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Educating Primary Care Physicians about Lapband

Sunday, August 30, 2009   Educating Primary Care Physicians about Lapband     As with all surgeries, lapband can result in complications. The band can slip, infection can occur, some people are so good at eating around the band (using slider food) that they gain weight back, or they never go in for their fills. Some Dr.s don't seem to give very good advice to their patients about sticking to higher density proteins and not turning them into slider food by adding things like gravy to them. Some actually recommend that people "prime the pump" with liquid before they eat. Some Dr.s take forever to give their patients a fill that actually acheives restriction.   Not all patients make sure they get the kind of support system they need to achieve success nor do their Dr.s The lapband is a tool not a cure. Other issues need to be dealt with simultaneously. If they're not, the band isn't as successful.   So some primary care physicians seem to only be aware of the failures and are unwilling to recommend their patients for the lapband. They also don't distinguish between gastric bypass which is much more drastic and has many more severe complications and the lapband. They confuse the statistics for the two.   I think a lot of these Dr.s really don't understand the nature of compulsive overeating. They keep thinking that if their patients just listened to them and followed the diets they hand them and had better nutritional education they'd lose the weight. But time and again, nutritional information and closely supervised diets don't help their patients.   Over the years some have prescribed drugs that haven't helped and have actually harmed overweight patients.   When I think of the money and time I spent on Weight Watchers, Nutrisystem, Tops, OA, Atkins, and some wierd combination of thyroid and speed one Dr. put me on, it makes me angry. I had a Dr. who didn't believe in the band. She thought I could do it myself. I knew I couldn't. I had to go to a new Dr. anyway because of insurance so I tested the next Dr. to see if he recommended the band. With two co-morbidities he took it seriously. He had Dr. friends who did lapband surgery with great success. So he went ahead and recommended me for the surgery which started the year long process of jumping through hoops to get the band.   I'm blessed that I had the persistance to get through that year and that I had a cooperative Dr. My insurance company also sent me to a top-of-the-line specialist. Some insurance companies won't cover the surgery at all. Although I have access to a nutritionist at my surgeon's office, I've found even greater support on lapbandtalk, especially on a thread called I'm here to help...This blog has also proved to be an invaluable ally in my recovery.   A lady at my church who is in much worse shape than me has not been able to get her primary care physician to recommend the lapband. Meanwhile, the meds she's on for her co-morbidities have made her gain even more weight.   People need to explore the risks, the failures, and the successes of lapband surgery before they make a decision. They need to know that its still hard work to lose the weight and keep it off. Their Dr.s should be helping them explore their options and get set up for success if the option for lapband is chosen.   I think the primary physicians need to get more educated, not only about lapband surgery, but about compulsive overeating itself. It is an eating disorder, an addiction, with genetic, biological, emotional, psychological, and spiritual componants that all need to be addressed. The band helps relieve the person of enough of the addiction aspect to let them work on the other aspects.   I had worked for years on all the other componants with counseling, 12-step meetings for food addiction, 12-step meetings for codependency issues, not to mention prayer and Bible reading and Bible study groups. I'd come to pretty good terms with my ADHD/ADD and still I could not succeed in losing and keeping off the weight.   I had a medical condition that needed a medical solution. I hope the woman in my church gets the help she needs. I hope the lapband, if she gets recommended, proves to be the tool she needs like it has for me. She's a precious soul and very much loved and appreciated in my church community. I want her to be around yet for a long time.
ifyourstomachoffendsyou

ifyourstomachoffendsyou

5
 

Onederland, Baby!

Wednesday, September 2, 2009   Onederland, Baby!     So I'm now less than 200 lbs. I'm in the 100's. Whoo hoo! Onederland is onederful. I have a college reunion and high school reunion next month and people might actually recognize me without the weight. I feel like I got my face back. It was being held hostage by double chins and fat cheeks. My eyes looked smaller and now they're becoming a bigger, more dominant part of my face the way they used to be. I had long, long hair back in the day and now its at least shoulder length whereas a year ago it was pixie length.   Today, my husband also finished getting the toilet, shower stall, and sink out of the downstairs bathroom, three of the hardest things we needed to get out of the basement preparatory to having Permaseal come in and make us that moat. He also got all the paneling and wallboard and ceiling panels down and got it all hauled away for free by a guy who wanted our old cabinet and sink and helped remove them as well as taking a heavy metal shelf set we got rid of out of the garage. My husband's probably saved us about $2000 by demolishing the whole basement himself. He's saved us the cost of renting a dumpster by making this deal with the garbage picker who wanted our metal shelves. What a relief!   Now I've just got to figure out how to pay for the basement makeover, which job Ken is not even close to qualifying for. First we have to treat the walls with bleach before we cover them up again. Maybe I'll finally be rid of the smell of mold wafting up from the basement. It's not nearly as bad, but its still there.   Taking layers off me, taking layers off the basement. Hope what's under my layers is a lot more attractive than what we've found under the basement layers. Eeuw!   I have blinders on my eyes when it comes to the basement. I just don't look when I go down there and I try very hard not to smell. I think I put blinders on when I looked at myself in the mirror, too. Just don't see what you don't want to see. Lately, my church has been having slide shows of last year's events in order to promote this year's version of those events. There I am, magnified on large screen in all my plump glory in front of the whole congregation. Somehow, I never thought of myself as that fat.   I need those reminders of how bad it got. I know I look much better than before. I don't always trust my eyes because I'm so capable of wearing those blinders. Its a relief when someone notices and confirms what my eyes are telling me.   My body is telling me things are much better. I'm running up and down almost 50 steps at work without getting winded. I walk an hour most days. What used to take me 50 minutes to walk now takes me 40. My blood pressure is wonderful. I think I'll be off all meds for my bp very shortly. Hoping the same for my cholesterol. I feel great. I look a lot better.   For today, that's enough. Onederland, baby.   God is good all the time. All the time God is good.
ifyourstomachoffendsyou

ifyourstomachoffendsyou

4
 

Greek Food and Monkey Bars!

Saturday, September 5, 2009   Greek Food and Monkey Bars!     My first full week of school really kicked my butt--need the extended weekend to recover. Lost a couple more pounds. I brought several items to stock up at school. I love the peel-a-can tunas and chicken. I have some applesauces and low-sodium V-8s. I also have some protein shakes. None of them need refrigerating, they're all pre-measured amounts. So far, that's working great.   Whoo hoo! I'm at a 40 lb weight loss--30 more to go. I tried on the outfit I got married in in 2000 and it fits! Its very elegant and will fit even better by my October reunions.   Went to a Greek restaurant tonight and had my first glass of wine in forever. It tasted really good and I used it to moisten my appetizers since I'm so restricted and I did want to enjoy my food without pb-ing. Had some flaming Greek cheese, some stuffed vine leaves(pork and rice) with yoghurt, and ate some of the spinach filling out of some spanokopitakia or something like that. My husband also ordered a salad and I had a few bites of that. I love sharing appetizers.   My husband is a very slow eater and I used to gobble my food and then have to sit there and wait while he finished eating. It took forever. Now, I'm eating more slowly and much smaller bites than him. I actually ate for an hour and didn't eat too much! What a change.Wonderful food. I only had 2 protein shakes all day so I could enjoy my meal out without guilt. Then we parked where we could walk to downtown Chicago and just walked around enjoying the crowds and the sights. I had walked in the morning for an hour, too, so got plenty of exercise.   I got called to sing on the praise team tomorrow morning so I'll be up bright and early since we practice before the early service. That's always a great start to my Sundays.   Had a granddaughter (3yrs.) demand that her dad take her over to see me, so she was over a few hrs. today. She's a stitch. Talks non-stop. Huge words. Took her to the park and was actually able to go down the slide with her. Haven't done that in a long time. Haven't been able to do that in a long time. I also climbed up a sloping set of monkey bars with railings to show her how to do it. Never thought I'd do anything like that ever again either. I also crawled through a tunnel, but that killed my fake knees.   Hope to see a few more grandchildren this weekend. My mildly autistic grandson is very dear to my heart. He's 4yrs old and I see him and his little brother (2yrs) a lot. They get so excited when they see me. Grandkids are the best therapy.   And now I can play with them better than ever. I think I'll take them to the park and go down the slides with them and climb up the monkey bars (but no tunnels.) I love the new designs for playground equipment. So cool. I'm really into this second childhood thing. Whoo hoo!   God is good, all the time, All the time, God is good.
ifyourstomachoffendsyou

ifyourstomachoffendsyou

4
 

Don't Forget the Gifts

Thursday, August 20, 2009   Don't Forget the Gifts     In a lot of ways I've been using this blog to take inventory--particularly inventory of those things that have contributed to my food addiction. But no inventory is complete without looking at those areas of strength that I can draw on to help me successfully manage this disease.   How do I do that without either false modesty or hubris?   I think for this post I'll stick to one trait I believe God has blessed me with and uses in ways that sometimes leaves me in awe. I believe in certain areas, God gives me vision and persistance in pursuing it. I do some footwork and God opens a door. I do some footwork and God opens another door. Eventually the vision gets passed to others who then bring it to fruition. These are usually in areas of ministry.   Today was a day in which one such vision came to fruition. A few years ago I became aware of a system of raising and teaching kids called Love & Logic. I'd heard about it in passing, then while searching for a speaker for a parent involvement seminar I saw something about a person who gave talks on Love & Logic. I had funding for him to come and talk and I also purchased books to give to parents who came.   I became convinced that I and my school needed to adopt Love & Logic as their system of discipline rather than the somewhat haphazard and often old school methods I'd been raised in like hollering and arguing and lecturing that are even more ineffective with today's children than they were with me.   Today, after four or five year of footwork, our entire teacher inservice was devoted to training in Love & Logic. Our new principal is squarely behind it, a veteran Roseland school teacher who was sent to week long training in Love & Logic through funding I'd uncovered gave the presentation using materials purchased with funding I'd uncovered. The vision has taken on a life of its own, and Roseland will be much better for it.   Many of you have checked out the video of Arthur Patrick, now called Testimony of a Student, http://www.WeAreRCS.com/testimony-of-a-student, that I included in some previous posts. I knew some of Arthur's story and had worked with him for four years bringing up his math and reading scores. I knew he had made tremendous progress and I thought his story might be worth telling from a public relations viewpoint.   I tested Arthur and compared his entrance scores in fifth grade to his current scores, interviewed his mother and foster mother, and wrote up their story for the promotions committee. Another member of the committee, who'd been hearing about Arthur from me and who was making these videos for Roseland wanted to interview Arthur for one of the videos. If you've seen the video, you know what a powerful story it turned out to be. This video was used at our 125th anniversary celebration and has become a powerful fundraising tool for the school.   Arthur, by the way, after his story was made known, was given the Most Improved Academic Achievement Award by our local district councilwoman. He was surprised with it at graduation. I cried. He was also given a scholarship to an Entrepreneurship Camp this past summer.   This time the results went way beyond what I'd only vaguely envisioned.   I've said before that ideas fly from me like confetti. Every once in a while one of them sticks and grows and takes on a life of its own. I'm not sure what my part in that is. Sometimes the vision for what could be is given to me so clearly and other times its vague, but I believe God uses me as a catalyst. I can be relentless, like water dripping on stone, for a cause I believe in. I can stay focused and even organized enough to do the footwork when God gives me the passion to pursue a vision. I know when the vision is God-breathed when God keeps cracking doors open for me to walk (and sometimes push) my way through.   Getting the lapband has some of that feel to it. It took from June 2008 to June 2009 to go through the process of getting approved. It had been on my mind a lot longer than that. I kept doing the footwork because I had a vision of a healthier me, a me that would be able to continue to pursue visions for what my students and what their school could become.   In the process I acquired another vision: a vision for what telling my story as a recovering Christian food addict, who chose lapband surgery as a tool in that recovery, could do for other Christians and for those who are not yet Christian, as well as what it could do for me and my recovery.   Again, my ability to focus--even hyperfocus--when I am passionate about a vision kicked in. I've come up with a post almost every night since before my surgery. Many people not only view my blog on this site, but I copy and post it to two other sites as well where it is read by many people. I've heard from enough people to know that my blog is helping many, and even those not affected by food addiction have found inspiration.   And God gave me another gift. He's allowed me to use my gift for writing, to dust if off, polish it up, and let it shine before other people. People like to pretend that they just write for themselves. The fact is, when we write, we are always envisioning an audience. Thank you for being my audience.   Vision, passion, persistance, catalyst, writer--God's good gifts.   God is good, all the time. All the time, God is good.
 

God's Gift of Music

Friday, August 21, 2009   God's Gift of Music     I love to sing. I'm a competent singer. A good choir voice. I can hear harmonies and read harmonies. I'd never embarass myself by going on American or any other Idol. I have a lot of volume in the lower registers and I can sing soprano falsetto. This comes in handy when I sing along with Frankie Valli and the Four Seasons my "song"--Cheri baby.   I don't have a solo voice and I have absolutely no vibrato. My voice has a tendency to crack every once in a while like a teenage boy's voice, right in the middle of a note. I think I damaged my vocal chords yelling too much as a kid. I have to be very careful forcing my voice or I'll end up with a coughing fit. Yet I sing every chance I can get.   Today I went to a special choir practice and my voice really worked for me once it warmed up. I got to sing tenor which I seldom am needed to do, but its probably the best range for my voice. I can't wait for my regular church choir to get started singing. We sing twice a month and I've missed it over the summer. I'm also singing a song with a mass choir of fellow college alumni at Navy Pier in October. How cool is that!   Just think how many singers would never get an opportunity to use their voices if it weren't for church choirs and praise teams. Just think how much less music there would be in the world if it weren't for Christianity and those who celebrate their faith in song.   When I'm singing hymns and praise songs and gospel songs, I don't think about eating at all. When we do worship on Sunday morning, I am always filled with such joy and gladness, sorrow for sin, and hope for eternity. I connect with God on a very visceral level. I move with the music and my whole being comes alive with praise.   I heard some old curmudgeon say that music has become idolatry in church, that we worship the music. He's probably not very musical. I always feel like I'm most connected to God when I'm singing. Music leads and points the way to God.   Listening to incredibly beautiful voices soaring in harmony or alone can bring me to tears and I worship the one who gave us such incredible gifts. Art can do the same thing to me.   I've also written two songs, or should I say they wrote themselves and I woke up with them. Now that was a shock. Especially the first time it happened. I'm used to my husband waking up with songs and following me around the house and even into the bathroom singing them to me before I've even had a chance to clear my throat. So when I woke up with a song, I couldn't wait for him to wake up! Payback time!   Actually, that first time, I woke up with the melody and was trying to think what song it was, because I often wake up with songs in my head, and then I started hearing the harmony and after playing it for my husband on the piano, realized I'd composed it and hadn't heard it anywhere else. A few days later the words started coming. Everytime I thought I was done writing the words and would get up to clean the house, a new verse would come to me and I'd have to sit down to type it out. It was like trying to get out of the bathroom when you have the stomach flu.   The songs were praise songs. One is supposed to someday be performed by my church choir (Living Springs Community Church). The other one may be performed by the Roseland Christian School choir. The director there really likes the song.   I'm 57 years old. Writing songs was not a gift that I knew I had. To have it come out now and to have some very talented choir directors like them and work on arranging them astonished me.   God is full of surprises like that. He likes to give us good gifts. He wants to make use of our gifts. Sometimes he awakens gifts we didn't even know we had.   The second song God gave me this past spring. It's based on Phillipians 4:11-13. It's been a mainstay for me while going through lapband surgery and making the lifestyle changes to accompany it. It also plays through my head when I smell my rotten moldy basement that we won't be using for a year or two while we slowly renovate.   It plays through my head when I think of how the funding to keep me in my job might not be available next year, that the new vendor might not want to employ me. It plays through my head when I'm stuck at home all the time because we've no money to go anywhere or buy anything.   These are the words:   Don't wanna be a superstar Don't need to drive a brand new car I am content   Yes, I am content no matter what my circumstance I am content no matter what my lot. I know what it means to live in want or have plenty. I know the secret of being content Is I can do all things Through him who strengthens me. Yes, I can do all things Through him who strengthens me.   Don't need to have a mansion or wear the latest fashion I am content.   Yes, I am content, etc.
 

Everything I've Been Through

Tuesday, July 14, 2009   Everything I've Been Through     I scheduled my first fill for August 11. I'm noticing hunger between meals the past few days. I'm also finding that I could keep eating when I'm done with my food, more food than I was able to choke down until the past week. So I went ahead and scheduled my fill. They'll only put in a little. See how I do. Put in a little more. See how I do, until I hit what people call "the sweet spot." At which point, as far as I can figure, things become easier.   As long as I follow the basic food plan and the protocol for when to drink fluids, which I described in an earlier blog, hunger and the desire to eat both diminish greatly. Not everyone reaches that point. You can still eat around the band by drinking with your meals, you can eat things like ice cream which slide past the band, you can consistently make less than healthy food choices. Your results won't be as good.   Weight loss surgery, no matter what kind, is just a tool. I have to keep doing the footwork. I'm finding a lot of support on-line on the Lap Band Surgery and Lap Band Discussion Forum. I'm hoping to find a non-shaming support group to help me deal with my food issues and gently hold me accountable. I plan to continue writing in this blog as various issues come up. Just the discipline of writing every night helps hold me accountable.   I feel amazingly empty of feelings and thoughts tonight. I think I drained myself (temporarily)talking about shame and guilt, ADHD, and, especially, yesterday's post on codependency. That was a difficult post to write. I learned a lot about codependency and addiction in my years attending a 12-step program for people who have been impacted by someone else's addiction.   Addiction is a family disease and not just the addict or alcoholic's problem. Food helped me cope, it helped me survive, but it, too, becomes an addiction. It's an unhealthy relationship that stabs you in the back. Codependency has to be dealt with in order to recover from food addiction.   There's a song going through my head. We've been singing it in church fairly frequently.   Lord I offer my life to you, Everything I've been through, Use it for your glory.   Lord I offer my days to you, lifting my praise to you, As a pleasing sacrifice   Lord I offer you my life.   Amen.
 

New Hope--Second Lapband Fill

Tuesday, August 25, 2009   New Hope--Second Lapband Fill     Had my 2nd fill today. Dr. definitely made sure I'd feel some restriction. I think I'll be on liquids for a few days, until the fat pad around my stomach shrinks enough to loosen the band and let a little food through. Absolutely stopped the cravings I was having. I'm back to sipping tiny little sips. No danger of me eating too much. Protein shakes and water are about all I can get down. Have to drink them very slowly.   I also actually got some work done in my classroom today. I finally got all the class lists, and was relieved to see the number of my students who are returning. I'll be working on the schedule and some testing the next few days. I'll also be contacting parents of kids who were marginal whether they needed to see me or not. It helps my bottom line if I do have at least 2 contacts with them a week, since my program gets paid per contact. But these are parents who don't want their children missing a single thing in order to come to me. Other parents are in denial that their child needs help.   I want to keep an assistant 3 days a week and not have to drop to one or two. There's so much organization and paperwork required and that's not the stuff I'm good at. The more student contacts I have, the more $ come in, the more I can do with and for the students. I have some special computer programs that have been shown to improve kids reading scores by an average of one to two years in just 6-12 weeks. The high number of student contacts I maintain is what has paid for the yearly licenses for those programs and my assistant works with those kids on the computer while I teach the rest of the kids.   I also get parent involvement money and money for group counseling provided for the kids based on the number of students I see.   Its all intertwined. The loss of students at RCS impacts my funding and limits what I can do with the kids.   I know its all in God's hands. I just pray that the NCLB funding will come in and pay for me this year (its not in yet), and that next year the new vendor will hire me.   I've made my classroom such an ADHD/ADD friendly place for myself. A good part of that is my assistant who is really more like my partner. I rely heavily on her advice on how to set things up, and I totally rely on her to keep up with all the forms and files.   Meanwhile thanks to the lapband fill, I'm not eating. I had to fight to get the second fill only two weeks after the first fill. I wanted to start the school year with restriction. I didn't want to have to take off work to get the fill. This fill should last quite a while. It may even be the last one I need. It depends on how loose it gets after I lose the next 35 lbs.   I had a student who didn't recognize me at first today. I had my hair up in it's Pebbles Flintstone do. She's used to me with short hair and a much fatter body. LOL.   I'm also working on my DNR (Do Not Resuscitate) pile of clothes. I'm amazed at how fat women's clothes are designed to accommodate a huge weight range. Most of my pants definitely don't fit me, but the tops don't look too bad. Instead of being stretched around my fat, they now drape around me gracefully. I might invest in a decorative, loose belt to upgrade their style a little. Eventually I'll have to cave and get more clothes but for now I'll make do with these clothes and with my thrift store buys.   Last night I felt somewhat hopeless. The return of my cravings threw me for a loop. In the past they could have been the start of regaining, with interest, all the weight I've lost.   Thank God for the lapband. Life's vicissitudes can't throw me back into the food nearly as easily as they did. My optimism about the school year has returned now that I'm not worrying about the food on top of everything else.   I can do all things, through him who strengthens me, Yes, I can do all things, through him who strengthens me.
 

Christians and Closets

Wednesday, June 17, 2009   Christians and Closets     Surgery is tomorrow, Thursday. I have to be at the hospital at 8:30. I had confirmation today that I'm having this surgery in the nick of time. My pre-op blood tests came back and showed I'd moved from borderline diabetic to diabetic. That makes 3 co-morbidities. Lord I am tired of this disease!   It is amazing to me that Christians don't talk about food addiction and obesity. It's not like we can't see it. We may be in the closet about it but our stomach's are sticking right out of the closet for all the world to see. Some of the highest rates of obesity (as well as depression) among women exist in the Bible Belt of the South.   Shame, I'm sure, is the biggest reason we don't talk about it. We confuse food addiction with gluttony. But most of us who are food addicts have been battling it all our lives. We don't want this addiction. Nobody says when they're little, "I wanna be a fat food addict when I grow up." But we continue to eat even when we know its killing us. We stop for a while, lose some weight, and then the cravings and compulsions return more powerful than ever. And shame over our lack of control, shame over what we perceive as a lack of faith, or of obedience to the Word, drives us even deeper into the food.   Pastors don't preach about it because they'd lose some of their very best workers. We, the food addicts, help everyone else as "good" Christians, frequently negating ourselves, and then help ourselves to more food because it makes us feel better. We eat to medicate depression, and in my case, to medicate ADHD as well. It satisfies something in our brains and that enables us to keep functioning and keep from falling apart.   We don't seek medical help for what we now know is a medical condition because somehow that would make us bad Christians. So we stay in our closets and keep our mouths closed.   This blog is my way of coming out of the closet about my food addiction and the terrible toll its taken on me and on my family. Come out of the closet people and lets talk.
 

Saboteur-Perfectionism

Wednesday, July 29, 2009   Saboteur-Perfectionism     Perfectionism can sabotage compulsive overeaters very quickly. As I read the posts of other bandsters I can see people sabotaging themselves, beating themselves up, setting themselves up for failure, because they were less than perfect in their adherance to a food protocol. Many bandsters are able to relax with their bands and trust the bands. But not those going through band or bandster hell--that time when their bands have not yet been filled enough to create the restriction they need, and they're trying desperately to maintain the food protocol and lose weight using all the tricks that never worked for them in the past--at least not for long.   I've been losing weight while I wait for my first fill on August 11, but it's slowed way down. I told myself that it was good enough not to gain during this time. I've also given myself the accountability of writing in this blog every night and I think that really helps. I'm very aware of the trap of perfectionism and am trying to avoid it.   There are some posts from people in bandster hell that are almost despairing. They were so excited by the weight loss they experienced while on the liquid portion of the food protocol and are now utterly dismayed that as their eating returned to normal their weight loss has stopped. I particularly feel sorry for those who've had several fills and are not yet experiencing restriction.   I also see the addiction to weighing every day on the scale and how a normal variation in weight that causes a temporary small gain can sabotage them. Most times its just water weight from PMS or traveling in a car, but it sends them into a tizzy.   One bandster unexpectedly reached goal when her Dr. looked at her and told her to not pay attention to the BMI guidelines. She hadn't lost in a couple of months and was despairing of reaching a healthy BMI. Fortunately her Dr. looked at her and not at the charts. The woman is 175 lbs but wears a size 8 or 10. She has to be a beanpole and very tall or very muscular to weigh that much and wear that small a size. Or maybe she has thick legs. But she went from a size 26 to a size 8 and she was beating herself up for not being able to lose the last 7 or 8 lbs to reach a "normal" BMI.   Various people were posting about their BMI's (Body Mass Index) and whether they wanted to go for the "normal" BMI or the BMI Weight Watchers has said is the "healthiest." Thank God my Dr. never mentioned my BMI. He just eyeballed me and said, "Based on your age and your height you probably ought to go for about 170 lbs." I was so relieved. That'll put me in a size 14 or 12 which I am perfectly happy to wear. I feel great at that weight and look fine. I have no desire to be skinny.   Trying to look perfect was what got me started dieting when I wasn't even fat and led to the cycle of binge/purge(diet) that screwed up my metabolism and got me fat in the first place. Been there, done that, bought the T-shirt.   There was only ever one human being that did life perfectly and I'm not he. I'm me. And I'm loved for the Cheri I've been, the Cheri I'm becoming, and the Cheri I will be when all my warts and peccadillos and struggles aren't eliminated, but are transformed into something beautiful when he comes for me. None of this nonsense about food and weight and being perfect is going to amount to a hill of beans when he gathers me up in his arms and holds me and calls me his precious child.
 

Unwrapping the Mummy

Friday, August 14, 2009   Unwrapping the Mummy     I don't know how many of you are on Facebook, but people write random things that are happening in their lives, or observations about their lives. Very seldom does anyone write anything profound. Many people seldom post but just read everything everyone else writes.   I have some people as friends whom I don't know well at all and a few who I'm not quite sure how I became "friends" with them in the first place. I have a lot of people who play the same games as I do and I keep them in a separate group and seldom look at their posts. But among those whose posts I check there are some who trouble me.   What troubles me is some blatent codependency that almost screams from some of their posts. Pain and anger, ongoing victimization, resentment, and no clue how to deal effectively with the people who anger them.   Like I've stated before, everyone is codependent. If we don't really want to please others or help them, we're most likely sociopaths. But for some people, this desire is over the top. It was for me. As someone from a highly religious family I was groomed to be codependent. It was the woman's role. As someone with ADHD, a disorganized dreamer who couldn't keep a house neat or follow a complex recipe, I frequently failed in the housewife/mother role that I was raised to do, or thought I failed. Especially with a highly critical husband who thought I should be making up for his ADHD.   But man I tried so hard--tried so hard to be organized, to keep a clean house, to cook good meals, to keep everyone on schedule. And so much of it was done to try to please my ex and control his behavior towards me, and eventually his drinking, and to please my children, who, as we all know, will take that kind of ball and run with it.   And I ate. I ate to control the ADHD, yes, but I also ate to comfort myself and compensate myself for trying to be someone I was not. I'm sure that, just as my Facebook acquaintances anger and sense of victimization comes out in their posts, so did mine. There was no Facebook yet, but I know that when I talked to my friends, it came out. Many of them came from similar situations and had similar gripes.   Thank God for Alanon and for counseling where I learned to ignore so much of my husband's criticism, and to go ahead and do what I wanted to do and what I needed to do without his approval. That may have partly led to the divorce, since I was no longer wrapped up in trying to please.   And that was a good thing. It was a horrible experience but ultimately good for me. I learned how to give tough love in the years before, during, and after the divorce; and that's partly why I'm so successful as a teacher.   Codependency and food addiction are very much intertwined. When you are a people-pleaser you give away your integrity. You're not held together at the center with a strong sense of who and whose you are; so you give pieces of yourself away to everyone. People-pleasing becomes your identity. What's amazing is that you think you're doing God's will. And you expect the people around you to appreciate you. Instead, you're damaging the people around you and they don't appreciate it at all. And you've lost the person God created you to be.   You insulate your emotions with food because if the anger and hurt and resentment ever came fully to the surface, you feel like you'd fragment into a thousand shards. You wrap the fat around yourself like a giant bandage as well as a cushion to hold yourself together and protect yourself from the assaults of those you love the most.   So, I'm finally ready to unwrap the mummy and remove those bandages. I've done it before, but in the past when I've gotten to the end of the bandages, I would just roll myself right back up in them. Maybe I just felt too raw and naked without their protection.   Since I am not currently medicating myself with food, it does not surprise me that my ADHD is having a heyday. But emotionally and spiritually, I actually feel strong. Exposing myself to a wide audience through this blog, deliberately making myself vulnerable, letting everyone know this is who I am, these are my foibles, these are my assets, this is what I struggle with, has given me armor.   This gives me integrity. This gives me that strong center of knowing who I am and whose I am. And I know that if God be for me, who can stand against me.
 

Why'd I Get Lapband?

Thursday, July 30, 2009   Why'd I Get Lapband?     I thought I'd talk about and show you some of the reasons why I went for lap band surgery. Obviously my health was the chief reason. I have the trifecta--high blood pressure, cholesterol and blood sugar. Not to mention osteo-arthritis that's exacerbated by the weight. I want to be healthy. I don't want to make a meal of drugs.   I also have a husband, 3 grown children and 2 grown stepchildren, and 7 grandchildren. They love me. I love them. I want to be able to take care of my grandchildren, keep up with them, play with them, pick them up and hug them, and take them places. That was getting hard to do. With 29 lbs. lost I'm already having a lot more fun with them.   I love to garden--flowers. It had become very painful and I had to go very slowly with the never-ending weeding. Artificial knees make it very difficult for me to kneel or squat for any length of time or to sit or lay down on the grass to weed. The weight made it even harder. My weight made it difficult to bend over or use a shovel. I would get breathless. I did some extended weeding and clipping yesterday and got done quickly and experienced no pain during or afterwards.   I love getting out and walking, going to fests and listening to music, singing in choir and on praise teams. Standing for any length of time was becoming more and more difficult. Walking also put me in pain. I walk over an hour now each day. The other day my husband and I went to downtown Chicago where we walked miles up and down Michigan Ave., all over Millenium Park and across to Daley Plaza and back. We walked from the Buckingham Fountain along the lakefront all the way to Navy Pier and all the way down the pier and back.   I was also finding it difficult to work. I teach at-risk students at a Christian school on the south side of Chicaco. I teach groups ranging from 8-12 students for 8 or 9 periods a day. I have the students with academic and frequently behavioral issue. I already struggle with high blood pressure and believe me there were times I could feel it go up. The kids would say, "Mrs. Flory you're turning red."   I'd stiffen so much when I'd sit for any length of time. Getting up to go to the board or to fetch materials was painful. Standing and teaching could only be done for short periods of time. Bending over students for any length of time was difficult.   I work in an old building with no handicapped accomodations and lots of stairs. I really began to wonder how much longer I could continue teaching. I'm only 57 and can't afford early retirement and was beginning to believe I'd have to go on disability.   Let me show you one of the reasons why I don't want to do that. I'm including a link to a video of a student of mine named Arthur. Arthur has an incredible story to tell. I'm an integral part of his story because I taught him to read and do math. You'll see me teaching him in the video. I helped interview him for the video though you won't hear me. I got my lap band in part because I didn't want to give up making a difference in children's lives.   Here's the link: http://cltv8.com/rcs/micro4v2/.   I felt like I was sacrificing my life in order to keep teaching. Hopefully, with the weight off, teaching will be much easier on me physically, and with more physical strength it should be mentally and emotionally less draining as well. In fact, I expect to experience a lot more joy while teaching. Constant pain robs you of joy. Joy should be effortless and should float like a ballon. When you're heavy, you are weighed down and joy becomes an effort. I want effortless, effervescent joy.   I want all barriers removed between myself and people and between myself and God. Food and fat are barriers to intimacy (see my last post.) I want to have fun and relax and enjoy myself around people without food getting in the way. I want to enjoy fellowship with God. I want to be by myself with him without being distracted by needing to go get something to eat, or by having to be chewing on something in order to concentrate on him.   Today I went out for lunch with a friend. We sat and talked and laughed for a long time. We shared about our lives. I ate half a spinach & chicken salad and took half home. It was enough. I set the extra to the side and forgot about it. It was a healthy choice. It was delicious and I enjoyed it. But it didn't get between me and my friend.   These are the reasons I got a lapband.
 

Arthritis set-back

Wednesday, July 1, 2009   Arthritis set-back     I had to go back on my NSAIDs (non-steroidal anti-inflammatory drug) yesterday. My neck (on which I had major surgery 9 years ago) has been giving me increasing trouble as the NSAIDs anti-inflammatory effects have completely worn off. I went off the drugs in preparation for surgery 3 weeks ago. I was hoping to stay off them since part of my goal is to reduce the number of my medications, but I am full of osteo-arthritis that, though exascerbated by extra weight, is not necessarily caused by it-especially the spinal arthritis and two herniated discs in my neck (unless I've got or am a real fat head, which is possible.)   I cleaned something I shouldn't have and I've been having increasing pulsing nerve pain. I also have damage in my shoulder on that side from a fall last winter. Not being a martyr, I've gone back on the drugs and am feeling better. I don't want to have to go through the MRI, physical therapy that never works, and inevitable epidural shots. Someday I may have to have the neck fused (they took out a lot of bone but did not fuse it 9 years ago.) I'm usually very careful how I use my neck (my husband does most of the cleaning) because it is so easily irritated.   This kind of pain if it persists has a history of sending me spiralling into depression and into the food. I used to be relatively athletic and very active, a loss that I re-grieve with each new episode; and as the arthritis has grown, so has the weight. The weight, in turn, makes the arthritis worse. The arthritis has made it difficult to control my ADHD with excercise. Swimming, which used to be my best excercise and activity, irritates my neck if I do it very much. I can no longer swing my arms when walking because of the pain it causes in my neck. I have to be very careful with dancing as well, which I also love and seldom do.   I've had double knee replacements and shoulder repair (to remove a big spur and repair torn rotator cuff) in addition to the neck surgery. Both my knees and my shoulder started giving me trouble already as a teenager when I was not at all overweight. The weight definitely accelerated the deterioration of the knees.   So, now I have to deal with this flare-up without using food to help numb the physical and emotional pain that loss of mobility and pain always causes me.   Please pray with me that the pain will subside and that I'll be able to avoid the whole medical scenario I've had to go through too many times in the past. Please pray that I'll be able to deal with the loss of mobility without craving the food. Please pray that the weight loss will make a difference in my pain level because the neck is not the only part of my body that has really started hurting as the NSAIDs left my system. I'm not yet back on my fish oil capsules which I think also helped. Swallowing pills and filling my tiny tummy with them is still difficult and painful. It's disappointing and sad for me to have to go back on these drugs. That means I can't go off my stomach pill either. For now. But with God, all things are possible.
 

Wearing my Purple Ribbon

Saturday, July 4, 2009   Wearing my Purple Ribbon     Right now I'm a little concerned about the next few weeks while I wait for my first fill of my new lap band. As I heal from the surgery I can tell that there's less and less restriction from eating larger quantities of food. I'm not hungry yet, and the cravings have not returned in full force--more like twinges. I can generally wait them out. But I'm on a roll. I've lost 20 pounds. I'm already feeling and looking better. I'm in clothes that were too tight last summer. I'm hoping to keep losing while I wait for my first fill. This disease is insidious and just the knowledge that I can eat more makes me want to eat more before the real restriction starts to kick in.   I did have a scare this morning. I woke up quite dizzy-twice. I thought I'd better check my blood pressure--it could be too low or too high. I took the pressure in my right arm-which I never do and which my Dr.s never do. It was quite high. I took it in my left arm and it was a little high. Now I'm going to have to start taking it in both arms. I may have to make sure I take it as soon as I get up in the morning to see if I have a sudden surge regularly whenever I get up. It may mean another trip to the Dr.   I'm hoping that it was an anomaly, perhaps caused by the change in diet and weight and my body's just adjusting. Mostly my blood pressure has been going down.   I also read more on the lap band website and was struck anew by all the guilt people feel who've had lap band sugery. Especially Christians and members of OA and FAA. That is so incredibly sad. There's a lot of debate over whether or not to tell people about it, and who's safe to tell--especially in church and in OA and FAA meetings, which are places we ought to feel safest. I'm glad I made the decision to put it out there for everyone and to make my struggles public.   In an earlier blog I said that we ought to hold marathons and walkathons and start wearing purple ribbons to build awareness of this life-threatening disease and to offer support for those who suffer from it as well as dollars for research to help prevent and control it. It worked for breast cancer. I would bet more people die from this disease. In fact, obesity is a risk factor for breast cancer (and heart disease, strokes, colon cancer, diabetes and more). Breast cancer used to be an unmentionable disease. Now we all proudly wear pink ribbons. Let's get obesity and all food addicitons out of the closet and into the light of day so that no one ever has to feel guilty about seeking a medical solution for this medical condition anymore than they would getting treatment for breast cancer.   Why purple? Because those of us with this disease are all wounded hearts, because that color hasn't been used yet, and because we, too, are God's children. That makes us royalty.
 

Life in the Lap Band Lane

Sunday, July 5, 2009   Life in the Lap Band Lane     I'm beginning to think that the pain I get that seems to be in my neck is actually still gas in the abdominal cavity pressing on the nerve that leads up to my shoulders. Then there's swallowed air. I'm becoming an expert at swallowing a little, burping a little, swallowing a little, burping a little. Can't belch. Not enough room in the stomach for that. Then, of course, there's the feel free to fart frequently rule.   These things should all settle down--I hope. Had a caramel steamer (hot skim milk with caramel in it) tonight. It was way too sweet. I also distinctly noticed that I felt weak and breathless afterwards. Won't try that again. I've hardly had any sugar except what's in low sugar juices, which I don't drink that much, and in milk which also has protein and in 5 oz of V8. The regular protein and low sugar have got to have been keeping my blood sugar pretty stable. The caramel probably shocked my system.   I'm also keeping pretty close track on my blood pressure. I woke up two mornings in a row with high blood pressure. At least this morning I wasn't dizzy. (I made sure I took a few swallows of Kiefer before I went to bed whereas the night before I ate at 5:30 and didn't really have anything but water the rest of the night. I actually forgot to have a snack.) My right arm has definitely got much higher pressure than my left. I'm really tired of doctors but I'm going to have to go to my regular physician to deal with the blood sugar issues and the crazy blood pressure.   In the summer I also usually see the dentist, eye doctor, and have a mammogram, because I'm off school.   In everything but the food I've usually taken pretty good care of myself. I've always tried to exercise even with the weight and the arthritis. So why should I, or anyone else, feel guilty about taking care of ourselves with the life-threatening condition of obesity?   What is it about this condition and us choosing to do something proven to work that brings out the worst in some other people? And why do we listen to them and care?   Many people don't understand this disease. They don't see it as a medical condition that frequently requires a medical solution. Sometimes it seems they'd rather you died and went down fighting the disease on your own than that you get the help that could save your life and help you win the war. They are shame-based people who have to transfer that shame onto others.   The Bible boils down all the rules and regulations of life to "Love God above all and your neighbor as yourself." In Micah 6 it says, "Act justly, love mercy, and walk humbly with your God."   So don't let others "should" on you. Don't "should" on yourself. And don't "should" on other people. But its OK to burp and fart
 

That Way Lies Death

Monday, July 13, 2009   That Way Lies Death     We are all codependents. If we aren't then we're probably sociopaths. Some are drill sergeant codependents, ordering everyone around for what we think is their own good. Others are helicopters, hovering over people, trying to keep them happy. Both believe that what they're doing is for other people's own good. Both are controlling, and both styles prevent other people from learning life lessons they need to learn. Both do for others what they should be doing for themselves. Both end up being resented. Some people alternate between both styles.   The style that is most associated with eating disorders and food addiction is the people-pleasing, keep the peace at whatever cost, submit to the controlling person, negate yourself, take care of others at the expense of yourself style of codependency. The fact is that nobody else can control what or whether or not you eat. Parents of young children soon find this out with their toddlers. People may binge on food to keep from feeling or to medicate the depression, anxiety, loss of sense of self, suppressed anger, etc., or they refuse to eat at all in an attempt to regain some form of control in their lives. Nobody can make me eat, and nobody can stop me from eating.   For women especially, Christianity compounds the issue because it gets justified Biblically. Blessed are the peacemakers, submit to your husbands, in humilty each consider the other better than himself. I'm not going to get into the twisting of the Bible that has led to this form of codependent mentality, but I am going to say the the Bible Belt has some of the largest concentration of women suffering from depression as well as women suffering from obesity.   Being raised in a family affected by substance abuse also contributes to codependency. So does physical and sexual abuse. Even the constant badgering by someone determined to control the thoughts, emotions, beliefs, and actions of those around him/her is a form of abuse that creates codepedency. Its emotional, spiritual, and mental battering.   How do we counteract these influences when they were so much a part of the way we were raised? It doesn't happen overnight.   I can remember a rough time in my life when everyday as I would walk around the neighborhood I would chant, "I am somebody, I am worthwhile, I am somebody, I am God's child." I journaled, I expressed myself through poetry and art. I wrote letters to God in which I poured out my feelings of despair and anger. I attended 12-step programs for codependents. I went on medication for depression. I got counseling. I got a job. I started doing things that made me feel good, that I was good at. I got many change back messages from my family and sometimes I was not nice in the way I broke off some of my codependent behavior.   I still struggle with codependency. I am one of those who can alternate between the people-pleasing form of codependency and its frequent recourse to manipulation, passive-agressive behavior, and avoidance of any form of confrontation, and trying to control the situation by giving lots of advice. When I'm really feeling powerless in the face of someone else's attempts to control me, or treat me like I'm dumb and don't know what I'm talking about, I have been known to yell.   And I eat. I don't think its any coincidence that the times I was successful in getting off the weight, I felt in control of my own life. Everytime I gained it back, with interest, I felt like I had given up my control in order to please someone else, that I was avoiding needed confrontation about behaviors that were jeapordizing me emotionally, mentally, spiritually, and financially. That I wasn't taking care of myself in these ways.   I am far from having it all together. I think the times I've resorted to yelling have been times when the pain of suppressing my feelings and thoughts was so great I've had to vent some of the steam before I could channel it and use it to say and do what really needed to be said and done.   I know this, God did not design me to be a doormat for people to wipe their feet on. And I'm not doing those who would try this any favors by letting them get away with it. Hopefully, I'll find balance and appropriateness in the way I express myself. But I need to express myself and not ignore the feelings or stuff them. That way lies death.
 

Doubts and Fears

Saturday, June 13, 2009   Doubts and Fears :crying:     I was up a good part of last night questioning myself, afraid of going through surgery, afraid of all the food restrictions following surgery and the thought of a restricted diet the rest of my life. I'm afraid of some unidentified heart problem causing blood pressure or heart rate problems during surgery. There were a few questionable things but nothing severe in all the tests I had. Those things will hopefully disappear along with the weight. I've been through many surgeries and never had a problem, but I've never weighed this much before either.   My Bible was open to Matthew 6: 25-28, and I read it several times trying to find either reassurance or a definite "No.!" from God. So I'm not supposed to worry about what I will eat or drink or my body and what I will wear. At first I thought, "So if I'm totally trusting God I wouldn't have this food problem or need this surgery?" Which is my old guilt-ridden way of thinking. Then I thought, "I'm not supposed to worry about the food after the surgery, or my body during the surgery. God's going to take care of me." I believe he will honor my decision to do something to jumpstart my body and brain's recovery from food addiction.   This morning I sat down with my husband and together we went over the diet in its various stages that I'll have to follow. It's manageable with his help. He asked what he could do if he saw me making a bad choice. I asked him to just come up to me and give me a hug. I think most of the time, that's all I'll need
 

Surgery as Surrender

Sunday, June 14, 2009   Surgery as surrender     Having once been married to an alcoholic and having attended Alanon for many, many years, I've learned a lot about addiction. I know that we are addicts because we are addicts. Environmental issues can impact the predisposition of our genes, but once our addictions are triggered, we are addicts because we are addicts.   I also know that in order to recover you have to be willing to do whatever it takes. You surrender your will to God and become willing to do whatever it takes, to go to whatever lengths it takes. For an alcoholic or drug addict that may mean going through rehab, going on meds to treat depression that could drive them back into addiction, working the 12 steps constantly, going to 90 meetings in 90 days, calling a sponsor and being sponsored, and never ever touching another drop of alcohol because once they start they can't stop.   In a very real sense this surgery represents my surrender. I will always have to eat to live. Everytime I pick up food it can trigger my addiction. Having attended many Overeater's Anonymous meetings, I can testify that very few people are able to permanantly keep their weight off. Only those who are capable of being really anal seem to succeed. Weighing, measuring, checking every ingredient, counting carbs, calories, points, filling out food plans. These may all be good things but I'm not capable of them--at least not for long. Just the thought of doing these things gives me a panic attack. I hire people to do my paperwork and attend to details because I'm so bad at it. I've accepted my ADHD as a gift and I no longer try to be good at what I'm not good at. I do what I'm good at, which is being a highly flexible, very creative, gifted teacher. I generate ideas like confetti. My lesson plans are barely a guideline.   By having this surgery, my stomach will become the weigher and the measurer. I can follow the simple food guidelines which will take me from clear liquids to 1000-1200 calories a day of healthy food without having to make food plans the rest of my life. Unhealthy food and too much food will make me very uncomfortable. I'll experience satiety--a completely unfamiliar feeling. And I'll be reprogramming the addiction center in my brain.   It won't be easy. I'll still be triggered by the sight, smell, and taste of food. The surgery will be a jumpstart on food sobriety, like going into rehab. I'll still have to surrender my food to God every day. But with my body cooperating instead of fighting it, I stand a much better chance of success. This is the length to which I am willing to go to acheive food sobriety and better health. This is my surrender to God. If your stomach offends you, if it causes you to stumble, if its an obsession that takes you away from being able to love God above all and your neighbor as yourself--tie it off.
 

In His Time (first fill)

Tuesday, August 11, 2009   In His Time     Today I had my lapband fill. It was a fascinating experience. All the people waiting for a fill chatted about their experiences in the waiting room. One by one we were called into a room where we laid down under a floroscope. When my turn came, the Dr. looked for my incision, swabbed the area, and felt for the port. He took this cool device invented by someone at UIC (waiting broader distribution) pressed it to my stomach. It let out a poof of air and injected lidocaine without needles and without pain over the area. Its so cool. Its used before IV's are inserted, before shots are given, before surface cuts are stitched.   After the lidocaine the doctor inserts a needle through which the solution can be injected into the band. He had no trouble finding the port. I could feel the band puff up. Then I had to start drinking the barium drink. He watched the barium go through and adjusted the fill accordingly. When he was satisfied it was just right I was helped down and was done.   Except the picture from the floroscope was still there. So I asked him to explain it. He showed me the esophagus with the new pouch at it's base, barely wider than the esophagus. He showed me the shadow of the band and how narrow the opening was to let the barium through to the old stomach. I could see the squirts of barium curling into the old stomach. Pretty actually.   I was amazed at how small the opening between the stomachs was. Its obvious I'm not going to be able to get much through that narrow tunnel. I'm going to really have to take tiny bites and chew things to death. Today and tomorrow I'm just having liquids and then I'll be adding solids.   This Dr. was not my surgeon. He handled patients from all the surgeons. This was his specialty and he was running an assembly line.   Not everyone is so blessed. Some have surgeons who do the fill themselves and can't find the port and refuse to use floroscopes or don't have them available. That makes it hard to get the fill just right. So they inject minute amounts at a time so that it takes months and months before the patient begins to feel restriction. Its almost like torture for these desperate patients.   I'm really blessed to have been sent by my HMO to a top notch facility and doctors. I'm glad I've found such a good support group on lapbandtalk. I"m glad I spent so many years learning about addiction, ADHD, and eating disorders. I'm glad for my experience in Alanon, and OA, and group and individual therapy. My chances of success with the lapband are pretty good because of the self-knowledge I gained as well as the great support I have from my providers and other bandsters.   I really feel good about getting the band. I have this sense of peace about it, and this feeling that I'm being blessed through it--not just with weight loss. I've never before pulled all the threads of my disease out of the woven fabric they'd created in my life and examined them and the pattern they'd created all in one place.   Getting the band, seeing all these threads, and recording how they're intertwined has given me enormous relief. I rejected shame and its power over me. The power to make me feel paralyzed to do anything about my eating disorder. I took a powerful step when I decided to get the band and jumped through all the hoops I needed to jump through to qualify for the band. I stuck to it for over a year.   For an ADHD person, that was a major undertaking. I actually gained a few pounds in order to have a high enough BMI which, combined with my co-morbidities, qualified me for the surgery. Then I had to lose that weight and keep it off as part of my requirement. I had to attend eight months of nutrition classes where I knew more of the answers than anyone but the nutritionist. I had to deal with the insurance company and liase between them, my regular Dr. and clinic, and UIC. Details like that drive me pretty crazy, but I did it.   I took back the power this disease took away from me. I think it all happened in God's time. All the other things I've been through and dealt with have led to this time when an effective tool has been made available at a time when I actually have the time to deal with the disease.   Summer school was canceled freeing me up to have the June surgery with the rest of the summer to deal with recovery. I had the time to write this blog. I had the time to explore lapbandtalk. I had the time to start to heal some of my physical limitations, figuiring out how to use the incline board to relieve the pressure in my neck that was limiting my ability to walk any distance. (It was also making it more and more difficult to teach.) I can now swing my arms while I walk and do not experience burning neck pain while walking.   I believe I was sent to the right doctor, at the right hospital, for the most helpful tool, at exactly the right time.   I don't have any doubt who was behind all that.
 

Creating Intimacy

Tuesday, July 28, 2009   Creating Intimacy     Intimacy. I was at a concert tonight where Derrell Evans (the singer/songwriter who wrote Trading My Sorrows) performed at my church. He spoke and sang about intimacy--how God desires intimacy with us. I spoke in an earlier blog about how everyone wants to be known. We want someone to know us with the layers peeled away--the real us. That's intimacy.   That's something we compulsive overeaters are not very good at. There are those in the field of psychiatry who have speculated that we surround ourselves with layers of fat in order to protect ourselves from intimacy--especially those who've been abused. Don't know if that's true, but I do think that food, like any addiction, can make real intimacy difficult. We do our best to keep the secret of how deep that addiction runs. There's a saying in recovery groups: We are only as sick as our secrets. How can another person truly know us if they don't know our addiction? How can we fully contribute to a relationship when so much time is spent protecting our secret?   I've heard people confess that they go from one fast food place to another ordering food at several places so that the order takers won't catch on that they're ordering so much food just for themselves. Others tell how they buy food and eat in their cars so their families won't know how much they're eating. Bulimia, whether using laxatives, throwing up, or excercise, is a way of hiding the compulsive overeating by not layering with fat. I have it on good authority that pizza is the hardest and worst food to throw up, while ice cream is the best because it tastes the same coming up as going down. One girl kept a bucket in her closet for throwing up so her family wouldn't suspect anything the way they would if she threw up in the toilet. We are all so good at hiding and stashing and sneaking food.   Combine secrets with low self-esteem and you've got a perfect recipe for getting involved with emotionally unavailable and even abusive people. Compulsive overeaters frequently stay in bad relationships because they don't believe anyone else would want to be with them. They're with people who are no more capable of receiving intimacy than we are of giving it.   So, yes, we have issues with intimacy. The rules in any dysfunctional family or relationship are: Don't talk(tell); Don't trust; and Don't feel. Keep the secret, trust no one with the peeled away version of yourself; and numb yourself (with the substance of your choice) so you don't have to feel.   So, how do we break the pattern of avoiding intimacy that we experience with God, with significant others, and with friends? In fact, food and other drugs put us in such a dissociative state that we may not even know, or experience intimacy, with ourselves.   First of all, I think God himself breaks through those barriers through the power of his Spirit and the sacrifice of his Son. We have to believe that and receive it. Nevertheless, we are going to have to accept help from other people--a 12 step sponsor and often a trained professional counselor--and possibly anti-depressants to help us get started on breaking the cycle. God generally works through human hands.   The counselor and/or a 12 step sponsor may be the first person we genuinely experience intimacy with as we begin to tell our secrets. We may find other safe people to practice intimacy with (like in 12 step groups) before we're able to share with those closest to us. And family are not always the safest recipients of our secrets. If they are not willing to work on their own intimacy issues, they may be people to whom we only go so far in revealing ourselves.   Working the steps takes us through the steps of intimacy. Taking our own moral inventory, sharing it with God and another human being, asking God to remove our defects of character, making amends to others, promptly admitting when we're wrong, sharing our recovery with others, passing it on, are all ways of learning intimacy. Writing is a great way to learn intimacy. To peel away layers and share what's underneath.   God already knows us, but like Adam and Eve we hide from him, too full of shame to walk in intimacy with him in the garden. He wants nothing more than to lavish us with love with arms opened wide. Go ahead. Fall into his arms. Let him peel away the layers. Nothing revealed will repell him. Ask him to put people in your life with whom you can experience intimacy. They may or may not be in a church. Not all church people are safe. But you can experience intimacy with God, with yourself, and with other human beings. It won't happen overnight. But full recovery from the effects of addiction requires learning intimacy.   "Oh taste and see that the Lord is good. For his mercy endureth forever."
 

As A Woman Thinks, So She Is

Wednesday, December 2, 2009   As A Woman Thinks, So She Is     I got a shock when my husband took my picture today. I wanted a new picture for Facebook and for Lapbandtalk. I thought I'd look pretty good because I'm 10 lbs from goal and I'm exercising like a demon. I forgot the power of age and the fact that photos add 10 lbs as does camera angle and lighting.   I looked top heavy. With all my excercise my waist still does not curve in significantly and my upper tummy still is rounded. I can hide the sagging but flatter lower tummy but not the upper tummy. My hips seemed narrow, my thighs skinny, but my boobs, on the other hand, seemed huge. When I was younger I always wanted big boobs. Well, be careful what you wish for. I have been this weight before, but I have never been this shape. I used to be pear shaped. Now I think I'm what they used to call pigeon-breasted.   So now I have to adjust my attitude. I was, I admit, somewhat dismayed. Vanity, vanity, all is vanity. I really do look a lot better and I feel fantastic compared to before. I'll never be young and svelte again. And that's OK. Every time I lost weight in the past it was never good enough and I never felt perfect. Bad body image can sabotage weight loss and maintenance so quickly. You'd think that by the ripe old age of 58 (the 30th of this month) I'd be past the whole body image and beauty thing. My husband certainly doesn't seem to notice or care.   Part of the confidence with which women carry themselves is based on their sense of body image and the way men look at them and treat them. Even more important, I think sometimes, is the way other women look at them. Most heterosexual males don't really care about the details as long as the main parts are present and available. Look at Prince Charles and Camilla vs. Diana. Look at today's headlines about Tiger Woods and check out the skanky looking mistress he had.   We think if we're physically perfect our mates will remain attracted to us and will adore us. Doesn't happen. And we learn not to rely on the opinions of our mates. We look to other women and their comments on how we dress and ornament ourselves and to compliment us as we lose weight. Sometimes we get more of our confidence or lack thereof from the other women in our lives.   Why can't I get my confidence from being a great teacher, a loving grandparent, a caring person, a beloved child of God? In fact, why do I focus on myself so much or even at all?   The fact is, I'm always going to see the world from my own perspective and experience. That's also how I'll express it to others. I am important to myself. I don't think I'll ever not care about how I look or think that my opinions aren't valuable.   So, I'll have to keep working on attitude and on changing my thinking. I'm a positive thinker most of the time. I have to look at the reality of my age and of what fat has done to my body and accept and love my body the way it is. I'll never knock Hugh Jackson off his feet but I do sense men looking my way.   The trick is to love myself yet in humility to consider others better than myself and to keep a servant's heart. I had a little lesson in humility when I saw my pictures today.     I'm finding that to keep the focus off myself it helps to keep myself open to all the incredible beauty around me. I'm still basking in the beauty of the Tennessee mountains. Last night my husband was flipping channels between Celtic Women-Songs from the Heart and So You Think You Can Dance. Some of the voices and some of the dances were so overwhelmingly lovely, they gave me chills and brought tears to my eyes.   I stay away from people who are ranters. I never listen to the political pundits for example. I listen to candidates, but never those whose ranting, hating voices fill the air waves as they pour out vitriol and hazardous waste. I don't care what side they're on. They create ugliness as they twist facts to suit their purposes and try to prove themselves superior through insults and smears. I don't need that kind of ugliness in my life or the anger it raises in me.   I notice, but do not dwell on the horrors that occur in our world. Yes, four police officers were shot. Yes, 30,000 more troops are being sent to Afghanistan. Yes, there was a massacre at Fort Hood by a crazy man. And yes, children and young people are slaughtering each other on the streets of Chicago.   But I thank God for the beauty in this world; for laughter and children's smiles and beautiful voices and haunting performances and incredible scenery and a Father's perfect love.   Phillipians 4:8 Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy—think about such things.
ifyourstomachoffendsyou

ifyourstomachoffendsyou

3
 

Living With Uncertainty

Wednesday, August 12, 2009   Living With Uncertainty     I am gearing myself up for a possible job change. I was hoping to be able to not have any changes in my job or the way I do things, but that may not be possible. My school is having financial difficulties, which, if they survive the next year or two, could be a turning point for the school. If they survive.   My services as a supplemental instructor for reading and math are paid for by No Child Left Behind. I actually work for a vendor who is paid for by Chicago Public Schools. Next year the system will totally change. CPS is hiring a vendor to provide services to all the private and parochial schools. They do not have to hire me. My school will have to lobby hard to keep me but there's no guarantee.   So, I'm going to have to polish up a resume, just in case. Even worse, I think I'm going to have to start taking more post graduate classes and get a reading specialist endorsement on my certificate or a master's degree. Neither of which will make me a better teacher.   I'm not into titles or initials behind my name. I have no desire to take any more classes ever again in my life. I like seminars and training in things that interest me and I know will help me be a more effective teacher in an area in which I feel I need refreshing or am not accomplishing my goals.   My ADHD makes the thought of having to focus my attention on a boring textbook, or a boring professor, or having to write in a formulaic style and deal with footnotes and bibliographies in this crazy information inflated technobabble world, a nightmare.   I'm scared and I'm mad. I'm 57. Teaching is not easy. Especially at-risk kids with academic needs on the South Side of Chicago. This economy bites. My husband took early retirement when he could no longer get employment. I was hoping he would keep working and I would retire at 62.   Ain't gonna happen. According to my brother in today's world we all have to think as if we were 10 years younger than what we are. Hard to do when R&R for me does not mean rest and relaxation, it means repairs and replacements.   I've gone through major surgery on my neck to relieve pressure on two herniated discs and restore function to my right side. I still have considerable trouble with my neck. I've had shoulder repair, double knee replacements,, and a hysterectomy to stop me from bleeding to death.   And now I've had lap-band surgery. Compared to my other surgeries it was relatively minor. But its impact is just a great. I thought my co-morbidities combined with my osteo-arthritis were going to force me to go on disability possibly even before the age of 62. Now, I think I may choose to go into another field rather than try to keep teaching till the age of 67 when I'll be able to collect Social Security. But I do think my body will be able to keep working (although I'm not so sure about my mind.)   I don't know where God is leading me. So far he's taken very good care of me. I have to trust him to lead me in the right direction with my job.     I am content no matter what my circumstance, I am content no matter what my lot I know what it means to live in want or have plenty, I know the the meaning of being content. Is I can do all things through him who strengthens me. Yes I can do all things through him who strengthens me.
 

Routines and Relapses

Saturday, August 15, 2009   Routines and Relapses     Routine is a bandsters frenemy. I've noted in the past couple of posts that the lack of routine in my summer has led to my ADHD having a field day resulting in dead batteries and tickets. On the other hand, Ive written two children's stories and this is my 60th post (I think). I also came up with some good ideas for my school that are being implemented.   Routine makes me a better driver. Lack of routine can help release my creativity. Safety and and comfort vs. creative unpredictability.   It isn't just ADHD people who respond to routines. Food addicts develop all kinds of routines to help them manage their addiction. Diets have always been routines we're intent on following, hoping to make the weight loss permanant. Eating at certain times, having meals pre-planned and ready-to-go, having contingency plans (like having a supply of "legal" foods at work if we forget a lunch), knowing which restaurants work well for us, these are all examples of routines that help us stay on track with our food.   We are also fond of routine at work and home. A bad hair day can make us late for work making us rush all day and make mistakes we would not have made if we'd had the time to set up our day properly. Upsetting the apple cart at work or at home can upset our emotions which can upset our food. Sometimes our failsafes fail (happens to me frequently), and we're cast into the insanity of spontaneity and having to make choices. This is when even the most successful bandsters can (temporarily) get caught up in making their old, comforting food choices.   It seems that even those who get to the sweet spot (when their band is filled just right and healthy choices are almost automatic), can end up eating when their life is in upheaval. Often it isn't any one major disturbance, its usually a bunch of little things piled on top of each other. Emotionally, we're at our wits end and only food can soothe our jangled nerves.   For people with no addiction, this may seem like no big deal. Everybody has those days (especially at if you're PMSing). Most people go right back to normal food intake.   But an episode like this can send a food addict off and eating. They feel like they've blown it so they might as well keep eating and then the guilt and shame over that drives them to keep on medicating with food.   Good grief! What a vicious cycle!   I've seen several people on lapbandtalk start to get caught up in this cycle. What seems normal to most people, to them feels like a relapse. And maybe it is. But those who get out of the cycle and back on track seem to recognize that the food served a purpose by relieving what is often extreme anxiety. Now they can and do get back on track.   I think having the lapband gives them the confidence to do that.   It would be great if we could get to the point where an occasional overindulgence didn't send us into a panic. Our fear of our own food addiction actually feeds our food addiction.   That's why non-shaming support groups are so important. We can not only talk about the food we got into, but also the disruptions in our lives and the emotional upheavals that triggered the binge. We reassure each other that we are not bad because we binged. The food served its purpose and now we can get back on track.   Each time, hopefully, the binges will be less traumatic, less extensive and eventually less frequent.   Support groups are the way God picks us up, hugs us, croons "I know," sets us back on our feet, pats us on the butt and says, "Now go get 'em, tiger."
 

Maintenance Fears

Monday, December 28, 2009   Maintenance Fears     Studies have shown that a subset of people with food addictions have an even harder time losing weight and maintaining than other food addicts. After testing, it was determined that these people have ADHD and use food to self-medicate their ADHD. The ADHD also prevents them from doing things like counting pts., calories, protein, carbs or any system out there. They have trouble keeping track of things on paper, or on Blackberries or any other device or system.   They are also much more likely to give in to impulses because the part of the brain that governs impulses is actually less active than in people without ADHD. In fact, brain imaging shows that the harder ADHD people try to focus on something they find difficult to do, the less active that part of the brain becomes.   It's like being a perpetual teenager where possible long term consequences aren't important enough to inhibit short term behavior. We use food to quell our restlessness, give us an outlet for our energy (biting, chewing, swallowing), and to enable us to sit still and concentrate. We have trouble maintaining anything longterm. ADHD is closely tied to almost all addictions, and makes recovery very difficult from any addiction. If you haven't experienced it, its hard to describe it.   I will tell you that my husband has absolutely no doubts about my ADHD. He used to get up and get me chocolate just to settle me down and get me to sit.   However, ADHD people can go into hyper-focus with something that really interests them and can complete a major project in a short period of time. Just like I've lost most of the weight in a short period of time. However, once a project is completed they lose interest and go on to the next thing.   Entrepreneurs are frequently ADHD. Once they've established their company, they need to turn it over to others to manage it or they'll destroy what they've created. That's like me and maintenance. Goal achieved, interest gone.   ADHD people are creative and spontaneous. Those are our gifts. But most of us are not cabable of following even a relatively rigid routine. I know that I have to do some of the work. But I need the band to be pretty tight to check those impulses very quickly. I know better than to think that I can do it myself. Right now, I pb with one or two small bites of dense protein. Especially if I've had no sliders all day long except liquids. But after five minutes I can go ahead and eat a 6-8 oz filet mignon as long as I eat small bites slowly and chew well. I could then keep eating all night long anything I want as long as I eat slowly and chew well.   Right now I'm choosing to stop eating. But that's because I have that short-term goal in mind. Once I reach it, I'll lose that hyper-focus.   Also, my band has loosened as I've lost weight, and 5-7 lbs tends to loosen the band enough so that I need another fill. Since I want to lose more than that in order to build in a cushion, I'm pretty sure I'll need another fill both to get there and then to help me maintain. Even with another fill, I don't expect it to be easy.   I could be wrong. I hope I am. But most people don't outgrow ADHD. They learn to cope with it and to find compensating techniques. Well, my major compensating technique has been food. I'm trying to figure out how to deal with the ADHD without food.   Going back to school will be a major test of that. I don't know how to study without food. I don't know how to get through research without food. I don't even want to think about writing papers and doing footnotes and bibliographies without food.   Initially, I'm hoping that it will be interesting and challenging enough to hold my attention. The school may also have help available for people with an identified learning disability. Don't know if they do at a master's level, however.   I'm also looking into a support group for ADHD. I've got the spiritual support. I've got the lap-bandtalk support. I use my blog and lapbandtalk to supply emotional support and to deal with my issues. I've got a strong 12-step background.   The hardest part is the ADHD combined with the addiction center of my brain. I may end up on medication for the ADHD. I will do that before I'll let the food take over my life and my health again.   Meanwhile, the high protein low carb food protocol I'm on is actually recommended for ADHD. But I've successfully done this protocol before and eventually the ADHD has always overpowered it. But I've never had the band before and I'm praying a tight band will make the difference.   Meanwhile, I continue to work on changing my thoughts in order to change my brain in order to change my life. I need to believe that, with God's help, this band will provide me with the appropriate tool to permanantly change my eating habits.   I also need to continue to work on getting my own life and getting what I want from my life and relationships whether others concur or not. I've got to accept people for who they are and where they're at but not let that impede me from doing what I need to do to take care of myself. That, too, is changing those old codependant thoughts that have furrowed such a deep rut in my brain that I'll probably be working on changing them for the rest of my life.   It would be really nice if God let me know very clearly whether or not I should go back to school to get my masters. But it seems he wants me to do the footwork of investigating schools and thinking about the long-term consequences of getting the degree or not getting the degree.   Just like he chose not to remove the food addiction but cleared the way for me to have lapband surgery, I have to go through the process. Just like he hasn't gifted my husband with a job but is making him go through training and job-hunting in the security field. Just like he's not letting me know till next summer whether I'll have a job next year or not, so I've got to prepare just in case I don't.   I have to believe that, with God's help, I can change my life. I can have these epiphanies, these paradigm shifts. And, like anything worthwhile, I'm going to have to work for it.
ifyourstomachoffendsyou

ifyourstomachoffendsyou

2
 

Dancing!

Saturday, October 3, 2009   Dancing!     I danced for an hour and a half last night and barely sat down! I didn't get winded either. I'm sore but my joints held together, my muscles had no problems, and I breathed easily. I'm 2 lbs away from a 50 lb weight loss. I've got 22 lbs to go. I'm amazed at how much the weight loss has already accomplished.   Last night was great. I attended the 50th anniversary of Trinity Christian College held in the Grand Ballroom of Navy Pier in downtown Chicago--one of my favorite places in Chicago.   I wore the designer winter pantsuit I got married in 10 years ago come February. Let's call it vintage. The suitcoat is very uniquely styled, very clean, modern, elegant, shoulder pads, nipped in at the waist, draped long over the hips, wide leg pants, and its a dusty pale rose or pink. Stood out like a sore thumb in a room of mostly black-clad middle-aged and elderly women. Lacy, subdued print, boxy jackets, or shawls, over black or dark dresses. Most of the college age girls wore shortened length, halter top, shiny, former(maybe) bridesmaids dresses in dark greens and golds and purples.   But I felt great in my suit. I looked great in my suit. I sang in a combo alumni and student choir, I ate delicious food (for which I'd prepared by having only 2 protein shakes that day), I greeted a lot of people I hadn't seen for a while, I saw a great 10 minute fireworks display shivering outside on the pier in the unseasonably cold weather, and danced my heart out with my huband.   This coming Saturday I'll be attending my 40th high school reunion. I don't think anyone I actually hung out with will be there but I'm going anyway. Can't say I really fit in in high school among any of the groups. So it should be interesting. I can't believe its been 40 years. I was only 17 years old, one of the youngest in my class. I was just coming into my own as a senior, but I really blossomed in college at Trinity. Being a little different was an asset. My off-beat way of looking at things gave me a perspective the professors appreciated. I was in top physical shape, my hair was down to my waist (like Cher who was big at the time). I performed in plays, enjoyed intramural sports, stayed up late in the dorm, went home weekends with my laundry, which my mother (bless her heart) did.   Various boys were definitely showing an interest in me but my former husband had kind of cut me out of the crowd before I ever got to Trinity. We were not exclusive but he had a tendancy to be hanging around when other boys took me to informal events on campus. I had dated a little in high school when I became a lifeguard during the summers. Public school boys appreciated me a whole lot more than the boys from my own Christian high school.   But I never did get much chance to experience the whole teenage dating thing. After my divorce, when I started going to a Christian "Helpmates" singles group, I had some of that experience but in my late 40's. I had a blast having men hanging around me and dancing with all of them. I had lost weight after the divorce and my hysterectomy and was looking quite good. In fact, I was down to my current goal weight. Then, once again, I got cut out of the crowd by my current husband, whom I met on the dance floor.   Onc thing about being free from men. I seemed to better be able to ignore food and have fun and stay in shape. Something about being tied down, even willingly, by another human being--and I think that includes my children, is not healthy for me. I stop taking care of myself when I start taking care of others. I am mildly claustrophobic. I need physical space where I live. I love being outdoors walking where I want. I love dancing where I can physically release and shed all confinement. I suspect this is related to my ADHD.   I work in a culture very different from the one I was raised in. I feel much more free to be myself there than when I'm with the more rigid, highly conservative, tradition based Dutch Christian community I was raised in. I attend a church that's multi-cultural that's much less rigid in its worship as well as its preaching and general attitude. I feel like I can breathe there.   Sometimes I think I encased myself in fat in order to help me remain and survive in confining situations. It will be interesting to see how I do without the fat. My personality tends to leak out more strongly and I'm less likely to keep my opinions to myself. I get a little more boisterous and make people laugh but also step on more toes.   Hopefully, maturity will take the place of fat in giving me judgement. I want the freedom to be myself but I don't want trouble either. I'll make mistakes, say the wrong thing, apologize and hope people don't hold grudges and give me the benefit of the doubt, since my intentions are never to hurt anyone.   I think it was Abe Lincoln who said that most people are as happy as they want to be. I'm choosing happiness. Being myself makes me happy. Not letting other's ideas of who I should be dictate my behavior and cause me to eat makes me happy. I want to dance inside even when I can't dance outside.   Bit by bit, I'm becoming more and more the person God meant me to be. Somedays more than others. I'm planning on having a good time at my reunion, just like I had at the Trinity event last night. I'm planning on being me, dancing on the inside.
 

God Grants Grace, not Guilt

Saturday, July 4, 2009   God Grants Grace, not Guilt     I spent a lot of time yesterday and today exploring a lapband website. There's a religious forum with a page for Christians and there's a 12-step forum with a few threads for those attending OA (Overeaters Anonymous) and FAA(Food Addicts Anonymous.) After reading many of the posts I came to a not-so-surprising conclusion. Guilt and shame are a way of life for people suffering from food addiction. People seem to be heaping guilt either on themselves or on others.   Christians accuse themselves of gluttony and beat themselves up over that. Other Christians really do say horrible things to them like, "Why are you getting that surgery, why don't you just pray?" Many Christian weight loss groups can have so many rules to follow that most people are bound to fail heaping guilt upon guilt.   OA and FAA attenders get accused of taking the "easier, softer way" if they get lap band surgery for which they beat themselves up. They also suffer attacks from the food nazis who have taken over OA and FAA and and who are addicted to adding food restriction upon food restriction and enforcing rule upon rule.   Guilt and shame have a horrible history of sabotaging recovery and driving people deeper into the food (or any other addictions).   Whether you believe addictions are sin or not (I believe they are brain-based disorders, not sin, that came into this world as a result of sin and that under their influence people do commit sin), beating yourself up over them is a sure-fire path to relapse.   Serenity is extremely important in recovery and those consumed by guilt and self-blame have no serenity.   We need to break the bondage of guilt. Especially unearned guilt and shame. God gave us the gift of grace, not of guilt. I like to say I gave up guilt for Lent.   As far as the rigid rule makers and enforcers--most of these people have simply replaced one type of food obsession with another and their rigid adherance to a code is all they've got. They transfer their internal shame and need for control onto others. It's just another insidious form of this disease. They don't know grace, and hence can't grant it.   Someday, Grace will come again and banish all guilt. He will wipe away every tear from our eyes. Come quickly Lord Jesus.
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