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feeling introspective

Ok I havent posted in a few months. Ankle is still on the mend, not 100% after 3 months but I think its about as good as its going to get. Been doing not so good lately, really the past 2 months! Have been very up and down with both my mood and eating, note the coorelation!! Have only lost about 5 pounds over the past 2 months, very depressing! Add that to my already down self and I have been just beating myself. Of course my wonderful husband has taken the pleasure of kicking me while Im down. Why is it that I allow this man, who is supposed to be the closest person in the world to me, put me down and make me feel bad ALL the time. Why am I allowing this? I dealt with YEARS of my mothers verbal abuse and negativity and belittleing and I cut off all relationship with her to get away from that. Now I see I have my husband to take her place.Is this an insecurity on his part?? He feels that is he makes me feel like shit it gives him a boost or keeps me with him?? I cant do this anymore, I am not a weak person, I am not willing to accept failure, I will not allow someone to control me and make me feel less important! Now I'm seeing what he put me through, what he has done and been doing for years, Now i'm getting angry! Now I'll show that jackass who I am, how strong I can be, how I dont need him. Oh how shocked he'll be when he finds himself alone with nothing:mad2:
velvets143

velvets143

1
 

So tired of this....

I am so tired of all of this crap! I feel like hell and no one is doing a damn thing about it. This started back in JANUARY! It was very mild compared to now but I went to see my dr and he didnt think it was anything but let him know if it continues. It went away but came back every once in a while. Just getting random stabbing pain under my rib on the r side, it would come and go so no big deal. I let it go... In march, it came on strong. Feeling completely miserable, in pain, and disgustingly nausous. Didn't want to go to the dr so I waited and waited. Then I got sick at work, one of the worst attacks I had, got sent to ER. They gave me a ton of meds to try and control the nausea but it wasnt helping. Spent the whole night there and found nothing- no gallstones or inflammation. I went home feeling just as bad as I did when I went in. Again, i put off going to my dr. Didn't want to admit that there was something wrong. I tried to ignore it and hope it would get better. A miserable week later and I finally go to the dr. Go have a HIDA- another week later have the HIDA and upper GI. Now I have been suffering for 6 weeks, a trip to the ER, a bunch of meds, drink a bottle of CAT Sacn dye, IV dye, ultrasound, 2 bottles of barium, plus the CCk, all on my already stomach that is already turning!! Another week later and I am back at the dr. I get a little bit of a feeling from him that he doubts me but I give consent for surgery. Take this stupid gallbladder out, I cant stand feeling like this anymore. That was a week ago! I am still waiting to hear from the office when they are going to schedule this. What the hell is wrong with them?? A week of waiting for them to schedule?? then they are going to call me and say they scheduled it for another week or 2 away! I am absolutely miserable, I am really not eating because it makes me sick. I am losing weight which would be a plus but now it is excessive and not healthy, I am tired all the time, have no energy, dont want to talk to anyone, my patience is worn out and I really think I am going to lose it.:wub::biggrin::w00t:
velvets143

velvets143

2
 

Happy Bandiversary to me!

Yes, it is here already! It is my one year anniversary of getting my Lap band. Overall i am very happy, down 110 pounds, have no complaints. Have had a few little issues along the way but really has been relatively easy. Unfortunatley I think its harder for me now then it was in the beginning. I am not losing as much, which is to be expected but it makes it harder to stick to. The last 2 months i lost only 3 pounds a month and agreed to have my 1st adjustment. Was really unhappy about that, couldn't help but see that as a failure for me. Did okay after, didnt notice any difference but committed to do better for this month. 2 weeks ago I started having problems, noticed I was feeling really sick and in pain after only a few bites. Thought I did something wrong, so I let it go. Tried to convince myself that I must have eaten too much or too fast or just something that I should have. It continued and feeling miserable, tired of being in pain, tired of vomiting, I decided to stay on liquids until I saw my doctor the following week. Ok, maybe not the best idea but i did it and felt a little better. No more stabbing pain and no throwing up, YUCK! Sunday got up, went to the gym for my boot camp and conditioning classes- 2 hours of heavy classes- on liquids for 3 days prior- of course I got a little dizzy but I got through it, home, shower, run around, keagans football game- really feeling dizzy at times, had to try and eat- got sick:-( Monday morning took the kids to school, went to the gym, had to pick up my son from school early after he banged his head during recess, cleaned house, picked up the other 2 kids, home work, dinner, off to work for me. The standard crap for me- worked all night- still taking just liquids. Tuesday morning got off work, went home, took kids to school, went to the gym, home, showere, doctors appt. Really not feeling well!!! Almost passed out in his office, oh how wonderful. Thinking about it now i probably did it to myslef by not eating for 6 days and continuing to go to the gym and run here and there and not sleep since sunday night. But what can I say, I am a genius! Doctor was obviously concerned but i cant help but feel a little annoyed at him- while Im dizzy and fighting nausea- he asked me if I took any medication? I know he kind of has to, i understand the reasoning, i get it but REALLY??It takes a lot for me to say that something is not right, that im not feeling good and for that to be the responce, kind of pisses me off. Took me a while a hit me what he was talking about, I run all day long, like I really have time to start popping pills. Even after leaving there, i went home and cleaned house, picked up the kids, homework, dinner and back to work I went. Upper Gi showed the band is fine, great so maybe I did this to myself?? Maybe my biggest issue is the fact that I run on power naps so that I can stay up for my 72 hour days. Oh and just to add to me feeling like shit, I lost absolutley no weight over the month, 0! Just add that little kick in there.   Sorry, I really have no regrets about choosing the banding and have had great results, I am just frustrated right now and I do not have any clue what I am doing wrong:mad2:
velvets143

velvets143

1
 

So disappointed!!

So, this is my first blog! I am 4 months post-op, I have been doing pretty well so far. Or so I thought.... I have been in the gym every day and loving it. Initially I was being good about tracking what I was eating and protein intake, etc. Now I have kind of slacked off and been cheating more. Dont know why but I was fooling myself thinking it would be ok>Then I had my doctors appointment last week and it was like a slap in the face- only 4 pounds down this month:-( I really was not aware of how much I had cheated until I got weighed, then I had a flashback of every little indiscretion of the previous month.So completely disappointed in myself. Trying to stay positive and convince myself that maybe I needed this to get me back on track. 8 days and NO cheats, not one!!! Also, I have been getting to extra classes at the gym and pushing myself a little more. My first short term goal was to be under 250 by New Years, made that without a problem. My next goal was to be under 200 by June 1. If I stay on track I should be able to make that but if I slip up.... Oh BTW- I have not had any adjustments- I have not needed any until this last appointment. I chose not to have one this month because I think my pathetic showing for the past month had nothing to do with adjustment. It was not that I was feeling hungry, I wasnt eating too much at one time. I was picking, a little of this, a little of that. I knew when I was doing it that I shouldn't be eating that crap!   Well, there it is, my first blog! I guess we'll see what happens over the next few weeks.
velvets143

velvets143

4
 

Stupid accident and completely sidetracked

Ok I am a HUGE clutz!! I am always doing something stupid, walking into things, dropping stuff. I am always the one to spill something or knock something over. Well 3 weeks ago, Saturday August 7th to be exact, I went to my interval training class at the gym. The first part of the class is with the step platform. I have been doing these type of classes for YEARS! So what does stupid me do, I jumped up on the step and must have stepped on the edge of the step instead of the middle, turned my ankle sideways and then fell on it. Took me a minute to realize what the hell happened, thought I just twisted my ankle and it'll be okay. Attempted to finish my class but within a few minutes it was a large swollen, bruised , PAINFUL mess. Left the gym and went to the hospital for an x-ray, no fracture thankfully but a bad sprain. They gave me an aircast and crutches, said if its not better to call ortho. I am also stubborn and put it in my head that its not broken, it'll heal on its own. Waited a week and still limping horribly, and in pain, finally went to ortho to find out I tore a ligament. He ordered a new brace and physical therapy. Now its been close to 2 weeks that I havent been in the gym, sitting home, bored, eating garbage I shouldnt be touching. Limped my ass into the gym with the brace on and did the elliptical, figured that was no impact. Has slowly been getting better but i still cant take an impact on that ankle and i have no lateral mobility to it. Now its 3 weeks and im still in this stupid brace, still pushing everyday in the gym to see how much I can do. 3 weeks and i still have a swollen, painful ankle. WHen the hell is this going to get better and how the hell am I going to explain to my surgeon all the crap I ate. So mad at myself so this!!
velvets143

velvets143

2
 

Now I realize who my friends are

This whole process has been relatively easy for me. I think its because of the wonderful supportive people I have around me. I have been very open with my plans from the beginning. I had a few people that were skeptical, most had questions about the whole thing. The wonderful women I work with have been my personal cheering section and I am so grateful to have them. They have been terrific about being my support group, pointing out my success, and picking me up when I slipped. There is a few that know how much this means to me and some that never will. They are helping me change my life and for that I will always be grateful to them
velvets143

velvets143

2
 

Update

Ok I had the evil gallbladder removed yesterday. Immediately after I woke up I felt relief!! The first time in months I dont feel that lump under my rib, no more random stabbing pain, and best of all no more nausea!!! I woke up feeling no pain, just a sore throat. I was happy to see that my wonderful surgeon could use 2 of my old incisions(from banding) and the 3rd is in my belly button so it wont show. Not that i have any intention of showing my belly but less scars makes me feel better. I am feeling great and hope to get back in the gym on Monday- obviously taking it very lightly but need to do something. Back to tracking my food intake and really sticking to low fat, non greasy things. Need to go food shopping today- get some lean ground turkey instead of beef, hubby and kids are going to riot!!!
velvets143

velvets143

1
 

Aaarrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrgggggg ggggggggggg!!

So freaking aggravated! I have been doing well the past months. Then the stupid gallbladder issues but i was still losing. Now this month I have been back and forth up and down repeatedly the same 5 F*** pounds. I am in the gym everyday, usually 2 hours a day and I am eating less than I had been previously. If it was something i was doing wrong I could understand not losing. I had one bad month where I only lost 4 pounds and I know I had cheated a lot and been drinking. I have been sticking to the rules throughout the month and now I have my appointment in an hour and I am showing NO LOSS!! NONE! I want to scream and cry:-(
velvets143

velvets143

0
 

Needed a boost

After my pathetic loss at my doctors appointment last week, I have been feeling really disappointed. I have been good about not cheating since then but I am constantly thinking about that stupid scale and only 4 pounds!! I needed to give myself some positivity. I did my measurements when I was 6 days post op.I have been recording my measurements randomly about once a month. I never went back and compared them. Well, i needed a boost so here it is: Bust -5 inches Belly -10.5 inches Hips -9 inches Thighs -4 inches each Arms -2 inches each In 4 months I have decreased myself by 53 inches!! That gave me a nice boost but also made me realize just how far I had let myself go. Am I really just being too hard on myself?? Expecting too much??
velvets143

velvets143

3
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