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Fighting the Good Fight!

Monday, August 17, 2009   Fighting the Good Fight     I need another fill. First one didn't do squat. I called Doc's office and they weren't going to schedule me till end of Sept. for another one, which is my surgeon's first available, till I spoke up for myself. It doesn't have to be my Dr. It wasn't my Dr. the last time. I just asked the nurse if they were going to leave me hanging by my fingernails again and they moved it up 4 weeks. Amazing. Now just pray my insurance company will get the referral for the fill approved and done right away.   I was so surprised to have no restriction after the first fill last Tuesday. I tried eating just meat to see how much I could eat. I stopped at half a pound of hamburger. I should definitely have felt restriction but I could have kept on eating. So I'm doing my modified Atkins to keep losing (and limiting portions) but I'm getting no help from my band.   It's only by the grace of God, writing this blog, and the support of my fellow bandsters that I'm doing so well. I go to my regular Doc on Weds. Going in for bloodwork tomorrow. Hoping for a good report on my cholesterol, blood pressure and sugar. I'm off 3 medicines. Woo hoo. I'd like to drop another pill soon.   Two more lbs. to half-way (35 lbs) and 5 more to onederland.   I think I can, I think I can, I think I can.   I found an old outfit that I like in my closet that fit. It'll be great for teaching. I've been going to thrift stores and buying things that are a little too small. I'm back in an XL but hopefully won't be for long.   I've got a high school class reunion and a college reunion in October that I'm actually looking forward to attending. They might actually recognize me without some of the extra fat.     My life is getting busy preparing for school to start August 26th. Got two inservices this week at Roseland Christian School. I also have a meeting with the vendor who provides my services, Elim Christian School, and my co-workers there who work at other Christian schools providing academic support.   Pray for Roseland Christian School. They need forty more students to enroll to meet their already greatly reduced projected budget. They also need donors who will ignore their fear of the recession and step up to the plate to help us get through this tough time. For my school, its all about bringing justice in education to a community that hasn't had much of that. Not just that. This is quality Christian education. This school is celebrating 125 years in the Roseland community on the south side of Chicago. They did not run away when the community changed ethnicity. They deserve to be there 125 more years should the Lord delay his coming.   This school is my passion. Teaching these students is my calling. They're part of the reason I got the lapband. I'm not yet ready to quit. Last year one of our graduates (and the daughter of one of our teachers) was shot in the shoulder on her way to the grocery store-one block from our school. The year before one of our graduates jumped in front of a girl about to be shot by her former boyfriend on a city bus. He was killed. We also have alumni who are pastors, lawyers, comedians, and entrepreneurs. Our students face unbelievable odds when they leave the safety of our halls. RCS makes a difference. I make a difference. Pray that we can keep it up.   I want to be able to say with Paul at the end of my life: I have fought the good fight, I have finished the race, I have kept the faith. Now there is in store for me the crown of righteousness, which the Lord, the righteous Judge, will award to me on that day--and not only to me, but also to all who have longed for his appearing. II Timothy 4:7,8     This is a link to a website that shows some powerful videos of who RCS is and what it does. I'm in the video Testimony of a Student. The video Testimony of a Teacher is also very powerful. Don't watch these videos if you don't like being lifted up and moved to tears.   http://wearercs.com/
 

Routines and Relapses

Saturday, August 15, 2009   Routines and Relapses     Routine is a bandsters frenemy. I've noted in the past couple of posts that the lack of routine in my summer has led to my ADHD having a field day resulting in dead batteries and tickets. On the other hand, Ive written two children's stories and this is my 60th post (I think). I also came up with some good ideas for my school that are being implemented.   Routine makes me a better driver. Lack of routine can help release my creativity. Safety and and comfort vs. creative unpredictability.   It isn't just ADHD people who respond to routines. Food addicts develop all kinds of routines to help them manage their addiction. Diets have always been routines we're intent on following, hoping to make the weight loss permanant. Eating at certain times, having meals pre-planned and ready-to-go, having contingency plans (like having a supply of "legal" foods at work if we forget a lunch), knowing which restaurants work well for us, these are all examples of routines that help us stay on track with our food.   We are also fond of routine at work and home. A bad hair day can make us late for work making us rush all day and make mistakes we would not have made if we'd had the time to set up our day properly. Upsetting the apple cart at work or at home can upset our emotions which can upset our food. Sometimes our failsafes fail (happens to me frequently), and we're cast into the insanity of spontaneity and having to make choices. This is when even the most successful bandsters can (temporarily) get caught up in making their old, comforting food choices.   It seems that even those who get to the sweet spot (when their band is filled just right and healthy choices are almost automatic), can end up eating when their life is in upheaval. Often it isn't any one major disturbance, its usually a bunch of little things piled on top of each other. Emotionally, we're at our wits end and only food can soothe our jangled nerves.   For people with no addiction, this may seem like no big deal. Everybody has those days (especially at if you're PMSing). Most people go right back to normal food intake.   But an episode like this can send a food addict off and eating. They feel like they've blown it so they might as well keep eating and then the guilt and shame over that drives them to keep on medicating with food.   Good grief! What a vicious cycle!   I've seen several people on lapbandtalk start to get caught up in this cycle. What seems normal to most people, to them feels like a relapse. And maybe it is. But those who get out of the cycle and back on track seem to recognize that the food served a purpose by relieving what is often extreme anxiety. Now they can and do get back on track.   I think having the lapband gives them the confidence to do that.   It would be great if we could get to the point where an occasional overindulgence didn't send us into a panic. Our fear of our own food addiction actually feeds our food addiction.   That's why non-shaming support groups are so important. We can not only talk about the food we got into, but also the disruptions in our lives and the emotional upheavals that triggered the binge. We reassure each other that we are not bad because we binged. The food served its purpose and now we can get back on track.   Each time, hopefully, the binges will be less traumatic, less extensive and eventually less frequent.   Support groups are the way God picks us up, hugs us, croons "I know," sets us back on our feet, pats us on the butt and says, "Now go get 'em, tiger."
 

Unwrapping the Mummy

Friday, August 14, 2009   Unwrapping the Mummy     I don't know how many of you are on Facebook, but people write random things that are happening in their lives, or observations about their lives. Very seldom does anyone write anything profound. Many people seldom post but just read everything everyone else writes.   I have some people as friends whom I don't know well at all and a few who I'm not quite sure how I became "friends" with them in the first place. I have a lot of people who play the same games as I do and I keep them in a separate group and seldom look at their posts. But among those whose posts I check there are some who trouble me.   What troubles me is some blatent codependency that almost screams from some of their posts. Pain and anger, ongoing victimization, resentment, and no clue how to deal effectively with the people who anger them.   Like I've stated before, everyone is codependent. If we don't really want to please others or help them, we're most likely sociopaths. But for some people, this desire is over the top. It was for me. As someone from a highly religious family I was groomed to be codependent. It was the woman's role. As someone with ADHD, a disorganized dreamer who couldn't keep a house neat or follow a complex recipe, I frequently failed in the housewife/mother role that I was raised to do, or thought I failed. Especially with a highly critical husband who thought I should be making up for his ADHD.   But man I tried so hard--tried so hard to be organized, to keep a clean house, to cook good meals, to keep everyone on schedule. And so much of it was done to try to please my ex and control his behavior towards me, and eventually his drinking, and to please my children, who, as we all know, will take that kind of ball and run with it.   And I ate. I ate to control the ADHD, yes, but I also ate to comfort myself and compensate myself for trying to be someone I was not. I'm sure that, just as my Facebook acquaintances anger and sense of victimization comes out in their posts, so did mine. There was no Facebook yet, but I know that when I talked to my friends, it came out. Many of them came from similar situations and had similar gripes.   Thank God for Alanon and for counseling where I learned to ignore so much of my husband's criticism, and to go ahead and do what I wanted to do and what I needed to do without his approval. That may have partly led to the divorce, since I was no longer wrapped up in trying to please.   And that was a good thing. It was a horrible experience but ultimately good for me. I learned how to give tough love in the years before, during, and after the divorce; and that's partly why I'm so successful as a teacher.   Codependency and food addiction are very much intertwined. When you are a people-pleaser you give away your integrity. You're not held together at the center with a strong sense of who and whose you are; so you give pieces of yourself away to everyone. People-pleasing becomes your identity. What's amazing is that you think you're doing God's will. And you expect the people around you to appreciate you. Instead, you're damaging the people around you and they don't appreciate it at all. And you've lost the person God created you to be.   You insulate your emotions with food because if the anger and hurt and resentment ever came fully to the surface, you feel like you'd fragment into a thousand shards. You wrap the fat around yourself like a giant bandage as well as a cushion to hold yourself together and protect yourself from the assaults of those you love the most.   So, I'm finally ready to unwrap the mummy and remove those bandages. I've done it before, but in the past when I've gotten to the end of the bandages, I would just roll myself right back up in them. Maybe I just felt too raw and naked without their protection.   Since I am not currently medicating myself with food, it does not surprise me that my ADHD is having a heyday. But emotionally and spiritually, I actually feel strong. Exposing myself to a wide audience through this blog, deliberately making myself vulnerable, letting everyone know this is who I am, these are my foibles, these are my assets, this is what I struggle with, has given me armor.   This gives me integrity. This gives me that strong center of knowing who I am and whose I am. And I know that if God be for me, who can stand against me.
 

Another Ticket! ADHD Strikes Again

Thursday, August 13, 2009   Another Ticket! ADHD Strikes Again.     I am so sick of ADHD. All of a sudden I'm leaving my lights on in my car. I always drive with my lights on, day or night, and automatically turn them off when I park. I know people see me easier if my lights are on plus I got sick of forgetting to turn my lights on as it turned dusk while I was driving. Doing it all the time made it part of my routine. But this summer, the lapband thing (including this blog) has taken over my mind. So has Facebook.   I haven't been driving as much because I'm not teaching, I can't go shopping or places that cost money because I have no money--at least no extra money. So I'm out of my routine, and have developed a new passion that appears to have hijacked my remaining brain cells--at least the ones that involve driving.   So far I've been in an accident that got me a ticket, my grandson asked me why the lights were on after we exited the car, some kind neighbors of the school where I work knocked on the door to tell me my lights were on, and I didn't turn the lights all the way off when I went to Borders to read for an afternoon, and had to call my husband to come jump the car. Twice this week I found myself driving south down 394 to my daughter's when that wasn't where I was going. Today, I didn't notice the Do Not Park signs on the trees at work.They post these when the street cleaner is coming by and I got a parking ticket. Aargh! I'm going broke(er)! I need school to start to get me into a routine so my brain starts functioning again.   So I'm cutting back on some of the sites I've been visiting. I've cut back on Facebook. I'm actually getting at this blog and finishing it at a reasonable time and going to bed at a reasonable time. Next week I'll be at school several days to get my room ready and attend inservices. The following week school starts on the 26th.   I was at school today with my assistant working on the room as well. While I was there I met with a parent. School is slowly taking over my brain again. You'll probably start getting teaching stories from me now.   But one thing remains formost--managing my eating disorder. Its not gone. Its lurking. The band makes it manageable. School will bring its own complications. But I will be back in a routine. Routines really help ADHD people. Till they forget their routines and forget to turn their lights off on their cars.   I'm trying to establish a food routine. But I am very aware that it doesn't take much for a change in cirumstance to destroy a routine I've had for years--turning my lights on after I start the car, and turning them off immediately after shutting off the engine.   But I can do all things, Through him who strengthens me.   I'm in his hands, no matter what my lot, no matter what my circumstance. I can get through the good stuff, I can get through the bad stuff.   I know the secret to being content is knowing he'll give me the strength to get through multiple ADHD moments, tickets, potential job loss, good food days, and bad food days. I got a ticket today. I didn't overeat.
 

Living With Uncertainty

Wednesday, August 12, 2009   Living With Uncertainty     I am gearing myself up for a possible job change. I was hoping to be able to not have any changes in my job or the way I do things, but that may not be possible. My school is having financial difficulties, which, if they survive the next year or two, could be a turning point for the school. If they survive.   My services as a supplemental instructor for reading and math are paid for by No Child Left Behind. I actually work for a vendor who is paid for by Chicago Public Schools. Next year the system will totally change. CPS is hiring a vendor to provide services to all the private and parochial schools. They do not have to hire me. My school will have to lobby hard to keep me but there's no guarantee.   So, I'm going to have to polish up a resume, just in case. Even worse, I think I'm going to have to start taking more post graduate classes and get a reading specialist endorsement on my certificate or a master's degree. Neither of which will make me a better teacher.   I'm not into titles or initials behind my name. I have no desire to take any more classes ever again in my life. I like seminars and training in things that interest me and I know will help me be a more effective teacher in an area in which I feel I need refreshing or am not accomplishing my goals.   My ADHD makes the thought of having to focus my attention on a boring textbook, or a boring professor, or having to write in a formulaic style and deal with footnotes and bibliographies in this crazy information inflated technobabble world, a nightmare.   I'm scared and I'm mad. I'm 57. Teaching is not easy. Especially at-risk kids with academic needs on the South Side of Chicago. This economy bites. My husband took early retirement when he could no longer get employment. I was hoping he would keep working and I would retire at 62.   Ain't gonna happen. According to my brother in today's world we all have to think as if we were 10 years younger than what we are. Hard to do when R&R for me does not mean rest and relaxation, it means repairs and replacements.   I've gone through major surgery on my neck to relieve pressure on two herniated discs and restore function to my right side. I still have considerable trouble with my neck. I've had shoulder repair, double knee replacements,, and a hysterectomy to stop me from bleeding to death.   And now I've had lap-band surgery. Compared to my other surgeries it was relatively minor. But its impact is just a great. I thought my co-morbidities combined with my osteo-arthritis were going to force me to go on disability possibly even before the age of 62. Now, I think I may choose to go into another field rather than try to keep teaching till the age of 67 when I'll be able to collect Social Security. But I do think my body will be able to keep working (although I'm not so sure about my mind.)   I don't know where God is leading me. So far he's taken very good care of me. I have to trust him to lead me in the right direction with my job.     I am content no matter what my circumstance, I am content no matter what my lot I know what it means to live in want or have plenty, I know the the meaning of being content. Is I can do all things through him who strengthens me. Yes I can do all things through him who strengthens me.
 

In His Time (first fill)

Tuesday, August 11, 2009   In His Time     Today I had my lapband fill. It was a fascinating experience. All the people waiting for a fill chatted about their experiences in the waiting room. One by one we were called into a room where we laid down under a floroscope. When my turn came, the Dr. looked for my incision, swabbed the area, and felt for the port. He took this cool device invented by someone at UIC (waiting broader distribution) pressed it to my stomach. It let out a poof of air and injected lidocaine without needles and without pain over the area. Its so cool. Its used before IV's are inserted, before shots are given, before surface cuts are stitched.   After the lidocaine the doctor inserts a needle through which the solution can be injected into the band. He had no trouble finding the port. I could feel the band puff up. Then I had to start drinking the barium drink. He watched the barium go through and adjusted the fill accordingly. When he was satisfied it was just right I was helped down and was done.   Except the picture from the floroscope was still there. So I asked him to explain it. He showed me the esophagus with the new pouch at it's base, barely wider than the esophagus. He showed me the shadow of the band and how narrow the opening was to let the barium through to the old stomach. I could see the squirts of barium curling into the old stomach. Pretty actually.   I was amazed at how small the opening between the stomachs was. Its obvious I'm not going to be able to get much through that narrow tunnel. I'm going to really have to take tiny bites and chew things to death. Today and tomorrow I'm just having liquids and then I'll be adding solids.   This Dr. was not my surgeon. He handled patients from all the surgeons. This was his specialty and he was running an assembly line.   Not everyone is so blessed. Some have surgeons who do the fill themselves and can't find the port and refuse to use floroscopes or don't have them available. That makes it hard to get the fill just right. So they inject minute amounts at a time so that it takes months and months before the patient begins to feel restriction. Its almost like torture for these desperate patients.   I'm really blessed to have been sent by my HMO to a top notch facility and doctors. I'm glad I've found such a good support group on lapbandtalk. I"m glad I spent so many years learning about addiction, ADHD, and eating disorders. I'm glad for my experience in Alanon, and OA, and group and individual therapy. My chances of success with the lapband are pretty good because of the self-knowledge I gained as well as the great support I have from my providers and other bandsters.   I really feel good about getting the band. I have this sense of peace about it, and this feeling that I'm being blessed through it--not just with weight loss. I've never before pulled all the threads of my disease out of the woven fabric they'd created in my life and examined them and the pattern they'd created all in one place.   Getting the band, seeing all these threads, and recording how they're intertwined has given me enormous relief. I rejected shame and its power over me. The power to make me feel paralyzed to do anything about my eating disorder. I took a powerful step when I decided to get the band and jumped through all the hoops I needed to jump through to qualify for the band. I stuck to it for over a year.   For an ADHD person, that was a major undertaking. I actually gained a few pounds in order to have a high enough BMI which, combined with my co-morbidities, qualified me for the surgery. Then I had to lose that weight and keep it off as part of my requirement. I had to attend eight months of nutrition classes where I knew more of the answers than anyone but the nutritionist. I had to deal with the insurance company and liase between them, my regular Dr. and clinic, and UIC. Details like that drive me pretty crazy, but I did it.   I took back the power this disease took away from me. I think it all happened in God's time. All the other things I've been through and dealt with have led to this time when an effective tool has been made available at a time when I actually have the time to deal with the disease.   Summer school was canceled freeing me up to have the June surgery with the rest of the summer to deal with recovery. I had the time to write this blog. I had the time to explore lapbandtalk. I had the time to start to heal some of my physical limitations, figuiring out how to use the incline board to relieve the pressure in my neck that was limiting my ability to walk any distance. (It was also making it more and more difficult to teach.) I can now swing my arms while I walk and do not experience burning neck pain while walking.   I believe I was sent to the right doctor, at the right hospital, for the most helpful tool, at exactly the right time.   I don't have any doubt who was behind all that.
 

Food, Fun, Faith, and Family. Done Right

Sunday, August 9, 2009   Food, Fun and Family. Done Right.     Had a great time with my relatives Friday and Saturday. I think two things keep my extended family relatively close. One is faith in God, even though we have some variances in worship style and Biblical interpretation. We choose to emphasize the oneness in faith rather than the differences.   The other is our love of children. My youngest sister's kids are not yet grown, and my other siblings kids are almost grown or young singles, or married with very young children so our family reunions have never been without young children and young people.   We are tall people and noisy. Especially when the adults (and semi-adults) are playing Mafia late at night, or multi-generational whiffle ball in the early evening. Without any prompting, whenever a little kid is up at bat, things never seem to go right in the infield. Balls get dropped, throws go the wrong way, and somehow that child always makes it to first base. Those in the bleachers supervise the children of the adults in the field. Competition among the adults, however, is cutthroat. Even my 80 year old father plays.   Throughout the reunion little ones are swept off their feet and find themselves looking down on the world, often from much higher than six feet. They are loved on, tickled, played with, passed around, comforted and kept safe by many hands.   We catch up on each other's lives--the good news and the bad news. We share our faith, how God is working in our lives. Food is a constant. We never ran out at this reunion, though we did have to run out for toilet paper.   I lost three lbs. the three days before the reunion. I put 3 back on over the 2 days, some of which was from all the salt in the foods, but today I am right back on my proteinfest without any problems and am not hungry. A lot of the food was what bandsters call slider food--dips, condiments, high fat cookies and cakes with frosting and filling. These are foods that slide through the donut hole between the new pouch and the old stomach. I didn't pig out on them, but I ate them. I wasn't going to make myself miserable staring at food I couldn't have. After my fill on Tuesday it will become harder to eat these. I hope.   There is a huge difference between Dr.s and how much they fill in the band at a time. There is a difference between how long they'll make the patient wait between fills as well. I read a post from a woman today whose Dr. fills only a little and makes her wait 2 months between fills. She was ready to give up. Her husband was also giving her a hard time about "eating so little." I'm hoping my Dr. is a little more aggressive than that and I'm grateful that my husband is much more cooperative and understanding.   I look forward to our next reunion. The Lord willing, I think it'll be even easier. We only seem to do this about once a year, because we come from all over the USA. Maybe by then I'll have reached the sweet spot where the the band is just right to stop me from overeating and the lifestyle change has become automatic.   Food, fun, and family. Done right.   Two more weeks and school starts. More on that tomorrow.   God is good, all the time. All the time, God is good.
 

A Relative Thing

Thursday, August 6, 2009   A Relative Thing     I'm going to be with my brothers and sisters, mom and dad, and other assorted relatives over the next few days. I'm looking forward to it. It was one of those spontaneous get-togethers my family does, a couple relatives going to be in the area, so a few others decided to come, too.   I've been doing a high protein very low carb diet for 3 days in order to jumpstart my weightloss. I'd stalled while waiting for my first fill in my band (Aug. 11). I wasn't gaining and was losing very slowly but I wanted to see if I could feel any restriction from my band and eating mostly meat is supposed to do that. It did. I had to eat the meat very slowly and even stop for a few minutes in order to be able to continue eating a decent quantity.   I wanted to feel free to not worry about the food while with my relatives. The band will still give me some restriction; I've dropped a few more pounds, and varying my food actually keeps me from getting bored or feeling deprived. I'll keep protein first, but allow myself a little of this and a little of that and not feel guilty. My plan is to go back on the high protein afterwards until my fill on the 11th. I suspect I won't have to worry about restriction for a while after that. All I'll have to do to feel restriction will be to go on an almost all meat diet for a few days. I love meat but I can't ever pig out on it again.   It'll be interesting to see what it'll be like to not be totally about the food while around my family. Its supposed to thunderstorm so we'll all be indoors together in a relatively small cottage and I won't have food to protect me. I will have grandchildren there and as I talked about yesterday, they can keep me totally occupied. I frequently spell their various parents and take over watching one or two of them so my kids can mingle with their cousins.   Today I took care of my two grandsons. I spent 4 hours putting together the wooden Thomas railroad for Joshua and a complex geotrax train system for David while Joshua slept. David and I played trains for a long time. I showed him how to switch tracks to not always successfully avoid collisions between our two trains. I was sore from bending over the tracks for so long but I was so completely absorbed in creating the system that I had no trouble not eating.   That's what I need to do for the next couple of days--become so completely absorbed in the people around me that I don't even think about eating. It's part of developing that mindfulness and choosing to be present that food insulated me from in the past.   I won't be posting the next couple nights unless an issue comes up that I really need to deal with.   The Lord watch between me and thee while I am gone. I have no idea where I heard that, I think its Irish, and I think its cool.
 

Second Childhood

Wednesday, August 5, 2009   Second Childhood     I want to be like a little kid. When I go babysit my grandkids I'm totally there to play with them. I'm not there to clean the house or do the dishes or cook. Its not that I don't heat up food and serve it and, of course, I change dirty diapers, but mostly I just want to play.   I may read books, sing nursery rhymes, bounce them on my knee while singing Yankee Doodle Dandy, walk around the block, tickle, wrestle, dance, or pretend.   Pretending is great fun. My four-year old grandson, David, made up the game "baby bird." I lay on the bed with my knees up and he crawls under my knees and pretends to hatch from an egg. His little brother tries to do the same thing. We do this many times before they get tired of it.   Then David reaches up and pulls the string to turn off the light above the bed and we all pretend its night. They both crawl under the covers next to me and I start to snore. Then David sneaks out from under the covers, turns the light back on, and crows like a rooster to wake me up. I startle awake and he laughs everytime.   Lately, when we go for walks, he wants me to pretend to be "that mean lady." He tells me to be cross. He means Cruella DeVille. Then we go around the block and I order him to steal Dalmatian puppies. He goes and finds a "puppy" and puts it in a "cage" behind the bulldozer he's driving.   When I'm with my three-year old granddaughter, Skyler, the first thing she does is tell me, "You want to make a castle with me. Let's go get the blocks." This is not a request. She also looks for the presents I've given her so we can play with those. One year old Leah wants me to read to her. She likes the wierd voices I use. She loves to point to pictures and show off all the words she knows.   Without grandkids, I wouldn't sit in sandboxes and build sandcastles. I wouldn't wade in little pools. I wouldn't squirt with the hose. I wouldn't chase the kids through splash pads at the park. I wouldn't push them on swings and bounce them on teeter-totters. I wouldn't sit in the bathroom and let them play in the tub as long as they want.   I have patiently put together intricate railroad systems and built log cabins and cool castles only to watch them get destroyed in less than 5 seconds. And then I do it over again.   I'm never in a hurry or rush them through things. I am totally in the moment with them.   You know, I never eat or think about food while I'm actually playing with my grandkids. When they watch TV its a different story, but I have really made it a point now to do things with them and basically they make sure I do. I'm better than TV.   Arthritis limits me to a certain extent as did the weight, but now that I've lost 30 lbs I'm having more fun than ever with my grandkids.   Fun. Play. Dance. Laugh. These are all much better things to do than eat.   Jesus said you have to have the faith of a little child to enter into his Kingdom. He said the Kingdom belonged to the children.   I guess I've entered my second childhood.
 

Dealing with Snack Foods

Tuesday, August 4, 2009   Dealing with Snack Foods     Snack Foods. The perfect food for ADHD people. Grab and go. Don't have to cook, put together ingredients, shop for those ingredients, remember which ingredients to shop for. They're full of all the taste and flavor (mostly artificial) ADHD people crave. They provide the stimulation we seek when the TV shows don't cut it all by themselves (most don't).   They also provide the majority of the salt, sugar, and fat that shoot up our blood sugar, cholesterol and blood pressure.   Just thought of something slightly amusing--or maybe alarming. My name starts with ch and so do many of my favorite snacks: cheetos, chocolate, chips (taco, potato, pita).   It is so much easier for me not to eat them now that they're not in my house and my husband's not eating them in front of me. He might have a secret stash hidden somewhere but I never see it and he never eats it in front of me.   America's food industry, like the tobacco and alcohol industries, has a lot to answer for. All of them know they're dealing with addictive substances and do their best to make them even more addictive with chemically designed addictive additives in addition to those old standbyes--salt, carbs and fat. Oh, and let's not forget chocolate and caffeine being increased and put in all kinds of new products.   Many are designed to appeal to children and teenagers. Did you know a lot of teenagers are now having lapbands? The obesity epidemic is out of control among our young people. I see the food parents put in their kids lunches or that kids pack for themselves. Some start hauling snacks out of their lunch bags and backpacks as soon as they arrive at school. Those with healthy snacks trade with those with all the unhealthy snacks.   Schools are eliminating snacks from their cafeterias and vending machines, but the kids just carry them with them. I don't have an answer for this dilemma. I am nutritionally quite well-educated. Didn't stop me from eating snacks.   The best advice I get on the topic is don't expose yourself to the snacks. Keep them out of the house. Ask people not to eat them in front of you. In situations where exposure is unavoidable, it might be better to eat just a little bit of those things that most appeal to you than to ruin your good time spending all your effort not eating those things. Fortunately, I've got the lapband to let me know when I've had enough. Especially if I start with higher protein items the band will help me limit the snacks. The key will be to get right back on the food protocol once the party's over.   Right now, I don't have a lot of restriction and have slowed way down on weight loss. I have a family reunion this weekend. All my siblings and some nieces and nephews and their children (along with my own children and grandchildren) will be together. Food will be a big part of the reunion.   So, for three days before the reunion I'm eating protein almost exclusively, a protein shake for breakfast, meat for lunch, and meat and a veggie for supper, with milk in my iced latte in-between meals. I noticed yesteday already that when I just eat meat without a lot of moistening agents, I can still feel some restriction in my band. I already lost 2 lbs. That puts me at 30 lbs total weight loss. When the weekend is over, I'll probably go back on high protein until I get my first fill on August 11. I'll probably be back on a liquid protein diet for a few days after that, so my stomach can heal. That should jumpstart the weight loss again. I hope the Dr. puts in enough fill to give me restriction. Otherwise I'll go back 2 or 3 weeks after to get another one.   I have few clothes that fit me. I'm going through my closets trying to decide what's worth taking in, which of my "skinny" fat clothes fit me now, and what to give to Goodwill. I've started going to thrift stores, since I will not be at this weight for very long and don't want to spend money on clothes. I can't buy ahead because I don't know how fast the weight will come off.   But these are good problems to have. I've dropped one cholesterol med and one blood pressure med. I'm seeing if I can do without my stomach med since I ran out of it and won't be seeing my regular doc for 2 more weeks.   I get to see my relatives this weekend and I'm not going to worry about food!   God is good all the time. All the time God is good.
 

An ADHD Evening

An ADHD Evening     My husband is losing weight on my diet. Actually, he's not on my diet but he doesn't eat goodies in front of me at night anymore and as a result he's losing weight. The articles I read on the ADHD/ADD-eating disorders connection say that night-time is the hardest time for an ADHD/ADD woman to not eat. Evenings are our worst time because our projects are done. We need to find stimulating, adventurous things to do at night to keep us out of the food.   I bury myself in Facebook and my blog right now at night while watching TV at the same time. I may be in trouble when I start losing interest in Facebook (which is beginning to happen), and I imagine eventually I'll run out of things to say and start repeating myself on my blog. When church and school activities begin in August and September it'll be a relief.   I knew I wasn't nuts about the connection between attention deficit disorder and my eating disorder. There is a big connection for about one/third of compulsive overeaters. We have difficulty with organizational skills which is why food plans and food journals and countaing carbs, calories, or points don't work for us. We have poor impulse control which is why we're on the see-food diet: we see food, we eat food. And we have poor self-awareness which leads to not knowing when we're hungry or when we're full. When we're busy with something that stimulates us we totally forget to eat which sets us up for ravenous hunger later, and because we don't sense fullness we eat till we're stuffed.   Its very important that ADHD people speak up for themselves about being put (in all innocence) in situations where they are confronted with favorite food at a time when their impulsivity level is at their highest.   I had asked my husband to not eat treats at night in front of me and he graciously complied. He is now reaping the benefits.   I had a really ADHD evening. I steadily accomplished things all day today and then forgot a meeting I was supposed to attend tonight. (Sorry, Roger) I did the same thing last Saturday morning with another meeting. Mind you, this morning I told my husband to help me remember I had a meeting on Monday night and he said, "Today's Monday." I saw Roger today and we talked about the meeting. Up until an hour before the meeting I remembered. Then something distracted me and I forgot.   I'm totally off any regular schedule in the summer and my mind frees itself of the school year structure that helps me remember stuff. On the other hand, my mind is popping with creative ideas. I wrote two children's stories and came up with some ideas for my school. I write this blog each night. But I forgot two meetings in three days.   This kind of thing is not an infrequent occurrence with me. I wonder if you can imagine the shame this has caused me in the past? Understanding my own ADHD has greatly reduced the shame I feel, but I know other people find it frustrating and really don't understand.   According to the authors of the study, ADHD people are the ones least likely to succeed on any form of food plan. Does that explain a lot. They suggest that we keep a variety of the food we should eat available at home and at work because we're the type to forget to pack a lunch. They don't even suggest trying to restrict the food because we're such failures at it, just try to stay on a maintenance diet of 1800-2500 calories/day. Well, I'm glad I've got the lapband so that I'll actually lose weight faster than a maintenance diet.(Though, frankly, I would lose weight on that because I ate more calories than that.) And so that on really ADHD days, like today, I've got a tool that will stop me from getting too badly into the food. Just for today, I did not get into the food. Fortunately, the knowledge that I missed a meeting happened just before I began working on my blog, giving me a chance to process the whole thing. I also noticed Roger was on Facebook and chatted with him online and apologized for missing the meeting. I've had to do that a lot in my life.   He sent me the minutes. I'll catch up. But I lost an opportunity to share ideas with others--something to which I was looking forward.   Oh, well. ADHD has its gifts as well as its drawbacks. Today was more drawback than gift. But by the grace of God, I haven't eaten.
 

Vindication

Sunday, August 2, 2009   Vindication     Ta Da! I found some articles on the internet that confirmed that my ADHD definitely is a contributing factor in my compulsive overeating and that it makes it particularly hard to treat. People with ADHD do not do well with food plans, counting carbs or calories or points. Expecting them to remember to pack a lunch everyday is an excercise in futility. ADHD affects the organizational part of the brain. In addition, people with ADHD have poor impulse control, which is why so many of us are on the see-food diet. We see food, we eat food.   Many of us feel tremendous shame over our poor impulse control and focus. Its affected our ability to be "successful" with a lot of jobs, with our marriages, and even with friendship. And it helps make us fat and makes it hard to lose the fat. Double shame. We do not have the organizational and focus skills to be successful on a long-term diet or life-style change. Our failures feed our shame and shame leads to more eating.   People with ADHD, especially women, are prone to anxiety and depression, because we are the proverbial square pegs trying to force ourselves into round holes--societal expectations for our roles as women into which we just don't fit. Anxiety and depression are known contributors to overeating. They're a form of self-medication.   It's also hard for women because we've been socialized not to do the stimulating, adventurous things we need to do that would keep us busy and out of the food--especially at night when we're expected to keep the home fires burning. We use food to calm us down so we can sit or do the boring, tedious housework expected of us. We use food to stimulate ourselves when we're bored, which we easily are. Of course, stimulants (caffeine and carbs) calm our brains and help us focus. We eat a lot of chocolate and drink a lot of coffee.   In addition, we really don't have an off switch with food. ADHD people can have poor self-awareness. We don't know we're full until we're stuffed. Conversely, when we're really busy with something that interests us, we go into hyperfocus, and we have no clue that we're hungry and we don't eat till we're done with the project, which helps set up the ravenous hunger we get later. With poor impulse control and no off switch we eat till we're stuffed.   ADD/ADHD women would be voted least likely to succeed on a diet by those scientists who are studying them. Actually, the effects of chronic pain mimic ADHD and lead to similar difficulties with diets. Ding-ding-ding. I'm a two-for-one winner. Two causes for one disease. (I'm not even going to talk about codependency here.) And I would add that chronic pain limits the physical activity and stimulation and adventuring that would allow me to self-medicate my ADHD without food. I eat to sit still so I don't hurt.   I'm blessed to have a husband who has made it his mission to see to it that I can fulfill my mission as a teacher to at-risk children. (Many of you saw the video I posted in a previous blog that highlighted one of my students.) Ken keeps me organized, acts as my social secretary (unless I forget to tell him about an event), does all the paperwork, researches things for me, does all the housework, laundry, and grocery shopping, makes sure my car has gas, etc. At school my assistant also takes care of the paperwork and keeps the room organized and efficient. She's become my chief consultant as I constantly bounce ideas of her. She has a son who's ADHD and she knows just how to be helpful, leaving me free to be creative and flexible and good at my job.     I've had a lot of affirmations and successes at my job. I've earned a lot of respect and even a certain amount of influence. People know I'm ADHD but, frankly, teachers are an eccentric bunch, and none more so than at my school, so, basically, I fit right in. In many ways, God has pulled my life together and made it work.     That leaves the food and the obesity. And now I've got a tool for that. A tool that works with my ADHD instead of against it. As long as I keep plenty of options for food that's on my protocol stored at home and stored at school (for when I forget to pack a lunch) my band will let me know when I'm full. As long as I continue to get support from my on-line friends and continue to write this blog to help me deal with all the assorted issues that accompany my food addiciton, I think I can beat the odds against me as an ADHD, arthritic woman recovering from this eating disorder.     By the grace of God, I am Cheri, a recovering food addict.
 

Progress Isn't Just Measured in Pounds Lost.

Saturday, August 1, 2009   Progress Isn't Just Measured in Pounds Lost.     In 12-step programs there is a saying: Progress not Perfection. I wrote in response to a comment on a post: Progress isn't just measured in pounds lost. I came home late last night and tried to write my blog but couldn't. I kept falling asleep. I reread what I wrote and thank God I didn't publish the post. I could not get my thoughts together.   Part of what threw me was that I wasn't yet able to write about having had a chocolate malt while I was out with my husband. Intellectually, I don't believe there was anything wrong with that. It was a conscious choice on my part to allow myself a treat. But the subconscious fear was also there, waiting to sabotage me. Will this trigger me to start eating a lot of carbs again?   There are a lot of so-called experts out there who believe that carbs, especially simple carbs like sugar, trigger binges. They may be right. But a freshly made turkey or a spit-roasted chicken can do the same to me and according to the gurus, protein isn't supposed to do that. So was the malt the healthiest choice I could have made? No. Was it a bad choice? No. What's going to make me binge? The malt or the guilt? I vote guilt.   Today, I am right back on my protocol. I may eat a little less to make up for yesterday's extra calories. I may not. I am one of those "get a phone call may travel" kinds of people. Some days I have an idea what I'm going to do for lunch and supper, other days I don't. I always leave myself open to possibilities.   So is progress not ever having a chocolate malt? Or is progress making it a conscious choice to have a treat and then getting right back on my food protocol? Is progress pretending I didn't have that chocolate malt or going ahead and writing about it and working through the issues it brought up?   I think you know where my vote lies.   All things in moderation is a very Biblical concept. Do I want to flaunt that chocolate malt and lead others astray who might not be able to handle it? No. I would not flaunt alcohol in front of an alcoholic either. What's right for me is not right for everyone. We learn the difference through trial and error.   Let me tell you. I see so many people beating themselves up for gaining a lb., not reaching a certain BMI, falling off their food protocol, losing too slowly. I think they would be better off keeping a progress journal with entries like: My stomach doesn't stick out farther than my boobs. I can sleep on my stomach. I'm not snorting myself awake. I can cross my legs now. I can walk for over an hour. I had a treat and got right back to my food protocol. I didn't binge. Good for me!   I've said this before in an early blog: Don't "should" on yourself. Don't "should" on others. Don't let other people "should" on you (don't internalize their criticisms.) Or, as the Bible says, "Judge not that ye be not judged."
 

Why'd I Get Lapband?

Thursday, July 30, 2009   Why'd I Get Lapband?     I thought I'd talk about and show you some of the reasons why I went for lap band surgery. Obviously my health was the chief reason. I have the trifecta--high blood pressure, cholesterol and blood sugar. Not to mention osteo-arthritis that's exacerbated by the weight. I want to be healthy. I don't want to make a meal of drugs.   I also have a husband, 3 grown children and 2 grown stepchildren, and 7 grandchildren. They love me. I love them. I want to be able to take care of my grandchildren, keep up with them, play with them, pick them up and hug them, and take them places. That was getting hard to do. With 29 lbs. lost I'm already having a lot more fun with them.   I love to garden--flowers. It had become very painful and I had to go very slowly with the never-ending weeding. Artificial knees make it very difficult for me to kneel or squat for any length of time or to sit or lay down on the grass to weed. The weight made it even harder. My weight made it difficult to bend over or use a shovel. I would get breathless. I did some extended weeding and clipping yesterday and got done quickly and experienced no pain during or afterwards.   I love getting out and walking, going to fests and listening to music, singing in choir and on praise teams. Standing for any length of time was becoming more and more difficult. Walking also put me in pain. I walk over an hour now each day. The other day my husband and I went to downtown Chicago where we walked miles up and down Michigan Ave., all over Millenium Park and across to Daley Plaza and back. We walked from the Buckingham Fountain along the lakefront all the way to Navy Pier and all the way down the pier and back.   I was also finding it difficult to work. I teach at-risk students at a Christian school on the south side of Chicaco. I teach groups ranging from 8-12 students for 8 or 9 periods a day. I have the students with academic and frequently behavioral issue. I already struggle with high blood pressure and believe me there were times I could feel it go up. The kids would say, "Mrs. Flory you're turning red."   I'd stiffen so much when I'd sit for any length of time. Getting up to go to the board or to fetch materials was painful. Standing and teaching could only be done for short periods of time. Bending over students for any length of time was difficult.   I work in an old building with no handicapped accomodations and lots of stairs. I really began to wonder how much longer I could continue teaching. I'm only 57 and can't afford early retirement and was beginning to believe I'd have to go on disability.   Let me show you one of the reasons why I don't want to do that. I'm including a link to a video of a student of mine named Arthur. Arthur has an incredible story to tell. I'm an integral part of his story because I taught him to read and do math. You'll see me teaching him in the video. I helped interview him for the video though you won't hear me. I got my lap band in part because I didn't want to give up making a difference in children's lives.   Here's the link: http://cltv8.com/rcs/micro4v2/.   I felt like I was sacrificing my life in order to keep teaching. Hopefully, with the weight off, teaching will be much easier on me physically, and with more physical strength it should be mentally and emotionally less draining as well. In fact, I expect to experience a lot more joy while teaching. Constant pain robs you of joy. Joy should be effortless and should float like a ballon. When you're heavy, you are weighed down and joy becomes an effort. I want effortless, effervescent joy.   I want all barriers removed between myself and people and between myself and God. Food and fat are barriers to intimacy (see my last post.) I want to have fun and relax and enjoy myself around people without food getting in the way. I want to enjoy fellowship with God. I want to be by myself with him without being distracted by needing to go get something to eat, or by having to be chewing on something in order to concentrate on him.   Today I went out for lunch with a friend. We sat and talked and laughed for a long time. We shared about our lives. I ate half a spinach & chicken salad and took half home. It was enough. I set the extra to the side and forgot about it. It was a healthy choice. It was delicious and I enjoyed it. But it didn't get between me and my friend.   These are the reasons I got a lapband.
 

Saboteur-Perfectionism

Wednesday, July 29, 2009   Saboteur-Perfectionism     Perfectionism can sabotage compulsive overeaters very quickly. As I read the posts of other bandsters I can see people sabotaging themselves, beating themselves up, setting themselves up for failure, because they were less than perfect in their adherance to a food protocol. Many bandsters are able to relax with their bands and trust the bands. But not those going through band or bandster hell--that time when their bands have not yet been filled enough to create the restriction they need, and they're trying desperately to maintain the food protocol and lose weight using all the tricks that never worked for them in the past--at least not for long.   I've been losing weight while I wait for my first fill on August 11, but it's slowed way down. I told myself that it was good enough not to gain during this time. I've also given myself the accountability of writing in this blog every night and I think that really helps. I'm very aware of the trap of perfectionism and am trying to avoid it.   There are some posts from people in bandster hell that are almost despairing. They were so excited by the weight loss they experienced while on the liquid portion of the food protocol and are now utterly dismayed that as their eating returned to normal their weight loss has stopped. I particularly feel sorry for those who've had several fills and are not yet experiencing restriction.   I also see the addiction to weighing every day on the scale and how a normal variation in weight that causes a temporary small gain can sabotage them. Most times its just water weight from PMS or traveling in a car, but it sends them into a tizzy.   One bandster unexpectedly reached goal when her Dr. looked at her and told her to not pay attention to the BMI guidelines. She hadn't lost in a couple of months and was despairing of reaching a healthy BMI. Fortunately her Dr. looked at her and not at the charts. The woman is 175 lbs but wears a size 8 or 10. She has to be a beanpole and very tall or very muscular to weigh that much and wear that small a size. Or maybe she has thick legs. But she went from a size 26 to a size 8 and she was beating herself up for not being able to lose the last 7 or 8 lbs to reach a "normal" BMI.   Various people were posting about their BMI's (Body Mass Index) and whether they wanted to go for the "normal" BMI or the BMI Weight Watchers has said is the "healthiest." Thank God my Dr. never mentioned my BMI. He just eyeballed me and said, "Based on your age and your height you probably ought to go for about 170 lbs." I was so relieved. That'll put me in a size 14 or 12 which I am perfectly happy to wear. I feel great at that weight and look fine. I have no desire to be skinny.   Trying to look perfect was what got me started dieting when I wasn't even fat and led to the cycle of binge/purge(diet) that screwed up my metabolism and got me fat in the first place. Been there, done that, bought the T-shirt.   There was only ever one human being that did life perfectly and I'm not he. I'm me. And I'm loved for the Cheri I've been, the Cheri I'm becoming, and the Cheri I will be when all my warts and peccadillos and struggles aren't eliminated, but are transformed into something beautiful when he comes for me. None of this nonsense about food and weight and being perfect is going to amount to a hill of beans when he gathers me up in his arms and holds me and calls me his precious child.
 

Creating Intimacy

Tuesday, July 28, 2009   Creating Intimacy     Intimacy. I was at a concert tonight where Derrell Evans (the singer/songwriter who wrote Trading My Sorrows) performed at my church. He spoke and sang about intimacy--how God desires intimacy with us. I spoke in an earlier blog about how everyone wants to be known. We want someone to know us with the layers peeled away--the real us. That's intimacy.   That's something we compulsive overeaters are not very good at. There are those in the field of psychiatry who have speculated that we surround ourselves with layers of fat in order to protect ourselves from intimacy--especially those who've been abused. Don't know if that's true, but I do think that food, like any addiction, can make real intimacy difficult. We do our best to keep the secret of how deep that addiction runs. There's a saying in recovery groups: We are only as sick as our secrets. How can another person truly know us if they don't know our addiction? How can we fully contribute to a relationship when so much time is spent protecting our secret?   I've heard people confess that they go from one fast food place to another ordering food at several places so that the order takers won't catch on that they're ordering so much food just for themselves. Others tell how they buy food and eat in their cars so their families won't know how much they're eating. Bulimia, whether using laxatives, throwing up, or excercise, is a way of hiding the compulsive overeating by not layering with fat. I have it on good authority that pizza is the hardest and worst food to throw up, while ice cream is the best because it tastes the same coming up as going down. One girl kept a bucket in her closet for throwing up so her family wouldn't suspect anything the way they would if she threw up in the toilet. We are all so good at hiding and stashing and sneaking food.   Combine secrets with low self-esteem and you've got a perfect recipe for getting involved with emotionally unavailable and even abusive people. Compulsive overeaters frequently stay in bad relationships because they don't believe anyone else would want to be with them. They're with people who are no more capable of receiving intimacy than we are of giving it.   So, yes, we have issues with intimacy. The rules in any dysfunctional family or relationship are: Don't talk(tell); Don't trust; and Don't feel. Keep the secret, trust no one with the peeled away version of yourself; and numb yourself (with the substance of your choice) so you don't have to feel.   So, how do we break the pattern of avoiding intimacy that we experience with God, with significant others, and with friends? In fact, food and other drugs put us in such a dissociative state that we may not even know, or experience intimacy, with ourselves.   First of all, I think God himself breaks through those barriers through the power of his Spirit and the sacrifice of his Son. We have to believe that and receive it. Nevertheless, we are going to have to accept help from other people--a 12 step sponsor and often a trained professional counselor--and possibly anti-depressants to help us get started on breaking the cycle. God generally works through human hands.   The counselor and/or a 12 step sponsor may be the first person we genuinely experience intimacy with as we begin to tell our secrets. We may find other safe people to practice intimacy with (like in 12 step groups) before we're able to share with those closest to us. And family are not always the safest recipients of our secrets. If they are not willing to work on their own intimacy issues, they may be people to whom we only go so far in revealing ourselves.   Working the steps takes us through the steps of intimacy. Taking our own moral inventory, sharing it with God and another human being, asking God to remove our defects of character, making amends to others, promptly admitting when we're wrong, sharing our recovery with others, passing it on, are all ways of learning intimacy. Writing is a great way to learn intimacy. To peel away layers and share what's underneath.   God already knows us, but like Adam and Eve we hide from him, too full of shame to walk in intimacy with him in the garden. He wants nothing more than to lavish us with love with arms opened wide. Go ahead. Fall into his arms. Let him peel away the layers. Nothing revealed will repell him. Ask him to put people in your life with whom you can experience intimacy. They may or may not be in a church. Not all church people are safe. But you can experience intimacy with God, with yourself, and with other human beings. It won't happen overnight. But full recovery from the effects of addiction requires learning intimacy.   "Oh taste and see that the Lord is good. For his mercy endureth forever."
 

Getting Rid of the Crap

Monday, July 27, 2009   Getting Rid of the Crap     Thought I'd give you a heads up on the topic today. In case you're squeamish. If you've ever been on the Atkins diet you know you lost weight but you probably also experienced constipation. You have to pick fibers that don't shoot up your blood sugar. I managed because I took ground flax seed and Psyllium Husk. I also found fish oil helped. Veggies and fruits are carbs and have to be limited on Atkins--especially fruit.   I've never been that fond of salads and raw veggies, and fruit is limited because of its high sugar content. Not that fruit ever helped me with a lifelong constipation problem. I could eat a lb of grapes or cherries and see no impact.   The food protocol for lap band is pretty close to the Atkins Diet. Protein first. Veggies and fruit in small quantities. Careful with the grains because they swell and stretch the stomach. Regular bread and rice can make you bp when they swell. Whole grains can be added cautiously to help control hunger after you've been on the band awhile and your stomach is healed.   So enter my old enemy, constipation. Laxatives barely help. I've added fish oil back and just a little ground flax seed. I'm scared of the Psyllium Husk because I know it expands in water. I drink my V8 everyday as well as some diet V8 Splash to get my veggies. I do have some cooked broccoli and califlower and green beans. All fruit has to be peeled and raw veggies can hurt the stomach. I eat a lot of beans (not green ones), but all they do is make me fart.   When I was a kid I was so constipated I only went 1x/wk after my big Sunday dinner. TMI, I know, but I gave you fair warning.   Excercise is supposed to help but I'm walking and hour and fifteen minutes everyday. Big meals actually used to help me move it through but I can no longe eat big meals.   I take a good multivitamin as well as calcium supplements and I get my dairy everyday, so I'm getting my nutrients.   This whole subject gives new meaning to the phrase: this too shall pass.   People do not like to be constipated. If you've ever dined in a nursing home you'll find prune juice to be a very popular item. I'd need to drink a quart.   I'm finding it hard to come up with any kind of spiritual or tool for recovery meaning to apply to this topic. Constipation is just a fact of life that you have to experiment with until you get relief, whether you've had lap band or not.   About the only metaphorical meaning I can come up with is that its important to get the crap in your life out of you. You need to do what it takes to get it moving on out or you'll end up with a sluggish brain and spirit and may actually end up with an impacted brain that's stuck on the same old ideas and ways of thinking and is not capable of changing for the better. Step 6 & 7 deal with becoming ready to have God remove all our defects of character and then humbly asking him to do so.   Work the steps, pray, read your Bible, read spiritual books, talk to people who don't look like you or think like you, journal, take some risks, go on adventures, take care of yourself, peel away another layer and reveal yourself, have fun, and don't take yourself too seriously or waste time beating yourself or other people up. Love God above all and your neighbor as yourself.
 

Celebrate!

Sunday, July 26, 2009   Celebrate!     Several people posted the past 2 days about having kids with major addictions. Some are taking care of grandchildren or have never seen their grandchildren due to removal from birth parent due to child endangerment.   My heart goes out to everyone dealing with addiction with their grown children. I have attended Alanon for years, gone to counseling, work currently a little bit with Celebrate Recovery. Spent some time posting back to those struggling. My first husband had an issue with alcohol. One of the best things I'm doing is dealing with my own addiction to food. I see codependency as closely tied into food addiction. Tough love and taking care of ourselves in relationships aides our own recovery and sets a good example to the other addicts or potential addicts (like our children) in our lives.   I had a wonderful Sunday. Church this morning and then a luncheon with a group that 20 years ago sponsored several Ethiopian refugees at a former church. One of the refugees was out here visiting with his wife and kids. We all reminisced about that time and some of the funny cultural differences and situations that arose. I ate a little bit of everything that looked good to me but did not overindulge.   Then I sang on a praise team at a special service this evening. We're a multicultural church and we had our annual Taste of Reconciliation. I had a few tastes of various countries, focusing on protein, a little of this and that. Did not overindulge. Didn't want to bp in the middle of a song on stage. LOL. Then we moved into the sanctuary where my praise team and invited singers and groups from other churches also sang--sometimes in other languages. We had a dynamite short sermon, dynamite music of all styles, I got to sing in Spanish. Haven't sung all summer since choir took a summer break. People left on such a spiritual high. Loved it.   Worship; acting justly, loving mercy, and walking humbly with our God; 12-step recovery groups; spreading the good news of the Gospel and how we can recover even from our addictions; having had a spiritual awakening as a result of these steps, I try to carry this message to others and to practice these principles in all my affairs.   Today was a gift. So many of the elements of recovery were there. Many of the things most precious to me were celebrated.   God is good all the time, All the time God is good.
 

What an Idiot!

Saturday, July 25, 2009   What an Idiot!     What an idiot! I got in a minor fender bender today and got a ticket. I let myself be pressured by a honking driver who wanted me to pull out into fast-moving traffic and then swerved around me to get out of the parking lot driveway and pulled into traffic ahead of me. I followed him and hit a car he just missed. He was laughing as he pulled away. So I let an idiot turn me into one.   Loss of serenity. Letting someone else's bad behavior affect your decisions. Just a momentary lapse and...boom! No one hurt. My old car has just one more scrape but, of course, the other car was strategically hit in the right front quarter panel and the door with a scrape on the wheel cover. The mother of the young man driving the other car was understandably upset, but calmed down fairly quickly as I apologized and took responsibility.   What amazed me is how she, her son, and her daughter were all immediately on their cell phones and taking pictures with their phones as well as their handy-dandy camera. It all ended fairly amicably since I have good insurance and took responsibility.   But I'll have to go to court to get my license back. Had to call the insurance company. Felt like an idiot.   This is life. I love the serenity prayer at moments like this. It's become absorbed into my nature over the years and in an emergency I go right into that mode.   God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, The courage to change the things I can, And the wisdom to know the difference.   I couldn't change the fact that I got in an accident or that it was my fault, so I immediately accepted that fact and my responsibility. I could speak calmly and soothingly to the distraught, angry woman, quickly apologizing, and de-escalated the situation quite rapidly so that she apologized to me. I had ignored her screaming at me to stop my car and moved it to a safer place where it wouldn't block traffic and cause another accident. She thought I was leaving the scene. Once she realized my intent, she was embarassed.   Afterwards, I did not go home and eat.   Acceptance and serenity. Two major tools of recovery. I couldn't go back and change what happened, though I surely wish I could have. I didn't dwell on it. I had the courage to admit I was at fault and to change the atmosphere. I had the wisdom to know that I had to act to move my car right away and explain later.   Honesty is another huge tool of the program. "Continued to take personal inventory and when we were wrong, promptly admitted it!" Step 10 of the 12 steps.   I also made amends which is Step 9. In fact, by having a current license and carrying good insurance, I was prepared to make amends in just such a situation.   Now I did call the reckless driver a bad name--something to do with a donkey's hind end, but realized that would get me nowhere and I needed to take care of my business.   And I did. And I didn't eat.   God is good all the time! All the time God is good!
 

Tell Your Story

Friday, July 24, 2009   Tell Your Story     I was in a restaurant today. I didn't think I'd been experiencing much restriction but I ate bread for the first time (other than a bite or two in the past.) Pita bread with goat cheese, tomato, olive and hummus. Also had a little spanakopita. I bp'd (productive burped, not British Petroleum)into a raised flower bed facing the street (we were seated outdoors) very discreetly. Yuck, yuck, yuck. The nutritionist was right when she said bread can expand in your stomach. I was eating slowly and chewing well and still bp'd. On a good note, my husband and I chewed up the sidewalk in downtown Chicago. I was able to walk and walk and walk. (Think about the initial letters in pita bread. Now reverse them and what do they spell?)   It was good to know that I still have some restriction, but not the nicest way to find out. I sat on the edge of the flower bed with my back to the restaurant and I think the only person who noticed was a motorist whose car was stopped right in front of me. I made sure not to look at her, till she was driving off. She had a very stange smile on her face.   Humor is such an important part of recovery. I told two Christian counselors the name of my blog and they both burst into laughter. Humor lends perspective and keeps us from taking ourselves too seriously. If you've ever been cornered by someone with serious issues who has no sense of humor and who takes every opportunity or topic in a conversation to relate a boring, deadly serious anecdote about themselves, you know exactly what I mean.   Telling our stories is also an important tool in recovery. And you have to tell the bad stuff, too, or the story's not complete and is not believable. If you can do it with a light touch, all the better. But there are some things that happen to us that are totally not funny. That's when we need to convey the emotion and the pain.   I think about people I know and love who were sexually abused. There is absolutely no way to make the telling of that funny. Yet I've seen women smile as they relate the story and minimize its impact on them. Their smiles are closer to grimaces, but they don't know that. I know women who are so damaged by what was done to them (especially with severe, long-term abuse) that they'll never be able to be in a normal healthy relationship or function optimally in the workplace--even after years of counseling and drug therapy.   Many women with eating disorders were sexually abused as children. That doesn't mean that all women with eating disorders were abused, nor do all women who were abused develop eating disorders. I was not abused. But a number of women who were, chose to tell me their stories. Sometimes I've been the first person they've ever told. For them, telling their stories is crucial. Each time they tell another person and are not shamed or rejected for telling, they get closer to healing. Keeping the secret has torn them apart internally. I think women have told me their stories because they sense I am a safe person to tell. All I can do is listen, and that's what I do. I don't tell others. Most of these stories cannot be for public consumption. Sometimes, after a person has told me, they'll find ways to avoid me. The fact that I know their secret is just too uncomfortable for them. But it broke the ice. It will be easier for them to tell the next person.   Everybody has a story to tell. Telling it helps the teller and the listener. When we who are Christians tell our stories, we tell of God's love for us and his grace in walking through the worst experiences with us. Whatever was done to us, was done to him. Whenever we suffer, he suffers. When we laugh, he laughs with us. His is the greatest story ever told, yet he'll listen to our story and hang on every word.   Tell your story.
 

On-line Community and Friendship

Thursday, July 23, 2009   On-line Community and Friendship     In Bandster talk onederland is when the first number of your weight drops to a one. One hundred and something instead of two hundred or three hundred. You hit onederland when you drop to 199.9 lbs. Bandsters put count-down tickers to record their weightloss on their posts to various threads. You see their starting weight, current weight and goal weight. Those who "band" together during a certain month will pick a name which they proudly display in glitter letters on every post.   They celebrate various goals along their journey--onederland being one of them. They celebrate their "bandiversaries", one year, two year, etc. anniversaries of their band date. Jargon has always been a way to bind groups together.   Currently, many of the June Journeys are experiencing "band hell," that time when fills have not begun or not yet begun to make a difference with food restriction. I know I was very careful the past two days and finally lost almost 2 lbs. But today I'm hungry. Actually feeling stomach growling hunger. I'm trying to stick to protein but after I eat it I'm hungry again quickly. Hopefully tomorrow will be a better day. My first fill is August 11 so I've got a ways to go. So far I've lost 28 lbs. I'll be halfway when I reach 35 lbs lost and goal weight will be a 70 lb weight loss. My clothes are falling off me. I need to go to the thrift store to find clothes--especially pants--that will see me through only a month or two--before they outgrow me. Pants are, of course, the hardest thing to buy at a thrift store.   Its nice to know I'm not alone on this journey. Its fun to discover and participate in a whole 'nuther world that has its own language and celebrations. My 50's plus group is talking about getting together. Deciding where in the United States to do that could be a real problem because we come from all over.   Some people denigrate the various internet communities like Facebook and, I'm assuming, Lapbandtalk as creating artificial intimacy. To me, it feels more like making acquainatances, checking each other out, finding common interests. and possibly establishing some unexpected friendships. There were times when I was in counseling groups and Alanon groups that I experienced some of the best sharing and friendship I've ever had. When the groups fell apart it left a hole in my life. We laughed and cried together, we went out for coffee together, we gave each other advice, but mostly we just listened.   I'm thinking Lapbandtalk is a gracelet (a little piece of God's grace) that's allowing me to once again conversate and share stories with people with a common interest. Before, it was the common interest of having a relative with an addiction. Now its our own addiction. Before the summer is out I hope to find a non-judgemental, non-rule driven support group that will help me continue this lifestyle change. But in the meantime, these fellow lap band journeyers with their willingness to share their stories have become friends. I don't always know their faces, but I'm beginning to know their stories.   In my life I've changed addresses, churches, husbands, interests, and jobs, and each of these changes has brought about a loss of friends. They get harder and harder to replace. I'm going to take my friendships where I can find them. And that includes the internet.
 

Just Write It

Wednesday, July 22, 2009   Just Write It     "Life is a journey, look for the smilemarkers along the way." Man, I need to get that copywrited. That's a bumper sticker in the making. That sentence popped into my head as I was finishing my blog late last night when I could barely see to finish the post. It became the title.   I really do love writing this blog. Even though I'm a pretty good writer I tend to put off writing things that I've committed to writing until the last minute. Procrastination. I've heard that procrastinators are frustrated perfectionists who put things off to the last minute in order to give themselves permission to do a less than perfect job.   Personally, I find that I can't concentrate enough to write until I'm up against a deadline. In the case of this blog, I start it when its really time to go to bed. By the time I'm finished I can barely see the page. I also can't stop writing until the ideas stop coming, another reason why I may be afraid to start. I'm always amazed when I'm done to find that its relatively coherent.   Often I just start with whatever pops into my head and keep going. When I'm done I re-read it and realize there's usually a theme. My brain organizes things without me even realizing it.   Still trying to figure out what the theme of this blog is. Or what it has to do with food addiction and lapband surgery.   Just musing on the whole writing process and the way creativity happens. Sometimes ideas pop into my head while I'm walking. Sometimes they're inspired by events of the day. Sometimes ideas that have been percolating in my subconscious for a long time finally rise to the top. Once I start writing about it I can't stop. If I'm passionate about a subject things particularly seem to flow. I'm passionate about food addiction and its effects on me and others.   Having the self-imposed discipline of posting everyday has made me more mindful of the events of the day, the thoughts going through my head, what's important that I need to talk about that others might appreciate.   Although each of these posts is written as a stand alone piece with some references to earlier posts, they are all connected. I'm tracing the history and issues of my addiction that come up while I record the information about where I am in my lapband journey. If I tried to write all this as a pre-planned book, it would never happen. But I've posted at least 40 times. Each post could almost be a chapter in a book. I've never believed I could ever write a book, but, in essence, that's what I'm doing.   I'm also able to really be myself while I'm writing this. You pretty much know the worst about me and you read me anyway. Some of you have written me or told me that you love how I'm unselfconscious, that I've moved you to tears, that you're praying for me, that I'm funny, that I'm inspiring. Mostly, I'm trying to be honest. Life is funny and life hurts.   Everybody secretly desires to by known by someone else. To have the protective outer layers peeled away and the real person emerge where they can love and receive love not just inspite of but because of their peccadillos and insecurities. Its a real risk to put yourself out there in public. Most of us aren't too successful revealing ourselves even to our families. In fact, families can be the least safe place for that kind of revelation.   I hope that those of you who struggle with similar issues (and who really doesn't? Mine is the human condition.) find your own voice and safe people with whom you can use it.   AA's fifth step states, "Admitted to God, to ourselves, and to another human being (usually a sponsor) the exact nature of our wrongs," or maybe we should say admitted our exact nature.   If you're one of those honored with the peeled away self-revelations of another human being, be aware. You are holding something fragile and beautiful and quite perishable. Handle with care.
 

Look for the Smilemarkers

Tuesday, July 21, 2009   Look for the Smilemarkers     A sliver of moon was showing in the sky the other day while I was playing outside with my grandson, David (4yrs). As usual he wanted to know why. I told him the moon wanted to play with him. Later he was drinking chocolate milk on the front porch and said, "The moon is drinking chocolate milk. He has a chocolate milk mustache."   I love it when a four year old can use his imagination and make a joke. I love it when a four year old accidentally amuses me. David was riding in the van with his dad when he announced, "I want my crocs (sandals)." His dad stopped the car and asked him what he was wearing on his feet. David replied in all seriousness, "Dad, I'm wearing my toes."   Children and laughter go hand in hand. I love being a grandmother and not having to do much of anything when I babysit but enjoy the kids. My two year old granddaughter loves to play hide and seek in her house. She always hides in her closet and she always tells me she's going to hide in her closet. When I try to go home she frequently tells me I'm hungry and I need to eat in order to keep me there. LOL. She already knows my weakness.   There's a lot of evidence that laughter is good medicine. The Reader's Digest knew that before there were studies proving it.   I use a lot of silly humor when I teach. To teach the ang sound I have a picture-card of a vampire with fangs showing. I'll put on my best Transylvanian accent, make my hands into claws, and say," I vant to bite your neck; I vish to suck your blood." The kids all shriek and laugh and are more likely to remember that ang makes the sound you hear in fang.   I have a game that involves tossing a soft ball back and forth between me and a group of kids while saying math facts. I love to watch for the kid who stops paying attention and I'll look at another child while throwing the ball at the daydreamer who frequently gets hit by the ball which cracks everyone up and serves notice to pay attention.   Today I was on Lapbandtalk, which has become my on-line support group and one of the women told a hysterically funny dream she'd had about another member of the group. Can't repeat it here because it involved partial nudity and showing off a well-shaped body part. Jokes were still flying hours later when I checked back in.   Some of the best and funniest speakers I ever heard were recovering alcoholics telling their stories at open AA meetings. Some of the things they did and the situations they got themselves into were, in retrospect, hysterically funny. Without the humor, they'd have been too painful to tell. The funniest stories I tell on myself involve my ADHD and some of the things I've done as a result.   Humor makes pain palatable. I'm not talking about sarcasm or angry ranting expletive deleted humor. Frankly, I don't consider that humor because it tends to be at other's expense. I'm talking about self-deprecating humor. Humor that gently pokes fun at the human condition but doesn't denigrate others.   One of the funniest stories my deceased mother-in-law told involved driving off to work with her teeth on top of the car. One of the funniest stories my son tells is what happened when he tied our 6 month old 75 lb. Chesapeake Bay Retriever to a lightweight charcoal grill in my parent's driveway. Thank God for the passing motorist who chased down the dog and stopped him before the grill chasing the dog down the street caused the dog to drop dead of a heart attack.   These stories and jokes we tell each other can only happen in community. We weren't created to live in isolation. And I firmly believe that God laughs with us. We're created in his image and he loves us with all our foibles so he must have quite a sense of humor. Humor is his gift to us, a gracelet that allows us to be refreshed, renewed, re-created and ready for the next thing life throws at us.   So, even though food addiction is a serious disease, I try not to take myself too seriously. Life is a journey. Look for the smilemarkers along the way.
 

Banding Our Heads

Monday, July 20, 2009   Banding Our Heads     Bandsters have a saying, "If only they could band our heads." They refer to cravings as "head hunger." Over and over they talk about how the lap band is only a tool. Instead of diets, the lap band helps us initiate a lifestyle change. Some still measure, keep food diaries and plans, count calories or carbs or proteins or points, at least during the times they're struggling. But the goal is lifestyle change. Making healthy choices. Not being ruled by food.   Someday, maybe soon, they'll come up with a pill that helps with the head hunger. They're working on it. Until then, we use whatever tools work for us. The lap band is a big one. An amazing number of people are having various forms of weight loss surgery. Like me, they're desperate. Everything else has failed for them. I look at the ads Google puts on my blog page. Some of those things are legitimate. Many are quick fixes that don't work long term. Just the titles make me laugh.   Hope springs eternal, so people continue to try the latest diet fad. What's ironic is that our obsession with weight and dieting is killing us. It's making us fat. It screws up our metabolisms. We end up with metabolic sydrome--insulin resistance--which leads to high blood pressure, high cholesterol and triglycerides, and diabetes.   It would be a whole lot better for us if we all remained a little overweight than if we start the cycle of dieting and gaining the weight back. We weren't meant to stay teenager thin. How ironic that with women we have a cultural obsession to be thinner than women have ever been, yet obesity is reaching epidemic proportions. Forget swine flu or SARs. This is the real epidemic. And its a killer.   As a country we tend to think education can cure anything. I'm sure our already over-burdened educational system is going to be expected to start teaching eating disorders prevention, or nutritional health along with drug prevention and violence prevention and self-esteem lessons. But most of us who are compulsive eaters could get jobs as nutritionists. We have tons of nutritional education yet remain addicted to food. Education is not the cure.   Most of the food industry experiments with products and additives and supersizing and taste sensations just to get us to eat more so they'll profit more. Wouldn't surprise me if the same companies are also heavily invested in weight loss products. It's like the women's magazine covers. There's always a picture of someone who lost weight and a picture of a chocolate cake. What a schizophrenic society we live in.   For me, the biggest resource is God. These blogs are letters to him as well as to myself and whoever else out there is reading them. Essentially, I'm looking at every aspect of my life that contributes to the addiction problem and laying it out before him. Its a way for me to work the 12 steps of any good addiction recovery program.   The band is a tool to control the outward sign of this addiction. But real recovery comes with God's help, working the steps.   1. I'm admitting that I'm powerless over food and its making my life unmanageable. 2 I believe that only a power greater than myself (God) can restore me to sanity. 3. I turn my will and my life over to the care of that higher power. 4. I'm making a searching and fearless moral inventory of myself. 5. I'm admitting to God, to myself, and to another human being the exact nature of my wrongs. 6. I'm becoming entirely ready to have God remove all these defects of character. 7. I'm humbly asking him to remove my shortcomings. 8. I've made a list of all the people I've harmed, and am becoming willing to make amends to them all. 9. I'm making dirct amends to such people wherever possible except when to do so would injure them or others. 10 I continue to take personal inventory and when I'm wrong promptly admit it. 11 I seek through prayer and meditation (and Bible reading) to improve my conscious contact with God and seek only knowledge of his will for me and the power to carry that out. 12. Having had a spiritual awakening as a result of these steps, I try to carry this message to other food addicts and to practice these principles in all my affairs.
 

Relatives--Help or Hindrance

Sunday, July 19, 2009   Relatives--Help or Hindrance     My husband threw out all his night-time treats. Just because he loves me. Pretty cool. I let him know I was struggling with the treats he kept in the house and frequently ate in the evenings while we watched TV and played on our computers. In fact, I was just thinking about the ice cream in the freezer and, oops!, remembered Ken threw it out. Thank God. Thank you, Ken.   This disease is not fair to him. It's not fair that his choices impact me way beyond what they should. He can eat ice cream and then let it sit untouched for weeks. He had a taste for yellow cupcakes with chocolate frosting and decided to make them himself, ate a couple, and let the rest sit. For him, no big deal. For me, unbearable temptation.   I know they're there. Knowing makes them pop into my mind over and over. I have to reject eating them over and over and over. Taking care of myself by being honest with my husband was important for me to do. It's part of working on being less people-pleasing when its to my detriment. It is entirely to his credit that he chose to get rid of the snacks and not to eat snacks at night in front of me. He wants to be with me. It was his main reason for giving up smoking when he married me. He couldn't smoke around me and he wanted to be with me.   He'll probably still keep some treats hidden and eat them when I'm not around. That's fine. Out of sight, out of mind. If I don't know its there it won't be on my mind, either. Chances are Ken'll lose some weight, too, which wouldn't be a bad thing.   Night-time has always been my most difficult time. Food has always helped me wind down. Some people drink alcohol. I eat food--it puts me into a kind of carbohydrate coma. Those carbs generally come with fat attached. Perfect recipe for slowly but surely putting on the weight.   So many factors in eating disorders. It's such a complex disease. Relatives can help or they can hinder. Ideally, we shouldn't need the cooperation of our relatives. We're asking them to be codependent. But we also need to take care of ourselves. There are people who would deliberately sabotage those they profess to love. There are those relatives with the same addiction who have a vested interest in keeping you the same and not letting you change. There are those who don't know addiction at all and urge you to eat--they made it special just for you, it doesn't hurt to have a little once in a while, etc. There are also those who would never humble themselves and give up their right to eat what they want when they want it and might actually insist that buy those things yourself and keep them in the house for them.   With these people you need to have heavy-duty boundaries and perhaps actually keep them at a safe distance or even totally out of your life. I'm blessed that my husband is supportive. I'm blessed that he reads my blog because he wants to know me better and understand what I'm going through.   He's a little angry at having to change his lifestyle to accommodate my disease and he's entitled to be. But we talk about it. We're no longer ignoring the elephant (my eating disorder not me) in the room. I may get to the point where he can go back to eating snacks in front of me and keeping my favorites in the house, but not right now. Not with the reduced restriction I'm experiencing while waiting for my first fill.   Once again, weight loss surgery is a tool, not a solution. If I don't take care of myself in my relationships, it won't be as helpful.
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