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Finding myself for the first time

Entries in this blog

 

I can....

At my goal weight these are the things I know I'll be able to accomplish, feel, and enjoy.   Next year at this time:   I can run. I can hike down and back up the high bank at my house that leads to the river bank. I can cross my legs. I hold my head high when I walk in a room. I enjoy shopping for clothes. I can play with my kids regardless of the activity. I can go skydiving. I can buy that sex toy DH and I want because I'll be well under the weight restriction! I can wear leather pants and look GREAT in them. I can choose any type of lingerie I want. I feel sexy when I'm naked with my man. I am at my optimal health. I have healthy cholesterol levels. I have energy. I am no longer a high risk for stroke, cancer, heart attack. I can ride my bike tirelessly. I can fit on the back of the motorcycle with DH. I can wear a wet suit and learn to snorkel. I can swim and enjoy it. My skin is fresh and clear. I can buy SEXY panties. I can buy SEXY bras. I can wear stockings with garters. I will enjoy traveling by plane. I enjoy my summer in tanks and shorts. My knees don't hurt. I smile more. I laugh often. I don't feel depressed.       I'll probably add to this. Might even start a thread. These are the things that motivate me, its what my "goal weight" really means.
LittleBird

LittleBird

4
 

Going in

Im in Mexico since yesterday. WHAT an experience! Waiting for the van to take the group of us to the clinic for surgery today. Feeling jittery, nervous, and good all at the same time.   I will post again after surgery!!
LittleBird

LittleBird

2
 

Going for try #2

Since my last fill was unsucessful I have another scheduled for the 18th. I'm toning up good with all the walking I've been doing - rushing for public transportation - I'm hoping that is enough to make this fill sucessful.   My fellow bandster (banded on the same day) has already had two fills! I feel good about my progress, but knowing the holidays are coming, I'd rather have better restriction! This may be my first holiday in a very long time where I LOSE rather than gain the weight!   Also, just an FYI for anyone needing fills in NW Washington area....My fill center just launched an information site. www.northwestfills.com
LittleBird

LittleBird

1
 

Food -

I have very cautiously begun eating soft, moist regular food. Chili, mashed potatos with gravy, baked chicken thigh with gravy are some examples. The hardest part I'm having is this chewing - I'm doing it just fine, but I find it affects the way I TASTE the food - I'm so concentrated on chewing that the food touches my teeth, not my tounge. I wonder if this will always be the case??   The good news is with the added food (still staying around 500-700 calories a day with these portions) my bowels are working more normally now. There is something reasuring about that....   I am feeling much better each day. The nasuea (I can't spell that word) I discovered is really just all gas - the GasX wasn't working before I think becuase I was still swollen inside, but its helping now. I must have belched about 4 times at dinner last night. My kids were so proud of me! "That's great Mom! Do you feel better?" Without that gas, the sick to my stomach feeling goes away or subsides at least.   I found that a cup of tea at night is a great way to get more fluids in - it tastes good and feels good going down.
LittleBird

LittleBird

1
 

Feels weird

It feels wierd when I lay flat on my back. I'm sure its my port in there - but its such a wierd sensation. I'm afraid to poke around and feel my port - I'm afriad it will hurt. My scars are healing up though and almost all of the glue is gone.   DH is sad to see my boobs and butt shrinking.   I was putting lotion on my hands yesterday and I realized even my hands feel different - I can feel my knuckles more than before. It's strange because I never thought about fat hands - my ring is still tight and I haven't lost any more pounds yet, but my body FEELS different every day.   I didn't walk last night - was TIRED after work and dinner.   Had 4 oz. of tuna for breakfast. Felt very different to be eating tuna while the guys were munching on doughnuts and pastry.
LittleBird

LittleBird

3
 

Everything is relative isn't it?

Here is a thought - last time I weighed 233 I was on the way UP and I felt horrible about my body - this time I'm on the way DOWN and that SAME body feels great to me, my attitude is wonderful, I walk with more confidence, style my hair in the morning instead of putting it in a clip...   It helps me understand and really SEE that its all about perspective.   Same body - entirely different attitude.
LittleBird

LittleBird

2
 

Eating my protien

I'm drinking my water and eating my protien. I have a confession to make though. Since surgery I have not been up at night for the midnight munchies. Last night I was - I know its happening when it happens but its like being in a fog....   I get up to pee.   I go to the kitchen.   I open the fridge and look for something to satisfy me - I don't know if I am hungry, just compelled to eat something.   The voice in my head says "You don't need to eat right now. You should go back to bed" and yet, I keep looking. :hungry:   Fortunatley last night I didn't have anything screaming at me - no crab dip with ritz crackers, no pudding, no leftovers...So I didn't completely sabotage myself. I grabbed the only substitution which was a bag of Ruffles - plain, which I hate - ate two (chips not bags!) and went back to bed.   THANK GOD.   I know that my late night eating was out of control before surgery. It was one of my fears when considering surgery - how was I going to overcome this?   I wonder if its late night hunger - my swelling is gone and I know I'm now able to eat more than before (a week and a half ago) - but I am still limited to what I can eat at a time.     Is my body rebelling? Crying out for calories? Or is this a head thing?   I'm trying to keep portion control myself, but I am looking forward to my first fill - when its time. I'm still shrinking - though the scale hasn't changed - I can see the changes in my arms, my face, my legs, my belly so I'm not discouraged. I guess I'll see how I do in the coming weeks with this midnight battle.
LittleBird

LittleBird

3
 

Destiny's Child

I just got done walking a much faster mile - 3 MPH while watching "Destiny's Child" in Concert on Video. I don't usually listen to that kind of music, but the beat is killer - it really got me revved up to which I owe the faster pace.   My friend and inspiration who has lost 100lbs with gastric bypass (her DH has lost 100 lbs with the band) is working on a group excercise schedule - her friend, herself and me - and who ever else we might drag along. I know that walking will only get me so far and I will have to do something to "tone" my flabby body. I'm excited about the prospect of working out with friends!
LittleBird

LittleBird

4
 

Day one - Lose weight and quit smoking, FUN

I scheduled surgery yesterday with Dr. Ortiz in Mexico. I'm scheduled for Aug. 16th. I booked airline tickets for me and hubby last night after work. I paid my deposit. There is no turning back now!   Since I need to lose 10lbs before the surgery date, I figured I might as well get started so today I'm reverting back to Atkins low carb eating.   Much to my suprise I was told you can't smoke 2 weeks before the surgery. GREAT! Quit smoking AND lose 10 lbs. I guess if I'm going to quit, this is the best time since my focus is on weight LOSS at the same time. I did warn my hubby that I might be bitchy though!   I'm feeling scared, a little Foggy - like "I'm just moving forward" can't over think it. I know it'll be a great decision and I have to trust my instinct. I'm sad thinking of the foods I won't be able to enjoy - like those flaky dinner rolls that come in a can.....   I weighed yesterday. I'm at a whopping 255. I HATE that, but I can rest assured this will be my highest weight and I'm never going back there!
LittleBird

LittleBird

2
 

Day 9 - birthday

My girlfriend turned 34 yesterday and invited my DH and I out. We went. It was a nice time, however everyone kept saying how worried they are about me going to Mexico for surgery. It's frustrating when people don't know anything about a subject and still have an opinion on it....Her BF put his arm around me and said "You know it all comes down to diet and excercise" No kidding?! I'm glad he told me - and to think I thought you could lose weight magically....
LittleBird

LittleBird

1
 

Day 8 - dopamine and sex

I was reading that "dopamine" is the brain trigger in the "reward center" of our brains. Now I don't really know what the heck that means except that it happens when I eat - its only common sense - I enjoy eating therefore my brain puts out "dopamine" when I do.   So, I got to thinking, I just need to have that happen in some other way - besides food especially when I get banded. So I told my husband that sex also triggers dopamine. He smiled. I didn't use the treadmill last night - traded that excercise for *ahem* something else....I'm not a big sex fiend, but hey if it keeps me out of the fridge...why not!   Speaking of the fridge, I have this "middle of the night" eating thing I do. :hungry: I'm worried about how that is going to be impacted with the band. I get up, I eat, and go back to bed. I guess I'll have to put a lock on the kitchen area or something!   As I feel asleep :notagree last night I was "on the table" being put under for surgery, but I wasn't all they way out - I was terrified the Dr. was going to cut me and I'd still feel it.....My subconsious trying to tell me something.....hmmm.
LittleBird

LittleBird

1
 

Day 7 - commitment and peaches

I got my loan docs today. I realize I paid a deposit and purchased airline tickets, but in the back of my head, I keep saying - if I change my mind, it'll be ok - not too much money on the line....with these loan docs I'm commiting 100%.   Signing and going to get copies of everything to fax then overnight to them. Not having the highest credit score (which I still don't understand! I've worked so hard the last 4 years and its still low!) my finance options were limited. The rate is not the greatest and there is a loan fee that is ludicrus, but even if I don't pay it off early, I'll still be paying much less than having a US surgery I'm thinking of it like a car loan....besides I'm going to save money every month on food and not buying cigarettes! I haven't quit smoking yet. August 1st is the day....   I'm down another pound. Could be more, but my scale is screwy so I'm being conservative. I know the Atkins induction doesn't include fruit, but my DH stopped at the produce stand and got fresh peaches - I had one for breakfast. There is nothing like the taste of that juicy fruit as it drips down your chin - it was so refreshing....   Walked again last night - 1.25 miles at about 3 MPH. Slow I know, but I don't have anyone to impress. I just want to build on a regime I know I'll stick to and keep progressing.
LittleBird

LittleBird

2
 

Day 6 - fear and cake

I have 21 days to surgery and I'm scared. Fear is the body's way to keep change at bay - we get comfortable in every sense of the word and change is a threat. I know this. I'm not going to give in to fear. Some one said having LapBand is like "freedom" and thats what I'm going to believe.   Having already lost some weight - I think "I can just do this on my own" but then I remember how many times I've been down that road and it all comes back.   I went to AA last night - haven't been in a while. Someone suggested I should tell my sponsor my plans, so I went with that in mind. I was pushed away - for real, not just my perception. I was told "don't let life get in the way of AA". Wow. That was the last place I expected to be judged for not meeting someone elses expectations. It's ok. I'll get my support elsewhere.   On another note - they had cake - very moist yummy cake - I thought "I can't eat that!!", but then I had a celebration of sorts. I decided this may very well be the last cake I ever eat. I took the smallest piece and savored every bite - cream cheese frosting and rasperries with chocolate....I told myself to feel no guilt and just enjoy the flavor knowing it was the last for a very long time. So I did.   I feel strong in my decision (in spite of fear) and every time I think about it - it comes in flashes of excitement and anticipation throughout the day - I get that little jolt of adreneline...you know the one??
LittleBird

LittleBird

2
 

Day 5 - the treadmill

I've been faithfully doing the low carb diet - the one I love - for a week or two anyway - until anything green makes me want to run and hide! The good news is I've lost 5 lbs in the few days I've been doing it. Considering that is the first time the scale has moved THAT direction in about 6 months, thats a real high for me.   Taking in less carbs I feel my energy slowing coming back...Enought that I dusted off my treadmill and took a "walk" last night. Did just over a mile - slowly so as not to overdo it - overall with warm up and warm down I walked about 27 minutes. Now the trick is to keep that up -every day!   My dad is having a breakdown about the surgery. He is sending me some article from USA today. I looked it up online. It's an article primarly about Gastric Bypass surgery that is based on old data and stats. I don't need his approval, but his attitude is frustrating. If I had cancer would he tell me not to do chemo?? I don't think he realizes LapBand and Gastric Bypass are totally different things.
LittleBird

LittleBird

2
 

Day 4 - McDonalds

Hubby and I went to Wal-Mart today to buy some stuff for the pool (it turned green overnight) and Atkins shakes - Wal-Mart is the cheapest place I know to buy them! While there, my husband, who is diabetic, said "I have to get something to eat". There is a 24 hour McDonalds inside Wal-Mart - go figure.   Sitting in McDonalds - (the side salad tastes like plastic by the way) I looked around. There was a woman there in a mobile shopping cart - very obese. My heart went out to her. I realized how lucky I am to be able to give myself this gift. An opportunity for a new, healthier me. I realize not everyone is able to or even knows that there are options for themselves.   I weighed this morning - I know, I know...but I'm eager to see SOME results - and it looked like I was down 3 lbs. I'll weigh again tommorrow to be sure.   My husband realized today that when I'm banded I won't be able to drink carbonated beverages - he was upset about that. I'm not sure why. I told him he could drink whatever he wanted, but he said he would feel guilty about it. I reminded him that soda wasn't healthy anyway....
LittleBird

LittleBird

2
 

Day 3 - my purple bikini

Its early today but I want to write anyway-   its hot - really hot for my area - yesterday 94 (we are usually 74 this time of year). I put on my bright purple bikini and went for a swim in the 4 foot pool (the above ground pool for my kids). Since I was at home and no one could see me, I didn't have a problem wearing that suit - but I did think - It won't be long and I might actually ENJOY wearing a bathing suit. Whoohoo.   Switched to an Atkins shake for breakfast instead of a scrambled egg - well ok - 2 scrambled eggs. I think the shake is better for me. I'm doing ok - acutally always did on Atkins because its not calorie restriction, just carb restriction and I can usually handle that for a while. With less than 4 weeks to surgery, I think I'll be fine.   I know I shouldn't but I weighed this morning - my scale is screwy - one of those that you can set to 0, weigh, and step off and suddenly its no longer at 0 - so I never get reliable results. Either way, I don't think I've lost any yet. I feel confident I'll be able to drop the 12 lbs before surgery though.   I've made an effort to drink more water - with the heat its even more important and I know it will help with the weight loss.
LittleBird

LittleBird

1
 

Day 2 - real people!

I had the wonderful opportunity to go to a very local support group yesterday - just a couple of miles from the house! I called my primary Dr. today to make sure I'm "good to go". She's on vacation, wouldn't you know it, but the RN is going to have her call me when she gets back next week. The RN at the support group said it was a good idea to rule out anything that might present complications BEFORE going to Mexico. It's good advice and something I wouldn't have thought of on my own.   I'm very excited to have a support group of real live and in person people to ask questions of, meet, and talk to. Hubby went with me as well and I think it helped put him at ease.   I started the low carb yummy Atkins diet (I'm being a little sarcastic as I was on the diet for a year and I am no longer fond of all those greens daily) for real yesterday to help with my pre-op weight loss. I'd like to lose 12 lbs as that is 5% of my total body weight. I figure anything I lose now will just get me that much closer to my goal after the surgery.   I talked to my step mom yesterday - who is a nurse - and she didn't give me the ration of shit my dad did. I know they are both just worried about me and want me to be "ok" but they aren't in my flesh and I hate feeling like I have to justify my decision to them. The conversation went ok - she said half of her coworkers (at the hospital) have had the surgery. She also said she thinks the ones who have the best success use high end liquid multi vitamins including B. I'll have to check that out.
LittleBird

LittleBird

2
 

Day 18 - AWOL

I went AWOL for a couple of days! Actually I wasn't good - I broke my smoking rule and smoked a couple of cigarettes but I'm back on the wagon today. That's all I can do.   I've spend the last 2 days playing in the pool and relaxing with my kids and my friend. I am burnt!!     I walked today with the kids on the Centennial Trail for just over 50 minutes. It wasn't fast (probably 2 - 2.5 MPH), but we did stray off the path and walk up a few steep slopes.   I'm getting nervous.   DH is scared, and angry and worried I think. He thinks I'm going to end up running off with some younger guy when I get healthy. I'm struggling with his fears right now. Don't know what to do or say that will help him feel better. I'm doing this for my health and even if he is scared and insecure about it, I'm not changing my mind. He says he supports me, but I can't see how - if he thinks this will lead to divorce....   UPDATE: 10 p.m. Walked half a mile at 3.5 for good measure since todays walk was slower with the kids. Feels good to have some energy back. Haven't smoked ALL day....
LittleBird

LittleBird

3
 

Day 16 - High Blood Pressure

The Dr. I've been seeing for 3 years couldn't figure out that my high blood pressure readings are something that should be treated - I've seen her over 4 times in the last 6 months - 3 of those times her nurse said "oh, your BP is high" and the DR. never said word one about it.   I go see this new PCP to make sure I'm ready for surgery - and the first thing she says is "you need to treat this high BP" and gave me a prescription. Jeeze. I'm really going to write a letter about my Dr. send it to her and to her "boss".   So I'm on a "water pill" - I don't like the feeling it gives me this morning....Yuk. But I'm glad she picked up on this before surgery.   I walked 1.25 miles in just 24 mins last night. Even did a SMALL like 1 min burst of JOGGING. I thought "It won't be long and this won't kill me!!"   The other GREAT news is I'm down to 240 - for a total loss so far of 15lbs pre-op! All in all, with the great news I got yesterday, my new weight loss, knowing my BP won't be an issue cause I'm getting it treated...today is off to a good start!   Still 100% smoke free. This is day 3 with no cheating.
LittleBird

LittleBird

3
 

Day 15- goals

I wrote my LapBand related goals down last night.   1. Quit smoking permanantly. Start date 8/3 2. Goal weight of 240 by 8/16 for surgery. :clap2: Reached 240 8/4/2006 3. Maintain 8-10 lbs weight loss per month after surgery until goal weight is reached. 4. Consume proper balance of protien, fat, carbs and calories as recomended by nutritionist 5. Jan 1, 2007 goal weight 200 lbs 6. Perform cardio workout 30 mins every other day. 7. Learn weight training skills by Sept. 2006 8. Get weights for training by October 1, 2006 and begin weight training at least 2 times per week 20-30 mins. 9. Reach 150 lbs by August 2007 by maintaining discipline with excercise and healthy eating. 10. Compliment at least 3 people every day!
LittleBird

LittleBird

3
 

Day 14 - Aloha

It's Aloha days at work and I'm wearing my hubbys Hawaiian shirt - I look like shit. I got rid of my Hawaiin stuff - I told the people at work its becuase of a month of "Hawaiian" days last year and I didn't want to see another Hawaiian shirt, but the truth is I got rid of them because I got too FAT to wear them again. Next year I'll be a Hawaiian hotty! That's my hope anyway!!   Anyway, I walked 1.25 miles at 3-3.5 MPH average last night. With warm up and cool down was 29 mins. I weighed today and while my scale is still screwy, I figure I'll go with a conservative 246 right now. I'm thrilled and seeing a difference in my face - my cheeks especially. I guess this crash diet thing is worth it - at least I know I don't have to keep up this pace on my own. I know with the band I won't feel like I'm starving all the time!
LittleBird

LittleBird

3
 

Day 13 - I can hear myself

Take away the vice - food, cigarettes - and listen to my body, observe my body and the cravings and moment when my body says "gimme!!"   Driving to work - there were at least 3 times when my body screamed "it's time to smoke. let me smoke". But rather than giving in to that subconsious scream, I stopped and thought about it, thought about what I was doing - driving, breathing - and realize that smoking has nothing to do with it, its not neccessary or productive. Besides that, I have to quit for surgery.   Yesterday -since I took my diet more seriously - when my body would scream for food and I'd say no, it would immediatly scream for a cigarette. Very interesting.....Funny how I can "hear" my body now that I've taken away the distractions.   I'm down to 248! Total of 7 lbs. I'd like to lose 12 before surgery on the 16th. I think I can....I think I can....
LittleBird

LittleBird

1
 

Day 12 - Butting out

It's August 1. This is the day I said I would quit smoking. I was going to like 2 weeks ago, but changed my mind. I hafta quit no matter what, but it is like 2 days before the Dr. said...I figured the 1st was an easy day to keep track of....So I'm smoke free. Taking it one minute at a time.   I still haven't lost any more weight - other than the 6 lbs. That worries me - in an off handed way. I want to lose at least the 10 the DR. said to - and any more would be "cherries on top".   I'm following the Atkins diet, but I think I'm munching more than I should - its that whole "this will be the last I'm going to have in a while". So even though I am staying low carb, I'm eating too often. To solve that, I'm at work with 2 Atkins shakes - its almost 2:00 and I'm not hungry and I don't have a headache, so that is a good sign.   Didn't walk yesterday, but did do 1/2 mile the day before. Flat at 3.0 MPH. I was in a hurry, so didn't do the mile.   I'm still trying to figure out what - other than SF Jello and broth - qualifies as clear liquid, but I guess the Nutritionist will let me know for sure....   10:00 p.m. Update so I keep track. I walked just over 1.25 miles at an average of 3 MPH. I added an incline the last quarter mile, but only 1%. Walked for ALMOST 30 mins including warm up and cool down. Also pure honesty and accountability, I came home and ended up having 2 and a half cigarettes. Shit! I have this 2 day buffer, but I really wish DH didn't smoke - if they weren't here, I wouldn't have cheated!
LittleBird

LittleBird

1
 

Day 10 - "the camera makes me look fat"

I told my husband that "the camera make me look fat" is just what fat people tell themselves to try and make themselves feel better. We had this disucssion after having him take some current "before" photos for my journey. I hate these photos. But I realize its important to have an accurate way to measure my future results!   I'm taking measurements on my left side. Today at 249 lbs they are as follows: Upper arm: 16 3/4 in. Chest: 46 3/4 Waist: 42 3/4 hips: 52 Upper Thigh: 28 1/2 Calf: 17 3/4   I hate those measurements too. :phanvan   I ordered Omnitrition Liquid Vitamins today. They have a better absorption rate and Elaine (step Mom who is an RN) said the people she knows who do well with WLS have all used some form of liquid multivitamin.   Here are my before photos - in my unflattering purple bikini. I'm going to wear this for all my photos - until it starts to fall off me anyway! I think wearing the same thing each time is a good way to really see a difference. Posting them here for the world of LBT to see is daunting, but I feel compelled to share my starting point.          
LittleBird

LittleBird

4
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