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Did Adam and Eve have Bellybuttons?

Wednesday, July 8, 2009   Did Adam and Eve have Bellybuttons?     One of the craziest arguments I ever got into was about whether Adam and Eve had bellybuttons. Some argued that since they were never born they wouldn't have had an umbilical cord. Others argued that they had to have had them or could not have genetically passed them on to their children. This was back when I was a freshman in college and as you can tell, this was a fairly conservative group of Christian young people.   It's a which came first, the chicken or the egg kind of dilemma.   The same thing is true of trying to get at the root causes of compulsive overeating. Their seems to be more and more evidence of brain chemistry at work in food addictions as well as genetic pre-dispositions to having these problems. At the same time, emotional factors seem to play a big role in all eating disorders and for some people seem to have been the trigger for their addictions. Social and spiritual issues are also involved. Chicken or egg?   Likewise, in dealing with compulsive overeating, a variety of tools is needed to find recovery. Some people find it helpful to to keep track of their food and plan it ahead of time. I have no problem with this as long as they don't expect me to do it, too. Just thinking about doing it makes me want to eat.   I don't have a problem with it as long as it doesn't become just another form of the disease, another food obsession, with the restrictions reaching the point of ridiculousness. I knew one man who was genuinely allergic to gluten so he eliminated all gluten from his diet and felt much better. He was no longer heavy but he decided he was addicted to carbs, especially simple carbs and eliminated all carbs other than fruits and vegetables. Then he switched from caffeine to decaf but decided decaf was now an addiction and had to be eliminated. Of course, sugar substitutes were an addiction, and oversized portions were an addiction so he weighed and measured everything. I don't think he ate red meat. His food plan became his bible. He and another woman who didn't have the gluten issue but had been massively overweight and followed the same food plan combined forces and began promoting their food plan in OA meetings.   Many people asked them to be sponsors because they appeared to be successful in conquering their food addiction. Those of us who didn't adopt their plan began to feel like misfits. Eventually they formed their own recovery business, divorced their respective spouses and married each other. When I went back to OA recently I saw a lot of that same mentality.   The fact is that I am totally incapable of that kind of rigidity. I really am officially diagnosed as ADHD and my friends and co-workers know it and joke about it with me. I designed my job so that my assistants would take care of all paperwork and details and organization that drive me crazy. At home my husband does the same. This has freed me up to stop trying to be someone I'm not, and allowed me to do what I'm really good at--teaching and tutoring at-risk students with all my creative juices flowing, with flexibility and the ability to change lesson plans in a heartbeat and fly by the seat of my pants in a new direction when the situation needs it.   Many of the emotional issues that contribute to my eating disorder arise from being an ADHD girl in a school, church, and social setting where that was not acceptable (it hadn't even been given a name, yet). Its taken me a long time to learn to love my ADHD and the gifts its given me. I can't be around people who trigger that old shame from my childhood, people who think that everyone should be able to recover using the same rigid techniques.   This past year I really saw and measured the progress my students made over time, I saw ideas I had bloom and take on a life of their own in ways that really helped and will help the school. My classroom and my work have been enormously blessed. My ability to see the big picture and implement a long-term vision for my classroom paid off. My classroom is where I am most myself, where my ADHD is my biggest asset.   I think that's partly what gave me the courage to go ahead with the lapband. I picked a tool that works for me and coordinates well with my ADHD. Instead of ADHD being the trigger for compulsive overeating, I'm letting it be part of the cure. This blog is evidence of that.   I am becoming the person God has always meant for me to be. I am doing the good work he set aside for me to do. I will not be made over into the image of those who would shame me for not being like them. I want to be made over more and more into his image. I want to hear, "Well done my good and faithful servant. Enter into my rest."
 

Half Way There!

Wednesday, August 19, 2009   Half Way There!     I've reached the halfway point! Whoo-hoo!   Thirty-five pounds lost. Thirty-five to go. People are starting to notice. The ones who know I've had lapband often seem hesitant to say something. Others seem puzzled. I've also been growing my hair out and its quite long. So they don't always know what's different about me or what to choose to comment on. Plus, people are no longer sure whether its OK to comment on someone's weight. Complementing someone on losing means they were too heavy before. I enjoy watching people's faces and seeing their dilemma over what to say if anything.   For a while, it was like the fatter I got, the shorter I cut my hair. Now its long enough to put into a Pebbles Flintstone pony tail. All I need is a bone. That was definitely not a cute look when I was heavier, but I kind of like it now. It gives me an instant facelift. Its also cool on these hot days. When its down around my shoulders and framing my face it feels like a soft cloud. I love my hair right now.   Found an outfit in my closet from a few years ago that I hung on to that fits me right now. Kind of Hawaiian. I wore it to a meeting with some coworkers who haven't seen me since May. It was fun to wear something I haven't been able to wear for several years.   I've been looking for clothes at thrift stores to supplement some of my older clothes. I have no intention of spending much money on clothes that might not fit for long. I don't like to shop very much and searching through racks and racks of poorly organized clothes drives me a little crazy, but it sure saves me money.   I did go to one store that's run by mostly Dutch people. Now there, I think they measure the clothes to get the size if its missing, all sizes are in the right place, clearly marked, and you could eat off the floors.   I like reinventing myself. This is just exterior stuff. Its like playing dress up. New body, new clothes, new hair.   Changing the inside, that's a little more work. But I'm doing it. My health is better. I'm off 3 1/2 scripts and 2 supplements. My neck is giving me less trouble. I'm sleeping better.   I'd also say that I've really been dealing with all the issues behind the eating. Guilt, shame, resentment, codependency, ADHD/ADD, emotional eating. Complex issues that all affect compulsive eating.   But today was for celebrating. For counting my blessings. For thanking God for 35 pounds lost and getting half way to goal. Yea God. Yea Cheri. Hip, hip, hooray.
 

Second Childhood

Wednesday, August 5, 2009   Second Childhood     I want to be like a little kid. When I go babysit my grandkids I'm totally there to play with them. I'm not there to clean the house or do the dishes or cook. Its not that I don't heat up food and serve it and, of course, I change dirty diapers, but mostly I just want to play.   I may read books, sing nursery rhymes, bounce them on my knee while singing Yankee Doodle Dandy, walk around the block, tickle, wrestle, dance, or pretend.   Pretending is great fun. My four-year old grandson, David, made up the game "baby bird." I lay on the bed with my knees up and he crawls under my knees and pretends to hatch from an egg. His little brother tries to do the same thing. We do this many times before they get tired of it.   Then David reaches up and pulls the string to turn off the light above the bed and we all pretend its night. They both crawl under the covers next to me and I start to snore. Then David sneaks out from under the covers, turns the light back on, and crows like a rooster to wake me up. I startle awake and he laughs everytime.   Lately, when we go for walks, he wants me to pretend to be "that mean lady." He tells me to be cross. He means Cruella DeVille. Then we go around the block and I order him to steal Dalmatian puppies. He goes and finds a "puppy" and puts it in a "cage" behind the bulldozer he's driving.   When I'm with my three-year old granddaughter, Skyler, the first thing she does is tell me, "You want to make a castle with me. Let's go get the blocks." This is not a request. She also looks for the presents I've given her so we can play with those. One year old Leah wants me to read to her. She likes the wierd voices I use. She loves to point to pictures and show off all the words she knows.   Without grandkids, I wouldn't sit in sandboxes and build sandcastles. I wouldn't wade in little pools. I wouldn't squirt with the hose. I wouldn't chase the kids through splash pads at the park. I wouldn't push them on swings and bounce them on teeter-totters. I wouldn't sit in the bathroom and let them play in the tub as long as they want.   I have patiently put together intricate railroad systems and built log cabins and cool castles only to watch them get destroyed in less than 5 seconds. And then I do it over again.   I'm never in a hurry or rush them through things. I am totally in the moment with them.   You know, I never eat or think about food while I'm actually playing with my grandkids. When they watch TV its a different story, but I have really made it a point now to do things with them and basically they make sure I do. I'm better than TV.   Arthritis limits me to a certain extent as did the weight, but now that I've lost 30 lbs I'm having more fun than ever with my grandkids.   Fun. Play. Dance. Laugh. These are all much better things to do than eat.   Jesus said you have to have the faith of a little child to enter into his Kingdom. He said the Kingdom belonged to the children.   I guess I've entered my second childhood.
 

The Band is Good, Life is Good, God is Good.

Friday, January 1, 2010   The Band is Good, Life is Good, God is Good.     Last night my husband and I went to see Avatar. Incredible! The new 3-D technology is amazing. The world they created was stunningly beautiful and the action was out of this world--literally. I ate movie popcorn for the first time in forever. Then we went to Barnes and Nobles and read for a while and I had a Starbucks Mocha Latte (decaf). Spent the evening watching Wild Hogs and then playing with the new Wii. Nice New Year's Eve.   Despite movie popcorn and starbucks mocha yesterday I was down a pound today. Probably the exercise I got yesterday (went walking for over an hour) and the fact that in addition I only had a protein shake and a little turkey and some milk in my coffee yesterday. So just one more holiday lb to go. I can't believe how well I weathered this holiday. Thank you God, thank you band.   You know, I'm not dealing with depression much lately. I guess you don't realize how much of it has gone because it goes away so gradually, but today I realized how positive I'm feeling. I have a happy light I sit under at night while I combine watching TV with Facebook, Lapbandtalk, and occasionally writing in my blog. I also take mega doses of Vitamin D. Both have helped me considerably. Losing weight and getting back in shape might not have happened without them and now the weight loss and physical health are making me feel great.   I think I've really been working on that "change your thoughts, change your brain, change your life thing." Keeping my Phillipians verses in mind--I am content, no matter what my circumstance, I can do all things through him who strengthens me, and thinking about what is good and noble and lovely, have all been part of the process. I've done some dumping and ranting on here and on lapbandtalk but that was just cleaning out the garbage.   I have always been at my highest level of energy in the morning and days when there's sunlight I get a lot accomplished. Days when there's not I can really drag at home. Fortunately, my classroom is well lit with florescents and has huge windows on the south side. It also has locked iron gates over them because they're at ground level in a very bad neighborhood, but I don't notice them anymore. I'm going to buy vines and twine them through and add flowers.   Now that my holiday cold is just remnants I've been continuing work on closets and sorting jewelry and cleaning. Won't get as much done this vacation as I would if I'd been healthy but, oh well. Today the sun was shining though it was cold outside, so I stayed in my well-lit living/dining room and got a lot done.   Today I totally forgot about eating. I kept drinking coffee with milk and my husband had mixed some choc.raspberry flavored real cofee in with my decaf. I didn't realize I hadn't eaten till 4 p.m. So I stewed all my turkey meat from Sunday and added peas and canned gravy. Yummm! But I didn't eat too much. Bet I'm down another lb. by tomorrow.   I spent hours on the phone today talking to each of my brothers and sisters. (I'm the oldest of five.) My husband found my headset so I was able to pace while I talked and eventually started cleaning. So now I've got the Wii to keep me busy at night and I'm making a NY resolution to call my brothers and sisters more in the evenings. My one brother lives in CA and the other in MI. I have a sister in TN and another who lives 40 minutes from me but who's 15 yrs younger than me and has a very busy family. One of her daughters (6th grade) has been having increased epileptic seizures and she's been very busy Dr.ing with her and being available to get her from school. I don't see her that much so I'm going to try calling her more.   My sister would love it if I could come and work with my neice as the seizure disorder is accompanied by learning disabilities and she's really struggling in school now. My daughter also wants me to attend my grandson's meeting so she has someone knowledgeable on her side when she insists on official accommodations for him. If I'm not working next year I'd be able to work with both of them, my neice and my grandson.   I finished emptying several drawers in our bedroom. My husband was so happy to get 6 drawers in our bedroom and half a closet in the den next door. He'll get rid of the rubbermaid dresser in the other sitting room which also has only half a closet so he was hanging things on the back of the door. That will make that room so much roomier. Once we get the basement fixed up again either the little den or the little sitting room will become a guest bedroom and the furniture will go downstairs.   I'll be able to entertain and have grandchildren stay overnight. My parents will probably be selling their house and going into a retirement village so my relatives will need a place to come and maybe I'll actually have a place everyone can gather.   Although I am going to have my two grandsons stay overnight tomorrow night. I have a blow-up bed I'll put in the living room for one grandson and put the other one on the couch. I'm leaving up my Christmas stuff so they can see it and fall asleep looking at the lights on the Christmas tree. I loved doing that when I was little.   We'll take down the Christmas decorations on Sunday. I think we're down to 4 or 5 bins. Over time things get broken.   My husband cleaned the basement floor which is now down to the concrete so my grandsons can play down there. I have a corner table with benches and chairs (70's orange naugahyde era) and my 5 yr. old grandson and I will build a lincoln log town on it. My daughter's bringing some riding toys with so they can ride them in the basement. The 2 yr old will love that.   We've got the Wii to teach my 5 yr. old--he'll love the boxing, and we have Candyland and my husband's diecast model cars which they know they have to be very careful playing with and they are. My daughter will bring along a few other favorites.   She needs the break. The boys are extremely ranbunctious for the 4-5 hours before bedtime with the 2 yr old refusing to leave the autistic 5 yr old alone. He's a little bulldozer and finally the five yr old gets mad and shoves him or throws something at him. The 2 yr old always has a new contusion on his face every time I see him. My daughter is exhausted. Her husband works nights and a lot of overtime.   Maybe you can tell I'm really excited about having them overnight. The hard part will be getting them to go to sleep in strange surroundings. Also, the 5 yr. old consistently wakes up at 6 and I've been sleeping till 8. LOL. Will get me back into Monday-go-back-to-work mode.   I'm so glad we got the water and mold problem resolved in the basement. Its ugly as sin down there but I can have people over again.   I'm feeling really optimistic about the new year. I'm very confident my husband will get some kind of work. Lots of security guard work available and they actually like guys his age with a good work history. Waitin' on his official PI certificate (that's what security guards need in IL) to arrive, but he's been filling out all kinds of applications on line and sending resumes.   Roseland Christian School should finish out the school year OK which means I'll have a salary till next Sept. no matter what. If DH is employed and I get unemployment I'll have time next summer to work on employment and going back to school. Possibly rearrange my life completely. Or not. I'm doing the footwork but the results are in God's hands.   So, another humongous post. Probably the last one for awhile as I'll be going back to work Monday. And trying to set up a course this semester that will apply towards my Masters in Sp. Ed. That will keep me busy, also. Less time to eat.   God is good all the time, All the time, God is good.
 

Curmudgeons, Stress, and Food

Sunday, December 20, 2009   Curmudgeons, Stress, and Food     I must be getting to be a regular curmudgeon. There is nothing on TV worth watching, or, if there is, its so buried in the 500+ cable choices I can't find it. My husband keeps recording the wierdest movies on the off chance one of them might actually be good. If they're "good" in the artistic sense, they're usually depressing.   I just can't sustain interest in them. I'm going to have to buy some books or go out every day so I'm not bored out of my mind this whole vacation.   I go on Lapband Talk and Facebook, but I've hidden so many people on Facebook and I never play games on there anymore. Facebook is becoming really boring, too. I still enjoy Lapband talk most of the time.   Christmas is tough. I so look forward to vacation but then I'm bored most of the days. I just want to get out of the house. I'll get some projects done, go see grandchildren, attend a few parties, and wish I had friends and money so I could actually go out and do more. Activities that don't involve food (and are cheap) are few and far between.   Working really makes it hard to have friends. Being a little wierd makes it even harder. The ADHD really interferes with friendship. I can't seem to not put my foot in my mouth. It's like I put the ADHD right out there in front and challenge people to like me anyway. Mostly I just scare them.   I just looked at the courses required to get my masters in reading or even an endorsement in reading. They look horrible. It would take several years to finish it, by which time I'll be 60.   RCS, where I work, is in deep do-do with the IRS due to several years of not paying their employee's social security taxes because they just didn't have the money to pay it. Bad decision. Didn't let people know the financial trouble the school was in. Now, despite the school being very well run by a new administration, and arrangements being made to pay back the IRS, RCS assets have been frozen. Certain funding came in and other funds were quickly raised to keep the school running and the teacher's checks from bouncing, but who knows what will happen next school year, or even second semester.   I know I could teach rings around a lot of teachers with masters degrees, but that degree makes me more hirable in my field. But I really don't want to go back to school. At all, ever again. I'm about ready to forget going back to school after looking at the courses I'd need to take. Maybe I'll do what my husband did and get security guard training. That's an area you can always get a job. Joke. For me anyway. Annie get your gun. For him, though, he can get a better class job maybe working a high rise or becoming a dispatcher, which you still need the security guard training and private detective license. He's about as intimidating as Barney Fife, but for a lot of these jobs you don't need to be intimidating at all. He can supplement social security income or work full-time if things get tough and we need benefits.   The Lord is going to have to provide. I'm giving up. It is just not worth it to get a masters. I'm going to try meeting with the school, but I don't need to be taking on student loans either. God has always made a way for me where there was no way. I'm going to have to trust him.   I had a good food day today--after two days of relative pigging out (not anywhere near like without the band). My stress level has been at its highest in a long time. And food is everywhere. I'm surrounded by all my favorite pig out food.   Some things I can't talk about on my blog, like family difficulties--because some relatives read this blog or talk to others about it. I hesitate to even talk about Roseland's difficulties. But these have been high stress points in my life right now. My financial situation, the problems with my house, these I can talk about. Myself, my ADHD,and my own psychological and personal issues I can talk about. But going "nekkid" about my family is another thing.   I've been able to write about those things on LapbandTalk where anything that could make us eat is fair game. But its been a long time since I had a good personal friend with whom it was safe to talk about anything and who also knows how to have fun. When I was in Alanon I had those kind of friends. When I was part of a singles group I also found some women with whom I became quite close. We, of course, had a major interest in common-in the first case, having been married to or impacted by a relative's drinking-in the second case having gone through divorce and now cautiously putting our feet in the water in the dating scene.   Now, I resort to the internet to find people with the same interest (the lapband and dealing with food) as me. I write in my blog to deal with many of my issues. But I really miss having a friend. Or two. Or three. I have work friends. But we don't socialize outside of work. At least I don't. We don't live close. We're all busy. Some of the young teachers have formed friendships, but most of them leave after a few years. It's also been difficult to make friends at church for various reasons--which again, I can't talk about on this blog.   So I can be surrounded by people and yet feel very alone. It could be that I'm really a loner. I've been thinking about that lately. I seem very social but am I? I'm very nervous in social settings and take refuge in food. I do well around just one or two people. So I'm not a loner, I just prefer more in-depth conversations where you actually get to know people. I just don't have much opportunity for that.   So, this is me being a curmudgeon. Exasperated by the current limits on my life, stressed by the personal, financial, family, and job related problems, and I can't even find a TV show to hold my interest.   But choir sounded good today. We sang twice. My husband now has the training to get a decent job. I'm still getting lots of compliments on my weight loss.   So God is good, even to curmudgeons. And he loves ADHD semi-loners who don't want to go back to school. He holds me in the palm of his hand. He's my Daddy. My Abba, Father. And he has plans for me.
ifyourstomachoffendsyou

ifyourstomachoffendsyou

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Panic!

Thursday, July 16, 2009   Panic!     I have no more real restriction. Unless I eat dry meat only (like deli meat or ground turkey) I can keep right on eating. My stomach must have shrunk from loss of swelling as well as less food and has lost some of its surrounding fat as I lost 27 lbs. So now the band is relatively loose. I'm also feeling hungry in between meals. As soon as I realized it I called my Dr. to make an appointment for my first fill. Unfortunately I can't get in till August 11. That means that from now until then I'm going to be going on willpower alone.   It's amazing how comforting it was knowing I couldn't eat more than a certain amount without causing myself discomfort. I would feel that approaching fullness and know that I didn't want to PB (productive burp where the stuck food comes right back up with the burp relieving the discomfort), nor did I want to be slimed--think how your mouth starts watering when you smell food or even think about it. You've already started the digestive process, only the extra phlegm that helps wash down and moisten your food overproduces after a BP and there's no room in your tiny tummy so it comes back up while still being produced. Gross, I know. And enough to make you not overeat. Experiencing this phenomena once was enough.   I just about had a panic attack when I actually felt hunger for the first time since before my surgery. I don't know how to handle hunger. Most of the time I avoided it by eating before I felt it. Every diet I've ever been on was made miserable by having to endure hunger combined with cravings. I can remember following good diet advice--don't go to a party hungry, you'll overeat. So I would eat ahead of time and still binge on the party food.   On Oprah, Oprah tends to ask the question what are you hungry for. She tends to go with the emotional eating pardigm. Well, I'm hungry for food. Sure, codependency and ADHD and, for sure, confrontation, all trigger binges in me. But I just plain like food. I love chocolate in just about every way possible. I love spicy foods, whether Mexican, Thai, Ethiopian, Chinese, or Indian.   I love the rich smoothness of chocolate and ice cream, the crunchy saltiness of chips and cheetos, the smell and flavor of meats fixed many different ways. I really don't care for raw veggies and green peppers taste horrible and can wreck the flavor if used too freely in sauces. I don't like crunching into uncooked onions in a hot dish. I love onions that are used to flavour food, not give it texture. I have strong likes and dislikes. I like fruit if its fresh and really sweet. I eat cake and donuts for the frosting and fillings and frequently throw out the rest. I'll eat the chocolate chips out of a cookie and throw out the cookie. I don't want cottage cheese in my jello or nuts in most sweet things unless they're chocolate candy. I am triggered by food--the sight, smell, and taste of it, and I have very strong taste and texture preferences. Tomato sauce is great, raw tomtoes not so much. The lap band was keeping me safe and now its not. Not till August 11. There are people with lap bands who actually gain weight during this waiting period (pun intended.) I read the posts from http://www.lapbandtalk.com/ and people are full of fear during this time period. They know what its like to try to do it on willpower and, like me, have failed miserably over and over again.   Phillipians 4:12 says: I know what it is to be in need, and I know what it is to have plenty. I know the secret of being content in any and every situation, whether well fed or hungry, whether living in plenty or in want. I can do everything through him who gives me strength.   Pray for me!
 

Food Addiction and Sensory Issues

Friday, July 17, 2009   Food Addiction and Sensory Issues     After I wrote yesterday's blog I started thinking about my strong preferences for spicy food and strong aversion to green peppers (not to mention raw carrots and celery.) I remember a few years back there was some buzz in the dieting community about controlling weight through scents or little drops of flavoring. Can't remember which it was but a drop was either tasted or sniffed and that was supposed to satisfy cravings.   I suspect that method backfired and sent many testees with food addiction racing to the nearest grocery store. The product never made it to the diet shelves, but I think that there may be some merit to the idea that food addicts have more sensitive taste buds.   I wondered if the fact that I crave certain tastes, smells, and textures was somehow related to being ADHD. ADHD can be closely related to sensory integration issues in people. People with sensory issues often find some things too overwhelming for their senses while craving sensory input in other areas. Their senses aren't balanced. When they crave sensory input they may try parachuting or some other highly stimulating and risky behavior. Other times they may find the presense of a lot of people and commotion overwhelming and need to get totally away from it.   I can relate to both sides of that. I love singing on praise teams, acting in skits and am quite comfortable talking with a mike in front of large groups of people. Something in me turns on. I like to hold people's attention and it's partly what makes me an effective teacher. Being on stage stimulates me, but being in a big crowd of people (unless I'm outdoors) can overwhelm me. I start feeling claustrophobic and need to get out of there. I'll go home after talking all day and listening to kids talk and then I go home and don't even want my poor husband to talk to me. I'm in recovery mode.   So it does not surprise me that I'm full of strong likes and dislikes when it comes to food. I now enjoy fish but the smell used to make me avoid it. I don't like the texture of larger shrimp, but I now eat baby shrimp. I have recently started liking nutty whole grain breads, so my tastes are changing or my sensory needs are diminishing.   I don't think you'll ever see me substituting carrots or celery for crunchy snacks. I'd rather just do without the crunchy snacks. In fact, you won't hardly every see me eating raw vegetables. I much prefer them cooked. And if you're going to cook them, cook them long enough to be able to get a fork in them. I hate it when my fork bounces off the cooked vegetables. I mean, why did anyone bother turning on the stove?   I'm watching the salt now because of my blood pressure but I think dieticians absolutely have it wrong when they say cook it without salt and add the salt later. If you don't cook with the salt the flavor doesn't get into the food and you end up adding more and more salt to try to get it there.   So where am I going with this? I think it could be that people with strong food cravings may be seeking sensory input. They may eat the things they know they're supposed to eat but then they go looking for the food they really were craving and don't stop eating it until that sensory issue is met. Diets fail because diet food doesn't provide the sensory input food addicts crave, and they frequently try to force food addicts to eat food they abhor just because its "good for them"   I'm glad I've got the band because if I get carried away be a craving, the band will tell me when I've satisfied the craving and give my brain time to catch up and acknowledge it. I believe it takes the brain 20 minutes to recognize satiety which is why people can continue eating even after being full. My band won't let me do that, especiallly if I'm filling it with protein first.   So what do I do about the sensory issues? I think excersize can be a big part of meeting those needs. Currently my arthitis is limiting me to walking, but at least its summer and I can walk outside and get the extra stimulation provided by the elements of sun, fresh air, green plants and trees, flowers, and nice scenery.   Playing games on Facebook at night, checking the lapbandtalk website, and blogging give me mental stimulation and keep my hands busy. I may have to invest in a Wii. I think I could get into that.   With our economic situation I'm pretty much reduced to what I can do at home or visiting grandchildren, but, as grandma, I don't have to clean their house or cook their food or do their laundry. I can go out and sit in the sandbox and build sand castles or take them for a walk to the park or to visit the "neigh-neighs" (horses.) I can wade in the pool with them and get into water fights. I can help them blow bubbles. I can get all the hugs and kisses I want. Talk about sensory input.   And let's not forget singing and dancing before the Lord. I can always do more of that.
 

Guilt, Shame, and Other Ineffective Motivators

Saturday, June 27, 2009   Guilt, Shame, and Other Ineffective Motivators     Let me get this right out in front. Food addiction is not sin. Glorying in it is. Flaunting it is. Refusing to do anything about it is.   Using willpower doesn't work for long except in very anal people, which I am not. For most of us, this is the thorn in the flesh that God refuses to remove, despite ernest prayer and pleas. Different methods work for different people, but having people guilt you, shame you, humiliate you, preach at you, quote Bible verses to you, tell you you just need willpower, or to pray harder, doesn't work. In fact, most of these things backfire, cause even more guilt and shame than we already carry, and drive us deeper into the food.   Scientists are working on drugs that work on those addiction centers of the brain that control the cravings for over-eating as well as other addictions. This is a brain-based disease and most of us can trace the cravings back to early childhood whether our bodies reflected the disorder or not.   Most of us have fought long and hard to contain the cravings. Yet the disease grows along with our hopelessness. We lose weight only to regain it with interest.   In addition to the cravings for the substance itself, food is a proven numbing medication for issues like sexual and physical abuse, service to others at the expense of taking care of ourselves, stuffing our feelings and not speaking up for ourselves, depression, and in my case I would add, ADHD.   For me, food helps me concentrate and sit still. The restlessness that overwhelms me, the stillness and concentration that society and social convention require from me are brought under control with food--especially chocolate.   This is the only addiction that requires you to indulge it 3x a day. We can't live with food and we can't live without it.   Don't judge us. Don't give us advice. Pray for us. Love us. Accept us the way we are. This is a disease of silence. but our bodies speak louder than our words. Encourage us to break our silence, to talk about the pain of our condition--which is the human condition, under which all creation groans, waiting for that final redemption.
 

Wow!

Sunday, June 28, 2009   Wow!     Wow! I just reread yesterday's post. I must have had that one percolating for a long time.   I wonder if those of you who don't really struggle with this eating disorder know what its like to sit and listen when you make comments about other people's weight, when you brush off the seriousness of the disease by saying, "Oh, everyone struggles with that!"   No, they don't. Other people may have to watch their weight or think they have to watch their weight. They may have a few pounds to lose. If they are successful they are quick to tell everyone what worked for them, especially to those who have much more to lose than they did. But they don't wake up fixated on what food they'll eat that day. Food doesn't dominate their lives. It hasn't wrecked their health.   So many women talk about their weight and their need to lose pounds when the only thing wrong with them is poor body image and falling for the fashion industries anorexic portrayal of what women are supposed to look like.   Most of us who have this disease would give almost anything to look like you. I would give anything to look the way I did as a teenager--when I thought I was fat and first started dieting.   You may never directly have criticized us or put us down. You may never directly have implied that we should have more willpower. You don't have to. We internalize all the looks and comments you make about others and about yourselves and your imaginary fat. We supply the shame ourselves.   And shame turns into blame. It's society's fault, it's my parent's fault, it's emotional eating, it's the result of being depressed, ADHD, whatever.   Those can be contributing factors. But basically, we were born with a predisposition to food addiction--some more severely than others. This is not gluttony. We eat out of compulsion. Some days we fight the compulsion more successfully than others.   Some of the shame we feel dies away when we know and can accept that those compulsions are part of the way we were made, like the color of our eyes, or having knock knees. Seeking medical solutions is a healthy way to take care of ourselves--like my granddaughter getting orthotics to help straighten out her rapidly growing legs to prevent future problems.   Praise God for supplying our needs medically--for inspiring Dr.s to come up with improved methods to help us beat this life-threatening disease. Maybe we need to come up with marathons and walkathons and purple ribbons to raise money and awareness and to show support for those of us fighting this disease. Purple because our hearts are wounded. Purple because all the other good colors are taken. Purple because we too, are God's childen. That makes us royalty.
 

Trivia

Monday, June 29, 2009   Trivia     Lost between 15-20 lbs.   Ate Tilapia and Cauliflower twice today. Ate tiny bites well-chewed, but still, real food.   Egg whites need to have milk, dash salt, chili pepper, and ground pepper, fork whipped, fried in Pam, and sprinkled with low-fat Mexican cheese. Otherwise throw them out.   Get 32 oz. fluid intake and your milk intake by using decaf coffee poured over ice with milk and Splenda. Sip slowly and enjoy. One in the morning, one in the afternoon.   Refried beans with green chiles, sprinkled with low-fat Mexican cheese, with green hot sauce, tastes pretty good and gives you protein.   Protein comes before everything else. Eat it first and most. The stomach doesn't hold a lot and the body needs protein to heal and to keep the body from losing muscle while losing weight.   Feel free to fart frequently
 

More Cause for Rejoicing

Sunday, September 13, 2009   More Cause for Rejoicing     Lost 2 more pounds. I had a feeling I was about to lose it. My band is looser and I'm feeling less restriction. That's because the fat pad around the stomach that the band rests on is shrinking. But my scale was not yet showing it because fat weight is often replaced temporarily by water weight. So I've now lost 42 lbs.   So now I've got to be careful till my next fill. I have to go in for my three month check-up. I'll try to coordinate a fill to go with it. I really need some new clothes. Fall clothes. I'm going to have to run to a thrift shop. Hopefully next week won't be so crazy busy. I hate shopping, especially at thrift shops.   I spent most of today playing outdoors with my grandsons. Beautiful day. Beautiful kids. This was definitely a day that the Lord made, and I rejoiced in it.
ifyourstomachoffendsyou

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Apologies

Tuesday, June 30, 2009   Apologies     I had an excellent comment on my post of 2 days ago. Although I did not mean to trivialize the difficulties of thinner people who struggle with food, it came off that way. People who are thin can also struggle with food obsession and addiction and are as desperate as those who show the disease outwardly. I'm putting the comment out here as today's post. It's said better than I could ever say it.   "I would just like to add something to this posting. Being a certain weight does not always determine the severity of an eating disorder. "Skinny" or "normal weight" people (that may not be obviously struggling with food issues) may be dealing with food addiction/aversion issues far worse than their outward appearance shows. Bulimia, anorexia, and generalized disordered eating are unfortunately extremely common now, and these eating disorders cause serious health problems that can be fatal- just like food addiction and overeating. Also, "poor body image" and "falling for the fashion industry's body prototype" are serious issues that plague many women and should not be taken lightly...just like food addiction shouldn't. Many of the comments that women make that cause hurt for others are simply an indication that they have some sort of food issue of their own they are struggling with. I think it is important to remember that when we see someone who may look perfect to the outside world, they are just as likely to be struggling with food issues as anyone else. Like you said- these are diseases. Disorders and diseases associated with food don't always make people overweight (and therefore aren't always easy to spot). Disorders associated with food also rarely have anything to do with the persons actual outside appearance, so the "lucky" people who are thin and appear fit do not always see themselves the way others do. In fact, they can be just as tortured by food addiction and disease as people who are overweight and addicted to food. "   Thank you for that much needed correction and insight
 

10 minutes, 10 months, 10 years

Monday, September 14, 2009   10 minutes, 10 months, 10 years     Talked with my 7th grade girls group about the 10,10,10 principle, which is a way of helping you make decisions. We make decisions just about every moment and we need to ask ourselves what would the results be, good and bad, 10 minutes from now, 10 months from now, and 10 years from now.   I thought about how that applied to food and how something that looks good right now and would satisfy our craving right now (or maybe not) ends up cumulatively as weight gain 10 months down the road which 10 years down the road puts us on the path of high blood pressure, high, cholesterol, high blood sugar, and prone to heart disease, strokes, Alzheimers, breast and colon cancer, Dr.s' bills, food bills, wardrobe bills, loss of income from not being able to work as well or at all, shame, etc.,etc., etc.   Of course, for my kids, the consequences of bad decisions now, like just going outside and walking around at night in high risk neighborhoods, can be fatal. Told them I didn't want to be visiting their graves, or their jail cells, or them struggling to raise 3 babies from 3 different fathers.   None of them thinks any of that could ever happen to them, but they were almost all telling about dangerous situations with kids showing them guns, bangers trying to sweet talk them, predators trying to talk them into their vehicles, and they find it very exciting.   The part of their brain that foresees the potential consequences of their actions is not fully developed until the mid-20s, but stupid actions we all took when we were young didn't usually have the severe consequences that my 7th graders are more likely to experience. Some of these consequences for bad choices didn't exist. HIV, getting shot, crack cocaine, meth--its not like there weren't drugs available but they weren't so instantly addictive. Teenage pregnancy existed but it wasn't as widespread, nor was it an accepted way of life.   I'm hoping to give these kids a tool, 10-10-10 to get these kids to think beyond immediate gratification.   10 minutes from now, 10 months from now, 10 years from now. Puts things in perspective. For me, for them.  
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Keys to Weight Loss and Maintenance

Maintenance scares me. I'm getting a fill to help me maintain. I'm to the point where I just need a tweak. But I can eat too much, especially at night. I'm working on my issues. I don't journal my food, being ADHD makes me go crazy trying to keep track of details, it just makes me want to eat, so I journal my food-related issues on lapbandtalk and on my blog. I frequently focus on my ADHD, my codependancy, my arthritis related pain, etc.   I also work on my mental state by focusing on the good things in my life. Philippians 4:8 says, Finally brothers(and sisters), whatever is true, , whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is admirable--if anything is excellent or praiseworthy--think about such things. Change your thoughts, change your brain, change your life.   I'm working on creating that paradigm shift inside my brain to help turn off the emotional cravings for food.   I rely on God to fill the spiritual hunger, particularly through staying involved in my church, especially the music (praise) ministry, which for me is a whole body, mind, and spirit experience.   The exercise I'm getting and the high protein diet are actually very good for the ADHD. And I'm an Alanon veteran who knows the value of letting go and letting God deal with the dysfunctional people in my life. I still work the 12 steps when it comes to wanting to control people and places and things. That helps.   I'm practicing contentment, being content in all my circumstances, good and bad, knowing that I can do all things through him who strengthens me. That's from Phillipians 4: 11-14.   I'm also practicing balance, which is part of contentment. I don't want to get addicted to continued weight loss, or to exercise, or to work, or to church, or to people, or to anything. Maintaining balance helps me maintain balance in my food.   I try to do what I'm good at and put my focus there instead of on trying to be good at things I'll never be good at. As an ADHD person, I have others who keep me organized. I try not to let anyone guilt me into doing things I'm not good at or that will knock me out of balance.   What I do well, I make myself better at. What I'm good at is teaching. What I'm good at is building relationships with children that make them want to learn. I help them experience success and then make that snowball. I observe their learning style and find the blocks as well as the strengths and then I experiment with methods and materials that I think might help until I find what does.   I pour all my energy and love into what is an incredibly rewarding job, working with academically at-risk students from one of the communities with the highest rates of murder in the city of Chicago.   For relaxation and fun, I play with and take care of my grandchildren who always make me laugh.   These things helped me lose the weight. They should help me maintain.   Cheri
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Progress Isn't Just Measured in Pounds Lost.

Saturday, August 1, 2009   Progress Isn't Just Measured in Pounds Lost.     In 12-step programs there is a saying: Progress not Perfection. I wrote in response to a comment on a post: Progress isn't just measured in pounds lost. I came home late last night and tried to write my blog but couldn't. I kept falling asleep. I reread what I wrote and thank God I didn't publish the post. I could not get my thoughts together.   Part of what threw me was that I wasn't yet able to write about having had a chocolate malt while I was out with my husband. Intellectually, I don't believe there was anything wrong with that. It was a conscious choice on my part to allow myself a treat. But the subconscious fear was also there, waiting to sabotage me. Will this trigger me to start eating a lot of carbs again?   There are a lot of so-called experts out there who believe that carbs, especially simple carbs like sugar, trigger binges. They may be right. But a freshly made turkey or a spit-roasted chicken can do the same to me and according to the gurus, protein isn't supposed to do that. So was the malt the healthiest choice I could have made? No. Was it a bad choice? No. What's going to make me binge? The malt or the guilt? I vote guilt.   Today, I am right back on my protocol. I may eat a little less to make up for yesterday's extra calories. I may not. I am one of those "get a phone call may travel" kinds of people. Some days I have an idea what I'm going to do for lunch and supper, other days I don't. I always leave myself open to possibilities.   So is progress not ever having a chocolate malt? Or is progress making it a conscious choice to have a treat and then getting right back on my food protocol? Is progress pretending I didn't have that chocolate malt or going ahead and writing about it and working through the issues it brought up?   I think you know where my vote lies.   All things in moderation is a very Biblical concept. Do I want to flaunt that chocolate malt and lead others astray who might not be able to handle it? No. I would not flaunt alcohol in front of an alcoholic either. What's right for me is not right for everyone. We learn the difference through trial and error.   Let me tell you. I see so many people beating themselves up for gaining a lb., not reaching a certain BMI, falling off their food protocol, losing too slowly. I think they would be better off keeping a progress journal with entries like: My stomach doesn't stick out farther than my boobs. I can sleep on my stomach. I'm not snorting myself awake. I can cross my legs now. I can walk for over an hour. I had a treat and got right back to my food protocol. I didn't binge. Good for me!   I've said this before in an early blog: Don't "should" on yourself. Don't "should" on others. Don't let other people "should" on you (don't internalize their criticisms.) Or, as the Bible says, "Judge not that ye be not judged."
 

Look for the Smilemarkers

Tuesday, July 21, 2009   Look for the Smilemarkers     A sliver of moon was showing in the sky the other day while I was playing outside with my grandson, David (4yrs). As usual he wanted to know why. I told him the moon wanted to play with him. Later he was drinking chocolate milk on the front porch and said, "The moon is drinking chocolate milk. He has a chocolate milk mustache."   I love it when a four year old can use his imagination and make a joke. I love it when a four year old accidentally amuses me. David was riding in the van with his dad when he announced, "I want my crocs (sandals)." His dad stopped the car and asked him what he was wearing on his feet. David replied in all seriousness, "Dad, I'm wearing my toes."   Children and laughter go hand in hand. I love being a grandmother and not having to do much of anything when I babysit but enjoy the kids. My two year old granddaughter loves to play hide and seek in her house. She always hides in her closet and she always tells me she's going to hide in her closet. When I try to go home she frequently tells me I'm hungry and I need to eat in order to keep me there. LOL. She already knows my weakness.   There's a lot of evidence that laughter is good medicine. The Reader's Digest knew that before there were studies proving it.   I use a lot of silly humor when I teach. To teach the ang sound I have a picture-card of a vampire with fangs showing. I'll put on my best Transylvanian accent, make my hands into claws, and say," I vant to bite your neck; I vish to suck your blood." The kids all shriek and laugh and are more likely to remember that ang makes the sound you hear in fang.   I have a game that involves tossing a soft ball back and forth between me and a group of kids while saying math facts. I love to watch for the kid who stops paying attention and I'll look at another child while throwing the ball at the daydreamer who frequently gets hit by the ball which cracks everyone up and serves notice to pay attention.   Today I was on Lapbandtalk, which has become my on-line support group and one of the women told a hysterically funny dream she'd had about another member of the group. Can't repeat it here because it involved partial nudity and showing off a well-shaped body part. Jokes were still flying hours later when I checked back in.   Some of the best and funniest speakers I ever heard were recovering alcoholics telling their stories at open AA meetings. Some of the things they did and the situations they got themselves into were, in retrospect, hysterically funny. Without the humor, they'd have been too painful to tell. The funniest stories I tell on myself involve my ADHD and some of the things I've done as a result.   Humor makes pain palatable. I'm not talking about sarcasm or angry ranting expletive deleted humor. Frankly, I don't consider that humor because it tends to be at other's expense. I'm talking about self-deprecating humor. Humor that gently pokes fun at the human condition but doesn't denigrate others.   One of the funniest stories my deceased mother-in-law told involved driving off to work with her teeth on top of the car. One of the funniest stories my son tells is what happened when he tied our 6 month old 75 lb. Chesapeake Bay Retriever to a lightweight charcoal grill in my parent's driveway. Thank God for the passing motorist who chased down the dog and stopped him before the grill chasing the dog down the street caused the dog to drop dead of a heart attack.   These stories and jokes we tell each other can only happen in community. We weren't created to live in isolation. And I firmly believe that God laughs with us. We're created in his image and he loves us with all our foibles so he must have quite a sense of humor. Humor is his gift to us, a gracelet that allows us to be refreshed, renewed, re-created and ready for the next thing life throws at us.   So, even though food addiction is a serious disease, I try not to take myself too seriously. Life is a journey. Look for the smilemarkers along the way.
 

Sometimes Reality Bites

Tuesday, September 15, 2009   Sometimes Reality Bites     So, my husband is looking for part time work to supplement his Social Security. Probably Best Buy again. Its crazy that a 62 year old highly competent man can't get full time work--mostly because employers don't want to pay health care for an older worker.     It feels like this is no longer the land of opportunity. So many workers being kept part-time to avoid paying health care. I wonder if all the companies outsourcing to other countries and paying as little as possible to workers in this country realize they've created an underclass of people who can't afford the products and services they're providing? So they cut even more creating a vicious cycle of increasing near-poverty.     I'm so full of arthritis. Even with the weight loss the extra excercise keeps me in constant pain--especially at night when it wakes me up. Mostly its my hip waking me up. I think the steps at work are whats killing the hip. Walking doesn't seem to irritate it much, but add the stairs and its too much. I've adjusted my classroom to accommodate my arthritis. I sit mostly while teaching. I have a flat overhead I use with some materials (it lies only a half inch higher than the table) so I can use it sitting without having to raise my arm to write on it. My assistant does most of the paperwork which relieves me of enormous stress on my neck. But the school is not handicapped accessible and I do climb stairs a lot. I frequently need to speak to a teacher who might be two stories up or go fetch a class that's running late or that the teacher forgot to send.   I wish I could work out more so that when I hit goal I won't have to stay at 1000-1200 calories to maintain but I don't think that's going to happen. Just ate some Cheetos, not a lot, but that tells you what kind of mood I'm in. Haven't had those in months. Not since before surgery.   My job may not exist next year and the thought of finding another teaching job where I can adjust things to accommodate both my arthritis and my ADHD is quite overwhelming. It took me a number of years to get everything running so smoothly.   I've lost jobs before but I wasn't 57. Oh well, the Lord will have to provide if I can't. He's always opened a door for me, but I see all kinds of believers struggling desperately because of the economy and a broken health care system.   Kind of a downer, eh?   I'm not sure I can "10-10-10" this. I'm not sure there's a decision to be made at this point. I really don't want to go back to school which I think I'd need to do to get another teaching job. I probably could do a pros and cons on that. To stay in teaching or not, to go back to school or not, to look at other careers and receive training or try to break into those, or not. Or I may just be buying trouble and the new vendor next year will hire me without making me go back to school or changing my program so it no longer fits me.   For the next 10 minutes it doesn't impact me. In 10 months I'll know and I should have a back up plan in place. In 10 years I'll be retired and the amount of income I'll have depends on my choices now as well as a whole lot of things beyond my control--like the economy, my meager retirement fund, the decreasing value of my house, etc. I have to overcome this inertia that's paralyzing me, but my ADHD works against me. It needs the overwhelming pressure of an immediate crisis to focus on a problem and solve it.   Sorry about that. Once in a while the "what ifs" start to overwhelm me. Life is never easy. But my band is working and I'm working it and the weight is dropping.   Praise God.
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Fighting the Good Fight!

Monday, August 17, 2009   Fighting the Good Fight     I need another fill. First one didn't do squat. I called Doc's office and they weren't going to schedule me till end of Sept. for another one, which is my surgeon's first available, till I spoke up for myself. It doesn't have to be my Dr. It wasn't my Dr. the last time. I just asked the nurse if they were going to leave me hanging by my fingernails again and they moved it up 4 weeks. Amazing. Now just pray my insurance company will get the referral for the fill approved and done right away.   I was so surprised to have no restriction after the first fill last Tuesday. I tried eating just meat to see how much I could eat. I stopped at half a pound of hamburger. I should definitely have felt restriction but I could have kept on eating. So I'm doing my modified Atkins to keep losing (and limiting portions) but I'm getting no help from my band.   It's only by the grace of God, writing this blog, and the support of my fellow bandsters that I'm doing so well. I go to my regular Doc on Weds. Going in for bloodwork tomorrow. Hoping for a good report on my cholesterol, blood pressure and sugar. I'm off 3 medicines. Woo hoo. I'd like to drop another pill soon.   Two more lbs. to half-way (35 lbs) and 5 more to onederland.   I think I can, I think I can, I think I can.   I found an old outfit that I like in my closet that fit. It'll be great for teaching. I've been going to thrift stores and buying things that are a little too small. I'm back in an XL but hopefully won't be for long.   I've got a high school class reunion and a college reunion in October that I'm actually looking forward to attending. They might actually recognize me without some of the extra fat.     My life is getting busy preparing for school to start August 26th. Got two inservices this week at Roseland Christian School. I also have a meeting with the vendor who provides my services, Elim Christian School, and my co-workers there who work at other Christian schools providing academic support.   Pray for Roseland Christian School. They need forty more students to enroll to meet their already greatly reduced projected budget. They also need donors who will ignore their fear of the recession and step up to the plate to help us get through this tough time. For my school, its all about bringing justice in education to a community that hasn't had much of that. Not just that. This is quality Christian education. This school is celebrating 125 years in the Roseland community on the south side of Chicago. They did not run away when the community changed ethnicity. They deserve to be there 125 more years should the Lord delay his coming.   This school is my passion. Teaching these students is my calling. They're part of the reason I got the lapband. I'm not yet ready to quit. Last year one of our graduates (and the daughter of one of our teachers) was shot in the shoulder on her way to the grocery store-one block from our school. The year before one of our graduates jumped in front of a girl about to be shot by her former boyfriend on a city bus. He was killed. We also have alumni who are pastors, lawyers, comedians, and entrepreneurs. Our students face unbelievable odds when they leave the safety of our halls. RCS makes a difference. I make a difference. Pray that we can keep it up.   I want to be able to say with Paul at the end of my life: I have fought the good fight, I have finished the race, I have kept the faith. Now there is in store for me the crown of righteousness, which the Lord, the righteous Judge, will award to me on that day--and not only to me, but also to all who have longed for his appearing. II Timothy 4:7,8     This is a link to a website that shows some powerful videos of who RCS is and what it does. I'm in the video Testimony of a Student. The video Testimony of a Teacher is also very powerful. Don't watch these videos if you don't like being lifted up and moved to tears.   http://wearercs.com/
 

Just Write It

Wednesday, July 22, 2009   Just Write It     "Life is a journey, look for the smilemarkers along the way." Man, I need to get that copywrited. That's a bumper sticker in the making. That sentence popped into my head as I was finishing my blog late last night when I could barely see to finish the post. It became the title.   I really do love writing this blog. Even though I'm a pretty good writer I tend to put off writing things that I've committed to writing until the last minute. Procrastination. I've heard that procrastinators are frustrated perfectionists who put things off to the last minute in order to give themselves permission to do a less than perfect job.   Personally, I find that I can't concentrate enough to write until I'm up against a deadline. In the case of this blog, I start it when its really time to go to bed. By the time I'm finished I can barely see the page. I also can't stop writing until the ideas stop coming, another reason why I may be afraid to start. I'm always amazed when I'm done to find that its relatively coherent.   Often I just start with whatever pops into my head and keep going. When I'm done I re-read it and realize there's usually a theme. My brain organizes things without me even realizing it.   Still trying to figure out what the theme of this blog is. Or what it has to do with food addiction and lapband surgery.   Just musing on the whole writing process and the way creativity happens. Sometimes ideas pop into my head while I'm walking. Sometimes they're inspired by events of the day. Sometimes ideas that have been percolating in my subconscious for a long time finally rise to the top. Once I start writing about it I can't stop. If I'm passionate about a subject things particularly seem to flow. I'm passionate about food addiction and its effects on me and others.   Having the self-imposed discipline of posting everyday has made me more mindful of the events of the day, the thoughts going through my head, what's important that I need to talk about that others might appreciate.   Although each of these posts is written as a stand alone piece with some references to earlier posts, they are all connected. I'm tracing the history and issues of my addiction that come up while I record the information about where I am in my lapband journey. If I tried to write all this as a pre-planned book, it would never happen. But I've posted at least 40 times. Each post could almost be a chapter in a book. I've never believed I could ever write a book, but, in essence, that's what I'm doing.   I'm also able to really be myself while I'm writing this. You pretty much know the worst about me and you read me anyway. Some of you have written me or told me that you love how I'm unselfconscious, that I've moved you to tears, that you're praying for me, that I'm funny, that I'm inspiring. Mostly, I'm trying to be honest. Life is funny and life hurts.   Everybody secretly desires to by known by someone else. To have the protective outer layers peeled away and the real person emerge where they can love and receive love not just inspite of but because of their peccadillos and insecurities. Its a real risk to put yourself out there in public. Most of us aren't too successful revealing ourselves even to our families. In fact, families can be the least safe place for that kind of revelation.   I hope that those of you who struggle with similar issues (and who really doesn't? Mine is the human condition.) find your own voice and safe people with whom you can use it.   AA's fifth step states, "Admitted to God, to ourselves, and to another human being (usually a sponsor) the exact nature of our wrongs," or maybe we should say admitted our exact nature.   If you're one of those honored with the peeled away self-revelations of another human being, be aware. You are holding something fragile and beautiful and quite perishable. Handle with care.
 

I Am Not Lazy

Tuesday, November 24, 2009   I Am Not Lazy     I think about my motivation to work. ADHD makes a lot of things difficult for me. Organization and focusing issues, procrastination, needing the pressure of urgency, a deadline, a self-imposed goal and time-line to get things done. I've been accused of being lazy. Maybe I am. But its more a matter of there being a great need for something to be done to keep me focused and on task.   One of the reasons I'm afraid of reaching my weight goal is that the urgency that keeps me on task with my food will be gone. Whenever, I have trouble getting at things that overwhelm me (like cleaning and organizing closets and getting rid of old clothes), I remind myself that I am not lazy. I am ADHD. I work very hard at Roseland Christian School, going well beyond what I'm paid or expected to do.   I love my job. I love teaching. I love the school I teach at. I put in very full hours teaching. On Tuesdays, I have no breaks. My assistant is there and that helps, but its a long day. I have kids in my room before and after school. They love to be in my room. They love to learn. They're safe at our school and they are loved and they know it.   Three blocks from our school a young man was beaten to death with a 2 by 4. Footage made it to TV sets around the world. I always feel a sense of urgency to reach these kids and give them the tools to not be seduced by the street culture that destroys so many of these young lives.   Pray that Roseland Christian School will make it. Finances are precarious. Most people with money just don't see the importance of our work. I'd love to see us expand and keep tuition cheap enough that more children could come here. Places like this are the hope for these urban areas. We make a difference where it counts, one child at a time.   Thank God for what you've got. In some ways this is like a war zone. A third world country. Inside the USA.   Pray that I'll be able to keep working here. I've built relationships with these kids over the years I've had them. The relationships are a huge part of why I'm so effective. For them, I will work my a$$ off.   Not just for myself, not just for my grandchildren, but for this job and this school, I want to keep the weight off. I have so much more energy for the children. I think I actually have more patience because I'm not so wiped out.   God is good, all the time. All the time, God is good.
ifyourstomachoffendsyou

ifyourstomachoffendsyou

1
 

Vindication

Sunday, August 2, 2009   Vindication     Ta Da! I found some articles on the internet that confirmed that my ADHD definitely is a contributing factor in my compulsive overeating and that it makes it particularly hard to treat. People with ADHD do not do well with food plans, counting carbs or calories or points. Expecting them to remember to pack a lunch everyday is an excercise in futility. ADHD affects the organizational part of the brain. In addition, people with ADHD have poor impulse control, which is why so many of us are on the see-food diet. We see food, we eat food.   Many of us feel tremendous shame over our poor impulse control and focus. Its affected our ability to be "successful" with a lot of jobs, with our marriages, and even with friendship. And it helps make us fat and makes it hard to lose the fat. Double shame. We do not have the organizational and focus skills to be successful on a long-term diet or life-style change. Our failures feed our shame and shame leads to more eating.   People with ADHD, especially women, are prone to anxiety and depression, because we are the proverbial square pegs trying to force ourselves into round holes--societal expectations for our roles as women into which we just don't fit. Anxiety and depression are known contributors to overeating. They're a form of self-medication.   It's also hard for women because we've been socialized not to do the stimulating, adventurous things we need to do that would keep us busy and out of the food--especially at night when we're expected to keep the home fires burning. We use food to calm us down so we can sit or do the boring, tedious housework expected of us. We use food to stimulate ourselves when we're bored, which we easily are. Of course, stimulants (caffeine and carbs) calm our brains and help us focus. We eat a lot of chocolate and drink a lot of coffee.   In addition, we really don't have an off switch with food. ADHD people can have poor self-awareness. We don't know we're full until we're stuffed. Conversely, when we're really busy with something that interests us, we go into hyperfocus, and we have no clue that we're hungry and we don't eat till we're done with the project, which helps set up the ravenous hunger we get later. With poor impulse control and no off switch we eat till we're stuffed.   ADD/ADHD women would be voted least likely to succeed on a diet by those scientists who are studying them. Actually, the effects of chronic pain mimic ADHD and lead to similar difficulties with diets. Ding-ding-ding. I'm a two-for-one winner. Two causes for one disease. (I'm not even going to talk about codependency here.) And I would add that chronic pain limits the physical activity and stimulation and adventuring that would allow me to self-medicate my ADHD without food. I eat to sit still so I don't hurt.   I'm blessed to have a husband who has made it his mission to see to it that I can fulfill my mission as a teacher to at-risk children. (Many of you saw the video I posted in a previous blog that highlighted one of my students.) Ken keeps me organized, acts as my social secretary (unless I forget to tell him about an event), does all the paperwork, researches things for me, does all the housework, laundry, and grocery shopping, makes sure my car has gas, etc. At school my assistant also takes care of the paperwork and keeps the room organized and efficient. She's become my chief consultant as I constantly bounce ideas of her. She has a son who's ADHD and she knows just how to be helpful, leaving me free to be creative and flexible and good at my job.     I've had a lot of affirmations and successes at my job. I've earned a lot of respect and even a certain amount of influence. People know I'm ADHD but, frankly, teachers are an eccentric bunch, and none more so than at my school, so, basically, I fit right in. In many ways, God has pulled my life together and made it work.     That leaves the food and the obesity. And now I've got a tool for that. A tool that works with my ADHD instead of against it. As long as I keep plenty of options for food that's on my protocol stored at home and stored at school (for when I forget to pack a lunch) my band will let me know when I'm full. As long as I continue to get support from my on-line friends and continue to write this blog to help me deal with all the assorted issues that accompany my food addiciton, I think I can beat the odds against me as an ADHD, arthritic woman recovering from this eating disorder.     By the grace of God, I am Cheri, a recovering food addict.
 

Arthritis set-back

Wednesday, July 1, 2009   Arthritis set-back     I had to go back on my NSAIDs (non-steroidal anti-inflammatory drug) yesterday. My neck (on which I had major surgery 9 years ago) has been giving me increasing trouble as the NSAIDs anti-inflammatory effects have completely worn off. I went off the drugs in preparation for surgery 3 weeks ago. I was hoping to stay off them since part of my goal is to reduce the number of my medications, but I am full of osteo-arthritis that, though exascerbated by extra weight, is not necessarily caused by it-especially the spinal arthritis and two herniated discs in my neck (unless I've got or am a real fat head, which is possible.)   I cleaned something I shouldn't have and I've been having increasing pulsing nerve pain. I also have damage in my shoulder on that side from a fall last winter. Not being a martyr, I've gone back on the drugs and am feeling better. I don't want to have to go through the MRI, physical therapy that never works, and inevitable epidural shots. Someday I may have to have the neck fused (they took out a lot of bone but did not fuse it 9 years ago.) I'm usually very careful how I use my neck (my husband does most of the cleaning) because it is so easily irritated.   This kind of pain if it persists has a history of sending me spiralling into depression and into the food. I used to be relatively athletic and very active, a loss that I re-grieve with each new episode; and as the arthritis has grown, so has the weight. The weight, in turn, makes the arthritis worse. The arthritis has made it difficult to control my ADHD with excercise. Swimming, which used to be my best excercise and activity, irritates my neck if I do it very much. I can no longer swing my arms when walking because of the pain it causes in my neck. I have to be very careful with dancing as well, which I also love and seldom do.   I've had double knee replacements and shoulder repair (to remove a big spur and repair torn rotator cuff) in addition to the neck surgery. Both my knees and my shoulder started giving me trouble already as a teenager when I was not at all overweight. The weight definitely accelerated the deterioration of the knees.   So, now I have to deal with this flare-up without using food to help numb the physical and emotional pain that loss of mobility and pain always causes me.   Please pray with me that the pain will subside and that I'll be able to avoid the whole medical scenario I've had to go through too many times in the past. Please pray that I'll be able to deal with the loss of mobility without craving the food. Please pray that the weight loss will make a difference in my pain level because the neck is not the only part of my body that has really started hurting as the NSAIDs left my system. I'm not yet back on my fish oil capsules which I think also helped. Swallowing pills and filling my tiny tummy with them is still difficult and painful. It's disappointing and sad for me to have to go back on these drugs. That means I can't go off my stomach pill either. For now. But with God, all things are possible.
 

Food, Farts, and Footwork

Thursday, July 2, 2009   Food, Farts, and Footwork     Beans, beans, the musical fruit, the more you eat the more you toot, the more you toot, the better you feel, so eat beans at every meal.   I'm being silly. However, I am eating beans everyday-not the green kind. They're perfect for this soft food stage and high in protein with complex carbs that don't shoot up your blood sugar. So what if they make you fart.   I also had some canned salmon which I mixed with cream of mushroom soup (healthy recipe) with no added water or milk instead of mayonaisse. I heated it and added some Le Seur baby peas. Delicious. My husband put his on toast. Salmon ala king. He loved it.   I was very careful to eat according to the soft food diet, making sure I didn't drink anything for at least a half an hour before and after each meal.   I have found out that it's very easy to cheat and get more food just by adding a little liquid to the meal, making it go down the donut hole faster leaving room to eat more. I've also found that if you eat slowly enough and chew everything thoroughly you can also keep eating. I'm not supposed to eat for more than 30 minutes for a reason.   I've been doing quite well, but today I read a lot on a website for lapbanders (who call themselves bandsters) and learned some scary things about people who don't follow the protocol. Right now its the new small stomach and the swelling from putting in the lapband that's creating the feeling of fullness. Some people don't seem to feel that restriction or they make bad food choices and may actually gain weight.   The donut hole isn't that small yet. At about 6 weeks after surgery they'll inject the band with saline, expanding the donut to make the hole smaller. This will become necessary as the fat pad against which it rests begins to shrink, making the lapband looser. Some people don't start losing weight until the band has been filled several times.   That scared me enough to make me get out the diet info. again and not rely on my admittedly unreliable memory for details.   I should tell you also that my neck and lower back, hips, and shoulder are responding to going back on my anti-inflammatory as did sleeping with bolsters and pillows to reset and realign the spine while I slept. I also hung upside down on my incline board for very short periods of time to decompress my spine. Today I stayed mostly very still in a very comfortable position and did nothing to aggravate the discs.   Taking care of myself. Listening to my body and letting it heal. Making use of the medical miracles available to me whether surgery or drugs. Working with my new tummy and following not fighting protocol. Asking for prayer.   We do the footwork. We show the willingness. We leave the results in God's hands.
 

Making a Difference-Why I Got Banded.

Tuesday, September 1, 2009   Making a Difference-Why I Got Banded.     I love having restriction. After a few bites, which I tend to go just a little too fast with because I'm hungry, I feel constriction with some pain. My hint to slow down and eat tiny, well-chewed bites. So I eat a little, wait for a burp, eat a little, wait for a burp. Eventually I get the hiccups, and I wait for them to pass. Now the food is cold. I've begun to lose my taste for it. It's been over 20 minutes since I started to eat so my brain is starting to register fullness. I take another small bite just to see if I want anymore. I have totally lost interest.   I've lost a few more lbs., 38. This morning I hit onederland (when you're under 200 and are in the one hundreds you are in onederland.) I'll officially announce it tomorrow if the scale tells me this was not an aberration. I am down to 1 blood pressure med, 1 cholesterol med, and my anti-inflammatory.   I've been climbing all kinds of steps at the school throughout the day without even thinking about it. Not winded at all. So many advantages to not being able to eat.   School is going well. I'm slowly increasing the number of children I see. Hopefully I'll be able to keep my assistant for two days a week.   Let me tell you the story of one of my former students. Graduated last spring. Came from a difficult home situation. Raised by a foster mother in her 70's who slowly went blind and handicapped from diabetes. Number of other foster kids in family. Foster mom died when he was in 7th grade. One of her relatives took him in, thank God.   Got a request from him to be my friend on facebook. Went to his profile page. Most of his friends so far are former RCS teachers and classmates.   We were one of the most stable parts of his life for most of his young life. That's why I see so many kids at RCS. Many of the chidren I see year after year after year. I build a relationship with them. They don't care about my weight, they just care that I'm there.   Losing the weight makes me more available for them. Please pray that I'll be able to keep working with these kids. Roseland Christian is where my heart is, where my passion lies.   Today we had an unplanned fire drill. I was outside with 2 of my students when the fourth grade class came out. I see a majority of the children from that class. They mobbed me. Almost knocked me over as they all tried to hug me at once.   I love my job.
ifyourstomachoffendsyou

ifyourstomachoffendsyou

1
 

Mixed Bag

Tuesday, November 3, 2009   Mixed Bag     Came home from school and walked for over an hour today in the twilight. Had a good food day after a very Halloween chocolate weekend. But then I looked at Facebook and found my grandson Joshua had fallen on his head from a bunk bed and was in significant pain with his head and neck though the CT scans show nothing. He won't move his neck. I hope my daughter gets him to a specialist tomorrow. I don't trust small local rural hospitals. Josh would not lie still for the CT scans or the x-rays so something could have been missed. I love that little booger and he loves his grandma.   Please pray for him.   I'm seeing some great progress from some of my kids at work. I've also been able to increase the number of contacts with the kids so my program will hopefully bring in more funds. Next year is still very much up in the air as far as my employment is concerned. I've been working with the promotions committee to try to bring in more funds and more students. I'm just praying that these things will work out. People need to open their hearts and their pocketbooks.   Three or four city blocks from the school a young man was killed a few weeks ago. You may have seen it on the news. It made national headlines and Obama sent representatives to the high school the young man and his attackers attended. He was killed with a two by four. Meanwhile the children attending our school were safe inside in our afterschool program. I believe Roseland Christian School saves lives.   God uses us to give these kids hope and a future.   Please pray for my future and for the future of RCS and its students.   "For I know the plans I have for you, plans not to harm you but to give you hope and a future." Jeremiah.
ifyourstomachoffendsyou

ifyourstomachoffendsyou

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