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Slow is Good...

I had another follow up visit with my doctor and I'm down five more pounds. (I can hear the Hallelujiah Chorus singing in the background). He had to remove more fluid. A little less than last time. He assures me there is nothing to worry about. He says there will be less next time and soon there will be none.   Ok, Doc. I believe ya. I'm not feeling any discomfort, so I'll see ya in two more weeks!   He told me now that I am eating regular food, he would like to see me lose between 8 and 10 pounds a month. I would like to shoot for more!! But he says slow is good. Slow is good...my new mantra.   My clothes are looser and I have on a blazer I haven't worn in over a year. That's exciting! I can't wait until I find myself foraging for smaller clothes in the attic. Yeah...I have them...it will be like shopping for FREE stuff!   I had my first experience with 'sliding.' I have had moments when I knew that bite was too big, or I had one too many bites. That feels a little weird and there is a small amount of pressure, but it passes rather quickly. But this was different!   I was having a Peanut Butter (small amount) on those nice 100 calorie round breads. They are not pita pockets, but they are more like rolls, but not exactly. Anyway...digressing again. I took a bite. I thought I chewed it thoroughly. I swallowed and OOPS...it stuck in my esophogus like GLUE! OMG, it felt terrible. I thought I was being squeezed by a boa constrictor. I could feel my esophogus constricting, spasming. But still, this small piece of food just seemed stuck. Then it felt like it was sliding back up. I got up to go to the bathroom. I got my foot stuck. I was definitely panicking like I couldn't breathe. I fell like a ton of bricks. I spit out phlegm...there really is nothing else I could call it. I felt the tears running down my cheeks as I picked myself up.   My boyfriend came running...what can I do...what can I do?? But I had a mouthful of phlegm and could not respond. He didn't understand. I pushed him aside and stumbled into the bathroom and I let that out of my mouth.   This may be a lot of information...but really it was a learning experience I wanted to share.   AFTER this was all over...I remembered my doctor telling me just the other day at my visit....If you experience sliding, remember not to panick. It will feel like you can't breathe but you can. It is not your windpipe that is clogged. The food will be in your esophogus. Well all that came rushing back to me AFTER I panicked, fell, pushed and stumbled.   Don't be afraid. Just learn. I learned two things from this....Don't panick and DON'T EAT PEANUT BUTTER!   -mary-willing-to-give-up-the-peanut-butter-forever!
reallymary

reallymary

1
 

Soulmates and Old Friends...

May 26th, my surgery date, has come and gone. Along with it, 18 pounds are gone. My pre-op diet seems like it is long gone, and that took 12 pounds along with it. LADIES AND GENTLEMEN....that is a GRAND TOTAL of 30 POUNDS GONE!   Wow! That is pretty amazing, and I do feel like I should be standing in the center of a crowded arena, with a microphone in front of me, announcing that to the world.   But, instead, I smile shyly and tell anyone who asks, how much I've lost. I am kind of shy about stuff like this.   But I digress...   So I had my 2 week follow up and there was some fluid built up around the port. The doctor drained that and removed the staples. Thank GOD! They were more than ready to come out.   He told me to go forth and eat anything I wantd in pureed form. And to come back in 2 weeks to make sure I am not collecting more fluid.   So...in the last 3 weeks, I have been on a bit of an emotional rollercoaster. More than 1...ok maybe 3 times I have cried like a baby. I believe I wept for the loss of an old friend, FOOD FOR NUMBING EMOTIONS. Come on, I ate when I was lonely, bored, scared, angry, happy, sad and anything in between. I believe I am formally in mourning. But, having a bit of experience in the loss of loved ones...I know the sadness never truly leaves, but it does lighten up and becomes manageable over time.   I believe I am entering that stage. I am managing my mourning. I KNOW I can't use my crutch anymore. Food really did an excellent job of numbing pain. I mean, food has always stood beside me. It always was ready to offer me sustenance, even after my 28 year marriage crashed and burned about 6 years ago!   But now I am eating pureed foods and that brings back FLAVOR! I have my protein shake for breakfast, 1/2 cup of oatmeal for a snack. Sometimes I reverse those 2 just to have some variety (hahaha). I have FF yogurt or baby food for lunch. I have SF pudding for a snack. And all day long I have a water bottle with me. That is a very good lifestyle change for me!   My boyfriend is a food lover. Yet he does not suffer from obesity. Actually, he is a chef and a food lover...a dangerous combo. Last night he made me pureed chicken and pureed vegetables. Served me 1/4 cup of each for dinner. It tasted fabulous. The texture was a little weird, but the flavor was wonderful!! He sat there and talked with me while I ate....SLOWLY. He had a look of pain on his face. This diet is KILLING HIM! I don't think he can fathom the idea of eating pureed foods. But he is my soulmate, the love of my life. So he fixes me things of great taste and will stay with me while I eat. But he will not eat in front of me. That bothers HIM too much. I assure him it's ok with me, but he just won't do it. He says he will once I can eat regular food again. That should be next week. So it won't be long.   I was in pain. But I didn't like the pain medicine. I NEVER like that stuff! It made me whiny and very confused and groggy. I used it for about 8 days, then I took myself off of it.   Yesterday was the first day I stood up when I awoke and stretched and didn't cringe. I am HEALING!! I feel no pain!!   And although I have lost 30 pounds, I am wearing the same clothes as before I began this journey. Only now, they are looser. Some are MUCH looser!!   I am still a little sad at times when I see people gorging on some of my favorite foods (last Saturday was a graduation party for 2 of my nephews and there was a lot of good food there). But mostly I am awaiting the arrival of a different old friend...Happy, Healthy and Strong Mary....I hear she is on her way to stay with me.   I can't wait 'til she gets here!! She's close!!! :confused:   -mary
reallymary

reallymary

2
 

Insurance Gods....

I received a letter in the mail yesterday from my insurance company. It said they approved my hospital stay for this surgery because they deemed it a medical necessity. Thanks anonymous Insurance Gods.   Nice to know the insurance company thinks I need the surgery.   When did the insurance companies start running the medical industry anyway? I mean, if the Insurance Gods did not deem this a medical necessity, then all the work with the physicians, the sleep study, the CPAP lady, the phlebotemist, the surgeon, all of this would have been for naught?   I pay insurance...why can't I just get the help I need when I need it? I pay insurance....why can't I be proactive about my health? I pay insurance....why would the insurance company make the physician jump through hoops?? Who is more inclined to have the patient's best interest here? Ummmm....my five bucks is on the doctor.   I'm glad that I got the letter...but I gotta tell you, it makes me a bit angry. I do not like insurance companies at all. All of them...life insurance, car insurance, health insurance, homeowners's insurance....all of them! You pay month after month after month....and you pay on time month after month after month. Your fee is not negotiable month after month, it is the same.   BUT - when it comes time to PAY OUT - then everything is negotiable and everything is late! They don't have to pay immediately. They can review every detail and they can slow the payout because they are 'reviewing' and 'adjusting.' And they can refuse to pay and they can lowball how much they pay. Oh, I don't think the insurance company gave a damn about me regarding this surgery. They are gambling that it will cost them LESS in the long run, if they let me have it.   Sad part is, I know it's true. Good thing is, I know it's true!   So...I got my letter. I have made 10 copies, laminated the original, framed one and hung it on the wall, and filed the rest.   Nobody gonna deny me now! Lab Band, welcome to my wordl!   Mary - letter in hand.
reallymary

reallymary

7
 

Pre-Op Diet - location, location, location!

I'm on Day 3 of my 10 day modified liquid pre-op diet. I call it 'modified' because I have been on a liquid diet before (a few times actually) and NO solids were allowed. On this plan my doctor gave me, I can have fat free yogurt, ff cottage cheese, ff ricotta cheese, popsicles, ff fudgsicles.   I started on Saturday. Yeah, I know...who starts a diet on a Saturday...well....I did. And I had to go to a college graduation party Saturday evening. Oh the smells! Oh the wine! Oh the cake!!   I found a seat in a corner on the deck. It was one of those seats that once you sat down, you could not easily get up again without making 13 other people move out of your way. It was completely away from the kitchen and the food! Yes, people ate around me, but I managed. It's all about location, folks! Location, location, location!   A couple of times the hostess asked if I wanted anything. I told her No Thanks and gave her a wink. That was a pretty cool trick. The wink. She gave me a 'knowing nod.' I had never told her about my upcoming surgery. But the wink, I think, was a very good trick to get someone off your back about eating!   I was a little bitchy yesterday, but not too bad, all things considered. It was a lazy Sunday...chilly and rainy...springtime in New England. So we lazed around, did some laundry and a little cleaning. Stevie whipped my ricotta into a frenzy with a packet of Splenda and some cocoa powder. It was like some kind of European de-LITE dessert! The man is amazing!   I was grouchy this morning, but that was because my stupid hair was difficult to work with!   The great news is....as of this morning, I had lost 6 pounds! I know that's water weight, but please let me revel in it for a brief moment. 6 pounds in 2 days.   And I'm doing fine here at work. I knew work would be easy for this diet. I can just distract myself with...ummm...work. :smile2:   OK - so I am counting down the days now. this is really going to happen. I am really going to get the best tool EVAH (Boston accent) for losing weight.   I am not nervous about the surgery...or I wasn't until I started reading the forum for surgery posts. It's not that anyone really has had a nightmare experience, it's that I forgot how paranoid I get when I am not in control.   Yeah, I'm a control freak. But that anesthesia...I have only had one surgery before in my life...and I about crawled out of my skin BEFORE they give you that stuff to take the edge off. I almost climbed off the bed and ran out...I was sitting up crying to leave...like a BABY. I am going to pray this time a LOT and hope that helps me to stay calm. I just get scared and I can't control it.   I want this. So I'm not going to let fear win.   Mary - stronger than fear!
reallymary

reallymary

1
 

Wii can do this...

EXERCISE! Everyone preaches this. Everyone who has ever had a tiny little weight problem knows this. Exercise is key to weight loss and maintenance. However, we CAN lose weight without exercise. I've done that before. If you restrict yourself to 800 calories per day, you will lose weight. You can lose a lot of weight. You will be flabby and tired and you will lose your hair, but you will lose weight. However, if you want to maintain a certain weight you MUST exercise. It's a fact. Like mathematics, taxes and death, it's required. No escaping it! I've maintained a healthy weight, in the past, by exercising faithfully. But, I hate to exercise. Well, that's not true. I hate to excercise as a fat person. Now that is true. I mean, right now, my morning shower is a workout. Let's not discuss walking long distances, jogging, stair-climbing, spinning, aerobics, resistance....not pretty. I think I mentioned before that lately I've been very emotional. I've been crying easily, been a bit bitchy, seems like I jumped on the emotional roller-coaster ride from hell! But I don't live alone. And it's unfortunate, but others have seen me going up, down and all around. For Mother's Day, my boyfriend gave me Wii. He ran the risk of me bursting into tears...and I can almost hear my fretful words now...Why did you get me a mother's day gift, sob, sob, am I old enough to be your mother?? So he bought a card from the dog and said the gift was from the dog. Whatevah...Wii is GREAT! I am sore today. That good kind of sore you feel when you stretch your arms. That good kind of sore you feel when you lean forward. It's that good kind of sore that shouts out CONGRATULATIONS, YOU MOVED YOUR ASS YESTERDAY! Yeah..I moved my ass yesterday...my big ass...and I feel great! And I can't wait to get home tonite and move my big ass again! It's fun! Here is something I can do! I can play this interactive video game, laugh, and exercise all at the same time! Oh, this guy is a keeper! So now I have my gardens (and I do work in them) and I have my Wii. And my boyfriend is the Best Guy Evah! He's a keeper. I have never had anyone more loving, caring and supportive in my corner since my Mama was alive and healthy (and that is many years ago now). yeah...Wii can do this and Wii will get this done! I love you Stevie...:biggrin:
reallymary

reallymary

1
 

Unexpected call...

When my cell phone rings from a Restricted Caller, it seems so loud and foreign. It's jarring. I don't recognize the ring and I always jump a mile.   My cell phone just rang like that and I jumped a mile. I'm sure that looked quite comical to the proverbial fly on the wall here in my office.   The caller was a woman at a place called Respitory Solutions or some such catchy name. Can't you hear the little jingle in your head? Breath right, breath strong, use our machines and sleep all night long.....   Anyway, she told me she had a doctor's order for me for a C-Pap machine. Really? I would have thought the doctor would have told me she was going to do that.   *sigh* Guess not. Why would I need to know that?   I made the appointment for next Thursday. The woman was very nice, and quipped some joke about how tired I must be, poor thing.   HELLO!!! I'm NOT 90 years old, don't you evah call me a "POOR THING" again. (That was my mind screaming, I would never say anything like that, really, promise, I wouldn't, no matter how damn tired I was, I would not yell like that).   So this came about because of the sleep study I had done last week. You know, just another test to find another co-morbidity so the insurance company Gods will pay for this surgery.   The woman that was monitoring me during my sleep study kind of freaked out. I think she really thought I was going to die. I didn't sleep a wink....I really don't think I could have been snoring, but I must have drifted off. I felt like an alien. You know, an alien from one of those B movies...they always have the things coming off their heads, like tentacles. That's what I felt like. I just could NOT lay my tentacles comfortably. Maybe I should have hung from the rafters upside down or something. I bet my tentacles would have been comfortable that way!   Anyway, the woman that was monitoring me told me I had one of the worst cases of apnea she had ever encountered.   Really?   No wonder I get bitchy sometimes.   Hmmm. That could explain a lot.   No wonder I am having trouble keeping up with things. No wonder I cry over the stupidist stuff lately.   I thought it was because I was afraid of surgery. I thought I was just emotional for letting myself go and getting to this point.   But, maybe I just don't sleep.   OK - so I am going to have to wear a mask and have a humming machine beside me all night. I hope my boyfriend still finds me attractive...ha!   Goodnight dahling (make it sound like I am talking in a diver's helmet)...have pleasant dreams....dreams....dreams.....(echoing, fading).   Yeah, that'll work.   OK, so I'll get the C-Pap and use it to help me sleep better. But, I will also use it as a milestone. I will mark the milestone when I can STOP using it, because my weight loss has been significant enough to eliminate my apnea.   That makes it all worthwhile.   And maybe I will not answer the cell phone again when it has that loud, jarring ring! I don't think it's ever been good news.   -mary
reallymary

reallymary

1
 

Nerves and other rambling passages...

Today is May 7th, 2009. I have my surgery scheduled for May 26th. I am excited and I am nervous.   I didn't think I would be nervous. I must do this. I am morbidly obese (eww, that sounds so damn ugly). Because of this obesity I now have issues with high blood pressure, high cholesteral, apnea, and I'm sure the list goes on.   I want to be healthy. I am 52 years old. Only in the last year, maybe closer to 2 years now, have I felt 'old.' Of course, this is the time period I gained over 100 lbs.   I have liquid dieted in the past. I know what my weight should be. I could get there, I just couldn't stay there. And I'm not talking about an unreasonable weight. I am talking about a weight where I am strong, attractive and healthy!   I want that back. I want to be strong and healthy! "Attractive" just seems to come along with that naturally (for anybody, not just me).   I'm determined to get it back. I realize this lap band procedure is a tool to help me attain my dreams.   It's cool to have dreams at age 52. (That, my friends, was a sidebar).   So why am I so nervous? I am afraid of anesthesia for one thing. I understand the complications from anesthesia rise exponentially for seriously overweight people.   Also, I am having self-doubts. What if this doesn't work for me? What if I can't play by the rules? Will I hurt myself, will I kill myself? I guess I should lighten up on this one, because I am definitely going to kill myself if I DON'T do this surgery or something equally as drastic.   Maybe I don't like telling people my business. At work I have told only my boss and said I am having surgery because of back issues. I justify this as a white lie, because my back hurts most days, but that's due to the 'morbidly obese' thang.....   What if he finds out the truth? Will I lose credibility with him? He is a young man, in his early thirties, single, meterosexual (don't ask me, that's how the others describe him)...how could he possibly understand this?   And finally, I am concerned about success. Yes, you read that correctly....success. Will I be conceited? Will I become less tolerant of people? Will I turn the other way when I see a 'morbidly obese' person, as most people turn away from me now?   God, if you read blogs, please excuse the poor grammar and the lame attempts at humor, and simply bless me and bless the hands of my surgeon.   I have a full life ahead of me. Even if I am 52! I want to have legs like Tina Turner! I want to show my grandchildren (another prayer for another day, since I don't have any right now) how to plant vegetables and help them grow and harvest them. I want to marry my boyfriend and have people think I am an attractive 'mature' bride. I want to hold and be held for an entire rainy day.   So, there you have it...the Ramblings of the (soon-to-be-formerly) Morbidly Obese Really Mary.
reallymary

reallymary

1
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