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dark days

O.K I have not posted for some time now and have to say I hope this helps as it has done in the past for me. Oh god i need some help right now. Am really struggling with a lot of things going on in my life at the moment and my one truest and oldest friend of all has come knocking, actually both of them have. Depression and my bestest buddy in the whole wide world FOOOOOOODDDDDDDDDDDDDD. What is wrong with me???? This moodsettles over me like a big dark cloud and nothing shakes it,well something must cos it comes and goes but this time it's bad. I have a fill tomorrow but for what???? Igotto goaldid the ttuck, got the cthes holiday and all the other stuff but the peace withmyself??? no. I dont thinkI ever will, my head is just whirringall the time, non stop and it is exhausting. I actually feel like ihave absolutly nothing, nothing at all worth doing at the moment, work , kids house nothing, would just like to stay inbed and wait this out insteadof carrying on outwardly while falling apart slowly inwardly, Is it the best bit or the worst bit that nobody even knows??? The thought of work, school run,footy, dancing getting up is exhaustingand i dont think i can keep this up, i would love a few days by myself i thinkjust to get through the next few days of this and then i'll beright agian, Sposed to be going to a concert saturday night but its caouple of hours drive there and then back again, soo I am sposed to start work early sat arrange baby sitters got to work sunday, act as if i am married to hubsand of the year and go but the thought of it all is horrendous all i can think of is icould be inbed. Just go to bed cause another huge row over what is sposed to bea thoughtful gift but in reality is dreaded, and 2 hours in the car there and then back and work and I cant do it. I really just want all the responsibility taken away for a couple of days and all i want is the bed and to sleep. chooky
Chooky

Chooky

3
 

silver linings

I haven't blogged for a while,, wow this site has changed a bit. I have had one of the worst days here in a while and I know as I write this that in the grand scheme of things it is nothing absolutly nothing but I need to write it somewhere so it leaves me for a minute. Hubby has been away working since August and not really that contactable as phones drop out and coverage and ..... Kids are beginning to drive me nuts and little things with them that generally get piffiled away are getting yelled at, my family are, to be fair not all of them.. have said some pretty unforgivable things to me with other members saying don't worry about it. Well you do don't you. being trodden all over and still expected to be all smiley and accomodating, Walked out of job this morning, after being treated like crap all week, and am so tired i could lay down and not bother to get up again and allthis crap has made the band so tight nothing for me tonite.... The silver lining is.... Ayear ago I would of put up with all the sh**$t. But Laying in bed going over everything again and agian as you do I realised , I dont have to take it, I am deserve better than that, and for the first time ever I mean it, I actually believe it. How to deal with it all , who knows????????????????????????????? Right now i don't think i even care. AND it feels better just to put it out there Cheers Chooky
Chooky

Chooky

3
 

Job done

:smile2:Well its been ages since I blogged, but a fair bit has happened in that time. I past all the goals I set for myself and had the tummy tuck done on the 13 April so it was all before my one year bandaversary. How do I feel now????? Well thats the strange thing , instead of jumping up and down alday everyday I still find myself in that fat head space:confused:It takes a lot to see the changes we make and the fact that this is it forever is huge. Dont get me wrong its great and I now wiegh 72kg and have a great time at parties and go out because I have stuff to wear and the kids think this is great too. But....... I am still the same person on the inside and an awful lot of peopledont seem to get that at all, I am a lot less defensive and on edge and a lot more tolerant , but in sdaying that people are of me now that the fat has gone, so I wont take all the blame for that one. It must be the weather, it's cold and rainy here:thumbdown:But good luck to you all and to those at the beginning of the road keep walking down it because it is worth it. Cheers Chooky:smile2:
Chooky

Chooky

1
 

Photo op

:cool:How come whenever a fat photo or v.unflattering photoof me ispassed around my mother in law wants a copy??? well 70kg and a tummy tuck and all prettied up for a friends bday photos getting passed around, and let me tell you no copies required thankyou very much:angry: In fact only comment made was what a good photo of my husband it was and he is nearly filling the whole thing (thats a different issue entirely) ok dad in law didn't know it was me and thats ok cos I still look at it and don't connect, but come on would it kill her to at least say "nice watch" or "Hey i dont really think your good enough for the family and being fat was the only thing I could really use against you now your thin I'm screwed so...... stick your photo's????" or ????? Well ....:laugh::tt2::w00t: to you mother in law, go climb a tree, oh your grandaughter thinks I,m pretty and lots of fun and i am her mum so that what matter's... The best bit is and I know itspathetic I have framed a copy and put it on their dresser as a gift, lmao:lol: Cheers Chooky
Chooky

Chooky

2
 

Well

Comming to the end of my wieght loss with the band I am beginnig to realise just how all consumming my food issue's were. They just filled the days and nights with little or no room left over for anything else, this is where the big now problem is... There is this huge void in my life, if anybody had told me at hte beginning that I would feel this way I would of laughed and said no way, but after a life time of having this constant wheel running in my head for it to be gone has actually left me depressed and I need to fill it some other way, but with what. Sadly I come to realise that I have no real interests, the main one was food, then diets then food, then lapband, but at the end of the journey, I have found I have the blah's big time, cos now I should be getting on with just living but I don't think I actually know how to do that after a life time of living for food. Pathetic but it is as if a friend has died or something, and it's no good trying to explain this to people cos they think your nuts Cheers Chooky
Chooky

Chooky

1
 

Ab bra ca dab bra

So I booked the tummy tuck and thats all fine and am happy with the decision until i dream repeatedly that i am in a magicicans show and am in one of those box'es where they saw you in half:sad::thumbup: It's not like I will cancel it or anything but....... geez Cheers Chooky
Chooky

Chooky

1
 

Whats that?

I was sitting at the breakfast table this morning and my son asked me "whats that?" Turns out he has never seen my collar bones before. lol Christmas here was great and was under my goal of 100kg and as it stands now am 88kg which is 7kg under my original goalso thats a total of 44kg lost in 7 months. No more fills for the forseeable future and picking a date for the tummy tuck is next. What a journey this has been and now the next phase has started.:confused: Cheers Chooky
Chooky

Chooky

4
 

What happened back there?????

Nobody ever said "Hey you are getting really fat these day's". If I am honest I wouldn't of listened anyway but........ Holy Sh***t when did it happen???:tt1: What has brought this on? Well the whole house is asleep and not a creature is stirring not even a mouse, except for me who was lokking for a book and then started looking at a couple of old photo albums and it has left me in shock. Fat engagement , fat birthdays , fat weddings, (mine and others) fat look at my new baby's , fat on a camel ( i am so sorry but I had lost weight!!!):frown:fat in the pool, fat on holiday.. fat fat fat.... HUGE . My poor baby looked so tiny, I look miserable in all the photo's, I wasn't it was just the way the fat pulled my face down. I feel such sadness looking at this person, which is strange because it's as if I am grieving for someone or something I don't even know. Really its just horriffic to see myself like that and know how bad I felt all the time. 7 Months down the lapband track and lost 40kg I just think of all the hate and anger I carried around all the time, it's like as the wieght has gone that has too. But how do I say sorry to all those people I hid from, or lashed out at because I couldn't stand being me so made up all sort of irrattional ways in my head to excuse myself from the situations or pick at the slightest faults, to hide my huge one, how do I get back those lost years with my babies, who just annoyed me with thier demands for my time and making me do things other mums could and I couldn't, not because of some terrible thing but because i was fat, I can't get it back. How could I of loved food more than them??? I feel truly sorry for that woman who has wasted so much time and hated herself and so many around her for so long and I am sorry for her stupidity because those people still love her and the shame is a killer, but.... I've written this with out a real connection to her, its as if I am looking at someone I knew a long time ago and strangly feel as if I am grieving For Her???????? Moved on and away from her, n ot feeling confused because I am happy and sunny days are fun, not looking over my shoulder for something all the time and wondering whats missing. Well it's her and finding those photo's made me realise it, she's gone and I am moving on and it's sad but it's good, I am done with her and her crap so is my family. I feel everyday I am finding something in me that was always there but I wouldn't look for and its peaceful, its not confused and angry its just nice, there are a lot of butterflies in my garden I never noticed them before but they are everywhere and I just sit and watch them, they just resonate calm, they have always been there year in year out I got told, go figure hey I just noticed them. Peace + calm to you all Cheers Chooky
Chooky

Chooky

4
 

Twinkle Twinkle

:wink2:Well that's the xmas decorating done and the lights on and it's funny to see my 4 year olds face at the tree getting lit up, she thinks it's just the ducks nuts to see all that twinkle twinkle, I just think, thankgod that job is outta the way now I can start on the dish'es. We even made some Santa Button biscuits and due to yesterday's fill and the band in general there will be still biscuits tomorrow. Met a friend for coffee who has'nt seen me for about 30kg and even though it killed her say it she said you just look normal ( thanks to very big knickers and scaffolding for a bra) and that was the best compliment I have ever heard, also because her battle of the fridge and drive thru mirrors my own and we have been on every diet together. Got a text tonite telling me she has rejoined wieght watcher's again. I am so glad I dont have to go through that shit again, like I said before no more mind game's.. Dont get me wrong there are still alot that go on in my head bbut the band has really put paid to 90% of them, you just don't have a chioce when it comes to pigging out after wiegh in anymore because you have a week to get rid of it :eek:That is my biggest gift from the band easy calmness off the head and no constant obession with food anymore.:drool::biggrin: Cheers Chooky
Chooky

Chooky

3
 

100

Went for fill yesterday and had the weigh in and it was a flat 100kg!!!! Not 99.9 noooo 100, the nurse said take your pants off , go on, But I didn't because thats just going back to all those mind games that I promised myself I wouln't resort to with the lapband:mellow:I know it says 99 in the mornings so...... It was still dissappointing though. We are going to turn the Christmas lights on tonight and have a bbq, but the next couple of weeks while school finishs up is just pack ed with play's, carol nites, nativity nite (please supply beard) presentaion nite ( please supply pirate custume???) dance concerts and birthdays, plus i have to remember the dog needs her christmas shave and hopefully fit mine in too.:thumbup: So back on liquids for a couple of days now so that should definatley put it under 100 all the time. Off to shop for guinea pigs and drop b1 and b2 at school. Have a great day Cheers Chooky:thumbup:
Chooky

Chooky

3
 

Still GGRRRR

:cool2::cursing:Y Y Y Y am I still so GGRRRRR???????? HELP. The caffine has not fixed it, (I Know it makes it worse). Just biting everybodies heads off and needing to lay down on the floor and go to sleep, like that is gunna happen with 2 kids. Suggestions welcome........ You know what would help A BBBBIIIIGGGGGG juicy steak and mushroom sauce and fries and sour cream and grease and chocolate and all the yummy yummy yummy stuff.:laugh: Right I am off to yell at someone or something.... Cheers Chooky
Chooky

Chooky

2
 

Gggrrrr

GRRRRR I am so argh today, must be pms....:cool2::cursing::laugh: HAPPY TURKEY DAY to all the americans out there. Christmas is comming and all the choccies are in the study saying eat me.......:angry:Going to take them to mums so I cant eat them before Christmas agian this year. I am just a moody bitch today and grr at anyone who looks sideways at me, this is so not me, give it a coulpe of hours and it will be tears, this is worse today because i will not succumb to the choccies to make things better, although i am sure husband will soon ram them down my throat to shut me up.... God what an awful whingee blog Sorry but today is just the pits. The next few weeks are really busy so this mood will go but ...... I know afew cans of d.coke and a bag of lindt balls would help but i am not doing that anymore and i've been for a walk so the world will have to put up with a p**sed off chooky for today, I will stay inside to limit the damage and not answer the phone. Still 99kg but even that does not lift me today. Sorry Chooky:cursing::ohmy::ohmy:
Chooky

Chooky

3
 

Broke it

:biggrin::biggrin::thumbup:99.6kgs today.. Broke that barrier with 5 weeks to spare. Normally I would celebrate by pigging out, but not anymore!!!!!!!:drool: That's 33kg gone.... woo hoo. Not far to go.... I keep jumping up and down. Cheers Chooky
Chooky

Chooky

2
 

Happiness is natural

IS IT??????? Well the past few day's have made me slowly come to belive that it is.:huh2::smile2::tt1::smile2: Pre band I was a very different person to who I am now or perhaps to who I am becomming. NO not becomming, revealing to the world I guess. I was always stressed out, tired grumpy for the littlest things and always thinking of food or guilty over some food or worrying about something I was to fat for or to go to or even just do with the kids. In short I was plain miserable, and only just realised it. Now that I don't have the choice to pig out, the decision having been made by a band, my head has time for all this other stuff. I'm enjoying time with the kids and gardening and am comfortable in my own company. A much calmer person lives here now and it's because I don't have all this hate for myself and love of food that I can't control. My life no longer revolves around food and I understand the saying, "Eat to live not live to eat" as I am not cosummed by the need to constantly look for the next fix or solve the next issue that arise's with it. At the moment my day's are HAPPY:smile2: and I am not so naive as to think thats that then, I know there are rough ones lurking ahead:crying: but I am finding new ways to get through them which doesn't include the help of Cadburys or KFC. Happiness is natural and I am finding it all around in the most unexpected place's, one of which is not the fridge. Cheers Chooky:smile2:
Chooky

Chooky

2
 

Stuck

Ok...... I am stuck on a plateau both on the scales and in my head.:unsure:So far I have lost just over 20kg nad old clothes are fitting and people have noticed that I've lost wieght. I have been going to curves and walking but last week I just started to get a bit over it all:tt2: Does anyone think that plateau's are a way of maintaining along the way? I think that I am having this week off from curves and do some other stuff that doesn't make me want to poke my eyes out:biggrin:Focus on some other stuff and see what happens because this lapband was beginning to overtake everything else and the numbers were the most important thing. So this next week I have decided to live a little and see what happens. Cheers Chooky :thumbup::confused::thumbup:
Chooky

Chooky

3
 

The great devide

My world has become very obviously split into two neat compartments these past few days. Those who support me and those who don't:mad: The thing is I knew this was happening, but it is still a little baffling to find that you were only friends with some people because of your foodiness:confused: It's upsetting really because I actually thought the friendship was more than that but............... On a high note had the fill yesterday and the wiegh in , lost 5kg:thumbup: so am definatly on track for a tummy tuck for my birthday in April. Even better will be normal size for Christmas Day:biggrin::blushing::biggrin: Have a dress hanging in the cupboard and I will be wearing it and feeling great, except for the huge flap of skin sitting on my lap, just gunna chop it off. Tempted by a boob job too, but will probably settle for industrial strength bra's. Although Now I am beginning to think about it.... Imagine, nipples that were in the middle not under my arm pits, gee it's really beginning to be a possibility in my brain now!!! Cheers Chooky
Chooky

Chooky

2
 

Fill week

:laugh:Why is the week leading up to the fill the hardest????? Of course I know why, but it's a hard few days to get through. Really I find myself smelling bakeries and bbq's that last week never bothered me and I can feel myself picking at things that last week I wouldn't of touched. So I really struggle with the last couple of day's. Any idea's guy's to help combat this???? Cheers Chooky:thumbup:
Chooky

Chooky

3
 

Gym

:thumbup:I went to the gym after all that whinging about it, only really put in half the effort i ususally would but I s'pose its better than no effort at all today. I was putting off getting out of the car and actually going in the door at the gym by cleaning out my bag and purse, I found a drivers license with a photo from a few years ago on it and all I can say is I was really shocked by the id photo. Was I really that fat? :smile2: why didn't somebody tell me?????:thumbup: I mean I knew I was that fat but.......I must of been really close to 300lbs and so miserable looking, probably 299.9lbs. :cursing: It was looking at a picture of someone else, yet really puzzled because you know them. How or why I did that to myself I will never understand so now I will look forward and not back. So what if yesterday was a bad day, this morning I didn't give up like I would of done before at around the 3 month mark on a diet so I will focus on that positive and get through today, it may not be a fully yahoo pumped up daybut it sure as s**#t not the day that license id photo was taken. Cheers Chooky
Chooky

Chooky

2
 

up & down

Today is bad bad day. Everything is up and down, the mood the scales the food.......:thumbup:I guess this is one of those days i used to have pre banding, you know the days, it all just gets to you. I have eaten a heap of crap today too. YYYYYYYY did I do this??????? Help>>>>>>> I am just not in the mood for anything.. Exercise can take a big jump for itself today, It is slipper day here. This will pass I know .. but for now it really sucks:crying: No Cheers today Chooky:frown:
Chooky

Chooky

3
 

To gym or not to gym

:thumbup::confused:I am over it today, I just can't face the gym again....Aday off won't hurt a little voice is saying but my butt is sasying ," well we know were that got us before don't we?":mad2: I am counting down to this holiday, I so want to just do nothing for a few days. Hence all the exercise because the holiday requires tons of suncream and bathers. The big difference this time is I am losing weight for ever this time not just for the trip and till I hit the buffet at breakfast, so why I put all this pressure on myself is crazy but I'm still doing it.:cursing: Maybe I should wear a sign around my neck when I get there saying "I used to be much fatter guy's give me a break." UGH Do I go or not:confused::thumbup::confused: CHeers Chooky
Chooky

Chooky

1
 

Big fat cheater

HA HA People are starting to notice that I have lost weight, which has been nice and I am finally after all these years acceptting the compliments.:thumbup:Un til today at the gym one of the other members commented that I was looking like I had lost wieght, when one of the instructors butted in and siad " eh but she doesn't have work at it like you though cos shes been banded so its just the cheats way":cursing: This woman then went "oh how dissappointing for you"!!!!!!! WHAT THE??????:eek: Finally accepted this is not the easy way only to have ones nose rubbed in it. I really wanted to either scream "Oh F***** off" or just leave, instead i was very grown up and finished my work out put in a formal compliant about member confidentiallity and left thinking well my ass may be bigger than yours but my mouth certianly isn't!!!!!:wink: Would the general public judge people with other addictions like this? or would they have a bit more empathy and think good on you? Cheers Chooky
Chooky

Chooky

5
 

Shake it baby!!

Back on the protien shakes again... as that fill sure is working hard this time and not letting much down at all, was so happy the yogurt went down:thumbup: But.... I think I'm going to start hanging around the butchers and maybe licking the windows because I really need to eat a giant juicy steak.:frown: My friend said to me at least you can't be a piggy anymore, all I could think was what kind of piggy???? Roast? Sweet & Sour? Sizzling????? AAGHHHHH:cursing: I swear if I see anyone wearing leather I will start to drool and shake. This hasn't happened before, my boy say's I must be turning into a vampire or something,, v.supportive that one let me tell you. Why is it when you decide to give it your all at the gym those skinny girls who bounce around yelling at everyone to "Push it Guys" or "The work is worth it people" and never cast a glance in your direction decide to be your best friend when your just about having a corony and your only thoughts are "the only thing you are gunna push is her head into her butt." But oh no she's going to chat away as if you met for drinks. This one stood in front of the treadmill so no matter how far i ran I couldn't get my hands around her neck:biggrin: Gosh should I have vanilla or choccy shake for dinner? they should make a Rare Sirloin with mushroom sauce and fries shake. That would be walking out the doors. Expresso tonight I think. m mmm Cheers Chooky
Chooky

Chooky

1
 

Exhuasted

:cursing:EXHAUSTED..... No I haven't been slogging it out at the gym or running a marathon, it's pathetic really.... I was doing the afternoon kids sports run around. Finally they are ironed and put away for the night, so I'm hiding from the washing and the dish's hoping the faries will magically do it for me:biggrin: It's alright I'm not that delusional yet. Big question and I would love some feedback on htis one:thumbup: Party at a Chinese saturday night!!! What will I eat???? It will be the ususal chopsticks at dawn over the plum duck and don't get in the way over the prawn toasts or you could lose an eye out there:crying: But what about me? No way am I going to food bullied into trying this stuff, cos I can just imagine how that will end:drool: so I am thinking soup of somesort... But how to make it last as long as everybody else??? any idea's??? HELP Cheeers Chooky
Chooky

Chooky

2
 

Itchy Feet

Well its fudge cake day today, so far I am surviving it, but there are only so many cups of coffee I can drink, especially since everyone else is saying "Well a little bit won't hurt". But everyone here know's just how much alittle bit can and will hurt:frown: The other thing is I normally go to the gym in the mornings and hadn't really noticed how I get into a routine and now that I am not there it is really bugging me. Took me longer to get ready today as well because I couldn't just chuck on the gym gear actually had to make a bit of an effort. Maybe I should take some of the cake to the gym and hang it in front of me like they do in the cartoons.:cursing: I feel now after nine weeks I;m really beginning to get a grip on the food I can and can't eat and if in doubt vow to try it out in the privacy of my own home not in the middle of a packed out restuarant, as this can lead to a hasty exit to the ladies room.:cursing: I'm wondering about alcohol these day's and do you end up drunk quicker? Because generally if I drink I eat lots and it's a good night out because it used to happen so rarely. But now because now there is no food too soak it up I think I will end up on my ear a lot quicker than ususal, so this is something I am going to have to watch out for . Cheers Chooky
Chooky

Chooky

2
 

Sunny Days

:cursing:Thank goodness the sun has come out..... I think the constant rain must contribute to the low day's, but today warm and sunny.... so is the mood:smile: Back to curves today and finally got around to getting the smart card thingy, but after my workout the computer said I had only burned 350 calories which has really made me look at everything going in my gob today. So I've cleaned the windows but.... Now I'm just confused. I really thought it would burn more than that for some reason, especially since I am a sweaty wobbly mess by the time I have finished the circuit. Grandma's birthday tomorrow and the kids want to make her a fudge cake!!! *#!^* :cursing: Will I end up swimming around in the mixing bowl singing "memories?" or should I just let Foghorn help the kid's?? He will definatley fight the kids for the mixers (this is a grown man who will sulk if he doesn't get a beater or the bowl). I hope his tongue gets jammed in them.:cursing: So because it has been a warm day I thought I would look at last year's board shorts collection that is laying in the wardrobe. This stuff fit me last summer:eek: Now I cant get some of it past my knee's!! What have I done to myself again is all I can think and why, at least now with the band that cycle is over with because I couldn't do it again, it's just to exhausting. Fat' Thin & Fat again. So it's 10 weeks ish to the great family holiday in the sun and I'm praying for the board shorts to fit and to be able to move in the dam things.:cursing: Cheers Chooky:biggrin:
Chooky

Chooky

2
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