Okay, so I stole from the teen horror flick "I Know What You Did Last Summer," but I was looking for a catchy title. It means absolutely nothing, other than the fact I had my procedure in May 2009.
So, I was driving in my radioless car (don't ask) and began day dreaming as I often do. I had this picture of me at the beach, wearing a bikini, looking fierce (can you picture it?) Then out of no where, a boat load of people were around me - all with their stomachs exposed...all with four tiny scars and one bigger scar on their abs. It was like a beach for former fatasses (I'm not even a "former" yet! How sick am I?) We were all comparing incisions, and talking about fills and restrictions.
Having said that, I think I'm spending way too much energy thinking about this. I'm just saying....
I suppose I should introduce myself before really writing something. I'm a wanna-be skinny "b" (I'll assume you all are adults here and know what I mean by "b".) I used to be skinny. Well, I was thinner....for about 5 minutes during my teens and early 20s.
You know the story: First comes love, then comes marriage, then comes baby in a baby carriage - attached to 60 pounds of body mass that has had severe seraration anxiety since 1994! Four children later my relationship with my fat has grown to become very unhealthy. I tried to beak up with fat on several occassions, but it doesn't seem to take rejection very well (very Fatal Attraction, if you know what I mean.)
To be honest, I'm not even sure how I am fat. I really don't eat like a fat person (don't we all say this?) Maybe if I just worked out a little I could lose it all (ohhhhh I've heard this before too!) Truthfully, I eat all the wrong foods! It doesn't have to be large proportions to make an impact.
Seriously though, I curse the day I was introduced to the Quarter Pounder with Cheese (make that super size please!) Skinny "b's" think they will always be skinny and never have to worry about gaining excessive weight. Boy, was I shocked when my body turned it's back on me! I felt so betrayed, like I was cheated on, you know? Well, enough is enough, I say! Change is on the horizon, people. May 15, 2009, is my new birth date (a far stretch from my original birthday of May 13th!) May 15th was the day that I allowed my sexy doctor to strangle the enemy (obviously this is a metaphor explaining the band and my stomach...) Now if only I could get a lobotomy to "unremember" how I like things in my mouth. (I have an oral fixation....but that's a whole other blog in itself!)
Meanwhile, not to be too graphic, but I know no other way to life...I finally had a bowel movement yesterday!!!! Okay, seriously, my ass felt like it was about to fall out!!! (I have these Ally McBeal moments when I allow my imagination to overtake my normal thoughts, so when I say I thought my ass was about to fall out, I mean I really pictured my ass, sphincter and all, falling into the toilet!!!!) It was horribely painful. But, it's a small price to pay for living la vida skinny!
Having said that, I hope I didn't offend anyone. I suppose I'll leave on that note. Until another day.....Salut!
(P.S., I realize there is no climactic end to this blog, but it's 1:50 am here in Michigan, and I....(sigh)...I've got nothing....nothing witty....nothing clever....just an ass story about my shit. Hope you weren't dissappointed.)
