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Finding myself for the first time

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Another fill and high blood pressure

I had another idy bidy fill today - from 1.3 to 1.5. I figure taking it slow is ok. I also found out my high blood pressure is still high so my dr. switched me to a different medication: Altace 5 mg. Its the first time I've been on anything other than a water pill for high blood pressure. My BP problem was only diagnosed before my surgery - so about 7 and a half months ago. Its a little unsettling at my age (31) but I know with continued weight loss my health will continue to improve.   I walked tonight - did 28 mins and 1.5 miles including warm up and cool down. After I did some butt excercises and stretches too. Hubby needs excersice with his newly crazy blood sugar levels so I'm sure that will motivate me as well. His being concious of his diet and excercise will help me focus too.   At 6.5 months I thought I'd be lower in my weight than I am now with a 35lb weight loss - but its still better than I was. I know if I focus more, excersice it will continue to come off.
LittleBird

LittleBird

1
 

Regret, shame

Damn, damn, damn. I completely overate last night. I had a bunch of food I shouldn't have eaten - I'm talking Doritos with salsa and sourcream. I tell my husband not to buy those kind of snacks - we usually NEVER have junk-snacky-food in the house - THIS is exactly why. I sometimes lose control and am just like "I WANT THAT" and I eat, eat, eat.   I feel shame, guilt. I want my fill to be successful - not to say "the fill will fix me" but just to give me that greater restriction and keep me full longer. Lately I've been ravenous - even after eating. An hour or two later, I'm very hungry.
LittleBird

LittleBird

1
 

Eating my protien

I'm drinking my water and eating my protien. I have a confession to make though. Since surgery I have not been up at night for the midnight munchies. Last night I was - I know its happening when it happens but its like being in a fog....   I get up to pee.   I go to the kitchen.   I open the fridge and look for something to satisfy me - I don't know if I am hungry, just compelled to eat something.   The voice in my head says "You don't need to eat right now. You should go back to bed" and yet, I keep looking. :hungry:   Fortunatley last night I didn't have anything screaming at me - no crab dip with ritz crackers, no pudding, no leftovers...So I didn't completely sabotage myself. I grabbed the only substitution which was a bag of Ruffles - plain, which I hate - ate two (chips not bags!) and went back to bed.   THANK GOD.   I know that my late night eating was out of control before surgery. It was one of my fears when considering surgery - how was I going to overcome this?   I wonder if its late night hunger - my swelling is gone and I know I'm now able to eat more than before (a week and a half ago) - but I am still limited to what I can eat at a time.     Is my body rebelling? Crying out for calories? Or is this a head thing?   I'm trying to keep portion control myself, but I am looking forward to my first fill - when its time. I'm still shrinking - though the scale hasn't changed - I can see the changes in my arms, my face, my legs, my belly so I'm not discouraged. I guess I'll see how I do in the coming weeks with this midnight battle.
LittleBird

LittleBird

3
 

My first fill - 3 months post op

I got my first fill today. It was completely painless and so simple it was ridiculous. I think the last time I went when they "couldn't get it done" was because the lady was a "fill in" for the regular RN - because today was a snap.   They added 1.5 and then took out .2. When I drank some water the first time I was gurgly - so they took out the .2 and all was well. It will be interesting to see how food goes - and what changes I'll have to make now that I may experience some actual restriction.   Liquids today and mushies tomorrow. I guess after that back to real food.
LittleBird

LittleBird

2
 

No fill but losing again

I went in for a fill a week ago but it wasn't successful. The needle was too short, they could feel it and touch it with the tip of the needle, but not fill it. Something clicked though - cause I'm losing again. The total loss is 25 lbs now - still doesn't sound like much to me, but I was completely stalled for several weeks so I'm glad the scale is moving again!   I started my new job - and I'm moving more - walking to the train - walking up and down stairs instead of taking the elevator - walking to the bank - even working out in the on site gym. (I haven't hit the gym regularly yet, but I've been there a few times to use the treadmill)   Honestly - I looked at my a$$ in the mirror 2 days ago - and all-be-darned - its a shape I haven't seen in years!! I'm loosing that flap of belly roll down by my hoochie too! I still have a long way to go - but the visual changes are SO encouraging. I'm going to go back in for a fill after I lose about 5 more pounds.   I've had a hard time lately with certain foods - breads especially - and some meat - like sausage - so I've cut back in those areas and been reminded to eat slowly, chew carefully. It's easy to forget otherwise!!
LittleBird

LittleBird

1
 

Another fill

According to the Dr scale I have lost 40 lbs total - in just over 7 months it feels a little disapointing - on the other hand only 15 lbs to go to one-derland! so what am I bitching about. I guess I just thought it would come faster - however I haven't seen the scale steadily decline like this in a very very long time - if ever really.   Went to NW Fills in Arlington today (www.northwestfills.com) and got another fill. I'm now at 1.9CC. Feels pretty tight but I'm more careful about eating now - making sure I get my protien in.   Just wanted to check in. I'll post pictures soon. Had a wonderful trip to Hawaii in Feb. with the family. Incredible!
LittleBird

LittleBird

1
 

Yessss!

Ok. so everyone around me is giving me that "I'm so sorry" bit, but truthfully I'm fine with the fact that breads are giving me grief! I can't eat much these days and I've experienced my first PBs. In spite of that - this is what I've signed up for! Not being able to eat much plus the stuff that is really bad for weight loss - HELLO - I can't eat it!! Whoohooo is what I say! I'm so thankful I got my first fill. I wanted to be sure I got that fill BEFORE the holidays and I did!
LittleBird

LittleBird

2
 

Whew

Thank goodness the journals are back....I can rest better at night now. I'll write more later, just wanted to check in with the LBT world again.
LittleBird

LittleBird

2
 

Scissors, New YEars, and Bras

We'll this has to be a first. I've lost weight over the holidays. Just when I'd given up all hope - I got on the scale two days ago and had to check it twice. It was the first time I'd seen the scale move that much at one time. I'm down to 220 for a total loss of 35#. I'm not sure where that last bit came off of - but I'm thinking my thighs and arms are letting go of some of the fat now.   Randy had a bad accident with a pair of scissors (its on my blog) yesterday. I'm glad he's ok. Makes you realize that in just a split second something serious can happen. For insurance I wish he would have done that on the 31st instead!! I have one of the accounts that covers XX dollars before you have to pay out of pocket.   I pb or slime almost daily and I'm not happy about that. But then take new years eve - we had dinner with the neighbors (new situation, worried about what was going to happen and how I'd tolerate food) and everything was smooth - no incidents. Weird. For sure I know I CAN NOT eat bread. Crackers sometimes but bread always always is a problem. Only about 3 people at work - make that 4 know I've had surgery. That means its a matter of time before everyone knows. I was going to keep it a secret at this new job but I just feel sometimes I need to explain myself - why the heck I'm eating so slowly or something.   All my bras are too big...I have to say that is the first time I've ever had that problem! I haven't got new ones yet - cause those puppies aren't cheap ya know! I'll wait a little more.
LittleBird

LittleBird

2
 

One Week - Late Night Eating

I walked 1 mile in 20 mins (3 mph average, but with some bursts of speed up to 5 mph!!) last night. Then added 6 more minutes...That's the good news.   Only one more week till surgery!   The bad news is since I faithfully gave up smoking (I'm doing GREAT with it now!) I've been eating at night. It's like I'm asleep, but not all the way - I get up, I eat - and not stuff I'm supposed to be eating!! Crap, like the leftover pizza last night (one piece of that last night) - or the chips (which I HATE having in the house anyway) left over from our BBQ, or a handful of chocolate chips - just the chips, no cookie...It's like an obsession. I do great all day - then at night it all goes out the window....   It's gotten worse these last few days and I feel horrible about it. WHAT DO I DO? I'm afraid its fucked up my (sorry about the language, but hey its my journal!) weight loss before surgery. I might be over reacting but I still feel bad.   Quit drinking, quit eating, quit smoking - all my vices are gone and I feel like I'm trying to hold on to one of those slippery water toys - the water worm? I try to hold on, but it slips out of my hand - *sigh* Can I do this? How do I REPLACE my vices with something good for me??
LittleBird

LittleBird

3
 

Day 18 - AWOL

I went AWOL for a couple of days! Actually I wasn't good - I broke my smoking rule and smoked a couple of cigarettes but I'm back on the wagon today. That's all I can do.   I've spend the last 2 days playing in the pool and relaxing with my kids and my friend. I am burnt!!     I walked today with the kids on the Centennial Trail for just over 50 minutes. It wasn't fast (probably 2 - 2.5 MPH), but we did stray off the path and walk up a few steep slopes.   I'm getting nervous.   DH is scared, and angry and worried I think. He thinks I'm going to end up running off with some younger guy when I get healthy. I'm struggling with his fears right now. Don't know what to do or say that will help him feel better. I'm doing this for my health and even if he is scared and insecure about it, I'm not changing my mind. He says he supports me, but I can't see how - if he thinks this will lead to divorce....   UPDATE: 10 p.m. Walked half a mile at 3.5 for good measure since todays walk was slower with the kids. Feels good to have some energy back. Haven't smoked ALL day....
LittleBird

LittleBird

3
 

OMG - this stuff tastes like shit!

Ok so with 7 days left - even thought the Nutritionist said I don't have to - I figured I would go with the shake, shake, greens with balsalmic vinegar diet. I just got back from the store - got my "greens" and balsalmic vinegar and have sat down to eat it - YUK! Must be the greens because I acutally like vinegar dressing....Next time I'll go with iceburg lettuce. If I don't puke I'll be doing good...
LittleBird

LittleBird

2
 

Migranes

I realized something last night - I haven't had a migrane - or a headache for that matter- since this new Dr. put me on these pills to treat my high blood pressure! Holy cow. I was getting them 2-3 times a week (up from like 2 times a month). I don't know if there is a connection or not, but considering these new pills cost me .32 cents and the migrane meds cost $15 per dose (after insurance!!) I like the change!   I weighed this morning. I know I said I wasn't going to - but I did. It was 245 - NOT the 240 like the Dr. scale said last week. I'm sticking with that number for a few reasons - 1. it seems more realistic. 2. It still means I've lost the required 10 lbs preop. 3. I will lose more in the next few days and it will be "cherries on top". My GOAL was 240 before surgery, so I'll aim for that by Tuesday.   I will have to update my ticker though!
LittleBird

LittleBird

3
 

Destiny's Child

I just got done walking a much faster mile - 3 MPH while watching "Destiny's Child" in Concert on Video. I don't usually listen to that kind of music, but the beat is killer - it really got me revved up to which I owe the faster pace.   My friend and inspiration who has lost 100lbs with gastric bypass (her DH has lost 100 lbs with the band) is working on a group excercise schedule - her friend, herself and me - and who ever else we might drag along. I know that walking will only get me so far and I will have to do something to "tone" my flabby body. I'm excited about the prospect of working out with friends!
LittleBird

LittleBird

4
 

updated my signature and ticker

Not sure how this will show - but I'm pretty excited about being so close to onederland and wanted to share my updated ticker. It's been slower than I expected - but its still progress. I've reached the end of my "skinnier" clothes in my closet and will need to go shopping soon - wearing stuff too big doesn't feel right anymore! Photos will be posted soon.   August 16, 2006 banded with Dr. Ortiz  
LittleBird

LittleBird

1
 

Day 3 - my purple bikini

Its early today but I want to write anyway-   its hot - really hot for my area - yesterday 94 (we are usually 74 this time of year). I put on my bright purple bikini and went for a swim in the 4 foot pool (the above ground pool for my kids). Since I was at home and no one could see me, I didn't have a problem wearing that suit - but I did think - It won't be long and I might actually ENJOY wearing a bathing suit. Whoohoo.   Switched to an Atkins shake for breakfast instead of a scrambled egg - well ok - 2 scrambled eggs. I think the shake is better for me. I'm doing ok - acutally always did on Atkins because its not calorie restriction, just carb restriction and I can usually handle that for a while. With less than 4 weeks to surgery, I think I'll be fine.   I know I shouldn't but I weighed this morning - my scale is screwy - one of those that you can set to 0, weigh, and step off and suddenly its no longer at 0 - so I never get reliable results. Either way, I don't think I've lost any yet. I feel confident I'll be able to drop the 12 lbs before surgery though.   I've made an effort to drink more water - with the heat its even more important and I know it will help with the weight loss.
LittleBird

LittleBird

1
 

Sharing my firelight pic

Before surgery my friend came over and we took some pics by the fire. This is my favorite and I thought I would share! I couldn't post it before the trip!  
LittleBird

LittleBird

5
 

Food -

I have very cautiously begun eating soft, moist regular food. Chili, mashed potatos with gravy, baked chicken thigh with gravy are some examples. The hardest part I'm having is this chewing - I'm doing it just fine, but I find it affects the way I TASTE the food - I'm so concentrated on chewing that the food touches my teeth, not my tounge. I wonder if this will always be the case??   The good news is with the added food (still staying around 500-700 calories a day with these portions) my bowels are working more normally now. There is something reasuring about that....   I am feeling much better each day. The nasuea (I can't spell that word) I discovered is really just all gas - the GasX wasn't working before I think becuase I was still swollen inside, but its helping now. I must have belched about 4 times at dinner last night. My kids were so proud of me! "That's great Mom! Do you feel better?" Without that gas, the sick to my stomach feeling goes away or subsides at least.   I found that a cup of tea at night is a great way to get more fluids in - it tastes good and feels good going down.
LittleBird

LittleBird

1
 

I can....

At my goal weight these are the things I know I'll be able to accomplish, feel, and enjoy.   Next year at this time:   I can run. I can hike down and back up the high bank at my house that leads to the river bank. I can cross my legs. I hold my head high when I walk in a room. I enjoy shopping for clothes. I can play with my kids regardless of the activity. I can go skydiving. I can buy that sex toy DH and I want because I'll be well under the weight restriction! I can wear leather pants and look GREAT in them. I can choose any type of lingerie I want. I feel sexy when I'm naked with my man. I am at my optimal health. I have healthy cholesterol levels. I have energy. I am no longer a high risk for stroke, cancer, heart attack. I can ride my bike tirelessly. I can fit on the back of the motorcycle with DH. I can wear a wet suit and learn to snorkel. I can swim and enjoy it. My skin is fresh and clear. I can buy SEXY panties. I can buy SEXY bras. I can wear stockings with garters. I will enjoy traveling by plane. I enjoy my summer in tanks and shorts. My knees don't hurt. I smile more. I laugh often. I don't feel depressed.       I'll probably add to this. Might even start a thread. These are the things that motivate me, its what my "goal weight" really means.
LittleBird

LittleBird

4
 

Everything is relative isn't it?

Here is a thought - last time I weighed 233 I was on the way UP and I felt horrible about my body - this time I'm on the way DOWN and that SAME body feels great to me, my attitude is wonderful, I walk with more confidence, style my hair in the morning instead of putting it in a clip...   It helps me understand and really SEE that its all about perspective.   Same body - entirely different attitude.
LittleBird

LittleBird

2
 

Costco and other adventures

The family and I went to Costco last night to get a few things we need for the party on the 26th (wedding reception/BBQ). I can't eat at this shindig, but I knew that when we were planning it. Either way, the trip to Costco was hard - so many goodies - pastries, etc. I will say having a list and not being able to indulge in those goodies meant that we left there with a cart costing only $129.00 - instead of the usuall $500! SEE - my band is already paying for itself!!   Anyway, I don't know if its because I over did it or because I slowly drank an entire Atkins shake yesterday, but by the time we left there I felt so sick to my tummy. The drive home was horrible and I layed down in bed and didn't move till this morning. I'm pretty sure I'm dehydrated on top of everything else. I'm swearing off food (If you can call it that) and sticking to water today. I'm going to try to drink 2 bottles of water instead of the 1 I was able to get down yesterday.   For excersice I'm sure the hour walking around in Costco counts for something!   It occurs to me that another topic no one really talks about is SEX after the band. I made sure that DH and I had a go-round the night before surgery, but a week later and he is really feeling the pressure. I'm in no mood to even entertain "other options" at this point and the poor man will have to wait a while before we get it on again....I think that is something couples should talk about before hand so everyone knows what to expect.
LittleBird

LittleBird

2
 

This is me...

For my journal readers here is a bit more about me:   I am 31 and the mother of two children - my daughter is 14 years old and my son is 10. I'm newly married *3rd and last time!* to a man who is 18 years my senior. I was first married at 16 - to my DD father - divorced by 19 and remarried at 22. That one didn't work after 7 years of marriage. I'm married again - more secure now, more mature, more sure of myself. The kids have had a hard time adjusting to the change...   I have a day job and also own my own online company. (www.providerwatch.com and www.findadaycare.com) I enjoy living in Western Washington for the weather, the green, and the fact I can get in the car and drive somewhere. NOT like when I lived in Anchorage, Alaska!   I write - poetry mostly. I love music - listening to it cause I don't have a musical bone in my body. I love to read - anything from fiction to interesting non fiction. I think I'm more serious than I should be....   From the thread "Why are you Fat?" My weight gain began about 9 years ago - it was a slow process that began with excessive drinking - high calorie drinks -depression...I gained about 30 pounds those first few years, lost some and have steadily increased reaching my all time high - currently 255. I quit drinking a year ago - eat more to replace it - and have worked at a desk job for 3 years. That combined with no physical activity.   I ENJOY food, its emotional for me. When I cook and enjoy a good meal, it feels good deep down. But this good feeling is followed by guilt and remorse. When I feel full - I feel guilty.   I think about being fat from the time I wake up to the time I go to bed at night and sometimes in my sleep. The bottom line is I overeat, food is emotional satisfaction, and I sit on my a$$ at work all day.
LittleBird

LittleBird

3
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