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Blog 74571

A blog by EEE3

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August 19, 2011

I can't believe I haven't "officially" been back on this site sooner. Life has been busy. Shortly, after my surgery my mom took a turn for the worse and until May 12, 2011. My days were work, family and mom. Taking care of her was one of the hardest things I have ever done. Watching a loved one suffer is heart wrenching. My life was consumed and now since she is dancing with the angels I am slowly trying to put my world back together. The empty space in time and in my heart haven't been so easy on the new lapband life and I admit that I could have done better but I'm back. I've lost 80 pounds as of today and would like to lose another 40. One foot in front of the other - one day at a time.   I can't figure out the new site so for all of those July 2010 bandsters and my friends. I send you love and good wishes.   The reality of all of this process is about love - self love and then our love for one another. Say it often.   Blessings! Elizabeth
EEE3

EEE3

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Two months and four days post surgery

Another broken promise! I suck! I promised myself I would write more often and be more present HERE . . . hmm, that isn’t going so well. I popped on this evening because I actually made it home before 8 p.m. and thought about all you beautiful women when I did it. I had a few how you doing messages and thought, I better at least post a blog and say hola!! Work is crazy. Crime doesn’t stop. For those of you who don’t know, I’m a victim advocate with the DA’s office. Lately, nothing but homicides and sexual assaults; to say it has been INSANE at work is an understatement. Nonstop trials and nonstop crime. I often joke that even if crime in Denver stopped for a month we would still be busy. Sadly, it is true. Anyway, I haven’t magically lost another 50 pounds in the 4 weeks I have been a way. D*mn! I wish! I’m at 38 or 39 pounds. It would have been more but two weeks ago I did a four day and four pound gain trip to New Orleans. Didn’t eat it on – how sad is that? Actually, couldn’t eat much there. Not a vegetarian town but oh my goodness did I get my drink on! It was a girl trip – celebrating the upcoming wedding of my best friend – lush event. I’m not a drinker but those drinks there are yummy and who cannot dance and drink at the same time! I know! I know! Excuses! Excuses. I lost all of it and two more pounds in a week but I had to work it! I felt bad though! Thank goodness I only visit there once a year! I had my first fill on the 26th of August and it was piece of cake. I was worried for nothing. Doctor showed me exactly where my port was and felt it for the first time. Strange! I have my second fill next week on the 30th. I definitely feel restriction but am ready for the next one. Oh and my significant other and I joined 24 hour fitness. I’m working through my own head and self-esteem issues about being a fat girl at the gym. I’m doing it though! That’s my update. You all have to leave a note and let me know how you are doing. I love to hear about you all – even if I am horrid at updating. I’ll try to post some pictures after my BFF gets married. She is Indian and we are all wearing sarees. I’m her Goddess of Honor! LOVE it! And of course, I’m sending lots of love and good energy to you all too! Hugs, Elizabeth
EEE3

EEE3

3
 

Fat Girl Moment

Okay . . . why why why did my doctor have to tell me I wasn't restricted. It's true and it is a LIE!!! So, my dumb, fluffy arse had a long day at work - 12 hours plus!   I got a new case that ranks in my top ten of most awful crimes ever. Just when I think I have seen it all or think maybe I have become jaded to what we can do to one another as human beings I get shocked! And even after 22 years in the business, I am stunned by this one! And to top it off, our jury came back not guilty on an assault on an at risk person so, I'm sure you are getting the picture - not a good day!   I decide I'm going to cook this yummy vegetarian dish. Moroccan Spiced Sweet Potato Medley. It's healthy. It's spicy. It's yummy. Only, I didn't have any cilantro or raisins. I stop at the store. Fresh hot bread. The smell was enough to make me think about committing a crime of my own. Bread is my weakness! Hot bread - well I could kill for it!!   I know you all see the writing on the fat girl wall. Yes, I bought it. It was for the boys not me! The lies we tell ourselves! I get home cut a piece after all the doctor said I wasn't restricted. What could one piece hurt? And my dumb arse ate it. Then I ate a second one. I felt fine for a minute and then it came . . . chest crushing pain and a feeling of something being stuck in the center of my chest. Or maybe it was the feeling of an elephant sitting dead smack in the middle of my chest. Whatever it was - it wasn't good! You can only guess I experienced my first episode of PBing! DISGUSTING. Now, I know what other bandsters are talking about! OH SO GROSS! And as I told my daughter and now my grand-daughter - pretty women don't do that! Laughing out loud - nothing pretty about a fat girl moment!   So, no Moroccan Spiced Sweet Potato Medley for me. Not even one damn bite - I'm too afraid! First fill - hurry up!   I've lost 27 pounds (in 3.5 weeks) and been stuck there for 5 days - I am sure my punishment for fat girl moment will be two fold. PBing and a movement in the wrong direction on the scale tomorrow morning. GRRRR!!!   Lessons I'm learning . . . 1. Old habits are hard to break. 2. Stay away from grocery stores after work when the hot bread now is like a smellorama from hell! 3. Pay attention to emotions and why I eat!   Better luck next time!
EEE3

EEE3

9
 

In sorrow I believe in hope. In tears - beauty.

I went to the movies yesterday, on the last official day of my non vacation. I call it a non-vacation because I thought before I had this surgery that I would be strong enough to get my proverbial house in order. You know extra energy to clean out all of the closets and clean out my garage which has somehow become the holding cell of 15 years worth of life. That’s a lot of stuff especially when you consider that in the garage there are belongings of my dead paternal family (grandfather, father and grandmother all dead in a 9 month period of time – now that was a tough year) and a maternal grandmother who left this plane a while ago and a maternal grandfather who at age 90 packed his house up and gave it all away in order to live in a retirement community. Now, he basically vacillates between waiting to die and wanting not to. He hasn’t decided which realm he wants to live in. I say all that to say it’s a lot of stuff. An attic full and built in cabinets full not to mention the boxes. I’ve been divorced a long time and the tool area of my garage is well, limited at best. I think you get the picture – a lot of stuff!   Anyway, I went to the movies with a woman who inspires me. She has single handled saved more refugees than anyone know. When I say refugees – think about Darfur, Somali, Sudan, Rwanda, Burma and countless other countries where people are murdered and tortured and raped in the most horrific of ways and most of us aren’t brave enough to even look let alone help. And there isn’t judgment in that statement – it just is the way we are. I know those stories – I’ve listened to them but, for a fraction of the time she has. We saw The Kids Are All Right, which I enjoyed. It was a nice break from the routine my life has become since surgery. My back is acting up since the surgery and despite an emergency epidural steroid injection there hasn’t been much relief. Sitting is hell but, I did it because I like her and because she sent me an email a few weeks before my surgery that screamed sorrow. I don’t think anyone should sit in that place too long or alone. Call me Pollyanna but I do still believe in the power of love.   After the film, she sat with me on a leather chair in the middle of the mall and she cried for two hours. Big tears that left trails in even the most perfect of skin. My heart broke with her. I listened because I have learned that listening is a gift we so rarely offer one another and since leaving her I can’t stop thinking about sorrow.   I’ve spent a lifetime in one form of suffering or another – maybe we all have. I think I have a good handle on suffering and I really do believe that in every one of our tears there is a gift. A lesson offered, a way to embrace wisdom or a path to our own soul’s evolution. When we get better so does the world. I need it to have meaning and to matter.   I go back to work Monday and I jump straight into trial. I told Udai, that it’s good I have a month before September. I’m scared of September. I’m scared of the case that I know if the jury finds the defendant not guilty I will break. I know I’ve over stepped my boundaries but, some things in life are so horrific that they hardly seem human or better said the perpetrators hardly seem human. Some crimes are so monstrous they can’t even be spoken out loud because the ears and the hearts of the person listening would die. I carry those stories and sometimes, people’s sorrow haunts me. She is a victim I will carry to the fire.   Today, my house is quiet. My son out at a birthday party with his girlfriend. Udai at work – scrambling to make it through audits. I am pissed that my back hurts and then I step back and I think, how dare you feel self-sympathy when there is so much suffering the world and in that suffering the most intense beauty. The rawness of humanity humbles me and leaves my head bowed in deep gratitude to life and to all that is Divine.        
EEE3

EEE3

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Two weeks and a day out!

Hello Fellow Bandsters! I just thought I would post a quick update. I had my two week follow up yesterday. Dr. Brown said I had lost 21 pounds. I was shocked! He was really happy. He said because there is no fill - no restriction most people don't lose much until they get that first fill. He told me not to be upset if I gain a few pounds before my fill (2.5 weeks from now) and I told him that wasn't an option! I'll try any way. I am definitely hungry now a few hours after I eat and can eat anything but am avoiding all the things I know I won't be able to eat in the future - bread, pasta, and rice. I'm a vegetarian and have been eating a lot of Indian (good thing I can cook it) so it is filled with protein and that is good. I am still having issues with loose stools (gross I know) but hopefully that will get better with time. I go back to the life of fighting crime on Monday and actually am excited to go back to work. I miss it! Pathetic I know! I hope everyone else (especially the July folks) are doing well. Peace and blessings, Elizabeth
EEE3

EEE3

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Thank God It's Friday (Day 5)

Today I feel grateful! I am finally keeping liquids down even if it isn't 64 ounces - every little sip thrills me! When I woke up this morning I realized I haven't had my chai tea in over 10 days and I have survived the caffeine withdrawals without incident. I never thought a week ago that I would have the gratitude I do now for water but I do.   I KNOW I have a long road to go but am so happy to feel a little better today. I have taken all your comments on my prior blogs with such thankfulness! I think a lot of the doctors and medical personnel staff create direction for our lives post surgery without fully understanding that lap band is a major surgery and every body reacts in its own way. I decided I am going to make recommendations to the Kaiser in Denver. They can choose to help those on this journey or not but, to recommend thick liquids and runny cream of wheat, oatmeal, etc to someone who is hours out of surgery is INSANITY. Even if I did experience more swelling than the "normal" patient (and I don't know if I did or did not) it is far too speedy a move.   So, slowly I walk forward - hoping that today brings more clarity and peace to my body, mind and soul.   I am going to go clean mi casa and then work through figuring out insurance crap. My house was hailed on July 4, 2010 and I need to find a roofer. Wish you were me right? LOL   God Bless you all and thank you SOOOO much for your presence here.   "He who learns ---teaches." Ethiopian Proverb
EEE3

EEE3

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Day Four - back home from 2nd hospital trip

Yesterday was rough. I didn't think I would be in hospital twice in one week but by noon I was vomiting mucus and blood. I had a fever and literally felt like I was going to die. I had not been able to keep down the four ounces of water I had tried. I called Kaiser at 12:15 p.m. and was told I had to call the surgeon. Called the surgeon and his office was closed for lunch. Waiting in misery until 1 p. m. called again and was told someone would call back. Between 2 and 4, my honey and I had called Kaiser and doc's office at least 6 times. Finally, spoke with weight loss nurse from Kaiser who said if I was vomiting blood I needed to get to ER ASAP.   Long story short, after a scare that the band had slipped or was too tight, they determined I was super swollen and liquids were barely going through. (xray, cscans and barium swallow) I spent night in hospital (super dehydrated) and was sent home this morning. I definitely agree with some of the comments on my blog from yesterday. I think Kaiser's recommendations are completely off the mark and that one should never go from lap band surgery to thick liquids (cream of wheat runny or not) the day after surgery. I'm back on clear liquids (even though doc said I could do thicker liquids) because I feel safer that way and do not want a repeat of yesterday!   I have diarrhea like water (12 times today) (sorry to be gross) that is just bile and my white blood cell count is elevated. They are testing me for CDIF and hopefully I don't have that to deal with. All that being said, I'm sipping slowly and trying to rest a lot more today and maybe in a few days I'll be human again!   Lesson number 1 - be gentle with self!
EEE3

EEE3

8
 

3 Days Post Op

I am a little worried. I recognize this is a new experience and that I'm learning to listen to my body in a different way than I ever have before.   Yesterday I was sore, more sore than I was the first day - today less sore; except of course, from my port incision. It looks good but still really swollen. The thing I'm worried about is yesterday despite the recommendations that I eat 2 tablespoons of liquid food (runny cream of wheat, creamed soup, etc) five times a day I couldn't. By the end of the evening, my ribs felt like they had been beaten with a two by four and by 10:30 at night I felt like maybe I was stuck - although on what I still can't figure it out. And in truth, I don't really know what stuck feels like. My stomach gurgles and gurgles and gurgles, so much so that it woke up my beloved. I feel like when I drink even an ounce of water it's backed up and then it gurgles more.   Does anyone have any insight into this? I've gone super slow this morning and am trying warm herbal tea now but nothing seems to alleviate this. Am I blocked? Is it gas? I'm walking but nothing seems to shift this.   Patiently trying to figure it all out but not going to eat even liquid food until I know it is okay . . . nervous Nelly!
EEE3

EEE3

3
 

Day After Surgery

I had my lap-band put in yesterday. Dr. Thomas Brown did my surgery. I have read both negative and positive things about him but from day one we hit it off and he did an excellent job on the surgery. I really like him. He is a nice man!   I had to be at hospital at 5:30 a.m. They ran through the gamut of registration paperwork and I was brought up the pre/post surgery unit where they hooked up two IV's - one a saline based bag and the other a bag of antibiotics. I met with anesthesiologist and Dr. Brown and around 715 a.m. I was brought up for surgery. I honestly don't even remember them putting me under. Note to those of you who have had the surgery - I'm a puker and super drug sensitive and they gave me an anti-nausea patch that is behind my ear. It lasts for three days and has been helpful.   I woke up in recovery and had to ask a few times if they actually did the surgery because I couldn't feel anything different. After being in recovery for a couple of hours they sent me back downstairs to the pre/post surgery nurses. I got up right away used the bathroom and walked the halls. By 11:30 a.m. I was in the car and on my way home.   I slept most of the day yesterday. By 4:00 p.m., my beloved was waking me up every 15 minutes so I could have my sip of water. I definitely didn't get the 64 ounces but maybe 1/3 of that.   This morning I woke up a little sorer - guess the drugs wore off. Even though they gave me percocet I have only been taking Tylenol every 4 hours and that is enough. I'm really scared of vomiting and know the percocet would do that.   I had 2 teaspoons of runny Greek yogurt this morning and have held it in without any problems. So maybe in a couple of hours I'll try some creamed soup pulverized in the blender. Kaiser gives out a great handbook that tells you what you can eat at each week stage. I'm on full liquids for two weeks and that is fine with me. Right now I don't feel like eating, which is rather a crazy thought to me given that I've been on clear liquid fast before surgery.   I also read alot on this site about gas pains. I have some but not bad either. Someone here recommend gas X strips and they work. Definitely buy that and liquid Tylenol before your surgery. Oh and this morning my beloved took off the gauze and replaced it. I have 5 incisions and they are all about the belly button. Three 1/2 inch ones, one 2 inch incision above my belly button and then a 3 1/2 or 4 inch incision to the left of it, where the port is.   I'm glad it is over and look forward to losing this fat and feeling better with each passing day!
EEE3

EEE3

4
 

Day Two and Two Days To Go

Yesterday was surreal more than anything. I meditate. I used to do it twice a day but the past few months have been so soul consuming I haven't meditated or prayed with any sort of regularity. I miss that connection to the Divine, but there is this space in meditation where I feel disconnected
EEE3

EEE3

0
 

4 Days and Counting

My first entry. I've promised myself to write often. A place holder for all these thoughts and feelings. I have secretly lured in the corners of others thoughts on this site during my journey to surgery - to the other side of fat (hopefully). What a gift that sharing has been.   Tomorrow we are burying my best friend (of 22 years) ex-wife (who was also a friend and the mother of two children I watched grow up). She was fat too. Fat and sick. I'm lucky because right now I'm only fat. Well, fat and injured. Tomorrow won't be easy. Sometimes pain is tangible.   A week ago, I sat in the hospital until 2:30 in the morning. I held her children as they laid on her dead body and cried over and over "I want my mom back." It doesn't matter that they are 22 & 26; they are children and no one ever loves us the way our mothers do. I watched my friend swallow his grief and honor his children in a way so few men do. I was and remain humbled by his love.   Tomorrow I start the required three day fast. I haven't gone shopping yet for supplies. I haven't finished the laundry or cleaning my house. I haven't written my will just in case something happens and I feel a tad overwhelmed and a lot afraid of the biggest looming question . . . am I am strong enough to do all of this? We minimize ourselves with such ease.   All I can do is step back and look at the year journey to right here and now. All I can do is know that Monday morning at 5:30 a.m. I will be in a hospital gown or as a dear child I know calls it, "a sick gown". Why do they have to be so ugly? :thumbup: I will be waiting for the beginning of the second half of my life. Maybe this half will be as a thinner person. Will that be different from the first half? Time truly does tell all.   I am praying a lot this week - not for me but, for life and for the healing of a lot of people - mostly those motherless children whose age is irrelevant.   Namaste.
EEE3

EEE3

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