All I ever wished for was to be beautiful. I couldn't look in the mirror without seeing something wrong with myself. My hair was wrong, my clothes didn't look right, and I just couldn't get makeup to improve my face. I was depressed, sad, and disappointed with myself. I felt alone, like no one ever understood me. I didn't get along with my family, isolated myself, barely ever went out, and sometimes even wished I would die. After endless nights of crying myself to sleep, locking myself in my room, and being afraid to look at myself in the mirror, I knew something had to change.
For many years, I didn't realize that I was actually a beautiful person who had a lot going for herself. Eventually, I started taking better care of myself, and little by little, my confidence grew. Suddenly, it didn't matter as much what people thought of me. People started noticing a difference, and I started interacting with others around me without wondering what they thought of me. What I didn't know was that in order for everyone to think highly of me, I had to think highly of myself first. I have ugly days and critique myself in the mirror; that's normal. But I have overcome the desire to be something I'm not.
My weight loss journey started on September 18th, 2005. My parents decided to help me change my life by getting the lap-band surgery done in Canyon City, Colorado by Dr. Timothy Brown. This was the best decision that I have ever made in my life, because I had struggled with my weight for so many years. I tried every diet and exercise program on the face of the planet only to lose and then regain more than I started out with. I am so happy with my progress, because I reached my goal before I had ever anticipated. I took anti-depressants to cope with life. Today I have taken on many new challenges and am enjoying life to the fullest.
I have always had a problem with leaving food on my plate. It comes from being told to finish everything no matter what, and I do have an obsession with food. I think about it constantly. When I am stressed, excited, sad, alone, or even happy, I want to eat. Its called emotional eating. While I'm eating, I feel nothing. Sometimes, feeling nothing can be bliss. I think in large terms for food. I've had eating disordered issues for years. I used to eat constantly, large meals and then secretly between meals. The thing is that I never got full. Now with the band in, I now got the chance to really know what the feeling of being full really is. Another problem is portion control. The bigger the better. The more the merrier. And I love every bite of it.
I don't care much about food until the night time. This is a habit that started when I was a child. I loved to have a little picnic all by myself, in the night. Maybe it's because I have always been a loner, maybe it's because I felt ashamed of the food thing and wanted to do it under the cover of darkness. Somehow I think it's a combination of things, the two I mentioned, plus physical tiredness, hunger from not eating all day, and I tend to replay all the events of the day in my head.
Eating disorder is a problem full of lies. It tricks you in the way you see yourself and think others see you. It feels big because it is time consuming and revolves around food and your thoughts.
It is an illness, not a sin. And God will love me always, no matter what I do. He's always there for His children, and I'm His precious daughter. He loves me more than I can imagine. And He always will. But why do I feel so useless sometimes when it comes to food? Sometimes I feel so guilty, so guilty that I want to stop eating because it takes over me.
It's hard, the question you pose about looking down on those who are overweight or fat. I realize that binge eating is a disorder as well, and that we're all in it together; whether we starve or binge, we're all fighting for control in our lives. I think usually the idea of binge eating disorder scares me, because I can so easily imagine being out of control and eating too much. But now that I'm on a meal plan and am eating a regulated amount of calories, instead of restricting, I no longer have any desire to binge, like I did when I was eating less than a tenth of what I am now.
Where has the time gone? Where did all that fat go? Where is the person in the picture who sat there so miserable and in such agony? Sometimes I miss her due to leaving a life behind that I once knew so well. But there are better days ahead. I am being noticed, and there are no regrets. No remorse for what I have done to myself.
I am grateful that there are people who understand and I am so thankful to all who support this decision I have made. If there are people in the process of considering the surgery, I think they can achieve at being their best, living a better and healthier life. Thank you for taking the time to read my story.
