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Wow!

Sunday, June 28, 2009   Wow!     Wow! I just reread yesterday's post. I must have had that one percolating for a long time.   I wonder if those of you who don't really struggle with this eating disorder know what its like to sit and listen when you make comments about other people's weight, when you brush off the seriousness of the disease by saying, "Oh, everyone struggles with that!"   No, they don't. Other people may have to watch their weight or think they have to watch their weight. They may have a few pounds to lose. If they are successful they are quick to tell everyone what worked for them, especially to those who have much more to lose than they did. But they don't wake up fixated on what food they'll eat that day. Food doesn't dominate their lives. It hasn't wrecked their health.   So many women talk about their weight and their need to lose pounds when the only thing wrong with them is poor body image and falling for the fashion industries anorexic portrayal of what women are supposed to look like.   Most of us who have this disease would give almost anything to look like you. I would give anything to look the way I did as a teenager--when I thought I was fat and first started dieting.   You may never directly have criticized us or put us down. You may never directly have implied that we should have more willpower. You don't have to. We internalize all the looks and comments you make about others and about yourselves and your imaginary fat. We supply the shame ourselves.   And shame turns into blame. It's society's fault, it's my parent's fault, it's emotional eating, it's the result of being depressed, ADHD, whatever.   Those can be contributing factors. But basically, we were born with a predisposition to food addiction--some more severely than others. This is not gluttony. We eat out of compulsion. Some days we fight the compulsion more successfully than others.   Some of the shame we feel dies away when we know and can accept that those compulsions are part of the way we were made, like the color of our eyes, or having knock knees. Seeking medical solutions is a healthy way to take care of ourselves--like my granddaughter getting orthotics to help straighten out her rapidly growing legs to prevent future problems.   Praise God for supplying our needs medically--for inspiring Dr.s to come up with improved methods to help us beat this life-threatening disease. Maybe we need to come up with marathons and walkathons and purple ribbons to raise money and awareness and to show support for those of us fighting this disease. Purple because our hearts are wounded. Purple because all the other good colors are taken. Purple because we too, are God's childen. That makes us royalty.
 

Why'd I Get Lapband?

Thursday, July 30, 2009   Why'd I Get Lapband?     I thought I'd talk about and show you some of the reasons why I went for lap band surgery. Obviously my health was the chief reason. I have the trifecta--high blood pressure, cholesterol and blood sugar. Not to mention osteo-arthritis that's exacerbated by the weight. I want to be healthy. I don't want to make a meal of drugs.   I also have a husband, 3 grown children and 2 grown stepchildren, and 7 grandchildren. They love me. I love them. I want to be able to take care of my grandchildren, keep up with them, play with them, pick them up and hug them, and take them places. That was getting hard to do. With 29 lbs. lost I'm already having a lot more fun with them.   I love to garden--flowers. It had become very painful and I had to go very slowly with the never-ending weeding. Artificial knees make it very difficult for me to kneel or squat for any length of time or to sit or lay down on the grass to weed. The weight made it even harder. My weight made it difficult to bend over or use a shovel. I would get breathless. I did some extended weeding and clipping yesterday and got done quickly and experienced no pain during or afterwards.   I love getting out and walking, going to fests and listening to music, singing in choir and on praise teams. Standing for any length of time was becoming more and more difficult. Walking also put me in pain. I walk over an hour now each day. The other day my husband and I went to downtown Chicago where we walked miles up and down Michigan Ave., all over Millenium Park and across to Daley Plaza and back. We walked from the Buckingham Fountain along the lakefront all the way to Navy Pier and all the way down the pier and back.   I was also finding it difficult to work. I teach at-risk students at a Christian school on the south side of Chicaco. I teach groups ranging from 8-12 students for 8 or 9 periods a day. I have the students with academic and frequently behavioral issue. I already struggle with high blood pressure and believe me there were times I could feel it go up. The kids would say, "Mrs. Flory you're turning red."   I'd stiffen so much when I'd sit for any length of time. Getting up to go to the board or to fetch materials was painful. Standing and teaching could only be done for short periods of time. Bending over students for any length of time was difficult.   I work in an old building with no handicapped accomodations and lots of stairs. I really began to wonder how much longer I could continue teaching. I'm only 57 and can't afford early retirement and was beginning to believe I'd have to go on disability.   Let me show you one of the reasons why I don't want to do that. I'm including a link to a video of a student of mine named Arthur. Arthur has an incredible story to tell. I'm an integral part of his story because I taught him to read and do math. You'll see me teaching him in the video. I helped interview him for the video though you won't hear me. I got my lap band in part because I didn't want to give up making a difference in children's lives.   Here's the link: http://cltv8.com/rcs/micro4v2/.   I felt like I was sacrificing my life in order to keep teaching. Hopefully, with the weight off, teaching will be much easier on me physically, and with more physical strength it should be mentally and emotionally less draining as well. In fact, I expect to experience a lot more joy while teaching. Constant pain robs you of joy. Joy should be effortless and should float like a ballon. When you're heavy, you are weighed down and joy becomes an effort. I want effortless, effervescent joy.   I want all barriers removed between myself and people and between myself and God. Food and fat are barriers to intimacy (see my last post.) I want to have fun and relax and enjoy myself around people without food getting in the way. I want to enjoy fellowship with God. I want to be by myself with him without being distracted by needing to go get something to eat, or by having to be chewing on something in order to concentrate on him.   Today I went out for lunch with a friend. We sat and talked and laughed for a long time. We shared about our lives. I ate half a spinach & chicken salad and took half home. It was enough. I set the extra to the side and forgot about it. It was a healthy choice. It was delicious and I enjoyed it. But it didn't get between me and my friend.   These are the reasons I got a lapband.
 

Why High Protein/Low Carb for the Band?

Tuesday, January 5, 2010   Why High Protein/Low Carb for the Band?     It is my understanding that high protein/low carb works because protein doesn't shoot your blood sugar up. It has something to do with your insulin levels. You store more food as fat if you raise your blood sugar levels. If you don't, you don't store food as fat. Your muscles burn it off instead. You can eat more and store less.   The protein stops your cravings because you haven't raised your blood sugar. It's absorbed by your system much more slowly, giving you a constant source of energy rather than a big boost and then a drop-off and its burned off more steadily by your muscles.   Also, sugary, simple carb foods like candy, cookies, potatos, white rice, bread and so on, dissolve easily and are often combined with fat so they slide through the pouch quickly leaving you hungry and craving food because your pouch is empty plus you've shot up your blood sugar which increases cravings.   Most fruit also contains simple sugars that shoot up your blood sugar, so, though better for you than refined sugars, they can only be had in very limited quantities or combined with a meal that's high in protein to keep your blood sugar level.   Protein, when not combined with a lot of sauces or moisture or carbs and other sliders, stays in your pouch making you feel full much longer. So protein works on several levels.When you eat even too many vegetables you don't leave enough room in your pouch for the protein you need to live. And veggies are carbs. Most take a little longer than sugar to break down in your system, but some, like carrots, are full of sugar. If you're not getting enough protein, your body will burn muscle instead of fat. More than anything else, your body needs protein. You will start to lose your hair and your nails if you're not getting enough while losing weight.   Fat isn't nearly as bad for you as simple carbs when you're on high protein because you don't store it. So cholesterol actually goes down for people who eat a lot of meat, including red meat. And red meat actually helps raise your good cholesterol as does exercise.Whole grains and vegetables will also digest more slowly and not shoot up your blood sugar and may have some protein or good fats in them. However, again, they take up space in your pouch and limit the room you need for protein. So limit them.   That's why bariatric surgeons insist on high protein low carb diets. They work with the metabolism and they work with the band. I'm sure others could explain the blood sugar and insulin part more clearly than I did, but that's my basic understanding. The only diets on which I lost weight and felt great were high protein low carb diets.   Now I've got the band to help me stay on that food protocol. That's why my blood sugar has improved so much. It's not just the weight lost. I'm now below the borderline range. It's not just the quantity of food. It's not just the total number of calories. You can actually eat more calories on a high protein low carb don't worry so much about the fat diet and lose more weight than on a low calorie, no fat or a low calorie but it doesn't matter what you eat diet.   Now, only really rigid people are able to maintain this diet all the time. That's why I have days where I allow myself treats. But they don't do damage as long as I limit them and as long as the majority of the time I'm following the high protein, low carb protocol.   For foods that aren't protein, if you want to know if they'll shoot your blood sugar up or not, check the glycemic index. Also, diabetics learn to keep their blood sugar stable by the way they combine foods and by eating small amounts more frequently.   Just remember, hi-fiber foods, though low on the glycemic index, fill your pouch and swell and can leave you without enough room for the protein you need. Many nuts and seeds are a perfect combination of low glycemic carb, protein, and the kinds of oil that are good for you. I eat little spoonfuls of shelled, roasted, slightly salted sunflower seeds a few times throughout the day when I'm at work. These give me a constant flow of energy without shooting up my blood sugar.   Legumes, which are low on the glycemic index, (dry beans cooked like pinto, black, chili, white, navy, etc. have protein as well as high fiber, low glycemic carbs) but are all to easy to turn into sliders because they're usually in soups or soupy, saucy mixtures so they don't keep your pouch filled. Plus the sauces are often more full of sugar than you realize. Tomatoes have a lot of sugar. So do onions. Refried beans aren't as moisturized and will stay in your pouch longer. That's why they're on the list of mushies you can start eating a couple of days after surgery.   Low-glycemic carbs are the things I'm planning on increasing in the maintenance stage. Still high protein first, but more fibrous vegetables, nuts, seeds, and legumes. I just have to remember, a little of these goes a long way, and I still have to eat protein first. Starchy foods like white potatoes, white rice, pasta, and definitely breads and pastries, crackers and any kind of chips, even if they're whole grain, are going to be very occasional treats, or just a taste with my meal.   These are all items that tend to increase cravings for carbs because they are one step away from simple sugars (you can actually taste them turning into sugar as your saliva combines with them) and they increase blood sugar.   Since my band limits portion size with protein as long as I don't turn my protein into sliders, and I know which foods to keep out of my house, avoid, or limit to occasional treats, I don't have to spend a lot of time worrying about counting calories, points, weighing or measuring, counting fat grams, or even counting carbs. That simplifies things for me and because of my ADHD I need to have a very simple food plan in order to succeed. If I find myself able to eat too much dense protein at a sitting, then I know I need a fill. Everybody's different, but knowledge is power. This is what works for me.   God is good, all the time. All the time, God is good.
 

What an Idiot!

Saturday, July 25, 2009   What an Idiot!     What an idiot! I got in a minor fender bender today and got a ticket. I let myself be pressured by a honking driver who wanted me to pull out into fast-moving traffic and then swerved around me to get out of the parking lot driveway and pulled into traffic ahead of me. I followed him and hit a car he just missed. He was laughing as he pulled away. So I let an idiot turn me into one.   Loss of serenity. Letting someone else's bad behavior affect your decisions. Just a momentary lapse and...boom! No one hurt. My old car has just one more scrape but, of course, the other car was strategically hit in the right front quarter panel and the door with a scrape on the wheel cover. The mother of the young man driving the other car was understandably upset, but calmed down fairly quickly as I apologized and took responsibility.   What amazed me is how she, her son, and her daughter were all immediately on their cell phones and taking pictures with their phones as well as their handy-dandy camera. It all ended fairly amicably since I have good insurance and took responsibility.   But I'll have to go to court to get my license back. Had to call the insurance company. Felt like an idiot.   This is life. I love the serenity prayer at moments like this. It's become absorbed into my nature over the years and in an emergency I go right into that mode.   God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, The courage to change the things I can, And the wisdom to know the difference.   I couldn't change the fact that I got in an accident or that it was my fault, so I immediately accepted that fact and my responsibility. I could speak calmly and soothingly to the distraught, angry woman, quickly apologizing, and de-escalated the situation quite rapidly so that she apologized to me. I had ignored her screaming at me to stop my car and moved it to a safer place where it wouldn't block traffic and cause another accident. She thought I was leaving the scene. Once she realized my intent, she was embarassed.   Afterwards, I did not go home and eat.   Acceptance and serenity. Two major tools of recovery. I couldn't go back and change what happened, though I surely wish I could have. I didn't dwell on it. I had the courage to admit I was at fault and to change the atmosphere. I had the wisdom to know that I had to act to move my car right away and explain later.   Honesty is another huge tool of the program. "Continued to take personal inventory and when we were wrong, promptly admitted it!" Step 10 of the 12 steps.   I also made amends which is Step 9. In fact, by having a current license and carrying good insurance, I was prepared to make amends in just such a situation.   Now I did call the reckless driver a bad name--something to do with a donkey's hind end, but realized that would get me nowhere and I needed to take care of my business.   And I did. And I didn't eat.   God is good all the time! All the time God is good!
 

Wearing my Purple Ribbon

Saturday, July 4, 2009   Wearing my Purple Ribbon     Right now I'm a little concerned about the next few weeks while I wait for my first fill of my new lap band. As I heal from the surgery I can tell that there's less and less restriction from eating larger quantities of food. I'm not hungry yet, and the cravings have not returned in full force--more like twinges. I can generally wait them out. But I'm on a roll. I've lost 20 pounds. I'm already feeling and looking better. I'm in clothes that were too tight last summer. I'm hoping to keep losing while I wait for my first fill. This disease is insidious and just the knowledge that I can eat more makes me want to eat more before the real restriction starts to kick in.   I did have a scare this morning. I woke up quite dizzy-twice. I thought I'd better check my blood pressure--it could be too low or too high. I took the pressure in my right arm-which I never do and which my Dr.s never do. It was quite high. I took it in my left arm and it was a little high. Now I'm going to have to start taking it in both arms. I may have to make sure I take it as soon as I get up in the morning to see if I have a sudden surge regularly whenever I get up. It may mean another trip to the Dr.   I'm hoping that it was an anomaly, perhaps caused by the change in diet and weight and my body's just adjusting. Mostly my blood pressure has been going down.   I also read more on the lap band website and was struck anew by all the guilt people feel who've had lap band sugery. Especially Christians and members of OA and FAA. That is so incredibly sad. There's a lot of debate over whether or not to tell people about it, and who's safe to tell--especially in church and in OA and FAA meetings, which are places we ought to feel safest. I'm glad I made the decision to put it out there for everyone and to make my struggles public.   In an earlier blog I said that we ought to hold marathons and walkathons and start wearing purple ribbons to build awareness of this life-threatening disease and to offer support for those who suffer from it as well as dollars for research to help prevent and control it. It worked for breast cancer. I would bet more people die from this disease. In fact, obesity is a risk factor for breast cancer (and heart disease, strokes, colon cancer, diabetes and more). Breast cancer used to be an unmentionable disease. Now we all proudly wear pink ribbons. Let's get obesity and all food addicitons out of the closet and into the light of day so that no one ever has to feel guilty about seeking a medical solution for this medical condition anymore than they would getting treatment for breast cancer.   Why purple? Because those of us with this disease are all wounded hearts, because that color hasn't been used yet, and because we, too, are God's children. That makes us royalty.
 

Vindication

Sunday, August 2, 2009   Vindication     Ta Da! I found some articles on the internet that confirmed that my ADHD definitely is a contributing factor in my compulsive overeating and that it makes it particularly hard to treat. People with ADHD do not do well with food plans, counting carbs or calories or points. Expecting them to remember to pack a lunch everyday is an excercise in futility. ADHD affects the organizational part of the brain. In addition, people with ADHD have poor impulse control, which is why so many of us are on the see-food diet. We see food, we eat food.   Many of us feel tremendous shame over our poor impulse control and focus. Its affected our ability to be "successful" with a lot of jobs, with our marriages, and even with friendship. And it helps make us fat and makes it hard to lose the fat. Double shame. We do not have the organizational and focus skills to be successful on a long-term diet or life-style change. Our failures feed our shame and shame leads to more eating.   People with ADHD, especially women, are prone to anxiety and depression, because we are the proverbial square pegs trying to force ourselves into round holes--societal expectations for our roles as women into which we just don't fit. Anxiety and depression are known contributors to overeating. They're a form of self-medication.   It's also hard for women because we've been socialized not to do the stimulating, adventurous things we need to do that would keep us busy and out of the food--especially at night when we're expected to keep the home fires burning. We use food to calm us down so we can sit or do the boring, tedious housework expected of us. We use food to stimulate ourselves when we're bored, which we easily are. Of course, stimulants (caffeine and carbs) calm our brains and help us focus. We eat a lot of chocolate and drink a lot of coffee.   In addition, we really don't have an off switch with food. ADHD people can have poor self-awareness. We don't know we're full until we're stuffed. Conversely, when we're really busy with something that interests us, we go into hyperfocus, and we have no clue that we're hungry and we don't eat till we're done with the project, which helps set up the ravenous hunger we get later. With poor impulse control and no off switch we eat till we're stuffed.   ADD/ADHD women would be voted least likely to succeed on a diet by those scientists who are studying them. Actually, the effects of chronic pain mimic ADHD and lead to similar difficulties with diets. Ding-ding-ding. I'm a two-for-one winner. Two causes for one disease. (I'm not even going to talk about codependency here.) And I would add that chronic pain limits the physical activity and stimulation and adventuring that would allow me to self-medicate my ADHD without food. I eat to sit still so I don't hurt.   I'm blessed to have a husband who has made it his mission to see to it that I can fulfill my mission as a teacher to at-risk children. (Many of you saw the video I posted in a previous blog that highlighted one of my students.) Ken keeps me organized, acts as my social secretary (unless I forget to tell him about an event), does all the paperwork, researches things for me, does all the housework, laundry, and grocery shopping, makes sure my car has gas, etc. At school my assistant also takes care of the paperwork and keeps the room organized and efficient. She's become my chief consultant as I constantly bounce ideas of her. She has a son who's ADHD and she knows just how to be helpful, leaving me free to be creative and flexible and good at my job.     I've had a lot of affirmations and successes at my job. I've earned a lot of respect and even a certain amount of influence. People know I'm ADHD but, frankly, teachers are an eccentric bunch, and none more so than at my school, so, basically, I fit right in. In many ways, God has pulled my life together and made it work.     That leaves the food and the obesity. And now I've got a tool for that. A tool that works with my ADHD instead of against it. As long as I keep plenty of options for food that's on my protocol stored at home and stored at school (for when I forget to pack a lunch) my band will let me know when I'm full. As long as I continue to get support from my on-line friends and continue to write this blog to help me deal with all the assorted issues that accompany my food addiciton, I think I can beat the odds against me as an ADHD, arthritic woman recovering from this eating disorder.     By the grace of God, I am Cheri, a recovering food addict.
 

Validation and Pizza

Tuesday, June 16, 2009   Validation and Pizza     The support of those I love and of various friends has been amazing. I feel supported and confident most of the time. I've been prayed with and prayed for and the degree of understanding and compassion has been very validating.   I've lost 10 lbs on this low-carb liquid diet which should be good for the surgery. Hopefully, my liver has shrunk. I haven't been very hungry which is amazing. Writing in this blog has been a tremendous release for me and is one of the reasons I think I'm not even thinking about food--most of the time. Tonight I was visiting with my granddaughter when my son said he'd ordered himself some pizza. I had to leave. Pizza is one of those foods I only eat at parties; I never have it at home. I absolutely can't stop eating it. I had to leave. I don't know if I'll ever have pizza again, and the temptation was overwhelming to have it one last time.   A few weeks ago, we had a healing service at church. The point was made that we need to thank God for the healing we will receive through medical services as well as through more direct intervention. We were encouraged to seek prayer for healing in whatever form God chose to grant it. I'm not afraid to have surgeries and take medicine for various conditions. I've prayed for healing--particularly for healing from food addiction, because so many of the other conditions are the result of my addiction. I've always felt that asking for relief from my other ailments would not be honored by God until the food addiction was dealt with.   So I went up and asked for prayer for healing in whatever ways God chose to grant it. After that is when the "If your eye offends you, pluck it out" verse came to me and I transposed it, humorously, and then seriously, to"If your stomach offends you, tie it off."   The amazing thing is, since the nurse called me with a date for the surgery, and I went ahead and scheduled it, I've been experiencing a lot less pain. The excercises I've been doing to stretch and strengthen my neck, lower back, and hips stopped killing me. The pain in my neck when I swing my arms while I walk, as well as the pain in my hips has subsided considerably. I tried out a different position while sleeping that seems to be helping both my neck and hips get stretched and positioned while I sleep. I'm sleeping better and able to stay asleep longer.   I had to go off my anti-inflammatory (non-steroidal drug) prior to surgery in order to prevent excessive bleeding and I thought I was going to be in a lot of pain for the week prior to surgery. I'm stiff, but acetaminaphin alone has been sufficient to handle the pain.   I can only imagine what kind of improvement I'll show once the weight is off.   Pizza-costly.   Validation from my friends, family, and Heavenly Father. Priceless.
 

Unwrapping the Mummy

Friday, August 14, 2009   Unwrapping the Mummy     I don't know how many of you are on Facebook, but people write random things that are happening in their lives, or observations about their lives. Very seldom does anyone write anything profound. Many people seldom post but just read everything everyone else writes.   I have some people as friends whom I don't know well at all and a few who I'm not quite sure how I became "friends" with them in the first place. I have a lot of people who play the same games as I do and I keep them in a separate group and seldom look at their posts. But among those whose posts I check there are some who trouble me.   What troubles me is some blatent codependency that almost screams from some of their posts. Pain and anger, ongoing victimization, resentment, and no clue how to deal effectively with the people who anger them.   Like I've stated before, everyone is codependent. If we don't really want to please others or help them, we're most likely sociopaths. But for some people, this desire is over the top. It was for me. As someone from a highly religious family I was groomed to be codependent. It was the woman's role. As someone with ADHD, a disorganized dreamer who couldn't keep a house neat or follow a complex recipe, I frequently failed in the housewife/mother role that I was raised to do, or thought I failed. Especially with a highly critical husband who thought I should be making up for his ADHD.   But man I tried so hard--tried so hard to be organized, to keep a clean house, to cook good meals, to keep everyone on schedule. And so much of it was done to try to please my ex and control his behavior towards me, and eventually his drinking, and to please my children, who, as we all know, will take that kind of ball and run with it.   And I ate. I ate to control the ADHD, yes, but I also ate to comfort myself and compensate myself for trying to be someone I was not. I'm sure that, just as my Facebook acquaintances anger and sense of victimization comes out in their posts, so did mine. There was no Facebook yet, but I know that when I talked to my friends, it came out. Many of them came from similar situations and had similar gripes.   Thank God for Alanon and for counseling where I learned to ignore so much of my husband's criticism, and to go ahead and do what I wanted to do and what I needed to do without his approval. That may have partly led to the divorce, since I was no longer wrapped up in trying to please.   And that was a good thing. It was a horrible experience but ultimately good for me. I learned how to give tough love in the years before, during, and after the divorce; and that's partly why I'm so successful as a teacher.   Codependency and food addiction are very much intertwined. When you are a people-pleaser you give away your integrity. You're not held together at the center with a strong sense of who and whose you are; so you give pieces of yourself away to everyone. People-pleasing becomes your identity. What's amazing is that you think you're doing God's will. And you expect the people around you to appreciate you. Instead, you're damaging the people around you and they don't appreciate it at all. And you've lost the person God created you to be.   You insulate your emotions with food because if the anger and hurt and resentment ever came fully to the surface, you feel like you'd fragment into a thousand shards. You wrap the fat around yourself like a giant bandage as well as a cushion to hold yourself together and protect yourself from the assaults of those you love the most.   So, I'm finally ready to unwrap the mummy and remove those bandages. I've done it before, but in the past when I've gotten to the end of the bandages, I would just roll myself right back up in them. Maybe I just felt too raw and naked without their protection.   Since I am not currently medicating myself with food, it does not surprise me that my ADHD is having a heyday. But emotionally and spiritually, I actually feel strong. Exposing myself to a wide audience through this blog, deliberately making myself vulnerable, letting everyone know this is who I am, these are my foibles, these are my assets, this is what I struggle with, has given me armor.   This gives me integrity. This gives me that strong center of knowing who I am and whose I am. And I know that if God be for me, who can stand against me.
 

Trivia

Monday, June 29, 2009   Trivia     Lost between 15-20 lbs.   Ate Tilapia and Cauliflower twice today. Ate tiny bites well-chewed, but still, real food.   Egg whites need to have milk, dash salt, chili pepper, and ground pepper, fork whipped, fried in Pam, and sprinkled with low-fat Mexican cheese. Otherwise throw them out.   Get 32 oz. fluid intake and your milk intake by using decaf coffee poured over ice with milk and Splenda. Sip slowly and enjoy. One in the morning, one in the afternoon.   Refried beans with green chiles, sprinkled with low-fat Mexican cheese, with green hot sauce, tastes pretty good and gives you protein.   Protein comes before everything else. Eat it first and most. The stomach doesn't hold a lot and the body needs protein to heal and to keep the body from losing muscle while losing weight.   Feel free to fart frequently
 

Trimming the Fat

Tuesday, September 22, 2009   Trimming the Fat     Well, what can I say. I'm back at work full blast. I see kids before school and a large number of kids after school in order to bring up the number of contacts with the kids, both for their sake and for mine. If they qualify, I can see them 5x a week for math, 5x for reading. But fitting that many contacts into the school day is extremely difficult, especially with a lot of the scheduling changes to accommodate the smaller population at RCS. But my program brings in money based on the number of contacts I have with the kids. Also, the kids really need the extra help.   I'm really glad I have the weight off, or I would never be able to handle that many straight periods of teaching. I think I teach for 10 or 11 periods a day. Then I go home and eat and then try over the next 2 hours to get out and walk for at least an hour. I check out Facebook and Lapbandtalk, play a little Mafia Wars while I watch a little TV. I think about writing in my blog--and sometimes I still do--then I go to bed.   Food is going well despite loss of restriction. I can't get in to get a fill until Oct. 27. So I'm back dieting until then. That's a royal pain. It was so nice knowing the band wasn't going to let me overeat. Now its hanging on by my fingernails time again.   One thing thats actually helping right now is the fact that I've divested myself of all church commitments except for choir. I spend time with my grandchildren, but other than that I haven't much of a life. I'm not a phone person, so spend very little time talking to people. The lack of things to do, instead of always running, actually allows me some structure and predictability in my life--especially my evenings, which is a friend to dealing with food. My days have never been that much of a problem because work has a routine. It's always been evenings and weekends that the food gets out of control because there are no routines to act a external controls.   I feel like God is preparing me for something. I just don't know what. I think about getting involved with certain things and then I think--do I really want to? I'm becoming somewhat reclusive, a loner, in my personal life. I think I appear gregarious in public but there's always a certain level of discomfort in a public setting. Will I put my foot in my mouth? Will I talk more than I should? Will I accidentally hurt someone's feelings? Will I get pulled into gossip? Will I express myself poorly and will someone take what I said the wrong way and try to cause trouble for me? Will I unknowingly lose a friendship?   Those are the fears of an ADHD adult woman. Fears founded in reality for all those things have happened to me. Frequently.   I still chat on lapbandtalk. I've poured out a lot of myself into this blog. I respond to other's comments on Facebook, but have very little to say myself. I'm running out of words for this blog. I've been emptied in some ways. As the food takes more of a back seat in my life, and I run out of words, and the committments to all but family have been dropping away, I'm wondering what's going to replace it.   Even my job could end after this year. I can feel myself withdrawing slightly from all the things I did at RCS-letting go of RCS' future. I've planted a lot of seeds, now its in other's hands. I'm seeing the fruit of some of those seeds which makes me feel incredibly humble that God has used and is continuing to use those ideas.   God is changing me. Removing baggage. Trimming the fat (LOL) in more ways than one. I'm waiting for the next great passion to hit. The thing that will grab me and motivate me and give me vision and trigger my problem solving ideas. If I could get paid for having ideas, I'd be rich.   By the way, I'm up to a 44 lb weight loss. That leaves 26 to go.   God is good, all the time. All the time, God is good.
ifyourstomachoffendsyou

ifyourstomachoffendsyou

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To Lose or not to Lose, That is the Question

Wednesday, November 4, 2009     My grandson, Josh, is doing a little better today. Still in pain and very cranky. I just hope he hasn't given himself the start of some major neck problems.   I had a good food day and walked very briskly for an hour again. I lost my Halloween weight but I've been struggling with that 2 or 3 lbs for awhile. I found it really hard to get back on my food protocol this time. I had a lot of sugar and chocolate for a few days--less than in the past but it still probably whacked out my insulin because the cravings have been bad.   In addition people are hinting that my weight is now about just right for my build and age. I'm 183 lbs., 5'9", 57 yrs old. I'm looking really good. I feel great. I've upped the intensity of my walkout. Can't believe how fast I can walk now and how much ground I can cover.   My Dr. suggested 170 lbs as my goal. I settled on 167 lbs because that's exactly 70 lbs. off. It's very tempting to stop losing now. I'm thin enough to look good in my clothes and I'll never look good without them so I'm suddenly not sure I want to keep losing weight. However, every lb. off is more weight off my back and hips and knees and feet.   I still struggle with arthritis. I have to sit a long time after a walk and I never stop really hurting. It's better and I'm moving much more freely, but I'd like to be even free-er. Hanging upside down on my inversion table helps.   I miss the sun. I can see the sunlight from m window during the day but by the time I leave the school the sun is gone. I'm still able to walk outside but I'm not looking forward to moving indoors. My treadmill is in my stinky basement and walking round and round a track at the community center doesn't offer much of a view. Being outside exercising helps me so much with both depression and ADHD which helps me deal with the food. Indoor exercise is just not the same.   Ah well. I'll survive.   I've lost this much weight before but I've always gained it back. Eventually, the thought of trying to lose weight, only to face the prospect of gaining it all back was so discouraging I didn't even want to try. I'm getting close to the maintenance point. I'd like to make it a sticking point. In the past I didn't have the band as a tool. Now I do.   The part of my brain that's missing when it comes to knowing when to stop eating now has the assistance of my band.   Thank God for my band. Eating triggers my addiction, yet I have to eat to live. For whatever reason, God has chosen not to take away this thorn in the flesh. But he has allowed me to acquire a tool in my battle.   God is good, all the time. All the time, God is good.
ifyourstomachoffendsyou

ifyourstomachoffendsyou

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Things That Make Me Feel Good.

Thursday, October 29, 2009   Things That Make Me Feel Good.     It was supposed to be 65 and sunny today. I was so looking forward to coming home and walking outside. Well, the sun never showed up and it never quite reached 65. I came home and got dressed for my walk, walked out the door and was met with a steady drizzle. This has been an incredibly wet autumn. So I changed coats, put on a hat, and went walking anyway. It was still light enough to see the golden colors of the remaining leaves. But I would have loved to have seen them lit by the sun. I think I do have a little more restriction. Which is good because I'm really craving food. Especially carbs.   Ahh Vicodin. Used after surgeries and for all types of pain. Kept me up all night in addition to constipating me. Puts some people to sleep. Me, it kept awake. Made my heart race. Hated it. Don't understand how people get addicted to it.   Love Miralax. Its my friend. Veggies and salads have never helped with my constipation. Took tons of fiber. Worked, but gave me gas. Course, so does the band. Or the Miralax. Or the protein shakes. Or the Kashi bar. Or all the protein. After the band I made up a new saying, "Feel free to fart frequently."   Lot of Dr.s telling people to take Vitamin D. Sometimes put them on megadoses to get their levels up. But some people don't feel well on the megadoses. You know, I take over the counter Vitamin D with no side effects. No megadoses. I probably get about 2-4000 IU per day. I'm increasing it because of the lack of sunshine this fall. I think its really helped with my Seasonal Affective Disorder.   I need to share a tidbit about the cerebellum and exercise. It used to be thought that the cerebellum, at the bottom back of your brain, only controlled movement. Now it is known that it is the source of sequencing which is the basis of logic, higher level thinking skills and math. When you excercise you burn neural pathways that increase your sequencing skills, thereby making you smarter. A school whose students ran for half an hour before school every morning not only saw obesity almost eliminated, they saw dramatic increases in test scores.   So, get moving ladies. Maybe we should make all politicians, business leaders, insurance CEOs, and pundits go out and run every morning. They could use some logic skills.   I also read yesterday that 30 minutes of aerobic exercise increases one's sense of well-being for up to 12 hours. I walked over an hour today. In the rain. And I felt good.   God is good, all the time. All the time, God is good.
ifyourstomachoffendsyou

ifyourstomachoffendsyou

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There But For the Grace of God

Friday, June 12, 2009   There but for the grace of God :crying:     Today I spent 9 hours having tests and seeing Doctors--well, at least I was in their waiting rooms. I saw the surgeon, the dietician, and the anethesioligist's nurse practitioner with a brief talk with the anesthesiologist.   Taking medical histories has become quite time-consuming. Hippa may be partly responsible for that. You have to give the same information over and over again.   The low-carb liquid diet I'm on has already made me lose 5 lbs. It's supposed to shrink your liver prior to surgery so that the Dr. can do the surgery with only 1 incision. This incision will then become the port to adjusting the band as the stomach shrinks.   The way in which I eat will change drastically. It seems counter-intuitive to all the diet advice out there. Although I'll need to drink plenty of liquids, I'll have to refrain from drinking for 30 minutes prior to eating a meal, take 30 minutes to eat my meal with no liquids, and wait 30 minute to drink again.   Liquids make the food drain out of the stomach faster and make you hungry quicker. You also have to avoid high fiber and breads because they expand with liquid and could expand your stomach. Pop bubbles can do the same. You want to keep the new stomach pouch created by the band small so the feeling of fullnes will occur quickly and last.   I saw a mother with a 4 yr. old in the Dr.'s waiting room. She appeared to have lost a lot of weight and now had skin sacks that still had fat in them hanging down to her knees and underarm skin hanging half-way down her arms. She'll need surgery to remove all that. This addiction does tremendous damage and I feel so grateful that mine has not brought me to that point and at such a young age. There but for the grace of God go I.   As it is I am on 3 blood pressure meds, and 4 cholesterol meds. But there are people much worse than I. If it weren't for my co-morbidities I'm not even heavy enough to qualify for the surgery.   If it weren't for the line-up of meds on my counter, the borderline diabetes, and my rapidly deteriorating joints and constant pain exacerbated by the extra weight, I would not be doing this surgery. I would still be trying all the ineffective methods that only ever worked for a while and despairing of ever getting this compulsion under control and out of my head.
 

The Cost of Food Addiction

Monday, June 15, 2009   The Cost of Food Addiction     Sometimes I kid myself and think the only person I've hurt with my addiction is myself. My life so often consists of helping everyone else. How can I be hurting them?   Food is a barrier to intimacy. I don't talk while I eat. I'm totally absorbed in my food, which I devour like someone might take it away before I'm done. I just might stick them with a fork if they tried. I stand and stare at food which I want to eat but know I shouldn't. I leave conversations at parties in order to go snatch a little more food. I open and shut cabinets and refrigerator doors hoping there will be something in there that will quell the restlessness of ADHD but have no caloric impact. Fat chance.   Food has robbed the people around me of my presence and also of funds that could have been spent on things like home improvement and vacations. I don't want to even begin to tally up the costs, not only of excess food, but of medicine for conditions created or exacerbated by overweight, as well as over-the-counter supplements to try to prevent me from eating or to counter-balance the ill effects of overeating. I've spent money at weight watchers and Jenny Craig. I may have helped the economy but I robbed my family.   The epidemic of obesity in this country has raised the cost of insurance for everyone else astronomically. You're paying for my obesity.   Insurance companies don't make it easy to get this surgery. Personally, I think they might save money in the long run if they made it more available to those who are pre-morbidly obese, who have not yet become physically handicapped, diabetic, or had debilitating heart attacks or strokes, before the counter is lined by medicines needed to counteract the effects of obesity.   Nutritionists, weight-loss gurus, magazines, self-help groups, and Oprah all bombard us with information about the dangers of overeating and how we should eat, but that doesn't stop the compulsion and it hasn't even slowed down the epidemic. At the nutrition classes I was required to attend prior to surgery, I knew the answer to every question the nutritionist posed. Knowledge is not always power. Oprah, herself, is living proof. Even with her own pet nutritionists and work-out gurus, the weight came back.   I believe that I'm going to cost my family and the insurance company a lot less in the future. The Lord willing I'll be able to be there for my grandchildren, I'll be able to keep teaching full time, I'll be better off financially, I'll actually look at and talk to my husband while I eat, I'll feel better, look better, move better, and not make a meal out of pills. I'll be able to be the best Cheri God created me to be, the person he made me to be from the beginning.
 

The Band is Good, Life is Good, God is Good.

Friday, January 1, 2010   The Band is Good, Life is Good, God is Good.     Last night my husband and I went to see Avatar. Incredible! The new 3-D technology is amazing. The world they created was stunningly beautiful and the action was out of this world--literally. I ate movie popcorn for the first time in forever. Then we went to Barnes and Nobles and read for a while and I had a Starbucks Mocha Latte (decaf). Spent the evening watching Wild Hogs and then playing with the new Wii. Nice New Year's Eve.   Despite movie popcorn and starbucks mocha yesterday I was down a pound today. Probably the exercise I got yesterday (went walking for over an hour) and the fact that in addition I only had a protein shake and a little turkey and some milk in my coffee yesterday. So just one more holiday lb to go. I can't believe how well I weathered this holiday. Thank you God, thank you band.   You know, I'm not dealing with depression much lately. I guess you don't realize how much of it has gone because it goes away so gradually, but today I realized how positive I'm feeling. I have a happy light I sit under at night while I combine watching TV with Facebook, Lapbandtalk, and occasionally writing in my blog. I also take mega doses of Vitamin D. Both have helped me considerably. Losing weight and getting back in shape might not have happened without them and now the weight loss and physical health are making me feel great.   I think I've really been working on that "change your thoughts, change your brain, change your life thing." Keeping my Phillipians verses in mind--I am content, no matter what my circumstance, I can do all things through him who strengthens me, and thinking about what is good and noble and lovely, have all been part of the process. I've done some dumping and ranting on here and on lapbandtalk but that was just cleaning out the garbage.   I have always been at my highest level of energy in the morning and days when there's sunlight I get a lot accomplished. Days when there's not I can really drag at home. Fortunately, my classroom is well lit with florescents and has huge windows on the south side. It also has locked iron gates over them because they're at ground level in a very bad neighborhood, but I don't notice them anymore. I'm going to buy vines and twine them through and add flowers.   Now that my holiday cold is just remnants I've been continuing work on closets and sorting jewelry and cleaning. Won't get as much done this vacation as I would if I'd been healthy but, oh well. Today the sun was shining though it was cold outside, so I stayed in my well-lit living/dining room and got a lot done.   Today I totally forgot about eating. I kept drinking coffee with milk and my husband had mixed some choc.raspberry flavored real cofee in with my decaf. I didn't realize I hadn't eaten till 4 p.m. So I stewed all my turkey meat from Sunday and added peas and canned gravy. Yummm! But I didn't eat too much. Bet I'm down another lb. by tomorrow.   I spent hours on the phone today talking to each of my brothers and sisters. (I'm the oldest of five.) My husband found my headset so I was able to pace while I talked and eventually started cleaning. So now I've got the Wii to keep me busy at night and I'm making a NY resolution to call my brothers and sisters more in the evenings. My one brother lives in CA and the other in MI. I have a sister in TN and another who lives 40 minutes from me but who's 15 yrs younger than me and has a very busy family. One of her daughters (6th grade) has been having increased epileptic seizures and she's been very busy Dr.ing with her and being available to get her from school. I don't see her that much so I'm going to try calling her more.   My sister would love it if I could come and work with my neice as the seizure disorder is accompanied by learning disabilities and she's really struggling in school now. My daughter also wants me to attend my grandson's meeting so she has someone knowledgeable on her side when she insists on official accommodations for him. If I'm not working next year I'd be able to work with both of them, my neice and my grandson.   I finished emptying several drawers in our bedroom. My husband was so happy to get 6 drawers in our bedroom and half a closet in the den next door. He'll get rid of the rubbermaid dresser in the other sitting room which also has only half a closet so he was hanging things on the back of the door. That will make that room so much roomier. Once we get the basement fixed up again either the little den or the little sitting room will become a guest bedroom and the furniture will go downstairs.   I'll be able to entertain and have grandchildren stay overnight. My parents will probably be selling their house and going into a retirement village so my relatives will need a place to come and maybe I'll actually have a place everyone can gather.   Although I am going to have my two grandsons stay overnight tomorrow night. I have a blow-up bed I'll put in the living room for one grandson and put the other one on the couch. I'm leaving up my Christmas stuff so they can see it and fall asleep looking at the lights on the Christmas tree. I loved doing that when I was little.   We'll take down the Christmas decorations on Sunday. I think we're down to 4 or 5 bins. Over time things get broken.   My husband cleaned the basement floor which is now down to the concrete so my grandsons can play down there. I have a corner table with benches and chairs (70's orange naugahyde era) and my 5 yr. old grandson and I will build a lincoln log town on it. My daughter's bringing some riding toys with so they can ride them in the basement. The 2 yr old will love that.   We've got the Wii to teach my 5 yr. old--he'll love the boxing, and we have Candyland and my husband's diecast model cars which they know they have to be very careful playing with and they are. My daughter will bring along a few other favorites.   She needs the break. The boys are extremely ranbunctious for the 4-5 hours before bedtime with the 2 yr old refusing to leave the autistic 5 yr old alone. He's a little bulldozer and finally the five yr old gets mad and shoves him or throws something at him. The 2 yr old always has a new contusion on his face every time I see him. My daughter is exhausted. Her husband works nights and a lot of overtime.   Maybe you can tell I'm really excited about having them overnight. The hard part will be getting them to go to sleep in strange surroundings. Also, the 5 yr. old consistently wakes up at 6 and I've been sleeping till 8. LOL. Will get me back into Monday-go-back-to-work mode.   I'm so glad we got the water and mold problem resolved in the basement. Its ugly as sin down there but I can have people over again.   I'm feeling really optimistic about the new year. I'm very confident my husband will get some kind of work. Lots of security guard work available and they actually like guys his age with a good work history. Waitin' on his official PI certificate (that's what security guards need in IL) to arrive, but he's been filling out all kinds of applications on line and sending resumes.   Roseland Christian School should finish out the school year OK which means I'll have a salary till next Sept. no matter what. If DH is employed and I get unemployment I'll have time next summer to work on employment and going back to school. Possibly rearrange my life completely. Or not. I'm doing the footwork but the results are in God's hands.   So, another humongous post. Probably the last one for awhile as I'll be going back to work Monday. And trying to set up a course this semester that will apply towards my Masters in Sp. Ed. That will keep me busy, also. Less time to eat.   God is good all the time, All the time, God is good.
 

That Way Lies Death

Monday, July 13, 2009   That Way Lies Death     We are all codependents. If we aren't then we're probably sociopaths. Some are drill sergeant codependents, ordering everyone around for what we think is their own good. Others are helicopters, hovering over people, trying to keep them happy. Both believe that what they're doing is for other people's own good. Both are controlling, and both styles prevent other people from learning life lessons they need to learn. Both do for others what they should be doing for themselves. Both end up being resented. Some people alternate between both styles.   The style that is most associated with eating disorders and food addiction is the people-pleasing, keep the peace at whatever cost, submit to the controlling person, negate yourself, take care of others at the expense of yourself style of codependency. The fact is that nobody else can control what or whether or not you eat. Parents of young children soon find this out with their toddlers. People may binge on food to keep from feeling or to medicate the depression, anxiety, loss of sense of self, suppressed anger, etc., or they refuse to eat at all in an attempt to regain some form of control in their lives. Nobody can make me eat, and nobody can stop me from eating.   For women especially, Christianity compounds the issue because it gets justified Biblically. Blessed are the peacemakers, submit to your husbands, in humilty each consider the other better than himself. I'm not going to get into the twisting of the Bible that has led to this form of codependent mentality, but I am going to say the the Bible Belt has some of the largest concentration of women suffering from depression as well as women suffering from obesity.   Being raised in a family affected by substance abuse also contributes to codependency. So does physical and sexual abuse. Even the constant badgering by someone determined to control the thoughts, emotions, beliefs, and actions of those around him/her is a form of abuse that creates codepedency. Its emotional, spiritual, and mental battering.   How do we counteract these influences when they were so much a part of the way we were raised? It doesn't happen overnight.   I can remember a rough time in my life when everyday as I would walk around the neighborhood I would chant, "I am somebody, I am worthwhile, I am somebody, I am God's child." I journaled, I expressed myself through poetry and art. I wrote letters to God in which I poured out my feelings of despair and anger. I attended 12-step programs for codependents. I went on medication for depression. I got counseling. I got a job. I started doing things that made me feel good, that I was good at. I got many change back messages from my family and sometimes I was not nice in the way I broke off some of my codependent behavior.   I still struggle with codependency. I am one of those who can alternate between the people-pleasing form of codependency and its frequent recourse to manipulation, passive-agressive behavior, and avoidance of any form of confrontation, and trying to control the situation by giving lots of advice. When I'm really feeling powerless in the face of someone else's attempts to control me, or treat me like I'm dumb and don't know what I'm talking about, I have been known to yell.   And I eat. I don't think its any coincidence that the times I was successful in getting off the weight, I felt in control of my own life. Everytime I gained it back, with interest, I felt like I had given up my control in order to please someone else, that I was avoiding needed confrontation about behaviors that were jeapordizing me emotionally, mentally, spiritually, and financially. That I wasn't taking care of myself in these ways.   I am far from having it all together. I think the times I've resorted to yelling have been times when the pain of suppressing my feelings and thoughts was so great I've had to vent some of the steam before I could channel it and use it to say and do what really needed to be said and done.   I know this, God did not design me to be a doormat for people to wipe their feet on. And I'm not doing those who would try this any favors by letting them get away with it. Hopefully, I'll find balance and appropriateness in the way I express myself. But I need to express myself and not ignore the feelings or stuff them. That way lies death.
 

Thanksgiving, Tennessee, Teaching

Monday, November 30, 2009   Thanksgiving, Tennessee, Teaching     Thanksgiving was wonderful. Went ahead and ate some extra but walked the hills of Tennessee and came out even. I love Tennessee. Even in November. Saw snow up close on the mountaintops, came down to pleasant weather. Walking was a workout but what a way to go. Gorgeous stars at night, mist on the lake in the morning, sunset glow behind Bay's Mountain. That's what I'm talkin' about.   Saw my sister and her husband. He's very ill and I wanted to spend time with him. Got to talk to my sister. I'm not a phone person so that was great. We also went to Ashville and got to see a lot of arts and crafts, but did most of my shopping at Mast General Store where they have everything. Got almost all my Christmas shopping done there.   This was a major holiday, normally an absolute stuffed to the gills holiday. I did eat stuffing (my favorite) but I was not stuffed. I enjoyed my food and all the leftovers over the weekend. The band definitely helped me walk away. I had to watch the quantities of slider food. But taking lots of walks and not just sitting around my sister's house helped a lot.   I really became aware once more of how much I need to move and be busy. With the weather going to be getting worse around here I know I won't be able to walk outside as frequently and some weeks (months?) not at all. Plus the walking doesn't work the same muscles as climbing all those hills in Tennessee and that definitely upped my workout. So I'm going to get to school early most mornings and do the stairs there for half an hour. Did that this morning. Didn't even break a sweat. Sixty lbs ago I'd have been covered in sweat after one or two rounds.   I'm also doing a hundred ab crunches on our ab cruncher my husband picked up at a garage sale. Don't really feel that either. My cardiovascular system has to be vastly improved.   I am having such a good year at work. My groups are all manageable, and remarkably well-behaved. They're making great strides in learning that I can almost touch. I have fewer kids whom I see more often in many cases allowing me to really tackle remediating their weak areas while strengthening their strengths. I'm better at using Love & Logic to manage classroom behavior. I'm getting better and better at teaching, period.   I love teaching. I feel so good when I'm teaching. I can't wait to get to my job in the morning. Seeing these kids faces when the light of comprehension dawns, watching them decide to take learning seriously, the enthusiasm for the novels they read and the new math techniques they learn just inspire me. The kids can't wait to get to my classroom. Even the 6th-8th graders are buckling down in ways that are amazing me.   I think there's been a sea change at the school. We lost many students when we cracked down on those not paying tuition, but the kids we're left with are coming from families determined to make the most of the dollars they're spending. I think its making a difference. Now we need to attract more of those families and students. With the Lord's help, I think we will.
ifyourstomachoffendsyou

ifyourstomachoffendsyou

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Tell Your Story

Friday, July 24, 2009   Tell Your Story     I was in a restaurant today. I didn't think I'd been experiencing much restriction but I ate bread for the first time (other than a bite or two in the past.) Pita bread with goat cheese, tomato, olive and hummus. Also had a little spanakopita. I bp'd (productive burped, not British Petroleum)into a raised flower bed facing the street (we were seated outdoors) very discreetly. Yuck, yuck, yuck. The nutritionist was right when she said bread can expand in your stomach. I was eating slowly and chewing well and still bp'd. On a good note, my husband and I chewed up the sidewalk in downtown Chicago. I was able to walk and walk and walk. (Think about the initial letters in pita bread. Now reverse them and what do they spell?)   It was good to know that I still have some restriction, but not the nicest way to find out. I sat on the edge of the flower bed with my back to the restaurant and I think the only person who noticed was a motorist whose car was stopped right in front of me. I made sure not to look at her, till she was driving off. She had a very stange smile on her face.   Humor is such an important part of recovery. I told two Christian counselors the name of my blog and they both burst into laughter. Humor lends perspective and keeps us from taking ourselves too seriously. If you've ever been cornered by someone with serious issues who has no sense of humor and who takes every opportunity or topic in a conversation to relate a boring, deadly serious anecdote about themselves, you know exactly what I mean.   Telling our stories is also an important tool in recovery. And you have to tell the bad stuff, too, or the story's not complete and is not believable. If you can do it with a light touch, all the better. But there are some things that happen to us that are totally not funny. That's when we need to convey the emotion and the pain.   I think about people I know and love who were sexually abused. There is absolutely no way to make the telling of that funny. Yet I've seen women smile as they relate the story and minimize its impact on them. Their smiles are closer to grimaces, but they don't know that. I know women who are so damaged by what was done to them (especially with severe, long-term abuse) that they'll never be able to be in a normal healthy relationship or function optimally in the workplace--even after years of counseling and drug therapy.   Many women with eating disorders were sexually abused as children. That doesn't mean that all women with eating disorders were abused, nor do all women who were abused develop eating disorders. I was not abused. But a number of women who were, chose to tell me their stories. Sometimes I've been the first person they've ever told. For them, telling their stories is crucial. Each time they tell another person and are not shamed or rejected for telling, they get closer to healing. Keeping the secret has torn them apart internally. I think women have told me their stories because they sense I am a safe person to tell. All I can do is listen, and that's what I do. I don't tell others. Most of these stories cannot be for public consumption. Sometimes, after a person has told me, they'll find ways to avoid me. The fact that I know their secret is just too uncomfortable for them. But it broke the ice. It will be easier for them to tell the next person.   Everybody has a story to tell. Telling it helps the teller and the listener. When we who are Christians tell our stories, we tell of God's love for us and his grace in walking through the worst experiences with us. Whatever was done to us, was done to him. Whenever we suffer, he suffers. When we laugh, he laughs with us. His is the greatest story ever told, yet he'll listen to our story and hang on every word.   Tell your story.
 

Taking the Good with the Bad

Friday, October 9, 2009   Taking the Good with the Bad     I spent a lot of time this week feeling somewhat depressed. That's the bad news. The good news is I didn't eat. In fact I'm down to a 50 lb. weight loss. Twenty to go.   I still have some restriction, as long as I follow the food protocol. I have my protein shake in the morning, usually 3oz of tuna or chicken for lunch, and various meats and a veggie for supper. I have a Kashie bar (choc. and cherry) for a snack at night. Sometimes I have applesauce and/or a small V8 for an afternoon snack. If there's a treat at school I take a small portion.   I seem to have a special event almost every weekend and I eat 2 protein shakes that day and go ahead and eat everything at the event. I just don't pig out.   I'm walking as much as the weather permits. I'm going to have to clean off the treadmill which currently is full of cement and other dust down in our stripped to bare bones, newly drain-tiled basement. I can't say I'm looking forword to walking on it when the weather gets even worse, but it's cheap excercise.   The depression was caused by news about the financial condition of Roseland Christian School. The other teachers are depressed over the expansion of their responsibilities in order to help the school financially. The school board is depressed because previous boards allowed the mess to happen and now they have to clean it up.   I think its doable and I'm working with the promotions committee to bring in the financial support we need. The school does great work with the kids. Seven or eight blocks from the school a young man was recently beaten to death, which made a change from all the children shot to death, and therefore made the news all over the world. RCS gives kids a safe environment, an excellent education, and a Christian foundation that gives them hope and stability and a good chance to make a better life for themselves that doesn't involve violence.   I have kids who've shown me scars of bullet wounds they received as young children in drivebys. I have students who have fathers shot dead or in prison. I have students who were born crack addicted.   I have students whose parents are dead because of poverty--poor access to timely health care.   I have students whose instincts and brain development have been geared to survival, and not to academics.   I work hard to make my room a safe, loving, nurturing environment, where students can make progress academically, discover their strengths, and begin to visualize a future that goes beyond mere survival.   So do the other teachers at Roseland.   Pray for us, support us.   Tomorrow we have our final celebration of our 125th year. It's a worship service at a church near Roseland. I'm singing in the gospel choir and in a trio.   Then I'm going to my 40th high school reunion at a Christian high school a half hour's journey from where I teach. It will be like traveling from one country to another. I expect to experience culture shock walking back into my all Dutch highly traditional conservative roots.   I walk between two worlds, each with their strengths and weaknesses, not really belonging to either one of them. This makes it very difficult to form deep, lasting friendships.   This is partly caused by my ADHD, as I let slip things better left unsaid, or I avoid deep friendship in order to avoid saying things that might be hurtful or misinterpreted. I've always had to fight recurring bouts of foot-in-mouth disease.   But I will open my mouth and fight for my kids, my Roseland kids. I love them fiercely. During the time I have them, they become my kids. I pour myself into teaching them, guiding them, seeking to improve the school environment and the academic skills and materials available to all the teachers teaching them, and to use my writing and storytelling skills to help bring in fianancial support.   I don't have a whole lot of time for much else besides seeing my own chidren and grandchildren. Singing in the church choir spiritually sustains me. My husband and I try to do some fun things together that don't cost much on weekends.   But Roseland Christian School has become my cause, my passion. Please pray that I will still find myself working there next year and in the years to come.
ifyourstomachoffendsyou

ifyourstomachoffendsyou

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Taking the Bad with the Good

Wednesday, June 24, 2009   Taking the Bad with the Good     I'm crabby. I haven't been kind to my husband. We are in the middle of a heat wave and our air has been out. I'm trying to sleep at home, since I didn't sleep well at my mother's. Also, 2 nights in a row, the laxative I took before going to bed came back up on me. Last night was particularly bad. I don't think it ever dissolved and went down the donut hole. Maybe it was oil and floated. It hit the back of my throat and I woke up coughing and gagging to the point of having trouble breathing. Without thinking I'd reswallowed the mess along with all the saliva that'd been activated. My poor little new tummy. It all came up again and I ended up for the next hour coughing and spitting out or wiping out all the saliva and phlegm out of my mouth so my tummy would get a rest. Plus the pain of swallowing was back.   Setbacks are part of life. I will not take that particular laxative again and certainly not at that time. I realized that I might have some real difficulties whenever I get a cold. I don't want to even think about stomach "flu." Fortunately I don't get frequent colds (I think I had one last year) and I get a stomach bug about once every 5-7 years. I really hate throwing up so that's an added incentive to keep the amount of food in my stomach small.   Right now my tummy holds about 2 oz. Once healed it will hold closer to 6 oz. That's a fraction of what it used to hold.   It's midnight and the house has not yet cooled down at all. I've apologized to my husband. My tummy had a different laxative much earlier and everything seems quite settled. Hopefully I'm so tired I'll sleep despite the heat. I'll position the fan to blow on me.   On the blessing side, I went to my daughter's house to stay cool and babysat my 2 yr. old grandson Joshua. He was a joy to be with and enjoyed eating all of my special foods with me. I brought plenty because I knew that would happen. He kissed my tummy to make it better when I showed him the bruising and incision so he would know he couldn't maul me the way he frequently does.   Thank you Lord for providing the medical means to help me get this disease under control. Thank you for grandchildren who make having the surgery to regain my health all worth while. Thank you for air conditioning and for having to live and sleep without it so that I will once again appreciate it. Thank you for setbacks that make me apprecaite when all is going well. Thank you for cream of chicken soup. Every drop was delicious.
 

Taking Care of Myself!

Saturday, July 18, 2009   Taking Care of Myself!     Just the past few days my energy has started coming back and today it roared into town. I walked for an hour and a half and then worked in the garden pulling weeds. Actually its my neighbor's garden. They generally grow weeds and their garden borders mine all the way between our long driveways. They actually have flowers buried in there this year but for years it was mostly weeds. I'd been getting in there this year to help them, they're elderly and both have severe diabetes.   But I haven't done any gardening since my surgery. I didn't want to dislodge my band with all the bending over, plus digging with the shovel puts pressure on the disc in my neck. Fortunately, I did an excellent job weeding my own gardens before surgery. They're just starting to need attention, but the neighbors weeds were tree sized. Some of them were trees.   I've finally got my blood pressure in the normal range--had to go back on all of my meds even after losing 27 lbs. I was holding off on going back on the magnesium and potassium gluconate ut it finally put my blood pressure back in the normal range. That means I feel safe hanging upside down on my incline board and that is really helping my neck. In fact my whole spine is decompressed and I have less trouble with my hip and lower back. That's helping me walk longer. I was also amazed at how quickly I cleaned out a mess of weeds. The loss of 27 lbs really makes a difference. Yeah!   I love gardening and walking. Those are the two activities I've tried to keep doing despite the arthritis pain. Both make me feel good. Both increase my serenity and my concentration.   My food is doing pretty well even though I'm no longer feeling much restriction. My first fill is on Aug. 11. I'm so glad I can garden again. It always keeps me busy and gives me serenity which in turn boosts my willpower. I was careful not to do too much. So far my neck is holding up quite well. (I think there's a pun in there.)   Struggling a little with the fact that my husband has ice cream in the house and he also made cupcakes with chocolate frosting (he's never baked in his life.) I've had a few tastes but haven't pigged out. I don't know if I can handle having things in the house that trigger cravings. I know that if I ask him he won't buy it for himself anymore, but that's not necessarily fair to him. We're trying to not spend money on fast food items or things like DQ, and its cheaper to make treats or have ice cream in the house than go out for them, but I may suggest that he go out to DQ rather than have it and eat it in the house.   I've let him know I'm struggling rather than keep on pretending I don't see him eating it. I need to be honest about the things I struggle with. That's healthier behavior than before. I don't want to make him responsible for my success. Hopefully, we'll reach a reasonable compromise that doesn't compromise my recovery.   My husband has been tackling the dismantling of the basement preparatory to Perma-Seal coming in in October and ending our water problems. What a mess that's been. We're able to leave the studs but are removing all paneling, the insulation behind it, and ugly ceiling tiles whose grids were nailed into the paneling and unsalvageable. We're gutting the bathroom, too. Then, little by little, as my husband's social security checks come in, we'll start putting things back together. Some of the expenses have turned out to not be as bad as we thought they were going to be. That helps.   We decided to repair my car. That cost around $1700 but it was a lot cheaper than buying even a cheap used car. We seem to have found a really good repair man one block from where we live. We should have been going to him for a long time.   So we've fixed one short term problem and are finally making progress on the long-term one. I can't tell you how depressing the basement issue has been. I think finally doing something about my health has given me the impetus to to make the basement a priority and to refuse to spend money on anything else (except emergencies like the car.)   Taking care of the basement water and mold problem, just like getting the lap band surgery, is taking care of myself. Getting my blood pressure under control, hanging from my incline board, walking, and gardening are also taking care of myself. Speaking up if I'm struggling with something, is taking care of myself.   I'm no longer feeling paralized. What a relief!   God is good all the time! All the time God is good!
 

Taking a Break, Getting Back on Track.

Tuesday, October 20, 2009   Taking a Break, Getting Back on Track.     Catch up post. I'm going to be gone for four days at 2 retreats as well as 2 days of conferences. I was at conferences 2 days last week and I've already been at one long meeting after school this week.   My food was off last week but I'm getting it back on track. Almost a month of gray skies, cold weather and off and on rain do not help me cope with food. I still managed to get out and excercise but it was hard. I made it through to my reunions and the 125th anniversary celebration for Roseland Christian School at the weight I wanted to reach, but then it was like I needed a break. If I can get back on track, that will make a change from past periods of weight loss.   Also trying to velcro my butt to the seat at those conferences was really hard, too. Food usually helps me do that. Candy all over, difficult meals to deal with, Halloween candy at home.   However, I'm getting some extraordinary compliments. Fifty pounds off and long hair flipped up in a new style had my stepdaughter, one of my pastors, and some co-workers telling me I looked incredible. My stepdaughter kept repeating, "You're beautiful. Just Beautiful."   Good incentive to get back on track with the food.
ifyourstomachoffendsyou

ifyourstomachoffendsyou

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Surgery as Surrender

Sunday, June 14, 2009   Surgery as surrender     Having once been married to an alcoholic and having attended Alanon for many, many years, I've learned a lot about addiction. I know that we are addicts because we are addicts. Environmental issues can impact the predisposition of our genes, but once our addictions are triggered, we are addicts because we are addicts.   I also know that in order to recover you have to be willing to do whatever it takes. You surrender your will to God and become willing to do whatever it takes, to go to whatever lengths it takes. For an alcoholic or drug addict that may mean going through rehab, going on meds to treat depression that could drive them back into addiction, working the 12 steps constantly, going to 90 meetings in 90 days, calling a sponsor and being sponsored, and never ever touching another drop of alcohol because once they start they can't stop.   In a very real sense this surgery represents my surrender. I will always have to eat to live. Everytime I pick up food it can trigger my addiction. Having attended many Overeater's Anonymous meetings, I can testify that very few people are able to permanantly keep their weight off. Only those who are capable of being really anal seem to succeed. Weighing, measuring, checking every ingredient, counting carbs, calories, points, filling out food plans. These may all be good things but I'm not capable of them--at least not for long. Just the thought of doing these things gives me a panic attack. I hire people to do my paperwork and attend to details because I'm so bad at it. I've accepted my ADHD as a gift and I no longer try to be good at what I'm not good at. I do what I'm good at, which is being a highly flexible, very creative, gifted teacher. I generate ideas like confetti. My lesson plans are barely a guideline.   By having this surgery, my stomach will become the weigher and the measurer. I can follow the simple food guidelines which will take me from clear liquids to 1000-1200 calories a day of healthy food without having to make food plans the rest of my life. Unhealthy food and too much food will make me very uncomfortable. I'll experience satiety--a completely unfamiliar feeling. And I'll be reprogramming the addiction center in my brain.   It won't be easy. I'll still be triggered by the sight, smell, and taste of food. The surgery will be a jumpstart on food sobriety, like going into rehab. I'll still have to surrender my food to God every day. But with my body cooperating instead of fighting it, I stand a much better chance of success. This is the length to which I am willing to go to acheive food sobriety and better health. This is my surrender to God. If your stomach offends you, if it causes you to stumble, if its an obsession that takes you away from being able to love God above all and your neighbor as yourself--tie it off.
 

Surgeries Done, New Life's Begun

Friday, June 19, 2009   Sugery's Done, New Life's Begun     Surgery went well. The Dr. fixed a hiatal hernia (common with overweight people) which should fix my GERD (gastroesophogeal reflux). That'll be one less pill right there. However, with laparoscopic surgery air gets put into the abdominal cavity. Every time I take a sip of liquid and I swallow some air goes into my stomach which pushes on the air outside the stomach which presses some nerve in the diaphram that sends referred pain to the shoulders. I should absorb that air in a few days. My stomach's a little sore, but so far, there are very few repercussions to me physically. I'm only allowed to drink clear liquids for the first 5-7 days, and believe me, that's all I can handle.   I can't garden for a few weeks or take a bath or go swimming. There's a port under the skin that the Dr. will use to adjust my lap band (think inflatable doughnut.) He'll put a needle through that port to blow up the ring as my stomach shrinks and the band loosens. If I have complications, the band can be removed.   I am quite mobile, I can walk as much as I want, I just can't do anything strenuous that might move the band out of place. I want to thank everyone for their thoughts and prayers. I was very at peace before the surgery that I was doing the right thing and that God was with me.   I'm excited and scared about this new life but I know God is walking with me through it all.
 

Sometimes Reality Bites

Tuesday, September 15, 2009   Sometimes Reality Bites     So, my husband is looking for part time work to supplement his Social Security. Probably Best Buy again. Its crazy that a 62 year old highly competent man can't get full time work--mostly because employers don't want to pay health care for an older worker.     It feels like this is no longer the land of opportunity. So many workers being kept part-time to avoid paying health care. I wonder if all the companies outsourcing to other countries and paying as little as possible to workers in this country realize they've created an underclass of people who can't afford the products and services they're providing? So they cut even more creating a vicious cycle of increasing near-poverty.     I'm so full of arthritis. Even with the weight loss the extra excercise keeps me in constant pain--especially at night when it wakes me up. Mostly its my hip waking me up. I think the steps at work are whats killing the hip. Walking doesn't seem to irritate it much, but add the stairs and its too much. I've adjusted my classroom to accommodate my arthritis. I sit mostly while teaching. I have a flat overhead I use with some materials (it lies only a half inch higher than the table) so I can use it sitting without having to raise my arm to write on it. My assistant does most of the paperwork which relieves me of enormous stress on my neck. But the school is not handicapped accessible and I do climb stairs a lot. I frequently need to speak to a teacher who might be two stories up or go fetch a class that's running late or that the teacher forgot to send.   I wish I could work out more so that when I hit goal I won't have to stay at 1000-1200 calories to maintain but I don't think that's going to happen. Just ate some Cheetos, not a lot, but that tells you what kind of mood I'm in. Haven't had those in months. Not since before surgery.   My job may not exist next year and the thought of finding another teaching job where I can adjust things to accommodate both my arthritis and my ADHD is quite overwhelming. It took me a number of years to get everything running so smoothly.   I've lost jobs before but I wasn't 57. Oh well, the Lord will have to provide if I can't. He's always opened a door for me, but I see all kinds of believers struggling desperately because of the economy and a broken health care system.   Kind of a downer, eh?   I'm not sure I can "10-10-10" this. I'm not sure there's a decision to be made at this point. I really don't want to go back to school which I think I'd need to do to get another teaching job. I probably could do a pros and cons on that. To stay in teaching or not, to go back to school or not, to look at other careers and receive training or try to break into those, or not. Or I may just be buying trouble and the new vendor next year will hire me without making me go back to school or changing my program so it no longer fits me.   For the next 10 minutes it doesn't impact me. In 10 months I'll know and I should have a back up plan in place. In 10 years I'll be retired and the amount of income I'll have depends on my choices now as well as a whole lot of things beyond my control--like the economy, my meager retirement fund, the decreasing value of my house, etc. I have to overcome this inertia that's paralyzing me, but my ADHD works against me. It needs the overwhelming pressure of an immediate crisis to focus on a problem and solve it.   Sorry about that. Once in a while the "what ifs" start to overwhelm me. Life is never easy. But my band is working and I'm working it and the weight is dropping.   Praise God.
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ifyourstomachoffendsyou

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