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Happiness the elusive....

Life in general...I have become quiet disenchanted with my current life and self. I did everything I could do to change me, to make everyone else love me and feel lost. Most days I am clueless as to who I really am, and some I am so confident that I know who I am, it truly scares me. But today I ponder how someone who has everything she wished for feels so sad about it all. There is something to be said about the grass ia always greener on the other side. What did I sacrifice to become who I am? I feel more lost now sometimes than I did before. And in the quietness that has become my life I feel wretched. Are we doomed to feel there is always something missing? Are we by nature never to have everything we want and nothing we really need? What do I want to make me happy? I thought becoming the new me was all I needed to make me happy, but alas it wasn't true. I am even more lonely now than I ever was. I feel abandonned by many and intimidating to others. The thing about fat girls, most of them have lots of friends, and I miss my friends. I am so blatently sick of discussion with co workers revolving around "How much have you lost" "Are you still loosing" "You look so good NOW". I just want to be noticed for who I am now, not who I was then or compared to it. IS that the source of my ambiguity? All I have ever wanted is to be happy. Keep the castle and white horses for some other princess, I just want happiness.
Boo Boo Kitty

Boo Boo Kitty

3
 

Label me, label free!

What is in a label? What is a label? There are many kinds of labels. What we give ourselves often becomes our self fulfilling prophecies. Hurt, alone, scared, angry, single, married, we are what we define ourselves to be.   And then there are the labels that are not self subscribed, and often those are the ones we hold so close to our heart, even if it hurts. A bitch, fat, lazy, stupid, 'oh she's --single still'. They are often hurtful and mean, but yet we still let them become a definition of who we are.   And then even yet we have the littlest labels, the ones we wear everyday that can seem so simple--but mean so much. This morning I put on an extra small, a label that never in my life I thought I would wear--ever in a million years. That label meant more to me than anything has ever meant to me. Just 2 short years ago that label said 4x. Often that label didn't even stay on my clothes, it would be ripped off faster than you could say "fattie". That 4x label even though never seen by anyone else spoke volumes. I was judged, labeled by the first glance most made at me. I was dubbed "lazy" or that I didn't care about myself. So I let those labels become who I was, I accepted a label not meant for me.   I was not lazy, nor fat. In my mind I knew I wasn't that girl. But I accepted the label and the role that went with it. Today when I wore my xsmall, I accepted the fact that the fat girl was gone. She will always have a label on my heart, but never in my mind. I have cleared away the fat girl mentality and begun a new. My new label? Anything I want, ever I want it to be, and nothing unacceptable! So for now, label me, label free!
Boo Boo Kitty

Boo Boo Kitty

3
 

Battle of the Buldge, versus battle of the brain...

Well I have successfully taken off 162 pounds now, and I thought that was the hard part. That unfortunately has been far from true.I am more terrified now of my weight than I ever have been. Food and exercise controls my thoughts, my sleeping moments (which have become rare) and my waking moments.   Why is the battle of the brain in weight loss harder than the battle of the buldge? No matter what anyone says to me, I see the old me. The lady with the "good personality" that everyone liked and no one respected. I was fat and disgusting....I am coming to the point where I feel no different now. Why has my head not changed with my body?   It seems the battle with weight, no matter where you are at is never an easy one. Loosing weight challenges your body, but sometimes leaves your mind in the aftermath. I am not connected to who I am, I stay connected to who I once was, and it is a very lonely place to be. I wish I could see me, but I don’t. I don’t know who I see anymore.
Boo Boo Kitty

Boo Boo Kitty

4
 

CHAMPVA

Well I did what they told me could not be done. I got insurance approval in less than a week. How did I do it? I called several times and talked to several people until I found the right one that was willing to help me. He just happened to be a man that I could sweet talk. I turned on the charm heavy and he told me what to send him. He got the approval letter sent to Hurley in less than a week! Wooo hooo....! :eek:   Tommorow I get a surgery date! Yeah!
Boo Boo Kitty

Boo Boo Kitty

3
 

We're through! Get outta here!

25 pounds BYE BYE. Please never find your way back to me, I don't miss you!   Goodbye twinkies Goodbye fast food that spreads out my a$$ Goodbye junk food Goodbye GO AWAY AND DON'T COME BACK!
Boo Boo Kitty

Boo Boo Kitty

2
 

Woo HOOO!!

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Boo Boo Kitty

Boo Boo Kitty

1
 

10 lbs gone already!

Just a few days on the 2 week pre surgery diet and I have lost 10 lbs. That rocks. I must say that is the ONLY bright spot in the diet. I hate the protien shakes. I can't stand the fruit drink. BUT the weight loss makes it all worth wild.   GO ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! :faint:
Boo Boo Kitty

Boo Boo Kitty

2
 

We've got a date!!!!!!!! YEAH baby!

WOOOO HOOOO!!!!!!!!! Tenatively my surgery date is August 1st!!! Woo hooo.... although I missed the call from the receptionist. So hopefully we will still have enough time once I get to talk to her on Monday. I have to do a 2 week diet, I am really hoping that is enough time! Keep your fingers crossed for me! Woo hoo! :clap2:      
Boo Boo Kitty

Boo Boo Kitty

1
 

Dissapointment in others....

Ugh...I was told yesterday, absolutely, positively the nurse would be calling me back to give me a date on my surgery. By 4 pm I was nervous, so I called them.   The nurse for the 3rd day in a row "forgot" to put my file in front of the dr. to get final ok. Now I have to wait for her to remember to do it tommorw and get a call next week. I know good things come to those who wait, but I do not do well with incompetence. She giggled and didn't even apologize, like it is funny.....grrrrrr.....   :eek: :help:
Boo Boo Kitty

Boo Boo Kitty

1
 

Excited and ready!

I am very excited. I have been tossing around the decision for awhile for by pass. My primary doctor is not behind me at all. I let her get into my head, but I have finally had enough.   My family is behind me, my husband is very excited, even know he will be buying me a new wardrobe.     I am doing the band because I am young. I like that is can be adjusted and you aren't just "stuck" with it, like and R-en Y.   I met my lap band doctor Wednesday. Everything is all in line, I just need the pre autorization letter from my insurance. The office staff told me it would take 6 weeks to get it form Champva, so I decided to do it myself. I was told I would have it in hand by Monday. That means I can scheduale surgery in July!!! WOOOO HOOOOO! :clap2:
Boo Boo Kitty

Boo Boo Kitty

1
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