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Scary

I've been a little scared lately.   Last week, I had an episode. I felt really closed in and I thought I was gonna die if I didn't eat something. There's no way I could have really been THAT hungry. I had breakfast that morning and had had lunch a couple hours prior. I just had a sudden anxiety about needing to eat and not being able to (I was at work and had a few hours til it was time to leave).   Then yesterday, I was at my friends house, and she commented on how small my face looked. She said "you're gonna be itty bitty!" And the thought had never occurred to me that I just may be petite under all this. I have no idea, because I've never been thin. The thought scared me, and I am not sure why.   I guess I'm scared of the unknown, or of change. I know I shouldn't be scared. The Bible says that I haven't been given a spirit of fear. I have no choice but to go on and welcome what's to come - and to be anxious for nothing.   I better get off the computer - I promised my kids I'd take them to the pool. Wow - maybe after a few months, I'll be in a bathing suit, too. Scary.. lol.
jlray

jlray

1
 

Boys

Last week I ran into an old crush at the convenience store. We talked for about 15 minutes in the parking lot and he asked me for my number!! I was so super excited, and I was feeling extra confident. I took his number, too but I'm old fashioned. I wanted him to call first. So I waited and waited. He never called. Finally I texted him, asking him a general question about the pool (he's a lifeguard). He called me back right away and said he never had my number because he had given me his and had been waiting on me to call him. So of course all was forgiven because I had liked him for such a long time, even though I KNOW I gave him my number.   So... do you ever know OF a person, and you think they're a certain way, and then you get to really KNOW that person and realize they're not as great as you thought? Well, that was the case today. He asked me to send him some pictures. And I don't mean pictures of my face.   I felt so stupid. Stupid for thinking he would like me beyond that. I thought he was a really great Christian guy with a good heart. And I'm not trying to judge him, but seriously if he thought of me as a lady he wouldn't have started talking to me like that. He never had before.   I feel a little down on myself, because I'm tired of being alone. I believe I have so much more to offer. Maybe the weight has a lot to do with men not seeing who I really am. Or maybe I come across that way and I don't realize it?! Or maybe guys are just jerks!   I can't wait until I can't blame this on my fat anymore.
jlray

jlray

4
 

Battles

I've been coming to the realization that every mealtime is battletime for me. I often go into a meal thinking it's just time to eat, but I really need more awareness than that. It's time to make good food choices, chew very well, take tiny bites, and ask myself all the right questions. It's not as enjoyable as it used to be, but I don't mind giving up the enjoyment of 3 thirty minute meals each day if it means being happier the other 22.5 hours of the day.   And as with all of life's battles as the old saying goes... You win some. You lose some.   This morning, I won one. I started eating a breakfast burrito. I was just mindlessly eating. For the first time in a very long time, I realized I had absolutely no reason to be eating. I wasn't hungry n it wasn't even very good. So I asked myself, "what the heck are u doing?" and I threw that darn thing away. I felt accomplished.   This evening, however, I lost one. The addict in me was strong. See, I was watching Chopped. I'm usually ok with watching Chopped because they make the kinds of things that are very gourmet and I would never ever cook, or have a strong desire to try. But shorty after chopped came Alton Brown's show and he was talking about popcorn on the stovetop. My mind took me back to my mom's kitchen where the smell of popcorn filled the house from the iron skillet it had popped in. So I used Alton's method so I could afford my five-year-old that same joy and fascinate him with my culinary skills (ha). It was fun hearing the sizzles and pops. And that popcorn was soooo goooood with all that salt and homemade goodness. TOO good because I couldn't stop eating it. Fortunately for my comfort level, it went down surprisingly well. Unfortunately for my waistline (loosely assuming that I have one), it went down surprisingly well.   So today, June 2, I vow to only watch Food Network when a show is preparing food well beyond the capability of my (very) limited skills. Should a show being making a dish I can seemingly pull off, I will temporarily boycott it for HGTV.
jlray

jlray

2
 

Introduction Blog

This will be my first blog here, so I'll briefly introduce myself to the world of blog-readers, though it may be small.   I'm 29 (until a week from tomorrow) and I had surgery on March 6, 2009. I have an Allergan 4cc band placed in Juarez, Mexico by Dr. Jose Rodriguez.   Before I decided to have the surgery, I was at my heaviest ever. Shortly after losing 30 pounds or so on Atkins, I started re-gaining weight very quickly; roughly 70 pounds in just a few months following my parent's breakup. Nothing had ever affected me as profoundly as when my parents split up - not even my own divorce. Anyway, one day at 272 (my highest weight) I realized I had fat hands, which I had never had in all my 25+ years of being overweight They were so plump that they dimpled in at the knuckles. I snapped and realized I had a closet full of clothes that didn't fit anymore, and ankle pain every morning when my feet hit the floor. I dreaded that ankle pain every time the alarm clock woke me up.   I truly believe I had (have) a food addiction. I would go to McDonald's with my kids, eat my meal (often with dessert) and wait for my kids to finish so I could glean what was left of their happy meals. A couple of nuggets, an extra order of fries. I would eat it all, and it didn't matter if the fries were cold.   I once confided in my good friend that I had a food addiction. She thought I was joking and we laughed about it, but deep inside I knew it was true and that I had to do something. I did a quick search for food addiction on the internet and I found a video advertisement of a young lady who had lapband. I thought she was so beautiful, and her story was so much like my own - heavy all her life.   There are some things about having had the surgery that I hate. But for the most part, I love that I made the decision to get the band. For example, I hate that I told so many people because I can't stand when someone says, "You can't eat that, can you?" UGH!! lol. "Watch me!" :biggrin: If you're reading this and thinking about having the surgery, consider who you tell. Some people love to tell everyone, and they have that screw-you attitude. I'm not quite as resilient. I wish I hadn't confided in as many people as I did.   Another thing is - be ready for criticism. People will tell you you're taking the easy way out. (Lemme tell ya - this is anything BUT easy. The band will make you confront demons you never knew you had. It will force you to think about everything that you put in your mouth. It will cause - at times - physical pain like you've never experienced. It will sometimes scare the heck outta you). Others will say "shouldn't you have lost more weight by now?" or "is it healthy to lose weight that fast?" "why don't you just get that thing taken out?" "I couldn't live with that thing inside of me" all with a sly attitude about them, of course. I had one friend who said, "well, I'm not big enough to have lapband, I just need to lose about 50 pounds," while she was (is) morbidly obese. I think this was her way of telling me she wasn't near as fat as me. In my part of the country, we have a name for those kinds of people - haters.   What I love: I LOVE that I've lost nearly 40 pounds and I'm back to feeling like me. I LOVE that soon I won't feel like myself anymore because I'll be an all-new-to-me thin person! I've never been thin, and at my least-fat, I was 198 pounds. (After some serious weight loss, I celebrated breaking 200 by gaining it all back. Go figure.) I LOVE that I always only order the kid-size meal when we go out, and I can't finish it. Now my kids eat my leftovers. :thumbup: I LOVE that my ankles don't hurt every morning, and my clothes are starting to fit again. I LOVE that all the fat clothes I had bought to accommodate my weight gain are now too big for me. And for the first time in my life, I know I won't be fat forever. There is light at the end of this tunnel. I used to say that I was just destined to be a big girl. I LOVE that I don't believe that anymore.
jlray

jlray

9
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