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Finding myself for the first time

Entries in this blog

 

Day 6 - fear and cake

I have 21 days to surgery and I'm scared. Fear is the body's way to keep change at bay - we get comfortable in every sense of the word and change is a threat. I know this. I'm not going to give in to fear. Some one said having LapBand is like "freedom" and thats what I'm going to believe.   Having already lost some weight - I think "I can just do this on my own" but then I remember how many times I've been down that road and it all comes back.   I went to AA last night - haven't been in a while. Someone suggested I should tell my sponsor my plans, so I went with that in mind. I was pushed away - for real, not just my perception. I was told "don't let life get in the way of AA". Wow. That was the last place I expected to be judged for not meeting someone elses expectations. It's ok. I'll get my support elsewhere.   On another note - they had cake - very moist yummy cake - I thought "I can't eat that!!", but then I had a celebration of sorts. I decided this may very well be the last cake I ever eat. I took the smallest piece and savored every bite - cream cheese frosting and rasperries with chocolate....I told myself to feel no guilt and just enjoy the flavor knowing it was the last for a very long time. So I did.   I feel strong in my decision (in spite of fear) and every time I think about it - it comes in flashes of excitement and anticipation throughout the day - I get that little jolt of adreneline...you know the one??
LittleBird

LittleBird

2
 

Day 5 - the treadmill

I've been faithfully doing the low carb diet - the one I love - for a week or two anyway - until anything green makes me want to run and hide! The good news is I've lost 5 lbs in the few days I've been doing it. Considering that is the first time the scale has moved THAT direction in about 6 months, thats a real high for me.   Taking in less carbs I feel my energy slowing coming back...Enought that I dusted off my treadmill and took a "walk" last night. Did just over a mile - slowly so as not to overdo it - overall with warm up and warm down I walked about 27 minutes. Now the trick is to keep that up -every day!   My dad is having a breakdown about the surgery. He is sending me some article from USA today. I looked it up online. It's an article primarly about Gastric Bypass surgery that is based on old data and stats. I don't need his approval, but his attitude is frustrating. If I had cancer would he tell me not to do chemo?? I don't think he realizes LapBand and Gastric Bypass are totally different things.
LittleBird

LittleBird

2
 

Day 4 - McDonalds

Hubby and I went to Wal-Mart today to buy some stuff for the pool (it turned green overnight) and Atkins shakes - Wal-Mart is the cheapest place I know to buy them! While there, my husband, who is diabetic, said "I have to get something to eat". There is a 24 hour McDonalds inside Wal-Mart - go figure.   Sitting in McDonalds - (the side salad tastes like plastic by the way) I looked around. There was a woman there in a mobile shopping cart - very obese. My heart went out to her. I realized how lucky I am to be able to give myself this gift. An opportunity for a new, healthier me. I realize not everyone is able to or even knows that there are options for themselves.   I weighed this morning - I know, I know...but I'm eager to see SOME results - and it looked like I was down 3 lbs. I'll weigh again tommorrow to be sure.   My husband realized today that when I'm banded I won't be able to drink carbonated beverages - he was upset about that. I'm not sure why. I told him he could drink whatever he wanted, but he said he would feel guilty about it. I reminded him that soda wasn't healthy anyway....
LittleBird

LittleBird

2
 

Day 3 - my purple bikini

Its early today but I want to write anyway-   its hot - really hot for my area - yesterday 94 (we are usually 74 this time of year). I put on my bright purple bikini and went for a swim in the 4 foot pool (the above ground pool for my kids). Since I was at home and no one could see me, I didn't have a problem wearing that suit - but I did think - It won't be long and I might actually ENJOY wearing a bathing suit. Whoohoo.   Switched to an Atkins shake for breakfast instead of a scrambled egg - well ok - 2 scrambled eggs. I think the shake is better for me. I'm doing ok - acutally always did on Atkins because its not calorie restriction, just carb restriction and I can usually handle that for a while. With less than 4 weeks to surgery, I think I'll be fine.   I know I shouldn't but I weighed this morning - my scale is screwy - one of those that you can set to 0, weigh, and step off and suddenly its no longer at 0 - so I never get reliable results. Either way, I don't think I've lost any yet. I feel confident I'll be able to drop the 12 lbs before surgery though.   I've made an effort to drink more water - with the heat its even more important and I know it will help with the weight loss.
LittleBird

LittleBird

1
 

Day 2 - real people!

I had the wonderful opportunity to go to a very local support group yesterday - just a couple of miles from the house! I called my primary Dr. today to make sure I'm "good to go". She's on vacation, wouldn't you know it, but the RN is going to have her call me when she gets back next week. The RN at the support group said it was a good idea to rule out anything that might present complications BEFORE going to Mexico. It's good advice and something I wouldn't have thought of on my own.   I'm very excited to have a support group of real live and in person people to ask questions of, meet, and talk to. Hubby went with me as well and I think it helped put him at ease.   I started the low carb yummy Atkins diet (I'm being a little sarcastic as I was on the diet for a year and I am no longer fond of all those greens daily) for real yesterday to help with my pre-op weight loss. I'd like to lose 12 lbs as that is 5% of my total body weight. I figure anything I lose now will just get me that much closer to my goal after the surgery.   I talked to my step mom yesterday - who is a nurse - and she didn't give me the ration of shit my dad did. I know they are both just worried about me and want me to be "ok" but they aren't in my flesh and I hate feeling like I have to justify my decision to them. The conversation went ok - she said half of her coworkers (at the hospital) have had the surgery. She also said she thinks the ones who have the best success use high end liquid multi vitamins including B. I'll have to check that out.
LittleBird

LittleBird

2
 

Day one - Lose weight and quit smoking, FUN

I scheduled surgery yesterday with Dr. Ortiz in Mexico. I'm scheduled for Aug. 16th. I booked airline tickets for me and hubby last night after work. I paid my deposit. There is no turning back now!   Since I need to lose 10lbs before the surgery date, I figured I might as well get started so today I'm reverting back to Atkins low carb eating.   Much to my suprise I was told you can't smoke 2 weeks before the surgery. GREAT! Quit smoking AND lose 10 lbs. I guess if I'm going to quit, this is the best time since my focus is on weight LOSS at the same time. I did warn my hubby that I might be bitchy though!   I'm feeling scared, a little Foggy - like "I'm just moving forward" can't over think it. I know it'll be a great decision and I have to trust my instinct. I'm sad thinking of the foods I won't be able to enjoy - like those flaky dinner rolls that come in a can.....   I weighed yesterday. I'm at a whopping 255. I HATE that, but I can rest assured this will be my highest weight and I'm never going back there!
LittleBird

LittleBird

2
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