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Blog 75517

A blog by everleigh

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Glutton for Punishment

We all know what gluttony means.. overindulgence. Punishment inevitably follows in gluttony. But the ride sure can be fun. For the first time in years, I've been a "glutton in the open." I'm not gonna lie and say I don't eat bad. I've had bad eating habits since I was a teen. Although I am visibly obese, however, like most people dealing with weight problems, I usually hide what I actually eat. I try to portray that a whole bag of chips is way too much for me to eat. That I couldn't possibly drink more than one soda a day. I'm not the best liar so who knows how much I actually got away with. Either way, I never stuff my face in front of others.. until now. It's like now that I privately know that I'm gonna have LB at some point (dh knows too actually), I feel like I can just relax, eat whatever, and know that it's going to be taken care of at some point. I realize that I'll have to lose all this weight I'm putting on now (I'm scared to weigh myself) but even when I was pregnant I didn't have this freedom due to gestational diabetes. I'm very sorry to admit that it feels fantastic in the meantime to be irresponsible. That being said, I look forward to having control with food in the future. It's weird, right? Who gets excited about getting to overeat? I seriously need to contact the dr & schedule the psych and nutritionist mtgs. Soon.:huh2:

October 22, 2009

1

I'm psyched after the psych appt (originally posted 11/5/2009)

Today was my psych eval and it went pretty great. The counselor and nutritionist actually have offices in the same office as my future surgeon. I got there a little early and as I was waiting for the counselor, the office mgr came out and asked if anyone was waiting for the nutritionist or needed to see her. I spoke up, (thinking I might be able to kill 2 birds with 1 stone and see the nut after the psych) and mistakenly thought the office mgr WAS the nutritionist. "I'm here to see (counselor name) but I need to see you too so if you have time today, I'd love to meet!" Embarassing pause. Not-so-friendly stare from mgr. "I'm NOT the nutritionist" she flatly announced and shut the door. I sat there a little uncomfortable in front of about 6 people in the waiting room. I mean since when is it offensive to be called a nutritionist? Whatever. Maybe the lady was having a bad day. Five minutes later, another office person came out and told me the "manager" needed to meet with me briefly. I grabbed my stuff thinking, "am I getting in trouble for thinking she was the nutritionist?" I sat at her desk and she asked me for my payment. She was actually pretty pleasant to me- not overly nice, but not rude either. She told me I could wait there at her desk with her or go back out to the waiting room. I opted to go back out to the waiting room but the counselor appeared and asked me to come to her office. The counselor was a fantastic lady who I immediately bonded with. Someone I would be friends with "in the real world." We talked about my medical history, my food issues, what led me up to surgery, my friends & family, my fears and hopes, and my understanding of the procedures and aftercare. I felt like I was talking too much actually but the counselor of course said that it was more helpful for me to be thorough and tell her what I could. Two hours later! Time flew by and towards the end we really were mostly chatting. She did say that felt that I was ready mentally for surgery and that I would be an excellent candidate in her opinion. She also thought that I would be successful post op. She is one of those counselors that tells you that you can call anytime and that she is available for the pre and post op (at the hospital) for visits. All of it is covered by the payment I made today- she doesn't charge if I call or email her prior to surgery. Nice. (For those that don't know and from my experience with counselors, that isn't common practice.) By the time I left, the nutritionist wasn't there so I emailed her and said to let me know when her schedule would allow our visit. We have been emailing back and forth and she offered to slide me in a couple days ago but I live over an hour away so I wouldn't have made it there in time. I'm thinking I will likely see her (nutritionist) sometime this next week. (Exciting!!!) One down, one to go!!!

November 6, 2009

1

Psycho Nut Job :)

I finally contacted my psych consult (Thursday) and left a message with the nutritionist so hopefully I can get that scheduled soon. I forgot a lot of people say on the boards that it can take a really long time for these pre-appointments to get set up. I hope I don't regret waiting a few weeks from the seminars to set these appointments up. The counselor sounded really neat on the phone so I'm looking forward to the appointment. I got this massive attachment, however, in the confirmation email she sent. Ten pages of all things weight related. Normally I don't mind filling out forms but when it's all about your weight history it's depressing. I'm still eating like I'm preparing for famine. Chips, soda, pizza, crap crap crap. Today I started looking online for outfit ideas for Thanksgiving and Christmas. Although there's a lot more these days for size 22/24, it doesn't make me feel any thinner. I forgot to mention on here that the friend I told about LB, (let's call her "Lexie"), the only friend I've told about it (aside from my parents and dh knowing), has turned out to be more supportive than I thought. I don't think she loves the idea of me getting it, but she's agreed to support me no matter what. I'm SO GLAD to have someone I can talk to about it that is a good friend. I have two other pretty close friends that I have not told and probably won't. I'm so glad to have a girl friend to talk to about it. DH will discuss but it's not the same as talking with the girls! Actually, in talking with Lexie, she said she heard the gastric sleeve was a much better procedure. Funny, my gastroenterologist said the same thing. I figure I'll talk to the surgeon about it once I get my one on one consult but right now the reason I was not thinking the sleeve was because A.) It's too new.. not enough long term data B.) It's absolutely irreversible and C.) Since I want more children, I've been told the band is a better and safer choice. But as I'm no expert, I could be wrong. :smile2: I'll keep you posted.

November 4, 2009

1

'Oh my' Posted 10-17-2009 at 01:57 AM by everleigh

Some of dh's family has been here and so we have been going to do a bunch of tourist type stuff here in Houston. Anyhow, I don't know if its been the stress, the fun, the spending, the lounging, but I have been eating with wreckless abandon. Thousands of calories a day for like a week. I'm scared to get on the scale. So I haven't. Today, as we left the house for another excursion I grabbed my size 22 capris (that are stretched more to a 24 at this point) and they pooched. (pooched= when your jeans zip up but your stomach pushes out so much so that the zipper may go at any moment.) I have a few larger-than-necessary shirts for working out or sleeping, (cotton size 4x shirts), that I was forced to dig into to wear tonight. I didn't have time to break down standing in my closet and admit that 95% of it isn't gonna fit. I know now without stepping on the scale that I am at my all time high weight, probably over 280.. in other words, more than when I was the day I went into the hospital to have my dd a couple years ago. I scanned through the digital camera and saw further evidence. I was shocked to see how huge I have become in photographs. The shape of my face stretched out- my neck is starting to disappear. (I'll post a couple of the pics on here when I have the chance because there's absolutely no way I'm posting them anywhere else.) Ahmmmmmm...... Please let surgery happen soon. I think I might go do the the nutritionist mtg & psych eval anyway. Dh doesn't want me getting my hopes up for it to happen anytime soon. I get irate in my head when he says that. Feels like he's telling me no and since I've already got a father I don't want my dh telling me no. (Can you tell I'm still throwing an internal tantrum?) Sounds ridiculous even when I type it. Somethings gotta happen soon or 'oh my' I'll have nothing to wear out of my house!

October 22, 2009

1

WLS Seminar #2 notes (10/12/2009) Posted 10-15-2009 at 01:45 AM by everleigh

So I've started this blog post about 6 times since Monday but since I use my smartphone (cell) to check email & post, it's been tricky to accomplish my notes! I have a laptop & home pc but never the time to sit at either lately. So here I am, laying in bed, next to my sleeping-soundly-so-far dh and madly typing on this teeny tiny keyboard. So back to the point- I went to wls seminar #2! I had always planned to go to two different ones. In my search for a wls dr in the houston area, I narrowed my focus on two- Dr. Garth Davis of the Davis Clinic or Dr. Jason Balette of the Surgery Group Of the Woodlands. I'm so glad I went to the second seminar because it made my decision crystal clear. If I get surgery here, it'll be with Dr. Jason Balette! Drs Garth & Robert Davis are fantastic & held a good seminar. I just felt more of a connection to Dr. Balette. Well- here's my notes on the seminar. 8:15am- My mom & I arrive to the hospital in the Woodlands where the seminar is. Its about an hrs drive from my home & dh decided he wanted to stay home with my kiddo so my mom offered to go with. I didn't give dh any flack for not going- he went to the first seminar after all & my mom had volunteered to go with. It was a small conference room in a nice hospital. I just felt excited when I arrived like I knew this was the eventual place. There was Dr. Balette's coordinator there who started the powerpoint presentation.. there was only 5 total potential patients there. 5 minutes in, the animated coordinator turned the presentation over to Dr Balette. He had almost an identical presentation as Dr. Davis had for me last week. Even the wording and stats were pretty much the same. The major difference was it seemed a lot more personal. 4 out of the 5 present were there for banding (or so the sign in reported) and Dr Balette is an apparent fan of lapband. I was able to talk to him at length where he told me what kind of band he uses and why. (CONTINUED> )

October 22, 2009

1

To tell or not to tell (originally posted 10-29-2009 at 03:14 AM)

I keep saying I'm going to get serious & set up my nut & psych appts but I still have not. I want to but then feel guilty because dh is still not working (he's not laid off either- it's a weird vortex of manipulation really c/o his co.) Dh has said he doesn't mind me going in for the nut & psych but the conversation always ends up with him asking why we wouldn't tell his family about me getting LB. He's close to his family & as much as I love them too, I have come to the conclusion its better to keep it private, especially since its not happening for sure right now. As I was getting ready for bed, I decided I'm calling to set up the appts for sure tomorrow. Then I started thinking about the actual surgery. If dh's job situation works out, & I get surgery, we're gonna have to tell his family. I have a toddler who I don't want hanging around the hospital (swine flu anyone?) I don't have any of my family close either. I'd be ok on my own a night or two in the hospital but the day of & day leaving we'd need help w/ dd. They will want to know why since we never ask. I don't know if I can give them the hernia excuse. Originally that was my plan but now what if I have a complication & they have to watch dd again? If I claim its hernia surgery I would have to stick to the story or come out a liar. Ughhhh. Its really just two members of dh's family who have big mouths (both men oddly.) I just don't know but I gotta figure it out.:smile2:

November 4, 2009

1

I'm thinking like a selfish a-hole right now... Posted 10-15-2009 at 02:16 AM

(Continued from previous post...) I'm feeling all sorts of guilt/shame tonight as I type because if I'm honest with myself, I'm irritated. I'm annoyed that now that I'm ready for surgery, dh isn't working. We can financially survive due to responsible savings but DH doesn't want to get a credit line or use our savings right now for lapband because he doesn't have a paycheck coming in. Its so my luck. In my head I'm sayin: 'Get a job! Hook me up! I need this dude! I want to get healthy so we can have that other baby we are ready for and I don't want to get further in my 30's to do it!!!'! Arghhhhhhh!!!! Ridiculous. Selfish. Childish. There are people out there with real problems.. cancer, death, poverty, crime... and I'm pissed off dh isn't making my life any cushier that he already has. I can't explain why my brain is throwing tantrums all day about it but it is & so I've been eating junk in retaliation. It occurred to me tonight as I was getting ready for bed that I had been eating perhaps to subconsciously tell my dh 'ok- if you don't get me that band, I'm gonna get as big as possible!!' I don't want that & he doesn't either. If he could, he would get me the band. I know it. I'm just mad its gonna not happen right away. I dream about it & try to think of ways to come up with even $1000. I dunno. I'm at the mercy of him finding a spot. He is looking but also apparently enjoying staying home. (Sigh) I enjoy it too but it just makes me feel shameful that I want him to get a check & start making my dreams come true. I'm hoping my brain will stop being a brat & get it together. Thank GOD I haven't voiced my annoyance to dh. That's all the poor guy needs. I have, incidentally, been throwing out how much I need to get it done & how time really is of the essence since we want at least 1 more baby. Ugh... Thanks for letting me rant & vent. I feel like a big a-hole but maybe it'll help me just get over it & be patient.

October 22, 2009

1

WLS Seminar #2 notes (continued) Posted 10-15-2009 at 02:01 AM by everleigh

(Continued from last post....) Dr. Balette went over specific details (something that also made me more comfortable with him.. he wasn't vague at all.) He reported the total cost would be $12750 and it included the fills and follow ups for a yr. He said that since I would be a self pay that the requirements would be less as far as approvals, waiting, etc etc. He said he would likely put me on a 2 week low fat diet with some specific stuff to eat prior to surgery. 'Two weeks?' Yes you heard right. They would likely be able to do my surgery within a month if I was able to. Hallelujah!!! Dr. Balette did say that there is a promise to be on mandatory birth control for 12 full months post op because he does not want patients becoming pregnant. I'm in my early 30s & want more kids. It made me more anxious to get going. Before the end of the seminar a woman who looked to be about 300 lbs raised her hand and in an irritated voice asked if he did revisions because she had a band that didn't work by another dr. He skinny (jerky btw) husband sitting next to her that looked like he was dragged out of a bar that morning also snapped in with 'we aren't wasting no more money and our insurance is GONNA pay for it!' Dr Balette calmly and politely told her, 'of course, he does do revisions & would be happy to look over her paperwork with her and see what they could do.' Poor guy. What a way to get punched in the gut right after advertising the product. It didn't deter me though. I asked a few more q's & left shaking his hand & telling him I hoped to see him again real soon. I mentioned in another post but dh's job is getting wiped out. We have savings to live on but he's been home over a month & he doesn't want to accrue more debt until he is with another firm. He is ambitious and will get another job and I haven't worked in about 3 yrs steady. I feel like an a-hole but I'll go ahead & admit it.. (continued next post.... 'i'm thinking like a selfish a-hole right now..')

October 22, 2009

1

Band or Sleeve?

I mentioned before that Lexie, my only friend I've told about me getting bariatric surgery, told me that she heard the "sleeve" was better than the "band." My gastroenterologist said the same thing and wanted me to look into it and talk to the surgeon about the sleeve option. I mentioned it to the counselor today and she briefly said that she sees very few Gastric Bypass patients any more as most patients are choosing the band or the sleeve. She said it's been 50/50 on band vs. sleeve patients. She admitted that there's been more WL issues with the band patients (slower loss, not any loss, and band failure) in HER practice but she was quick to state that it doesn't mean that it isn't good and won't work. She simply said that in her practice there that the sleeved patients lose weight faster and have fewer WL issues apparently. She agreed with my gastro's advice in speaking with the surgeon and deciding what would be best for me. She told me to research both, have pros and cons, and analyze the options. Then have a list of questions for the surgeon when meeting with him. I planned to do that any way and I didn't get the feeling she was pushing sleeve. I think she was being very honest with me about her experience with both sets of patients which I appreciate. Here's my initial PRO/CON list for Sleeve and Band... (after I research more, I'll likely update and/or change and fix my list!) SLEEVE Pros: 1. One surgery, no "fills" (so I won't need to tote my toddler with me in for regular fills.) 2. Decrease in "ghrelin" hormone that induces hunger due to stomach portion removal 3. Faster weight loss (more immediate results) 4. No "bandster hell" 5. Much higher success rate associated with this procedure. 6. My friend and one of my dr's recommended this procedure and thought it might be the better option for me. Cons: 1. No way to fix or reverse at all 2. Staples may pop, cause leaking, or fail 3. No long term data including effects on pregnancies 4. There is still a possibility/likelihood that the sleeve will stretch out and may need revision later. 5. Hernias apparently more common with this procedure lately. 6. I haven't researched the dietary guidelines post op so I have no idea what the longterm eating management includes. (Maybe I'll research that next and do a post on the differences of that.) BAND Pros: 1. Reversible/removable 2. No removal of anything 3. Necessary dr appt followup (with fills) will cause constant analyzing of program/plan and communication with surgeon 4. As I need it, I can go in and get it adjusted tighter to meet my needs. 5. Two doctors recommended this procedure over sleeve or GB for me due to my medical history. Cons: 1. Possibility of infection of band OR port 2. Regular followup and fill appointments 3. Bandster Hell and the months it will take to get to Sweet Spot. 4. Possibility of necessary revision to sleeve or whatever..(have read several posts online of 3 and 4 year post banders going in for gastric bypass, sleeve, etc.) 5. May not solve my hunger issue. 6. Have heard from more than one person that as they got closer to goal- their port site or actual port became more visible- yikes! 7. Over fills.. this sort of worries me. I don't want to get overzealous and get over filled and then have to race back in to get unfilled and then wait weeks to get filled again. 8. The waiting between fills. I understand why it is set up that way but it doesn't mean I have to like it. :smile2: This is just my preliminary thoughts on both. I'm not an expert, I haven't decided yet, and I don't even know if the surgeon will think I'm a candidate for the sleeve. I'm starting to consider it as an option though. I've got some research to do.

November 6, 2009

4

FIRST POST... (part 1) Posted 10-Posted 10-03-2009 at 11:37 PM by everleigh

I guess this is the first post so many draw back on post surgery and think "I can't believe that was me!" I too want success in my life and it feels like a lot of my personal successes have been stalled or overlooked by my weight problems. Here's my history... I was born a normal weight with no issues. I was involved in tons of sports, dance, and activities as a kid and was very thin until about age 12. After some minor health issues at 12, I started having some unexplained stomach ache problems. I went from dr to dr. Went to specialist after specialist. It was diagnosed as allergies and I went on medications. I was supposed to stay away from foods that triggered the massive stomach aches. Of course as I entered my teen years, I ate what most teenagers ate. In middle school, I first experienced being called fat. I was probably 5'4 and 130 lbs. I was still in dance and sports, but not as much as I used to be. I wasn't the heaviest girl on campus but I was not as thin as most of the girls either. I was somewhere in the middle. I started bugging my mom to help me lose weight. My mother herself was (and still is) about 100 lbs overweight at the time I asked for help. As far back as I can remember, I believe at some point she gave up and decided to be fat. She lost some weight here and there but essentially chose to let her weight control a lot of things. I love her and she's a fantastic mom but now that I'm a mom too, I see so many things that she and I missed out on because she didn't feel comfortable or physically couldn't participate. I also remember on a few occasions other kids talking about how fat she was. In high school my weight fluctuated from 130 to 150 at the most. I was 5'5 and felt HUGE. I was on several of the sports teams and on dance team. I was the largest girl on dance and track at size 12. I bounced from sizes 8 to 12. Most of my friends were a 4 so I thought I was disgusting. I tried some crazy diets, diet pills, exercising like crazy... all to be beat out by the smell of something like pizza and a weak will. I believe the only reason I didn't reach 200 lbs in High School was because I had my stomach issues and I was SO busy with school, sports, dating, dances, friends. I kept very active. Still, as I look back, I wasn't involved in tons of social stuff- I always felt like a cow and didn't go out to large parties or anything. My senior year I did a weight training program and a vegetable diet. I lost 20 lbs and kept it off for about 2 months. After high school when I left to go away to college is where the real trouble began. I had a horrible college roommates and the few friends I thought I had in the dorms all of a sudden didn't like me. I think I had changed and wore my insecurities on my shoulders. I felt sad, alone, worthless. I probably wouldn't have wanted to hang around me either. I amazingly joined a sorority (a pretty good one too) and thank God for that. I'm definitely not your typical sorority girl but had it not been for the sorority I would have left college and not met my future husband. College (especially college in a sorority house) was practically a weight experiment. I went from 140 lbs to 175 lbs my freshman year in the dorm. Then my second year I topped 185 lbs but then went on these Herbalife drops with a few other friends in the sorority and lost 25 lbs. I met a guy who I ended up dating the next two years. He was sort of out of my league but I got comfortable anyway. We ate fast food a lot together (which I of course loved) and yet he DID care if I was fat or not. I would go on diets and look good one minute, then fat and awful the next. We broke up a few times and finally for good before graduation. At work on campus I met my future husband. I was 5'5 and about 150 lbs and a size 10-12. Of course, again, I thought I was humongous. He is a great guy who I thank God I found but that's not to say he loves my weight issues. He never dated anyone overweight before me. Still, I know he loves me. So we date for several years and my weight jumps up and down. I went from size 10 up to 16 and even once to a size 18 from the ages of 22 to 25. I joined Weight Watchers, did MANY at home weight loss videos and programs, crazy diets found online, etc etc. I still had not reached 200 lbs. I had come close but I was still exercising a ton, keeping busy with my career, socializing. Age 26 was the real benchmark. At the beginning of the year I was 180 lbs. By the end of the year, I was 220 lbs. I had done nothing noticeably different. I just gain 40 lbs out of nowhere. I went to the dr and had my thyroid checked but they said it was "alright." My breasts had gotten so big I had a breast reduction. I like to say before I had "40 longs" (40E) and after I was 38C. At age 27, I starved for 4 months before my wedding in 2004 but still weighed 200 lbs and wore a size 18 wedding dress. My wedding was absolutely perfect except for the disappointment and embarassment that 300 people were watching my husband and I up in front where we weighed probably the same. The photos make me cringe a little actually. In 2005, I woke up out of a dead sleep feeling like I was choking. I had a lump in my throat. What did I do? I got up and went to the computer and googled. Everything that came up said "thyroid." I went to a different dr who told me I was actually severely hypothyroid. By this time I weight 230 and had all but stopped working out. My body hurt and I slept about 14 hours a night/day. Several issues came up with my thyroid and ultimately it was removed surgically (end of 2005.) Unfortunately, the parathyroid glands were removed accidentally too and now I deal with other vitamin issues too. I have been on synthetic thyroid hormone and vitamins since. 2005 & 2006 were me working but tired, disappointed in my lack of diet will power, and living at size 22/24 and weight of about 250 lbs. At one point my husband tells me how much he loves me but how sad he is about my weight too. To his credit, he was nice about it but it didn't sting any less. I outweighed him by 40 lbs after all. So beginning of 2007, I joined a weight loss competition and decided despite massive hunger and knee-pain, I was going to win. By the end of month one, I was down 20 lbs and pregnant! I always wanted a family but felt like I was too fat to even think about getting pregnant. It was unexpected but I was thrilled. I was classified as a high risk pregnancy due mainly to my weight and becoming gestational diabetic. I was 221 when I got pregnant and ended up being 278 on the day I delivered. The gestational diabetes was an absolute nightmare. Testing my blood sugar non stop, the insulin injections, the DIET. Oh yes, not only was I fat and craving of all things, sugar, I had to be on a freakin diet when pregnant. I had a beautiful baby girl and feel so blessed! Immediately after, I was depressed that I was a new mom at size 24. As a little girl envisioning my future wedding and birth of child, I never envisioned being over 200 lbs and more than a size 18. I felt bad like these events were actually mediocre and that I should've been at a normal weight for them to be right. (CONTINUED IN NEXT POST...)

October 21, 2009

1

'Disgusting' (originally posted 10-27-2009 at 04:46 PM)

I've been in hiding since all of our company left & my sweat pants & 3x tshirts have become my uniform again. Today dh's former co-worker I've never met was coming by for the day so I brushed my hair, put on a very light makeup coverage, and dressed comfy but nice. Over the past several months I've felt so big & gross I haven't been going very many places with dh or his friends/family. Right or wrong- I feel like I shame everyone with my obesity even though nobody says it. Today, dh's co-worker friend, walks in and remarks on our home (which is pretty nice if I do say ) and then looks at me sort of in shock. His eyes big, his eyebrows furrowed, his mouth slightly open.. I saw it, 'wow- disgusting.' I hadn't ever met him before but I've met his kind- pretty boys, the kind who have the skinny blond gfs and wives (or both) and who pity anyone who doesn't. The rest of the time he was here he didn't look at me. I didn't really register that he didn't shake my hand until after he & dh left to go get a beer. I appreciate dh so much & feel more sad for him now. How embarassing. As for me, I sit here sad, shameful, and SO ready for a change!:smile2:

November 4, 2009

3

WLS Seminar #1 notes (from 10/7/2009) Posted 10-12-2009 at 12:20 AM by everleigh

I guess I forgot to blog about my first wls seminar that dh & I attended last Wednesday! I know I wrote a post about it but in the interest of keeping my thoughts all here in the blog- I'll add what I can remember here too. It was a seminar for the Davis Clinic in Houston (the guys on the show 'Big Medicine.) It was downtown and from 6:30-8pm. We arrived to a gorgeous hospital & went upstairs to a conference area that is being remodeled. It was dark and creepy. There were just enough seats (about 40 people there.) I got a packet that had a pretty generic info sheet to fill out. It also contained a flyer for financing your sugery, two more flyers with lapband ads, and then a stapled portion detailing step by step what was to happen if you choose to have surgery with them. Dr. Robert Davis, the older gentleman (the dad), was the only Davis there. I had hoped to meet him but after his speech & q&a, he left. It was an hr long presentation with powerpoint on the different kinds of surgery. It was good- informative-interesting. I'm glad I attended. I was disappointed that he's not a fan of lapband. Lapband is all that my drs have said I can get. GB is not ok due to my health issues. Anyway- tomorrow is my second wls seminar. Its for the Surgery Group of the Woodlands with Dr Balette. My mom is going with me & we have to be there at 8:30am. This means I gotta leave my place by about 7 to make sure I'm there in time (due to traffic.) I'm excited though!!!! Oh & the reason I've warped my face outta my pics is because I was unknowingly pictured in tons of flyers & ads locally for winning that local biggest loser comp. I have sinced dealt with people who run into me & ask if I'm that same lady (since its quite obvious I gained it all back.) It taught me to keep my weight battles private for a while until I figure it all out, therefore, no face for now . I'll post my review on wls seminar #2 tomorrow.

October 22, 2009

1

And just when we start the process... Posted 10-07-2009 at 04:32 AM by everleigh

...something comes up to likely stop it altogther. Finally, after waiting 3 weeks for the initial wls seminars in my area for the 2 drs I'm considering (& getting my DH on board for me to get lap band (self pay) ) we just found out that DH may be out of his job! More than me getting wls, I'm so sad for him. The worst part is that he's not getting laid off. His industry isn't bad. Its literally like they just are letting him go for no reason. Well, they haven't officially yet but its looking that way. He spent yesterday refreshing his resume & contacting other firms. We'll see what happens. I haven't worked in almost 4 years. Its a little embarassing to make a student loan payment on a degree you don't use but I hope to work one day again. I always used to feel like I was overlooked, underused, and unappreciated because I was fat & frumpy. (Technically, I still am! ) Anyhow, I don't currently bring in an income to help. Fortunately, dh is an excellent saver & we can live for almost a year if he was out of work. Unfortunately for me, it was to be some of that savings for lapband. Now what do I do? Dh and I are supposed to go to wls seminar #1 tonight (for the Davis Clinic here in Houston.) I already know my insurance doesn't cover any bariatric surgery (but even if it did- my husband's insurance is now precarious as it is.) I was so excited at the prospect of lap band before the holidays. Now I feel guilty. Dh said we could still go to seminars and if his employment situation changes, it may still happen that I get 'banded' (someday.) I hope tonight brings some good alternatives & ideas for payment. On the one hand I really feel this surgery will save my life. On the other- how do I reconcile taking food off our table if given the option? I'll update post seminar.

October 22, 2009

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FIRST POST... (part 2) Posted 10-04-2009 at 01:38 AM by everleigh

(CONTINUED...) 2008 I entered the local weight loss competition. I ordered Nutrisystem, worked out up to 2 hrs a day, and gave up soda and alcohol. After three months, I lost 50 lbs and won the competition. On top of winning tons of prizes, I lost 12 inches just around my waist! In 3 months, I went from a size 24 to 14/16. 250 to 200 lbs. Posters were made, the company sent out community flyers with photos of my before and after. And after all of this, after over 90 days of complete clean eating and exercise-mania.. I was STILL starving. Why was I STILL craving food? It wasn't like I didn't like to exercise. It also wasn't like I didn't like healthy food. I just wanted tons. I didn't just want one bowl of salad or veggies, I want three bowls. I was able to be thinner for about 2 months before everyone around me started noticing that I was getting fat again. Now, not only was I getting back to fat, EVERYONE in my community knew it. They had all seen the sucess flyer of thin me just recently. By the end of 2008, I was back to 250 lbs but in complete denial about it. Beginning of 2009 I gave up. I decided I was sick of it all and wasn't going to be miserable with food. By Spring I was 270 lbs. I had stopped working out completely because my knees and back hurt so bad. I looked at my daughter and thought I had to do something. I decided to go vegetarian because I had wanted to for a while and wasn't ever into meat anyway. I subscribed to eating clean. I told myself that despite always being hungry, I was only gonna eat healthy stuff. Mini diets followed since but I never really lost much this year because I didn't work out. My body is physically tapped by the end of the day just chasing after and taking care of my toddler. Last month I realized my neighbors (who all know each other) were talking about me- the hermit, who stays inside all day & night with her kid, eating. I weigh more than all of the men on the street now. My poor husband. I feel bad that I must embarass him. I went to my endocrinologist who told me the only long lasting weight loss solution was bariatric surgery. He thought I'd be a good candidate and that but for that- there's no way to "turn off" that hunger switch that always seems to be on in my head. An acquaintance also told me that she was getting Gastric Bypass. I realized I was jealous a bit. I wanted to change my life. I don't want to miss out on "life" and I don't want my daughter and husband to either. I went to a cardiologist and my digestive drs to see if I would even be a candidate and both agreed. It's time for an intervention. I'm borderline diabetes and my quality of life is definitely suffering. I called in mid September to two local drs to see about getting a consult and both require attending their seminars. This unfortunately caused me to have to wait three weeks for the next dates to come up. My insurance does not cover WLS so I will be a self pay. I had this convoluded idea (dream) that this would all happen super quick and I would be on my way to a new life. For the past three weeks all I can think about is getting surgery. I've researched, gotten mentally prepared, and studied aftercare information. Sites like this one has furthered my excitement and eagerness. I don't want to waste another day! So that is my story so far. I'm hoping I will be able to have surgery before the end of this year. The lap band seems to be the route for me as my drs have said GB is out of the question (due to my vitamin deficiencies already) and I plan to have at least one more child. I feel sort of bad like I bashed on my Mom on here. It's not that she's not fantastic and wasn't VERY involved in all of my activities.. she was at everything! It just seems like even today, all she wants to do is stay home and eat (which is consequently what I want to do too.) I notice even today how her awful eating habits have influenced me. It's NOT her fault but I see where I went wrong early. Had I had a different exposure to food early on it may have made a difference.. or perhaps not. Either way I wouldn't trade my life or my mother for anything! I just don't want my daughter to learn bad habits and behaviors like this from me. I want to change the pattern for our family and be a role model of healthy living. Thanks for reading all of this (or skimming ) I appreciate the support and advice here! everleigh Highest weight ever / Current / Goal 280 / 270 / 150 5'5 10/04/2009

October 22, 2009

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Let's catch up!

I don't get a lot of time on the computer so I usually check my email and go online from my cell phone. That being said, (as I type from my laptop tonight), I need to post the blog I started on TT over here. I like TT, but as someone else already pointed out, there's not many banders over there. Still, great people though. So, as it feels like I'm getting closer and closer to a band-day, I felt like going ahead and getting my blog bounced over here too. I'm gonna cut and paste it all over here (titles and all) and list the orig dates at the top. Oh and I also just put more pics on here. I not only block DD & DH's faces, but my own. I think I already mentioned but due to a public weight loss comp that I won and then gained all the weight back (and then some), I am trying to keep my face private for the time being. (No, I wasn't on tv or anything- it was a local thingy where my befores and afters were on posters, flyers... arghhhh). It was fun when I had the weight off but now I hang my head in shame a bit because of it. More to come as it happens! :huh2:

October 21, 2009

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