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Life in the Lap Band Lane

Sunday, July 5, 2009   Life in the Lap Band Lane     I'm beginning to think that the pain I get that seems to be in my neck is actually still gas in the abdominal cavity pressing on the nerve that leads up to my shoulders. Then there's swallowed air. I'm becoming an expert at swallowing a little, burping a little, swallowing a little, burping a little. Can't belch. Not enough room in the stomach for that. Then, of course, there's the feel free to fart frequently rule.   These things should all settle down--I hope. Had a caramel steamer (hot skim milk with caramel in it) tonight. It was way too sweet. I also distinctly noticed that I felt weak and breathless afterwards. Won't try that again. I've hardly had any sugar except what's in low sugar juices, which I don't drink that much, and in milk which also has protein and in 5 oz of V8. The regular protein and low sugar have got to have been keeping my blood sugar pretty stable. The caramel probably shocked my system.   I'm also keeping pretty close track on my blood pressure. I woke up two mornings in a row with high blood pressure. At least this morning I wasn't dizzy. (I made sure I took a few swallows of Kiefer before I went to bed whereas the night before I ate at 5:30 and didn't really have anything but water the rest of the night. I actually forgot to have a snack.) My right arm has definitely got much higher pressure than my left. I'm really tired of doctors but I'm going to have to go to my regular physician to deal with the blood sugar issues and the crazy blood pressure.   In the summer I also usually see the dentist, eye doctor, and have a mammogram, because I'm off school.   In everything but the food I've usually taken pretty good care of myself. I've always tried to exercise even with the weight and the arthritis. So why should I, or anyone else, feel guilty about taking care of ourselves with the life-threatening condition of obesity?   What is it about this condition and us choosing to do something proven to work that brings out the worst in some other people? And why do we listen to them and care?   Many people don't understand this disease. They don't see it as a medical condition that frequently requires a medical solution. Sometimes it seems they'd rather you died and went down fighting the disease on your own than that you get the help that could save your life and help you win the war. They are shame-based people who have to transfer that shame onto others.   The Bible boils down all the rules and regulations of life to "Love God above all and your neighbor as yourself." In Micah 6 it says, "Act justly, love mercy, and walk humbly with your God."   So don't let others "should" on you. Don't "should" on yourself. And don't "should" on other people. But its OK to burp and fart
 

Life Goes On, Without the Weight

Sunday, January 17, 2010   Life Goes On, Without the Weight     I'm always surprised when someone comes up to me and compliments me on losing weight. I forget what a shock my appearance is to people, especially if they haven't seen me for a while. If they ask me how I lost the weight, I tell them about the lap band, but I always make sure they know its just a tool; I tell them if I don't eat right it won't work. In fact, if all I ate was ice cream it would slide right through and I could eat enough to gain all the weight back and then some.   I find being honest publicly helps me be honest with myself. I'm 3 lbs. from goal and slowing down on speed of weight loss. Trying to ease into maintenance. I'm scheduled for another fill Feb 2, which I can tell I'm going to need. I can eat a lot now at a sitting. Not good. Means if I do that, then I've got to really be careful for several days after in order to maintain or continue to lost. However, I can't manage a life of weighing and measuring and writing everything down. So I need the band filled to limit the quantity I can eat and then make good choices most days with occassional treat days.   One big relief is that Roseland Christian where I work is doing much better. The money has come in to keep us running despite the IRS freezing and then taking the money in our account. We are meeting all our current obligations, including to the IRS, for this year. We are working on paying past obligations, with the help of donors who believe in us. And we seem to be getting some good help in place for future fundraising.   I don't think I can tell you how much I love teaching at Roseland. I am not a textbook teacher. Probably no effective teacher is. I no longer even attempt to write lesson plans. The material I cover from year to year is basically the same. The workbooks my assistant puts together from the materials we have may come from new materials but I have kids working through them at their own pace and ability levels like before. As they finish a page I check it, reteach as necessary and have them correct it or I do it with them. They constantly circle around me and sit back down and get back to work. They love working in my classroom because they're working at their own level and pace and because my assistant and I are available to help them.   Flexibility is the key and rigid lesson plans don't work. I work through reading the same novels as in past years but the questions I ask have to be so flexible because the children's abilities are so varied and their responses are so different. I have to ask the questions in totally different ways for different children.   What worked one year might not work the next year. For example, my fifth grade class is mostly boys. They all have very poor attention spans. Boys are competitive, so everyday I split them into their teams and start with review questions on what we've read previously. Their team gets points for what they are able to answer. They hate when I stop the game to continue reading the book, but they have also really gotten into the book so they hate when the bell rings, too.   I make things up on the fly while I'm teaching that I would never think of if tied down to a detailed lesson plan. My most recent memory device is a song set to the old Mounds/Almond Joy jingle. I sing to the kids who are learning to carry or trade numbers, "Sometimes you carry the number (or 10), sometimes you don't."   Every year I get better at teaching. I get better at handling the kids and building relationships with them. This past week a fourth grade boy said while he was doing his math, "I love Mrs. Flory. I love math."   Man, that's worth all the other hassles that go with teaching. I love these kids at Roseland. I'm so connected with them. And I might not get to teach them next year. I have begun to realize what a privelege teaching these kids is.   But its all in God's hands. I believe Roseland will still be there another year. The help is coming in. That's one hurdle. Now I need to hear from Chicago Public Schools if they're still going with an outside vendor, then that vendor has to agree to subcontract with Elim who is the vendor for my services at Roseland for me to keep my job. Meanwhile I'm signing up for two graduate courses next summer. I'll only need one after that to be endorsed in Special Ed and I'll be able to keep taking Master's courses after that. Possible that I'll have my degree by the end of the following summer.   So I'm doing the footwork to continue my employment. I might become a consultant for one of the programs I use in my classroom, or I might connect with homeschoolers who have kids with learning problems. I really don't like the way special ed is handled in the public schools. These teachers seem to be testing kids, filling out paperwork, writing ieps, and sitting in meetings a lot more than they're teaching or helping the kids. That's not what I want to do. So we'll see.   God has his plans for me. He's brought me safe thus far. And whatever my future holds, I'm going into it a lot healthier and with a lot less weight to hold me back.   God is good, all the time. All the time, God is good.
ifyourstomachoffendsyou

ifyourstomachoffendsyou

1
 

Life After Lapband

Thursday, September 10, 2009   Life After Lapband     I've been so busy!! I don't even know what to talk about. We had our school open house tonight. I had to talk a little bit about my program and introduce someone. Mostly I had to introduce our school's fall project,AOK, Acts of Kindness. Roseland Christian School is having the children do 125 acts of kindness to celebrate its 125th birthday. I also introduced it to the students at a special assembly at the end of the school day and we did a little skit. While I was talking to the kids about the project, a homeless woman (former teacher) came from behind the stage and sat down on the stairs to the stage. Of course, the children's attention was taken from me and I started asking what they were looking at when the homeless woman shook her money can. I turned around, saw her, and asked, "Who's that? What's she doing here?" I kind of shook my head and went back to explaining the Acts of Kindness when she shook her can again. This went on a little bit before I finally debated out loud about giving her my cup of coffee. Then I had a child give her my cup and then I had another child bring a dollar for her can. I finished explaining the acts of kindness and told the kids that when we help or give to others, we might be entertaining angels unawares. It was pretty cool.   I got some great complements from parents I hadn't seen a while. A former student ran into my room to give me a hug and also commented on how skinny I am. I knew I looked pretty good. I had my hair up in its Pebbles Flinstone reincarnation which is like giving myself a natural facelift. I had on blouse that shaded from pink to fucshia and a long skirt that made me look skinnier.   I've stocked my food "pantry" at school with 3 oz. peel-top cans of tuna and chicken as well as protein shakes, peel-top all-natural no-sugar added applesauce and small pop top cans of low-sodium V-8. I also found this Madras lentil and red bean soup in a pouch that you put in a bowl and heat in the microwave. Delicious. I come home not real hungry and have meat and a vegetable for supper. I eat a Kashi bar in the evening for a snack. I drink my decaf lattes throughout the day, and don't crave much. I did have a few cravings last weekend and one day this week. Not having anything in the house to pig out on really helps. I'm not willing to run to the store to get something.   For a while today I was thinking about eating this way the rest of my life and got a little nostalgic for the "good old days." But those days weren't that good. I'm just off the last of my bp meds. Gotta call the Dr. to see what the results of my chem panel were. Maybe I can get off my Crestor and just take my Niacin to help keep my good cholesterol up.   I like looking good; I like feeling good. I like climbing slides and monkey bars with my grandchildren. I like pushing them in their little cars all over the sidewalk and driveways. I like going for long walks along the edge of the forest preserve and watching the deer. I like having the energy to climb stairs at work. I like having great breath control while singing. I like being able to make it through the whole set during the church service without the front of my leg going numb.   When the food calls me I need to weigh what I've got now vs the ephemeral satisfaction of food. I can be so visionary in so many ways and a real big picture person, but with food I could never see beyond the end of my tongue. Maybe if I keep listing all the good things that have happened and give God the thanks every day, I'll be able to think outside the stomach and continue in this lapband journey.   God is good, all the time. All the time, God is good.
ifyourstomachoffendsyou

ifyourstomachoffendsyou

1
 

Keys to Weight Loss and Maintenance

Maintenance scares me. I'm getting a fill to help me maintain. I'm to the point where I just need a tweak. But I can eat too much, especially at night. I'm working on my issues. I don't journal my food, being ADHD makes me go crazy trying to keep track of details, it just makes me want to eat, so I journal my food-related issues on lapbandtalk and on my blog. I frequently focus on my ADHD, my codependancy, my arthritis related pain, etc.   I also work on my mental state by focusing on the good things in my life. Philippians 4:8 says, Finally brothers(and sisters), whatever is true, , whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is admirable--if anything is excellent or praiseworthy--think about such things. Change your thoughts, change your brain, change your life.   I'm working on creating that paradigm shift inside my brain to help turn off the emotional cravings for food.   I rely on God to fill the spiritual hunger, particularly through staying involved in my church, especially the music (praise) ministry, which for me is a whole body, mind, and spirit experience.   The exercise I'm getting and the high protein diet are actually very good for the ADHD. And I'm an Alanon veteran who knows the value of letting go and letting God deal with the dysfunctional people in my life. I still work the 12 steps when it comes to wanting to control people and places and things. That helps.   I'm practicing contentment, being content in all my circumstances, good and bad, knowing that I can do all things through him who strengthens me. That's from Phillipians 4: 11-14.   I'm also practicing balance, which is part of contentment. I don't want to get addicted to continued weight loss, or to exercise, or to work, or to church, or to people, or to anything. Maintaining balance helps me maintain balance in my food.   I try to do what I'm good at and put my focus there instead of on trying to be good at things I'll never be good at. As an ADHD person, I have others who keep me organized. I try not to let anyone guilt me into doing things I'm not good at or that will knock me out of balance.   What I do well, I make myself better at. What I'm good at is teaching. What I'm good at is building relationships with children that make them want to learn. I help them experience success and then make that snowball. I observe their learning style and find the blocks as well as the strengths and then I experiment with methods and materials that I think might help until I find what does.   I pour all my energy and love into what is an incredibly rewarding job, working with academically at-risk students from one of the communities with the highest rates of murder in the city of Chicago.   For relaxation and fun, I play with and take care of my grandchildren who always make me laugh.   These things helped me lose the weight. They should help me maintain.   Cheri
ifyourstomachoffendsyou

ifyourstomachoffendsyou

1
 

Just Write It

Wednesday, July 22, 2009   Just Write It     "Life is a journey, look for the smilemarkers along the way." Man, I need to get that copywrited. That's a bumper sticker in the making. That sentence popped into my head as I was finishing my blog late last night when I could barely see to finish the post. It became the title.   I really do love writing this blog. Even though I'm a pretty good writer I tend to put off writing things that I've committed to writing until the last minute. Procrastination. I've heard that procrastinators are frustrated perfectionists who put things off to the last minute in order to give themselves permission to do a less than perfect job.   Personally, I find that I can't concentrate enough to write until I'm up against a deadline. In the case of this blog, I start it when its really time to go to bed. By the time I'm finished I can barely see the page. I also can't stop writing until the ideas stop coming, another reason why I may be afraid to start. I'm always amazed when I'm done to find that its relatively coherent.   Often I just start with whatever pops into my head and keep going. When I'm done I re-read it and realize there's usually a theme. My brain organizes things without me even realizing it.   Still trying to figure out what the theme of this blog is. Or what it has to do with food addiction and lapband surgery.   Just musing on the whole writing process and the way creativity happens. Sometimes ideas pop into my head while I'm walking. Sometimes they're inspired by events of the day. Sometimes ideas that have been percolating in my subconscious for a long time finally rise to the top. Once I start writing about it I can't stop. If I'm passionate about a subject things particularly seem to flow. I'm passionate about food addiction and its effects on me and others.   Having the self-imposed discipline of posting everyday has made me more mindful of the events of the day, the thoughts going through my head, what's important that I need to talk about that others might appreciate.   Although each of these posts is written as a stand alone piece with some references to earlier posts, they are all connected. I'm tracing the history and issues of my addiction that come up while I record the information about where I am in my lapband journey. If I tried to write all this as a pre-planned book, it would never happen. But I've posted at least 40 times. Each post could almost be a chapter in a book. I've never believed I could ever write a book, but, in essence, that's what I'm doing.   I'm also able to really be myself while I'm writing this. You pretty much know the worst about me and you read me anyway. Some of you have written me or told me that you love how I'm unselfconscious, that I've moved you to tears, that you're praying for me, that I'm funny, that I'm inspiring. Mostly, I'm trying to be honest. Life is funny and life hurts.   Everybody secretly desires to by known by someone else. To have the protective outer layers peeled away and the real person emerge where they can love and receive love not just inspite of but because of their peccadillos and insecurities. Its a real risk to put yourself out there in public. Most of us aren't too successful revealing ourselves even to our families. In fact, families can be the least safe place for that kind of revelation.   I hope that those of you who struggle with similar issues (and who really doesn't? Mine is the human condition.) find your own voice and safe people with whom you can use it.   AA's fifth step states, "Admitted to God, to ourselves, and to another human being (usually a sponsor) the exact nature of our wrongs," or maybe we should say admitted our exact nature.   If you're one of those honored with the peeled away self-revelations of another human being, be aware. You are holding something fragile and beautiful and quite perishable. Handle with care.
 

Joy of Food

Thursday, June 25, 2009   Joy of Food     Today I went shopping for food. I fixed food for myself, something I seldom do. Food addiction robbed me of the joy of picking out food from the grocery store and fixing it. I avoided both in an effort to prevent triggering over-eating. But today I had the challenge of making egg whites taste good. I tried chili powder, ground black pepper, a sprinkling of salt and a sprinkling of lowfat cheddar cheese. Not bad.   Food addiction robs us of so much joy. The joy of really enjoying our food. We gobble it without tasting, or we only taste the first few bites. Going through a store with food triggers cravings. Cooking food triggers craving. If we make something the way we really like it, we can't stop eating it. We eat out because quantities are limited. Except that everything is supersized.   Maybe I can get that joy back. I remember cooking by the seat of my pants, a little of this, a little of that, what's in the cabinets and fridge, what will happen if I put this with that, probably better never make that again, that was surprisingly tasty. Couldn't follow a recipe to save my life. Couldn't go to the grocery store with a list and come home with everything on it. But I liked cooking.   I'm on soft foods for 2 weeks. I'm actually excited about seeing what I can do with some limited options. I'm even planning ways to make the food something my husband might even eat.   Joy. Joy of food. Joy of cooking. Joy of life. The way God intended it to be. I don't want to go back to the way life is not supposed to be. The joy of the Lord will have to be my strength.
 

Its All Relative

Thursday, August 27, 2009   Its All Relative     Tonight I had my first solid food since getting my fill last Tues. I chewed my chicken to death and did moisten it with gravy. I could feel tightness when I swallowed unless I chewed tiny bites into mush and swallowed only a little at a time. A couple of times I could feel a pb trying to start (productive cough, or as I call it puke back). I wiped the extra saliva out of my mouth and waited it out before cautiously resuming eating.   In case you forgot, food can plug the stoma the band creates and stuff comes back up--especially saliva. The band feels much tighter in the morning so I'll probably do liquids tomorrow but try to eat real food again for supper.   My weight loss has started again. We also realized our blood pressure machine was wrong. We got a new one and its in line with the Dr.s now, and my blood pressure is in normal range with a lot less drugs. My husband found out his blood sugar was higher than mine. Still in the borderline range but barely. So he's cutting way back on carbs and will probably lose more weight.   It is absolutely not fair that men can lose weight so easily. My husband and I are about the same height, I may have half an inch on him, but he has a very slight build. When he gains weight its all in his tummy. The rest of him stays skinny. He also has some of the worst eating habits, barely eating during the day and then eating supper for an hour and dessert or snacks all evenings. (He has modified this because I couldn't take being around so much food all night long.)   His blood pressure and cholesterol are great. The blood sugar is the first sign that his eating habits are starting to cause him trouble. So he threw out all the carbs he had hidden in the house to eat when I'm not around.   When I met him he was a heavy smoker and barely ate except for his snacks. He was so skinny his ribs would poke me when we hugged. I was at a relatively skinny point in my life and was in top shape, walking, swimming, and working the machines at the gym. I went dancing at least once a week. I was still 20 lbs. heavier than he.   He gave up the smoking for me and turned to food and now he's giving up the food. Go Ken!   He's also been dismantling the basement, demolishing all the paneling and ceiling tiles, so that we can get a draintile moat put under the floor to eliminate our water and mold problems. Ken would be the first to admit he's not handy. So far he's stepped on three nails. Fortunately, you only need one tetanus shot. He's doing this for me, too, since I refuse to pay money to have it done. We need the money to pay for the drain tile and possibly a new roof since my current one is leaking again after two days of rain.   That'll pretty much wipe us out and we'll have to slowly redo the basement as savings permit. As long as I have a job, that is. But I can't project too far into the future. We help pay for a child in Kenya to attend school, have a mattress and a lantern to study by, school supplies, a uniform, and one meal a day.   I've walked on Mount Trashmore in the Phillipines and watched the children combing through the trash in unbelievable heat, stench, and humidity for things that could be sold to support their family. These are not people who have to worry about getting a lapband to keep them from eating too much.   Its pretty hard to complain after that. Even when we think we're living in want, we're living in plenty.   Its all relative.   I am content, no matter what my circumstance.
 

In His Time (first fill)

Tuesday, August 11, 2009   In His Time     Today I had my lapband fill. It was a fascinating experience. All the people waiting for a fill chatted about their experiences in the waiting room. One by one we were called into a room where we laid down under a floroscope. When my turn came, the Dr. looked for my incision, swabbed the area, and felt for the port. He took this cool device invented by someone at UIC (waiting broader distribution) pressed it to my stomach. It let out a poof of air and injected lidocaine without needles and without pain over the area. Its so cool. Its used before IV's are inserted, before shots are given, before surface cuts are stitched.   After the lidocaine the doctor inserts a needle through which the solution can be injected into the band. He had no trouble finding the port. I could feel the band puff up. Then I had to start drinking the barium drink. He watched the barium go through and adjusted the fill accordingly. When he was satisfied it was just right I was helped down and was done.   Except the picture from the floroscope was still there. So I asked him to explain it. He showed me the esophagus with the new pouch at it's base, barely wider than the esophagus. He showed me the shadow of the band and how narrow the opening was to let the barium through to the old stomach. I could see the squirts of barium curling into the old stomach. Pretty actually.   I was amazed at how small the opening between the stomachs was. Its obvious I'm not going to be able to get much through that narrow tunnel. I'm going to really have to take tiny bites and chew things to death. Today and tomorrow I'm just having liquids and then I'll be adding solids.   This Dr. was not my surgeon. He handled patients from all the surgeons. This was his specialty and he was running an assembly line.   Not everyone is so blessed. Some have surgeons who do the fill themselves and can't find the port and refuse to use floroscopes or don't have them available. That makes it hard to get the fill just right. So they inject minute amounts at a time so that it takes months and months before the patient begins to feel restriction. Its almost like torture for these desperate patients.   I'm really blessed to have been sent by my HMO to a top notch facility and doctors. I'm glad I've found such a good support group on lapbandtalk. I"m glad I spent so many years learning about addiction, ADHD, and eating disorders. I'm glad for my experience in Alanon, and OA, and group and individual therapy. My chances of success with the lapband are pretty good because of the self-knowledge I gained as well as the great support I have from my providers and other bandsters.   I really feel good about getting the band. I have this sense of peace about it, and this feeling that I'm being blessed through it--not just with weight loss. I've never before pulled all the threads of my disease out of the woven fabric they'd created in my life and examined them and the pattern they'd created all in one place.   Getting the band, seeing all these threads, and recording how they're intertwined has given me enormous relief. I rejected shame and its power over me. The power to make me feel paralyzed to do anything about my eating disorder. I took a powerful step when I decided to get the band and jumped through all the hoops I needed to jump through to qualify for the band. I stuck to it for over a year.   For an ADHD person, that was a major undertaking. I actually gained a few pounds in order to have a high enough BMI which, combined with my co-morbidities, qualified me for the surgery. Then I had to lose that weight and keep it off as part of my requirement. I had to attend eight months of nutrition classes where I knew more of the answers than anyone but the nutritionist. I had to deal with the insurance company and liase between them, my regular Dr. and clinic, and UIC. Details like that drive me pretty crazy, but I did it.   I took back the power this disease took away from me. I think it all happened in God's time. All the other things I've been through and dealt with have led to this time when an effective tool has been made available at a time when I actually have the time to deal with the disease.   Summer school was canceled freeing me up to have the June surgery with the rest of the summer to deal with recovery. I had the time to write this blog. I had the time to explore lapbandtalk. I had the time to start to heal some of my physical limitations, figuiring out how to use the incline board to relieve the pressure in my neck that was limiting my ability to walk any distance. (It was also making it more and more difficult to teach.) I can now swing my arms while I walk and do not experience burning neck pain while walking.   I believe I was sent to the right doctor, at the right hospital, for the most helpful tool, at exactly the right time.   I don't have any doubt who was behind all that.
 

I Am Not Lazy

Tuesday, November 24, 2009   I Am Not Lazy     I think about my motivation to work. ADHD makes a lot of things difficult for me. Organization and focusing issues, procrastination, needing the pressure of urgency, a deadline, a self-imposed goal and time-line to get things done. I've been accused of being lazy. Maybe I am. But its more a matter of there being a great need for something to be done to keep me focused and on task.   One of the reasons I'm afraid of reaching my weight goal is that the urgency that keeps me on task with my food will be gone. Whenever, I have trouble getting at things that overwhelm me (like cleaning and organizing closets and getting rid of old clothes), I remind myself that I am not lazy. I am ADHD. I work very hard at Roseland Christian School, going well beyond what I'm paid or expected to do.   I love my job. I love teaching. I love the school I teach at. I put in very full hours teaching. On Tuesdays, I have no breaks. My assistant is there and that helps, but its a long day. I have kids in my room before and after school. They love to be in my room. They love to learn. They're safe at our school and they are loved and they know it.   Three blocks from our school a young man was beaten to death with a 2 by 4. Footage made it to TV sets around the world. I always feel a sense of urgency to reach these kids and give them the tools to not be seduced by the street culture that destroys so many of these young lives.   Pray that Roseland Christian School will make it. Finances are precarious. Most people with money just don't see the importance of our work. I'd love to see us expand and keep tuition cheap enough that more children could come here. Places like this are the hope for these urban areas. We make a difference where it counts, one child at a time.   Thank God for what you've got. In some ways this is like a war zone. A third world country. Inside the USA.   Pray that I'll be able to keep working here. I've built relationships with these kids over the years I've had them. The relationships are a huge part of why I'm so effective. For them, I will work my a$$ off.   Not just for myself, not just for my grandchildren, but for this job and this school, I want to keep the weight off. I have so much more energy for the children. I think I actually have more patience because I'm not so wiped out.   God is good, all the time. All the time, God is good.
ifyourstomachoffendsyou

ifyourstomachoffendsyou

1
 

I am Content.

Perhaps I wasn't as clear about muscle/fat in yesterdays post so I'll clear that up first. Of course muscle is denser than fat. So a lb of it is smaller. Which is why, though my weight loss has slowed as I approach goal, with the fat being replaced by muscle through regular exercise, I look like I've lost more than I actually have.   I plan to lose the last three lbs and give myself a 5 lb cushion to be lost very slowly as I transition to maintenance. I am all too aware that 7 months is not enough to permanantly change a lifelong addiction. The real battle is before me.   Being content with who I am is not the same as complacency. My Dr.'s goal for me was 170 # which at my height and weight and build puts me exactly at the correct BMI. I chose to make it an even 70# loss by making my goal 167#.   Being content with who I am means I won't get sucked into losing too much and then rebounding as a result. Being content means I'm accepting of my exercise limitations and arthritis and of my age wrinkles and laugh lines and overstretched skin and varicose veins and all the things over which I have no control (and no money to fix them, either, LOL).   Being content means when people compliment me or say things they think are compliments, after I get over being startled, because I forget I've lost the weight, I laugh and say, "Thanks, I have lost weight."   If they express concern that I might get too thin, I just laugh and say, "Not a chance of that happening."   So much of beauty is attitude. I've got my athletic walk back and I carry myself with confidence and I am a smiler and laugher. I know how to dress and use make-up and fix my hair in flattering ways. I may even be a little vain LOL.   I know I look good again. I feel sexy in my clothes too (not naked, LOL). I was blessed with a very balanced figure, actually. When I was younger and thinner (but not skinny) I've heard it described as hourglass and svelt. The last few lbs and the reshaping have really melted a lot of the belly fat and given me curves again.   I'll never be as thin through the middle as I was, but that's part of the aging process. Even the thinnest women seem to thicken through their middles while their hips look thinner, and extreme exercise seems to make them look even straighter. They lose their curves. I like having curves.   After 3 big babies (biggest 10 lbs.) a hysterectomy, and a big gain and loss leaving me with a lot of stretchmarked flabby flapping skin, I'll never have a tight trim waist or belly, but my curves are back.   I'm pretty sure I'm interpreting the looks I get the right way. Interest on the part of men I don't know and an awareness of me that I didn't see before on the part of some of the men I do know. Surprise and doubletakes on the part of many people I know. Lots of compliments.   In a way the attention makes me uncomfortable. Like, what was I before, chopped liver?   But I also appreciate the attention and that people mean well.   So keep that attention and those compliments coming. I'll deal with them the best I can. LOL   Mainly, I am content.   God is good, all the time All the time, God is good.
ifyourstomachoffendsyou

ifyourstomachoffendsyou

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Half Way There!

Wednesday, August 19, 2009   Half Way There!     I've reached the halfway point! Whoo-hoo!   Thirty-five pounds lost. Thirty-five to go. People are starting to notice. The ones who know I've had lapband often seem hesitant to say something. Others seem puzzled. I've also been growing my hair out and its quite long. So they don't always know what's different about me or what to choose to comment on. Plus, people are no longer sure whether its OK to comment on someone's weight. Complementing someone on losing means they were too heavy before. I enjoy watching people's faces and seeing their dilemma over what to say if anything.   For a while, it was like the fatter I got, the shorter I cut my hair. Now its long enough to put into a Pebbles Flintstone pony tail. All I need is a bone. That was definitely not a cute look when I was heavier, but I kind of like it now. It gives me an instant facelift. Its also cool on these hot days. When its down around my shoulders and framing my face it feels like a soft cloud. I love my hair right now.   Found an outfit in my closet from a few years ago that I hung on to that fits me right now. Kind of Hawaiian. I wore it to a meeting with some coworkers who haven't seen me since May. It was fun to wear something I haven't been able to wear for several years.   I've been looking for clothes at thrift stores to supplement some of my older clothes. I have no intention of spending much money on clothes that might not fit for long. I don't like to shop very much and searching through racks and racks of poorly organized clothes drives me a little crazy, but it sure saves me money.   I did go to one store that's run by mostly Dutch people. Now there, I think they measure the clothes to get the size if its missing, all sizes are in the right place, clearly marked, and you could eat off the floors.   I like reinventing myself. This is just exterior stuff. Its like playing dress up. New body, new clothes, new hair.   Changing the inside, that's a little more work. But I'm doing it. My health is better. I'm off 3 1/2 scripts and 2 supplements. My neck is giving me less trouble. I'm sleeping better.   I'd also say that I've really been dealing with all the issues behind the eating. Guilt, shame, resentment, codependency, ADHD/ADD, emotional eating. Complex issues that all affect compulsive eating.   But today was for celebrating. For counting my blessings. For thanking God for 35 pounds lost and getting half way to goal. Yea God. Yea Cheri. Hip, hip, hooray.
 

Guilt, Shame, and Other Ineffective Motivators

Saturday, June 27, 2009   Guilt, Shame, and Other Ineffective Motivators     Let me get this right out in front. Food addiction is not sin. Glorying in it is. Flaunting it is. Refusing to do anything about it is.   Using willpower doesn't work for long except in very anal people, which I am not. For most of us, this is the thorn in the flesh that God refuses to remove, despite ernest prayer and pleas. Different methods work for different people, but having people guilt you, shame you, humiliate you, preach at you, quote Bible verses to you, tell you you just need willpower, or to pray harder, doesn't work. In fact, most of these things backfire, cause even more guilt and shame than we already carry, and drive us deeper into the food.   Scientists are working on drugs that work on those addiction centers of the brain that control the cravings for over-eating as well as other addictions. This is a brain-based disease and most of us can trace the cravings back to early childhood whether our bodies reflected the disorder or not.   Most of us have fought long and hard to contain the cravings. Yet the disease grows along with our hopelessness. We lose weight only to regain it with interest.   In addition to the cravings for the substance itself, food is a proven numbing medication for issues like sexual and physical abuse, service to others at the expense of taking care of ourselves, stuffing our feelings and not speaking up for ourselves, depression, and in my case I would add, ADHD.   For me, food helps me concentrate and sit still. The restlessness that overwhelms me, the stillness and concentration that society and social convention require from me are brought under control with food--especially chocolate.   This is the only addiction that requires you to indulge it 3x a day. We can't live with food and we can't live without it.   Don't judge us. Don't give us advice. Pray for us. Love us. Accept us the way we are. This is a disease of silence. but our bodies speak louder than our words. Encourage us to break our silence, to talk about the pain of our condition--which is the human condition, under which all creation groans, waiting for that final redemption.
 

Greek Food and Monkey Bars!

Saturday, September 5, 2009   Greek Food and Monkey Bars!     My first full week of school really kicked my butt--need the extended weekend to recover. Lost a couple more pounds. I brought several items to stock up at school. I love the peel-a-can tunas and chicken. I have some applesauces and low-sodium V-8s. I also have some protein shakes. None of them need refrigerating, they're all pre-measured amounts. So far, that's working great.   Whoo hoo! I'm at a 40 lb weight loss--30 more to go. I tried on the outfit I got married in in 2000 and it fits! Its very elegant and will fit even better by my October reunions.   Went to a Greek restaurant tonight and had my first glass of wine in forever. It tasted really good and I used it to moisten my appetizers since I'm so restricted and I did want to enjoy my food without pb-ing. Had some flaming Greek cheese, some stuffed vine leaves(pork and rice) with yoghurt, and ate some of the spinach filling out of some spanokopitakia or something like that. My husband also ordered a salad and I had a few bites of that. I love sharing appetizers.   My husband is a very slow eater and I used to gobble my food and then have to sit there and wait while he finished eating. It took forever. Now, I'm eating more slowly and much smaller bites than him. I actually ate for an hour and didn't eat too much! What a change.Wonderful food. I only had 2 protein shakes all day so I could enjoy my meal out without guilt. Then we parked where we could walk to downtown Chicago and just walked around enjoying the crowds and the sights. I had walked in the morning for an hour, too, so got plenty of exercise.   I got called to sing on the praise team tomorrow morning so I'll be up bright and early since we practice before the early service. That's always a great start to my Sundays.   Had a granddaughter (3yrs.) demand that her dad take her over to see me, so she was over a few hrs. today. She's a stitch. Talks non-stop. Huge words. Took her to the park and was actually able to go down the slide with her. Haven't done that in a long time. Haven't been able to do that in a long time. I also climbed up a sloping set of monkey bars with railings to show her how to do it. Never thought I'd do anything like that ever again either. I also crawled through a tunnel, but that killed my fake knees.   Hope to see a few more grandchildren this weekend. My mildly autistic grandson is very dear to my heart. He's 4yrs old and I see him and his little brother (2yrs) a lot. They get so excited when they see me. Grandkids are the best therapy.   And now I can play with them better than ever. I think I'll take them to the park and go down the slides with them and climb up the monkey bars (but no tunnels.) I love the new designs for playground equipment. So cool. I'm really into this second childhood thing. Whoo hoo!   God is good, all the time, All the time, God is good.
ifyourstomachoffendsyou

ifyourstomachoffendsyou

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Goodbye, Food

:crying:Wednesday, June 10, 2009   Goodbye, food     Last night I said goodbye to food--forever. Well, not quite. But I did have to start on a low-carb, liquid diet in preparation for lap band surgery, which, the Lord willing, will happen next Thursday. Its been a long journey. I began the official process a year ago, when I'd had enough with high blood pressure, high cholesterol, borderline diabetes and constant pain from osteo-arthritis. I jumped through a lot of insurance hoops and tests to get to this point. I prayed for healing from my food cravings and I still do. Everyday is a battle with the desire to eat and eat and eat. Over time, the food has won. And I battle with what I think other people will think. How they, especially Christians, will judge me.   I've only told a few people about the surgery. Now I'm letting the world know. I believe its important for my recovery that I not hide this in a corner. Whether anyone reads this or not isn't important. My food cravings won't go away just because I can't eat much. Journaling has always helped me cope during tough times. I'm hoping it will help now, and that maybe it will help others.   A verse came to me in church last Sunday that confirmed my decision. Jesus said it in Matthew 5:29. "If your eye offends you, pluck it out." Its better to go without the eye or the hand that causes you to sin, than to keep it and endure hell (my interpretation). Hence the name of my blog: If Your Stomach Offends You, Tie It Off. It's better to go through life without much of a stomach than to live in the despair and physical destruction caused by food addiction.
 

Goodbye to food--at parties

Thursday, June 11, 2009   Goodbye to food---at parties:crying:     I have at least 5 parties to attend over the next 3 weekends and I'm going to have to attend them without having food as a crutch. I'm going to have to bring food and not eat it. I have to talk to people without relying on food to allay my social anxiety and fear of putting my foot in my mouth in one of my impulsive, ADHD moments.   I won't be able to gorge myself on foods I would never have in my home or buy for myself. That's the thing about parties. I love to go to parties because of the food, and I hate to go to parties because of the food.   At my church we're into celebrating everything, and everything involves food--delicious food and lots of it. At school people bring special treats for everything. At weekly faculty devotions, the leader is supposed to bring a treat.   If my husband and I want to do something special, we go to a cheap restaurant in order to stay within our budget. Family get togethers are dominated by food.   I really don't know how to talk to people without food smoothing the way. Alcohol has never appealed much to me--its always been food.   The food is killing me. More insidiously than alcohol or nicotine, it is still killing me. But unlike alcohol and nicotin and other addictive substances, I need it to live.   How can something that God created so good, become so evil for me?   Imagine a world that sin had never entered. Where genetic alterations that make some people prone to addiction had never happened. Where celebration never turns into debauchery--of any kind, either by choice or by uncontrollable compulsions and cravings. That's what paradise would look like, and what it will look like when Christ comes again to establish his new heaven and new earth.   Party!
 

God's Gift of Music

Friday, August 21, 2009   God's Gift of Music     I love to sing. I'm a competent singer. A good choir voice. I can hear harmonies and read harmonies. I'd never embarass myself by going on American or any other Idol. I have a lot of volume in the lower registers and I can sing soprano falsetto. This comes in handy when I sing along with Frankie Valli and the Four Seasons my "song"--Cheri baby.   I don't have a solo voice and I have absolutely no vibrato. My voice has a tendency to crack every once in a while like a teenage boy's voice, right in the middle of a note. I think I damaged my vocal chords yelling too much as a kid. I have to be very careful forcing my voice or I'll end up with a coughing fit. Yet I sing every chance I can get.   Today I went to a special choir practice and my voice really worked for me once it warmed up. I got to sing tenor which I seldom am needed to do, but its probably the best range for my voice. I can't wait for my regular church choir to get started singing. We sing twice a month and I've missed it over the summer. I'm also singing a song with a mass choir of fellow college alumni at Navy Pier in October. How cool is that!   Just think how many singers would never get an opportunity to use their voices if it weren't for church choirs and praise teams. Just think how much less music there would be in the world if it weren't for Christianity and those who celebrate their faith in song.   When I'm singing hymns and praise songs and gospel songs, I don't think about eating at all. When we do worship on Sunday morning, I am always filled with such joy and gladness, sorrow for sin, and hope for eternity. I connect with God on a very visceral level. I move with the music and my whole being comes alive with praise.   I heard some old curmudgeon say that music has become idolatry in church, that we worship the music. He's probably not very musical. I always feel like I'm most connected to God when I'm singing. Music leads and points the way to God.   Listening to incredibly beautiful voices soaring in harmony or alone can bring me to tears and I worship the one who gave us such incredible gifts. Art can do the same thing to me.   I've also written two songs, or should I say they wrote themselves and I woke up with them. Now that was a shock. Especially the first time it happened. I'm used to my husband waking up with songs and following me around the house and even into the bathroom singing them to me before I've even had a chance to clear my throat. So when I woke up with a song, I couldn't wait for him to wake up! Payback time!   Actually, that first time, I woke up with the melody and was trying to think what song it was, because I often wake up with songs in my head, and then I started hearing the harmony and after playing it for my husband on the piano, realized I'd composed it and hadn't heard it anywhere else. A few days later the words started coming. Everytime I thought I was done writing the words and would get up to clean the house, a new verse would come to me and I'd have to sit down to type it out. It was like trying to get out of the bathroom when you have the stomach flu.   The songs were praise songs. One is supposed to someday be performed by my church choir (Living Springs Community Church). The other one may be performed by the Roseland Christian School choir. The director there really likes the song.   I'm 57 years old. Writing songs was not a gift that I knew I had. To have it come out now and to have some very talented choir directors like them and work on arranging them astonished me.   God is full of surprises like that. He likes to give us good gifts. He wants to make use of our gifts. Sometimes he awakens gifts we didn't even know we had.   The second song God gave me this past spring. It's based on Phillipians 4:11-13. It's been a mainstay for me while going through lapband surgery and making the lifestyle changes to accompany it. It also plays through my head when I smell my rotten moldy basement that we won't be using for a year or two while we slowly renovate.   It plays through my head when I think of how the funding to keep me in my job might not be available next year, that the new vendor might not want to employ me. It plays through my head when I'm stuck at home all the time because we've no money to go anywhere or buy anything.   These are the words:   Don't wanna be a superstar Don't need to drive a brand new car I am content   Yes, I am content no matter what my circumstance I am content no matter what my lot. I know what it means to live in want or have plenty. I know the secret of being content Is I can do all things Through him who strengthens me. Yes, I can do all things Through him who strengthens me.   Don't need to have a mansion or wear the latest fashion I am content.   Yes, I am content, etc.
 

God Grants Grace, not Guilt

Saturday, July 4, 2009   God Grants Grace, not Guilt     I spent a lot of time yesterday and today exploring a lapband website. There's a religious forum with a page for Christians and there's a 12-step forum with a few threads for those attending OA (Overeaters Anonymous) and FAA(Food Addicts Anonymous.) After reading many of the posts I came to a not-so-surprising conclusion. Guilt and shame are a way of life for people suffering from food addiction. People seem to be heaping guilt either on themselves or on others.   Christians accuse themselves of gluttony and beat themselves up over that. Other Christians really do say horrible things to them like, "Why are you getting that surgery, why don't you just pray?" Many Christian weight loss groups can have so many rules to follow that most people are bound to fail heaping guilt upon guilt.   OA and FAA attenders get accused of taking the "easier, softer way" if they get lap band surgery for which they beat themselves up. They also suffer attacks from the food nazis who have taken over OA and FAA and and who are addicted to adding food restriction upon food restriction and enforcing rule upon rule.   Guilt and shame have a horrible history of sabotaging recovery and driving people deeper into the food (or any other addictions).   Whether you believe addictions are sin or not (I believe they are brain-based disorders, not sin, that came into this world as a result of sin and that under their influence people do commit sin), beating yourself up over them is a sure-fire path to relapse.   Serenity is extremely important in recovery and those consumed by guilt and self-blame have no serenity.   We need to break the bondage of guilt. Especially unearned guilt and shame. God gave us the gift of grace, not of guilt. I like to say I gave up guilt for Lent.   As far as the rigid rule makers and enforcers--most of these people have simply replaced one type of food obsession with another and their rigid adherance to a code is all they've got. They transfer their internal shame and need for control onto others. It's just another insidious form of this disease. They don't know grace, and hence can't grant it.   Someday, Grace will come again and banish all guilt. He will wipe away every tear from our eyes. Come quickly Lord Jesus.
 

Getting Rid of the Crap

Monday, July 27, 2009   Getting Rid of the Crap     Thought I'd give you a heads up on the topic today. In case you're squeamish. If you've ever been on the Atkins diet you know you lost weight but you probably also experienced constipation. You have to pick fibers that don't shoot up your blood sugar. I managed because I took ground flax seed and Psyllium Husk. I also found fish oil helped. Veggies and fruits are carbs and have to be limited on Atkins--especially fruit.   I've never been that fond of salads and raw veggies, and fruit is limited because of its high sugar content. Not that fruit ever helped me with a lifelong constipation problem. I could eat a lb of grapes or cherries and see no impact.   The food protocol for lap band is pretty close to the Atkins Diet. Protein first. Veggies and fruit in small quantities. Careful with the grains because they swell and stretch the stomach. Regular bread and rice can make you bp when they swell. Whole grains can be added cautiously to help control hunger after you've been on the band awhile and your stomach is healed.   So enter my old enemy, constipation. Laxatives barely help. I've added fish oil back and just a little ground flax seed. I'm scared of the Psyllium Husk because I know it expands in water. I drink my V8 everyday as well as some diet V8 Splash to get my veggies. I do have some cooked broccoli and califlower and green beans. All fruit has to be peeled and raw veggies can hurt the stomach. I eat a lot of beans (not green ones), but all they do is make me fart.   When I was a kid I was so constipated I only went 1x/wk after my big Sunday dinner. TMI, I know, but I gave you fair warning.   Excercise is supposed to help but I'm walking and hour and fifteen minutes everyday. Big meals actually used to help me move it through but I can no longe eat big meals.   I take a good multivitamin as well as calcium supplements and I get my dairy everyday, so I'm getting my nutrients.   This whole subject gives new meaning to the phrase: this too shall pass.   People do not like to be constipated. If you've ever dined in a nursing home you'll find prune juice to be a very popular item. I'd need to drink a quart.   I'm finding it hard to come up with any kind of spiritual or tool for recovery meaning to apply to this topic. Constipation is just a fact of life that you have to experiment with until you get relief, whether you've had lap band or not.   About the only metaphorical meaning I can come up with is that its important to get the crap in your life out of you. You need to do what it takes to get it moving on out or you'll end up with a sluggish brain and spirit and may actually end up with an impacted brain that's stuck on the same old ideas and ways of thinking and is not capable of changing for the better. Step 6 & 7 deal with becoming ready to have God remove all our defects of character and then humbly asking him to do so.   Work the steps, pray, read your Bible, read spiritual books, talk to people who don't look like you or think like you, journal, take some risks, go on adventures, take care of yourself, peel away another layer and reveal yourself, have fun, and don't take yourself too seriously or waste time beating yourself or other people up. Love God above all and your neighbor as yourself.
 

Food, Fun, Faith, and Family. Done Right

Sunday, August 9, 2009   Food, Fun and Family. Done Right.     Had a great time with my relatives Friday and Saturday. I think two things keep my extended family relatively close. One is faith in God, even though we have some variances in worship style and Biblical interpretation. We choose to emphasize the oneness in faith rather than the differences.   The other is our love of children. My youngest sister's kids are not yet grown, and my other siblings kids are almost grown or young singles, or married with very young children so our family reunions have never been without young children and young people.   We are tall people and noisy. Especially when the adults (and semi-adults) are playing Mafia late at night, or multi-generational whiffle ball in the early evening. Without any prompting, whenever a little kid is up at bat, things never seem to go right in the infield. Balls get dropped, throws go the wrong way, and somehow that child always makes it to first base. Those in the bleachers supervise the children of the adults in the field. Competition among the adults, however, is cutthroat. Even my 80 year old father plays.   Throughout the reunion little ones are swept off their feet and find themselves looking down on the world, often from much higher than six feet. They are loved on, tickled, played with, passed around, comforted and kept safe by many hands.   We catch up on each other's lives--the good news and the bad news. We share our faith, how God is working in our lives. Food is a constant. We never ran out at this reunion, though we did have to run out for toilet paper.   I lost three lbs. the three days before the reunion. I put 3 back on over the 2 days, some of which was from all the salt in the foods, but today I am right back on my proteinfest without any problems and am not hungry. A lot of the food was what bandsters call slider food--dips, condiments, high fat cookies and cakes with frosting and filling. These are foods that slide through the donut hole between the new pouch and the old stomach. I didn't pig out on them, but I ate them. I wasn't going to make myself miserable staring at food I couldn't have. After my fill on Tuesday it will become harder to eat these. I hope.   There is a huge difference between Dr.s and how much they fill in the band at a time. There is a difference between how long they'll make the patient wait between fills as well. I read a post from a woman today whose Dr. fills only a little and makes her wait 2 months between fills. She was ready to give up. Her husband was also giving her a hard time about "eating so little." I'm hoping my Dr. is a little more aggressive than that and I'm grateful that my husband is much more cooperative and understanding.   I look forward to our next reunion. The Lord willing, I think it'll be even easier. We only seem to do this about once a year, because we come from all over the USA. Maybe by then I'll have reached the sweet spot where the the band is just right to stop me from overeating and the lifestyle change has become automatic.   Food, fun, and family. Done right.   Two more weeks and school starts. More on that tomorrow.   God is good, all the time. All the time, God is good.
 

Food, Fat, Focus, Falls, Finances, and Floods

Saturday, November 21, 2009   Food, Fat, Focus, Falls, Finances, and Floods     Lost 2 more lbs. I'm at 178 lbs, 11 lbs from goal. I just bought a few tops that are size large. I'm aftraid by the time I reach goal they may be too loose. I bought a pair of jeans that are low cut in a size 12. They fit my butt and thighs really nice but now they're a little loose. I'm hoping they all shrink in the wash. I'm going to end up having to buy more clothes if they don't shrink. I'm going to pick up some pants my sister-in-law sent me that are size 14's. She lost weight and most pants that fit me now are 14's. The size 12 jeans only fit because they're so low cut and all the walking has really trimmed my butt and thighs   Its somewhat disconcerting to see my change in shape. I don't mean the weight loss. I mean that since the last time I was thin, my shape has changed. The combination of having had a hysterectomy and age makes you thicken at the waist and more weight goes on the upper abdomen. Makes getting pants that fit and flatter difficult.   I've started doing crunches on an abcruncher my husband picked up at a garage sale. We'll see if that helps reshape me a little. I did a hundred crunchesthis morning.   I'm still scared about maintenance. It's getting closer everyday. I've lost so many times in the past but could never maintain. It's the loss of focus once I reach goal that's part of the problem. This is a disease that will never leave me. It will never leave me alone. I'm really praying that the band will make the difference between this time and all the other times I've lost weight.   I feel so good and have so much energy. I'm really afraid of injury, especially injury from falling. In the past, injury has really sabotaged my maintenance. Herniated discs have been a major contributor. Severe unrelenting pain, the inability to move freely, bad neck, bad back, bad knees, bad shoulders, all these things have sabotaged me in the past. As I get back in shape I have to be very careful not to injure myself. But if I do, I now have a band to tide me over through physical recovery and keep me from comforting myself and medicating my pain with food.   My basement is not smelling nearly as much and that is a mood lifter for me. Repairing the damage after all the flooding has been almost beyond my ability to comprehend. Now that the drain tiles are in, I think the walls may be drying out for the first time in a long time. My husband is preparing the basement so he can spray it to kill the remaining mold on all surfaces. Then I'm going to get an electrician in to take all the extra BX that was put in and organize it into straight bundles that run along the main beam and then branch out to the light fixtures.   Once all the electric and waterpipes are secure and neat we can spray paint the rafters of the basement and all the pipes will be painted and will be less visible. After that we'll tackle the floor. It will need some scraping and perhaps some fresh concrete in certain areas. Then we'll spray paint that. Hopefully, by next summer we can put up insulation behind the wooden framework we left up and drywall over that. We need a new toilet and shower and sink and cabinets (not to mention walls) in the bathroom, and then we'll be in business.   I also hope to put in a new roof and fix its leak in the spring. My husband is going for training as a security guard and already has an offer of employment at a factory. If I still have a job next fall that is, then the extra money will help us get this place where I'll either be a lot happier living here, or I'll sell it and downsize.   Those are my plans and I can at least see an end to my house problems. There are also car problems as both our cars are aging and neither one of us is good with cars. We are very easily ripped off by mechanics. Just had a $300 repair on a car and I really needed new glasses. My insurance for glasses is very poor and I absolutely need progressives so with the eye exam, that was another $500. It never ends.   Thank God my husband has stepped up to the plate. The past 5 years his employment has been spotty and low-paying until he finally went on social security at 62. Don't let anyone tell you there's no age discrimination in this country. Security jobs are available to older men and pay $12-18/hr. He can supplement his social security or go full time for benefits if by next fall I have no job.   I am so aware that unforseen events can completely sabotage all these plans and that God may have a different idea in mind, but it helps me psychologically to have a plan and to see an end to this particular set of troubles. Looking that far ahead is difficult, but keeping in mind that, with God's help, we can get through these financial difficulties, is what sustains me.   Meanwhile I keep working on remaining content, knowing that I can do (or get through) all things through him that strengthens me--food, falls, finances, and floods.
ifyourstomachoffendsyou

ifyourstomachoffendsyou

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Food, Farts, and Footwork

Thursday, July 2, 2009   Food, Farts, and Footwork     Beans, beans, the musical fruit, the more you eat the more you toot, the more you toot, the better you feel, so eat beans at every meal.   I'm being silly. However, I am eating beans everyday-not the green kind. They're perfect for this soft food stage and high in protein with complex carbs that don't shoot up your blood sugar. So what if they make you fart.   I also had some canned salmon which I mixed with cream of mushroom soup (healthy recipe) with no added water or milk instead of mayonaisse. I heated it and added some Le Seur baby peas. Delicious. My husband put his on toast. Salmon ala king. He loved it.   I was very careful to eat according to the soft food diet, making sure I didn't drink anything for at least a half an hour before and after each meal.   I have found out that it's very easy to cheat and get more food just by adding a little liquid to the meal, making it go down the donut hole faster leaving room to eat more. I've also found that if you eat slowly enough and chew everything thoroughly you can also keep eating. I'm not supposed to eat for more than 30 minutes for a reason.   I've been doing quite well, but today I read a lot on a website for lapbanders (who call themselves bandsters) and learned some scary things about people who don't follow the protocol. Right now its the new small stomach and the swelling from putting in the lapband that's creating the feeling of fullness. Some people don't seem to feel that restriction or they make bad food choices and may actually gain weight.   The donut hole isn't that small yet. At about 6 weeks after surgery they'll inject the band with saline, expanding the donut to make the hole smaller. This will become necessary as the fat pad against which it rests begins to shrink, making the lapband looser. Some people don't start losing weight until the band has been filled several times.   That scared me enough to make me get out the diet info. again and not rely on my admittedly unreliable memory for details.   I should tell you also that my neck and lower back, hips, and shoulder are responding to going back on my anti-inflammatory as did sleeping with bolsters and pillows to reset and realign the spine while I slept. I also hung upside down on my incline board for very short periods of time to decompress my spine. Today I stayed mostly very still in a very comfortable position and did nothing to aggravate the discs.   Taking care of myself. Listening to my body and letting it heal. Making use of the medical miracles available to me whether surgery or drugs. Working with my new tummy and following not fighting protocol. Asking for prayer.   We do the footwork. We show the willingness. We leave the results in God's hands.
 

Food Addiction and Sensory Issues

Friday, July 17, 2009   Food Addiction and Sensory Issues     After I wrote yesterday's blog I started thinking about my strong preferences for spicy food and strong aversion to green peppers (not to mention raw carrots and celery.) I remember a few years back there was some buzz in the dieting community about controlling weight through scents or little drops of flavoring. Can't remember which it was but a drop was either tasted or sniffed and that was supposed to satisfy cravings.   I suspect that method backfired and sent many testees with food addiction racing to the nearest grocery store. The product never made it to the diet shelves, but I think that there may be some merit to the idea that food addicts have more sensitive taste buds.   I wondered if the fact that I crave certain tastes, smells, and textures was somehow related to being ADHD. ADHD can be closely related to sensory integration issues in people. People with sensory issues often find some things too overwhelming for their senses while craving sensory input in other areas. Their senses aren't balanced. When they crave sensory input they may try parachuting or some other highly stimulating and risky behavior. Other times they may find the presense of a lot of people and commotion overwhelming and need to get totally away from it.   I can relate to both sides of that. I love singing on praise teams, acting in skits and am quite comfortable talking with a mike in front of large groups of people. Something in me turns on. I like to hold people's attention and it's partly what makes me an effective teacher. Being on stage stimulates me, but being in a big crowd of people (unless I'm outdoors) can overwhelm me. I start feeling claustrophobic and need to get out of there. I'll go home after talking all day and listening to kids talk and then I go home and don't even want my poor husband to talk to me. I'm in recovery mode.   So it does not surprise me that I'm full of strong likes and dislikes when it comes to food. I now enjoy fish but the smell used to make me avoid it. I don't like the texture of larger shrimp, but I now eat baby shrimp. I have recently started liking nutty whole grain breads, so my tastes are changing or my sensory needs are diminishing.   I don't think you'll ever see me substituting carrots or celery for crunchy snacks. I'd rather just do without the crunchy snacks. In fact, you won't hardly every see me eating raw vegetables. I much prefer them cooked. And if you're going to cook them, cook them long enough to be able to get a fork in them. I hate it when my fork bounces off the cooked vegetables. I mean, why did anyone bother turning on the stove?   I'm watching the salt now because of my blood pressure but I think dieticians absolutely have it wrong when they say cook it without salt and add the salt later. If you don't cook with the salt the flavor doesn't get into the food and you end up adding more and more salt to try to get it there.   So where am I going with this? I think it could be that people with strong food cravings may be seeking sensory input. They may eat the things they know they're supposed to eat but then they go looking for the food they really were craving and don't stop eating it until that sensory issue is met. Diets fail because diet food doesn't provide the sensory input food addicts crave, and they frequently try to force food addicts to eat food they abhor just because its "good for them"   I'm glad I've got the band because if I get carried away be a craving, the band will tell me when I've satisfied the craving and give my brain time to catch up and acknowledge it. I believe it takes the brain 20 minutes to recognize satiety which is why people can continue eating even after being full. My band won't let me do that, especiallly if I'm filling it with protein first.   So what do I do about the sensory issues? I think excersize can be a big part of meeting those needs. Currently my arthitis is limiting me to walking, but at least its summer and I can walk outside and get the extra stimulation provided by the elements of sun, fresh air, green plants and trees, flowers, and nice scenery.   Playing games on Facebook at night, checking the lapbandtalk website, and blogging give me mental stimulation and keep my hands busy. I may have to invest in a Wii. I think I could get into that.   With our economic situation I'm pretty much reduced to what I can do at home or visiting grandchildren, but, as grandma, I don't have to clean their house or cook their food or do their laundry. I can go out and sit in the sandbox and build sand castles or take them for a walk to the park or to visit the "neigh-neighs" (horses.) I can wade in the pool with them and get into water fights. I can help them blow bubbles. I can get all the hugs and kisses I want. Talk about sensory input.   And let's not forget singing and dancing before the Lord. I can always do more of that.
 

Focus and Food

Wednesday, November 11, 2009   Focus and Food     I'm sick of Facebook, Mafia Wars, Farmtown, e-mail, etc. They were great for a long time because they kept me busy instead of eating. But they've lost their ability to hold my attention. All my creative energy and attention are going into my teaching. I come home and I want to do something fun, but there's nothing fun to do.   TV shows can start out interesting but eventually I lose interest. The characters start behaving so foolishly and sabotaging themselves so badly I can't deep watching. I lose interest. The plots become thinner. They follow the same basic pattern each time. It would be interesting to see House figure out what's wrong with someone right away, but then I guess there'd be no suspense.   The undermining power of ADHD when it comes to sustaining attention to something I'm really interested in or devoted to or need to stick with is unbelievable. I'm struggling to keep posting because I can't focus on it anymore. But I also want to stay focused not just on continuing to lose, but on maintenance, and it scares me that, once again, as in my past, I'll lose my focus and I won't be able to maintain.   I am down to 180. My 16 pants and XL shirts are getting pretty loose on me. I actually purchased a size 12 pair of jeans that fit me. I've got 13 lbs to goal. The weight is dropping slower. Sometimes I can feel my band limiting me and sometimes I can't.On the other hand I'm walking for an hour almost every day and I figure I'm covering at least 3 miles, closer to 4.   Tonight I had some Long John Silver's fish and chicken. Removed most of the breading. Didn't taste too good without it and I pb'd a little. Wasn't much meat left under the breading. I was quickly hungry later. I hate it when the food I eat doesn't satisfy me physically or tastefully. I hate to waste the little I eat on unsatisfying food.   I've been posting on FB almost every day the things I'm thankful for. I think its helping with my food. Its the idea of a gratitude list. Where your focus is, there your mind and body will follow. I'm also learning choir music and listening to that to and from work. I'm singing every other Sunday and so have wonderful songs going through my head day and night. (I wake up with music going through my head and it keeps playing through my head throughout the day.   I'm going to my sister's for Thanksgiving. She lives in Tennessee. Even in November it's beautiful around her house. All the hills and vistas. Her home is also beautiful and very peaceful. I'm actually not going to be with any family other than hers. I think I've only ever been to her house once without my kids or my parents or even more extended family.   I'm trying to start to fill my life with things that make me feel good. I actually am taking a personal day to travel to Tennessee. I've joined a new community group at church that I'm finding quite stimulating. I'm working extra time at work because I really do love teaching kids.   There are so many things I'm not good at. But I am good at teaching kids. I go into a different zone when I'm teaching. I'm focused, hyperfocused really, on getting into that child's brain and getting them to understand and remember what I'm trying to teach them. When I'm teaching I don't think about food.   That tells me whenever I'm focused on a task I love, when I'm doing things that take care of me and make me happy, my cravings go way down. Walking as soon as I get home from work makes me feel good. And the endorphins it releases tend to help me get through the night without overeating or craving.   If I go back to school next semester that will also give me brain stimulation. I've always loved listening to really good professors. I like the give and take of the classroom. I hate reading textbooks. I'm not sure I have the eyes or the focus for that anymore. I don't mind writing papers but I hate research, bibliographies and footnotes, though I've been told you can find programs on the internet that will put them together for you. I'm great at original thinking but I hate cobbling together other people's research to support what I'm saying. I read about studies, I don't read studies. If you've ever struggled through a research study you'll know what I'm talking about. Most boring reading in the world.   As usual, procrastination is keeping me from exploring and enrolling for next semester. I have all kinds of trouble actually believing I might not be teaching at Roseland next year. I'm so good at what I do. My room is set up so perfectly. I work so well with my assistant. She does everything I hate doing and am not good at. I'm left free to do what I do so well. Teach. I've built a relationship over time with so many of my students. It's part of what makes me so effective with them.   Everytime a child "gets" it, I feel so good. That usually only happens over time. And I've had years of time with most of these kids. I really love my job. The thought of losing it makes me even more aware of how much I love it. Yes it can be stressful, but its good stress. There are always challenges that trigger my creativity and when I'm creative, I focus and I'm happy. And that helps me not eat.   Lord, Roseland needs you, I need you, I need my students, they need me. Please work it out. But if there's another plan you have for me, make me ready. Give me a clue. Use my gifts, and my weaknesses to do your will.
ifyourstomachoffendsyou

ifyourstomachoffendsyou

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Fighting the Good Fight!

Monday, August 17, 2009   Fighting the Good Fight     I need another fill. First one didn't do squat. I called Doc's office and they weren't going to schedule me till end of Sept. for another one, which is my surgeon's first available, till I spoke up for myself. It doesn't have to be my Dr. It wasn't my Dr. the last time. I just asked the nurse if they were going to leave me hanging by my fingernails again and they moved it up 4 weeks. Amazing. Now just pray my insurance company will get the referral for the fill approved and done right away.   I was so surprised to have no restriction after the first fill last Tuesday. I tried eating just meat to see how much I could eat. I stopped at half a pound of hamburger. I should definitely have felt restriction but I could have kept on eating. So I'm doing my modified Atkins to keep losing (and limiting portions) but I'm getting no help from my band.   It's only by the grace of God, writing this blog, and the support of my fellow bandsters that I'm doing so well. I go to my regular Doc on Weds. Going in for bloodwork tomorrow. Hoping for a good report on my cholesterol, blood pressure and sugar. I'm off 3 medicines. Woo hoo. I'd like to drop another pill soon.   Two more lbs. to half-way (35 lbs) and 5 more to onederland.   I think I can, I think I can, I think I can.   I found an old outfit that I like in my closet that fit. It'll be great for teaching. I've been going to thrift stores and buying things that are a little too small. I'm back in an XL but hopefully won't be for long.   I've got a high school class reunion and a college reunion in October that I'm actually looking forward to attending. They might actually recognize me without some of the extra fat.     My life is getting busy preparing for school to start August 26th. Got two inservices this week at Roseland Christian School. I also have a meeting with the vendor who provides my services, Elim Christian School, and my co-workers there who work at other Christian schools providing academic support.   Pray for Roseland Christian School. They need forty more students to enroll to meet their already greatly reduced projected budget. They also need donors who will ignore their fear of the recession and step up to the plate to help us get through this tough time. For my school, its all about bringing justice in education to a community that hasn't had much of that. Not just that. This is quality Christian education. This school is celebrating 125 years in the Roseland community on the south side of Chicago. They did not run away when the community changed ethnicity. They deserve to be there 125 more years should the Lord delay his coming.   This school is my passion. Teaching these students is my calling. They're part of the reason I got the lapband. I'm not yet ready to quit. Last year one of our graduates (and the daughter of one of our teachers) was shot in the shoulder on her way to the grocery store-one block from our school. The year before one of our graduates jumped in front of a girl about to be shot by her former boyfriend on a city bus. He was killed. We also have alumni who are pastors, lawyers, comedians, and entrepreneurs. Our students face unbelievable odds when they leave the safety of our halls. RCS makes a difference. I make a difference. Pray that we can keep it up.   I want to be able to say with Paul at the end of my life: I have fought the good fight, I have finished the race, I have kept the faith. Now there is in store for me the crown of righteousness, which the Lord, the righteous Judge, will award to me on that day--and not only to me, but also to all who have longed for his appearing. II Timothy 4:7,8     This is a link to a website that shows some powerful videos of who RCS is and what it does. I'm in the video Testimony of a Student. The video Testimony of a Teacher is also very powerful. Don't watch these videos if you don't like being lifted up and moved to tears.   http://wearercs.com/
 

Exercise and a Balanced Life

Monday, January 11, 2010   Exercise and a Balanced Life     Exercise--there comes a point of dimishing returns with exercise. I had to make a decision how much of my life and energy I want to put into it. My blood pressure and pulse are excellent. My muscles are in good shape, my coordination has improved dramatically, I'm only going to try and lose a few more lbs, and I have a life.   I'm looking for balance in this area because its so easy for me to make an addiction out of exercise like I did with the food. I've done it before. It's ultra time-consuming and begins to rule my life. I don't want to go there anymore than I want to get back into the food.   I exercise between 30-60 minutes most days with 2 days off per week. Sometimes I'll walk longer on Saturdays, but during the winter that's enough. Summers I like to hike longer outdoors, but that's as much for pleasure as exercise as I enjoy being outdoors so much.   I'm not going to aggravate my arthritis working out much more than that. I'm not exercising that much more time than I did before weight loss; I've always walked as much as possible. Its just that I've added stair-climbing at work after I lost most of the weight, so I get a more intense workout. I'm also walking much faster and farther in the alotted time.   I think everyone's different and has to take into consideration where they're at physically and what their available time is. Actually, I think my weight loss has slowed down despite the increased intensity of the exercise because I'm replacing fat with muscle which weighs more. But my body is definitely still reshaping.   I'm really happy with my physical body. Not with the drooping wrinkled skin, but can't do anything about that. I'm just happy with how I look in clothes. I'm 5'9", 170 lbs, my pants are 12's and my tops are L's. That's normal. More normal than I ever hoped to be again.   My goal is to stay normal (not talking psychologically, LOL). I don't need to be skinny. I want to have a life with my grandchildren and children and be able to work to the best of my ability and have fun and be healthy.   I'm amazed at simple things like finding easier ways to get up from the ground. It was very difficult with two fake knees and its still not easy. Kneeling is extremely uncomfortable and with all the weight, gettting up from my butt meant I had to roll onto my knees, then push my butt up in the air and walk my feet towards my hands before full lift-off. Now I can roll onto my side while bringing one knee up and continue right into standing up without having to kneel first. Still a little awkward but getting better.   Being able to break my fall Saturday night and land like an athlete lands, without injury, that was incredible. These are the little things that make me happy. I still have to watch how I move, and how hard I move. It's very easy for me to over-extend or overwork my joints and spine and risk further injury. So I've learned the hard way to be careful with exercise and to be content with what I can do.   I am content, no matter what my circumstance. I am content, no matter what my lot. I know what it means to live in want or have plenty I know the meaning of being content, Is that I can do all things, through him that strengthens me. Yes I can do all things, through him that strengthens me.
ifyourstomachoffendsyou

ifyourstomachoffendsyou

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