So, today I had my first "meeting" with my phone coach from Tufts. I had to answer like a billion questions and listen to all of the program details and stuff. She had me make goals to try to meet in the next two weeks. Now I'm all for losing weight, I mean thats what this is really all about but I'm kind of on the edge of the weight limit anyway and I don't have any other co-morbidities. I'm not really sure if I should take the program seriously and try to do the stuff or if I should just lie to her considering she can't see me anyways. I really want to have this surgery and I think its going to be the best thing for me in the long run. I will even start doing this stuff after I hvae my initial consult but thats not until July! And every where else that I call has just as long of a wait until the initial appointment. I'm on a cancellation list and stuff but still thats a long time.
On the other hand, the program might work for me. I don't know. I need something strict but I used to be a college athlete. I know I have some serious will power under there somewhere. I mean come on... I used to wake up at 4 am to go weight lift with the football team. Why can't I find that will power and just make it all go away?!? Why does weight loss have to be so hard and slow and emotional... And maybe I don't have that will power anymore. Maybe somewhere a long the way, life took it away. Well the get up and lift weights at 4 am part... maybe its in a different form now... maybe its me working full time and going to school so I can build medical devices that will change someone elses life... I don't know...
What do I do? Follow the program and see if I'm strong enough to do it with it surgery and possibly miss the biggest opportunity I've had... or fake it and lose my last chance to do it on my own... Help!
Hello, whoever reads this! I want to tell you a little bit about myself.
I am a 21 year old college student and engineering intern. I will graduate with my bachelors degree in plastics engineering in 2010. I plan on getting my masters in medical device engineering. I hope to one day design prosthetic devices for athletes.
My freshman year of college, I played basketball. I ran and lifted and was in great shape. I wanted to be a normal college student and have a fun time in a new and exciting environment. I also wanted to be an engineer and had the typical engineering courseload. I also had a boyfriend of 3 years who made the 4 hour trip to see me at school every other week. I ran out of gas pretty quick. Then, I quit basketball.
After that it was all downhill. I have an OCD and perfectionist personality to begin with and the anxiety and depression became overwhelming. I wasn't perfect. I let people down and I didn't know how to deal with it. I moved back home to be closer to my boyfriend, who was and still is, my security blanket. He loves me and I love him but because of that I let myself slip and here I am today.
I hate my body. I want it to go back to the way it was. I hated it then but it was just me being me. No matter what diet I go on or how much I exercise I don't lose weight. Sometimes I do but then I lose the motivation. It just goes too slowly. I need a jump start. My mom works in cardiology so shes always on me about losing weight. It drives me insane. Nobody can take that day in and day out. I just want to be me again.
I went to an orientation meeting a few weeks ago. I hated being there. It makes me actually think about the fact that I'm fat. Usually, I just ignore it. My boyfriend doesn't talk about it either but I see it when he looks at me. He misses the old, athletic, sexy (in his eyes) me. I have to wait 6 months to do a program through Tufts. Dumb... I just want to start this process. I don't know if I can handle the emotions. :ohmy:
