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About this blog

Finding myself for the first time

Entries in this blog

 

One Week - Late Night Eating

I walked 1 mile in 20 mins (3 mph average, but with some bursts of speed up to 5 mph!!) last night. Then added 6 more minutes...That's the good news.   Only one more week till surgery!   The bad news is since I faithfully gave up smoking (I'm doing GREAT with it now!) I've been eating at night. It's like I'm asleep, but not all the way - I get up, I eat - and not stuff I'm supposed to be eating!! Crap, like the leftover pizza last night (one piece of that last night) - or the chips (which I HATE having in the house anyway) left over from our BBQ, or a handful of chocolate chips - just the chips, no cookie...It's like an obsession. I do great all day - then at night it all goes out the window....   It's gotten worse these last few days and I feel horrible about it. WHAT DO I DO? I'm afraid its fucked up my (sorry about the language, but hey its my journal!) weight loss before surgery. I might be over reacting but I still feel bad.   Quit drinking, quit eating, quit smoking - all my vices are gone and I feel like I'm trying to hold on to one of those slippery water toys - the water worm? I try to hold on, but it slips out of my hand - *sigh* Can I do this? How do I REPLACE my vices with something good for me??
LittleBird

LittleBird

3
 

Sharing my firelight pic

Before surgery my friend came over and we took some pics by the fire. This is my favorite and I thought I would share! I couldn't post it before the trip!  
LittleBird

LittleBird

5
 

updated my signature and ticker

Not sure how this will show - but I'm pretty excited about being so close to onederland and wanted to share my updated ticker. It's been slower than I expected - but its still progress. I've reached the end of my "skinnier" clothes in my closet and will need to go shopping soon - wearing stuff too big doesn't feel right anymore! Photos will be posted soon.   August 16, 2006 banded with Dr. Ortiz  
LittleBird

LittleBird

1
 

Another fill

According to the Dr scale I have lost 40 lbs total - in just over 7 months it feels a little disapointing - on the other hand only 15 lbs to go to one-derland! so what am I bitching about. I guess I just thought it would come faster - however I haven't seen the scale steadily decline like this in a very very long time - if ever really.   Went to NW Fills in Arlington today (www.northwestfills.com) and got another fill. I'm now at 1.9CC. Feels pretty tight but I'm more careful about eating now - making sure I get my protien in.   Just wanted to check in. I'll post pictures soon. Had a wonderful trip to Hawaii in Feb. with the family. Incredible!
LittleBird

LittleBird

1
 

Another fill and high blood pressure

I had another idy bidy fill today - from 1.3 to 1.5. I figure taking it slow is ok. I also found out my high blood pressure is still high so my dr. switched me to a different medication: Altace 5 mg. Its the first time I've been on anything other than a water pill for high blood pressure. My BP problem was only diagnosed before my surgery - so about 7 and a half months ago. Its a little unsettling at my age (31) but I know with continued weight loss my health will continue to improve.   I walked tonight - did 28 mins and 1.5 miles including warm up and cool down. After I did some butt excercises and stretches too. Hubby needs excersice with his newly crazy blood sugar levels so I'm sure that will motivate me as well. His being concious of his diet and excercise will help me focus too.   At 6.5 months I thought I'd be lower in my weight than I am now with a 35lb weight loss - but its still better than I was. I know if I focus more, excersice it will continue to come off.
LittleBird

LittleBird

1
 

Scissors, New YEars, and Bras

We'll this has to be a first. I've lost weight over the holidays. Just when I'd given up all hope - I got on the scale two days ago and had to check it twice. It was the first time I'd seen the scale move that much at one time. I'm down to 220 for a total loss of 35#. I'm not sure where that last bit came off of - but I'm thinking my thighs and arms are letting go of some of the fat now.   Randy had a bad accident with a pair of scissors (its on my blog) yesterday. I'm glad he's ok. Makes you realize that in just a split second something serious can happen. For insurance I wish he would have done that on the 31st instead!! I have one of the accounts that covers XX dollars before you have to pay out of pocket.   I pb or slime almost daily and I'm not happy about that. But then take new years eve - we had dinner with the neighbors (new situation, worried about what was going to happen and how I'd tolerate food) and everything was smooth - no incidents. Weird. For sure I know I CAN NOT eat bread. Crackers sometimes but bread always always is a problem. Only about 3 people at work - make that 4 know I've had surgery. That means its a matter of time before everyone knows. I was going to keep it a secret at this new job but I just feel sometimes I need to explain myself - why the heck I'm eating so slowly or something.   All my bras are too big...I have to say that is the first time I've ever had that problem! I haven't got new ones yet - cause those puppies aren't cheap ya know! I'll wait a little more.
LittleBird

LittleBird

2
 

Yessss!

Ok. so everyone around me is giving me that "I'm so sorry" bit, but truthfully I'm fine with the fact that breads are giving me grief! I can't eat much these days and I've experienced my first PBs. In spite of that - this is what I've signed up for! Not being able to eat much plus the stuff that is really bad for weight loss - HELLO - I can't eat it!! Whoohooo is what I say! I'm so thankful I got my first fill. I wanted to be sure I got that fill BEFORE the holidays and I did!
LittleBird

LittleBird

2
 

My first fill - 3 months post op

I got my first fill today. It was completely painless and so simple it was ridiculous. I think the last time I went when they "couldn't get it done" was because the lady was a "fill in" for the regular RN - because today was a snap.   They added 1.5 and then took out .2. When I drank some water the first time I was gurgly - so they took out the .2 and all was well. It will be interesting to see how food goes - and what changes I'll have to make now that I may experience some actual restriction.   Liquids today and mushies tomorrow. I guess after that back to real food.
LittleBird

LittleBird

2
 

Regret, shame

Damn, damn, damn. I completely overate last night. I had a bunch of food I shouldn't have eaten - I'm talking Doritos with salsa and sourcream. I tell my husband not to buy those kind of snacks - we usually NEVER have junk-snacky-food in the house - THIS is exactly why. I sometimes lose control and am just like "I WANT THAT" and I eat, eat, eat.   I feel shame, guilt. I want my fill to be successful - not to say "the fill will fix me" but just to give me that greater restriction and keep me full longer. Lately I've been ravenous - even after eating. An hour or two later, I'm very hungry.
LittleBird

LittleBird

1
 

Going for try #2

Since my last fill was unsucessful I have another scheduled for the 18th. I'm toning up good with all the walking I've been doing - rushing for public transportation - I'm hoping that is enough to make this fill sucessful.   My fellow bandster (banded on the same day) has already had two fills! I feel good about my progress, but knowing the holidays are coming, I'd rather have better restriction! This may be my first holiday in a very long time where I LOSE rather than gain the weight!   Also, just an FYI for anyone needing fills in NW Washington area....My fill center just launched an information site. www.northwestfills.com
LittleBird

LittleBird

1
 

No fill but losing again

I went in for a fill a week ago but it wasn't successful. The needle was too short, they could feel it and touch it with the tip of the needle, but not fill it. Something clicked though - cause I'm losing again. The total loss is 25 lbs now - still doesn't sound like much to me, but I was completely stalled for several weeks so I'm glad the scale is moving again!   I started my new job - and I'm moving more - walking to the train - walking up and down stairs instead of taking the elevator - walking to the bank - even working out in the on site gym. (I haven't hit the gym regularly yet, but I've been there a few times to use the treadmill)   Honestly - I looked at my a$$ in the mirror 2 days ago - and all-be-darned - its a shape I haven't seen in years!! I'm loosing that flap of belly roll down by my hoochie too! I still have a long way to go - but the visual changes are SO encouraging. I'm going to go back in for a fill after I lose about 5 more pounds.   I've had a hard time lately with certain foods - breads especially - and some meat - like sausage - so I've cut back in those areas and been reminded to eat slowly, chew carefully. It's easy to forget otherwise!!
LittleBird

LittleBird

1
 

My progress

My weight loss has stopped - I haven't measured yet - in a few days I will, but since I'm all healed and I've been consuming more calories I've just been bouncing back and forth on a few pounds 233-236 (still better than 255!~).   I have been a little irresponsible with my food choices - not keeping as low carb as I should - not too bad, but obviously it's affecting my weight loss. My portions are larger than right after surgery (duh) but not nearly where they were pre-op. I think I'm just not going to be able to postpone a fill - I'll get it done in a week or so and start fresh from that point.   I've heard it said that the first 6 weeks is for healing and not to worry about weight loss during that time (rrriiiiiiiight!) so I am not beating myself up too bad.   I landed my dream job - and start on Monday - the place I'll be working has an on site gym. My plan is to work out at my lunch break. Whoohoo. I'm moving out of sales into account management - for auto dealerships with search engine marketing accounts. Great pay and benefits - my first "corporate-type" job. No weekends.
LittleBird

LittleBird

1
 

Whew

Thank goodness the journals are back....I can rest better at night now. I'll write more later, just wanted to check in with the LBT world again.
LittleBird

LittleBird

2
 

Everything is relative isn't it?

Here is a thought - last time I weighed 233 I was on the way UP and I felt horrible about my body - this time I'm on the way DOWN and that SAME body feels great to me, my attitude is wonderful, I walk with more confidence, style my hair in the morning instead of putting it in a clip...   It helps me understand and really SEE that its all about perspective.   Same body - entirely different attitude.
LittleBird

LittleBird

2
 

I'm still alive

Between hubby having a sleep test, an intensive job interview and the kids back in school ( I am the mom of a new Freshman - yikes!) I have been distracted to say the least!   Approaching the one month mark - feeling good, getting compliments (hey, you're really losing weight!)   I gave my Drivers License to a lady at the mall (had to buy new pants - they were 14/16 not 18/20!!) and she said "Wow, you look different" Pretty amazing considering its more inches than weight at this point. I still haven't budged from the 233 mark, but I continue to FEEL slimmer in my body.
LittleBird

LittleBird

3
 

Eating my protien

I'm drinking my water and eating my protien. I have a confession to make though. Since surgery I have not been up at night for the midnight munchies. Last night I was - I know its happening when it happens but its like being in a fog....   I get up to pee.   I go to the kitchen.   I open the fridge and look for something to satisfy me - I don't know if I am hungry, just compelled to eat something.   The voice in my head says "You don't need to eat right now. You should go back to bed" and yet, I keep looking. :hungry:   Fortunatley last night I didn't have anything screaming at me - no crab dip with ritz crackers, no pudding, no leftovers...So I didn't completely sabotage myself. I grabbed the only substitution which was a bag of Ruffles - plain, which I hate - ate two (chips not bags!) and went back to bed.   THANK GOD.   I know that my late night eating was out of control before surgery. It was one of my fears when considering surgery - how was I going to overcome this?   I wonder if its late night hunger - my swelling is gone and I know I'm now able to eat more than before (a week and a half ago) - but I am still limited to what I can eat at a time.     Is my body rebelling? Crying out for calories? Or is this a head thing?   I'm trying to keep portion control myself, but I am looking forward to my first fill - when its time. I'm still shrinking - though the scale hasn't changed - I can see the changes in my arms, my face, my legs, my belly so I'm not discouraged. I guess I'll see how I do in the coming weeks with this midnight battle.
LittleBird

LittleBird

3
 

Feels weird

It feels wierd when I lay flat on my back. I'm sure its my port in there - but its such a wierd sensation. I'm afraid to poke around and feel my port - I'm afriad it will hurt. My scars are healing up though and almost all of the glue is gone.   DH is sad to see my boobs and butt shrinking.   I was putting lotion on my hands yesterday and I realized even my hands feel different - I can feel my knuckles more than before. It's strange because I never thought about fat hands - my ring is still tight and I haven't lost any more pounds yet, but my body FEELS different every day.   I didn't walk last night - was TIRED after work and dinner.   Had 4 oz. of tuna for breakfast. Felt very different to be eating tuna while the guys were munching on doughnuts and pastry.
LittleBird

LittleBird

3
 

Destiny's Child

I just got done walking a much faster mile - 3 MPH while watching "Destiny's Child" in Concert on Video. I don't usually listen to that kind of music, but the beat is killer - it really got me revved up to which I owe the faster pace.   My friend and inspiration who has lost 100lbs with gastric bypass (her DH has lost 100 lbs with the band) is working on a group excercise schedule - her friend, herself and me - and who ever else we might drag along. I know that walking will only get me so far and I will have to do something to "tone" my flabby body. I'm excited about the prospect of working out with friends!
LittleBird

LittleBird

4
 

My shrinking butt

I am seeing parts of my butt I haven't seen in years! I'm thrilled that my butt and thighs are shrinking before my very eyes. I guess I must have carried most of my weight there because it seems to be the primary area I'm losing - or just the area I notice the most! Amazing how much better my pants are fitting!   I walked again last night - 1.14 miles in 30 minutes. I'm taking it slow becuase I still don't feel comfortable walking faster than about 2.5 mph. I finally had the energy to clean my house - well, not the whole thing, but the living room and dining room area that had been driving me crazy.   I'm able to eat more and I have been - I know this phase is temporary and am still trying to limit my calorie intake to under 1200 calories a day while still trying to get in the protien I know my body needs. Feels like a lot after the limited intake I was having right after surgery but then I realize I could never have done 1000 - 1200 calories a day before surgery. I know that with a fill I will be eating less but I'm still happy with my "shrinkage".   I still have burpy gas occasionally but not nearly as bad as before. My incisions are healing and the sticky glue is slowly coming off my skin.
LittleBird

LittleBird

1
 

I can....

At my goal weight these are the things I know I'll be able to accomplish, feel, and enjoy.   Next year at this time:   I can run. I can hike down and back up the high bank at my house that leads to the river bank. I can cross my legs. I hold my head high when I walk in a room. I enjoy shopping for clothes. I can play with my kids regardless of the activity. I can go skydiving. I can buy that sex toy DH and I want because I'll be well under the weight restriction! I can wear leather pants and look GREAT in them. I can choose any type of lingerie I want. I feel sexy when I'm naked with my man. I am at my optimal health. I have healthy cholesterol levels. I have energy. I am no longer a high risk for stroke, cancer, heart attack. I can ride my bike tirelessly. I can fit on the back of the motorcycle with DH. I can wear a wet suit and learn to snorkel. I can swim and enjoy it. My skin is fresh and clear. I can buy SEXY panties. I can buy SEXY bras. I can wear stockings with garters. I will enjoy traveling by plane. I enjoy my summer in tanks and shorts. My knees don't hurt. I smile more. I laugh often. I don't feel depressed.       I'll probably add to this. Might even start a thread. These are the things that motivate me, its what my "goal weight" really means.
LittleBird

LittleBird

4
 

Mexico photos

I finally got my photos of the trip to Mexico for surgery uploaded so here are a few. I should have been more "reporter" like about it for newbies considering the trip - but I went more "touristy" instead...I didn't want to haul my expensive camera down there with me, so these are just so-so pics...     Hubby and I the day after surgery in the courtyard of the hotel.   These workers to it the old fashioned way...this was a hotel down the road being worked on.       The view outside our hotel window - the "frogger" course!   The hillside outside the hotel patio. Up close these houses leave a LOT to be desired. I would have loved to see the "real" TJ rather than just the touristy section of town.   You see these delivery bikes everywhere. I guess they can manuver through the crazy traffic faster than a car!     The bathroom in our room. These guys at Hotel Lucerne are great - they leave a fuit basket every day - not good for me but my husband enjoyed it.   The room - I think they do double beds for Dr. Ortiz's patients cause everyone else had one too. DH was relaxing upon our arrival.     The hotel has a great pool - very large with a walking bridge over the two sections. I was able to enjoy a swim the day we arrived. This is the day after surgery.     Saved the best for last - my incisions the day after surgery. Lots of sticky iodine everywhere - still washing that sticky stuff of my belly!!
LittleBird

LittleBird

3
 

Food -

I have very cautiously begun eating soft, moist regular food. Chili, mashed potatos with gravy, baked chicken thigh with gravy are some examples. The hardest part I'm having is this chewing - I'm doing it just fine, but I find it affects the way I TASTE the food - I'm so concentrated on chewing that the food touches my teeth, not my tounge. I wonder if this will always be the case??   The good news is with the added food (still staying around 500-700 calories a day with these portions) my bowels are working more normally now. There is something reasuring about that....   I am feeling much better each day. The nasuea (I can't spell that word) I discovered is really just all gas - the GasX wasn't working before I think becuase I was still swollen inside, but its helping now. I must have belched about 4 times at dinner last night. My kids were so proud of me! "That's great Mom! Do you feel better?" Without that gas, the sick to my stomach feeling goes away or subsides at least.   I found that a cup of tea at night is a great way to get more fluids in - it tastes good and feels good going down.
LittleBird

LittleBird

1
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