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I didn't realize it was going to be this hard.

So I'm now about 4 months out from my surgery and I've hit a plateau. I cannot seem to break 180 and I'm yo-yo-ing between 182 and 185. I really don't think there is enough fluid in my band because I can definitely eat way too much. I've only had a few moment where I really have felt the restriction. Maybe I'm eating too slow? I don't know. Anyway I've started a new training schedule to prepare for running a 5k run in June. It's a benefit for WEAVE and I think it will be really great to give something back to my community. It's been a little depressing lately with all the changes going on in my life. I spent most of yesterday in tears and I can't really figure out why. My job is really getting to me and in the midst of trying to be grateful that I even have a job I can't help but feel resentful that the job I have is one I hate so much. I just didn't realize that having this surgery was going to be this hard. All I think about is how far away from my goal I am. I was starting to feel better about myself after having lost over 50 pounds but this plateau has made it really difficult for me. I still have a long way to go. I'm really hoping that training for this 5k is going to help me reach my goal. I have a hard time focusing on the here and now and that keeps me stuck in the same place. I have a follow up appointment soon I think and I'll ask for more fluid in my band. I'm hoping that is going to help me more. I was running today and thinking about Lent because it is starting on February 17th. I am trying to think of what to give up for the season. Possibly sugar? My 31st birthday is on the 24th and I wonder if God would be offended if I broke my sugar fast for it. That's the problem with having a birthday that is right in the middle of Lent. Turning 31 is going to be worse than turning 30 I think. I really thought that this last year would be really great and that I'd meet someone but it actually turned out to be not a very good year. I hope that this next year is going to be better. I would like to be at my goal weight by the time I turn 32. That's a little over a year to lose about 80 pounds. In my New Year's resolutions I resolved to be a more positive person this year and to do all the things I've been saying that I was going to do but haven't done yet. So by the end of the year I hope to have enough saved to go to Paris. It's the one thing that I've never done that I wish and wish that I had. I don't want to wake up one day and be 50 and realize that my life has passed me by. Anyway. Having the surgery was a really good thing for me because I'm learning how to appreciate food and enjoy exercising. I just didn't think it was going to be this hard.
bluestategirl

bluestategirl

5
 

And the fight contiues

Well after the huge blow to my self esteem at my appt with my MD, I kind of just felt numb for awhile and pretty much didn't want to do anything but lay in bed. I wasn't hungry so I didn't eat, didn't feel like going to the gym. I just wanted it to be over. Unfortunately I have to keep living my life. So I feel that I'm ok with it now, went to the gym this a.m. and I'm under 220! Maybe I need to stress less about getting enough food to eat or if I'll lose the weight on time. 1 month today exactly, I will have my surgery. I'm a little bit fussed about it but mostly ok. I think I'm just not sure what to expect so I just want to get it over with quickly:eek:
bluestategirl

bluestategirl

4
 

Band Fills

So Friday will be my third band fill. I'm apprehensive about the appointment because I know I haven't really lost any weight since my last visit a few months ago and I'm afraid they might be a little upset. This is where the hard work starts, well more like where it continues. My goal this week over spring break was really to get back into my exercise habits because I genuinely feel so much better when I'm on track. Also I think the time is here to deal with the severely crippling depression that I've been having. Unfortunately I'm almost too good at analyzing myself and knowing exactly what the problem is. I'm pretty sure that I've been so angry at God that I've been avoiding him. It's not so much that we have a disconnect but more a lack of connecting. It's not really his fault because I know that he's always there and still tries to talk to me in that voice that sounds like mine in words that I would totally use. Like this morning when he said, "how is me giving you the desires of your heart mean? Why, because it doesn't look like you want it to? Who's fault is that?" This is the kind of thing he frequently points out to me at the height of my anger. Luckily he can take it. Through this whole Lent season I feel that the Lord has really shown me a lot of tough things about myself that I don't think I really wanted to see and wasn't ready to see. It's a whole lot easier to point out the flaws in other people and know that I don't have that problem than it is to look inward. But this great sadness that I've been feeling for months hasn't gone away with any of the usual tactics that I use. Yesterday at work I just felt completely devastated, as if something horrible was happening to me as waves and waves of sadness swept over me. Where does this sadness come from, why am I so sad? Is it really that I don't like my job and I get tired of talking to sick people? Or is it more the fact that I am just desperately lonely and wish every day that I had someone to come home to at night and that I didn't have to sleep alone? Probably more that I'm desperately lonely. I wish that I could say that it's ok with me that I'm still single and that I'm just at a place where I'm comfortable, but I would be lying to myself and to the entire world if I said that. If only everything was La vie en Rose. That is to say that I wish I was living my life as if looking through rose-colored glasses. I've been feeling as if God has taken every dream of mine and given it to someone else and it's like he's shoving it in my face. So I know that this isn't the most positive of blog topics but as it pertains to my journey of weight loss, the heartache is a big part of it. With all of that going on in my heart and head, i've had a really hard time with sugar. It seems like it's almost impossible for me to stay away from because when I'm lonely and sad, it's the best friend I've ever had and I feel like I need it. I know that this isn't actually true but so often I just give in to the addiction and it's got to stop. Now that I feel the great sadness lifting, I feel like it's a new day. I just want to say that this journey is a lot harder than I ever dreamed it would be. But when I'm at my goal I'll be a much better person for it. God has always been there for me even when I feel like he isn't. I am just praying that after this next fill, that I will be able to feel the restriction again. Cottage cheese phase, here I come.
bluestategirl

bluestategirl

4
 

Feel horrible today

I had my second fill today and had .5 cc added to the 5 cc that was already in. On the way home I started to feel really dizzy and had to sit down. I've been feeling really awful ever since. I really can't tell if it's because I overdid it at the gym because I was really excited and wanting to get off the 3 pounds I gained over the holidays or if just having the fill done made me feel sick. Anyway now I'm home and just trying to relax. I had a half a cup of pea soup for dinner and I'm totally full which is great because I've been able to eat way too much and have been hungry between meals also. Up to this point I've only had one episode of not chewing up my food enough to the point where it got stuck. I think I learned a pretty good lesson there. Anyway I've lost 52 pounds to date. 85 to go until I reach my goal of 100 pounds. A lot of people have told me that's too thin but at 4'11" it's actually the ideal weight for my height. I'm planning on meeting with a personal trainer at the gym this week to see what I need to do to have the least amount of extra skin possible. Also I'm going to start tanning to combat the depression that I get during the winter. Even though I feel like crap today I feel pretty positive about the next year to come and I'm pretty confident I can get pretty close to my goal.
bluestategirl

bluestategirl

3
 

I want to sleep until August 12

I finally have my appt with the Surgeon for August 12. I'm pretty excited but I'm also a little anxious about it. What if they tell me I can't have surgery or something else goes wrong? Also I really was hoping to have surgery before school starts but I start August 24. I don't know if I can wait any longer though. I'm a little tired of people asking me why I'm doing this. Isn't it obvious? I'm fat people. I'm unhappy. If I could lose weight easily on my own I would do that. People keep asking me why don't I just work out? I do work out. I work out every day. Obviously there's other issues involved and I think this is the best choice for me. I'm going to stop telling people because they just don't understand. But I am excited because I feel like I'm at the end of my pre-surgery journey. Blogging how I feel about it is really helping. I weighed at the gym yesterday and it said 222, we'll see what the doctors scale says. I woke up with horrible pain in my back today and I haven't taken any pain meds in weeks. I think I will have some this morning though because I cannot deal with this on my own. Usually I just push through the minor pain but this is not minor pain. Oh well. that's what the meds are for. I just want to sleep until my appt comes then I can't gain any weight and I won't have to deal with any of the anxiety. It's too bad I'm not a wizard who could invent such a potion. But then I would also miss out on the next three weeks of life-not really what I want to do.:cursing:
bluestategirl

bluestategirl

3
 

Feeling pretty discouraged today

Just woke up, not only is it already almost 90 degrees outside which makes my blood boil and makes me cranky but I'm pretty down already. My doctor's visit didn't go so well yesterday. The stupid scale said I haven't lost any weight at all. I know this isn't accurate because my clothes all fit differently. He said not to worry about the scale because he can tell I'm losing weight and that as I work out I build muscle which weighs more. Unfortunately the surgeons go by the weight, no matter how I look or how my clothes fit. I'm upset. I will probably have to wait until Christmas break to have this surgery. It's very hard for me to accept that because I was really hoping to get it this summer and I don't want to go through another semester as a fat girl. I also can't risk missing any class this semester because I have some that are only 1 day a week and are condensed into that one day. I'm at a low point but I won't give up. I was grocery shopping yesterday and saw all the nice sugary treats that I would love to eat but I just kept telling myself, "That will not help you reach your goal." I succeeded in overcoming the temptation but this battle is so hard. Today's another day I'm sure it will be better.:smile2:
bluestategirl

bluestategirl

3
 

Delayed Depression?

So I'm two months post-op. I've been doing really well and have lost about 30 pounds. My total weight loss is 50. I'm right at 187. I feel like I'm doing great but I also feel depressed. I don't know if it's because of other things going on in my life or delayed depression from the surgery. My mom wanted to know why I wasn't more depressed right after. For the whole first month I was so happy all the time. Now I'm down in the dumps. I miss certain foods, like risotto. I'm sure that I could have a bite or two of it but I don't want to risk killing myself for one shining moment of food pleasure. Also I feel like I can eat too much and definitely need another fill. They scheduled me for a Friday but I can't do that because I have a class all day. I love my band though. It feels so good to be able to wear normal size clothes again and know I won't be going back up. I'm mostly following the rules but there have been a couple times when I have let my sugar urges take over. Then I spend the next two days beating myself up about it. I don't know why I do this to myself. It's my own fault but I don't know how to stop the cycle. Just one more behavioral adjustment that I need to make. I'm feeling like maybe I need to go to some of the support groups but Kaiser only has one a month in Sacramento. I wish I could combine knitting with a support group. hmmm. I wonder how that would work. Anyway that's it for now.
bluestategirl

bluestategirl

3
 

Pre-surgery still

So it's been a year and a half since I started this journey toward my lap-band surgery. I've lost 13 pounds over that year and gained none back, which I supposed should be satisfying. It was only until recently that I really started to feel like the program was going to work for me. I feel like I've been this way my whole life and don't know how to change my habits. Then my bariatric psychiatrist requested I go to the classes they offer and I'm so glad that I went to them. They really changed my outlook on food and I feel like it's starting to have so much less power over me. I don't want to be this way anymore. I don't want to have a heart attack at 33 because I'm obese. I want to go out with a guy and have him reject me based solely on the fact that my personality is that of an obnoxious bitch, not because I'm fat. I want to go shopping and pick something up and just try it on. I want to go to the gym and not have everyone stare at me or the grocery store and not get the stink eye no matter what is in my shopping cart. So many things to look forward to. I know with God's help and my hard work and determination I can do this, I just hope I can have my surgery before school starts because that is something I definitely need to have done before then otherwise I'll be waiting until Christmas.:blushing:
bluestategirl

bluestategirl

2
 

I want the scale to lie

This morning I have an appt with my doctor to check out the mysterious chest pains that have been coming and going. I am more nervous about the stupid scale than anything. I just really hope it shows my actual progress because I've been working so hard to get to this goal, not that I'll quit working hard, but I just want to have some peace of mind that I'll be able to get my surgery before summer ends and I'm in the throes of another semester. I did so well yesterday so I don't know why I'm feeling so down this morning. Maybe it's just a device to try to get me off track. But I won't do it because this is too important to me. Someone the other day asked me if I was sure I wanted to give up beer. "I'd rather be thin." was my reply. Also when I was at the gym I started to become afraid of the excess skin issue. I've got to meet with a personal trainer and make sure that doesn't happen. I'm not really a plastic surgery fan. But at the moment it seems my boobs are shrinking faster than anything else. This is annoying on one hand because I would rather have other parts of my body shrink and I don't want to have to buy new bras right now. On the other hand, I don't really care what shrinks as long as something does, I've got plenty of chest to spare.:smile2:
bluestategirl

bluestategirl

2
 

Well here we are...

So here I am, exhausted. I've been running around all day trying to take care of last minute things. Went to school this morning and then to mom's house to put my comfy sheets on the bed. Then home and had Pad-Ke-Mow for lunch from Thai Basil. Everything that I eat I keep thinking, "this is the last time I'll ever be able to eat this." Is is wrong that there are so many foods that I will really miss? Like rice, I love rice. I love Asian food. No more Pa-Nang Curry or Orange Chicken. I went and had coffee with a friend today and I was reminded of why we are friends. She is just one of those people that gets me. For better or worse, she just has a lot of grace for my abrasive personality. I met my roommates for dinner and thought, "This is the last time I will have pasta." Sigh. I'm exhausted but full of energy too. I just want to bust out all my homework at once so I can just get it over with. Tomorrow I'll be leaving for the hospital and get to stay in a hotel, which to me is the best part. Then Thursday is surgery day. I have all kinds of anxiety about it, like what if they refuse to do my surgery, what if they have to cut me open? I feel like I need to fast all day tomorrow so I'll be ready. But is that really healthy? Aaa. I wish that I had this done over the summer when I didn't have to worry about making sure my homework was all done and complete and having a plan for my tutoring group. I guess the best part of this whole thing is all the hard work I've put into this and knowing that this is just the beginning of the spiraling weight loss that I'm going to experience. I can't wait to go back to the gym after surgery and will be excited to go tomorrow morning for the last time for awhile. I bought a jacket the other day that is a size Large and was excited to know that I'll fit into it by the time it actually gets cold enough here to wear it. All my clothes are baggy and are going to be even bigger after the first few months. It's exciting but scary too. I didn't tell my surgeon about moving but my roommates are doing all the work. It will be better to be in a new house with a new body. I just wish this could have been done in between semesters. But what the heck. I dropped my French class so as to avoid the ridiculous amount of work it takes to do that class. My other classes aren't so much work but it also means I'll have to take summer school before I go to Davis in the fall. (well I hope that's where I'll be) I feel like I have so much to accomplish over the next few months. I'll be signing my Transfer agreement with UCD this month and then I'll be doing my application this fall. I'm a little nervous about the university but I think it will be a really good thing for me. I'm anxious to be away from junior college. One thing that I really want to focus on tomorrow is my relationship with Christ. I'm not catholic but I'll be taking my rosary with me to the hospital. I just need to feel protected and like he has it under control. In a way this surgery is like getting married and I have to remember that. It's not all the preparation up to your wedding day that's the most important, it's how you are with your spouse after you're married. The wedding day isn't the be-all end-all of life. Or the end of something. It's just the beginning. I've been fat for so long, it's hard to imagine myself differently. I've been single for so long it's hard to imagine that differently. Anyway I keep telling myself that it will be ok and that God will take care of me. :thumbup:
bluestategirl

bluestategirl

1
 

Finally the scale is my friend

I went to the doctor today and was so excited when their scale showed I had lost a pound. I get so discouraged some days because I feel like I am working so hard, I'm always hungry and my weight isn't changing. This weekend I'm staying at my mom and dad's house which will be really nice for me because it's almost like a little vacation as their house feels like a hotel to me. I was watching So You Think You Can Dance tonight with my roommate and a friend and I was just dreaming of the day when I will be able to dance again. When I was 19 I used to go swing dancing every Sunday night. It was always so much fun and I have to say, I'm not a bad dancer. At the building that my church meets in there is a grand ballroom upstairs and every Friday they have swing dancing there. This fall I will have Friday nights off. I think it would be really fun to actually go dancing and feel confident that I'm not just the fat friend, or the fat sister. Man, I'm really looking forward to that. I would really like to get into dancing again. It's not something that I want to make a career out of or anything I just like to dance for fun. I have often felt like I can't because I'm so overweight and I miss it. I often do wonder what I will look like when I get to goal. I was also thinking about my wedding. It's always been something that is way far off in the future because I've been single for so long. I've always wanted to wear a beautiful grecian style dress with an incredibly low back, but no one wants to look at a really fat back. People say it's wrong to call myself fat but I look at it as taking ownership of the situation. I got this way because of myself, not because of any other person or reason. I've always been a little chubby but it's never been this bad. I don't like it. But there's hope. I know my surgery isn't a magic cure and it's not going solve all my problems, but I'll sure be a lot happier. I want to be healthy and be able to run around after my nephews and maybe my own children someday. And to get back out on the dance floor. I want those great ballroom legs!:cursing:
bluestategirl

bluestategirl

1
 

Getting closer

I haven't blogged in a bit. Been pretty discouraged by the whole pre-surgery process because I just feel like the weight isn't coming off. This is even with working out for an hour or more every day and staying on the meal plan and taking Phentermine. It's a horribly frustrating experience and reminds me why I need this surgery. If I could do this on my own without this tool I would. I'm still convinced I've got a thyroid issue even though all my doctors tell me I don't. I will wait until after my surgery date is set to but my PCP to start me on me medication or send me to a specialist for this. But I don't see how you could not think I've got a thyroid issue when I have all the sx of one. Anyway. This morning I realized that in 31 hours I will be meeting with my surgeon. The immediate emotional response is to eat nothing today and just fast so that I can lose as much extra weight as possible but then I realized that I get sick when I try to do that, it's why anorexia never worked for me. I've been faithful and careful and diligent about what goes in my mouth, been going to gym most days. Sometimes I get really tired and my heart just isn't in it but those are the days when I need to go the most. I just feel discouraged so much when the scale shows no weight loss. I feel like I'm working so hard for nothing and this is usually the point when I give up. So hopefully I can keep this going. I know that God wants me to be healthy and I know that he gave us doctors who could come up with surgeries like this to help people like me. I do take responsibility for being obese and I know that I didn't get this way by eating pounds of veggies but I also know that my body is wired with horrible awful metabolism that makes it very difficult for me to lose weight even when all the right things are being done. God's timing is perfect and I know that I'm ready for this surgery. I am praying that my appt goes well tomorrow because I truly want to get this done and over with as soon as possible. I'm greatful that I have such a great support system and so many people have been positive about this with me. The ones who don't understand are the outsiders but even my knitting group ladies who I just barely met are supportive of me having this done. I'm having lunch with my sister today, just the two of us, no children. I'm looking forward to talking to her without being interrupted every 5 seconds. It will be a good way to spend my day off. Well here's to me finally getting to my surgery appt. Let's hope they have a surgery date next week!:cursing:
bluestategirl

bluestategirl

1
 

Can't believe that I fit into this skirt!

Just had a fill a couple weeks ago. Since then I've lost five pounds. I finally have broken the miserable plateau I was on. I'm so excited and a lot of the depressive feelings I was having are gone. I have this skirt hanging in my closet from college. I haven't worn it in ten years. It's black and has red skulls on it. I'll probably never wear it again but I was saving it until I could fit into it again, just to know that I could wear it if I wanted to. I put it on the other day just to check my progress and was able to zip it all the way up. Instantly I was taken back 10 years and had the urge to dye my hair black and find my fishnets and buy a pair of doc martins. My best friends both have forbade me to wear it. It never ceases to amaze me how far I've come since then. My hair is long now, dark brown and I think I'm much more beautiful without all the black eyeliner. It seems like ever since Lent and Holy Week came I've been doing so much better with my own self-image. Once again I'm not seeing a fat girl in the mirror when I look in it. Also I'm taking a lot of risks in my life and that is making me feel alive again. I've started looking for ways to be positive about my job so that I'm not as upset and angry all the time. It seems to be working. When my life is going well it doesn't seem like I make as much of an effort to control my emotional eating, but when I'm happy I am more focused on making sure that I take care of myself. Anyway that's it for now. Weight this morning was 181.0 hoping to get below 180 by the end of the week.:thumbup:
bluestategirl

bluestategirl

1
 

Feeling pretty good today

Today I woke up feeling pretty good, no back pain, no joint pain, no fatigue. This is the first time this has happened in awhile. I got up and watered the plants and put on my gym clothes and went to the gym. I was fearing the scale because it's been a few days since I lost any weight but I know that I'm not really supposed to weigh myself every day so I had a hope that I would have dropped a little. I'm down to 222 now and only have 6 pounds left to get to my goal, but I have a hope that maybe I'll weigh less on the doctor's scale tomorrow when I go in for an appt. I did very well at the gym this morning too. 65 minutes on the elliptical trainer and then 4 laps in the pool to cool off, should have burned about 1000 calories just since I woke up this morning. I had a chicken sandwich, no mayo or oil from subway for lunch. There's less calories in it than I burned off at the gym. Normally I don't eat out but I was really hungry when I was done with my workout and needed something fast but healthy. I made a good choice and I'm proud of myself. I'm nervous about going to see my doctor tomorrow because I have been having chest pains and I am afraid it's going to hold up my surgery. I just don't want anything to go wrong with me. Hopefully it's just something harmless. The only good thing about going is I get to be weighed on their scale which will tell me how much I've really lost. :smile2:
bluestategirl

bluestategirl

1
 

A new set of symptoms

Being overweight definitely has a lot of disadvantages. Almost every obese person has a plethora of health problems. I've always had stomach issues my whole life, migraines, joint pain, back pain etc. Now that I'm losing weight a whole new set of sx is cropping up. I have developed costochondritis and hypoglycemia. These are just mild sx and will eventually go away. I was having a really rough day today because I was just feeling so discouraged and exhausted. I wanted to stay in bed and do nothing until it was time for me to get up and go to work but I dragged my sorry butt out of bed and went to the gym instead. My heart just really hasn't been in it lately but I'm forcing myself to go because I know it's good for me. I was feeling pretty down when I realized that the stupid scale isn't showing any progress still. I feel like a failure because my weight hasn't reduced and I'm so tired of this pre-surgery battle. I just feel like I want to get this over with and move on. It's like being single, why can't I just move on from here? Don't I ever get to graduate. I would like the scale to show me as being less than 220 at some point. I wish I could just sleep for the next week until my appt with my surgeon. This is an exhausting battle and I know it's barely begun even though I've been fighting for almost 2 years. I hope by the time I turn 31 I'll be under 150. It seems like a lofty goal right now but if I get my surgery soon I know I can get there. I want to be a whole new sexy me and be able to wear gorgeous shoes without being in instant pain because there are 220 pounds on a 3 inch heel. ahhh dreams. I can't wait.
bluestategirl

bluestategirl

1
 

It's been awhile

So I haven't blooged for awhile and I really need to get back in the habit of doing this since it's such a huge support for me. I started school this week. I'm pretty confident in my classes and am feeling pretty good about this semester so far. I'm excited to start tutoring again soon too. I have been working hard to get my extra weight off and plan to fast and eat raw this weekend to help me shed some extra weight before my appt with my surgeon on tuesday. It might make me sick but I'll monitor my health level carefully to make sure I don't get too hungry. My surgery feels like it's getting closer than ever and I've planned a "last meal potluck" to celebrate my new life and to eat some rice one last time. I'll be off school for a week but I think I'll actually be ok. It's been a little stressful since I had a third roommate move in but it's slowly working itself out. I'm excited to move on. I feel like my whole life is about to take a dramatic turn. Few more weeks and I'll have my band. I'm nervous about my second appt with the surgeon because I'm afraid I'll not have lost enough weight to his satisfaction. It's hard to be working non-stop on something I don't really have any control over. I can't determine how fast I'll lose weight. I'm hoping that some of my friends will come to my potluck and support me. I think it will be a fun time. Now off to bed to get a little sleep before a super long day again tomorrow. I've got homework!
bluestategirl

bluestategirl

1
 

Long day but exciting

So today I got an e-mail back from my doctor saying to call the Bariatric nurse and set up an appt with the surgeon. It's currently scheduled for August 12. This is a little disappointing but I'm glad to have it scheduled. I'm just praying that in the next month I'll be able to go under the knife and have this pre-surgery battle done with. I'm ready for the post-surgery battle to begin. I ate some candy today because I was down, it was before I talked to the dept but I told myself I would do double at the gym tomorrow as pennance. Anyway a lot else happened today and I am very exhausted so I'm just going to pass out here and now.:thumbup:
bluestategirl

bluestategirl

1
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