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Be afraid, very afraid!!!

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Joes crab shack day!!!! wooot

9 am 105 B:Fish smich...LOL L:shrimp stuffed with lobsters, broccoli, red potato, some fabulous lobster fondue with garlic bread, 2 bites of key lime cheese cake...mmmmmmm 8 pm 85 D: bowl of cereal     Ok so I talked to my Dad about my plans for surgery, and how I was going to finance it... My Mom did not even tell him *sigh* My hubby was just confused, LOL. So maybe after I told him of the 17% intrest, he will show pity and lend me the money intrest free....fingers and toes crossed, please, please, please, please, please, please! LMAO Or my Mom will call me so pissed that I talked to him, she wont talk to me for a year, poo to you too!!!!LOL WHATEVA!!!
Meow=^..^=

Meow=^..^=

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*SIGH*

Very Depressing day today.... I dont even know why. Maybe it is because I don NOT want to go to the doctors tomarrow. The last time I had a GYNO visit was HORRIBLE. LOL Probably why I havent gone in 6 years. The doc was such an arse. I have always sat up since I was 12 but nooooooooo she wanted me to lie down, then was mad cuz she couldnt see nothin and then was just a witch about it. I told her my cervix was tilted!!! Sheesh   I just feel like I am in a viscous cycle. I cant work at a good job with good insurance cuz of my swelling legs and ankles. So I dont have insurance that will pay for surgery. I have a job that doesnt pay enough to get financing for surgery. Its like buying a house, I just dont think its ever gunna happen. I wont be able to work a "normal" job till I lose wieght. I just want to cry. LOL I even thought about playing the Megabucks the other day.   The only 2 people I know that have money are my parents and one of my aunts friends. My parents wont loan me the money. *Sigh* LOL and I only met Rita once, how could I ask for a loan even though I know they have millions of dollars. But at this point I feel desprate. I think I will call my Aunt tomarrow, and see what she thinks. Being poor sucks sometimes.   Its at times like this when I get angry with my parents. Why the hell would they say they would not help with college??? It wasnt my choice that you spent $100 grand on counceling because you all could not get it together. I think I would have chosen my future over that. Its why I had to wait 10 years to go to college, when you know thats all I have ever wanted to do. So now I am almost done and I am afraid cuz I might not be able to work... WTF??? When did life become so complicated???? I remember in my 20s that being poor wasnt a big deal. That was before all of my medical issues. What the hell is up with the cost of Drugs and going to the doctor???? Some days I just want to give up and call it quits.... Put me on Medicaid, give me a check and I can sit on my fat ass and not leave my house EVER. I really have thought about it. Even got a application sent 7 years ago. And the sick thing was my mom was like, go for it!!!! She must have missed the class where ya learn that you should want your kids to do better than yourself. So while she and dad live in thier 4000 sq ft house, going on cruises, snowbird ways, I trudge threw school a full time crappy pay job, live paycheck to paycheck and sink further and further down the working poor class funnel. I am really glad that these days are infrequent...lol OOOO and can I get my brothers phone number??? I only asked 3 years ago!!!! Sheesh....I know she is scared that I will tell the truth but come on, he is sick, I am sick, get over yourself!!!! I have already been sworn to never tell my Grandma she had a child out of wedlock and gave him up for adoption. I was punished cuz I told a friend. I just want to get to know him. I dont think it is fair that I had to meet him once with her there and never been able to talk to him since. It is just crap!   I wonder what my life would have been like if so many things had not happened in my life. Would I have gained wieght? Would I have acted out sexually in childhood? Would I be a Pschologist like I planned? Would I have travled the world?Would I have tried modeling? Would I have become a dancer? Would I have children? I dunno.... But I do know I just want to be able to live, and thrive. I am dying here. I want to leave. My spirt is dying. I miss my "family" that I created. I miss all of the kids. I am afraid I will never be able to have any children now. Which is odd...lol... because I spent most of my 20s fearful of having kids cuz i didnt want to be like my mom.   I married a wonderfull man that has a disability but who loves me unconditionally. He takes care of me, but he will never get a good job till he learns english. He accepts me with all my issues, God only knows he is a Saint, lol. Its amazing that i am so distorted. On a day to day basis I dont think of myself as fat. I catch a glimpse of someone in the mirror, who is that? ooops its me. IS that REALLY me???? Not at all who I think of as myself. I miss dancing,volleyball, softball, cute shoes, swimming all day, holidays..... OMG I let so many things just go by and not even batted an eyelash...   ICK.. ENOUGH LAMENTING.... I shall get my fat arse upstairs and into bed for tomarrow is a new day
Meow=^..^=

Meow=^..^=

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I swear this month is just flying by...lol

Another week gone and I still have not wieghed..AUGGGG But I am trying to cut down on fats and salt... To eat healthier so to speak. I did 2 days of strength training, but my cardio is still sporatic at this point. Hopefully I will get time soon to get a schedual going. My blood sugars are great. I still have not been able to completely give up soda, which totally bites!!!! Last weekend Hubby and I measured me...LOL maybe tonight I will again measure to see if I have lost inches.   So I am now eating fish everyday. Only rice and squashs for starches. Many veggies and fruits. No salt (tomatos, tomato paste, tuna all salt free from Trader Joes) I got NSA chicken broth, still looking for beef and veggie broth. I bought rice noodles with no salt which I accually like better than pasta cuz it doesnt get soggy. I made chicken soup and the noodles were in it the whole night and the next day they were still there, LOL. I have found that I am not a huge fan of spagetti sqash, its kinda sweet for accual spagetti sauce. But I love butter nut squash, acorn and yams with brown sugar splenda...MMMMM No butter!!! We switched to rice milk, its ok, hubby didnt say he hated it. I have to really pry myself away from looking at the cereal cuz I know I would eat the whole box, I just wish I did not have to buy it. I bought organtic fruits, veggies and meat...LOL is that what it is called when not massed produced???? Whatever!!!! LOL and the meat does taste much better. I really never believed it, but now I have tryed it. I started a new eating regimine, but I find it difficult for me cuz I am not hungry, and sometimes forget.   B: 2 oz fish and 1/2 cup carb S: 2 oz fish and 1/2 cup low sugar fruit L: 2 oz fish or chicken breast and 1/2 cup carb and 1 cup vegg S: 2 oz fish and 1/2 cup low sugar fruit D: 2 oz fish or chicken breast or serlion and 1/2 cup carb and 1-2 cups vegg S: 2 oz fish and 1/2 cup low sugar fruit (optional)   I dont know how much I have lost, but my sugars are much lower now which is great!!! Instead of being at the borderline 120-130, they are 100-110 all the time, Wooo Hooo. So this is my life...lol I swear I have spent more time in the kitchen this last week than the last 3 years! I made Serlion Stew, Chicken Soup, Spagetti, Mahi Mahi. These 4 dishes lasted 1 week of food. Hubby just has to get used to leftovers, or go out to eat...LOL He notices the difference of the no salt foods, especially the tomatos. Whateva!!!!! Get used to it!
Meow=^..^=

Meow=^..^=

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August?????

WTH???   OK so last I wrote I forgot to say that I lost 12.5 inches... I have not measured again yet. I have not been well and have spent some time in the hospital. I have a infection, but I am on many antibiotics and feel much better, but I have to go back to the hospital tomarrow. So no exersize for me, and hubby doesnt believe in no salt, fat free cooking!!! LOL SOOOOOOOOO I have no idea of where I am. But I will try to wiegh tomarrow.
Meow=^..^=

Meow=^..^=

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AUGGGG...LOL it is now the 13th!!!

So I went to the Diebetes training.... Learned nothing...LOL a great 9 hours well spent! But the dietician wants me on 1600 cals a day...uhuh WHATEVA!!!! But I got my drugs too so feelin great... Been walkin, and History is still kickin my bum....UUUG and I have been looking into the political nightmare that has become of our country...LOL extra credit from my "pointy headed liberal teacher" She calls herself that, and I love her. But come on!!!!! How evil is it to ruin a womans CIA career cuz your mad that her husband disagrees with your opinion??? I still have not wieghed... I will try tomarrow since I have to go down there to sign some release to get my fricken paycheck that was from MARCH!!!!! LMAO I need a great lawyer!!!!
Meow=^..^=

Meow=^..^=

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OMG!!!! I am 35!!!

OOOOOOOOOkay...I have not been here in FOREVER! Working, living, all that crazyness.... So I did find out that my insurance will pay for only $5000 total life time for gastric bypass. We shall see if they will also cover the band. So next month I will start my 3 month monitered diet!. Ha!   When I went to the doctor 2 weeks ago I had lost a total of 25.5 pounds....Sheesh its been a long road the last few months! I am gunna check out Curves. There is one a block from my work, and a few miles from my house.... So that might help jump start something!     I am off to see what all my freakish friends have been up to............... Should be interesting....Ha Ha!
Meow=^..^=

Meow=^..^=

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Is it already the 7th????? OMG!!!!

So I havent been here in a few.... The History 101 is kickin my bootay!!! LOL I have to read a chapter a night AUGGGGG..... This last week I read 5 chapters, I had to spring clean my house...ewwww, and I need to get my drugs....WTH, $135.00 hopefully.... I need a real job to get insurance, I need an externship for 166 hours to fufill my school requirement...Yeah feeling a little stressed at this point, OOOOO and I have 3, 5 hour classes next week for nutrition, overwhelmed is the word... but I have broken my addiction to soda...wooot wooot and i must say i have every flavor of crystal light and they all suck...LOL but I am drinking them, along with water. But I did break down and got an apple fritter the other day, it was good....LOL I get like this when I quit smoking too... I dont understand it.... I never crave sugar unless I am trying to get off soda and cigs... I just find that really odd. But I am cooking more at home, and I am still drinking shakes for breakfast. I havent had all my diabetes meds so I am tired too. Definitly have to get those today, just waiting for hubby to get up. But my sugars have been in the 130 - 170 range... Tried running around, but now I know I definitly need the drugs... OK I will be back later.   8:30 150 B:shake L: D:
Meow=^..^=

Meow=^..^=

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Augggg its hot

Well, feeling much better today. But my back feels like it is gunna break off!!!! GRRRR...LOL I held onto the stress to long.... Already took drugs at 7 am and at 9 am, yup its almost 11 and I am gunna take more..... But the positive side was I got to have GREAT sex last night...LOL and hubby is VERY happy and still sleeping...ROTF SOOOOO slept most of the afternoon, guess I was tired too, even missed school WHF???? LMAO So I am counting it as my exercise!!!     9:30 am 110 B:pastrami sandwich, 1 oz baked cheetos, 1/2 c. applesauce, 1 oz cheddar cheese 2:15 pm 112 L:2 tamales (pork) D:Chinese chicken, chow mien 11 pm 126.....Heyyyy lol much better today!!!! Ate no rice but he got me 2 orders of orange chicken, ummmm can I say sugar???? LOL yes I can, but its still better than the rice effect. LMAO the Panda will kill me another day.:spit:
Meow=^..^=

Meow=^..^=

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It has been an interesting 3 months!

Well...... 2 days after my birthday I found out I had Ovarian cancer, so I had surgery on May 1. Then a week after I was released from the hospital I had to go back cuz I got a staff infection, which really sucked!!!! Then I went to my Moms for a week to recover (only cuz hubby wanted me to go!) So I had a wound vac for like a month and a half. I am back at work now, but my tummy is starting to hurt. I bent down yesterday to pick something off the floor, yeaaaa not the best idea! LMAO and I need a new bed cuz mine is killin my back!
Meow=^..^=

Meow=^..^=

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OMG....I hate my insurance!!!!!

So I spent the morning at Social Servicess trying to renue my insurance, which they would not since I dont have income verification...ummm Hi dont have a job!!!! Have to go back Monday. WHATEVER!!!!   6 am 119 9 am B: Pastrami/turkey sandwich, plum, cheese L:fish samich, fries D:chicken, sunday...with chocolate fudge....and nuts...yea I had a bad day     LOL, Does standing around an office for an hour count as exercise???? LMAO
Meow=^..^=

Meow=^..^=

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WOOOOO HOOOOO

:whoo::whoo::whoo::whoo:   LOL Lost 4 pounds!!!!:cheer2: Very happy today, minus the 6 vials of blood the lady took...   9am 99 NO FOOD nada till I had blood tests L:Whopper, fries (small) diet coke 5pm 79 Snack:Peanuts and baked Cheetos D:Chicken, salad, quesidilla... Didnt feel well.. feel good now!!!! Maybe blood sugar was to low???     walked 10 minutes today...LOL back didnt feel like it was gunna break off today!!! Off to change my ticker!!!:heh:   And what happened to everyones colors???? Interesting
Meow=^..^=

Meow=^..^=

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LOL, I DID IT!!!!!

Ok I got my fat ass up and got my card (horrid pic just like my drivers liscence :faint2:) then I whaled over to the gym, and sat my bum on a bike and peddaled furiously for 5 strait minutes....lol OMG, thought my legs were gunna fall off!!! WTH???? I dont know how telly does 10 miles I am in awwwwe of her. Then I came home and read MoOrLess journal...you go girl...LMAO and I am always here!!!! I will talk to ya!!!! I was very inspired by her food and exercise journal...so here is mine too!!!:scared: But I am only wieghing once a month...LMAO cuz I dont want to go to the hospital every week!!!! but when I am there I will wiegh.:clap:   10:00 116 B:breakfast burrito (10am) L:turkey sandwich on 12 grain bread, fruit snack, salad (2pm) 4:30 108 D:Salad, Clam chowder, 1 meat ball & 3 oz lasagna   Rough night, had to pick hubby up at 2 am could not sleep untill 5 am... sucked big time   Exersize:1:30pm 5 min. on bike walked 10 min.   Starting wieght: 6/16/06 430 :faint::censored:
Meow=^..^=

Meow=^..^=

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Its July 1st

Dang!!!! ok I must have just had way to many carbs yesturday NOTE* no more ice cream with sugar for me, I fell asleep at like 9pm. I NEVER go to bed that early...LOL and I remember asking Hubby for a popsical too, WTH???? And I woke up like 3 times to pee in the night...OOOOO and now I realize there is a difference in the diabetes thirsty. It has been like a month since that feeling where my mouth is dry and I need water in the middle of the night. Ok so I am still learning. So I have to go shopping today, and the bank, jeez I cant believe it is already the first!!!! We are starting the liquid diet tomarrow...LOL yaaaaaaaa we shall see how that goes!!! HA! and my little girl puppy thinks she is a boy, she keeps trying to hump her mother!!!! OMG! It is hysterical....   Awwww hubby took a fall today in the street and his knee is all swollen and he cant walk...hence the chinese...LOL Tomarrow we start liquid diet...woooo hooo, lets see so shrinking livers and lost pounds!!!!!!   9:15 121 B: nachos, with carne asada, pico de gallo L:fish taco 6pm 122 D:kung pow chicken, green beans, chow mien, broccoli 12 am 113   Gunna do Ricard Simmons
Meow=^..^=

Meow=^..^=

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Day from Hell

Sooooo, trying the liquid thingy and wanted to kill myself... But I think its more from not having Diet soda. Would like to rip my hair out now...LOL   8 shake 10 shake 12 shake 3 85 4 turkey burger, veggies, plum   LOL Still starving!!!!
Meow=^..^=

Meow=^..^=

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Last Day of Astronomy...ewwww the Final!!!!!

Was up at 7 am, still studing for the final...whew! LOL Now I gotta get up off my rump and get an externship...NOOOOOO LOL WOOT WOOT got a 53 on my test, so overall 175....Auuuuugggg 5 short of an A....Whateva, LOL pretty good for never reading a chapter and skipping most of the classes....SHHHHHH..hehehe On top ewwww History 101, shoot me now please!!!! DO IT DO IT!!!!!! If I had 1 wish I wish that I could pick out the "core" classes I want to know about...Didnt I learn enough about American History in high school???? Apperently not BAHHHH. They do offer a class about early american witchcraft, and the trials....but noooooooooo its not a core class. They already made me take Nevada state history cuz I didnt go to high school here, but I really liked my teacher (taking her for hist 101) and I did all my reports on prostitution, and Camels in Nevada...LOL it was pretty funny. But this is an excelled class, so its only 1 month... I am praying NO PAPERS!!!!! Augggg, I forgot to get eggs and yogurt and cottage cheese...LOL missed the whole dairy isle in the store!!! The heat is melting my brain!!!!! Quick, mop it up and put it in the freezer!!!!!!     7am 132 B: crackers with cheese L: pastrami/turkey samich, plum, 2 stalks celery 2:15 105 S: 1/2 c. applesauce, salad aka salich!!!! D:chicken leg, carne asada, 2 tortillas, salsa, banana   OOOOH yeah, I am gunna join the Gone For Good Club in July....LOL see how thats gunna work for me!!! AWWWWWWWWWW no GFG club in July!!!!   I rode 2 miles today in 5 min....OMG LOL I could barley breath
Meow=^..^=

Meow=^..^=

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mmmm Sushi...lol

So today I am holding an expierement.... I am eating Sushi for breakfast...LOL at 11 am... went shopping yeahhhhhhhhhh and I am counting it as exersize cuz I was sweating!!!!   9 am 127 B: i spicy cali roll L:GRRRRR I ate a big mac meal... Really pissed off!!!! D:chicken leg, 2 tortillas     OMG I HATE going to the Doctors... and they wonder why.... I waited 2 hours for my appiontment, then when I asked, they couldnt find my chart and had to wait another 45 min. wasnt able to have my test done, all the other tests I had this week were faulty...OMG I wanted to kick her ass, and then wanted to cry.... So I have to go back to have another ultrasound, another pap, again no sex for 2 weeks, another blood test for pregnancy and I still have to find a cat scan that carries more than 400 pounds...I am soooo pissed off!!!! Whatever!!!!! Tomarrow is a new day...LOL just have to let this day go.... OOOO if it were that easy!!!!
Meow=^..^=

Meow=^..^=

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I like my new Kiity!!!!!

LOL...:bored way to much time lookin at Avatars yesturday!!!! Soooo today hubby doesnt feel well... I think it was too much time in the 111 degree heat if ya ask me. Cleaned kitchen ick, doing some laundry double ick...LOL   I still gotta see the movie, shop, and pay ticket, And go to hospital to get blood work done for the dreaded Endometriosis test on Monday!!!!:hurt   9am 123 B: chicken noodle soup L: chicken sandwich, small fry....yaaaa I ate it D:burger, salad 12 am 107
Meow=^..^=

Meow=^..^=

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To much time thinking...

As a side note today, I told my Mom about the financing, and that I might need a co-signer and she said nothing... I didnt let it bother me all day, and now its all I can think about...GRRRRRR I guess all I can do is pray about it tonight, or it is going to drive me insane. I just wish this once she would help me... Doesnt she see she is just like her own father????? She once asked for a job to get her car fixed and he said no... I heard this story many times from her... And how they wanted her to pay rent to live at home.... I just dont get how she doesnt see that she is exactly like them????? Well, I just keep thinking about sending a letter to all of her side of the family asking for donations...LOL I dont even know why that just keeps popping in my head.....Augggg Ok I am off to pray and then to bed before I get really pissed about it and do something really stupid.
Meow=^..^=

Meow=^..^=

1
 

The Goal....

Here is when I was 175....far right...LOL a million years ago(I was 14 in pic)...I remember when I had no tummy!!!! Then I think it is unrealistic, LOL so I think about 250, on the left (I was 17 almost 18 in pic)... And yes I know bad 80's hair and yes I had a thing for white sweaters...,LOL I dunno why!!!
Meow=^..^=

Meow=^..^=

3
 

Ewwww

Eewwww....LOL didnt know people read that... Well I do have bad days, I am human...lol sorry
Meow=^..^=

Meow=^..^=

3
 

Good Morning lol and its 11 am

Its alive!!!! LOL barely... Things I have to do today are: 1. Pay off my parking ticket...Sheesh $500 dollars later 2. Go to the gym.....CHECK 3. Go see a film at the observatory for my Astonomy class at 7:30 4. Go grocery shopping....AUgggg 5. Call about my last pay check...that is late 3 months...LOL and they wonder why I quit...... CHECK 6. Call and find out where I can go for my catscan (the hospitals only goes up to 400) seee Mo no snide comment *bats eyelashes* LMAO...CHECK   I feel like I am missing something...LOL whateva!!!   10 am 120 B: leftover kung pow chicken LOL and a little rice less than 1/4 c. L:turkey sandwich, applesauce, sugar free gummy thingys 1 oz. D:humberger with a salad 12 am 107   OMG back feels like its gunna fall off!!!! LOL 10 min. Mr. Simmons hell.. Cuz its hot outside 111 and I dont wanna drive!!!! ok played pool for 45 min... only won 1 game, but worked up a sweat...hubby asked why I was so happy....lol
Meow=^..^=

Meow=^..^=

2
 

Pics

Ok I am trying this so I can put before pics in here... Beware LOL   HEHEHE.....OK it works!!!! These are wedding pics..10/31/05 LOL the last time I really let people take whatever pics they wanted of me. All the guests had cameras... Cuz ya know as a fat girl pics have to be orchastrated to NOT see fat and the dreaded double chin. Photo taken out due to...LOL Cyber stalking!!! Do not want to share that photo with the world!!!
Meow=^..^=

Meow=^..^=

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*sigh* Happy 4th of July

LOL...... so yesturday was a horrid day, and I ate almost eveything the house. AND, I did not take my sugar cuz I didnt want to skeeer even me!!!! But I did NOT drink soda(ate 2 hamburgers, 2 bags of chips, nuggets, salad, and some ice cream, turkey sandwich and a green tea sobi, shrimp chow mien) But I did NOT drink soda!!!!! So today is a new day and I feel better... No headache so hopefully I will be able to control myself, Pray for me...LOL, I need it!!! So for now I put off the liquid till I can functionally do that. Ick... I have to read 4 chapters in my new history 101 book, LOL loooooovely holiday!   9:15 118 tuna melt (no mayo)1 slice 12 grain bread, nectarine
Meow=^..^=

Meow=^..^=

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I am going back to bed... grrrrr

Hubby woke me up at 11 am... I wanted to cry.... After this I am going back to bed and hopefull get a few more hours in *sigh*   11:30 109 B: Calzone (no crust) with ricotta & mozerella about 5 oz, 1 Liter water   BBL to update
Meow=^..^=

Meow=^..^=

1
 

Determined

OK Damnit....today is the day!!! I will go to student goverment to get my id card so I can use the gym at school....AUGGGGGGGGGGG I looked at the gym 2 weeks ago...LOL it is so small, and the bike room had like 4 bikes 3 treadmills...but hey it is free and I soooooo cant afford to buy one.... Hopefully it will be empty, like when I looked at it. LMAO and it has a tv and vcr/dvd player, interesting. Well if I am gunna do it I gotta go now, have a test today. Hopefully the questions wont be so freakish this time but I doubt it....lol
Meow=^..^=

Meow=^..^=

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