really just in championship mode and they games become few and far between.   Here in Texas, our leaves are starting to turn. Seems early to me this year. Not that our leaves rival New England - they don't even slightly - but they can still get quite colorful and it makes me look around in anticipation - what color will I see next? What tree will go stark first? (That's what I call the bare trees - not dormant, the proper term, but stark. Seems less scientific and is more like how I feel about them - stark = a blank canvas.)   As much as I love the fall, I love winter more. I lived in Chicago for a year while in the Navy and I loved the winter there. I grew up in California and they have less winter there than we do here in Texas, although we certainly did have cold days and nights. Finally, I lived in Hawaii for three years, also in the Navy - and they certainly do not have a winter there. :thumbup: I had a hard time with that there, actually. It's hard to appreciate the beauty of the islands all the time when the flowers are always blooming, for example. There were very subtle differences - night time temps would drop into the 60's, for example, and wave activity would increase. It still wasn't a winter, though.   One of the things I love about winter so much is the trees being blank canvases for what's next. That starkness I was talking about a moment ago. All these branches and limbs hanging around, sleeping, just waiting for the day when they can start afresh. It's refreshing to me - the starkness of winter. It means to me, that the world around me is in anticipation for what happens next. I love, mostly, the journey of seeing what will happen next. Sometimes the next thing is bad - and then I'm not so happy, but generally, good things are in store, I believe. And somehow, for me, winter is the mark between a good thing completed and the next new thing to come.   It doesn't hurt that it's so very cold at night and I can open the windows and sleep like a baby with no AC on. It doesn't hurt that I don't even have to have the windows open to have the fire in the fireplace as "winter" moves on.   With fall in full swing and the holidays lurking around the corner, I just woke up this morning with the thought - I am just so happy to be moving into this time of year!   Don't get me wrong - I miss the summer. I miss being able to jump in my pool on a daily basis and I will be quite happy when the weather gets back to hot hot hot because I love love love my swimming!   But this fall and the approaching "winter" have me thinking about what's in store. This time next year I hope to be banded. This time next year I hope to not have to be scared to exercise for fear that I will lose too much weight. This time next year I hope to be outside enjoying this wonderful weather quite simply because I will have lost enough weight that my feet will no longer kill me just for thinking of being on them. This time next year I hope that just like the trees losing their leaves - I will be moving into the next season of my life!
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12/11/09: Ugh...

I feel like I have been the walking textbook of contagious disease. At least I am finally back to walking...   It's been crazy, that much I know. Last week I ended up with the first migraine I'd had in over two years. Surprising.   Over the weekend - felt great and fine.   Monday morning, nice and early I was hit with something but for the life of me, couldn't figure out what it was...   Food poisoning didn't make sense. Nothing I ate made anyone else sick. And the lapse between the last meal and onset of symptoms was far too great. But the flu didn't make sense either. No exposure to it and while some symptoms were present, others were not.   Went home sick Monday. Tuesday felt much better but still could not eat and so ended up with a overall feeling of lethargy. Went home sick Tuesday, too. Made it through more of the day, though.   Tuesday night after sleeping for hours and hours and hours I thought I could eat. So hubby obligingly went and got me the meal du jour. I ate it. It was good. I was happy.   Wednesday morning way before bright and early I knew that was a wrong choice.   Wednesday I just stayed home and vowed to go to the doc. My PCP couldn't see me, her schedule was full - but another doc in the practice had availability. GREAT! Just don't make me pay the urgent care fee - I'll be happy to see anyone for my normal copay.   Wednesday morning, as I was trying to get to sleep in between hourly trips to the restroom, it occurred to me - this might be gastroenteritis.   Wednesday afternoon it was confirmed.   I was told it was viral which meant I could take some OTC's to relieve the most annoying symptom of all. I was also given a scrip for phenargen so that I could start to ingest water and watered-down-gatorade. I was also told to stay home on Thurs as it was quite contagious.   Thursday, feeling better and finally rested, I started to come down with a cold that I knew was lurking in the sidewings. Apparently with enough energy to consume, NOW the cold feels like it can make it's presence known. So today is the stuffed up, coughing, aching (which has been there all along), can't breathe day. Oh well. I'll take this over the last thing if I've got no other choice...   Since Monday at 6:30 am I have lost 10 pounds. SOOOOO not how I wanted to lose 10 pounds! We'll see where I end up when things "normalize". Is this my 10 pounds for the month leaving me with the option of eating-what-I-want-over-Christmas?
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12/16/09: I had this realization...

I had this realization yesterday that I am getting closer and closer to something. I am past the halfway point of this ridiculous program and I am also moving further and further away from that halfway point... And like with Thanksgiving where I ended up finally getting too busy to think about it all...time is flying. I realized yesterday that by the time the holiday dust settles, it will be time for appointment number four.   Appointment number four means I have only two more remaining. And I seem to gather from the people that have to do this that the last two months actually do fly by - especially the last month. But all of the sudden, yesterday, I realized, I AM making progress.   I don't know what I weigh right now. That's frustrating. Every time I eat something, I end up back in the bathroom. Still not 100% after last week and I'm sure this cold isn't helping. But the scale is all over the place right now, just like my body. It's very strange....   As for my crafts, things are plugging along. I have about five scarves left to make. And this weekend I have blocked out at least 8 hours for etching all my glass. I should get the glass done this weekend (and hopefully even wrapped) and 2 of the 5 scarves don't have to be ready until Dec 31. So I'm calming down as I'm realizing I'm going to be alright...   It also feels good to have the house decorated finally. That was something that just didn't seem to be coming together this year, which is very odd! We get a live (or rather a dead) tree and because it's a live (dead) tree and it's just going to lose needles we've always gotten them 2 weeks before Christmas. It's up for two weeks and then one week after Christmas and by then it really is fuel. But the tree is the last thing up. The weekend after Thanksgiving we get our outside lights up and put all the rest of the decorations out.   Outside lights got up. And that was that.   And then I started to go crazy with the crafts.   And then I got sick.   And still the decorations didn't get out. Hubby had very dutifully gotten everything out of the attic when he got the lights out. But all the boxes sat in the garage for the longest time...   This past weekend all the decorations finally got themselves out and situated (mostly). It's so weird to feel like this Christmas just has no momentum. But that's what it feels like. Don't want to spend money, don't want to travel, don't want to...anything, really. I am enjoying the parties but it's just off. And it's weird.   I also have this persistent thought in my head about what this time next year will be like. Will I be banded? Will I have lost weight? Will I be more willing to spend money? Will I still have a job? Will I...anything?   I haven't told anyone this (will tell my hubby but no one else) but I decided on Monday I wanted to take pictures to send a photo card as our Christmas card this year. So we took the pic Monday night and got the cards ordered. They will arrive today and we will get them in the mail this weekend (nothing like the last minute Christmas card). I HATE the way I look in pics right now. And I have NEVER sent a photo card before. But I wanted to send one this year. I know my family thinks I'm hideous (and so do I) but I WANT them to see the "before". I just hope that this time next year I can take some pics that are showing movement towards the "after".   So will I be banded? You see...just about everything I do this year for Christmas is equating to "what will it be like this time next year?" Go to a Christmas party? Oh, all right. But I don't have anything cute, fun and festive to wear. And I certainly don't want to buy anything. I don't want to spend the money AND I don't want to buy this size AND nothing is flattering anyway! So what will it be like next year?   I hate this, to be honest. I like to live my life now. I like to live my life today. And I feel like I'm in this holding stage - being held hostage by the insurance company - where I have to just sit here and wait to start living my real life. I JUST WANT TO LOSE WEIGHT!   Ugh.   I guess this is turning into a rant fest and for that I am sorry. Sure didn't start out with that intention...   Oh well. As frustrated and irriated as I am, I am still enjoying myself. It's just not the normal feelings, that's all. It doesn't help that one of our friends in our tightnit neighborhood is moving away all the way to Iowa. They basically have their house all packed and ready to go as the truck arrives to haul their stuff off on Dec 26th and they want to enjoy Christmas at this point. So we are trying to get together nightly for dinner - and these are the super skinny peeps that don't understand why not everyone can eat 5 servings of various carb dishes a meal. Althought I'm actually not worried about the eating aspect - I'm finding that I am making good choices. No desert...small, if any, servings of ONE carb...   It will be good to go back to my own cooking, though. I DO love to cook!   And so here I am. I think the Christmas season has me firmly in it's grip....
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10/29/09: Can I?

Can I eat sushi (on occasion)?   Can I drink black coffee (Monday-Friday)?   Can I eat rice with my favorite Japanese rice topping (on occasion)?   Can I drink a soda (on occasion)? I suspect soda will soon stop tasting good to me and so don't think I'll really miss this, but I'm just wondering...   Can I eat a small sandwich of wheat bread and turkey for lunch (on occasion)?   How long will I have to not lift weights following surgery?   Can I lose this weight?   For good?
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10/12/09: And so it goes...

Thursday night last week I went to the seminar. I don't know that it would have ever been required of me but I'm so glad I went. My husband went with me. And we both learned a lot. A lot almost seems like an understatement. And what's weird, was I already knew a lot - but it makes a difference hearing it from the surgeon. It makes a difference being able to ask questions of someone QUALIFIED to answer the questions.   My husband learned a lot, too. And my husband and I both learned that he is on the border of being eligible for this himself.   He thinks he can lose the weight on his own - by following the "diet" I am doing and continuing with his exercise program that he likes. I think there is potential for his yo-yo'ing to continue, though. I also think if we were doing this together, at the same time, on the same page - that would make it "easier". If we both had to do the liquid diet at the same time, for example, t'would be "easier" than if I do it and then six months later, he does it. If we both do the six month supervised weight loss together, t'would be easier, than if I do it and then he starts his program.   He is like me - I KNOW he can lose the weight. But he's gained it back before, like me, multiple times.   There is no easy answer for this, that's for sure.   I surely can't push or cajol or try to convince him. He needs to decide on this for himself and no matter what he decides, I am and will always be by his side - just like he is for me. And no matter what, I know he is just as in this as I am.   We had a long conversation this morning and some last night about cleaning out our pantry, about changing our approach to grocery shopping, about setting a menu on a Sunday, for example, doing our grocery shopping accordingly, and what we will no longer buy. Before I met my husband I was not an impulse buyer. I was also not in the shape I am currently, either. :wub: After I met my husband, I was able (as we wifes do) to retrain some habits - mostly not buying the little debbie crap and things like that. But he retrained me, too (as husbands do) and I now keep chips on hand, whereas the single me would not have. I now keep a second freezer full of meat and a second refrigerator full of sodas. We now both completey agree with each other that we quite simply CANNOT DO THAT!   I grew up eating well, cooking well, exercising frequently (some might say too much), and generally active even when not exercising. From the age of four through high school I was on a swim team and I was good. I still am. I had to be on two sports teams all the time and the second thing bounced around from soccer to basketball to volleyball. Around junior high I switched to drill team and chearleading as my second thing. Around high school I was just doing swimming and drill and in my spare time I was in the choir and drum line.   My mom ALWAYS steamed our vegetables - they were not soaked in broth and bacon fat or cheese or anything else. My mom always baked our fish and chicken - it was never fried and very rarely was it poached. We ate very small servings of carbs, if at all. We did not keep sodas in the house - we drank sugar free cool aid. I didn't eat my first dorito until I was 8 years old - and while it was good, I didn't care about them.   And then I went in the Navy. Who in the world goes in the military to see their activity level DECREASE? Their food quality go bad? Their portions go up?   The Navy is aware, though, that they have a problem. They were aware then and they were trying to fix it. But suffice it to say, in the Navy - I gained weight. In the Navy, in BOOT CAMP of all places, I lost a LOT of muscle tone which was my first step in the wrong direction.   Anywho.   I know how to do this. That's the story there. I have spent more of my life living healthy than not. However, add in some hormone complications of my late 20's and here I am...unable to lose it AND keep it off. And sadly, it, in the last year or so, has gotten to the point where I think, apparently, that if I'm going to look like this, I might as well eat what I want. And that's the part that's changing NOW!   So Friday, I went to my first "weight loss appointment". I met the Nurse Practitioner in the new place - the practitioner that will be following me for my six months of supervised weight loss and exercise. I like her. Friendly. Non-judgemental. And straight forward.   And she said - you already know what to do. So do it. And I'll see you in a month.   She didn't sit there and preach to me about the importance of portion control. About the importance of balanced meals. About the importance of not drinking sodas. About the importance of exercise. She said "YOU ALREADY KNOW".   And she's right. We ALL do.   I read on here somewhere last week "If you want to know how to lose weight - ask a fat person" and that is so true. We KNOW how to lose it. We can't keep it OFF!   I told a "friend" that Saturday night - a skinny girl who eats FIVE, yes FIVE pieces of PIE in one night and doesn't gain an inch and yet is always trying to lose weight - and she scoffed at me like :confused:. So I asked her - knowing she is ALWAYS wanting to lose weight - do YOUR "diets" work? No. See. Mine DO. I just can't KEEP it off. And hopefully this is the tool to help me be able to.   Her answer. "Whatever". She seems to think that human beings cannot live on restricted calories. Since she can't (and doesn't need to) therefore no one should/could.   Anyway...   Friday was good. I was happy to be getting everything OFFICIALLY started. I go back on Nov 5 for the next check in. Now time seems to have slowed down.   In the meantime - I should be able to pick up the letter of medical necessity from my PCP this week. Since my OB/GYN is someone with ongoing care, I should get a letter from him, too. I see him later this month. I need to also see a cardiologist since I have had issues with heart palpitations in the past. I see him later this month, as well. Finally, I've started trying to get into do my psych consult as well - although that's not been easy. I got a list of In-Network Providers from my insurance company and when I attempted to call SIX different practices on Friday, they were ALL closed for the day! Seriously. Not ONE mental health practitioner in my area works on Friday? Really? Whatever. My goal is to be able to turn in as much as possible when I go back on Nov 5th.   This weekend was strangely emotional to me, though. Friday I was excited, happy, and certain. Saturday morning as I was waking up I was vaguely depressed. I just kept thinking in the back of my pea brain - no more bread EVER? But by the time I was fully awake I was back to my normal opinion - whatever. I am not a bread-aholic...   Saturday night, had friends over for dinner - and skinny minny stood there in my family room judging me. I've had issues with her judgements already and am now of the opinion that she is just not ever going to understand.   Sunday I had the vaguely depressed notions coming up again as I realized - no 'this', no 'that'. How to juggle this and that. Can I really not just do this on my own? That skinny minny got to me.   Finally got to talk to my hubbie last night and he thinks that I CAN do this on my own - but thinks that this might also be a fail safe that would be worth it in the long run. He thinks that I should nevermind that skinny minny and chalk this up to experience. He thinks that no matter what, I should do this six month thing and then make a better informed decision then.   So I woke up this morning thinking - we need to change how we grocery shop. We need to change our pantry. We need to change our refrigerators. And I need to go back to what my mom taught me, what I was raised with, what I know. And my hubbie is along for the ride. He's such a great man!
ldswims

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12/21/09: What a wonderful time of the year...

I love Christmas. I love the hustle and the bustle of all the preparations and I love the feeling of togetherness that develops as the season wears on.   This weekend was a particularly fantastic weekend! Friday night my hubby and I met up with one of his oldest friends and his girlfriend who were visiting from Denver. We went to our favorite Mexican place and ordered the world's most fantastic fajitas. I could only eat one. Wow!   Saturday I spent the day baking and candy-making. I baked up two batches of my family recipe of sugar cookies which probably makes up 140 some odd cookies. I baked up two batches of gingerbread men (another 60 cookies). I baked up three batches of pecan butter balls (my fave - and another 80 cookies). I made up three bathces of english toffee (about 300 pieces). And finally, I made up two batches of fudge - one with nuts, one without.   I was on my feet in the kitchen for 15 hours.   After all that - I can pretty much bet I will eat barely any of it. I don't sample while I cook. I don't nibble while I bake. I don't eat bits and pieces while I decorate. Almost all of this will get given away. Somewhere around the 27th of December I will wander into the kitchen and grab a glass of milk and a pecan butter ball. And then it will all be over and I'll grab 2 or 3 each day until they are gone. But by the time I start, there will only be about 10-20 left and so this won't last very long for me. I can't explain it - but if I make the stuff, I don't eat the stuff. If I leave it for someone else to do...I will nibble on the stuff then.   Furthermore, I spent so much time in the kitchen doing all this that I burned off two pounds. Add those two to being down because of the gastroenteritis two weeks ago and I'm really down for the month. So I can eat those pecan butter balls and not feel too badly for it. Wouldn't it be nice, though, if I weren't trying to lose this weight for good? If just in the normal cycle of things I lost weight and then put it back on...because I was trying to maintain a weight? Wouldn't that be awesome?!?!   I have a whole collection of tins I've bought through the getting ready for the season outtings and my hubby and I will load those up with a sampling of the goodies and then take them around to friends and family. We are giving out about 20 tins and 40 baggies this year. I'm telling you...there won't be much left for us.   I have always baked like this. My mom did this when I was a wee little one and when I was about 2 she started putting me to work. When I moved out and got set up - I couldn't not bake and make so I kept it up even while she was doing her own batches. Most years we were back together and did all this together but there were two where we did things separately and then joined up for the holiday. But now, with my mom gone, I'm glad I never lost momentum on this. It IS an undertaking and it WOULD be so easy to say "not this year". But the first year I say that will be the year after the last year I do this. And I won't give this up. Especially since this has never been a source of weight gain - I don't eat the stuff.   Ok...I do nibble on a piece or two of the toffee and a piece or two of the fudge. And I do eat the pecan butter balls. But I very honestly do not eat very much of it and I have never gained weight from it because the calories do come off of other items through the days and the activity level is way up right now, anyway.   But I won't give this up...Saturday night, after hubby and I slaved away and got the kitchen back to clean we (literally) crawled into the hot tub, which we were wise enough to start heating at just the right point so that the hot tub was perfectly ready exactly when we were. While we were sitting in the very perfect water on a very chilly night we were chatting away at each other, as we do. And he told me...he loves that I do this.   Anywho. I won't give this up - even when I have a band that is so friggin tight I can't drink water - I will STILL be in the kitchen baking and candy-making!   (Hopefully I am never in a situation where the band I will have next year is so tight I can't drink water. I'll have other issues then...and might have to say - I'll bake tomorrow but not today.) :cursing:   Sunday was another fantastic day. We got to see the oldest friend and his girlfriend again for a brunch. The brunch was at the friend's parents house and it was great to catch up with his parents. After the brunch we took them up to the airport since we live much closer to it than his parents do and were on our way there anyway. And from there I went home and got to work on my etching. I am loving all of this glass. Each piece I have done I want to KEEP FOR MYSELF! It's all so beautiful. And I just hope that the people I give this stuff to appreciate it! Each piece is personalized in two ways. One - in the design I pick out and two - I am putting their monogram on, as well.   And so here we are, on Monday. Back at work with nothing to do...I'm just waiting for today, tomorrow and Wednesday to be over so that I can finish getting all this stuff made and then wrapped - so that it can be unwrapped. I do hope this year is good for smiles. I love giving gifts more than I love receiving gifts and I think I've got a great year on my hands - I just hope it pans out as I think it will.   What a wonderful time of the year!
ldswims

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01/18/10: And here we are...

It's a Monday. It's January 18th. That's about all I can say today.   To those that say the last month or two of the danged "unweightloss" program go by fast - go to friggin heck! This is way slower than it used to was.   The first four months I could sit there and think about everything else - still about the band, but it was everything else. But now, I'm in this kind of almost like agony just wondering if this is all for not. Will I even get approved for surgery? Will I have to go through years of appeals? Will this even happen?   I know, years of appeals is exagerating. We hope.   I have two and a half weeks until my next weigh in. And then presumably four more weeks until my last weigh in. Seems like I should be excited about, conceivably, just six and a half more weeks to go. And yet it feels like torture. Because I don't even know what will happen after these six and a half weeks.   In other news, I got my bloodwork results back. I still have high cholesterol. No surprise there. But what IS surprising is that it's not nearly as high as it used to was. It is already coming down. I sure didn't see that coming. I'm supposed to go check in with my PCP about this, but, you know...it's coming down without medical intervention. I want to get banded and see what else happens...   So there I go again...will I even get banded?   Ugh, six weeks. And that's just to finish this danged program. I thought I was at peace with it but apparently I'm not. I do, however, think I'm at a place where I can start working out again. The weight I thought I lost last week decided it missed me...which means I'm exactly where I was at my last weigh-in. I can wear lighter clothes for my next weigh-in cause it appears winter is over. From four days in freezing temps all the way to mid-70's this week. Ugh! I WANT WINTER!   Dangit Texas. Darned temperate climate....:thumbup:   Maybe I'm grumpy today. Just maybe. Spent all weekend fighting a cold and sleeping and now sweet hubby is home today with a day off - they call it a holiday at his place of employment. We are here keeping the computers whirring but I'm sooo not feeling it. Probably cause I'm grumpy. Not feeling anything other than GRRRR.   And for what. When I feel grrr, lately, I ask myself why. Does the alternative beat this? So what's my alternative. I could not be trying to get the lap-band® and I could still be struggling with my weight. Oh, wait. I am still struggling and even feeling defeated. I could not feel badly because of a cold on top of a cold I still hadn't quite beat. Oh wait, well, I'd rather NOT have the cold! I could not have a job. Ok...I'll pass on that one. I want to keep this job!   I guess I could join the ranks of BG et. al. and be plugged up. I'm tellin' you - the smoothie works wonders. I am sooo not the regular type when I don't drink the smoothie. One smoothie and one cup of coffee works wonders on me, though. We shall see what happens after the band...dangit - will I even get banded?   I'm so very all over the place and it's so very how I feel right now. I just want to know that this program is/will be worth it. I want to know that I will get banded. I want to know that life is on the mend, so to speak. I want to know that my new efforts are worth it. It doesn't help that at work I'm doing about the most mindless thing we do and it appears this is what I get to do for the next two months or so. It doesn't help because doing this mindless crap means my mind can race to other things I'd rather not even be conscious of - like will I even get banded?   At least I have a job...At least I have a job...At least I have a job...At least I have a job...At least I have a job...At least I have a job...At least I have a job...   Sigh...   And here we are...  
ldswims

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11/04/09: How is it that...

How is it that one can go from being skinny and seeing herself as fat to being fat and still see the skinny person inside?   When I was a teenager/20-something year old, I was thin and thought I was fat. It makes me sad to realize just how warped my view of myself was.   How could I not hear my friends when they called me "Barbie"? They even tried to explain to me, sincerely, why they called me that... How could I not hear the company commanders in boot camp when they called me "Miss America"? I always thought to myself - they are doing something like calling a huge man (tall AND wide) 'tiny'. I was the opposite of what they called me in my eye. How could I not understand and realize and see for myself what my mom always told me. When I walked around a mall - I'd leave men turning their heads. She always thought it was pretty neat walking around with me - because I didn't know I was even doing that.   All I REALLY heard was the rest of my family.   My uncle told me at the age of 15 I "was getting too pudgy". My aunt slapped him. Harm was done, nonetheless.   My dad called me "thunderthighs" because he "thought it was funny". Maybe it was a "joke" but harm was done, nonetheless.   My grandmother told me "I would never be able to attract a man if I continued to look like I did" (at 132 pounds which was technically underweight for my height.) Apparently she wanted me to be a waif - which I consider unhealthy.   I was smart enough to know then that waifs are unhealthy. I was not smart enough, if you will, to know that I was being pressured into "society's norms".   I was an athlete. I swam for miles. I was also in drill team. So when I wasn't swimming, I was marching for miles or dancing on football fields. Between the two activities, I had something going "all year long". And in my spare time I was in choir and drama. And in my "leftover" spare time, I was never sitting down.   I look back NOW and I KNOW I was healthy and fit and JUST FINE!   Is it wrong of me to just be mad mad mad at this family of mine?   Because somewhere in this weight gain journey I began to realize EXACTLY how off base they all were.   But. BUT. NOW....I look in the mirror...and I still see my skinny self. I look at pictures and I cannot be deceived in those cases. So I don't take pictures - and if they are taken for some horrendous reason - I DO NOT LOOK AT THEM. Who wants to see a puffed out hideous puff ball when in the minds eye, there is still a waist line? In the minds eye there are still muscular legs? In the minds eye there are still curves where curves are supposed to be.   I can still see who I used to be. Don't get me wrong - I'm not entirely delusional. I AM fat! I DO need to lose weight? I DO have fat sitting on top of muscles that used to show through easily. I DO have curves where curves should not exist. I just know NOW that once upon a time - I WAS ok.   I'm ok, you're ok, right? :smile2:   I don't want to forget that this thinking has evolved like this. I want to remember when I am at a healthy weight that HEALTHY is what looks best. I want to remember when I am at a healthy weight that I must follow my own heart. Forget my grandmother who worked in the fashion industry. Forget my uncle who thinks that women cannot be athletes and who considered muscle "pudge". Forget my dad who just didn't know better. Forget them all. It's what I think about myself that matters.
ldswims

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01/07/10: 4 months done...2 to go....

Happy New Year! Christmas is put up, and the fire place has even been cleaned out. Good thing since it's supposed to be cold in Houston this weekend! Yes, to all you wonderful yanks, I mean cold. Not a southerner/Cali-girl griping about the 60's. COLD. Not supposed to break freezing tomorrow. Low's in the teens and 20's. Windchills in the single digits. I'm lovin it!!! (I miss my year in Chicago...baffles me how I can live in hot places when I thoroughly enjoy the cold as I do...but then I love my summers, too, and being able to swim 3 "seasons" of the year!)   I had my weigh-in appointment today. Appointment number four of six. I was down 2.5 pounds, by their scale.   What's sad about that is it's more! But it's a major weather day and with temps falling to below freezing during the daylight hours, I was NOT going to wear my capris and short-sleeved shirt that I wore for my last visit. So with a sweater and slacks on, I headed for my weigh in. And to be "down" with these bulky clothes on me was good, I think.   Another good thing is it gives me wiggle room. Next month, maybe I can wear those capris and that short sleeved shirt. So I figure it will all come out in the wash.   It was just enough, too. About 2.5 pounds. Enough for them to be wow-ed again by losing weight over the holidays without a band. I keep saying it's not that I can't lose this weight. It's the fear that I have of it coming back again that is driving me to do this!   Every time my hormones adjust for any reason whatsoever, my body responds by packing on weight. I know I am as "at fault" as my hormones are because while my hormones make me hungry all the time, in those cases, it is ME that picks up the food and puts it in my mouth. I know I will have more hormone fluctuations in the future. I hope the band can be there to remind me I don't have to eat a double sized portion of pasta to feel full. I don't normally eat badly, but when I am going through a hormonal fluctuation period, I eat A LOT. And here I am.   And by hormonal fluctuation period I'm not talking about that time of the month. This happens to me when I get off the pill, for example. If anyone has been reading my blog, you've heard this before. But what is new today is that I am finally admitting my very own part in this. It's not all hormones. It's as much that as it is me giving in to the hormones even though I know better. I know that when I get pregnant that I will have a major hormonal fluctuation and my hubby and I hope to multiply that event by 2. And I know how my body responds. Some of these fluctuations have been induced by getting off the pill. Others are just getting older. But they happen. And I don't do well with combating them.   This process has been a definite one of learning. In the future, when the hormones go crazy, it will be on ME to beat them back into submission and hopefully this tool will be there to help me do that.   I have lost 15 pounds in 4 months without really trying. I am actually trying not to on some days. Haven't ever been trying to gain weight. But I'm on that precarious edge of a BMI that isn't "enough". Today I am at 41.2. I have some wiggle room.:thumbup: But not much. I had a moment this morning where I said "crap" cause I put in my normal height. I am 5'6" and 7/8. So almost all places round up - cause it looks better on paper. But, luckily, for this endeavor, places have been rounding down. To 5'6. But when I calculated the BMI - I used my "generally accepted height" and not my "for the records height". And using 5'7", I'm at 39. Using 5'6, I'm at 41. So I think I have to figure out how to slow down - not aiming for 3.5 pounds this month, aiming for 2 again.   Maybe I shouldn't wear the capris and short sleeved shirt, even if weather-wise I could, for the next visit.   I love the RNP I visited today. I think she's great. The absolute perfect mix of friendly, knowledgeable, non-judgemental, helpful; just someone great to have on your side.   I did my blood work this morning so we will see what that says. I'm sure I still have high-cholesterol. It's been high for eons but never high enough to start treating medicinally. The only other thing I had left besides two more appts was to do an EKG which she said we'd do next visit. But when she looked further into my file, since I had to get clearance from a cardiologist and I brought along the EKG from the visits with him and turned them in at a previous visit, she said we are actually good to go. So literally, all I have left is 2 appts.   The blood work was interesting. It was one of those that just left me with 'this phlebotomist needs to be fired'. She stuck me without ever feeling for a vein. And imagine that - she missed it. And then she just dug around, nicely, but digging, nonetheless, for the vein. Filled up the first vial, popped in the next. Filled up the second vial, popped in the next. Filled up the third vial, popped in the next. And in that last switch she lost the vein. So she starts digging around again! Couldn't find it so she picks up the third vial and sticks the needle in that to get blood into the fourth vial. Both the third and fourth vials did not have or need any serum, so should be ok, and since I watched it all, nothing was cross-contaminated. But I do hate that. On the other hand, my alternative was for her to stick me again and I certainly was NOT ok with that!   Nonetheless, I have this feeling of 'who can I call to report this'? Cause this stuff leads to some questionable stuff and if she'd understood how to stick someone in the first place, it all could have been avoided.   Add this to she kept me and another gentleman waiting for 20 minutes so that she could visit with a friend who dropped in to say hi. Just not stuff I'm ok with....   I suspect time will slow down for me, now. Getting through the holidays was a pretty major distraction. But luckily it's only two more months and at least this ridiculous program is over. I have no idea how this will play out or where it will all go but I can only hope. But I will feel so much better when this "unweightloss" program is behind me!   Of course, continuing to knit and etch and now sew and I need to go shopping for some cross-stitch stuff...well that might keep me distracted a little.   The etched glass was all a hit - some people I expected to say "oh, wow" and then some people I expected to say "holy moly, wow - you did this?" Namely, I expected the SIL to be the "oh wow" and the MIL to be the "holy moly, wow - you did this?". What I actually got was SIL = "holy moly, wow - you did this?" MIL = ooh, thanks.   In other news, the MIL just keeps digging herself in further and further. My sweet hubby is about done with her...although not writing her off. But he is hurt and sad, among many other things. Maybe that will be my next blog - all the crazy things she thinks and says and how it's affecting her attitude towards us. Suffice it to say that the BIL and his wife (the awesome SIL who claimed "holy moly, wow - you did this?") are feeling the same way we are. And the four of us have kind of banded together. So that's pretty cool for now...   I hope everyone is staying warm! I can't wait to get home and get a fire going in the fireplace. We buy our wood by the 1/2 cord and that generally lasts us two seasons. But this season has been a bit cooler than normal so we've gone through the wood faster and will probably have to restock that 1/2 cord within the month. That just makes me giddy with glee. I love cold and I love fires in the fireplace!   And that's about all I have...
ldswims

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10/08/09: Who's in control - me or them?

Me.   And it should be me.   This is MY life.   This is MY future.   This is MY well-being.   No one else's.   I was told yesterday to, in my own words, sit patiently by the phone and wait for THEM to call me.   I'm not patient.   Can't do it.   Won't lie and say I can.   So I searched and dawdled and explored and cajoled and got myself a phone number out of thin air.   And I called it.   And I said - I can't wait. :thumbup:   Ok, not really, I was a WHOLE LOTTA nicer than that. But that was the general jist of it.   And they made me an appt. Not for two weeks from now. Not for two weeks from two weeks from now. Nope. For TOMORROW. Friday. 10/9. At 10:30.   And here's what I know about this. My six months starts TOMORROW.   At the end of the conversation with the lady who really didn't care that I had called even though I was told not to, I asked - is this going to cause a problem? She said no, it's a good thing actually. I then asked if they'd have my paperwork on time? She said she didn't know but if they didn't they'd call the other office and get it.   Oh. Ok.   That was so NOT difficult!   I went to a friends house for dinner last night with my husband. She is recently retired and was an office manager for a asthma and allergy clinic. That clinic is a lot like this place I'm being sent to. They had offices all over Houston. So this place I'm being sent to - it seems to me they have satellite offices in all the corners of Houston and once they know you're a candidate they send you to the main office for all the workup stuff. And then when it's time for surgery, you go back to your satellite location, if you want to. And fills may or may not be done there. And support may or may not be done there. Her office was similar. It was a bunch of satellites. She said here's what happens.   The Nurse Practitioner has to get her notes done. Because she's a Nurse Practitioner, she has to get the surgeon to sign off on them. Once he does that, then the paperwork can be sent into this main office. Once it's in the main office, they will call me and schedule the appt. They generally say two weeks so that if anything goes wrong, they are covered, but it doesn't generally take that long.   She said, though - that in scenarios where offices or clinics are set up like this - they love love love people like me. Instead of sitting in a quagmire of paperwork, I'm saying "this is what I want, this is when I want it, this is how I want it" and they are happy to comply because now they aren't waiting, either, AND they know I'm serious about moving forward.   Enlightening.   So - as is generally the case - although not always, there are always exceptions - it's a good thing to be in control of my own life and my own outcome and my own future. :biggrin:   So I'm excited, eager and ready for tomorrow!
ldswims

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10/27/09: And the journey continues...

So I'm just about one month in to my six month weight loss program. HA!   HA HA HA!   I'm still not sure where this is all going to go. My employer is changing my insurance options so drastically that this might get taken off the table. My husband's employer is releasing next years options sometime this week or next and so we will see what that offers. If we switch to his insurance - it might actually make this "quicker" meaning only that I'd only have to do a three month program instead of a six month program. His employer, though, may very well be switching to something drastic like my own employer is. And the common sentiment is that this is all "designed" to force us into a public option.   Yay. Thanks.   Politics aside, yes, something DOES need to happen with our insurance companies. Politics aside, I WAS happy with my insurance policy - and yes, I was lucky to have coverage!   Anywho...   The next week or so will tell a lot.   But there is also a chance that my husband and I will go with one of the two crappy options I'm being given and this will STILL work out, too. There's a chance.   But with only chances to be embracing - it's hard to stay "motivated".   And by "motivated" I mean - to keep going to all the goll-derned appointments I have all over the place. Last week I had two. This week, I have one. Next week I have three. The following week I have one...that I know of so far. I think my supervisor is getting tired of this! I certainly am!   And as I sit here, at my desk, begging (internally) for work - but why SHOULD they give it to me? - I wonder WHY I'm going to all these appointments if there's only a sliver of a chance? Because even if the insurance works out - doesn't mean they will ACCEPT me.   On the other hand, if the insurance WILL work out - better to get these appointments taken care of while I still have the coverage I do. Less out of pocket and all that.   So, like I said, hard to stay "motivated".   Now, I'm parenthesizing that because I AM motivated to lose weight. I don't know that I am "motivated" to pursue this procedure anymore, though.   I am STILL not drinking soda. I did have one on Saturday after a long day volunteering at a children's Halloween nature festival thingy. Had a blast doing it but man oh man my feet were killing me after all was said and done. So drank a soda. It DID taste good - but I DID NOT want another one. YAY! That's huge progress. Prior to Saturday - hadn't had one since Monday and I couldn't even drink that one because it DID NOT taste good. YAY! That's progress. One soda in a week? I'd call that good!   When I got on the scale on Sunday I was DOWN four pounds. YAY!   When I got on the scale today I was UP four pounds. BOO!   Such is life. Such is the journey I have been on for years. Haven't changed a thing and yet....   Interestingly, with not drinking sodas anymore - as that's the single-handed biggest change I've made so far - my FACE looks better. It's not puffy. And I hadn't even realized THAT was what the problem was. It's interesting to see my jaw coming back out. My cheeks. Still more work to be done, but it's progress.   I LIKE PROGRESS.   Maybe tomorrow I will wake up and have magically lost those four pounds again.   Maybe.   But the general gist of my almost entire month of "supervised" weight loss is that...I STILL weigh the same as I did the day I checked in for the first time.   I guess I can say "at least I'm not gaining...."   And so the journey continues....
ldswims

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11/13/09: Oh so many thoughts

1) It's a Friday. It's the 13th. Friday-the-13th's tend to lucky days for me. I have won three contests in my life - and they've all been on Friday-the-13th's. 2) FIVE more months? REALLY? Ok. Four months and three weeks. But I want to start NOW - not play games...but here I am. I guess four months and three weeks IS better than five months IS better than six months.... 3) How to eat post-band. How will it be different than now. I struggle to get my protein now, although becoming aware of this battle has helped. In the past two days I have been getting enough. I have approached Atkins in the past as eat whatever I want - protein like. But you can't sustain that for very long without causing other problems for your body, I believe. But what if I'm incredibly selective about the proteins I select? Instead of bacon, I pick salmon. Instead of cheese cubes, I eat broccoli dipped in hummus. Can my body sustain THOSE choices longer? I wonder. When I get banded, I am supposed to follow a high protein diet. Eat protein and then if you still can eat, then eat the veggies and then if you still can eat, then eat the carbs. Well. Out of seven days, I am supposed to avoid the carbs for six. On the seventh day, I can eat those carbs. It's my "cheat" day. If I pick a Sunday, though, to be my cheat day, then my cheat day should always fall on a Sunday. So hey, everyone, get your birthdays scheduled accordingly! Sorry, just a little blithe sarcasm, there. Anywho, say it takes me a year to lose my weight. For a whole year - I have not really eaten "normally". When I get into maintenance mode, then the band would presumably be loosened a smidge. Which should mean my caloric intake might be sufficient for actually getting to eat the carbs. Wouldn't that cause my body to say "here we go again, better start hoarding?" Now, Band_Groupie pointed out to me this morning that with restriction, by default, you essentially are doing an Atkins diet. You just quite simply can't eat enough food to get ALL the necessary protein AND ingest the carbs. Fair point. But as my weight decreases my necessary intake of protein will, too. This has me wondering and I will do more research. In esseance all of this came from - you guessed it - Band_Groupie's blog! It really got me to thinking when she was blogging about not wanting to diet. She’s been there done that – and this is a lifestyle change. I agree with that whole-heartedly. And that got me to thinking – so how is doing the Atkins AGAIN, even though with a band this time, not a diet? But. But But But But But. I can see why people would get into smoothies and shakes because although they are sliders – they also would be a way that you might actually be able to ingest the daily recommended protein and carbs (and all that other stuff that goes with them). I, like BG, do not want to be a smoothie/shake chick, either. With one exception. As is, right now, unbanded – and it’s been this way for years – I do drink smoothies in the morning. I will not stop that post-band. Lots of thoughts in this one little thought. Lots of research to do, too! Next… 4) I’m such a whiner. I don’t generally consider myself a whiner – but it sure is coming across that way when I reread my blog. I am sorry for that. With the insurance situation under check, I should be getting back to my non-whiny self. Sorry for the detour… 5) I am so glad I am done with all the Dr. appt’s. I have an appt with my cardiologist this afternoon. He had me do a stress test a couple weeks ago and stated I was cleared for surgery. Today is the formality of getting the written clearance that I can turn in. With this appt done, I literally only have the weigh in appt’s left. Two of those down – four to go… 6) Four appt’s to go sounds better than five months to go. I think I’ll switch to that song and dance…33% done. 7) I want to remember what it feels like to be bloated but thin. It’s bad enough that I have to be bloated on a monthly basis, but to be bloated and fat – well…that’s just downright uncomfortable!!!! I don’t remember ever feeling this uncomfortability (like my word?) before my heavy days. And even with the heavy days – it’s still pretty recent that it’s become so dagged uncomfortable. Now there’s a strange milestone for myself… 8) Maybe my cramps will get better, too! (TMI?) 9) Does anyone else see anything wrong with failing the unweightloss program on purpose? Does our insurance industry not get what they are causing here? Added expense, wasted time, a whole plethora of negatives by creating this game. My very own insurance company cites study after study in their very own weightloss surgery policy document. One such study states that a sample group of about ~300 patients was put together. ~50 of those patients were forced to do what I have termed the “unweightloss” program. ~250 were just given the surgery. (All cases used the Lap-Band.) The ~50 who were on the “unweightloss” program did it for real and were losing weight. Of those ~50 people, ~60% decided to not do the surgery. A year later all ~300 people were examined. The ~250 people who had the band surgery had ALL lost a minimum of ~50% of the weight they wanted to shed. Of the people who were on the weightloss program that did have the surgery, they had ALL lost weight, although not as much as those that just went straight to surgery since at the recheck they’d only been banded for six months vs. a year. But the people who thought the diet was going well and opted out of the surgery – they had ALL regained ALL of their weight back plus more, in most cases. So here we have it. Cigna has a document citing what their policies are. In this document they backup those policies with study after study after study. And in this particular study it shows that the unweightloss program hinders weightloss! There are quite a few other studies cited in that document that show similar results. Quite a few show that the efficacy of the lap-band is substantially greater long term than any other weight loss surgery option. And yet there they are, playing games. Oh well. On with life. Only four more appts to go! I think I’ve blogged enough today. So with that, I bid you adieu. I will be back this weekend with additional thoughts I may or may not have.
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11/30/09: Back to work...part 4

So Friday ended up being good. Saturday we slept quite late and got Christmas out of the attic. We got our lights up around the front yard AND the back yard. Our backyard backs up to a "lake" that has a walking path around it so all of the houses on that "lake" put icycle lights on the rod iron fences we all have. And in our yard, we also have our roof outlined with lights like we have in the front yard. It really pops to me and while this is my fourth Christmas in this house, it's the first time my husband has seen it. He did not want to do it the first two years we were together and so they didn't get up. But this year I insisted. I think he thought it was more involved that it is and now that he sees the lights and sees the effort was actually easier than the front yard, he's with me in getting them up every year. This is the first year all the lights have been up in the backyard with the pool in, too, and the way everything is reflecting off of the pool is just gorgeous!   Saturday evening we went back to Super-mom's house for another game night, this time together. And we had fun, together, as we always do.   And then Sunday was a pure lazy day! It was nice. My FIL stopped in for awhile and we had a nice visit. He is a real estate broker and is helping one of our neighbors (and friends) sell their home as they are relocating to Iowa. We've been getting to see a lot of him as he is coming and going from their house.   It's pretty sad, I think, but I was so wrong about the MIL and the FIL. I thought the MIL was awesome and the FIL was an arrogant prick. Turns out the MIL is not awesome. And the FIL is not an arrogant prick, but actually is a nice guy full of funny stories. That's what I get, eh?   And now it's back to work.   Bleck.
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01/15/10: Whoever coulda thunk it...

The MIL and her sweet hubby had to come to Houston for business. They arrived Weds morning and stayed in a hotel on the north side of town that day. Claimed the 50 miles they would have to drive by staying with us was too great to be of a benefit.   I will never understand that...I don't think. It makes no sense to me that staying in a hotel that is within 50 miles of your son is "easier" than not seeing your own son, who you rarely get to see - and always complain about not seeing enough of. To me, if I'm getting within 50 miles of anyone in my family, I'm gonna see them! But if I had kids - I'd be staying with them and dealing with 50 friggin miles.   But this isn't about that...   Cause she kinda sorta did some redeeming last night. At the very least she reminded me of why I used to think we clicked so well in the first place.   Initially they asked us to drive that 50 miles to see them after a long day of work and sitting in extra traffic to do so. Because of a certain situation my sweet hubby and I are dealing with, we asked to meet in the middle.   The next day they say to us, well, it just won't work out.   But it worked out for the better. Because since it "just wouldn't work out" they decided to stay in Houston an extra day. And not having business on the north side of town on that additional day, they could just come stay with us. So they did. They were there and waiting (inside, of course) when we got home yesterday and we spent a wonderful evening together.   I did my chicken in the crock pot. Take a whole roasting chicken, wash, pat dry, then, sprinkle with salt and pepper and throw just that in the pot. Set the pot to low and when you come home from work or errands or whatever, the chicken is so tender and juicy it's falling apart. (ok, takes about 8 hours min, but more time in the pot on low just makes it better...)   It's SOOOO tender and juicy. And whatever you want to do to it for flavor works as well as doing nothing.   I served that with a zucchini souffle. Wanting less starch, I thought that was a good balance of having A LOT of veggies and a little starch. Mix up a cup of flour, a tsp of baking powder, a pinch of paprika and some salt and pepper; then add 4 beaten eggs; and finally add 1 chopped onion and 3-4 zucchini. I added about a cup of cheese last night - a blend of cheddar, monterey and jack. Throw that in the oven at 350 for about an hour and you get a nice light fluffy thing. It's got bunches of protein - for a veggie/starch dish - and not a lot of carbs. (16 grams) Not something I'd make every day or even often, but for a change of pace and just something different, it was a nice dish.   So we sit down to dinner and they are just in awe over how wonderful the chicken was, how flavorful the zucchini was, and how easily it all came together. As a working person, I gotta say, I DO love the crock pot!   So after dinner was eaten, we set the hot tub to heat. Eventually it was warm enough to move out to stew ourselves and so we did. And once we did, the conversation really relaxed.   And then she did it. She started to redeem herself.   It all started with her bringing up the breakfast casseroles she made the last time we visisted her and when she did, my sweet hubby made sure to mention to her that she cannot make those for me anymore. She made one for me and one for my hubby. My hubby's was a grits casserole. I HATE grits. Can't stand the consistency and generally no flavor unless you add crap. For me, she made a hash brown casserole. And it was LOADED with hash browns. If it had been loaded with sausage and had some hash browns that might have helped but it was about a 1/4 lb of sausage and 3 pounds of hash browns all mixed with about 2 eggs. Anywho, since I AM trying to keep the protein up and the carbs down, that's not a great start to the day. And the interesting thing was, until I ate lunch and could get some protein in me, I was famished. It was kind of interesting to me and really drove a point home (a point I was pretty sure that I had already learned).   So when he said last night, you can't make that stuff for Lori anymore, she said...   I don't remember. :cursing:   But it did turn into a long conversation about nutrition and dietary needs/concerns/awarenesses/issues.   She is, like sooooo many people, soooo worried about eating "too much meat". And the category "meat" encompassed chicken, fish, etc in this conversation.   I told her about the "equation" to determine how much protein she should be eating in a day. My hubby and I talked about how to take good-for-you-foods and make them better.   And all the while I was kind of getting the impression that, like my sweet hubby, she's going to try and lose weight vicariously through me. What I learn, she employs. What I try - she will too. So from this whole conversation, she's going to go home and 1) eat the protein first, 2) figure out how much protein she needs in a day for her current weight, 3) eat as much protein as she needs instead of trying to cut back on it, 4) use our smoothie ideas and knowledge. Like us, she likes a smoothie best for breakfast but, like so many, has the idea that it should be pretty liquidy and not have any additives (like flaxseed oil or protein powder). My hubby and I have learned that in addition to switching to Fage (finally found it) and adding flaxseed oil, that if it's thicker, it holds us over longer. That whole slider vs. substantial food thing.   She questioned me on the zucchini souffle - good for her. I had never made it before, and while I will make it again, it will be special things like visits from the in-laws. I talked about something I believe which is that I don't want to diet to lose weight. I want to eat normally and more important,healthily. We had a whole long tangential conversation about if you do ketosis to lose the weight (even with the band) and then you get to your ideal weight and then the band is loosened for maintenance weight, well, you could be in trouble if you suddenly have to learn how to eat all over again. Without the band, that switch could be even worse. You should do, to lose weight, what you will do, to maintain weight. Lose weight = less intake. Maintain weight = optimal intake. But if you eat differently for either "phase", well, it could be a recipe for disaster. She agrees. She's going to try for <1200 calories a day until maintenance mode.   Now I have to mention here that both she and my sweet hubby (who is also doing this vicariously through me) would both qualify for Lap-Band®®® surgery. They are both overweight, although in the 35-40 BMI realm, not over 40. MIL would be self-pay so no worries on insurance stuff but my sweet hubby would have to prove co-morbidities for insurance coverage. MIL thinks she can do this on her own. Sweet hubby thinks he can do this on his own.   MIL has never really tried.   Sweet hubby has been trying for years and can only get 20 or so pounds off before it comes back again. I don't know what will happen for either of them but I suspect when (if it can happen at all) it starts to happen, for me, they will say oh...wait...   But they are holding out for now.   And so this conversation in the hot tub went on for well over a couple of hours. And then it led to great conversation in general in which she finally proclaimed, I just miss you guys.   Well, then...start spending time with us - and start letting us spend time with you!. We go see them - and we are heralded around for everything else but time with them. They come see us and we share a meal and then they leave. If you miss us, then let's stop this ridiculousness and spend some time together! Cause we certainly miss them.   So I'm getting pretty long. But it was a pretty good night filled with interesting conversation and even some affirmation. I love affirmation! I used to think I loved her dearly (and, of course, I do still think that) because we could talk so easily and I could say what I thought - which isn't too common, I don't think, especially when it comes to saying what you think to the person you think it about. There was a level of openness between us that I really appreciated! It made me think I'm-so-lucky-in-the-MIL-department. But the lack of visiting started me questioning priorities which left me disappointed. However, the candor last night was great, to me. For example, if one of my neighbors who is judging me about this decision asked me about the souffle, I'd go on the defensive. But with the MIL, I was pleased she questioned it, appreciated her reasoning for questioning it - and she agreed with my answer for why I chose to make it, too. No one has ever said the band is about eating boring, dry, flavorless, uninteresting food. It's about eating less of all of it - good and bad - and really questioning why or how much of the "bad stuff' you need. And the answer to needing bad stuff is YOU DON'T NEED IT. So then Why do you want it? And sometimes, just sometimes, the answer is ok. And sometimes, just sometimes, it's ok to go ahead and eat a very small portion of that bad stuff.   Anyway, if I don't stop here, I will never stop typing...so I'll just finish with...what started out as a long week with too much to process, for my sweet hubby and I, has turned out to be a week full of blessings and revelations. Life is good. (and then I think of Haiti...my heart goes out to the people of Haiti and I wish that my sweet hubby and I could do something and/or more to help than just donate to Red Cross. But at least that's something... sigh....)
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11/03/09

Just checking in.   Friday I visited a cardiologist I was sent to earlier this year. I suddenly started getting heart palpitations and my PCP wanted to rule out anything "wrong". I would be sitting on the couch watching tv with Hubby and my heart would go from its resting rate of 65 up to 140. It was ANNOYING. Nothing was ever wrong. But in an effort to try and provide comorbidities last month I mentioned this at my first appt. It wasn't a comboridity they were interested in - but now I needed to get the cardiologist to approve me for surgery. I went in almost two weeks ago to explain my case and he had me come back last Friday for a stress test.   I was given the stamp of approval. I was actually told that I "have the heart of a very fit person". I like hearing stuff like that! (since I think I'm fit and all...)   Yesterday I went in for my follow-up with the Ph.D. Psychologist. I'd been in there two weeks earlier to do the testing for my psych consult. I could have been back sooner but I was scared to schedule appts last week as I had jury duty.   I live in Galveston county. In Galveston county they get their jury pool and put everyone on call. We can be sent out to any of the district courts or we can be sent out to any of the justices of the peace. I never did get selected but I had to call in every night at 6PM and find out what I may or may not be doing the next day. I took a gamble with scheduling an appt for Friday but it worked out.   Anywho - so the follow-up with the Psychologist was pushed back until this week.   And he proclaimed me "normal" yesterday.   Did anyone else worry about that?   I don't think I'm in danger of any bad diagnosis there, but it worried me nonetheless. Do "abnormal" people pursue this above and beyond ordinary?   Thursday I go in for weigh in number two. And I have zillions of questions that have formed over the last month.   I'm hoping they can help me with some information that will help my husband and I decide which route to take with the insurance. We are hesitant to be switching back and forth between his and mine. We know that what my employer is offering is better long term - it just isn't helpful with this procedure. It seems like the sooner we make the switch the better off we are. But do we wait one year? Do we bite the bullet? I had been thinking along the lines of my deductible is going to be outrageous based on the self-pay price. However, my insurance provider has negotiated prices on about everything they will pay out on - and since they will pay out on this - that self-pay price is not my price. So that might change what I would pay as a deductible to reasonable. And if that's the case, we are better of switching.   So it's back to information research mode as we try to find the balance between what's best for next year AND the long term.   Does anyone else know anything about Aetna's requirements? When I read their document there is talk of a six month program AND a three month program. I am wondering which of those programs is most like the one I am currently doing. Right now, for Cigna, I am doing six months of once a month check-in's. I am trying to do a lower calorie diet and for me, I'm trying to start mimmicking what I will have to do post-band (although there is still some cleanout of the pantry going on, so it's not there yet). I am also doing an exercise program. I keep track of this on paper and turn this in each month. So, did anyone do the Aetna requirements? And if so, how does this compare?   I am looking forward to Thursday's appt. I hope to get some answers. And I'm even down a few pounds. Not many, just a few. I want to see if I can even get some clarification on this - can I lose weight and be ok? Or do I need to try to stay steady? As of last week I was down 7. And over the weekend I did a few things to gain some of it back, on purpose. So now I'm down 3. But I'd rather be down 7. :smile:   If I weren't trying to stay steady, I'd actually be down more.   One question about switching to Aetna is about my BMI, too. Does my BMI have to be 40 when Aetna starts covering me? Or is it quite simply from the beginning of this process? Since my BMI is so close to the edge, it's making me wonder....I started with Cigna with a higher BMI and am following their requirements. But if I switch to Aetna midway - does my BMI have to be above 40 from the day Aetna gets me?   No sodas in over a week and a half. No sugar or cream in my coffee. When I want a snack in the middle of the afternoon I eat broccoli and cucumbers. Protein is something I am eating more of - and carbs less of.   Sad story, though. I live in this awesome neighborhood where we are all friends and we are always watching out for each other. We use any excuse to get together and typically raid each other's pantrys to come up with the best Saturday evening meals. As is the case in any situation where friendships are easy, there are also cliques. Our cliques are not exclusive and we all mingle well. But we also have the clique where they are our closer friends. The cliques have names. My clique became known as the "first wives club". We have our "first wives club" dinner every Tuesday. It's a lot of fun and a nice time to be away from the Hubby.   One of us will cook the main entree, one the veggies and starch and one the desert. Here is where the sadness comes in. There are five of us in this group. And they LOVE starch. So much so there is usually, in any given week, bread, potatoes AND pasta. EEKS! :ohmy:   I make ONE starch at home with any given meal. ONE! That's MORE than enough!   But THREE? AND desert?   EEEEEEKS! :ohmy:   Starch is my weakness. Baked potatoes - I can walk away from. Country fried potatoes - I can walk away from. But mashed? GIMME! :drool: Roasted? GIMME! :drool: Pasta? I hate spaghetti. But something with alfredo? GIMME! :drool: I don't care for penne and pasta salads are hit or miss. But anything smothered with cheese? GIMME! :drool: And bread. Uggg. Bread! Sourdough? GIMME! :drool: About the only bread I don't like is potato rolls or loafs or whatever.   I feel like it's getting to the point that I need to withdraw from the dinners for self-preservation. Cause the other "first wives" don't have to care. They don't have to worry. They should - but they don't have to.   Anyway.   That's my sadness. I love them, love being with them, and love our Tuesday's. But I don't think I can beat these temptations YET. Maybe some day. But the sodas and the coffee and some of the other little things I have done this month are already quite a lot. I know I can get to the point where I don't even serve myself those things :tt2: but I'm just not there yet. And so long as I don't serve 'em, I won't care that it's in the bowl on the counter. But for now - I CARE.
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10/19/09: It's a Monday...

I am a Geophysicist. That means absolutely nothing except for that I most closely resemble a project manager who gets to test their project in addition to manage their project. I generally enjoy my job. It's fun, to me, to keep track of where everything is. And it's also fun, to me, to test the parameters that give the best result. My "product" is a cross section of the planet. And it's especially fun, to me, to see cross sections of the Earth that are so far down in the ocean that "man" will probably never see it "for real". By 'cross section' I mean image. And by 'so far down' I mean 60,000 (yes, sixty thousand) FEET into the earth - at a water depth of 5000 feet or more. Sometimes the water depth is only 500 feet. Sometimes it's 8000 feet. But suffice it to say, it's a water depth deeper than we can dive to outside of a manned submersible. And manned submersibles are not cheap - nor will they get you INTO the Earth.   Anywho, that's a little bit about what I do.   I'm in the middle of a project right now that is fun stuff to me. And last Friday my project went from the testing stage to the production stage. Not a problem - production can run over the weekend and we should be in a good place on Monday morning.   Before I submitted production, I checked how much disk space I would require for my data. A mere 22.4 TERRA bytes. That's all.   This is a small-ish dataset.   Terra bytes. Funny to be calling something small that is in the realm of multiple terra bytes.   I have a profound respect for how far computers have come in the last twenty years...my job without disk space is impossible - and people used to do it.   I had 44.5 TERRA bytes available. So with what I had available and what I needed - I was golden.   I checked Friday morning. I submitted Friday afternoon.   I came in on Saturday to check the status of my production. All was fine.   I came in this morning and my disk space was gone.   The bad thing about disk space disappearing like this and me not knowing it because I checked a few hours before I submitted is that it shuts other people down, too. My jobs cannot finish because they cannot write out the datasets. And no one else's can, either.   So when people realized they were dead in the water, well, it turned into a bad morning pretty quickly.   And I was all excited about today. I have my psych consult testing stuff this afternoon. I don't know why a psych consult would have me excited but it feels like forward progress and I LIKE that!   The interesting thing to me is that days like this make me LESS likely to eat. Even more interesting - so long as the day turns out positive (which so far it seems to be), I LIKE days like this. Status quo day in and day out is BORING!   And to make it even funnier - because I did something "wrong", I get to file a report on myself. And that report turns into a bonus. ODD!   So yay for Mondays! (?)
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11/05/09: Really? Seriously?

I just wrote up a ridiculously long ridiculously detailed blournal entry about the grr of the day I've had....   And then....   Just before I finished writing it up, I looked at my husband and said what about that other company your employer offers coverage through. So while I finished writing that ridiculously long ridiculously detailed blournal entry he started looking through that website for info. And about the time I finished my ridiculously long ridiculously detailed blournal entry and all that typing, he gave up on the website and called.   Yeah, they couldn't help. He needs the group number first. And he said he can't think of anyone in his department that uses that coverage vs. the Aetna coverage.   BUT.   BUT..   This made me think to myself.   Since my clinic seems to be confused - why don't I call MYSELF and see what the official answer is from the source?   So I called Cigna.   And after that ridiculously long ridiculously detailed blournal entry....I DO NOT, I repeat, I DO NOT need two years history.   So the first answer was correct.   And the lady on the phone pointed me to the actual coverage document in pdf format so I could download it and TAKE IT WITH ME TO THE NEXT dagged appointment.   Furthermore. THAT DOCUMENT...DECLARES - I must FAIL this six month weight loss program.   Literally says the word FAILURE.   Which is ALSO contradicting what they told me today. They told me today - lose all the weight you want. It's fine.   The TRUTH is, apparently...fail this program. "Learn" the correct ways of eating and get the bad ways out of your system - but ultimately, from what I read in the official policy it says that this program IS NOT supposed to be successful.   I read this somewhere else. Don't gain. Lose very little. But stay steady. That's the goal. Just maintain....   Sigh.   Games. Hate em! :mad: :frown: :smile2: :ohmy: :wub:
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01/20/10: Life marches on...

I think the cold that was beating me up on Monday is finally receding. Now there's a recession to appreciate!   I don't think I realized quite how badly I felt on Monday. But I think I felt so badly that I was quite grumpy and my perspective is...ummm...not so positive...when I'm grumpy. My mom used to hate me grumpy. I think my husband doesn't know what to do with me grumpy...   I don't either for that matter. But it happens. And sometimes I can figure out what's causing it and can then put myself in check. And other times it's just this thing that gets to badger me all day. And Monday was one such day. Didn't feel bad enough to know I felt bad. But didn't feel good enough to feel good, either.   (For the record, I'm not grumpy today, I'm stressed. There's a difference, although it's a fine line...)   By Tuesday I was done. I slept ALL day yesterday. Alarm went off and I thought to myself - there's just no way. I think this next thing speaks volumes - when I said to my hubby - I'm staying home - he normally says "are you sure?" and yesterday he just said "ok". So I went back to sleep. I woke up at 12:30 and was back asleep by 1. I woke up again at 1:30 and had to run an errand. I was back in bed by 2:30 and slept until 7 last night. And finally I was asleep by 9 for the night.   I feel human today!   And to make it even better - the scale dropped this morning, too! Didn't take any dayquil today and won't take any nyquil tonight. Not saying I've beat this cold - but it sure is receding!   It's been odd this winter. Normally I have one cold when school starts in the fall and one cold when school starts in January. This year - I've had a constant cold since November with a bout of gastroenteritis for good (HA) measure. I'm so sick of being sick.   I think that'd make even the happiest of people grumpy. I'm normally pretty happy, too!   So the scale dropped this morning. Not enough to make me say "ok, I'm good for the next weigh-in" but it was enough that I can now say to myself "ok, if I do this and this, then I'll be good for the next weigh-in". I have two weeks to make something happen - something meaning a pound or two. Seems do-able.   I do think my body has plateau-ed. It has done all it's going to do from just changing what I eat and how I think about it. Now don't take that as me saying "I've got the eating part all figured out" - cause I certainly don't.   I'm on an unweightloss program and with this, I have had a bit of, "well, I'm not banded yet, and I can't lose too much weight here, so I'll eat a little more of this, or a serving of that, or..." In other words, I apply the rules only insofar as I can afford to. I don't have the impression that I can just lose the weight and so I'm constantly doing and undoing my progress.   And I hate that. But that's neither here nor there.   What I do know is that even with this doing and undoing, my body has been responding in manner X. And this month my body is responding in manner Y. Which leads me to believe I've plateaued. So I have to change gears a bit. I feel like I have two options. I can stop the doing and undoing and just do. Or I can continue with the doing and undoing and add in light exercise.   For my mental health - I want my endorphines back - I am opting for the light exercise option.   I wish someone could get out there crystal ball and tell me that this stress I am feelingis worth it. Will this even happen?   I am not the sort that gets colds and flus and gastroenteritis' so easily. I used to work offshore and I went out on my vessel one time with 24 other people. 24 other people shared bronchitis, gastroenteritis, colds and more and I got NOTHING. We were out there for five weeks and these bugs kept getting passed back and forth and all around the crew. I got nothing! I was happy as a clam and not stressed and enjoying life. I got home to a sick fiance (had bronchitis) and still got nothing.   Stress matters. And the stress of this gosh-darned-stupid-as-all-get-out "unweightloss" program is killing me! Add to this the economy and this feeling that it's just a matter of time before I lose my job...and I'm stressed. Downright, nothing else to call it, S T R E S S E D!   So tell me. This one thing that I am truly adding to myself (cause I'm causing all my stress, but as much as I'm causing it, external factors are also at play) but this one thing - it's all me. I could say I'm not doing it, I'm not stressing about it, I'm done - but then I could just be fat forever. So tell me. WILL THIS STRESS BE WORTH IT?   If I get banded, yes. It's worth it. BUT WILL I GET BANDED?   ugh.   and sigh.   and ugh again.   I want to NOT HAVE A COLD. For the rest of this year. Not just this season. Not next season, either.   I want the economy to turn around. I want job security. Can't we all just get along?   I just want this phase to be over.   Over dangit, over!
ldswims

ldswims

3
 

12/08/09: Half way there

I have had an interesting time since last blogging.   Thursday I woke up grumpy as all get out. My hubby and I carpool and for the life of him, that morning, he could do nothing right. I griped and complained and tore new a-holes all while he sat patiently by my side waiting for it to end. Just about the time we were getting to the freeway for our drive in Houston I realized...I was getting a migraine. First one in over two years.   I dallyied with the idea of going home but thought, nah, it will all be ok. So we got on the freeway - me still griping away at my sweetheart of a hubby. And we were just about out of Clear Lake when the pain and the auras kicked in. I was done. I turned around and went home.   Hubby got back in that same car and went to work. I closed the drapes and the doors and silenced the phone and crawled into bed. And I stayed that way all day with blankets over my head even though the room was pitch black.   Yeah, not having a migraine in over two years seems to have led to a build up. Thursday night I was worse than ever and took some of my hard core migraine meds. Those made me feel like crap but the migraine did lessen up a bit. And so when I woke up Friday morning, I decided to take the day again.   You see, Friday, in Houston...IT SNOWED! So I figured - why fight the crazy weather and the bad drivers when I still have a bit of a migraine? Turns out I should have gone in. I would have been knocked off at noon - because they understand that no one in Houston knows how to deal with snow and ice. So I would not have had too much time staring at a monitor on Friday.   Oh well.   Hubby got to come home early, too. And we sat on our couch watching tv, keeping the fire going, while praying that the snow would start to stick. All day on Friday we hovered around 36-38 and so the snow never did stick. But about five miles to the west of us they did have the lower temps and the snow DID stick. I think we would have had about 4 inches if it had stuck, it snowed just about the whole day - started at 8am and didn't stop until 5pm.   Oh well.   I did apologize to hubby for my crazy behavior Thursday morning, too, and, being the sweet man that he is, said, "It's ok". No...it isn't...but thank you for thinking so.   Miraculously, I was fine all weekend.   Maybe that's irony. From my employer's perspective, anyway.   Yesterday I woke up feeling like general he!!. I got up and ran straight to the toilet. Felt like I had to throw up but I couldn't get my bum off the toilet long enough to make the switch. One of those days.   But yesterday was two things. One - it was my third weigh in. Two - it would be my third day off from work if I didn't go in.   That's significant because of our sick time policy. We have no limit to the amount of sick days we can take. Of course, you don't want to take any days. But most employers say six days or eight days and leave it at that. My employer says take what you need - but if you are gone three days or more then we want a Dr. note. Fair enough.   I didn't really want to go to the dr. Still don't. I don't know if I have the flu or some sort of weird food poisoning. Doesn't seem like food poisoning would make sense because it kicked in yesterday at 6:30 am and I hadn't eaten anything since Sunday at 5pm. That's not the normal time span between eating the bad thing and being affected by the bad thing. There is a bug going around my neighborhood - but it's all been sinus and chest related for them. So I'm not sure where I might have been exposed to the flu.   And since I wanted to go to my weigh in I decided I'd go to work and do what I could and leave if I needed to.   So the weigh in. After dropping the ten pounds earlier in the month, I managed to enjoy my Thanksgiving and was down a mere 3.5 from my previous weigh in. So, overall, I'm down 7 pounds from where I started back in October.   Everyone was AMAZED that I managed to lose weight over Thanksgiving. If only they knew!   The appt was good. They asked what I did and I told them. (increased my protein) They asked why I wasn't working out at the gym and I told them. (I'd lose weight too easily) The nutritionist asked why I wasn't wanting to lose the weight and I told her. (it's so not that I don't want to lose weight but that my insurance says I must "fail" this program) And then she said ok.   I, for reasons unknown to me, met with the nutrionist again yesterday and she at first wanted to coerce me (yes, I'm using that word) into just losing the weight. But I spelled it out for her. It's not that I can't lose this weight on my own. It's that I have never been able to keep it off! Oh...good point. I know I'm fooling myself here but it seems I might have actually gotten through to her yesterday.   The Nurse Practitioner I saw yesterday, though. I LIKE HER. I want to see only her from here on out! I LIKE HER A LOT! She understands the insurance joke. She didn't and doesn't want me to screw myself out of this. Her point all along has been "lose 2 to 4 pounds in this next month". 3.5 is good.   She did tell me that she thinks I will do very well with this. I think she was also banded - and is doing very well with her weightloss. That's my speculation. I saw three people come in yesterday and ask if she was there. And when the answer was yes, they would then say then I want to see her. I think that speaks volumes! I feel the same way. I didn't have the confusion leaving there like I did last time. I didn't feel like someone was pushing me one way or the other for some reason or another. It was a great visit.   Her reasoning for why I will do well? In my first visit she told me to:   1) get my psych consult done 2) get clearance from a cardiologist 3) get a letter of medical necessity from my PCP 4) get a letter of medical necessity from my Ob/Gyn 5) do the nutrition consult at my next visit   So I got the ball rolling on all of that stuff immediately. And it was good to not have waited because some of those things required two or three visits and ended up spanning Oct AND Nov. I turned in what I could last month and turned in the last of it this month.   She told me usually she says "do this" and then they come in for visit two and she says "do this" and then they come in for visit three and she says "do this" and then they come in for visit four and she says "do this or else" and then they come in for visit five and she says "seriously, if you don't do this, this won't happen".   They didn't have to reiterate a single thing with me. The nut said "eat more protein" and I did. Now she says "eat more fiber". Yeah...I'm not really going with that one. I'm plenty regular and it's because of my smoothie that I am. Do I get 30g of fiber a day? Maybe not, I'd have to calculate it out. But I know my body is getting what it needs. Not only do I get that smoothie but I also eat a lot of fiber rich veggies. Now, the one thing I do know is that if this regularity ever changes, then yes, I'll add fiber. But for now, I think I'm alright. And hubby is, too.   Anywho. To go on with why she thinks I'll do well - she didn't have to reiterate a single thing. And add to that - I lost weight over Thanksgiving. (If only they knew ). And finally, add to that - I seem to be motivated.   So from there I headed to work. Still hadn't ever thrown up but sure felt like I should. Got to work and started to try and settle in. And then I had to run to the bathroom. Got back to work and started to settle in. And then I had to run to the bathroom. And then it happened. For not having had anything to eat in 18 hours (5pm through to 11am) my stomach sure said otherwise!   So then I went home.   My boss is out today...   I'm here again, today. Still feel like crap. But my system is empty so that has helped a bit. From 6:30am yesterday to 6:30 am today I lost just over 7 pounds. Like I said, my system is empty!   And that's what I know.   I had a question about how this six month program worked. Would I have 7 visits or 6? You'd think - a six month program, that there would be a 7th to close out the 6 months. But no. I only have 6. So I have now completed 3. Which means I'm half way there. Which means I'll be done in March. Which means an April banding could be a possibility - if I get approved and all goes well. :thumbup:
ldswims

ldswims

3
 

01/21/10: And here we are...again...

The thing I love about myself is that when I get down and grumpy and irritated and miserable - it doesn't last long!   Yay! I'm back!   It's always a tiny little teensy eensy thing that makes me go "what was I so bothered about?"   It's this kind of perpetual circle. I want out of the bad mood so badly that I'm running in circles - and getting irritated accordingly - to get out of the bad mood - which just exacerbates my bad mood. And then something eensy teensy happens and I'm fine.   Hopefully this blog won't read like me last two. What I do have to say about the last two, though, is that to me, it's part of what this process is like - for those that have to go through the danged program. Those feelings are real and I've read them elsewhere and it's better to be aware than to be surprised when the irritable grumpiness happens. I could have kept it all to myself and I would have gotten over it all just like I have with letting it out. Letting it out didn't make me feel better and it didn't make me feel worse. The people who piped up and said "dude, we're here for you", well, that helped, but me typing out how stupid I was thinking, that didn't make me feel better or worse. But if someone reads it and says to themselves, "that's how I feel" - well then the work of the blog is done.   Anywho.   I had my annual well woman exam this morning. And this doc is something special. I think he suffers worse PMS than I ever have. Sooooo moody and if you catch him on the wrong day, man, hold your head in your hands cause if you don't, you may lose it.   Today was a good day.   The last time I saw this doc was in November when I approached him to ask for his endorsement for this surgery. He was not so very kind in saying his opinions on my weight gain were that I was basically stupid. It was a less than fulfilling meeting but at the end of the day, he did give me his endorsement and I figured "whatever".   His endorsement meaning a Letter of Medical Necessity.   Today, though...wow.   I didn't know who I was going to meet today.   I've now seen this guy 4 times and I've had 2 wonderful appts and 2 nail-scraping-on-chalkboard appts. I have always loved the office staff there, though, and, in anticipation of having to switch to a new doc in the same office when my hubby and I get pregnant, I've dealt with it.   Anywho. Today.   FABULOUS GUY!   He was chatty, he was sweet, he was positive, he was upbeat, he was in a great mood and even complimentary!   Started with - how was your New Year.   I'm thinking, ok...   Asked if I had questions. I asked his input on actually getting pregnant after being banded. I hear 2 years before we start trying and I don't know that I buy that, personally, especially when considering my case.   Not saying I want to get banded and then immediately start trying to get pregnant.   What I think is that if I focus this year on losing weight, that going into 2011 we should be in a good place for starting to try. If I can lose even just 66 pounds this year, I'll be at a normal BMI. If I can get banded in Feb or March, as has been discussed, then that seems doable. Say it was the end of Feb - that gives me 10 months to lose 66 pounds which means an average of 6.6 pounds a month. Seems to me that most do better than that when they try...and I'll certainly be trying.   So we had a conversation about that. And he thought it was all very doable and reasonable. If I were heavier then it might be more important to focus on two years. But I'm not heavier. And I am older, too. For a first pregnancy anyway.   And then he really surprised me. He complimented me. Said "you are doing well already!"   What? YOU are saying something NICE to ME?   Who ARE you?   In a moment I wish I could undo - he said he wants me to do my baseline mammogram this year. This summer. Really? Am I there already?   But then the whole thing got eery. He got cute. He says, as we are saying our good byes....   "I can't wait to see you next year and I hope to see less of you." Noticing that he was possibly sticking his foot in his mouth he says - "well not less frequently, just less person". Noticing he was still possibly sticking his foot in his mouth he started to stammer. And I'm just smiling cause I know what he means and I know where he's coming from and it's really cute and not bugging me and I even thought it was funny - and right on the dot. So I Iet him off the hook and said "I know what you mean and it sounds great to me, too!" He smiled and shook my hand and said he couldn't wait to see me next year - keep up the good work.   Really? 10 pounds is good work? 10 pounds in 4 months?   I guess it's something. But it's not a lot...   I have to chuckle - cause it is a lot when I consider how I've done it. Given the program and it's design, it's been half-hearted and half-arsed.   Sigh. I really can't wait to just let myself go and TRY!   Anywho.   Who knows if I will get banded. Who knows if this is all for nothing or all for something. But somehow, this appt gave me a warm fuzzy feeling and now I just feel better.   Add to that - the cold is still on the retreat and I feel ~95% finally. Still a bit of a stuffed up nose - but nothing I can't start to attribute to allergies.   Speaking of which, I think I'll go get some decongestants...
ldswims

ldswims

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