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Blog 65988

A blog by bashful1269

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Lunch with Dave, I'm so FRUSTRATED!!!

I went out for the first time since having surgery. My friend Dave and I went to Hunans, I was good and ate a bowl of egg drop soup minus all the stuff they put in it. I just ate the broth. As we're sitting there having lunch Dave asks..."So, are you full yet?" So of course I have to explain to him that right now I could eat anything that I wanted but because I'm healing I follow what the Dr. tells me to. So he goes on to ask Why, if I could follow what the Doctor has been telling me to do under my own will power to do( and doing quite well since I've lost now 25 pounds total), did I feel the need for the lapband surgery. I explained to him that I saw this as a way to finally keep the weight off. I've been successful at getting weight off before just not keeping it off. A little later he says "So, I failed you." I said no, you didn't fail me it was a choice that I made. He kept pushing that he had failed me by not supporting me and blah blah blah. Now, I'm a little frustrated and feeling down about myself...Questioning myself...Dave's right I should be able to do this, why can't I, why haven't I, I know how to do it I just don't...GRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR I have been ok with this decision and researched it and know in my heart that I made the right decision, why am I letting someones opinion have this much of a hold on my thinking? Why does it matter so much???? As I sit here in tears....Why do I care what he thinks anyway??? I'm just feeling like a failure. I hate this feeling. :biggrin::thumbup:

August 1, 2009

11

The lapband and tears

One year ago today my best friend April called me from the hospital and told me that she needed me...Alex (her four yearold son) was not going to make it...I called work and rushed to the University of Missouri, he was alive when I got there...I saw the change at about this time 10 am..The life in his eyes was gone, his body was being kept alive by the machines ...but he was gone...They tried everything in their power to save this little guy, but it was too late. It wasn't until 8:45 pm that his little body finally gave out. We were waiting for his grandma to get there, but he couldn't hold on.. As I sit here today remembering my little buddy and that day I feel the lapband getting tighter and tighter with every tear I cry, I can't stop crying, I can't stop remembering his eyes...That lifeless look as he lay there hooked to all of those machines. The helplessness I felt for my friend this was not her first lost child, this was her second in less than five years...Serinity was 20 days old and Alex was 4 years and 4 months old...WHY??? WHY does GOD do this??? I found a poem that I shared at Alex's funeral, it makes since it's just still hard to understand WHY>>>> For all of you who are mothers out there...Hold Your Children Close! God's Lent Child I'll lend you for a little while a child of mine, God said, For you to love him while he lives, and mourn for when he's dead. It may be four or five years, or forty-two or three; But will you, till I call him back, take good care of him for me? He'll bring his charms to gladden you, and should his stay be brief, You'll have the lovely memories as a solace for your grief. I cannot promise he will stay, since all from earth return; But there are lessons taught below I want this child to learn. I've searched the whole world over, for teachers kind and true; And from the throngs that crowd life's lane I have chosen you... Now will you give him all your love? Nor think the labor pain? Nor hate me should the angels call, to take this child back again? To which the parents did reply... Dear Lord, Thy will be done. For all the joys thy child will bring, the risk of grief we'll run. We'll shelter him with tenderness, We'll love him while we may... for all the love this child will bring, forever grateful we will stay. But should the Angels call for him, much sooner than we've planned, We'll brave the bitter grief that comes, and try to understand. We had a grave side memorial today, April read a poem that she had written last night and I thought my heart was going to fall from my chest.

September 10, 2009

10

First day back to work and an NSV!!!!

Today was my first day back after having surgery on 7/22/09. I am a wage continued employee which means that I continue to receive my full salary whether or not I'm there, so I took ten days to recoup. Since that's what my doctor told me would be a good amount of time considering the type of work that I do. I'm glad I listened I'm BEAT!! I had every intention of going to the gym today after work, but there is just no way. I'll go for my two mile walk after it cools down a bit. Work was good now time for the NSV!! Hot Greg NOTICED I had lost weight and told me that I was looking good!!! Yea!!!!! Me!!! :cursing::thumbup::cursing::thumbup::cursing::thumbup::cursing: and I was able to completely slip my size 16 work pants down over my hips without undoing the buttons or zipper...time to go SHOPPING!!! I have a feeling it's going to be my new addiction...shopping! That's all the energy I have for the moment. I'm going to take a much needed nap!

August 3, 2009

6

I did it!!!

I finally reached my first goal!!!!!! I am now at the lowest weight that I have been since my freshman year of high school. I am still quite a ways from the goal my doctor has set for me(67 pounds to go:blink:) but, it's still an AMAZING feeling:thumbup:! I'm so excited! Hope everyone else in band land is doing well, keep in touch!

November 19, 2009

6

Haven't posted for a while

Well, it's been a while since I've posted. Mainly because I have been so frustrated and down about my band...For three months my scale did not move, despite repeated adjustments and hours of exercise everyday. I'm happy to report thanks to my last adjustment a week ago, I have finally had a change in the number on the scale. I kicked the darned thing out of my bathroom and refused to look at it for a week. Low and behold this morning the number shocked me so much I had to take a picture! WHOOP WHOOP!!! :tt1::thumbup: I am now 18 pounds from a goal that I had twenty one years ago. My sister had promised me that if I got down to under 200 pounds that she would buy me a new outfit. Fortunately, she's still willing to do that...can you say "SHOPPING TRIP"!!!!!!!:closedeyes::drool::thumbdown: Loving the shopping! It's so nice being able to go into a store, pick out the size and know that it's going to fit or that it's going to be a little big..Yup, I said it "BIG" hehe!! Anyway, to all of those who may read this and feeling discouraged by your band, don't give up, just keep going back and getting fills and talking to your fill nurse, it helps. Good luck to all! I'd love to hear from you!

March 5, 2010

6

Over did it ...Note to self...DON'T DO THAT AGAIN!!

My friend Donna came over this morning and we went shopping. I ate my 4 oz of yogurt before we left around 11am and we weren't planning on being gone that long...HA! We finally made it back home around 6:30 pm and I hadn't eaten anything all day except for the yogurt. I was STARVING!! I made potato soup which I made using skim milk and low fat cheese. I ate an entire soup cup! I was so FULL that I was having a terrible pain in my shoulder and smack dab in the middle of my chest, it felt like I was having a heart attack...I pray my stitches weren't ripping from my band. PAIN PAIN PAIN, THAT WILL TEACH ME TO OVER EAT!! I didn't think it would be that bad because it was just liquid I didn't even eat the potato parts. Dumb! My hot water heater went out today too. Fortunately, my friend April's bf is a HVAC guy and he just came over and took a look at it. Looks to be a bad lower element. I'm hoping it won't set me back too much. I'm thankful that he is willing to help me out. He's a great guy. I walked even though I didn't really feel like it today. I am committed to doing what I have to do to make this band work as a tool for me. I know it's not going to be easy, but I also know that if I don't exercise I don't lose. I am planning on doing personal training with my trainer Davey in October as a birthday gift to myself. It will so be worth it, he KICKS my ass, but it's so much fun. I love working with him, he's HOT (oh yes, I do accidentally on purpose not understand how to do some exercises just so he has to show me again :biggrin:) and he's very motivating. He will be so happy that I will keep the weight off this time. Well, it's time for me to sign this off for the day. I have to work tomorrow! I'm so excited to go back to work I know it's going to be a rough day. It will just be good to get back into the routine of working and I hope to settle into normal set eating times. Night everybody, have a great week!

August 3, 2009

5

CHEW~!~...and the next NSV

I got my first fill yesterday and I can tell the difference today. It took me 40 minutes to eat about 2 oz of meat and a tablespoon of green beans. I started out eating a little too fast and FELT IT!! OUCH! So, I've learned that I MUST chew chew chew!!! The restriction has officially begun! It makes me a little nervous to eat now, I'm sure that I will get used to it. I have to say it's amazing to me to take a piece of meat that before the band would have been two bites, and turn it into a complete portion and still not be able to eat it all. CRAZY!! I'm loving it though. I worked out hard today, it felt good. An hour of cardio, then 30 minutes of weight lifting then a two mile bike ride. I feel energized! I've officially RETIRED my size 16's!!!!!!!!!!!!! I'm so excited; and to be honest my 14's aren't going to be around long, they are already a little big. Way cool. The weekend is here and should be a good time. I've got to go SHOPPING!! Need to find something to make HOT Greg notice me. So, I'm off...

August 22, 2009

5

Bad mood

I'm in this funk of a bad mood today. I'm just cranky and I've made terrible food choices all day and have paid for it all day by being stuck most of the day. My tummy hurts because I'm stupid!!! I know better than to try and eat pasta and bread but that of course is the comfort food that I crave when I'm in this mood. I need something to get me out of this funk...These days don't happen often but man when they do...YUCK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

October 1, 2009

5

Pictures

I just posted some pictures...WOW, I never realized until now the difference! I'm excited! Update on HG, I finally told him that we should go out. He's gone out with me and my friend Dalena a couple of times and it was fun. Not sure anything is going to progress. I'm just going to kick back and let what happens happen. I'm going to invite him to Jeff Dunham on Sunday. I will be spending the next three weeks in Columbia training all the new people we hired last week. It should be fun. I was so excited; our Area VP requested me personally. Pretty cool! Not much else today...

October 3, 2009

4

Scale Happy Dance!

:thumbup::thumbup::mad::thumbup::thumbup::thumbup: THE SCALE MOVED!! My scale has been stuck for the last four weeks, mainly because I've been eating out a lot with work functions. This last fill has finally given me what it takes to break the plateau, I've lost three pounds since Thursday. HAPPY DANCE HAPPY DANCE HAPPY DANCE!

October 4, 2009

4

Just did it

I worked late today and I really just did not feel like working out. I skipped yesterday because I had a late orientation and was TOAST when I finished, so I knew I couldn't skip tonight. So off I went to the gym. I just did it...didn't want to do it, but I did it. I feel better for having done it, not necessarily the exercise but the fact that I didn't talk myself out of it. :tongue_smilie:

September 17, 2009

4

Omg!! Real food here i come!!!!

I'm so excited! Tomorrow is the beginning of a new phase for me. I get to move on to soft foods. I will be making copies of the food log the nut gave me and will be writing down everything I put in my mouth. The scale hasn't budged for the last four days and I'm getting frustrated with that. I know I know, stay off the stupid thing!

August 5, 2009

4

Pre-op

Well, the pre-op diet pretty much sucks! I'm a starvin marvin... and it's only day two! Eight more days to go. I can do this! I'm still trying to figure out which band to get. It seems Dr. Pitt is correct that it doesn't really matter which one he uses. I like the way that realize band attaches to the port and I like the low profile port as well. Silvia explained that the lap band port could be changed but I'm seeing $$$'s there. So, I am leaning pretty heavy to the realize band at the moment. I really like the band design of the lap band and the band is actually the thing that's going to be doing the work....decisions decisions. I'm ready for a STEAK!!! If I close my eyes and imagine this protein shake is a steak do you think it would taste like one? Oh well...life goes on ...you can not have what you've never had unless you're willing to do what you've never done. So, I'm doin it!

July 14, 2009

4

The weekend

The weekend was great, Hot Greg came out Saturday night with us and we had a blast. He was only able to stay for a little while because he had to work at 6 am Sunday morning...It was still fun. I sat next to him and he kept bumping into me with his shoulders or pressing his leg up against mine...I get the feeling I might actually have a chance. I'm just going to sit back and let what happens happen. Sunday we had the softball bbq, I cooked for thirty people and was happy that I could eat a little bit of the stuff I cooked. It was nice not having to be on soft foods. I ate very slow and tried to concentrate on what I was eating so as not to have any stuck episodes. That would be embarrassing. We played volleyball for three solid hours...I was whipped by the time we were done. That's some exercise for sure! I'm going to start having Sunday afternoon volleyball at my house so I can have a change of pace from just going to the gym. Zumba class tomorrow, I can't wait! It's been a while since I've done it, it should be a good time. Food has been a bit of a challenge, the restriction is less than it was a week ago. I do great during the day but at night I tend to want to snack and I know I'm not supposed to. Need to work on that, maybe I'm not eating enough protein...or maybe it's just head hunger and bad habits. That's all of my thoughts for tonight...I'm BRAIN TOAST.

August 26, 2009

4

Eating frustration

I have no idea why I am so hungry...I don't think that I am physically hungry, I think it's in my head. I've made terrible food choices and have eaten way more than I am supposed to. I'm not really sure why? I'm frustrated beyond belief...GRRRRRRRRRR:cursing:

November 22, 2009

4

Restriction

I had my fourth band adjustment yesterday and I now know what restriction feels like. I'm SO EXCITED and a little nervous. It took me almost 30 minutes to eat about 2 oz of a grilled hamburger and 3 tablespoons of refried beans today for lunch and I was FULL!! I'm excited about that, portion size has always been my down fall and now I finally feel like I have that under control. I'm nervous because as I was eating, I could really tell it if I didn't chew well enough and had to wait several minutes before taking the next bite. I'm really nervous about eating around other people now, everyone eats so darned fast...what's up with that???? Do people actually taste what they are eating? As a bandster that is one thing that I have learned...taste your food.

October 2, 2009

3

Holy BUCKETS it's WORKING!!!!

I had my third fill today and had to go to the nut as well. I stepped on the scale and about fell off of it. I am losing at the rate of 2.6 pounds a week! I've lost a total of 33.5 pounds since starting this journey. Currently I'm at 231 and hoped to get to 215 by my birthday, October 18th, I told Tina (fill nurse) that today and she told me that she would prefer that I did not lose it that fast...POUT POUT. So, I'm shooting for 220 I think that's doable. She told me that I had to remember that I didn't get heavy overnight and it's not going to come off overnight either. She reminded me that it is better to lose slowly and steady so that my body has time to adjust to the changes it's going through. I think this is good advice for everyone on this journey. She did give me a half cc so I am now at 4.5cc's in my 9cc band. I'm hoping that it takes away that hungry all the time feeling, we'll see. Hope everyone in band land is doing well.

September 17, 2009

3

Finally restriction

I went for my second fill today, I felt fine drinking the little bit of water that she gave me. I stopped and bought a bottle of water on the way home and drank a little bit, by the time I made it back to work, 40 minutes later (long drive) I felt ROUGH ROUGH ROUGH!! After about three hours I started feeling better and attempted to eat some white chili, after about four spoonfuls I was full!!!! YAY!!!! FINALLY!!! That feeling of fullness lasted well over four hours and a five mile bike ride. Went for dinner at a chinese restaurant and ate one crab rangoon and the broth of my egg drop soup and was full again. AMAZING, this is what I've been waiting for! I have to admit the prospect of getting stuck more easily makes me a little nervous, I know there have been times in the past when I have not chewed well enough. This fill, I'm going to have to be careful and chew chew chew. I'm still a member of the clean your plate club, I need to break that habit. I'm hoping with this fill, it will help me control that by that last bit syndrome where I'll really feel it if I over eat. Not much else to report tonight, I'm tired and heading to bed. With a special prayer of thanksgiving for finally feeling some restriction.

September 4, 2009

3

The wedding

IT'S FINALLY DONE!! As any of you who have been reading my blogs know, I have been diligently working on flowers and decorations for a friends wedding. I'm so glad I'm done with that! It turned out awesome and she was extremely happy. NSV of the day, I wore a skirt to the wedding that my ex husband bought me about 15 years ago and I have never been able to wear it, he bought it about four sizes to small. (thanks honey) It FIT today!!!!! It was fun I had a friend tell me that it made me look really skinny!!!!! I will admit, it was a nice thing to hear~~ I'm starting to see a change, with this last fill and feeling the restriction, I'm hoping the number on the scale changes too. That's it for me, I have the flu and I'm headed to bed. Hope everyone in bandland is doing well, keep in touch!

September 6, 2009

3

Eating with strangers

Tonight was the first of four nights of eating out with a group of people that I don't know very well. I'm helping set up a new store in Columbia and that requires hiring almost 500 people of the course of the next three days. Can you say STRESS!! There are a bunch of people from our corporate office along with the entire upper level of management from the new store and a couple of HR's from around the area, doing the interviewing. We will be working eleven hour days ending with dinner out every night at some really nice restaurants...of course corporates picking up the tab:thumbup: The problem is no one knows about my surgery and I really don't want to tell them, not that I'm ashamed of it or anything, just that it's my personal business and would prefer to keep it that way. I'm afraid that I'm not going to take the proper amount of time to eat and will end up eating too fast because I let myself get too hungry. I've had a couple of stuck episodes since my last fill, and I really don't want have it happen in front of a bunch of people that I don't know well. Oh well, I guess it's something that I'm going to have to get used to eventually anyway. Wish me luck

September 22, 2009

3

Head hunger, real hunger, or habit hunger...HG update

There are times when I am not sure what kind of hunger I'm having. It seems that I am hungry most of the time. I've had two fills, after the last fill I was feeling pretty good and not hungry. Now, it seems that I am hungry all the time. I'm not sure if it's real hunger. I'm on vacation and staying at home since I don't really have the money to travel on this vacation. When I'm working I have set times to eat and don't think about food. Now that I'm home on vacation my roomy thinks I should cook for everyone and their dog...I love company and cooking, but it's tough for me because I want to taste everything I'm cooking. Then when it's time to eat I'm not really hungry and I eat anyway....BAD HABIT!! Roomie doesn't cook, she loves to brag on how good of a cook I am and that's why she's always inviting people (guys) over to eat. My question is this...how do I make myself stronger? How do I realize when it's head hunger, real hunger or habit hunger? I chew really good and it seems that everything goes down just fine...Am I just not restricted enough? Oh, update on Hot Greg...He now knows that I am interested...I was being bad text messaging back and forth earlier... I told him that I left HR Manager Stacy at work for a week. He told me I was allowed. He's SO HOT!!!! I know this is terrible to say, but it's my view point. The way that he dresses and just the way he presents himself he is a perfectionist, I am NOT, I feel it's more important to have fun and enjoy life than to keep an immaculate house. I don't think that I'm good enough for HG...Besides, he's talking about moving away. :thumbdown: Oh well, if it's meant to be it will be. That's it for me tonight.

September 9, 2009

3

Adjustment again

Well, I found myself not losing any weight over the last three weeks, so I went to see Tina and got another fill yesterday. I'm feeling a little too tight, but not sure that I am. I think I just need to take my time and chew better. I'm actually full after only a few bites, but I have had the feeling of being stuck and pb'ing too. I guess I'll wait and see if it loosens up a bit by next week. If not I guess I'll go in and have a little taken out. How's everyone doing out there in band land? It's been crazy for me, not much time on the net lately.

October 29, 2009

3

Road trip time

Last week was a little stressful and I needed to get away, so I jumped in the Jeep and took off. I ended up in Springfield at the Octoberfest. PS...Beer and the band don't work so well together. OOPS! It was nice to just get away and the drive was beautiful down Hwy 5. I love the fall colors. I decided that I'm not going to weigh everyday like I have been doing...yes, I am a scale whore. I have a really busy week this week and fitting in time to work out is going to be challenging. I'm trying to formulate a game plan I already missed this weekend, unless you count the dancing and the...:confused: We ate at a chinese buffet today, it wasn't so bad having the band. I took a little of my favorite things, ate one bite of each and then called it quits when I was full. Thankfully, it was only 5.99 so I didn't feel like I had wasted a lot of money. That's about it for me, now it's time to go find something for dinner. I think it will be my favorite...Lemon parfait yogurt, YUMMY!!!!

October 11, 2009

3

Grrr, Stupid people piss me off!!

I was talking to a friend of mine tonight and he says "You're going to the gym pretty much every day?" I said yes, he says "So, the dedication was there before the surgery...so you really could have done this without the surgery?"....GRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR If I could have maintained the results I've had the last one million attempts...do ya think I would have had the surgery??? Hello!!!! GRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR GRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR I'm frustrated as heck!! I just didn't even say anything to him, I just kept quite! Grrrrrrr, I hate stupid people~! Sorry just made me M A D!!!!!!!!!

August 30, 2009

3

Phyc appointment

Well, as you may have been able to tell, I've been having some issues trying to get through a few rough times emotionally. I made an appointment with the psychologist that I had to see before the band surgery. She's great, I love her attitude and even though, she really didn't have a lot to say I feel better. She made a few suggestions that I think will be helpful. I need to be more aware of my eating and emotions. She suggested that I keep a log or a journal about my feelings and acknowledge what emotion I was actually feeling and be ok with feeling it, not try to cover it up. I still exercise a lot, I did a two hour workout Tuesday night that left me feeling amazing! I love the way it feels to really push through a hard intense workout. Not much else going on, hope all is well in band land.

November 4, 2009

3

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