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Motivation has Left the Building

So apparently you can throw up 5-7 times a day for five months and not have your band slip. Still not recommended by any means, but my upper GI scan shows everything is where it's supposed to be. It also showed that I have zero restriction and that stuff is just flying through the band. No kidding. Maybe this is why I'm so damn hungry all the time?   With the nausea, the hunger, the puking and my doctor's apparent lack of interest in why I'm having so much trouble, I have to say I've lost all motivation to make this work. Every time I get remotely close to restriction, I start puking my guts out. I'm not too tight, we've got pictures to prove it. My doctor is baffled as to why six days out of seven food sits in my stomach like a lead ball until I puke it up, and on the seventh day I could eat the entire grocery store. There is no pain, just nausea. The food is not stuck. On an empty stomach I can put back a litre of water in less than five minutes... none of this 'small sips to feel it trickle through' required. Still haven't lost a single pound since the pre-op diet, which also made me sick.   Just once in my life I wish something would go my way when it comes to my health. Band problems are the proverbial last straw to years of constant pain, exhaustion and illness. It's not so much that I want to give up on the band as I want to give up. I'm tired; there's no more fight in me. All I have are memories of the things I've had to give up as I got sicker: soccer, bicycles, violin, piano, walking, school, jobs... 24 years of drugs, doctors and hospitals and I'm done.   I'm genuinely happy for those who are band success stories. Keep on going! :rolleyes2: Just because I'm too broken to be fixed doesn't mean that nobody around me can be happy. Maybe I'll make a last ditch effort to see if I can make some other surgery work for me. Given my track record of medical problems though, I don't think another surgeon is going to want to go anywhere near me. Time will tell.
onikenbai

onikenbai

8
 

My Stomach HURTS!

I have passed the signpost of frustrated, turned the corner of miffed and have officially moved into the neighbourhood of royally ticked. It's more than 7 months now and I haven't lost one freakin' pound, other than during my pre-op diet. I've been through umpteen fills and unfills to the point where I don't even know what's in my band anymore, and I feel like complete and total crap.   Something is. not. right. I have been throwing up multiple times a day for five months now, and my clinic doesn't seem to care. I've been asking them to please check my band placement or something because my stomach hurts, even when I haven't been puking. Yeah, I realise constant puking is going to make your stomach hurt a bit, but it's not that 'I've been heaving' gnawing feeling, it's more of a 'wow, something inside is really tugging and it is right unpleasant' feeling. Doesn't matter if I've eaten or not.   They've come to the conclusion that my band is not too tight, and I agree. I can down a 700ml bottle of water in under 10 minutes, so that's an indication that things are going through just fine. Eating though, is a completely different matter. It seems the better quality food I eat, the worse it gets. The irony... I'm not getting stuck because I've been stuck and I know well what it feels like, and I'm definitely not eating too fast. I can even manage to keep the food down for as long as 90 minutes after I eat sometimes, but I get queasier and queasier the longer it sits and it invariably has to come up. Chicken, fish and all other meats have a 100% chance of coming up, soup about a 50% chance, and anything else that is remotely solid is completely a crap shoot. It's not like I'm trying to force down a steak for god's sake... all I want is a strawberry! At this point I'd even love to go back to my special "allergic to the protein shakes" pre-op diet, but I can't keep enough of those foods down. You'd think with the way things are going I'd be losing weight like crazy, but no. At least I'm not gaining any; if there's an upside, that would be it.   I could deal if I felt I had the support of the clinic, but they seem to be willfully blind. I keep asking for help, but they keep saying that they only do tests if it appears there's a problem. Helloooo! Puking every day for months?!? Problem! Sharp pain in the stomach? Problem! Unable to keep even soup down on most days? Problem! Do I have to drop dead in their office for them to be convinced something isn't working right?   Yeah, I'll admit that right now my food choices aren't very good. I'd love to be eating lean chicken and cooked veg, but they won't stay down. What am I stuck with? Pudding, carbs that melt in your mouth and the never ending supply of crystal light. Don't forget the frozen yogurt... lots of that happening. Protein shakes? Still allergic to them. The clinic is now telling me to drink the shakes despite the fact I'm allergic to them. They seem ok with the idea of me writhing on the floor in pain because I can't digest the protein shakes, as long as they can prove they offered me sound medical advice on how to make the band work. Too bad Canada works on the lump sum system because at this point I would love to take my business elsewhere, but I can't. :smile2:   I'm quickly coming to a point where I just don't care anymore. I'm broken and I was delusional to think I could be fixed.
onikenbai

onikenbai

5
 

I Am Officially Frustrated

Ok, I'm a fairly patient person and I know the band is not a quick solution, but geez, couldn't the powers that be give me a break just once in my life and let me lose a few ounces? I haven't lost a single pound since my surgery. Granted, I haven't gained any more than the 8 of water I gained back after surgery, but I'm doing my best here and have yet to see much in the way of results. I'm eating my protein, eating less overall, staying away from fried foods, breads and pastas, and I'm trying to stay away from the other bad foods I know I shouldn't eat. I've eaten so much chicken and fish that I should really open up my own farm, and should also be buying stock in Campbell's soup. If I ate any slower breakfast would run into lunch and dinner, and I'm still always hungry. Two fairly aggressive fills down and there's still no change.   Maybe it's the time of year that has me frustrated most. Winter is here and that always means more pain for me. I'm in pain every single day of my life, but winter brings it out in force, and I don't know how many more years it's going to be that I'm going to be able to make it cane-free. Some days I cry at the thought of getting out of bed in the morning just because I'm tired of the pain. Maybe I'm just bitter because at 34 years old I can't remember a time when I didn't have to worry about collapsing on the floor because the pain was too bad to stand up, and even if I finally manage to lose weight, collapsing on the floor from pain is never going to stop being a problem.   I was really looking forward to the chiropractor visits that are a part of my banding package, but I can't say that I'm thrilled so far. I've just spent $18K on a non-refundable, non-optional comprehensive services package and the first thing the chiropractor tried to do was to get me to attend his other clinic for acupuncture treatments. In his opinion, acupuncture is the only treatment that's ever been effective for my illness and, what a co-incidence, it's not covered as part of the comprehensive package and it would be additional. Couldn't he have waited at least a few appointments in to up-sell me? Does he think I'm not noticing this? :biggrin: There's no way I can get hooked on a treatment I can't afford... that would be cruel. After 23 years with a painful illness, to get treatment that worked and have it taken away because I couldn't afford it would be much worse than never knowing if it worked in the first place.   On the up side, my mother is no longer having screaming hissy fits at me about my lack of weight loss. It has moved into the realm of pointed glares. At least that gives me the option of looking away and ignoring it. :biggrin:
onikenbai

onikenbai

2
 

Bandster Hell

I'm in bandster hell, and not in the usual way. Yeah, I've not lost an ounce since my surgery and, in fact, I've gained 8lbs but I'm not particularly concerned. Losing 31lbs in 31 days pre-op was not good for my body and I could use a little plateau time to regroup and get rehydrated. My bandster hell is my mother. I've tried to explain the whole thing to her multiple times, but the fact is that she's angry and she's not holding her temper back (does she ever?:mad2:) In her world, the fact I've had a band for almost a month and not lost any more weight is cause for great ire. I told her it had a slow start, but once it picks up momentum it will be all good but NOOOOO! She wants it NOW! Good lord, who is the child here? Maybe because she has her own food issues my not dropping weight like a rock is sending her into a tizzy, or maybe it's just one of those irrational mother things, but apparently I am to blame for her stress. Hey, I'm not the one who hides food in closets around the house and under beds. I have never consumed an entire pound of butter in one sitting. I am not going to take the blame on this one, work out your issues on your own mom.
onikenbai

onikenbai

4
 

I Look Like a Shocking Raccoon!

Banding was today! Right now I'm one big bruise, probably just like everyone else was on their first day. I do seem to have one rather strange thing though... I don't know if it was the heprin or what, but the area around my eyes is red, really red. Not inflammation red, but broken blood vessels red. If you think of a raccoon with its dark eyes, and then add photoshop, that's what I look like. The post-op nurse says I was rubbing my eyes before I was fully awake, but man, I must be the world's most consistent eye rubber to get identical rings around my eyes like that. In a sick way I kind of look right out of the pages of a fashion magazine a la heroin chic age.   Overall the day wasn't that bad although my mother is still crying over the fact I took the bus to the clinic all by myself at stupid-o'clock this morning and declined having somebody drive me. What's the point of having somebody drive all the way across the city, pick me up, and drop me ten minutes from my house when the bus goes right by home and right by the clinic? It's not as if my mother was going to help with the surgery or anything. :wink2: But it's over and my mother can now hold me hostage and obsess over me with her 10 LITRES of liquids she's bought me to consume over the next two days. How the hell am I going to do that? I'm still working on the same 500mL drink I started almost 10 hours ago. Well, if some great disaster happens, at least we have snacks.
onikenbai

onikenbai

3
 

The Pre-op Diet Winds Down

Day 21 of my pre-op diet and, despite the rocky start, I haven't fallen down dead yet so all seems good: this would be the official opinion of my GP. As this is Canada and the land of free health care, I'm doubling up on doctors right now and taking the opportunity to be shamelessly used by my GP as test subject. I'm her first patient to get banded so I did a command performance in her office this week again so she could see how I was making out with the pre-op diet. I was there for the pre-pre-op diet, the during, and I have a feeling I'll be getting a call in a few weeks... Inquiring minds want to know I guess. A spot check showed that I was waaaaayyyy down in the land of the ketones, so mission accomplished. If I don't have the flattest liver the surgeon's ever seen, then she can't really blame me because I have held up my end of the bargain. Most days I've been getting only about 700 calories in me and I never ever want to see another piece of salmon as long as I live. At this point, even the protein shakes I'm so very allergic to seem like a tempting welcome change.   I've lost a ridiculous 22lbs in three weeks, which borders on stupid, and my body is seriously not pleased about it. I know a lot of that isn't real weight and is just water and excess stored energy reserves, but I nearly lost my pants this week at work and that is a good thing I guess? My mother is driving me batty with the "How much have you lost?" question every. single. time. she sees me and I'm thinking of making up random numbers just to get her to go away. I may have to retaliate with "when did you last pee?" to see if she gets the hint since blatantly telling her it was driving me nuts didn't seem to sink in.   So 30-something more hours to go. The clinic actually called me on Friday to remind me of the surgery. Seriously, does anybody ever forget and miss it? After starving yourself for three weeks, pull an oops... slipped my mind?
onikenbai

onikenbai

1
 

The Bumpy Little World of the Pre-op Diet

So here it is... pre-op diet day 7 and it has not gone well thus far. Turns out that I am missing an enzyme in my stomach which digests protein. My mother has known this since I was a week old but strangely, didn't think to share it with me any of the hundred times I was explaining the high protein pre-op diet. I have always steered away from the high protein foods thinking it a food preference, but the truth is I've not been paying attention to the fact those foods have made me hideously ill, and now I know why. So all the planning and effort of hunting out a non-soy, non-dairy, no sweetener shake was apparently a waste of time and money. On the up side, at least I have a friend who needs the non-everything shakes and tolerates them better than I. My cat also seemed quite interested in them so maybe I'll let him have a go.   So now I'm learning 100001 ways to grill an eggplant as I'm confined to veggies and the tiniest bit of meat for the whole three weeks. Well, at less than 1000 calories a day, I am losing weight... my attention span rivals a gnat and I'm probably right unpleasant to work with when I'm out in the field burning calories sloshing through mud, but my whole office has been warned to stay far, far away from me lest they risk dismemberment with a traffic cone, and they haven't run screaming yet so I'm probably good for another few days.   I do wonder what I did to piss off Karma because she made me work next door to the Nestle plant on day 2 of my diet, then further tried my patience by forcing me to leave the happy smells of chocolaty goodness and plopping me in a restaurant where I had to sit and watch everybody else around me enjoy their yummy thai for an hour before sending me back into the chocolate cloud and raining on me all afternoon. I think she owes me one.
onikenbai

onikenbai

2
 

My Head is a Tornado

That is, it's all over the place and full of air. Plus the occasional non sequitur flies out like a tossed cow, not that I advocate airbourne cows.   My surgery is in a little over a month and it seems my brain is determined to be on holiday until then. I might as well tack a giant "gone fishing" sign on my cube to go with my "This station is out of fuel" sign (a small perk of working with petrochemical companies is you can pilfer amusing signs as you're tearing down the gas station).   I clearly remember when I was 10 and thinking how awesome it would be to start middle school looking like a normal person, and then when I was 13 thinking how cool it would be to be able to show up to my grade 8 grad looking normal, and then when I was 14 to start high school normal, then 19 to start university normal... you get the drift. Aside from a blip during high school when I stopped eating completely for days on end and worked out obsessively to stay at 140 (and passed out in school and had a vaguely vampirish look with sunken eyes due to my lack of nutrients) I've never known a normal weight. So now I have the prospect of being moderately normal and I admit that I just can't stop thinking about it.   This is not good. I have work to do! Your pollution is leaking into the aquifer and tainting the water supply for thousands of people? Whatever... hey, I could shop at ALL the stores in the mall for the first time in 20 years, not just the ONE store that has clothes to fit me. I have been able to keep my mind somewhat on my work, like how I'll be able to get a moon suit that actually fits me so I can work on the juicy contaminated sites, or that I'll maybe be able to get a fall arrest system that isn't a complete feat of mechanical engineering and won't need at least two people to belay... but still it's all about ME. I feel like a freakin' toddler! ME ME ME! Thoughts are all over the place and everywhere but still ME takes up far too much of my thought time. Please tell me this goes away naturally. I don't want to have to hire somebody to come smack me upside the head every 20 minutes, although I'm sure there are co-workers who'll do it for free.
onikenbai

onikenbai

2
 

All Hail the Thin Pig

I am in favour of chocolate. I think it is a good thing, and I think it could just possibly have justifiable grounds for being its own food group. I don't eat a whole lot of it since it does not return my love, but every once in a while chocolate just has to be a part of your life.   And it is for this reason I'm posting this public service announcement about the nopudge products. I happened across them in my local grocery store during one of those moods when your brain says you really want to be good, but your stomach doesn't agree. The comprimise was the purchase of these non-fat brownies that actually taste like something I'd want to eat more than once! The mint ones are divine. Plus, if you are mixerless like me and rely on the strength of your wooden spoon, you're going to get one hell up an upper body workout making these bad boys. Don't skimp on the pan spray either, I learned that one the hard way. If you're out of PAM, parchment paper is your new best friend.   Please cheat responsibly. I take no responsibility for you eating the whole pan at one go... the box even gives you the recipe for making a single serving rather than the whole pan so apparently they don't want to take responsibility for you eating the whole pan either.   Welcome to No Pudge Fudge - Fat Free Brownie Mix
onikenbai

onikenbai

2
 

The World Goes Digital. I Do Not.

I don't own a scale. I've never owned a scale. Until now, I've been fine with this because, honestly, I really didn't want to know what it said. I got weighed four or five times a year at the doctor and that seemed enough for me. But now I need a scale and I'm discovering how hard it is to buy one that doesn't need batteries. All I want is something I can jump on and watch the dial go round and then bounce back and forth until it comes to a stop at my weight. Old school, I know. The problem is that all the scales in the stores are digital! I don't want my scale to speak to me and I don't want to worry about having to replace batteries. When did "no additional parts must be added periodically to make this work" go out of fashion?   I love modernity. Computers rock and are a lot more user friendly than an abacus. Some things just don't need to be moderized because often, the old school version outlives the modern.   So if you know where I can get a good non-digital scale in the Toronto area give me a shout. Otherwise it's off to do some internet shopping. Very modern.   Yay! I found one! Why they were selling them at the grocery store of all places, I'll never know, but I care not.
onikenbai

onikenbai

2
 

The World Goes Digital. I Do Not.

I don't own a scale. I've never owned a scale. Until now, I've been fine with this because, honestly, I really didn't want to know what it said. I got weighed four or five times a year at the doctor and that seemed enough for me. But now I need a scale and I'm discovering how hard it is to buy one that doesn't need batteries. All I want is something I can jump on and watch the dial go round and then bounce back and forth until it comes to a stop at my weight. Old school, I know. The problem is that all the scales in the stores are digital! I don't want my scale to speak to me and I don't want to worry about having to replace batteries. When did "no additional parts must be added periodically to make this work" go out of fashion?   I love modernity. Computers rock and are a lot more user friendly than an abacus. Some things just don't need to be moderized because often, the old school version outlives the modern.   So if you know where I can get a good non-digital scale in the Toronto area give me a shout. Otherwise it's off to do some internet shopping. Very modern.
onikenbai

onikenbai

1
 

I'm a Misfit Amongst Misfits

I have been reading other people's blogs and am happy for every single one of you who have posted pictures of you rafting, hiking or cycling yourselves to a new you. I'm also incredibly jealous because that will never be me. The spirit is more than willing, but the body just isn't able. For sure I'm going to be able to do more things than I have been able in years but my success will be more moderate: I will be able to walk to the store two days in a row. I will be able to walk two days in a row. :thumbdown:   What I find frustrating is the people at the clinic don't seem to get it. I appear to be a misfit among the misfits of society. I keep being assured that my life will change so much, which I don't doubt, but I wonder if they have any clue of what my life is like? Will the band magically let me hold a pencil long enough to write a letter? Will I be able to play my violin or harp again?   The psych lady I met yesterday was all impressed how I seemed to know my body much better than the average person and that learning the rules of the band would be a breeze for me. The truth is that for years, one small lapse in thought and I've popped something in my mouth that will lead to hours of gut wrenching pain or my eyes swelling shut. Push myself too hard and I'm bedridden for days. She seemed really nice and wanting to help while we chatted for our 35 minute hour, but she specialises in anorexia, bulemia and overeating... I wonder if she knows much about people who've grown old before their time. Then again, it was the first session... I'm hoping that a few more sessions will get us all on the same page.   I'm really looking forward to working with the chiropractor they have on staff. Ontario's major failing in health care is that if it can't find something specifically wrong, it won't fix it or expend the energy to see what can be done for you. When one of the foremost rhumatologists in Toronto tells you "wow, your life must suck, but there's nothing I can do about it" you tend to lose heart. I've not been able to afford private physiotherapy, massage therapy or the chiropractic care I probably could use, so I've gone without. I didn't want to risk getting addicted to a therapy I couldn't do long term. How dumb is that? So apparently for the next year or so I'm being offered unlimited access to this guy. After me, they may want to revise that policy.   Usually I'm not so much of a whiner... I promise I'll be more upbeat next time. In the meantime, keep posting the canoeing pictures. Even though I can't do it myself, that doesn't mean I don't like seeing others have fun.
onikenbai

onikenbai

1
 

Why am I doing this?

Aah, the inaugural blog. Feel the freshness.   Unlike many, I have no sad stories of being persecuted as a child about my weight, or memorable instances of being treated completely unfairly based on how I look or what I weigh. Of course, I may simply have chosen to ignore the snide remarks from the world as I have been a pudge from the very beginning of life and have always pretty much held to the idea that if you don't like me, well then... that's you... I'll be over here doing my thing. I'm sure there have been nasty comments and unfair treatment, but the only one outright comment about my weight I remember came from my students in Japan who noted that I was round like an apple, and wasn't that just the cutest little thing with the red cheeks to match? Round and cute, I can deal with that.   So why put myself through this? I have one of the better incentives out there: if I don't lose weight, I may go blind. How's that for pressure? Pressure really is the problem... the pressure in my brain and spinal column is going up and it's pushing on my eyes, threatening to detatch my retinas, not to mention causing mind crushing headaches. Fun times! To boot, I have fibromyalgia, and all you fibromites out there know that all the painkillers in the world don't do the job. The scientific community can't figure out why people with fibromyalgia are characteristically insensitive to painkillers, but that's the way it goes. In the competition of taking down a horse or me with drugs, the horse will be in la la land long before I.   So here's hoping this all pans out and I get to keep my sight.
onikenbai

onikenbai

3
 

Pain Better, Restriction GONE!

Finally, after five months of throwing up daily, I have finally annoyed my doctor into action and he sent me for an upper GI, which I had yesterday. Thank you very much for sending me right downtown on the first day of the G20... I've always wanted to see every single piece of riot equipment the city owns. What do you call 20 cops on bicycles? A gaggle, flock, murder, cute as all hell? What?   He also took out 0.5cc of fluid from my band. I have mixed feelings about this. On the one hand, my puking 7-8 times a day as soon as I put any morsel of food into my stomach stopped, so yay! I cannot tell you how good it felt to eat something so simple as an apple slice, which I haven't been able to do ever with the band. It was like a foodgasm. I have been fruitless, with the exception of raspberries, for almost a year, and the same goes for raw veggies. Oh carrots how I've missed you. For months now, if it hasn't been stewed into a wretched pulp, I couldn't eat it. I think we can all grasp the irony of not being able to eat either fruits or vegetables with the band.   On the downside, we had already agreed before I got my unfill that being overfilled wasn't the root problem. What didn't make me puke on the first bite, I could eat 2 cups of easily. I have endured more soup than the average person should ever in my life. Seriously, I'm taking out shares in Campbell's. Some days I could even go so far as to eat a couple of huge skewers of chicken souvlaki or a half a tub of yogurt at one sitting (again, Yoplait, I'm taking out shares). On the days I could eat, it was smooth sailing for just about any food. Unfortunately, that was only about one day in six, which is crappy odds.   Now something is driving me to just keep eating. Today I ate nearly half a watermelon! In one sitting and I'm still not full! Granted, I still have 7-something cc in my 14cc band, but the restriction is gone, gone, gone. The doctor that did my upper GI said that things looked ok on the first pass but that he'd have to look into it more closely later, which is good because I was expecting a "Holy crap! Your band is down around your ankles!" after months and months of daily retching. So I'd like some of my restriction back please before I decimate the country's watermelon population.   I guess now the search is on for what is my problem if my band doesn't appear to have slipped. Whenever I get enough fill to have any sort of restriction, I immediately fall back into the daily puking problem. We've tried the trick of inching up the restriction by 0.1cc increments already in the hopes that maybe I just got one over zealous fill, but no, that does not seem to be the problem. I'm not getting that typical 'stuck' feeling of incredible pain radiating across the chest. I've had that before when I really was stuck. Nope, I eat my bite of food, chew it to a mushy pulp, and then it goes down and sits like a big ball of lead. No pain, just a growing nausea and pit in the stomach feeling that makes me want to know where is the closest loo. I keep hearing from other people that they have to go make themselves throw up in the bathroom. Not me. The mere sight of a sink usually does it like Pavlov, although I will admit to giving my sternum one or two good thumps occasionally like burping a baby to help things along.   So what is the problem? Gallbladder maybe? That would explain the weird stomach pains I've been getting in completely the wrong place to be band related. Over sensitive vagus nerve? Who knows? All I know is that this band thing doesn't seem to be working out for me as planned. The only tool it appears to be acting as is to make me a better bulimic. That makes my mother happy as she is an eating disorder on wheels, but I'm not too thrilled about it.
onikenbai

onikenbai

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