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Blog 65988

A blog by bashful1269

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What a week!

It's been a week since I've posted on my blog, I feel bad for that, I've found it's a great source of stress relief from me and really should do it everyday. My friend John who retired (at the age of 42) last year from being an air traffic controller came in for a visit on Monday. It was an unexpected visit and I had to work which was a bummer. I did take off Tuesday with him and we went to the gym together. That was fun. He's addicted to my rockband game! We had a blast just jammin. My friend Dalena moved in last Friday with her ten year old son. It's been a lot better than I thought it would be. Mikey her son is going to have some serious food issues if she doesn't change his eating habits I can already see that. He doesn't want to eat what is on the table and then goes to the cabinet that is now loaded (ugh ugh ugh) with JUNK food and gets whatever he wants. Dalena has never once read a food label doesn't know the difference between fat, carbs and protein and no clue what a serving size is. I'm working on teaching her. I think that I will take her to the nut with me on Thursday when I go for my first fill. I am SOOOOOOO ready for my first fill. It's so hard sticking to just what I am supposed to be eating. I've been cooking a lot more since Dalena has been here which is rough for me. I'm going to back off on that. It's better not to have the temptation of tasting while I cook. I'm getting burnt out on cottage cheese and yogurt. I do great during the day when I am at work and want to eat the house at night. Dang scale must be broken it's not moving:cursing: I am exercising at least an hour of cardio every day and have noticed a difference in the size of my clothing. I was SHOCKED:w00t: last night when I bought a pair of inspiration workout pants from old navy in a size medium and they FIT!!!:thumbup::thumbup::cursing: Doing the happy dance! Today my cardio will be spent in the garden, my Weed, oh I mean flower beds have been overtaken and i must find them. With that I'm going to sign off and get to work. Hope everyone one is doing well with their band, I hope mine starts working soon, it's been a slacker!

August 16, 2009

3

Tuesday 7/28/09

I woke up feeling ready to exercise, I got up and went for a walk down the hill and down to the end of the road maybe 1/4 mile total, TOTALLY kicked my butt! I will do it again tonight. It may not be far, but at least it's moving my tail. I'm ready to hit the gym and do some weight training so I don't lose the muscles that I have built over the years. I'm so excited! I talked to my friend Jimmy from St. Louis last night on the messenger and he told me that he had the lap band done in April and has lost, get this...90 pounds!! That's amazing to me. I'm pumped, I don't think I will lose that much that fast but it gave me hope. So far I've lost 12 pounds this week just by following what the nut told me to eat. I've been hungry, I mentioned that to Jimmy and he told me to make sure that I was using the protein shakes. I'll be honest I haven't really been doing many of those. I think when I get to the stage where I can eat I will start making some smoothies with the protein whey and have them for breakfast. I go to see Dr. K today, he hasn't seen me since I started looking into this. Mom told him last week when she was in there that I had had it done and he was amazed at how quickly it all went through. I am too...it's so amazing from the time that I finally sent my paperwork into Silvia to the time of my surgery was less than six weeks!!! Crazy! Absolutely, Crazy! I'm so glad that I did this. I know it's just a tool, but I've been good at working out and even eating fairly nutritiously most of the time, I just eat too much and I hope that's where the band will come in and stop me from doing that. Well there you have it...all the random thoughts going through my head...

July 28, 2009

2

The weekend

The weekend was great, Hot Greg came out Saturday night with us and we had a blast. He was only able to stay for a little while because he had to work at 6 am Sunday morning...It was still fun. I sat next to him and he kept bumping into me with his shoulders or pressing his leg up against mine...I get the feeling I might actually have a chance. I'm just going to sit back and let what happens happen. Sunday we had the softball bbq, I cooked for thirty people and was happy that I could eat a little bit of the stuff I cooked. It was nice not having to be on soft foods. I ate very slow and tried to concentrate on what I was eating so as not to have any stuck episodes. That would be embarrassing. We played volleyball for three solid hours...I was whipped by the time we were done. That's some exercise for sure! I'm going to start having Sunday afternoon volleyball at my house so I can have a change of pace from just going to the gym. Zumba class tomorrow, I can't wait! It's been a while since I've done it, it should be a good time. Food has been a bit of a challenge, the restriction is less than it was a week ago. I do great during the day but at night I tend to want to snack and I know I'm not supposed to. Need to work on that, maybe I'm not eating enough protein...or maybe it's just head hunger and bad habits. That's all of my thoughts for tonight...I'm BRAIN TOAST.

August 26, 2009

4

The wedding

IT'S FINALLY DONE!! As any of you who have been reading my blogs know, I have been diligently working on flowers and decorations for a friends wedding. I'm so glad I'm done with that! It turned out awesome and she was extremely happy. NSV of the day, I wore a skirt to the wedding that my ex husband bought me about 15 years ago and I have never been able to wear it, he bought it about four sizes to small. (thanks honey) It FIT today!!!!! It was fun I had a friend tell me that it made me look really skinny!!!!! I will admit, it was a nice thing to hear~~ I'm starting to see a change, with this last fill and feeling the restriction, I'm hoping the number on the scale changes too. That's it for me, I have the flu and I'm headed to bed. Hope everyone in bandland is doing well, keep in touch!

September 6, 2009

3

The lapband and tears

One year ago today my best friend April called me from the hospital and told me that she needed me...Alex (her four yearold son) was not going to make it...I called work and rushed to the University of Missouri, he was alive when I got there...I saw the change at about this time 10 am..The life in his eyes was gone, his body was being kept alive by the machines ...but he was gone...They tried everything in their power to save this little guy, but it was too late. It wasn't until 8:45 pm that his little body finally gave out. We were waiting for his grandma to get there, but he couldn't hold on.. As I sit here today remembering my little buddy and that day I feel the lapband getting tighter and tighter with every tear I cry, I can't stop crying, I can't stop remembering his eyes...That lifeless look as he lay there hooked to all of those machines. The helplessness I felt for my friend this was not her first lost child, this was her second in less than five years...Serinity was 20 days old and Alex was 4 years and 4 months old...WHY??? WHY does GOD do this??? I found a poem that I shared at Alex's funeral, it makes since it's just still hard to understand WHY>>>> For all of you who are mothers out there...Hold Your Children Close! God's Lent Child I'll lend you for a little while a child of mine, God said, For you to love him while he lives, and mourn for when he's dead. It may be four or five years, or forty-two or three; But will you, till I call him back, take good care of him for me? He'll bring his charms to gladden you, and should his stay be brief, You'll have the lovely memories as a solace for your grief. I cannot promise he will stay, since all from earth return; But there are lessons taught below I want this child to learn. I've searched the whole world over, for teachers kind and true; And from the throngs that crowd life's lane I have chosen you... Now will you give him all your love? Nor think the labor pain? Nor hate me should the angels call, to take this child back again? To which the parents did reply... Dear Lord, Thy will be done. For all the joys thy child will bring, the risk of grief we'll run. We'll shelter him with tenderness, We'll love him while we may... for all the love this child will bring, forever grateful we will stay. But should the Angels call for him, much sooner than we've planned, We'll brave the bitter grief that comes, and try to understand. We had a grave side memorial today, April read a poem that she had written last night and I thought my heart was going to fall from my chest.

September 10, 2009

10

The flu

Ugh, the flu is kicking my butt!!! I'm coughing a lot and I'm a little worried that it could cause my band to slip. I've read several post about people having coughing fits and their band slipping. It has only been six weeks or so since I've been banded. I'm hoping nothing bad happens. I've been able to eat the recommended amounts and stay full for three or four hours which is much better than what I was able to do. I ate steak for the first time tonight, it was wonderful! I had to cut it very thin and chew chew chew. I'm beginning to feel like a train...chew chew ...chewwwwww

September 7, 2009

2

Test

Seems my post aren't posting...this is a test...Ok that seemed to work...finally! It's been a long week! I'm ready to relax. We went to steak and shake tonight...they have the perfect little hamburgers for 89 cents! I love eating small, it's so much cheaper! Hope everyone has a great weekend.

August 29, 2009

1

Second fill

I go for my second fill tomorrow. I am hoping to start getting some restriction. Pretty much anything goes down and I can eat way more than I am supposed to eat. I know this because I have been STRESSED and eating too much, this week trying to get everything done that I need to get done before going on vacation. I have a friends wedding on Saturday and I am doing all of her decorations and flowers and photography for, it's going to be CRAZY busy! I don't think that I've lost. I haven't gotten on the scales because I'm afraid of them this week. One good thing that I've been doing is exercise. An hour a day of cardio, weight lifting twice a week, and yoga and zumba twice a week. I'm sure I've lost a few inches at least. I had a margarita last night...half a margarita more like it...I AM A CHEAP DrunK!!!! Bonus on the banding...little food...little drink= CHEAP DATE! That's it for tonight, time to rest.

September 3, 2009

2

Scale Happy Dance!

:thumbup::thumbup::mad::thumbup::thumbup::thumbup: THE SCALE MOVED!! My scale has been stuck for the last four weeks, mainly because I've been eating out a lot with work functions. This last fill has finally given me what it takes to break the plateau, I've lost three pounds since Thursday. HAPPY DANCE HAPPY DANCE HAPPY DANCE!

October 4, 2009

4

Road trip time

Last week was a little stressful and I needed to get away, so I jumped in the Jeep and took off. I ended up in Springfield at the Octoberfest. PS...Beer and the band don't work so well together. OOPS! It was nice to just get away and the drive was beautiful down Hwy 5. I love the fall colors. I decided that I'm not going to weigh everyday like I have been doing...yes, I am a scale whore. I have a really busy week this week and fitting in time to work out is going to be challenging. I'm trying to formulate a game plan I already missed this weekend, unless you count the dancing and the...:confused: We ate at a chinese buffet today, it wasn't so bad having the band. I took a little of my favorite things, ate one bite of each and then called it quits when I was full. Thankfully, it was only 5.99 so I didn't feel like I had wasted a lot of money. That's about it for me, now it's time to go find something for dinner. I think it will be my favorite...Lemon parfait yogurt, YUMMY!!!!

October 11, 2009

3

Restriction

I had my fourth band adjustment yesterday and I now know what restriction feels like. I'm SO EXCITED and a little nervous. It took me almost 30 minutes to eat about 2 oz of a grilled hamburger and 3 tablespoons of refried beans today for lunch and I was FULL!! I'm excited about that, portion size has always been my down fall and now I finally feel like I have that under control. I'm nervous because as I was eating, I could really tell it if I didn't chew well enough and had to wait several minutes before taking the next bite. I'm really nervous about eating around other people now, everyone eats so darned fast...what's up with that???? Do people actually taste what they are eating? As a bandster that is one thing that I have learned...taste your food.

October 2, 2009

3

Quelf

If you haven't played it...you need to play! I bought this game on a recommendation from a friend of mine...It is HILARIOUS! I laughed so much I cried! You have to be willing to act like an idiot, having a video camera on hand is helpful, to recapture what you miss while laughing historically.

October 18, 2009

1

Pre-op

Well, the pre-op diet pretty much sucks! I'm a starvin marvin... and it's only day two! Eight more days to go. I can do this! I'm still trying to figure out which band to get. It seems Dr. Pitt is correct that it doesn't really matter which one he uses. I like the way that realize band attaches to the port and I like the low profile port as well. Silvia explained that the lap band port could be changed but I'm seeing $$$'s there. So, I am leaning pretty heavy to the realize band at the moment. I really like the band design of the lap band and the band is actually the thing that's going to be doing the work....decisions decisions. I'm ready for a STEAK!!! If I close my eyes and imagine this protein shake is a steak do you think it would taste like one? Oh well...life goes on ...you can not have what you've never had unless you're willing to do what you've never done. So, I'm doin it!

July 14, 2009

4

Post op

Well it's been four days since surgery and I have to say that I feel great. I am having some troubles with sticking to the post op diet. I cooked for April and of course she had to pick one of my favorite dishes. I tasted as I was cooking...now I'm scared that I'll have a band slip. I've decided I won't be cooking again until after I'm past the mushie stage. Thankfully, I live alone at the moment and don't have to. Now that I'm home I am going to concentrate on setting a eating schedule that I can live with when I go back to work. I think 9 1 and 5 are good times for me to eat. I'll have to work on finding something to tied me over with if I'm going to eat later then that and am hungry but will try to stick to schedule as much as possible. Yesterday pretty much sucked ass. I went to Alaina's wedding reception and I was worn out from helping her. Katelynne patted my stomach and made me cry earlier in the day then Glenn poked me right in the port incision ...not knowing so it's not his fault but it brought me to my knees in tears and I had to leave. I felt really bad. I'm down to 243 this morning!!! That's pretty exciting I'm hoping to lose another ten by the time I go back to work next Monday..that would be AWESOME!!! I'm thinking about using medifast for a while just to help speed things along to my goal. I really like the bars and they should be just the right amount to fill me up and they have complete nutrition. Then I wouldn't need the stupid flinstone vitamins. 83 pounds to goal!!! I so want to be at goal for the Christmas party!! I have six months it's realistic right??? That's about it for the moment.

July 26, 2009

2

Pictures

I just posted some pictures...WOW, I never realized until now the difference! I'm excited! Update on HG, I finally told him that we should go out. He's gone out with me and my friend Dalena a couple of times and it was fun. Not sure anything is going to progress. I'm just going to kick back and let what happens happen. I'm going to invite him to Jeff Dunham on Sunday. I will be spending the next three weeks in Columbia training all the new people we hired last week. It should be fun. I was so excited; our Area VP requested me personally. Pretty cool! Not much else today...

October 3, 2009

4

Phyc appointment

Well, as you may have been able to tell, I've been having some issues trying to get through a few rough times emotionally. I made an appointment with the psychologist that I had to see before the band surgery. She's great, I love her attitude and even though, she really didn't have a lot to say I feel better. She made a few suggestions that I think will be helpful. I need to be more aware of my eating and emotions. She suggested that I keep a log or a journal about my feelings and acknowledge what emotion I was actually feeling and be ok with feeling it, not try to cover it up. I still exercise a lot, I did a two hour workout Tuesday night that left me feeling amazing! I love the way it feels to really push through a hard intense workout. Not much else going on, hope all is well in band land.

November 4, 2009

3

PCP Visit...Dr. K

I had to go and see my PCP doc today. Dr. Kistler, absolutely the most amazing Doctor and person I've ever met. He always greets me with a huge hug and smiles from ear to ear. I happily stepped on the scale today...officially down 23 pounds since the last time I saw him just three months ago. He was so proud. It really shocked him that I got the insurance to go through without any problems. I told him that I had sent them so much supporting paperwork they didn't have a choice. I sent them a copy of the requirements as listed in the handbook, a letter from their own health coach that was assigned to me to manage my diabetes over a year ago, a letter from Dr. K, Dr. Case (diabetes Doc), Dr. Sloan (ortho) and a letter from my physical therapist and a letter that I had written along with personal training documents that showed my tried and failed attempts at keeping the weight off. I had an approval in less than a week from the time they sent it in. I was super impressed that it went so easily. After that discussion, he inspected my battle wounds and listened to my lungs as I'm a little short of breath when sitting straight up. Not sure why. Then he asked me TONS of band questions like could I feel it when I ate and so on...then I told him that I had gotten the realize band and had to explain the difference in the bands to him. I'm wondering if he's thinking about having it done because he asked me how much it cost without insurance... I hope so it would be a great tool for him. So that was my visit...I think he should have been paying me the co pay...DANG...Oh well, I love talking to him...he's amazing!!!

July 28, 2009

1

Over did it ...Note to self...DON'T DO THAT AGAIN!!

My friend Donna came over this morning and we went shopping. I ate my 4 oz of yogurt before we left around 11am and we weren't planning on being gone that long...HA! We finally made it back home around 6:30 pm and I hadn't eaten anything all day except for the yogurt. I was STARVING!! I made potato soup which I made using skim milk and low fat cheese. I ate an entire soup cup! I was so FULL that I was having a terrible pain in my shoulder and smack dab in the middle of my chest, it felt like I was having a heart attack...I pray my stitches weren't ripping from my band. PAIN PAIN PAIN, THAT WILL TEACH ME TO OVER EAT!! I didn't think it would be that bad because it was just liquid I didn't even eat the potato parts. Dumb! My hot water heater went out today too. Fortunately, my friend April's bf is a HVAC guy and he just came over and took a look at it. Looks to be a bad lower element. I'm hoping it won't set me back too much. I'm thankful that he is willing to help me out. He's a great guy. I walked even though I didn't really feel like it today. I am committed to doing what I have to do to make this band work as a tool for me. I know it's not going to be easy, but I also know that if I don't exercise I don't lose. I am planning on doing personal training with my trainer Davey in October as a birthday gift to myself. It will so be worth it, he KICKS my ass, but it's so much fun. I love working with him, he's HOT (oh yes, I do accidentally on purpose not understand how to do some exercises just so he has to show me again :biggrin:) and he's very motivating. He will be so happy that I will keep the weight off this time. Well, it's time for me to sign this off for the day. I have to work tomorrow! I'm so excited to go back to work I know it's going to be a rough day. It will just be good to get back into the routine of working and I hope to settle into normal set eating times. Night everybody, have a great week!

August 3, 2009

5

Ourselves and rejection...intimacy???

do you believe this statement? the paradox that we want to be known and loved for who we are; but refuse to reveal ourselves because we are afraid of rejection; creates a tremendous loneliness in our lives. I was reading a book tonight and I read this sentence and it really spoke to me. So often I hide my imperfections because of the fear of rejection. Have you ever really thought about why you were or are overweight? Is it because we fear intimacy? Do we fear letting someone get close to us? That they could reject us if they really knew the true us? So here it goes I am opening up to you my friends on this journey with me. I'm hoping that my fear of rejection will not be confirmed and that I will be able to trust and gain a level of intimacy that eventually I will feel comfortable expressing in person. This week has been a really BAD week for me in the food category. I've over eaten, eaten things that I know I shouldn't and eaten again when I wasn't hungry all because someone really hurt my feelings and made me angry and I didn't understand it and I'm too mad to address it with him right now. Very destructive behaviors and I am working to address that within myself, thus the reason I was reading the book. I have to admit that I don't let people get to know the true me because I have been hurt in the past, I've given myself freely and just been walked on or disregarded as if I didn't matter, like I was nothing. I've decided that I should write a letter to the people that have done this to me. Not for them to read, but for me to destroy and let go of the feelings attached to the hurt and damage they have caused my heart. I'm a bit frustrated as you might be able to tell from this blog. It's ok though, it's my blog and that's what it's here for right? Just getting the inner turmoil out in the open and hopefully letting some lighter and more helpful feelings in. I'm turning 39 this weekend and I'm feeling frustrated about that too. I'm not in a meaningful relationship and I feel it's my fault for not being able to open up to a certain level of intimacy. I tried calling the phyc today, but she did not answer. Not sure if that would help, but at this point I am willing to try anything. Ok, I'm going to sign this off and go to bed so that I don't revert back to those oh so hurtful habits. Thanks to all of you who read this blog.

October 17, 2009

1

One week today

One week ago today... at this time 8 am I was sitting in the surgery holding area waiting. It's hard to believe that I actually now have this amazing tool inside of me. This morning I got up and decided it was time to go for a walk, not like yesterday where I walked just a little ways, today was for exercise not just to see if I could do it. I turned on the music and headed down the road. I live in the country so walking on the road is pretty safe. I saw one car the whole 40 minute walk. It felt so good to walk and sweat and really know that I'm doing this. One thought kept running through my head and that was "How can I make this work for the rest of my life?" I have to figure out the answer to that question. I really like working out first thing in the morning but hate having to get up early. I used to be at work by 3 am every morning for twelve years. I've come to enjoy sleeping until 7. I could go to the gym after work or I could simply get my lazy butt out of bed and go at 5:30am....hmmm decisions decisions. I think for next week I will go as soon as I get off of work. I know I'm going to be exhausted going back to work. Should I get up and go in the morning? It's a tough choice. Maybe, I'll try both ways and see which one works out the best. All I know for sure is I'm not going to give up and let this weight beat me again. I am committed to doing this for me by me! I'm going to be proud of every mile stone, and every stumbling stone, it's not going to be easy but I am capable I have the tool to help me! I AM GOING TO LOSE 100 POUNDS!!! Only 78 pounds to go! Well that's it for the moment. I'm tired and need a nap. HEY I'm recovering from surgery here...napping is important!

July 29, 2009

1

Omg!! Real food here i come!!!!

I'm so excited! Tomorrow is the beginning of a new phase for me. I get to move on to soft foods. I will be making copies of the food log the nut gave me and will be writing down everything I put in my mouth. The scale hasn't budged for the last four days and I'm getting frustrated with that. I know I know, stay off the stupid thing!

August 5, 2009

4

OMG I'm brain TOAST!!!

I made it through the day without having to really deal with the food issue too much, lunch was the only time I had to figure out what to do. We had sub sandwiches, I tore mine apart and only ate a piece of the cheese and a piece of the ham off of it. I didn't feel much like eating. I guess I was really tight this morning because yogurt made me feel like I was stuck...HOW CAN THAT BE?? Grrrr I interviewed for eleven solid hours with less than a minute between interviews and only a 15 minute break for lunch. My brain is mush! Between six of us we hired 130 people and still have about 200 more to hire in the next two days. Can you say FUN??? I was able to get out of dinner by just saying that I had a long drive home and wanted to get a workout in. They were ok with that excuse. Now, I'm going to go find my whirlpool bath and my book and decompress.

September 23, 2009

2

My birthday

WOW, it's hard to believe that I am 39 years old...seems just yesterday I was wishing for 21. My friends had a party for me last night, HOLY BUCKETS! I will NOT forget this birthday for a while! I'm three months into my journey and it's funny how much I've changed my personality along with my looks. A friend of mine, whom I haven't seen since before I was divorced came last night. She called me this morning and told me that she just couldn't believe the change in me. It made me feel good. That I've made so many positive changes in my life since that time. I've been feeling a little down about not doing the right things all the time and beating myself up for every mistake I've made in the last three months, but looking back, I think I've done pretty darned good. It's not going to happen overnight. I did learn how to make a really good sugarfree, almost fat free baked new york style cheesecake. I was playing around with my recipe because I wanted one for my birthday. It turned out AMAZING if anyone would like the recipe I'd be happy to share. Warning it takes three to four hours to make it. That's it for today, I think it's time to crawl back in bed.

October 19, 2009

2

My band is being tested

I'm having a really rough week this week. It's been crazy at work and then I found out that a friend (or someone I thought was my friend) betrayed me to a point that I doubt that I will ever speak to him again. I am so angry, so hurt, so freaking pissed off that I don't even know what to do with myself besides cry and wonder why? What was the point? Why? :biggrin: I of course am an emotional eater and turned to the cookies the other night. I ate four and got sick...thank you band! Yesterday, I threw the cookies away something I would have never done prior to the band so YAY me:thumbup: I over ate big time and felt like crap. Today, I haven't over eaten, I haven't eaten cookies I took a bath and tried to read a book. I don't know when I have ever had someone make me feel so completely used and hurt and frustrated. GRRRR GRRRR GRRRRR AND GRRR SOME MORE! I'm so angry! I know I need to calm down if it wasn't raining I'd go for a run. I think I need make an appointment with the shrink...did I just type run????:thumbup::cursing::thumbup::cursing::thumbup::cursing:

October 9, 2009

2

Much better today

I'm in a much better mood today. I went to bed really early last night and finally got a good nights sleep. Today has been a food struggle kindof day, I'm hungry and everything looks good. It doesn't help that I work at Hy-Vee and for those of you who don't know it's a HUGE grocery store that has the constant smell of fresh baked breads and cookies, chinese food, pizza and starbucks...Oh well, at least I love my job...it's a good time! Nice to be able to say that after sixteen years of working there. I think I like it so much because I'm spoiled! I worked out for an hour of cardio today. It felt good. 20 minutes on the treadclimber, 20 minutes on the cross glider and 20 minutes on the treadmill. Wheeeewwwww, what a workout! Feeling good!:frown:

August 7, 2009

1

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