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Blog 65988

A blog by bashful1269

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Eating with strangers

Tonight was the first of four nights of eating out with a group of people that I don't know very well. I'm helping set up a new store in Columbia and that requires hiring almost 500 people of the course of the next three days. Can you say STRESS!! There are a bunch of people from our corporate office along with the entire upper level of management from the new store and a couple of HR's from around the area, doing the interviewing. We will be working eleven hour days ending with dinner out every night at some really nice restaurants...of course corporates picking up the tab:thumbup: The problem is no one knows about my surgery and I really don't want to tell them, not that I'm ashamed of it or anything, just that it's my personal business and would prefer to keep it that way. I'm afraid that I'm not going to take the proper amount of time to eat and will end up eating too fast because I let myself get too hungry. I've had a couple of stuck episodes since my last fill, and I really don't want have it happen in front of a bunch of people that I don't know well. Oh well, I guess it's something that I'm going to have to get used to eventually anyway. Wish me luck

September 22, 2009

3

Phyc appointment

Well, as you may have been able to tell, I've been having some issues trying to get through a few rough times emotionally. I made an appointment with the psychologist that I had to see before the band surgery. She's great, I love her attitude and even though, she really didn't have a lot to say I feel better. She made a few suggestions that I think will be helpful. I need to be more aware of my eating and emotions. She suggested that I keep a log or a journal about my feelings and acknowledge what emotion I was actually feeling and be ok with feeling it, not try to cover it up. I still exercise a lot, I did a two hour workout Tuesday night that left me feeling amazing! I love the way it feels to really push through a hard intense workout. Not much else going on, hope all is well in band land.

November 4, 2009

3

The lapband and tears

One year ago today my best friend April called me from the hospital and told me that she needed me...Alex (her four yearold son) was not going to make it...I called work and rushed to the University of Missouri, he was alive when I got there...I saw the change at about this time 10 am..The life in his eyes was gone, his body was being kept alive by the machines ...but he was gone...They tried everything in their power to save this little guy, but it was too late. It wasn't until 8:45 pm that his little body finally gave out. We were waiting for his grandma to get there, but he couldn't hold on.. As I sit here today remembering my little buddy and that day I feel the lapband getting tighter and tighter with every tear I cry, I can't stop crying, I can't stop remembering his eyes...That lifeless look as he lay there hooked to all of those machines. The helplessness I felt for my friend this was not her first lost child, this was her second in less than five years...Serinity was 20 days old and Alex was 4 years and 4 months old...WHY??? WHY does GOD do this??? I found a poem that I shared at Alex's funeral, it makes since it's just still hard to understand WHY>>>> For all of you who are mothers out there...Hold Your Children Close! God's Lent Child I'll lend you for a little while a child of mine, God said, For you to love him while he lives, and mourn for when he's dead. It may be four or five years, or forty-two or three; But will you, till I call him back, take good care of him for me? He'll bring his charms to gladden you, and should his stay be brief, You'll have the lovely memories as a solace for your grief. I cannot promise he will stay, since all from earth return; But there are lessons taught below I want this child to learn. I've searched the whole world over, for teachers kind and true; And from the throngs that crowd life's lane I have chosen you... Now will you give him all your love? Nor think the labor pain? Nor hate me should the angels call, to take this child back again? To which the parents did reply... Dear Lord, Thy will be done. For all the joys thy child will bring, the risk of grief we'll run. We'll shelter him with tenderness, We'll love him while we may... for all the love this child will bring, forever grateful we will stay. But should the Angels call for him, much sooner than we've planned, We'll brave the bitter grief that comes, and try to understand. We had a grave side memorial today, April read a poem that she had written last night and I thought my heart was going to fall from my chest.

September 10, 2009

10

Adjustment again

Well, I found myself not losing any weight over the last three weeks, so I went to see Tina and got another fill yesterday. I'm feeling a little too tight, but not sure that I am. I think I just need to take my time and chew better. I'm actually full after only a few bites, but I have had the feeling of being stuck and pb'ing too. I guess I'll wait and see if it loosens up a bit by next week. If not I guess I'll go in and have a little taken out. How's everyone doing out there in band land? It's been crazy for me, not much time on the net lately.

October 29, 2009

3

Finally restriction

I went for my second fill today, I felt fine drinking the little bit of water that she gave me. I stopped and bought a bottle of water on the way home and drank a little bit, by the time I made it back to work, 40 minutes later (long drive) I felt ROUGH ROUGH ROUGH!! After about three hours I started feeling better and attempted to eat some white chili, after about four spoonfuls I was full!!!! YAY!!!! FINALLY!!! That feeling of fullness lasted well over four hours and a five mile bike ride. Went for dinner at a chinese restaurant and ate one crab rangoon and the broth of my egg drop soup and was full again. AMAZING, this is what I've been waiting for! I have to admit the prospect of getting stuck more easily makes me a little nervous, I know there have been times in the past when I have not chewed well enough. This fill, I'm going to have to be careful and chew chew chew. I'm still a member of the clean your plate club, I need to break that habit. I'm hoping with this fill, it will help me control that by that last bit syndrome where I'll really feel it if I over eat. Not much else to report tonight, I'm tired and heading to bed. With a special prayer of thanksgiving for finally feeling some restriction.

September 4, 2009

3

Haven't posted for a while

Well, it's been a while since I've posted. Mainly because I have been so frustrated and down about my band...For three months my scale did not move, despite repeated adjustments and hours of exercise everyday. I'm happy to report thanks to my last adjustment a week ago, I have finally had a change in the number on the scale. I kicked the darned thing out of my bathroom and refused to look at it for a week. Low and behold this morning the number shocked me so much I had to take a picture! WHOOP WHOOP!!! :tt1::thumbup: I am now 18 pounds from a goal that I had twenty one years ago. My sister had promised me that if I got down to under 200 pounds that she would buy me a new outfit. Fortunately, she's still willing to do that...can you say "SHOPPING TRIP"!!!!!!!:closedeyes::drool::thumbdown: Loving the shopping! It's so nice being able to go into a store, pick out the size and know that it's going to fit or that it's going to be a little big..Yup, I said it "BIG" hehe!! Anyway, to all of those who may read this and feeling discouraged by your band, don't give up, just keep going back and getting fills and talking to your fill nurse, it helps. Good luck to all! I'd love to hear from you!

March 5, 2010

6

He's just not that into you

So, as you know I went to the phyc the other day and she told me to keep a stress log in addition, she suggested a really good book that is actually now a movie called "He's just not that into you". Two chapters in; it's been one of the most informative books that I think I've ever read...There are some really great male insights to think about while reading. I must admit it has triggered my..."ah ha!" I've been hanging out with A holes all along! I've decided that there are some people in my life that I just need to walk away from. I hate losing people that I have shared time with, but for my own mental health and my own physical health I think it best. So, PEACE OUT to those men that want to date me without dating me, the relationship without the relationship kind of guys can now...K M A... I strongly suggest that if you're a single girl trying to date that you get this book! I started tanning at the gym, I'm the whitest white girl you've ever seen, well I used to be that is...Now I'm the reddest lobster girl you've ever seen. How can a person burn so bad after just seven minutes in a tanning bed? I had been doing the stand up bed for seven and hadn't had a problem. Yesterday I was feeling lazy and did the lay down bed and FRIED!! I just want a tan, I don't want to be a chicken fried Stacy! How does this happen?:smile2: I am so going to try to get to a size ten before January 23rd, that's the day of our work holiday party and I want to look HOT! I'm a 14 now, if I'm going to make a ten I'm going to have to hit the gym even harder than I have been. I can do it though, I have faith in myself. It's all in the numbers calories in have to be less than the calories out. That's it for me...Have a fun weekend in band land.:huh2:

November 8, 2009

1

Ourselves and rejection...intimacy???

do you believe this statement? the paradox that we want to be known and loved for who we are; but refuse to reveal ourselves because we are afraid of rejection; creates a tremendous loneliness in our lives. I was reading a book tonight and I read this sentence and it really spoke to me. So often I hide my imperfections because of the fear of rejection. Have you ever really thought about why you were or are overweight? Is it because we fear intimacy? Do we fear letting someone get close to us? That they could reject us if they really knew the true us? So here it goes I am opening up to you my friends on this journey with me. I'm hoping that my fear of rejection will not be confirmed and that I will be able to trust and gain a level of intimacy that eventually I will feel comfortable expressing in person. This week has been a really BAD week for me in the food category. I've over eaten, eaten things that I know I shouldn't and eaten again when I wasn't hungry all because someone really hurt my feelings and made me angry and I didn't understand it and I'm too mad to address it with him right now. Very destructive behaviors and I am working to address that within myself, thus the reason I was reading the book. I have to admit that I don't let people get to know the true me because I have been hurt in the past, I've given myself freely and just been walked on or disregarded as if I didn't matter, like I was nothing. I've decided that I should write a letter to the people that have done this to me. Not for them to read, but for me to destroy and let go of the feelings attached to the hurt and damage they have caused my heart. I'm a bit frustrated as you might be able to tell from this blog. It's ok though, it's my blog and that's what it's here for right? Just getting the inner turmoil out in the open and hopefully letting some lighter and more helpful feelings in. I'm turning 39 this weekend and I'm feeling frustrated about that too. I'm not in a meaningful relationship and I feel it's my fault for not being able to open up to a certain level of intimacy. I tried calling the phyc today, but she did not answer. Not sure if that would help, but at this point I am willing to try anything. Ok, I'm going to sign this off and go to bed so that I don't revert back to those oh so hurtful habits. Thanks to all of you who read this blog.

October 17, 2009

1

Bad mood

I'm in this funk of a bad mood today. I'm just cranky and I've made terrible food choices all day and have paid for it all day by being stuck most of the day. My tummy hurts because I'm stupid!!! I know better than to try and eat pasta and bread but that of course is the comfort food that I crave when I'm in this mood. I need something to get me out of this funk...These days don't happen often but man when they do...YUCK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

October 1, 2009

5

Happy Thanksgiving

Happy Thanksgiving everybody! Eat healthy and stop when you're comfortable~! I have to practice that bit of advice myself.

November 26, 2009

1

Lunch with Dave, I'm so FRUSTRATED!!!

I went out for the first time since having surgery. My friend Dave and I went to Hunans, I was good and ate a bowl of egg drop soup minus all the stuff they put in it. I just ate the broth. As we're sitting there having lunch Dave asks..."So, are you full yet?" So of course I have to explain to him that right now I could eat anything that I wanted but because I'm healing I follow what the Dr. tells me to. So he goes on to ask Why, if I could follow what the Doctor has been telling me to do under my own will power to do( and doing quite well since I've lost now 25 pounds total), did I feel the need for the lapband surgery. I explained to him that I saw this as a way to finally keep the weight off. I've been successful at getting weight off before just not keeping it off. A little later he says "So, I failed you." I said no, you didn't fail me it was a choice that I made. He kept pushing that he had failed me by not supporting me and blah blah blah. Now, I'm a little frustrated and feeling down about myself...Questioning myself...Dave's right I should be able to do this, why can't I, why haven't I, I know how to do it I just don't...GRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR I have been ok with this decision and researched it and know in my heart that I made the right decision, why am I letting someones opinion have this much of a hold on my thinking? Why does it matter so much???? As I sit here in tears....Why do I care what he thinks anyway??? I'm just feeling like a failure. I hate this feeling. :biggrin::thumbup:

August 1, 2009

11

Eating frustration

I have no idea why I am so hungry...I don't think that I am physically hungry, I think it's in my head. I've made terrible food choices and have eaten way more than I am supposed to. I'm not really sure why? I'm frustrated beyond belief...GRRRRRRRRRR:cursing:

November 22, 2009

4

Quelf

If you haven't played it...you need to play! I bought this game on a recommendation from a friend of mine...It is HILARIOUS! I laughed so much I cried! You have to be willing to act like an idiot, having a video camera on hand is helpful, to recapture what you miss while laughing historically.

October 18, 2009

1

Back to work

Well, vacation is over...POUT POUT!! I think it's actually going to be a good thing. I eat way too much when I'm home. I want to snack all day and that's BAD! I try to choose healthy snacks but found myself eating CHOCOLATE today, that's BAD BAD BAD!!! I am a sugar addict so, I know not to eat it. I did manage to lose five pounds this last two weeks!!!!! So, I'm not going to beat myself up over it. I did take my diabetes medicine just so my sugar didn't spike. I haven't had to take it since I had my surgery. I am really feeling the restriction in the mornings, I tried to eat cherry yogurt this morning and got stuck on a little piece of the cherry. It loosens up after about three hours and a glass of water, I'm wondering if it has something to do with being a little dehydrated from the overnight, without water. Friday night, Dave (my friend) and I took my roomies ten year old to the races with us. It was a BLAST he was in awe! It was fun watching his reactions to the wrecks. He was having so much fun, and Dave was having as much fun watching him as the races. Too fun!!! Yesterday was a quite day, I didn't do anything but SLEEP!!! I was good and went and worked out for about an hour and a half. I LOVE Wilson's gym they are great people and it's not the type of gym that you feel intimidated walking into. I'm going to take a cardio dance class on Tuesday night, that should be fun. I found my flirty girl workout video's so I'm going to start working out to them and to the biggest loser workout videos too. I have found that I really enjoy exercise. It's my time! I love the way it makes me feel and I try to do a wide variety of things so I don't get bored with it. Today I cleaned house, did laundry and I cooked dinner tonight for Larry, for those of you who haven't read my previous blogs, he's my ex- relationship without a relationship guy...Man it was HARD seeing him...He's the first person that I can honestly say that I have been truly in love with. I ended it a few months ago because I knew it wasn't going anywhere and I was going to end up getting hurt. My roomie invited him out for dinner, not sure if it was her idea or his. I of course cooked his favorite meal and we had a great time. It was a little tense... and I was right...I ended up getting hurt. I still after four months have very strong feelings for him. He was very complimentary of my weight loss, he hugged me and was like "WOW, you're getting skinny"....Pardon me for a moment....Jumping up...giving myself a high five! ...YAY ME!!!!!! :thumbup: Ok back now, sorry about that.... It made me feel so good! That's about it for today. I think I'm going to work on a menu plan for next week. I need to start keeping better track of what I'm putting in my little tummy so I can start losing MORE!!!

September 14, 2009

2

Pictures

I just posted some pictures...WOW, I never realized until now the difference! I'm excited! Update on HG, I finally told him that we should go out. He's gone out with me and my friend Dalena a couple of times and it was fun. Not sure anything is going to progress. I'm just going to kick back and let what happens happen. I'm going to invite him to Jeff Dunham on Sunday. I will be spending the next three weeks in Columbia training all the new people we hired last week. It should be fun. I was so excited; our Area VP requested me personally. Pretty cool! Not much else today...

October 3, 2009

4

Holy BUCKETS it's WORKING!!!!

I had my third fill today and had to go to the nut as well. I stepped on the scale and about fell off of it. I am losing at the rate of 2.6 pounds a week! I've lost a total of 33.5 pounds since starting this journey. Currently I'm at 231 and hoped to get to 215 by my birthday, October 18th, I told Tina (fill nurse) that today and she told me that she would prefer that I did not lose it that fast...POUT POUT. So, I'm shooting for 220 I think that's doable. She told me that I had to remember that I didn't get heavy overnight and it's not going to come off overnight either. She reminded me that it is better to lose slowly and steady so that my body has time to adjust to the changes it's going through. I think this is good advice for everyone on this journey. She did give me a half cc so I am now at 4.5cc's in my 9cc band. I'm hoping that it takes away that hungry all the time feeling, we'll see. Hope everyone in band land is doing well.

September 17, 2009

3

My band is being tested

I'm having a really rough week this week. It's been crazy at work and then I found out that a friend (or someone I thought was my friend) betrayed me to a point that I doubt that I will ever speak to him again. I am so angry, so hurt, so freaking pissed off that I don't even know what to do with myself besides cry and wonder why? What was the point? Why? :biggrin: I of course am an emotional eater and turned to the cookies the other night. I ate four and got sick...thank you band! Yesterday, I threw the cookies away something I would have never done prior to the band so YAY me:thumbup: I over ate big time and felt like crap. Today, I haven't over eaten, I haven't eaten cookies I took a bath and tried to read a book. I don't know when I have ever had someone make me feel so completely used and hurt and frustrated. GRRRR GRRRR GRRRRR AND GRRR SOME MORE! I'm so angry! I know I need to calm down if it wasn't raining I'd go for a run. I think I need make an appointment with the shrink...did I just type run????:thumbup::cursing::thumbup::cursing::thumbup::cursing:

October 9, 2009

2

Scale Happy Dance!

:thumbup::thumbup::mad::thumbup::thumbup::thumbup: THE SCALE MOVED!! My scale has been stuck for the last four weeks, mainly because I've been eating out a lot with work functions. This last fill has finally given me what it takes to break the plateau, I've lost three pounds since Thursday. HAPPY DANCE HAPPY DANCE HAPPY DANCE!

October 4, 2009

4

I did it!!!

I finally reached my first goal!!!!!! I am now at the lowest weight that I have been since my freshman year of high school. I am still quite a ways from the goal my doctor has set for me(67 pounds to go:blink:) but, it's still an AMAZING feeling:thumbup:! I'm so excited! Hope everyone else in band land is doing well, keep in touch!

November 19, 2009

6

Just did it

I worked late today and I really just did not feel like working out. I skipped yesterday because I had a late orientation and was TOAST when I finished, so I knew I couldn't skip tonight. So off I went to the gym. I just did it...didn't want to do it, but I did it. I feel better for having done it, not necessarily the exercise but the fact that I didn't talk myself out of it. :tongue_smilie:

September 17, 2009

4

Restriction

I had my fourth band adjustment yesterday and I now know what restriction feels like. I'm SO EXCITED and a little nervous. It took me almost 30 minutes to eat about 2 oz of a grilled hamburger and 3 tablespoons of refried beans today for lunch and I was FULL!! I'm excited about that, portion size has always been my down fall and now I finally feel like I have that under control. I'm nervous because as I was eating, I could really tell it if I didn't chew well enough and had to wait several minutes before taking the next bite. I'm really nervous about eating around other people now, everyone eats so darned fast...what's up with that???? Do people actually taste what they are eating? As a bandster that is one thing that I have learned...taste your food.

October 2, 2009

3

Grrr, Stupid people piss me off!!

I was talking to a friend of mine tonight and he says "You're going to the gym pretty much every day?" I said yes, he says "So, the dedication was there before the surgery...so you really could have done this without the surgery?"....GRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR If I could have maintained the results I've had the last one million attempts...do ya think I would have had the surgery??? Hello!!!! GRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR GRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR I'm frustrated as heck!! I just didn't even say anything to him, I just kept quite! Grrrrrrr, I hate stupid people~! Sorry just made me M A D!!!!!!!!!

August 30, 2009

3

Road trip time

Last week was a little stressful and I needed to get away, so I jumped in the Jeep and took off. I ended up in Springfield at the Octoberfest. PS...Beer and the band don't work so well together. OOPS! It was nice to just get away and the drive was beautiful down Hwy 5. I love the fall colors. I decided that I'm not going to weigh everyday like I have been doing...yes, I am a scale whore. I have a really busy week this week and fitting in time to work out is going to be challenging. I'm trying to formulate a game plan I already missed this weekend, unless you count the dancing and the...:confused: We ate at a chinese buffet today, it wasn't so bad having the band. I took a little of my favorite things, ate one bite of each and then called it quits when I was full. Thankfully, it was only 5.99 so I didn't feel like I had wasted a lot of money. That's about it for me, now it's time to go find something for dinner. I think it will be my favorite...Lemon parfait yogurt, YUMMY!!!!

October 11, 2009

3

Ah, today is much better

Today is a much better day. I went to my PT appointment and then went to see Tina and got another adjustment. I just felt like I needed a little more restriction to keep me from over eating. I had lunch with my sister which consisted of five bites of soup and three bites of salad and was full. She just bought a new car from my old boss and he told her the next time I was in town that she had better look him up so that he could see me. So, we stopped by the dealership that he works at and he was AMAZED at what I looked like. He hadn't seen me since I weighed about 325 pounds...There's a little difference now...I'm 230 now. He made me feel really good. It was hilarious he kept hugging me and hugging me. Other than that my day was uneventful.

October 1, 2009

3

My birthday

WOW, it's hard to believe that I am 39 years old...seems just yesterday I was wishing for 21. My friends had a party for me last night, HOLY BUCKETS! I will NOT forget this birthday for a while! I'm three months into my journey and it's funny how much I've changed my personality along with my looks. A friend of mine, whom I haven't seen since before I was divorced came last night. She called me this morning and told me that she just couldn't believe the change in me. It made me feel good. That I've made so many positive changes in my life since that time. I've been feeling a little down about not doing the right things all the time and beating myself up for every mistake I've made in the last three months, but looking back, I think I've done pretty darned good. It's not going to happen overnight. I did learn how to make a really good sugarfree, almost fat free baked new york style cheesecake. I was playing around with my recipe because I wanted one for my birthday. It turned out AMAZING if anyone would like the recipe I'd be happy to share. Warning it takes three to four hours to make it. That's it for today, I think it's time to crawl back in bed.

October 19, 2009

2

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